Tortilla Chips and Milk

Guess where I was last weekend!

2010-09-27T10:52:00.000-07:00

Edit this setlist | More Pixies setlists

American Idol Finale = Yacht Rock Lives!

2010-05-26T22:19:00.000-07:00

If there's anything that can get me back on the blog tip, it's a Yacht Rock freakout moment. Blah blah blah Lee sucks blah blah blah Alice Cooper blah blah blah Janet Jackson's covered titty, the truly memorable moment during last night's American Idol finale was the reunion of the major players of the back alley songwriting duel of 1978 also known as the day Yacht Rock lost it's innocence.

After a bizarre Alice Cooper appearance, and a welcome chance to sing along to "How Deep is Your Love" They brought out the wrecking ball Michael Lynch and as soon as the song started, I nearly shit myself. Hey that song...it's so ...smooth. It's was the Doobies and OH SCHNAPP!!! it's Michael McDonald...and he's "Takin' it to the Streets" Motherfucker!

He sang it with the same steely resolve as he did when he defiantly drove off Geno the manager. Double M is like bulletproof glass, so hard, but yet so smooth.

So yeaa I texted my old Yacht Rock buds and just as I'm done exchanging "Dude!" "Wut?" "Fer Reals!" texts the traditional American Idol "Boys Only" medley starts and it's eventual winner Lee DeWeezy Jefferson busting out "I Can't For That" (no can do). The next few seconds went like this NNNNNNNNNoooofuckingWAY! hallandoateshallandoateshallandoateshallandoates hall and oates hall and oates then I made the double hook 'em horns sign, I ran across the room and did a leaping karate kick into the air HALL AND OATES!!!!

HALL AND OATES!!!

HALL AND OATES!!!

HALL AND MOTHERFUCKING OATES!!!

They rocked out "You Make My Dreams Come True" and after I ran to every mirror in the house to catch Han Solo winking back at me, all I was left with were questions.

Did Mike finally get revenge for Koko's death? Was Oates still daring Sara to smile? Was Loggins ever going to make out of the Danger Zone?

Then Chicago made an appearance...in 2010 everybody...okay YOU DID THIS ON PURPOSE IDOL!!! I would talk about the Chicago performance but as the man Oates said, "You're a fucking loser Cetera"

I will spend the next hour or so watching every episode of Yacht Rock again. Thank you American Idol finale. I am now going to keep the fire and sail the ocean smooth. I just have one question to ask. Has anyone seen my lucky harpoon?

Tortilla Chips and Milk So You Think You Can Dance Podcast- The Top Eight

2009-07-22T23:12:00.000-07:00

This week on So you Think You Can Dance... The Top 8 perform! Ellen Degeneris tries to fill a half an hour worth of schtick. The worst hour ever in the history of the show. Back to back dance routines dealing with breast cancer and zombies. Paj and Erizzle recap it all...SUCKAS!

Tortilla Chips and Milk Podcast - So You Think You Can Dance Recap Top 12

2009-07-08T23:46:00.000-07:00

Double podcasts tonight. Paj and Erizzle recap the 7/08//09 Top 12 episode of So You Think You Can Dance. Six couples, twelve dances,one halo, halo, halo.

Tortilla Chips and Milk - Caddyshack part 2

2009-07-08T23:23:00.000-07:00

Here's part 2 of our Caddyshack viewing. Tortilla Chips and Milk podcast now with fewer dead air moments ...promise!

Tortilla Chips and Milk - Classic Movie Podcast featuring Caddyshack

2009-07-03T11:24:00.000-07:00

We're trying something new here... Listen as Paj and Perk comment on the first half of the Classic movie Caddyshack. Experimental podcasting at it best. Well not really, but it's a good time.

The So You Think You Can Dance Top 14

2009-07-01T20:36:00.000-07:00

We've got the So You Think You Can Dance Top 14 podcast. Dancey Vampires and Sparkly Aliens can't phase Paj and Erizzle!

Tortilla Chips and Milk Podcast - The So You Think You Can Dance Recap

2009-06-24T23:29:00.001-07:00

Paj and ERizzle are taking their So You Think You Can Dance recaps to another level. We're recapping this week's So You Think You Can Dance Top 16 performance show. (Note: I'll have a bunch of screenies from the show up soon-Paj)

Tortilla Chips and Milk Podcast - Summer Movie Chat

2009-06-16T01:24:00.000-07:00

Suckas! We're back after a computer meltdown. On this weeks show Martha joins the TCM crew and we try to talk about summer movies, but sticking to the format sheet is not how we roll.

The White Castle substitute face off

2009-05-12T21:31:00.000-07:00

For this episode of the Tortilla Chips and Milk podcast we do a live head to head review of what to grab when your going through a slider craving. It's microwaveable White Castle burgers vs. Burger King's Burger Shots in the mini burger showdown. So how will we roll when were 1500 miles from a White Caste? Listen and find out suckas! Yes, I still sound like a robot.

The Debut of the Tortilla Chips and Milk podcast

2009-04-23T21:29:00.000-07:00

Yep, we're back suckas! TC and M is coming back with a huge splash with the debut of our very own podcast. For the first episide Perk and I will take a look back at some of the fondest memories of our youth. Memphis Wrestling's Fabulous Ones music videos.

At about five minutes into the podcast we start watching the videos in the order presented here. When we give the appropriate cues in the podcast just click the video to watch along in time. You might want to turn the youtube player down a bit since it will drown out our comments.

After previewing the show...yes I know I sound like an effin robot. I also shouldn't smoke during the show as well. Yes, it is kind of rough, but we'll get better, but right now we roll like a train wreck. Click the player to start and let the new TC and M era begin.

We'll start watching the first vdeo about 5 minutes in.

After the Terminator credits hit, cut the video.

Suckas disabled embedding, youtube will open up in a new window.
The Third Fabs Video

There's about a minute of Badstreet but we let it play through.

So You Think You Can Dance: The Top Eight Quick Thoughts

2008-07-24T00:23:00.000-07:00

For the past two seasons, Top Eight week is where I have lost my favorites: Alison from Season Two and Sara and Dom from Season Three. This season my favorites have been Mark and Chelsie. Odds are this show is going to piss me off once again. Odds are also pretty good that I will hate everything about this show when I'm done with this episode. Since I couldn't get any screenies up I'm just going roll a little more scatterbrained than usual.

Okay this "IV Real" business has got to stop. The intro solos had every single one of the dancers posing with their "IV Real" signes on their shoulder. You know who else used the "IV Real" saying as their trademark? Chris Benoit, my favorite wrestler who went nutso and killed his wife and kid. Not saying there's any intended connection there, it just makes it all that more fucking annoying.

Cat grabbed the oranger cream instead of the bronzer cream tonight. Whoa Toni Basil is our guest judge. Thoughts immediately go to the fat cheerleader in the "Mickey" video. She would have been awesome on this show. I also flashback to the time I actually said "Yeah, that Mickey song is okay, but I think "Shopping From A to Z" is a hundred times better".

As far as the couple go Josh gets Chelsie, Will gets Courtney, Twitch gets Katee, and Mark gets Comfort. Guess who the jidges want to send home this week?

This week the dancers give an extended video piece on how they started dancing. The most interesting bits are that Comfort actually went to a performing arts school where she had technical training. Twitch choreographed videos in South Korea for nine months. Will was inspired to start dancing by Patrick Swayze in Dirty Dancing. What are the odds any other young African-American dancers were inspired to dance by Patrick Swayze? Sigh, I hate you Jidges. There's also this part where Mark explains that he was kind of an outcast and that he was the only make dancer at school and he was recalling the label which the other kids at school gave him. He stumble a bit bit before he settled on "the boy dancer". Yeah, Mark sure that's what the kids in high school called you.

All the routines were pretty good as a whole but when you add the judges comments to what was actually performed, it becomes a shit storm. Will and Courtney did an okay Samba which was overpraised. Mary even did a checklist of Will's technical mistakes but glosses over them. Meanwhile, Mark and Comfort did an okay Foxtrot. Every technical mistake was highlighted. The Samba by design was a bit more fun, but technically it was as flawed if not more than the Mark-Comfort Foxtrot. The audience reaction was pretty much the same. The Nigel and Mary trashed Mark and Comfort to the extent that Toni Basil had to remind everyone that their Hip-Hop was fabulous to balance it out.

Going back to earlier in the show Comfort and mark had an actual hard hitting Nappytabs Hip-Hop which was probably the best number of the night. Nigle used his time to criticise Comfort's solo. WTF? Mary thought it was great but no Mary scream. Meanwhile, Will and Courtney have a "lyrical hip-hop" piece by Nappytabs which of course revolved around another needy chick, who this time can't let go of a lover's memory. For the dance to be called hip-hop was bulshit. The Jidges loved it of course and there were screams even though this was not a make you scream kind of piece. I hate this show so much right now.

Other tidbits from the performances.

Joshua and Chelsea had a disco routine that had some amazing lifts . It also had the worst dancing of the night and at one point Joshua actually fell the fuck over. There was no mention of this at all. this was the last routine and I was convinced the jidges had prewritten all of their critiques tonight.

Katee and Twitch had a Mia Michaels contemporary routine which involved a door a pshyco girlfriend, an open mouth kiss, and some good old fashioned domestic violence. It was pretty much an educational film on when you should file a restraining order. K and T also did a Broadway to "Sweet Georgia Brown" a song I thought was only whistled at Harlem Globetrotter games. I had no idea the song had lyrics. It was as shocking to me as if someone busted out a singing version of the 90210 theme.

Will put on a wig and supposedly did a James Brown impersonation. Since when did the Godfather of Soul ever do ballet pirouettes? It was such a "look at me I've got personality" move.

This show was pretty much designed to boot Mark and Comfort out of the competition. So no predictions are necessary and it looks like Mark will be carrying on the tradition of the TC and M Top Eight jinx.

So You Think You Can Dance: The Top 10

2008-07-16T23:44:00.000-07:00

There's so much to cover tonight with ten routines and ten solos. First off, the big news is that Jessica has suffered broken ribs and is out of the competition. Either Will dropped her during the disco a few weeks ago or the Jidges took a baseball bat to her for dragging Lord Will St. Dancington into the bottom three last week. I was suprised the Jidges didn't point that she was likely to be the girl eliminated this week, so the injury isn't a big deal.

So out goes Jessica, in goes Comfort and all the couples that we've grown accustomed to are now banished into the realm of SYTYCD fanfic. Even without the Jesscia injury, this would have been a whole night full of shenanigans. We're just going with bullet points tonight because there was some serious bullshit going on. I'm also going to roll a little old school and pick myself up with tasteless screenies of the female dancers which have nothing to do with the context of what I'm typing.

Mark and Kherington picked the Country Two Step? Seriously, what the fuck? I can understand new dances introduced during the early part of the season but really, Country Two Step for a top ten show? The problem I have with this is that you could have had the two greatest Country Two Steppers perform on the show and they would have still looked like assholes. In fact, chances are if the two greatest country two steppers in the world auditioned for the show they wouldn't make it to Vegas. Let's get real here! There are styles of dance that are more crowd pleasing than others. If you are given Lindy Hop, Steps, Quickstep, Viennese Waltz, Smooth Waltz, Dan Karaty hip-hop, and yes, Country Two Step, no matter how well it's danced you are hosed and the reaction will likely be a big fat "Meh". So yeah, Mark and Kherington didn't even come close to dancing it well, but it really didn't matter, they were screwed from the beginning. It didn't really help my disposition towards the routine when I saw that the choreographer was pregnant.

In contrast we have Will, the pre-ordained SYTYCD champion and the reality TV equivalent of a shot HgH he got this week. First, he was paired with Katee, who was one of the two girls who have avoided the bottom three. Then Desmond Richardson, supposedly one of the greatest dancers alive, decides to slum it and choreograph for a week and Will and Katee just happen to pull it out of the dance hat. Then they just happen to dance to David Archuletta's "Imagine" a recording which we were told for the last six months on American Idol "Up yours John Lennon, little David's version is the best song ever to grace human ears". You know there's a reason Blake, Travis, and Danny all came up short. If you try to manipulate the best guy and try to turn him into the most popular guy as well, people will turn on them. This is Ameriker and we like our reality show winners to be scrappy underdogs.

As if Archuletta and his shitty "Imagine" weren't enough, we also had to hear "Hero", by Enrique, the usual sellouts to SYTYCD Chris Brown, Celine Dion, Brian Setzer, and TWO Rhianna songs, neither of which were "Umbrella". Poor Mark and Kherington also had to dance to not only country, but Jamiroquai's Vote For Pedro song from Napoleon Dynamite. The worst moment had to be when Twitch and Comfort had to dance a Waltz to Journey's "Open Arms". They couldn't have been more like fishes out of water if they were on ice skates, in an Ambercrombie and Fitch, set in a Brendan Fraser movie.

Congratulations Tyce, your shitty choreography has now hit Dorianna Sanchez and Dan Karaty levels. Will and Katee did a piece to "Rockin' the Boat" where they actually danced in a boat, but then when they left the boat supposedly they werent in the ocean but on solid ground. Why the hell would you care about rockin' the boat when it's on land. Couldn't you have at least pretended that they were in the water when they were out of the boat. OF course the judges loved it. Then he goes on and give Mark and Kherington a Jazz piece with no story and no theme. Really? Like Jazz isn't a hard enough sell. This is the top ten where the audience half expects every routine to be elaborate in it's storytelling to really please the crowd. Of course Mark and Kherington got dinged for not showing any character in their dance. It's like blaming Katie Holmes for her terrible acting when...wait that's a bad example. Still, way to mail it in Tyce.

Nigel was pretty much ridiculous as usual tonight. First the "Gev isn't over Courtney" bit which was just an assy thing to say. Then there was the Will and Katee mistake in their ballet piece that was glossed over by his claiming that the mistake was a good thing otherwise the routine would have been so good they would have nothing else to live for.

As far as the routines went there weren't any real trainwrecks other than the Twitchfort Smooth Waltz, both Mark and Kherington pieces, and Will and Katee's Broadway. The solos for the most part were pretty much on par the level of each dancer. Kherington's was probably the weakest of the night.

There were several good things about the show. I liked Lil C as a guest judge even though he slipped into prisoner with a thesarus mode at times. He referred to Courtney as "eloquent" when he must have meant elegant, since Courtney wasn't saying a damn word at the time. Still he was fair in his critiques and managed to give the viewer insight on how a dancer and chorographer would actually see the piece.

Dave Scott was back on hip-hop and hit a home run with both of his numbers. His pieces were hard hitting, told a story, and were very entertaining. Comfort and Twitch were the best of the night. I've enjoyed some of NappyTabs work but they shouldn't be called hip-hop. Call them Pop, R and B, or Clingy Emo, just don't call them Hip Hop no mo.

I thought the best number of the night was actually Gev and Chelsie's Sonja contemporary. "These Arms of Mine" , the costuming, the lighting, all of it reminded me of the the Don johnson and Virginia Madsen movie "The Hot Spot" where it's all about sweaty sex. Nigel likened it to a diner where the customer hangs out and seduces a waitress...not quite the porn scenario I was thinking of, but it did inspire that kind of mindset.

Predictions:
Bottom three guys:
Mark
Gev
Will only so we can see the judges rant on dumb Ameriker

Bottom Three Girls:
Comfort
Kherington
Courtney

I'm thinking Gev and Kherington are the next ones to go. I find it hard to believe that a guy like Mark can go from avoiding the bottom three to being eliminated. We'll see though. Time for me to split.

I've got a new side project

2008-07-16T11:26:00.000-07:00

In an effort to keep all of my interests from co-mingling, I've made another blog at The Fake Sports Sketch Comedy Show.It's my running view of the sports world as sketch comedy in an SNL - Mr. Show, The State vein. Yes, I didn't list Monty Python's Flying Circus. I was never really a fan.

And yes, I do manage to center the meat of the 1st segment around two seperate dick jokes.

So You Think You Can Dance Top 12: Part 2 w/results

2008-07-10T22:52:00.000-07:00

Here's a quick bite of what I wasn't able to get to from last night's performance show.

Mark and Chelsie did a hot Broadway number. Chelsie probably needed her weight in adhesive to keep from flashing the crowd. Mark seemed to get some sharp criticism for the first time.

Comfort and Thayne did a contemporary piece to George Micheal's "A Different Corner". Out of nowhere Thayne was called brilliant which sent my conspiracy sense tingling.

Gev and Courtney seemed to have moved up a few notches with their "Secret Map" routine. Why do I call it that? Because they danced with a map that had" Secret Map" written on it. They were probably the couple of the night.

Will and Jessica did a quickstep to the fucking American Bandstand theme song. My Pavlovian conditioning suddenly made me feel like cartoons were over and I wanted to go outside and play. Either that or switch it to Soul Train. Then I thought about my favorite AB in which The Junkyard Dog lip synced the all time classic "Grab Them Cakes" with the chick who sang "Turn the Beat Around". It was just a nightmare. Jessica got the slam of the season when Mia told Will that he was tired from carrying Jessica all season and that it was time for a new partner.

Twitch and Kherington slept walked through a Tang which was supposed to be a Mr. and Mrs. Smith inspired piece. It sucked big time. Twitch was especially bad.

Joshua and Katee did a Bollywood piece. This show is kind of a little late on the whole Bollywood thing, but it was actually fun to watch and looked more like a hip-hop piece than a Nappytabs joint.

So that brings us to the results show and we start out with a group dance. It's Ne-Yo who must have a deal with SYTYCD since all of his fucking songs have played on this damn show. The dancers are all in tracksuits and it's supposedly hip-hop. The blacklight hits and the dancers are reduced to glowy stripes. Steal from the BoogieBots much? When the lyrics mention the word "star" the dancers formed a star which screamed Napoleon and Tabitha. There was a lot of dull hip-hop and the dancers in the back missed a lot of spots. It was the worst group dance ever on this show.

On with the Bottom 3 announcements! The first pair of couples is Thayne and Comfort and Joshua and Katee. I don;t know why they even bothered with any suspense.

Thayne and Comfort are in the bottom three. Mia says America got it right and she makes it sound like she'll be fighting for Thayne.

The next pair is a tougher call. Jessica/Will and Mark/Chelsie.

To my surprise Mark and Chelsea are safe. It turns out Debbie Allen is in the audience and there's no way in hell that Will is going home tonight. Mary says she'll be fighting for both of them.

Last spot in the Bottom Three is between Twitchington and Courtney/Gev. The recap edit had no mention of Kherington's exhaustion in the Krump routine.

In a shocker Courtney and Gev are safe! Nigel pretty much assures Twitchington that they're pretty much safe this week, but they need to step it up,

So we know Will and Twitchington aren't going to be eliminated right now, So the only real suspense is between Jessica and Comfort.

First we have the Alvin Ailey Dancers. If I remember correctly I think this was the group that accepted LeRoy from the movie Fame. The routine is pretty much three solos and a group ending sequence where it looked like someone was off by a beat. This is not the kind of dancing I enjoy.

We have the solos, nothing really to write about other than that Kherington's solo was probably the weakest of the night.

Katy Perry sorta sings "I Kissed a Girl" and it's such a poseur song that I want to throw up. I'm going to avoid going into a Gen-X rant and just offer this as a song that was 100% more clever.

"They can have their diamonds and we'll have our pearls" maybe one of the best lesbo lines ever written.

Nigel throws a change-up and a switcharoo before kepping Jessica over Comfort. Meanwhile when he eliminates Thayne, Nigel wishes out loud that they could have eliminated two girls this week. Somewhere offstage, Jessica whimpers.

So You Think You Can Dance: The Top 12

2008-07-09T23:09:00.000-07:00

Aight, now we're getting down to serious bidness on this show. This is the last week of established couples and the last week that the Jidges will have any direct effect on who gets eliminated. So I'm preemptively calling shenanigans right now because you know that there's going to be some serious manipulation before we get to the Top Ten. Already it's starting out wierd as my local weatherman cuts off the dancer intro just to remind the viewers that it's 8 pm and 103 degrees outside. No tornado, flood, or, fire warning, just that it's hot. Good lookin' out, yo.

Cat is very subdued in her look this week with straight hair and a pastel dress that the guys all try to flip up like they're in sixth grade and in catholic school. She looks great though. Our Jidges are Nigel the Perv, Annoying Mary, and Mia the bitch. No time to dick around this week with 12 routines so we hit the ground running with Mark and Chelsie.

They've given up on the themed rehearsal footage and are just playing it straight. TC and M's favorite couple is going to start out with an Alex Da Silva Salsa routine. This should be right in Chelsie's wheelhouse being a latin dancer and all. Mark should be okay since he's done well in character partnering pieces all season long. Alex is promising a very "hip" salsa this week. Whenever I think of someone trying to ass "hip" to a latin dance I always think that they're going to add "We Will Rock You" to the mix. Chelsie promises some sick tricks and apparently we're going to see a dangerous lift. See this is much better than "Twitch laughs like a bear" bs we've been getting backstage the last few weeks.

Chelsie's wearing this half dress with a feathered boa as a tail which both hides her ass and accentuates it at the same time. Lot's of turns in series which I think is impressive and Chesie's legs are a pleasure to watch. Mark looks like he's hunched up in the shoulders but facially he looks like he's into character. There's a cunniliftus to the side and the big drop to the floor, which was the dangerous trick they were referring to, takes place after the music stops. Kinda strange. Another solid perfomance from these two and they're still my favorite couple.

Nigel thought Mark's upper body was tight, he liked their footwork as a pair. Nigel pervs out on Chelsie's outfit and remarks that he would be tense if he was dancing with her. The salsa worked for Mary, and actually gets technical with the ballroom, SHe thought Chelsie was beautiful dynamite. Mia creeps out and says Chelsie is so gorgeous that she just wants to stab her. WTF? It's all like "hey baby you look soo hot!" then you take a knife to the eye. Why do I watch this show? Mia thought Mark was awkward but couldn't place why. She thought it was a great performance though.

Comfort and Thayne are next with a NappyTabs fake hip-hop routine. Now I saw this preview for a show where Napoleon and Tabitha are going to choreograph newlyweds for their first dance at the reception. Are all the dances going to be about clingy brides who can't be apart from their husband's ? Can you really be a true hip-hop choreographer and take that gig? I'm almost hoping for Dan Karatay to come back. Okay, I didn't mean that. During rehearsal COmfort is happy and Thayne can't stop smiling. Then there's a lot of shot of the "put your hand over your mouth and reveal a different expression than the the one you had before" move, which I hate. I don't like Comfort and Thayne. I really don't like Napoleon and Tabither.

The song is "Can We Chill" by Ne-Yo and it's going to be hip-hop lite AGAIN! There really isn't a narrative, which means the only redeeming quality of Nappytabs choreo is missing. Comfort dances so smoothly that it makes Thayne look really goofy and awkward by comparison. OF course the grinning like crazy doesn't help much either. I guess there was a little story reveal when Comfort reveals a ring at the end. Thayne act all upset but it's more of the "Aw Damn her boyfriend has a girlfriend" variety. Whatever. BOTTOM THREE

Nigel starts to compare Thayne and Comfort's routine to the Workaholic routine and they actually cut to a clip of it. That's kinda wrong. Then he goes on to say that what he just saw sucked compared to that one. He thought it was danced okay , but didn't relate to each other and banishes them to the Bottom 3. Mary harps on the lack of chemistry and compares them to Napoleon and Tabitha who are connected even when they are apart. WHAT DO YOU EXPECT WHEN SHE WON'T LET HIM GO NOWHERE!!?! It was just good. Mia thought it was a little better than good. She says she's jumped off the Comfort bandwagon because she's not bringing it. She thought Thayne was a little thin.

Ugh it's Tyce Diorio with a piece laced with the essence of the "Garden of Eden" . For Jessica and Will I guess it's has added symbolism as Will is the father of all dance and Jessica is the creator of all that is evil in the world. Poor Jessica. From the looks of the clips it looks like there's going to be a a lotta rolling around on the ground .

Will is wearing a loin cloth and Jessica looks like she's having a hot flash . The song is "Silence" from the UnFaithful Soundtrack and it's very Enya-y. There's alot of flow to this piece, but the meat of it is pretty much simulated sex. I think I would find watching real sex between Jessica and Will boring, so yeah I almost fell asleep during this. IT's the kinda of artsy fartsy dance that I hate and would never pay to watch

Nigel gives Tyce a slurp job and remarks of the eroticism. He says that Jessica is finally keeping up with him which is almost ghostly in it's praise. Mary thought it was one of the best pieces ever on the show. Mary also thought Jessica held her own this week. Mia loved that they went to a different place with the piece. She compliments Jessica which means she won't be hanging her self in the dressing room tonight. Tyce gets more praise than Will.

Cat pimps the tour briefly and we get to Courtney and Gev who are doing the Cha Cha. Cat promises old firends of the show and it's Pascha and Anya! Man, I forgot about Anya's hotness...anyway Gev speaks Russian with Pascha about giving her the "message" which is a hip thrust in Courtney's booty. Week after week Gev just happens to be the luckiest man on television.

Rhianna's "Please Don't Stop the Music" starts up...this is a cha cha right? The dancing is fast paced and with the music comes off as very disco-like without the lifts. I have no idea what makes this chacha. What I do know is that Courtney is half naked and looks smokin' this week.

Nigel thought Courtney lives up to Anya's sexiness. He thought Gev pursed his lips a bit much. He thinks that as a couple they are perfect for each other. Mary screams and breaks out into a Jimmy Durante Cha Cha Cha and I stuck a pen in my eye. There's some criticism on the technique but the performance overcame that . Then there's a hot tamale train scream. Mia thoguht it was "fabulosity at it's best". She says that there are better dancers on the show but there are great as a couple. Apparently, Gev shaved his chest and I go take a pee break.

Whoa Crumping and Lil C are back again and Twitchington are the victims this week. We get the usual fish out water scenes with Kherington saying things like "I can get buck" Hmm Lil C's assistant is a cutie! Not much more to this footage.

"2 Buck 4 TV" starts up and Twitch pulls Kherington on the stage and they hit the dance steps...HARD! Finally happy to see some real aggressive street dancing on this show. Suck it Nappytabs! Kherington's got her mad face on which equals HAWT! Twitch looked right at home even though he's not really a Krumper. He just finally been let loose where he can just go. They do this really cool chest pop thing and it's looking like this is the routine of the season. Then Kherington...got tired. She's suddenly transformed onto Kourtni from last week. She barely makes it through the last 1/4 of the routine.

Nigel conveniently says he's just going to ignore that part because he thought it was great! Really? You can ignore someone sucking for a good part of the routine? i mean I've become of Kherington fan, but this type of favoritism is the show at it's worst. SHENANIGANS! MAry says she's become a Krump fan. Mia goes off on her street cred soliloquy as she praises Twitch and he served Gangsta on a platter. Since when do gangstas dance? Mia also ignores Kherington's exhaustion and it looks like they are one of the couples the jidges want to see at the end.

Katee and Joshua get a Viennese Waltz with Jean Marc Genereaux without the sad family backstory . This time it's a sad cliched backstory where Katee is dancing with Joshua who is a ghost. Pirate ghost would have been much cooler.

THe Goo Goo Dolls "Iris" start playing and already the wavy lines of TC and M time travel start. Reminds me of my homegirl back in the Yay who started dating this guy around her birthday. I always thought the guy was shady and kinda of a loser. Anyway, I remember getting her 20 lbs of Jelly Bellies since she they were her favorites and she started gushing over how that was the greatest present that she had gotten. I played it off and asked what her new beau got her and she goes "A fucking GOO GOO Dolls CD" as she flung it across the room. Of course the relationship was doomed and of course he somehow blamed me for the break up. The best part was that on the night she dumped him we went to our bar to celebrate, meanwhile he also went to the SAME bar to commiserate. She thought it was too awkward and wanted to jet, but I made her stay long enough while I played "Name" on the jukebox as he sat there crying in his Guinness. Since I played it seven times it was the best 5 bucks I ever spent. I am teh awesome! Oh yeah and Katee and Jshua waltzed.

They all thought it was bouncy. Various levels of praise for Katee and I'm so tired that I'll have to do the second half of this from work.

Quick thoughts: So You Think You Can Dance Top 14

2008-07-03T00:48:00.002-07:00

My computer is being emo tonight so I only got halfway through my long-ass recap before I realized I'm not getting it done tonight. It was a really bad idea to have 14 f'n dance routines on the show. All the routines seemed like they could have used a little more attention. Instead dancers like Kourtni and Gev were focusing on just getting their steps right.

The sloppy routines along with Nigel trying oh-so hard to be the star of the show made this really tough to watch at times. The show did have some highlights though.

Kherington - Found a mad face in her Paso Doble which turned her immediately from annoying to "Dayum!" in a split second. I thought she was pretty good in the bed routine as well.

Mia Michaels - Both her routines were really good. Katee and Joshua's routine had so many really cool partner work. Twitchington's Bed dance was one of my favorites this season.

Mark and Chelsea- They weren't given the most crowd pleasing routines with Mandy Moore's jazz and the fox trot. Stil they are my couple to beat.

Courtney's hip-hop: She looked right at home being a Knicks City Dancer and all. This is why she's hot, yo!

The Bad:

Katee's hair: You know that one hairstyle which makes Gwen Stefani look like an asshole? Yeah, they gave Katee the pompadour mohawk look.

Eli Manning Jerseys - Courtney and Gev wore these during their hip hop routine. Eli Manning = hip-hop in BIZZAROWORLD

Jessica's critiques: Yes, Jidges, Will could have healed the sick with his dance if Jessica hadn't been on stage with him. She is the Charlie Brown of this competition.

Kourtni's hip hop: Joins the hall of shame for worst performance along with Cedric crying in a corner and fat Allen going off to war.

The Schwimmer's return: Both of them...I almost chucked my remote through the TV.

Nigel: His hip-hop critique saying Courtney wasn't ghetto enough to dance hip-hop. Um she's a Knicks City Dancer, hip-hop is kinda part of what she does kinda ALL THE TIME.

Predictions:
Bottom Three:
Courtney and Gev
Thayne and Comfort
Kourtni and Matt

Eliminated:

Kourtni and Matt

The Rant: Wanted

2008-06-29T00:03:00.001-07:00

Wanted, is yet another comic book inspired movie to hit screens this summer. Since the (box office) failures have been few and far between this genre, it gives comic book readers like me a slight problem. At what point can I keep enjoying these movies when I know what's going to happen? When I've likely read the source material several times over, when is the novelty of seeing comic-book characters come to life going to wear out?

Wanted helps delay this conundrum for at least a few more movies, because after the first half of the film, the similarities between the movie and the comic arrive at mainly at the last scene. I said similarities, mind you, the movie does not end as the comic did with Wesley saying "This is my face, while I'm fucking you in the ass". Hollywood wusses.

So yeah, fans of Mark Millar's Wanted, you do not get the pleasure of seeing "Sh*thead" on the big screen. Sucks to be you assholes. I don't know about you, but I wanted to see a fucking poo-man onscreen. Dogma and the Golgothan was a long fucking time ago and I was digging the idea of a walking pile of doo doo in the movies again.

As usual, spoilers galore and this is not an actual review, just some impressions.

So, in the original Wanted comic book series, the premise is that an army of super villains actually rules the world and the plot involves an coup d'etat among those villains. Wesley, our main character, is recruited into the super villain army and the story deals with the struggle of accepting his new found abilities and dealing with a super powered civil war at the same time. Okay, I understand why they ditched the super villain portion of the story. The concept kind of a bit silly, expensive to produce, far-fetched etc. But did they have to have to replace it with a thousand year fraternity of assassins whose targets are chosen by reading imperfections in weaving of fabrics? This mystic loom determines the targets through fate as a defense system for society? The assassins believe that they are serving the greater good with a "Kill one, save a thousand" philosophy? The loom can pick out a random Chicago business man as an assassination target, but miss out on Hitler, Pol Pot, and Idi Amin? Good lookin' out there, Loom!

Two things involving the direction of the acting bugged me. James McAvoy, was great, but he reminded me a bit too much of Tobey McGuire during his milquetoast who slowly realizes he can stomp some ass progression. The douche bag who played Barry, the movie's douche bag, was way too reminiscent of Sean William Scott (Stiffler) king of the present-day douche bags.

One way to get around ridiculous premises and a dumb script is mask those holes with sperlative star-powered acting. It worked for Iron Man with RDjr. and it worked for Wanted with Angelina Jolie and Morgan Freeman. I swear, Morgan Freeman as the commanding voice in a movie really makes it easier for me to swallow a premise, no matter how preposterous. I think it all started on Electric Company when Easy Reader helped convince me that "Reading is heavy and outta sight!" Angelina Jolie can do so much to fill dead moments in a script. First of all, you can't help but stare at her while she's onscreen. While your staring you can catch all the littel nuances in her stares that range from mocking to emasculating, to "I really believe that you can curve that bullet around my head. I wish younger and equally hot actresses would take notice. I'm looking at you Jessica Alba!

While we're on the subject of Angelina Jolie, is there anything hotter than watching her kick a guys ass? I thought it was just a unique phenomenon after watching Mr. and Mrs. Smith (83 times) but that same warm fuzzy feeling happens in Wanted as well. Watching Angelina Jolie beat the shit out of someone > porn

Third Jolie bit. There's a scene where Jolie kisses Wesley in front of his hoebag ex-girlfriend. It was just a steamy kiss, no groping, no nudity, just a kiss. Well a good portion of the packed theater actually cheered. Phrases like "Yeah, boy!" and "Get some!" were actually shouted. Out loud. By real people.
The special effects and CGI motor this film to the point where it's almost exhausting to watch. It's 21st century Hong Kong action style film making and I'm digging it. Sure, it's excessively violent and maybe the scene where Wesley shoots the Repairman in the face, runs with his carcass, and shoots several more assassins while his gun is still implanted in the Repairman's skull is a bit much, it's quick and it's the kind of fun you can only get at the movies...well at least until the release of Grand Theft Auto 5.

Fucking, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck! This movie sure does love to say fuck!

Curving bullets with a twist of your gun, yo! If that concept alone bothers you, just try to wrap the idea that bullets can be fired to block or deflect other fired bullets

After two different car flipping-in-an-intentional-and-functional-manner scenes, nearly back to back, I really was anxious regarding what I would see next. It's been a long time since I've been absorbed like that in a movie.

Story?: Dumb. Acting?: Pretty good and times erection inducing. Fun?: Word

So You Think You Can Dance: The Top 16

2008-06-26T15:00:00.000-07:00

Sorry about not blogging results show last week, though we did see the return of Shane Sparks in the group number which included a rare "Check out my tain't" move from Marquis, I ignored the male flamenco dancer, was simultaneously aroused and disgusted by Flo Rida's backup dancers and the return of my favorite: The contrived Jidge's conference shot.

After a WTF? comparison of the dancers Kobe Bryant of all people (Nigel, tell me how my ass tastes) we lost "Hot Teacher" Suzie and her partner Marquis. They were pretty low on my SYTYCD food chain so I'm not offended enough to stop blogging. On to this week's Soyouthinkyoucandance?

Our Jidges tonight are Creepy Uncle Nigel, Mary "Fake Bake" Murphy and Adam "Hairspray" Shankman. Adam mentions he just finished choreographing an Adam Sandler movie in which he casted Lacey and Travis from prior seasons. What he doesn't mention is that he's already worked with one of the dancers he'll be jidging tonight. I...call...SHENANIGANS! Twitch was a dancer in "Hairspray"! Shouldn't they at least address it for the sake of clearing any possible bias? I'm starting to get that feeling again, Show. I'll be keeping my eye on you.

There's a mention of Cyd Charisse and her passing. Then it's on to the routines where we'll also get to see what secrets the partners are willing to dish to Ameriker.

Up first is Twitchington. Instead of telling Ameriker that her partner was in "Hairspray", she instead dishes that Twitch laughs like a bear. Nu-UH! We get clips of Twitch laughing and sounding nothing like a bear...Kherington clarifies that if a bear could laugh that they would sound like Twitch or something. Loathing! Twitch reveals that Kherington has a shopping problem and has 427 pairs of shoes. HA! Them women be SHOPPING! This segment so far? Sucking.

They'll be doing a Napoleon and Tabitha Hip-Hop piece tonight. Apparently, tonight there's gonna be a jailbreak. They warn Twitch about coming down to match Kherington's novice level Hip-Hop. OF course, by the end of the training they proclaim that Kherington is kicking Twitch's ass. Whatever.

So they're in orange jumpsuits...I gotta stop right here...I don't know how I feel about NappyTabs style of narrative Hip-Hop routines. I don't necessarily want or need story lines in my Hip-Hop. I can be quite happy with "This girl is wearing pants. Look, she's got too much booty in them."

So to Busta Rhymes " Don't Touch Me" they run around pretending to be on the lam. The jumpsuits really help Kherington hide any awkwardness. This is just "okay" no spectacular moves. The song was actually a Hip-Hop song this time and allowed for some really hard hitting moves. Sadly there weren;t any to be seen. It was too "yacht-hop" for me, just a little too smooth. It had the annoying pantomime of the lyrics which is apparently a tm of Nappytabs. It was good for what it was so expect the slurp job from the Jidges.

Here we go, Nigel says he'll start of with the positives, counts the positives on one hand, and then proclaims no negatives! Mary says they're going to be on STYYCD's Top Ten Most Wanted. She said Kheri brought it and Twitch was great in his own style. They get a Mary scream. Adam gives tips, which is actually refreshing. Twitch needs to help Kherington more, they have a good sense of dance timing and Kheri needs to watch breaking character.

WTF? Kherington is now wearing neon green frameless glasses. I think I hate them now. Here's a new feature, their SYTYCD "vote for me" mugging shot.

Now it's Rumba time with Courtney G. and Gev. First Courtney fills us in that, when he was little Gev looked like a girl. Well he did...and I laughed.

Unfortunately, Gev doesn't lie and reveal that Courtney is cheating on her boyfriend with him, instead he takes the high and honest road and says she's in school to be a special ed. teacher and it shows what a good person she is. They're working with Tony Merideth and Melanie. The highlight of the training montage is the Gev working Courtney's side boobs and then being instructed to grab her butt. Gev is again lovin' it.

I think I sense a trend here, which will be confirmed if Courtney has to suck on Gev's fingers next week.

They rumba to "Wishing on A Star" by Rose Royce which always brings me back to afternoons listening to Kiss-108 in Boston. Which probably means I'll be in a good mood for a few minutes. It's actually really well done. It's got an improved hotness quality from last week. It doesn't hurt that Courtney's half dress is smokin'. The crowd absolutely goes apeshit when Gev grabs Courtney's ass, which must be awkward for everyone involved.

Nigel was very happy with it and loves them as a couple. He snarks at the butt-grab and says Gev reminded Him of Dominick from last season. He of course, mentions Courtney's dress. Mary thought it was great and actually gets technical and mentions some of the difficulty in their routine . I like this Mary so much better. Adam loved it as well, and gives advice. Gev needs to watch his hands if he does contempoary, Courtney needs to work on her arabesque. Mary and Nigel fake dozing off.

Comfort and Chris, who barely survived last week. Comfort thinks that Chris is a big moocher of food.

Comfort used to be a pageant girl when she was younger. Tyce get to fuck with them this week and they're doing Jazz with sheets! It's supposed to be African Jazz, which doesn't make any sense aesthetically. I can feel the pull of the bottom three already. Chris is hoping for a Mary scream.

I am curious to what the music will be for this one...Hmmm Marilyn Manson's "Beautiful People". Exactly what I think off when I think of African Jazz. Poor Chris and Comfort. Given the right choreo they really could have ripped shit up.

Instead they're left with doing African Jazz hands all over the place. They aslo don't do anything really exciting with the sheets. This is the closest thing to a trainwreck since the jewel heist piece in week one.

Nigel was letdown by the "capes". He was disappointed with the lack of energy and it was too soft. Mary thought it should have been wilder and crazy. Hmm I agree. What's going on here. She then tells Chris she's not getting a scream. Adam thought their performance was lacking and they weren't feeling the music though them. He declares it "on the chain" Chris ends up beggin' like a strawberry.

The Disco Ruler mysteriously ended up on my desk which can only mean Dorianna Sanchez is up next with...Jessiker and Will. Will gives up that Jessiker's nickname is "Ariel" because she resemebled "The Little Mermaid" and sadly, not the sorceress from "Thundarr the Barbarian".

Anyway he thinks the concept of being nicknamed after the "Little Mermaid" is just CRAZY! Jessica's big secret is that Will is a (gasp) gentleman. It's just scandalous here this week.

Jessica is kinda emo about her critiques last week and the general feeling that she's in Will's shadow. Doriana makes it a point that she's gonna highlight Jessica, but she's just not absorbing things. This just seems like damage control for the sake of keeping Will out of the bottom three. Jessica get ready for your first slurp job tonight.

The song is "Heaven Must Have Sent You" by Bonnie Pointer. Awesome! A non-obvious disco song! They really are pulling out all the stops for Jessiker this week. This routine was supposed to highlight Jessica but really all eyes are on Will. I'll admit that Will knocked it out of the park tonight. He's really that good. Jessica, not so much. Instead of a cunniliftus or a flying gyno, we get an airplane spin which was actually pretty cool.

Nigel...is pretty critical of some of their tricks, but said they carried them off. Mary thought it was an extremely difficult and that Will owned the routine. She says Jessica stepped up to the plate. Adam points out that Jessica might be her own worst enemy and she shouldn't be because she's beatiful and a great dancer. He says Will is scary and so good. Will gives a Travolta point on request.

It's our 12 feet of dance! Matt reveals Kourtni's tattoo on the back of her neck...which is actually pretty cool.

Matt on the other hand wears a ninja mask from time to time leads me to believe that he really wishes he was a member of Supercr3w.

We get a new choreographer this week in Sonya!

I mean this with every fiber of my being. HAWT! She gives Matt some sword strikes when he tries to front on her dojo with his ninja mask on which makes her even that much more attractive. Her piece is about two comic book heroes chasing and flirting with each other. Let's hope Matt and Kourtni aren't supposed to be Filipino heroes otherwise they would explode at the end of the piece. I'm really looking forward to this.

Ugh. They come out to "Wrestlers" by Hot Chip...costuming just ruins it. Instead of looking like comic book heroes they look like two assholes. It's quirky and they're jumping all over the place and tie-grabbing. The look really killed it for me though.

Nigel thought they looked comfortable with the style. He thinks Ameriker is too stupid to get it while dancers will love it. Mary screeches something good about it and thought it was a good showcase for them. Adam loved Kourtni's control and thought they were great dancers. He blasts wardrobe for putting Kourtni in a shopping bag. Word.

Now to the part in the recap where I cut corners.

Chelsea and Thayne: Secrets: Chelsea steals flowers. Thayne embroiders his own t-shirts. I guess Thayne is a pansy isn't really a secret.

Quick Step + Phil Collins + The Charleston - the move where you put your hands over your knees as you knock them together = Bottom Three.

Nigel says get your solos ready. Mary gives a retarded gravity filled speech about how Chelsea is now off the HTT and Thayne is now barely hanging on. I don't care what Adam has to say unless it involves strangling Mary.

Let's see who's left...

Oh yeah, Chelsie and Mark are doing hip-hop this week, but before we get into that Mark has crooked pinkies and Chelsie is a tomboy. Napoleon and Tabitha admit that they choreograph to match the lyrics and he sings out "I-Don't-Care-what-they-say" which means that this is gonna be to Leona Lewis' "Bleeding the Love"

According to the script. Mark plays a workaholic and Cheslie is his clingy housewife. The costumes however suggest the dance they're doing tonight is the "Forbidden Love of Danny and D.J. Tanner"

Seriously! What is up with the costume people this season? 'Kay, just a few paragraphs ago I dismissed the storytelling in hip hop dance. I don't necessarily take it back, but what Tabatha and Napoleon have done best on this show has been to tell relationship stories. Mark and Chelsie were just as good if not better than Katee and Joshua in the "No Air" piece. It's watered down hip-hop but it's still entertaining.

Nigel raves and takes a litle dig at America's Best Dance Crew. Mary gets all serious about the problem of work interfering with relationships. Adam labels them the couple to beat. I agree, which means they'll be gone on Top 8 week.

Joshua and Katee? Oh yeah, they danced and got their tounge bath. Kate is actually sexy and Joshua and his dad have big bums.

Fine, if you have to know. They danced the Samba and it was pretty good but it didn't cure cancer as the judges would have you believe.

Okay my favorites tonight:
Chelsie and Mark
Courtney and Gev
Twitchington

Bottom Three:

Chris and Comfort
Chelsea and Thayne
Matt and Kourtni

I'm willing to go as far as to predict that Chelsea and Chris get sent home so they can keep Comfort and Thayne.

Songs You Should Know: Fu-Shnickens w/ Shaquille O'Neal "What's Up Doc?"

2008-06-23T23:39:00.000-07:00

Looks like Shaq all up in the news today over his freestyle dis of Kobe Bryant (with a little wink to Kareem, Patrick Ewing, and homeless men on the side) check it out here:

"Kobe,tell me how my ass tastes!" Heh, that's pretty catchy and probably on a hundred cafepress t-shirts right now. I can't wait for Kobe's response rap entitled "Quick, PR people tell me what I'm supposed to say while I grin and stall for time"

In honor of my new personal Summer Anthem, "Kobe, tell me how my ass tastes!" (Gold I tell ya!) TC and M is continuing our "Attack of the Summer Song" series featuring a much younger, slimmer Shaq.

"What's Up Doc?" was a huge summer song for me 15 years ago. It had the combination of one of my favorite groups of the time and Shaq, for whom I rocked the pinstripe Starter LSU cap for years. I remember I first heard this on a road trip with my family. We were in Philly and headed to a huge outlet mall in the burbs. This song managed to play 18 times on the way there. I bought the cassingle and it played the rest of the summer (well, more likely a week or two).Unfortunately, this was kind of the end of the Fu-Schnickens, since this kind of mainstream hit moved them to from Tribe Called Quest's "quirky underground following) territory to the unfortunate one-hit wonder territory occupied by people like Positive K, Candyman, and Snow. They also had their gimmick improved and used to greater success by the Wu-Tang Clan. Meanwhile, Shaq went on to have MTV hits like "Biological Didn't Bother" and "I'm Outstanding" Oh yeah, add that to the over 100 million he's made in his basketball career and life really isn't fair.

I hadn't heard this song in awhile and the references to Tom and Roxie Roker, Randy "Macho Man" Savage, and the Mr. Rogers' Neighborhood shout out are priceless. Nuff talkey, here's "What's Up Doc?" by the Fu-Schinickens w/ Shaquille O'Neal

So You Think You Can Dance: Top 18

2008-06-20T01:11:00.000-07:00

A few days ago I heard a rumor about last season (no I'm not going to repeat it here suckas) that justifies every suspicion that this show is rigged beyond belief for certain people. It's one of the main reasons I stopped SYTYCD blogging for a few weeks. What's the other reason you ask? Heroin. Sweet, sweet heroin. Anyway, this season, hopefully, will ease up on the blatant dance politics favoritism and if they do play favorites, i hope it's with contestants that are actually likable.

Now on with this weeks recap of So You Think You Can Dance: The Top 18 suckas!

Cat comes out in a smokin' hot black dress and looks lovely as always. She's still sticking with the audience participation schtick where the crowd is expected to complete "Let's meet your____" It falls flat...again. Mia is the third judge and describes this cast as "banoodles" as in this shit is banoodles b-a-n-o-o-d-l-e-s ...where did I put that heroin? Since there's there's the requisite 15 minutes or so of bullshit to fill and the Pussycat Dolls can't be on every week, they're going to ask the dancers their favorite and least favorite thing about their partners.

Chelsea T. and Thayne are up first. Thayne thinks it's great that Chelsea is so positive. Chelsea thinks Thayne is generally happy and that balances her sassy side. Chelsea's kinda narcoleptic since she sleeps whenever their supposed to meet and Thayne is a bit superstitious and has to knock on wood for good luck constantly.

They're doing a jazz routine by Mandy Moore, and it's theme is forbidden love between a king and the other role isn't really quite mentioned, so we don't know if Chelsea is supposed to be from a rival kingdom, a lowers social class, or simply a black Jamaican-American. We get some extended clips of Thayne knocking on wood...maybe his real problem is ADD.

Luckily, we had it all explained to us before hand, because without the intro I would have no idea that this piece was supposed to tell a story. I mean a poofy shirt, eyeshadow, and a pocket chain do not a king make. It's not really getting the forbidden love idea across either..there's a green feather or leaf involved? Was there something I missed in history class?

Mia loved the concept but hated the execution. She said Thayne was too dumpy and not regal at all and lacked power. She then states "you've been kicked off the (hot tamale) train. Mary said it didn't have any impact and lacked chemistry. Mary relegates them to the (hot tamale) caboose as a reward for their poor performance. Nigel said it wasn't real and said the costume didn't help and that Chelsea looked like a clown and to make a train metaphor trifecta,says the train jumped the tracks.

Mark and Chelsie H. are in the dos spot tonight. Mark loves the scent of Chelsea's hair. Chelsie thinks that Mark;s best feature is that he's quirky. Chelsie thinks that his reserved nature makes him tough to partner with at times. He thinks she's like a pestering little sister at times.

They get Alex and Argentine Tango tonight...I wonder if there will be the usual kick in the nuts move? Anyway they confirm that the brother-sister feeling makes the close dancing weird. Chelsie hits him a bunch, but no kick in the nuts move tonight.

Their Tango starts out with some traditional tango accordion music, but then a funky beat drops. This is actually entertaining. Chelsie has great legs and does most of the work. I think Mark's quirkiness is his best asset since he's probably the best actor out of all the dancers, so if he's out of his element he can throw himself into a role and fake it. After seeing Thayne look more like a queen than a king, this talent cannot be understated.

Somehow Chelsie's pinky toe gets out of her shoe and Cat gets on her knees and fixes it. She's so awesome. Mia is in love with the two of them. Mary loved everything about that. She thought Chelsie's legwork was great and that Mark looked like a movie star tonight. Nigel fakes a negative comment with a groan but thought it was actually great. He felt that sweet little Cheslie wasn't sleazy enough to appease his filthy daydreaming during the routine. Nigel shouldn't be allowed near young girls.

Will and Jessica have hip hop with Cecily and Olisa. Will loves Jessica's personality and picks his mood up. She loves his focus, but sometimes he's too serious and internal. He thinks she's got confidence problems. Now what I remember about these choreographers is they let the female show off a bit. Alison had a great performance with them in Season Two.

Ugh...I spoke too soon about the Pussycat Dolls since they're performing to Nicole Sherzingwhatever. The routine involves chairs and Will and Jessica and they jump around and the steps are definitely women friendly. Will looks comfortable and Jessica is workin' it. There's no story or cool partner tricks, they just switch hats around alot. It's pretty good, just nothing new.

Okay to get the full effect of the the judges critiques you must do this while you read them. Make a fist with your hand and hold it in front of your face. Slowly move the hand towards your mouth and while doing so push your tongue against the side of your cheek. Mia tells Jessica with a partner like Will she has to set herself on fire to get any attention. She says Will is so powerful and is so much to match and she needs to step it up. She calls Will a genius. Mary agrees with Mia. She calls Will a dancing machine and that he is a force. Nigel agrees, but sticks up for Jessica, and says Will is going to be in the final. So to sum it up it's "slurp slurp slurp slurp" "Jessica killed a puppy with her bare hands" "We already have a chosen one, and he's nicer than Danny, so suck on it Ameriker"

Next up is our 12 ft. of dance Kourtni and Matt. Matt professes that "She has the best eyes" and Kourtni loves "that he is always complimenting me". Shallow much? She says he can't sing, Matt thinks she's tone deaf. They get Jean-Marc and a Fox Trot this week and he goes off into this rant on how this is a dangerous routine and then justifies every stereotypical French-Canadian imitation known to man. "Meh deh meh deh pleaze don't cresh!"

Fox trot...um yeah, not much but an untrained opinion, that I kinda liked it, but I don't know why or even why it's just "kinda"

Mia thought it was old Hollywood elegant and that Kourtni only shows strength when her leg is in the air...shush twelve year old Paj! She also thinks that she needs to own her size and length which causes me to do a Deuce Bigalow yell of "Hey Bigfoot!" Mary loved the choreography, but it was a mixed bag and that the turns were good but the foot work wasn't there. Nigel compliments Matt on being able to lift his Amazon partner and thought his arms were "twee" and that their facials were very fake. He liked it though.

Next our resident cute couple is up next Gev and Courtney G. Courtney digs that Gev is really strong. Gev goes for the obvious and says the best thing about Courtney is that she's really pretty and the worst thing about her is that she has a boyfriend. There's so much awesome behind that statement. What's the worst thing about your partner Gev? Um, we won't be hittin' it later. She says he's short. there's a bit about Gev wearing man-thong.
Meanwhile Courtney is rockin' the Valerie Bertinelli look and I keep expecting Schneider and his awesome tool belt to hop on by. Mandy Moore plays both choreographer and trouble maker for the Cutesies. She gives them a love story and she makes the comment that there's a connection there and that Gev really likes Courtney. Gev gives Mandy a thumbs up for the inanimateness she put in the piece.

It's a contemporary piece and they are pretty much all over each other> Courtney makes some pretty constipated facials which bother me. It's a slow slow piece and i guess it's okay. No real heat though.

Cat disagrees with me though and has goosebumps. Mia loves Mandy's choreo. She thinks that the performance was too jazzified. She expected her to melt into him more and that she was the man in the relationship. Mia was proud of Gev and that his movement was believable. Mary loves it and woos and I tune her out. Nigel Freuds that Gev has more emotion for Courtney outside of the dance than during the routine. So now we know who the Jidges have labeled as year's "Couple we want you to think are hittin' it". Interesting...sucks to be Courtney and her boyfriend right now.

Joshua and Katee (no J-Man I am not calling her "Asian") are up next and seem to be the favorites coming in from last week. Katee loves that Joshua is a caring partner and Joshua loves her smile. Joshua is always picking on her and Katee is always doing this dumb dance. Oh wait, no joke, Katee's dance is actually a pose we used to call the "suck me" pose.

So Tyce is in charge this week and it's Broadway. He's got them running around and they do a catalog of their various moves like "Mixing the Bowl" "Playing the Trombone"...wait this reminds of Andy Dick's telling of "The Aristocrats.

So they're doing a bit from "Godspell" and they are in 30's garb and high energy and they really do run around on stage...a lot. Joshua looks like he's got Demolition face paint on his eye, while Katee has a teardrop on her face, which I think means she killed someone in prison who tried to attack her or something. Anyway this was fun, they looked off in some spots, but the crowd is going apeshit.

Oh no Nigel is up and prancing around. Here comes another slurpie! Nigel freaks out over Joshua dancing Broadway because he's a popper. Um Nigel if we're aware that Joshua is more than a popper, you shouldn't be trying to pull that snowjob on us. He loves Katee's beautiful spirit and calls it entertainment at his best. I'm ignoring Mary now, because she's just annoying. Mia thought the connection between them is unreal. She puts Joshua into the Top 4. Ugh.

They jump into Marquis who says Susie has so much energy and that she always has an energy drink in her hand. Susie likes that Marquis is a goofball. She doesn't like that he's always eating and gets all in her face with his stank Sunchip breath. hE doesn't like getting smacked with Susie's hair.

They are doing an Alex de Silva Salsa routine so I guess this should ne up Susie's element. Heh, Susie starts complaining that she can't do some of the moves. Alex says to the camera that She's not really a salsa dancer and that she dances "street salsa" Susie overhears this and starts crying over the fact that she over heard him saying that she was a "street dancer"

Well, she kinda mis- air quoted him, but it doesn't matter because they start sucking in their dance immediately. It looks all awkward and Susie is just flailing around.

Mia loved the choreography but wasn't crazy about the performance. Marquis was rubbery and that Susie was hot didn't get what she wanted. Mary is back to normal (sorta) thought Susie was disappointing and there was no chemistry. Nigel thought it the Cuban and Puerto Rican Fire Brigade but the fire out before the routine started.

It's Twitchington time! Twitch likes the fact that Kherington tends to think everything is alwayss going to be okay, because he tends to freak out. Kherington loves that Twitch is muscular and that he can lift her. Twitch doesn't like Kherington's leg strength because he's Sir Kickedintthefacealot. She hates his eyeglass frames sans lenses. Seriously Twitch, what the hell? That's dumber than Kherington's "h".

Uh oh we have an early "very special" dance routine ala Mia's Dead Father Dance. Apparently Jean Marc's daughter has a condition where she lost all of her motor skills and she reacts strongest when people dance. So this Viennese Waltz is dedicated to uplifting his daughter.

I like the idea of not going to Hell so I'll just say that they danced dewinely. Well, except for Twitch looked heavy on his heels. They're also both barefoot. Oh yeah and Kherington with her hair that way looks like a slimmer version of an ex-girlfriend. Whose breakup kinda sorta sent me seeking therapy. Sigh...stupid "very special" dance routines. I will say that it was very touching and a nice moment for the show.

Mia thought Kherington needed more reality on the routine since she smiled a bit too much for her taste. Nigel interrupts her and disagrees on the purpose of the dance. Mia gets kind of pissy that she was cut off. Kherington and Twitch get some input. Mary is a crying mess. Nigel actually gives some interesting history of the Viennese Waltz and thought the routine was beautiful. So of course after a touching tender emotional routine, Twitchington still has to do this ...

unbelievable.

Comfort and Chris bump as out dancing Krump but they looked like effeminate Cowboys. We'll see...Comfort likes that Chris is humble.Chris likes Comfort's versatility. He thinks she talks so fast. She doesn't like that he's sweaty and he doesn't like that it get all over her face.

Lil C is back with some Krump, which is usually a mixed bag. Of course Chris has never Krumped before...

And it shows. Again the song hurts the routine. It's a Timbaland joint and it's just okay. Chris does look like a fish out of water. This routine looks so watered down and palatable for what they think the audience wants. It just doesn;t work There's nothing there that keeps the attention. Another whiff for Krump on this show.

Mia is a big Comfort fan. She thought Chris worked hard this week and pulled it off. Mary is just kinda meh on everything and thought Comfort could have hit it harder. Nigel just goes on this embarrassing rant on Krump and how he wants it hard and tells Chris his Grandma is more gangsta than him. Nigel wanted Nigel to get his Hulk on and then gets up and does a shitty crotch grab.

Ugh. Nigel and Mary are ruining this show. Maybe they'll decide the rest of the top 4 next week.

Quick thoughts on So You Think You Can Dance: Top 18

2008-06-19T10:37:00.000-07:00

I had some technical difficulties with the screenies that I couldn't fix this morning so the full post will have to wait until this evening.

Quick thoughts:

Was Will's critique the worst slurp job ever by the Jidges?

Will they ever acknowledge that Twitch might have spent all of last year training in other styles?

Do you think Alex would have referrered to Susie as a (airquotes) "street dancer" if she didn't buy her clothes from the "Whore Shop"?

Chris should have challenged Nigel to a Dance-Off right then and there.

Nigel was so pervy last night he even gave a guy who accentuates female crotch shots the creeps.

Just in case the post doesn't make it tonight here's my bottom three:
Matt and Kourtni
Thayne and Chelsea
~~Will and Jessica (even though Comfort and Chris weren't as good)~~
I forgot about Susie Trampskirt and Marquis

The Rant: The Incredible Hulk

2008-06-14T21:27:00.000-07:00

I really didn't really expect much from The Incredible Hulk starring Ed Norton, Liv Tyler, William Hurt and Tim Roth. I was a big fan of the TV show, but mainly because it was on right before the Dukes of Hazzard, which inspired me to write about the Incredible Hulk-Dukes of Hazzard effect. I passed on the Ang Lee Hulk movie based on word of mouth and that it focused mainly on emo, "I am the victim of abuse" Hulk. The Hulk I want to see is "Puny human, Hulk smash!" Hulk.

The concept of the Hulk is rare for comics as thres a duality that you can really explore and a psychology that you can take the time to examine since he's not really a hero, just a Jekyl and Hyde freak accident. Just because there's depth to work with doesn't mean it the end product will be any fun.

So, finally with a modern-day movie do-over five years later, I get what I want, and it's pretty damn fun. As usual, this is not a review just some observations. Spoilers Galore!

This movie starts out with an overview of Hulk's origin played as a background to the opening credits. It's about time that a superhero movie took this approach. We jump into the movie knowing that Hulk was the product of a military experiment gone wrong, he hurt some people including his chippie and is now on the run. Simple, easy, and it only took about two minutes of setup. I loved this sequence because the origin makes more sense this way, we don't need twenty minutes of establishing the back story, and there's no sign of that pussy Rick Jones.

So many nice little references to The Incredible Hulk TV show including a shot of Bill Bixby from "The Courtship of Eddie's Father", college newspaper reporter Jack McGee catching celphone cam footage and coining the term "The Hulk", a comical attempt to use the phrase "you wouldn't like me when I'm angry" in Portuguese,Lou Ferrigno as a security guard (and voice of the Hulk) and of course a hitchhiking scene set to "The Lonely Man". Those bits alone were worth the matinee price.

The pants jokes didn't work quite as well for me. I liked the first "mas stretchy" bit when he was buying pants in Mexico, but the big ass Magenta pants bit while they are on the run, just seemed too forced.

I;m not going to really take much credence with what I've read surrounding Edward Norton's unhappiness with the movie. All I know is that he was the perfect Bruce Banner. He has the natural ability to emote suppressed rage and does so much with what really isn't much for dialogue. Whether or not it was a final product he was happy with, his strength as a actor gave Banner the depth that the script may not have provided.

This is such a small bit, but it made me the happiest. Hulk is with Betty in a cave and he gets startled by lightning. So what does he do? He steps out if the cave, grabs a boulder, and chucks it at the sky. Perfect Hulk scene.

Now my favorite part of discussing comic book movies...the relationships!

Okay we have Betty Ross and Bruce Banner we start the movie and Bruce goes into an uncontrollable rage and lands Betty in a coma. Bruce skips town and gives her the silent boot. Betty starts up with a respectable nice guy. Bruce comes into town, sees her with the new guy and decides not to tell her he's back. She spots him and he runs away into an alley and pulls the old hide behind a dumpster trick. She tracks him down and gives him a place to stay. against her wishes he decides he can't stay and then he hits her up for money before he goes.

I lost my shit there, but it gets better.

Then she discovers that he actually transforms into this green mass of muscle capable of a snapping a woman's neck by batting his eyelashes and she's not horrified, but turned on. When they're on the run and things calm down, which is traditional movie sex scene time, he won't give her any, even though she's willing to risk (or encouraging) him turning into a giant green monster capable of killing thousands. After all this, she's still left pining away for him at the end of the movie after he skips town...again. Come to think of it that relationship isn't nearly as preposterous as Carrie and Mr. Big.

Speaking of which, I really want to like Liv Tyler. I mean her back to back roles in Empire Records and That Thing You Do had her in the TC and M pantheon of hot actresses, but she's kinda ridiculous in this. Everyone else in the supporting cast is awesome though, Tim Roth especially.

When it comes down to it, The Hulk isn't a superhero movie, it's a monster movie. The director plays to this as we finally get a good monster versus bad monster throwdown with billions in collateral damage. This is what good monster movies are all about. Hulk doesn't disappoint. In fact, when he uttered his first words, "Hulk Smash", I nearly shed a father like tear. When Hulk vanquished Abomination and let out his victorious scream of rage, happiness, confusion and perhaps some sexual release, I wanted to give him a standing ovation, then run out into the lobby and rip shit up. I haven't had a movie inspire me to vandalize since Alvin and the Chipmunks.

Final Banner, scene? Not gonna spoil that one, but it's a killer.

As for the Tony Stark/RDjr cameo...I wish they hadn't plugged it and moved it from easter egg after the credits status. I know it's supposed to tease an Avengers movie, as it played out, all it did was leave the audience thinking, yeah I guess Hulk was good but Iron Man was still better.

So You Think You Can Dance Top 20 Results Show

2008-06-13T00:33:00.000-07:00

So we open tonight's show with a group dance to "Cobrastyle" by Robyn. The song starts out with some baby voice dialogue which I imagine is saying "Hey, Dad, I've decided I'm not going to do cobrastyle anymore". A few seconds pass and we have a shot of the guys in suits...

and the girls dressed like ...trannys?

We also see Nigel jotting down notes. Wha?

As soon as I can mutter to myself "Oh this is gonna be some bowl shi-" Nigel is gone, chair spinning and out he comes, bound gagged and carried out by the dancers.

Apparently Wade Robson and his wife were the choreographers, but you can't convince me that this isn't a Nigel fantasy ever since he started jidging this show. They break up any cool dancing with shots of bug-eyed Nigel...and yeah worst group dance ever.

Let's get to it. I'm gonna keep this short this week, but here we go with the results.

Our bottom three couples?

First is Kourtni and Matt who did the jewel thief dance off...
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Next is Jamie and Rayven who performed "Cotton Candy" hip hop last night. Nigel made it a point to state that the bananna hammock dance probably offended some people. I'd say it was desperate but not necessarily offensive.

And our final bottom couple... Will and Jessica? The judges are shocked as well and shocked judges usually = safe from elimination.

So I was actually 2 for 3 in my bottom three picks. I'm actually surprised I did that well. In the interim before the eliminations we have Poppin Pete and his son collectively known as "Electric Boogaloo" which will lead to shitty jokes when I read other recaps. grr Then we have the solos. Matt, Jessica, Kourtni, and Will all do some form of contemporary/lyrical whatever and they all seem the same to me. Jamie does the standard ballroom guy solo with hips swaying...he keeps his pants up this time though. Rayven looks flat-footed doing ballet. It looks really bad.

It was as she's the first gorl to go. Kourtni got the early reprieve even though she lost her balance during her solo. The jidges were disappointed with both Jessica and Rayven who was dancing demi-pointe which was unacceptable I guess. Since Jessica is cuter she stays.

Will gets the early safe notice on the guys side. He also gets a speech that might as well have said this "Will, you are our favorite dancer and we will never eliminate you unless you royally fuck up, so don't. You are this year's Danny and Benji rolled into one. Love, the Jidges"

Speaking of Benji...Fake Schwimmer Jamie and 6'3 Matt are left. One has technique, the other has personality, and tonight they say that they are going with technique. See ya Fake-Scwhimmer! Though he does seem like a nice guy.

Down to 18! Well 17 + Will who apparently gets a free pass to the final 4.

Marvel introduces the Triumph Division- a Filipino Superteam...HEY WAIT!

2008-06-12T22:19:00.000-07:00

I'm still pretty much a comic fan and I do have a weekly pull list from my Local Comic Shop. Well, I missed last week's pickup which included Invincible Iron Man #2. I don't read the comic rumor boards so I was thrilled when I saw this:

Omigod, it's an actual Filipino Super Team! The Triumph Division! It's like my childhood dreams come true, except for my team consisted of a strong man the Mighty Caribou, a commander of angry gamefowl named Cockfighter, Tinikling, an agile fighting dancer who couldn't be touched, a colorfully dressed speedster named Jeepney, and TubigMan which was the Filipino version of Aquaman. Looking back I should have named them the Stereotype Squad, but in my defense I was ten. Is it any worse than Apache Chief of the Super Friends?

Still, it's 2008 and Marvel Comics finally has a Filipino Super Team! Sweet! I turned into a ten year old again trying to imagine them in battle, making up their powers, and coming up with an imaginary mythology which made them much cooler that they actually were. Kinda like what the Star Wars nerds did with Boba Fett. I couldn't wait to see what the future had in store for the Triumph Division. Well, I only had to turn the page ...

Oh! Not good.

Sigh. Did they have to go out like that? So, this Wishing Man apparently has sufficient wishing powers to save the day? He couldn't say "I wish these fools would quit trippin," in time? If I had Wishing Man's powers, in the time it would take me to type this, I would already be laid back in my Malibu Beach house, floating in a pool full of Krispy Kreme donuts while Megan Fox was slowly fondling my 38-inch wee wee. Gah! Does the writer have a grudge against Whilce Portacio or something? I mean it's one thing to kill superheroes for dramatic effect, it happens all the time. I get it. It's another thing to stir up ethnic pride and lifetime fanboy wish fulfillment for a segment of your audience and then quash it two pages later.

Oh well, maybe I'll have to settle for seeing Cockfighter in print some day. I thought I saw a movie named Cockfighter. Maybe I'll go rent it or something. I dunno why it was in the adults only section though.

So You Think You Can Dance: Season Four - The Top 20

2008-06-12T01:22:00.000-07:00

After many long weeks of American Idol crapfest, I have been waiting so very anxiously for this season's So You Think You Can Dance to start in earnest. I'm going to keep my Jidges commentary to a minumum and skip the 15 minutes of flashbacks and hop right into the partnering. Well, first I have to make my obligatory Kat Deely looks yum comment. She's got an evenly tanned look this year!

First up are Rayven and Jaime, the Fake Schwimmer. Coincidentally, or not, they're starting the season with hip-hop, much like the way Benji and Donyelle kicked off season two. Instead of Shane Sparks, Napoleon and Tabitha are choreographing tonight's hip hop. Unfortunately it's to the song "American Boy" which is a fine song but it's just waaaay to breezy to really get the show pumping. The song is so breezy it called me up and left an awkward message on my phone that ended with "I'm Breezy!". The dancing is fine but not much of a crowd-pleaser. Jaime dropped trou for pretty much no reason. The dude should have stuffed a cucumber down there.

Susie , the hot teacher, is paired up with Marquis, who know nothing about. We get their intro Susie is pretty much teacher, Miami, students, Miami, teacher, look at my eye shadow, Miami, teacher. Marquis' story is a bit more compelling since he took dance against his Mother's wishes, but won her support when he made it on the show. He seems nice...so nice they stuck him with the f'n WALTZ! Talk about the kiss of death on a night with 10 routines.
Actually, it's not all too bad. Marquis had good form and Susie is more than a Shakira wannabe apparently, because she looked very elegant. They did botch a lift, but covered it well, still a waltz on the first night? They are in trouble..we may get to see Susie's washing machine this week.

Mandy Moore is in charge of the pairing of Kourtni and Matt. We hear the Uma Thurman comparisons again for Kourtni. Mark talks about his athletic parents....k. Also it turns out that combined, this pairing is twelve feet tall. That's all well and good but they forget to mention that if they combined they would also have four feet, a set of male and female organs, and two buttholes. We get our first real in character dance of the night. Mark pulls out this big ass diamond, which combined with the leather outfits suggests that they are jewel thieves or something. Mark pockets the diamond and I think they have a dance-off for it. It's kinda dull, but apparently Mark has superhuman strength since he turns the diamond into dust with his bare hands and glitters the stage. Cool look to the dancers, but come on y'all this was just silly. Picking them for the bottom three as well.

Next we get Chelsea T and Thayne dance the cha-cha. They are both so energetic and perky! It's sorta fun but I was annoyed by the mix of Oyo Como Va that they used. They were sorta good, but nothing like the really smooth cha cha's they've done in past seasons.
Next up we have a Mia Michaels joint. Since she won an Emmy she can do shit like this routine, which is her fantasy version of "Tim Burton's wedding" The victims are Chelsie H and Mark the Hawaiian contemporary dancer. Mia pretty much slams Mark for not being very good and not getting her piece and she's not all that optimistic that he'll get it at all.

Shut it Mia! I thought this was actually really interesting and since Mia is so hurkey jerky with her moves and angles who besides her would notice if they missed a move? This was bizarre and hot all at the same time and I'm now a Chelsie T fan.

The only problem I had was that at the end of the routine which is supposed to mean the consummation of the marriage, Mark looks like he wants to murder his wife. He had the same look in his eye that Justin Guarini had in "From Justin to Kelly" and the same look I have now that I realize that I've admitted I've seen "From Justin to Kelly"

Oh you bastard show! Why did you have to pair up my favorite dancer Twitch, with Kherrington, the dancer I have pre-judged for no reason as the most annoying, . They are doing a Broadway routine by Tyce D'iorio and behind the scenes Twitch christens this pairing using the collective name of, I-shit-you-not, "Twitchington" . I don't think he is my favorite anymore.
So the Broadway is fun and Kherringon is extra smiley, which sorta helps this piece. I'm just thinking that this pair isn't going to work because they have more of a big brother- little sister vibe and if they have to get steamy in later weeks that might just be really creepy. Even though I have to admit that Kherrington is very hot in a jailbait kinda way. For real though, "Twitchington?"

Next we have Comfort and Chris. Comfort, hip hopper, is paired with Chris who was told he had the personality of a tree. She is kinda surpirsed at all the touchin' involved with partner dancing. They're doing the Jive tonight. They start off dancing in individual spotlights which is pretty cool. Comfort who has been covered up in her short camera time this far is in a skimpy beaded number and she's probably rockin' the best body of the competition.

It's all good for me until Chris plays Comfort's leg like a guitar, which I cannot condone under any circumstances. The Jidges think Comfort's a star. I can't disagree.

They paired up hip-hopper Joshua (with secret dance training included) with Katee the girl they tried to paint as a a quitter. They're doing the hip-hop stylings of Napoleon and Tab. It's the story of a soldier who recieves the news that he's gotta go to war as soon as he and his woman's dance routine is over.
Now this isn't the first going off to war dance we've had on the show. Melody and Fat Alan covered this topic in Season One. It is however, the first going off to war routine that was any good. They danced to "No Air" which is about as hip-hop as well... something that is not hip-hop. Joshua is restrained enough not to bury Katee's limitations and it comes off well. Believe it or not Katee might be sticking around for a bit.

Will and Jessica are paired and they are doing tha Tango for us tonight. Not much to say really. They were good and probably safe. Yes, I am doing the rush through the last routines, like I have for the last two seasons. It's still how I roll.
Next we have Knicks dancer Courtney G and Gev who is actually from Khazakhstan and they will be having sexy time with a Dorianna, Disco routine. They seem to be the early candidate for cutest couple, but not quite in the running for couple most fun to imagine doing it. I don't think that any contenders have sprung up for that category so far.

So yes, since it's a disco routine I had to get a picture of the two of them in practice, because if you know SYTYCD disco like I do...here it comes...flying vagina spin!

Yes, I am 12 years old.

The disco was to "Boogie Wonderland" and as Nigel put it there wasn't enough "Boooo-gie" in it. I agreed, but seriously at this point, you've had 3 full seasons of routines, is anyone dancing Disco to "Boogie Wonderland" gonna blow anyone away? I didn't even feel the need to pull out a "Disco Ruler" reference. They round out the bottom three for me.

My favorites were Mark and Chelsie H., Joshua and Katee, and (ugh) "Twitchington"

See y'all in a few hours, suckas!

So You Think You Can Dance: Previewing the Top 20

2008-06-11T01:42:00.000-07:00

I'm back on the reality show recap train suckas! So You Think You Can Dance is back and we're through with the cattle call shows and the competition starts for real this Wednesday night with the Top 20. I'll admit usually the cattle call shows suck, but they did a better job this year of building some pretty good story lines culminating with the final Vegas cut down show (note: they really should devote two shows to this)

So, after lots of crying, dancers throwing tantrums and otherwise talking themselves off the show and what is the biggest upset ever, the daughter of the choreographer of the High School Musical franchise didn't make the top 20! I had her pegged as top 4 minimum. Anyway here's the top 20 and my early thoughts after the jump.

Gev, was introduced as the ice-skating break dancer who actually had a pretty cool audition solo. He'll be a contender for the non-threatening white dude vote, but he definitely has some competition. Other than that he's got some unique moves as a breaker, but he has to rely on his breaking he's got his work cut for him.

Kourtni L was a dancer they picked up in Milwaukee. She's a contemporary dancer whom Nigel stated bore a resemblance to Uma Thurman. He then said they should sign her up For Kill Bill:The Musical. Seriously, yo, I would be all over that show. I don't see her lasting all that long.

Joshua was called out by Debbie Allen, no less as possibly being more than a street dancer. He's athletic as hell and had to have at least some gymnastics training in there somewhere since he can pull out a backflip like it was nothing. He could go really far, if he's had some formal training. Even if he falls short with a partner his solo's are crowd pleasers.

Didn't notice her during the cattle call shows, but her bio says she competed in the Miss California pageant and her style is contemporary ballet. I don't see her lasting very long either.

I remember he was one of the contemporary dancers who rocked the hoops shorts during their auditions. I just thought that was strange. His bio says he'll be dancing in the movie "American Mall" released this Fall. This is the type of guy who might be a Travis type and get a strong following as the show progresses.

Courtney G. is continuing a trend on SYTYCD of NBA dancers making the cut. She's a New York Knicks City Dancer so she'll probably be able to hit any hip-hop routines they throw at her and her training goes across the board. I see her going very far in the competition, unless her personality sucks.

I thought this guy was cool when he auditioned to a spoken word piece. Of course they waited until Las Vegas to let the viewers know he was an actual protegee of Debbie Allen. Well then, I think dance world politics aside he'll do very well. One of my early favorites for top 4.

Katie almost talked her self out of the competition by having the nerve to tell the Jidges that she wasn't sure if she would come back next year if she were cut. They had the arrogance to equate that with giving up dancing and gave her the "how could you give up on your dreams at 19 speech". Yes the longer this show stays on the more the show becomes a parody of itself. I saw her in the auditions she was kind of boring and based on the negative screen time I'll bet she goes home early.

Twitch is my personal favorite to win this season. I thought he was great last year and should have been in the Top 20 last season (not over Hok, but over some other schlub). I hope he'll do well with a partner. He had a year to work on it.

We go from my favorite to instant hate. It's not that she's done anything offensive, it's just from that opening Avril Levine intro she got in her audition show she's been force fed. We didn't see much of her actual dancing in the Vegas show so I don't know how well she's going to do, but I do know is that even her name ahnnoys me.

Let's see this guy's specialty is partner dancing,he was a US West Coast Swing Champion (oh no) and his favorite dancer is Benji f'n Schwimmer. I thought we were done with these Schwimmer people!!! Fuck me, he's top 4 guaranteed which means lots of guest appearances from Benji, Heidi, and Lacey. Can't wait. By "wait" I mean "imagine how I can keep from poking my eyes out.

Okay, here's another partner dancer that they pushed quite a bit, this time with the financial hardship story. Sorry if I don't feel bad for someone who almost couldn't afford expensive dance lessons, living in Forclosureville and all. Still her bio says she's some sort of US team dancer and she is kinda cute...

No clue on this guy other than he is one of the many male contemporary dancers on the show. Even his bio is boring. I hope he gets Krump on the first night.

I have nothing to really say about this one either since she didn't get much screen time. Except hearing Kat call someone "Jessiker" makes me smile among other things. Her bio says one of her nicknames is Busty. She's got my vote!

Contemporary dancer with an oddball dance style. He had a solo to "BOhemian Rhapsody" that was pretty cool for the 15 seconds they showed of it. He doesn't seem all that faggy for a contemporary dancer.

This season's token hot dancer, except that she's not really that hot and she's not all that great of a dancer. She dresses slutty though which is a plus. The show will remind us everyweek that she's on that she's a teacher...and hot! Looking forward to her Shakira wannabe solos though. Yum!

He had no screen time and he's a contemporary dancer who reminds me of last year's Danny. Next!

Jazz-funk, contemporary dancer and Dallas Mavericks Dancer to boot! She's gonna be tough to beat.

This dude was a dancer in High School Musical 1 and 2. He made it but the HSM choreographer's daughter didn't. Heh. He looks like a poon.

We saw Nigel call her the best female hip-hopper he's ever seen. We didn't see her dance all too much. Her bio says she does have some formal training.

Well it's gonna be a long night...I'm sticking with it as long as the Jidges don't get too unbearable. I don't trust how they roll though. SUCKAS!

TC and M Test Drive: Nintendo Wii Fit

2008-05-22T22:30:00.001-07:00

w00t! I just got an e-mail from Tortilla Chips and Milk's male model D'Artagnan which he sent me an exclusive photoshoot taken after he stood in line to buy the Nintendo Wii Fit. So here's some pictures of a hot male model workout with the latest new hot product from Nintendo.

Okay, I see he's starting with some meditation on the Wii Fit balance board accessory. Maybe it's a Swedish exercise technique.

Still no video screen. Is he looking for hookups? I don't own a Wii but I'm pretty sure the balance board is wireless.

Is that supposed to be a spotter? I don't understand...I need some answers.

D'Artagnan just texted me and asked what this "Wii" thing is all about.

Apparently, he has never seen a Wii in a store...

Well, come to think of it, I haven't either.

I explained to him that the Wii is a video game system whose supply hasn't really met consumer demand. I then told him that Wii Fit is simply an accessory for the Wii system.

He asked "Then how was I able to buy this how-do-you-say "Wii Fit", when I can't buy zee system used to make it work properly?"

I answered "Why did you bother sending me pictures of you doing leg raises with a three pound plastic balance board?"

He wasn't happy with that response.

Ok, maybe we should hire a Tortilla Chips and Milk female model.

Yes, I think he covered all the possible exercises.

Now that's just not setting a good example, D'artagnan.

...cause that's how we roll.

Songs You Should Know: Steal My Sunshine- Len

2008-05-16T01:43:00.000-07:00

100 f'n degrees already? After a really mild past few weeks, all of a sudden it's really f'n hot right now. So, I figured I'd bring back SYSK with one of my favorite summer songs, Len's "Steal my Sunshine"

I actually have their album "You Can't Stop the Bum Rush" and I remember playing the crap out of it. It was a really fun bouncy album with songs with a great Human League-esque balance between Mark's raspsy vocals and Sharon's baby-girl voice. Oh what, you too good for the Human League? Go listen to "Fascination" and suck on it. Plus the album had cameos by Kurtis Blow and Mt. TC and M figure Biz Markee. What I liked best about the album at the time is that it wasn't Limp f'n Bizkit. So yeah Fred Durst, you can suck on this too.

This band definitely deserved better, shame on you society!

L-A-T-E-R suckas!

Kill the ________ 2: Electric Boogaloo joke already

2008-05-06T01:24:00.000-07:00

Aight, so I was watching How I Met Your Mother, which is my favorite sitcom right now and usually a wonderfully hip show, but I heard this exchange and what do ya know ...RAGE!!!!

Ted: This is a big deal for you it's like it's your virginity the sequel.
Stella: (laughs) Virginity 2: Electric Boogaloo?

Aight, fucksticks, this has to end now! Cut the shit, I'm serious! Breakin' 2 came out 23 years ago!!! NEWSFLASH kids like me who saw the movie in the theater used Electric Boogaloo to describe dumb as hell follow-ups all the time. Shit, there was a period of two years where any sequel trailer we saw we'd add "Electric Boogaloo" to the title. We also used to let off stink bombs and piss in the same cups we drank our graveyards for yuks in the movies...you grow out of it.

Not to say that I didn't appreciate it when I heard it in Kicking in Screaming as "Jane 2: Electric Boogaloo" but that was 1995 and slacker inspired nostalgia humor was still kinda fresh. In the last 13 years that joke has been the trademark for the wannabe hipster. Red state entertainment journalists, college newspaper music reviewers, dumb ass morning radio DJ are the biggest perps here. Well, you know what? You aren't being hip when you recycle a joke that's old enough to guzzle Cristal and you're being nostalgic, but not for when you saw the Breakin' 2 (which you probably didn't) You're being nostalgic for when you last heard the flippin joke! Seriously, it's the stand up comedian equivalent of bagging on airplane food or making fun of white people dancing (k so maybe that never gets old).

Don't get me wrong, Breakin' and Breakin' 2: Electric Boogaloo should always have their place in the lexicon of pop culture references. I mean if someone were to say "Sheeeit, you dance better than Ozone" to bust on someone doing the robot or "Aw shit. they brought out the fat break dancing chick" when someone is flustered and has the deer in the headlights look, I would be the first to say "what up!" and pound the potato. If you want a sequel joke just wait a year or two when you'll eventually get the follow up to Snakes on a Plane. On second thought, you'll have to pick another sequel because that movie is gonna be awesome!

The Rant: Iron Man

2008-05-01T22:11:00.001-07:00

I really didn't want to see this movie. Iron Man has always been one of my least favorite comic book characters. I mean, Tony Stark is a wealthy playboy like my all time favorite character,Batman, but instead of beatin a sucka down, he hides in a suit of armor. That always made him seem like kind of a wuss. Like he was cheating, I like the superheroes with an underdog quality to them. Iron Man always seems like he has it too easy.

He's always been portrayed as a know-it-all, which isn't so bad, but throw in the alcoholism and this recent Civil War thing and he's at times insufferable to read. I can blame it all on this issue of the Avengers that I read when I was pretty young, where Tony Stark has a fling with the Wasp. So in case you didn't know the Wasp was the ex-wife of Hank Pym who along with Iron Man were founding members of The Avengers. So yeah, he's going after his friend's ex-wife. Strike One. Apparently, we learn that Tony Stark had not yet revealed to most of his teammates that he was actually Iron Man. So when they start seeing each other he decides not to tell her, which means Wasp is dating one of her teammates and she has no clue. If she knew she wouldn't have jeopardized team chemistry and never pursued the relationship. Strike Two. Anyway,Tony Stark waits until AFTER he hits it to reveal that he's really Iron Man. The furious Wasp then breaks it off. Strike Three! I remember reading that when I was a kid thinking that Iron Man was such a jerk. Of course, reliving that issue just now, I've come to the realization that Iron Man is actually pretty f'n awesome!

Warning!!!!! Spoilers galore after the jump.
I’ll say it right away; this movie is an absolute blast. I haven’t had this much fun watching a superhero movie since, Superman III and his evil nicotine mischief. It’s like they took my favorite elements of action movies and turned out a fresh batch of awesome. You have the cars of James Bond, the hi-tech goodies of Mission: Impossible, the one step ahead hero of Bourne Identity, mix that with a production that is every bit as kinetic as a Spider-Man movie and you have a blockbuster that doesn’t disappoint.

There were so many decisions that made this movie fun to watch. The main one being that they never allow Robert Downy Jr. any downtime at all during the movie, he’s constantly interacting with something whether it be the human characters, his robot assistants, or the armor (Jarvis) itself. The movie does not let him spare one ounce of wit and they wring out every possible opportunity for Robert Downey Jr. to carry this film.

Jeff Bridges beard and chrome dome is so unsettling at first glance you know he has to be the villain of the movie.

As a huge fan of “Hustle and Flow” I had a hard time seeing Terrance Howard playing second fiddle. I mean this is the guy who “Whupped That Trick” and slapped Skinny Black. Now I understand that he can’t be the star of every movie, but did he have to play such a wet blanket of a best friend. It seems like his entire dialogue was “Tony, grow up” “Tony you can’t do this. “Tony I don’t want to be involved” “Tony my pussy hurts”. I swear if this were a chick movie, Rhodey would be the girlfriend you love to see get dumped on her ass to a jangly pop tune.

As far as the pseudo love interest is concerned, is there less sexy name than Pepper Potts? Why didn’t hey just name her Herpina Hayes or Crabbie Cumquat? I’m glad they gave Gwen a little something beyond playing damsel in peril for RDjr. Hopefully someone will let these two carry a dialogue heavy indie movie.

I’m glad that the movie took the time to show the process of building and testing the armor. They could have easily gone the cheap montage set to that crappy version of “Iron Man” that they’ve been using to promo the film. Instead they took their time with it and gave us some of the funniest scenes in the movie.

Okay this movie wasn’t perfect, there was the disjointed plotline where the villains really weren’t developed at all. That guy was supposed to be bad-ass Mandarin? All he did was stand in menacing poses, get his face burned and put to sleep by Jeff Bridges. How did they soldiers not get overly suspicious when they saw what Tony Stark was building looked nothing like the missiles they were forcing him to construct? Why does a missile need a faceplate and devices that look like arms and legs? Stupid jihadists! Tony Stark powers up his boots for the first time and he goes flying into the lab wall. Obadiah Stane hops in his armor on first power up and has no problems kicking Iron Man’s ass…seriously, wtf?

There is a pretty cool Stan lee cameo, but the best cameo comes during the final credits. Let’s just say Tony might be hopping on a plane …with snakes on it.

/em cue Cobra Starship’s “Bring It”

The Rant: Harold and Kumar Escape from Guantanamo Bay

2008-04-28T00:06:00.000-07:00

When Harold and Kumar Go to White Castle opened I was lucky enough to see it at an Alamo Drafthouse Cinema where they served imitation sliders as part of the theme. I loved the movie and knew immediately it would be a cult classic since this is the one film that could unite anyone who has made a late night slider run...I also knew it would be limited to cult classic since that particular audience wasn't the necessarily the type to plunk down 10 bucks to see a movie. So four years later, John Cho and Kal Penn get their sequel and I'm left to wonder if I can really enjoy this film without the Quixotic journey to White Castle lingering in the background. Who am I kidding? NPH is gonna be in this here movie, yo! I'm sold. Here's the Rant for Harold and Kumar Escape From Guantanamo Bay, let me remind you that this is not a review and that there are SPOILERS galore. Cause (I need a new catchphrase since two years is a long time to roll, suggestions please) SUCKAS!

So the movie starts off where the last one left us. Harold and Kumar are on their way to Amsterdam to chase after Maria.

So, following the cosmic order of things, anytime you have characters who have just eaten 30 sliders and 4 orders of fries just hours before you have to address the White Castle shits. Like Harold in the movie I have experienced a roommate busting in the bathroom and taking a huge loppy WCS while I’ve been trying to shower. I still have Post sensatory traumatic syndrome from my Cincinnati experiences. It’s like the steam from the shower reactivates whatever undigested onions pass through and sit in the toilet. Just reminiscing over that oniony aroma mixed in with fast food poo makes me want to throw up…but it also leaves me craving White Castle. Seriously. Go figure.

As far as story structure goes this movie is almost identical to the original which isn’t a bad thing. It’s movie by numbers…instead of Freakshow, you get an inbred cyclops baby, instead of Maria you have Kumar’s former flame, you have the obligatory giant bag of weed fantasy scene. The villains have gone from Saltines to Ritz for the sequel. They’re a little richer, have a bit more flavor, but they’re still just crackers. NPH is back…but more on that later.

Cock-meat sandwich is probably the catch phrase most people are going to take from this move.

They also decided to bump up the blatant mocking of stereotypes a notch to really, most of which comes from the government figures in the movie. My favorite scenes were the interrogation techniques used on the black dude, the dumping of grape soda in order to coerce a statement and on Harold and Kumar’s Jewish pals, the dumping of approximately $7.00 worth of pennies.

The bottomless party…yeah it delivered, but it left me wondering if grooming trends for women are going back to “more hair down there”. Based on my experience it’s the opposite…and yes they’ve all been over 18! Jerks. Another thing that bothered me was a missed opportunity for a penis gag when H and K were forced to go bottomless. A Dirk Diggler prosthesis on Harold would have been comedy gold! In a movie that both wallows in the gutter (Kumar rubbed one out and spooged in his own face in the first two minutes) and likes to mock stereotypes they missed the obvious gag regarding Asian penis size.

Then there’s NPH. Neil Patrick Harris is back as Neil Patrick Harris. He loses impact with me since I’ve been a fan of “How I Met Your Mother”‘s Barney Stinson which is basically Harold and Kumar’s version of NPH without the drugs but with a suit. Still the idea of Doogie Howser plowing down the road chewing on shrooms is quite awesome.

I mean it SPOILER:

I guess the best way to put it is the way I described it on the phone last night. NPH gets blown away with a shotgun trying to escape a whorehouse where he had just branded his initials on a whore’s ass with an actual branding iron. Needless to say, Mother was disappointed when she heard this.

The romantic subplot was a waste of time and done terribly. Makers of Harold and Kumar, it’s 2008, you can have a realistic romantic plot filled with dick jokes aplenty and still make money at the box office. Signed, Judd Apatow.

There is a longer than I expected George Bush scene…I actually sympathized with the guy for a few minutes after I saw the movie. DAMN YOU HAROLD AND KUMAR!

So the ending has Harold and Kumar in Amsterdam with babes in tow and all of them are in love…with weed.

So…is it a well written story? No. Was the chased by the government theme a little gimmicky and charm tainting? Yes. Was it funny? Very. So it was mixed for me. I had a good time but wished for something better. Still early returns show that Harold and Kumar: Escape From Guantanamo Bay’s opening weekend did 3 times what the original did so there’s still a chance to make up for it in a third.

The Rant: Juno

2008-01-23T01:22:00.001-08:00

I was waiting for something big to get me out of blog hibernation and the combination of seeing Juno on the eve of the film recieving Oscar nominations for Best picture, Best Actress, and Best Screenplay seemed like a good choice to break my silence.

First thoughts: This film is like one big excercise of sarcasm and one liners as a defense mechanism for a serious situation (teen pregnancy) Since that's also how I roll, Juno fit me like a glove. As usual this is not a review, just some impressions. Spoiler Alert is on. Blogging cap on. Thunderbirds are Go! Thundercats HO!

Ellen Page plays the role of 16-year old Juno with a wonderful range and sensitivity. For the first few minutes I was worried that she would fall into the "I was a teenage Janeane Garofalo" trap, but that image was shattered. Her performance keeps you guessing and on your toes, but is equally engaging. Perfect for the coming of age story of a teenage girl who also happens to be preggers.

Michael Sera, who plays Juno's baby daddy, really needs to be cast as something other than the awkward, good-hearted, uncomfortable with sexual impulses teenager in his next project. There isn't much difference between his character in Juno, Paulie Bleeker, Superbad's Evan, and Arrested Development's George Michael Bluth. Still the film needs this type of character to work...I just don't want to see him playing this guy three years from now.

The dialogue is so over the top slang-mangling and sardonic that Juno becomes a Napoleon Dynamite-esque nursery for quoatables. When Juno becomes accessible at Blockbuster all your three-month-behind wannabe hip friends will say something to effect of "Home Skillet" or "Honest to blog!" and you will want to stab them in the eye.

As someone who grew up with a generation of teenage movies that portrayed adults as one-dimensional ineffectual foils for the know it all teen, I was happy to see all of the main adult characters given depth. they all have complications dealing with this situation and they all are sympathetic at appropriate times. J.K. Simmons of Vern Schillinger from Oz and J.Jonah Jameson from Spider-Man fame, plays a gruff but warm father, but I still half expected him to shank somene in a shower. Jennifer Garner slowly reveals there is more to her role as adoptive mother to Juno's child than batting cleaup for the Junior League All-Stars. Jason Bateman is perfect as the "clinging to the early 90's" guy who sold out and is reduced to having all the the things he feels defines him relegated to a spare room or boxes that are hidden away. He's easy to label as the "dick" of the movie, but I totally understood his aversion to the idea of becoming a father with the line "There are just some things that I still want to do". A bittersweet mix of both genuine and chickenshit at the same time, but I can relate.

Holy Shit! Sean from Degrassi sighting!!!

I loved that the movie wasn't afraid to take some luster off of Juno's wise beyond her years veneer. Her proclaiming the magic of '77s music scene when she wasn't even alive, her surprise that someone else might be familiar with "All the Young Dudes", and her emotional cracking when she realizes there are things beyond her maturity level that she can't deal with ,necessarily knock her down a few pegs. It sure beats having your main character lip synch "Shake it Up Baby" in the middle of a parade on a school day. Yes, once again, "Up yours John Hughes!"

The mood of the movie is set perfectly by the smother presence of Kimya Dawson on the soundtrack. Her sound becomes part of the films identity the way the Shins left their mark of "Garden State". Dawson, sorta-formerly maybe-still-is half of the Moldy Peaches, is just as quirky as the movie and creates an accompanying stream of conciousness that you end up sucked into Juno's world and situation whether you want to or not. Closing the movie with a cover of the Peaches'"Anyone Else But You" perfored by the main characters was absolutely perfect. Perfect enough that videos of emo couples performing their own versions may just outnmuber the "Soulja Boy Dance" videos soon enough.

I'm pretty sure that thousands of teenage dudes that left Juno with the same feeling I had when I first saw the movie Heathers. Ellen Page has Winona Ryder trumped with fanboy cred (she was X-Men's Kitty Pryde), and an Oscar nominatiuon. As of right now she is the defining young actress of her generation. The Juno Soundtrack is nearing the top of the charts, meaning the sounds of "The Moldy Peaches" could possibly reach Loggins-esqe proportions. Not bad...Society. Not bad. This almost makes up for "Snakes on a Plane". Now if you could just explain to me why you couldn't get behind "Walk Hard"

The World Series Game One: Where are all the Black people?

2007-10-24T22:02:00.001-07:00

Seriously, it's Game one of the 2007 World Series between the Boston Red Sox and the Colorado Rockies, but I'm not so sure this isn't the Stanley Cup! Really, where did all the African-American baseball players go? I'm going down the starting lineups and it's White, White, White, Dominican, Dominican, White, White, White, Japanese, White, White, Dominican and so on. I know LaTroy Hawkins who pitches for Colorado and Coco Crisp are African-Americans but they aren't likely to play a big part in the series. Between Matsui for Colorado and Dice-K and Okajima pitching for the Red Sox there will be more high profile Japanese players in this series than Black players. How the hell did that happen?

I don't think I've ever seen this high profile an event among the big three sports that didn't have a significan African-American presence. I'm not saying it's a good thing or a bad thing...it is what it is and it's just weird. Network TV is constantly under fire for it's lack of Blacks on screen...I wonder if the progaming directors at Fox sent notes to Rockies Manager Clint Hurdle telling him to pitch LaTroy at least an inning by Game 2.

The best performance by an African-American in game one was Boston Red Sox reserve Royce Clayton on Fox's Sounds of the Game. They were discussing the stolen base promotion where Taco Bell will give away a free beef taco after the first stolen base of the series. Royce was trying to explain that the promotion had to take place the day of the promotion and that any other way wouldn't make sense. It was actually funnier than an entire season of The Bernie Mac Show so I guess they hit some sort of quota.

The game itself...I had to switch during the marathion 5th inning with the Sox up by 10. I'm rooting for the Sox only because before the season started Jordan;s Furniture had a promotion that furniture bought during a limited time would be FREE if the Red Sox won the series. My sister was shopping for a sleeper sofa and against my urging bought her sofa from another store. Maybe if I'm right she'll listen to me next time.

Premiere Week III: Cavemen

2007-10-02T22:38:00.000-07:00

Aight suckas, there's just a few more premieres left and then we'll be settled into this TV season. So, we'll start tonight with recaps for Cavemen and Carpoolers.

Cavemen (Tues. 8:00 pm ABC)

Yeah, someone who's pulling in at least 6 digits really did greenlight this project. A Geico commercial turned into a full length 22 minute sitcom. I'm actually gonna bear down watch it, for such is my calling and I truly love y'all. If this day wasn't bad enough, I was diagnosed with 24 hour Tourette Syndrome by my fake doctor, so hang on we might experience some turbulence here. Temporary uncontrollable rage + Cavemen = How I roll.

Well it's a few minutes in and Cavemen hasn't really played out like I thought it would. I expected a rehash and extended versions of the actual commercials, like the therapist session, or the prejudice filled luncheon, or uncomfortable moments dealing with modern technology. Sure, it would be lame TV but at least those commercials are entertaining for 30 seconds. Which is sadly 29 more seconds of entertainment that we got from Cavemen.

Hey you dumbfucks! This is like having a show with that old ass lady from Wendy's and having her not give a fuck about the fucking beef!

The premise is that there have always been cavemen that have lived among us through and they still live with among us today. Apparently, they missed an obvious President Caveman joke...or caveman blogger joke (fuck you, by the way). Cavemen are just simply treated like another race. The finished product is a show about mid 20-ish to early 30-ish cavemen bachelors living the swinging life in San Diego.

ARRGH!!! if you were going to insert a race of people from a god-damned commercial, the fucking Cavity Creeps would have been more purposeful. They fucking make holes in teeth and they must be stopped. All the pretty morons in San Diego would have shitted themselves when they saw the Cavity Creeps coming!

After hearing these Cavemen banter about cheating girlfriends, unwritten dissertations, and dating outside the race, a Tortilla Chips and Milk hypothesis forms. The producers of this show were undecided about the direction of the project. So they took a failed pilot script about hip single guys of the same race and used it for this show. Maybe it was El Guapo Vatos or They Hung Lo or Wokking and Rolling (I couldn't pick) or Hide and Go Sikh or Single White Male Jews but whatever it was, they took out the original race in the script be it Mexican, Asian, Indian/Sikh, or Jewish, then "cut and paste, found and replaced" said race with CAVEMEN. So instead of hiring (god forbid) actual ethnic actors, they just took a bunch of cracka ass crackas, glued some hair on them and voila! Brand new show!

FUCK! This is like a cheap ass Entourage except it's about ordinary people. Ordinary people who have furry fucking faces. If you took the Cavemen out of the equation you'd be left with whiny, emotionally stunted pretty white people. Oh yeah,that show already exists it's called FUCKING GREY'S ANATOMY! If you wanted compelling TV you could have licensed the Herbal Essence women who have "organic" experiences. If you cast five hot women who walked around having fake orgasms all the time, that show would fucking rule! Oh wait that show already exists too. I've just described DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES! I can't fucking win! Assholes!

All you're left with at the core of Cavemen is a sorta topical, almost hip sitcom with some Flinstonian jokes thrown in. Our cast of Cavemen include a brainy one, a dumb one, a guy who works at an Ikea knockoff (those scenes were actually funny), the Cave-douche who thinks he's a stud, and a wholesome one. The wholesome one might have also been the dumb one, but it's hard to tell these guys apart when they all have fur on their faces. The sorta plot revolves around Ikea-knockoff-employee Caveman, who struggles with revealing to his Caveman friends that he is actually dating a dreaded homo-sapien or "sape". In the original script they probably used the term "homo-sapien" to replace the equally dreaded but rightfully shunned "Girl from Fresno".

Hey Mac Guy, I bet your Mac can't do spreadsheets like this, Fucko! Hey PC guy, I got to rub up on Megan Fox and I'm dating Drew Barrymore! Your PC sucks shit like this fucking goddamn stupid Cavebitch show!

Ahem, anyway, the ha-ha twist at the end is that while the Cavemen are all down with hot sapien, it turns out that the spaien girlfriend is a Furball chaser and that she's had more fur in her mouth than my cat. Seriously, insert your own choice of race and the show is much more entertaining. I'm going rewatch this episode and pick Serbs.

Hey look it's annoying text message girl! I heard they wanted to spec her for a new show too, but she got beat out by Cavemen. Let's see what she's got to say: FU ABC DIAF ASAMFP (Fuck You, ABC, Die in a Fire, as soon as mother fucking possible)

Aight that was just half of ABC's sitcom premiere next we have:

Carpoolers (Tues. 8:30 pm ABC)
You know what? Fuck this, I'm not watching this show. This is the same network that cancelled Sportsnight and they have the fucking nerve to air that Caveshit? Yeah I'm done with y'all. Sorry fat-kid-from-Stand by Me I'm not gonna watch.

Tech Tags: Cavemen

The Fresh Prince to remake The Karate Kid?

2007-10-01T12:56:00.000-07:00

Okay saw I saw this rumor printed here Will Smith directing a remake of Karate Kid with his son in the Daniel Role and Jackie Chan in the Mr. Miyagi role. I never thought I'd ever need to to type the words "karate kid remake" ever. Anyway here are the questions that immediately pop into my head.

Are all the Cobra Kai members going to be black this time, with one token white member who only has a brown belt?

How are they going to have the romantic storyline when the kid is probably going to be under 12 when the movie comes out? Elizabeth Shue was the sixth best thing in that movie and I mean that with the highest amount of praise possible.

Will they track down Bananrama for the soundtrack?

How is Mr. Miyagi whoopin ass gonna come as a surprise when we already know Jackie Chan can whoop ass? I mean most people knew the original Mr. Miyagi as the fry cook/proprietor on Happy Days. Having him whip ass was a total shock.

Is Will Smith gonna have a cheesy ass title song with the term "Karate Kid" in the lyrics? I nomitate that he sample "You're the Best Around" in order to kill two birds with one stone.

Will we hear the epic line "Get him a body bag...yeah!!!!!" ?

Will he spare us from having Jada Pinket Smith play a modern day Mrs. LaRusso?

Is it gonna be set in Reseda or Philly?

Got Zabka?

Will the penultimate scene in the movie be a karate move based on this?

Suckas gots ta know!

Premier Week Part II

2007-09-30T23:16:00.001-07:00

Okay, so I realized that there are only a handful of shows I can actually stand right now. But here's a quick recap of what I watched the last half of the week.

The Office (Thurs. 9:00 pm NBC)

The best comedy on TV returns. I'm gonna miss Rashida Jones. The Office starts up on the same high note that it left off last season. Too many things to list, but I really love the fact that they are keeping the Jim-Pam romance as a side story rather than the main focal point of the show. It's still all about Michael and the office as a whole. Favorite Line from this week:

Michael: Kelli you are a Hindu so you believe in Buddha right?
Kelli: That's Buddhists.
Michael: Are you sure?
Kelli: No.

Saturday Night Live (Sat. 11:30 pm, NBC)

The much hyped season premiere featuring LeBron James was a neutered mess. Usually the key to a successful athlete hosting comedy is a willingness to take a self depreciating approach to his reputaion or career. Michael Jordan,Joe Montanna, Walter Payton, Peyton Manning, and Tom Brady all went out of the box and allowed themselves to stripped down and mocked. LeBron on the other hand seems like he had to have everything approved by the image police. Maybe it was shit writing. Maybe it wouldn't have been so bad if musical guest Kanye West didn't totally upstage him with the sketch which involved him confronting award winners, including an eight year old state fair winner for best pumpkin. "Sneaky Cameras!"

Jermaine Taylor vs. Kelly Pavlik

This isn't a show that premiered but it was a hell of a boxing match. I'm not in any one camp when it comes to boxing, MMA, or even Pro-Wrestling. I'm just a fan of ass-kicking and I'm happy to say that Saturday night I got to see an ass kicking. I'm not going to go into it too much but if you're a fan of ass kicking too catch the replay on HBO.

I'll probably be keeping tabs on Reaper, Bionic Woman, the Office and some others this week to get a regular recap schedule going.

Fashion Trends I Wanna See: Get yer Halo thug on!

2007-09-30T22:58:00.000-07:00

Aight, I ain't gonna front. I ain't the one when it comes to Halo 3. The last time I played a Halo game was a few weeks ago and I got shivved to death on a four way screen a buttload. Still you gotta give props to a game whose sales reached $170 Million. Compare this to the highest and movie weekend opening of the year, Spider-Man 3, which grossed $151 million and you got a little shake up in the entertainment industry about to happen.

Now I've seen video game clothes but they usually lean towards emo/Hot Topic crowd. Like rockin' the Mario shirt is gonna get you any clam.

The fashion trend I wanna see is reppin' the Halo 3 and gettin' yer thug on at the same time. Back from an extended break is our TC and M male model, Dartagnan, live from a midnight Halo 3 sale, with an example of what I'm talkin' bout yo!

Masta Chief > Soulja Boy

Premiere Week!

2007-09-27T00:53:00.000-07:00

With the new TV season in full swing this week I thought I'd give y'all the rundown on some of this weeks season premieres. Then I realized something. I don;t watch as nearly as much TV as I think I do, So I've had to actually force myself to watch at least one premiere a night this week. So here's Tortilla Chips and Milk's midweek TV report. Bridal Edition.

Something Old...
How I met Your Mother (Monday 8:30pm CBS)

The third season of my second favorite sitcom (out of two) guest stars Enrique Inglesias and Mandy Moore as Robin and Ted try to get over their last season breakup. Enrique is the perfect rebound guy from Hell and sends Ted into neurotic spiral. In his quest to "win" the break up he ends up with a tramped up Mandy Moore. Ted somehow manages to get a "tramp stamp" as well. At least it wasn't syphilis The only bad part is that we had to hear both guest stars sing. Blech! I'm definitely sticking aqround for another season.

Something New...

Reaper (Tuesday 9 pm. CW)

I picked this premiere for the simple fact that it was directed by KEvin Smith. What I got was a Male Buffy the Vampire Slayer with a homeless man's Jack Black sidekick. The premise works pretty well for episodic TV. A 21 year old slacker finds out that his parents sold his soul to the DEVIL (Bwak!) In return he has to capture escaped souls from Hell. The Devil happens to be played by the same guy who played Leland Palmer on Twin Peaks, and yeah, he gives me the creeps. Looks like Reaper is gonna be a freak of the week type show with a some young adult emo drama thrown in. It was good stuff, but I happened to catch the pilot over the summer and noticed they had changed the love interest of the show from Nikki Reed (The OC) to Missy Peregrym (Stick It!) based on her guest spot on Heroes as an Illusionist, Michael. I have to say that I was impressed by Nikki Reed's OC run and is more my taste so I was kinda diappointed. Still the new choice isn't tough on the eyes either. I'll stick with it unless they pull a Smallville and turn all the focus on the chick.

Something Borrowed...

Bionic Woman (Wed. 9pm NBC)

This show reminds me of another show I've seen before. It's on the tip of my tongue...oh yeah it's DARK ANGEL! Seriously, they really don't take anything from the old 70's version of Bionic Woman other than the title and the Jamie Somers name . There is no Steve Austin singing Jamie songs or her crushing tennis balls. Quick Tangent: Wouldn't it be cool if they brought in "Stone Cold" Steve Austin to play the modern day Six-Million-Dollar-Man Steve Austin? What? Anyway while it takes little from the original Bionic Woman it lifts a shit load from Dark Angel and it's cybernetic, weapon of death, skin tight, chick fighting, stylings. I got one thing to say about that. "Word". It drags in the setup, but from the showdown with Bionic Woman v 1.0 to Jamie's hardcore speech about burying anyone they send after her it won me over. Two hot chicks fighting in the rain didn't hurt one bit.

Something Blew...

Private Practice (Wed 9pm ABC)

Take this as you will. It is paced exactly like Grey's Anatomy. If you like Grey's you will probably love this show. Me? I thought I would give it a shot since Addison was one of the few GA characters I liked and I did like the writing at times. After seeing the naked towel dancing sequence I wish that she could be my Black Kate Walsh tonight. Seriously. So that, combined with the pacing which was so annoyingly Grey's that I yelled "Focus" milliseconds before the cast did and that the formulaic GA wacky patient them is carrying over (They had to take semen from a dead guy) I decided to flip the channel and never look back.

Until I find a new catchphrase: That's how I roll, suckas!

Leave Britney alone!

2007-09-14T14:03:00.000-07:00

We all know how much I love to crack on Britney (because she just won't go away!) and I had a whole big thing planned about the VMAs, but ...

I'll just post this instead. :)

Songs You Should Know: Blondie - Dreaming

2007-08-23T15:18:00.000-07:00

So, I was watching the trailers before Bourne Ultimatum (excellent movie btw) and the trailer to "We Own the Night" comes on (also looks like a winner). So when the title card goes up the disco-esque groove of "Heart of Glass" is in the background. All at once I start smiling and rememebr how much Blondie kicks ass! They were the first group I recognized as iconic when I was younger. I can still imagine the poster with Debbie Harry in a flowing white dress holding a flsh of light while the rest of the band stood behind her in matching suits. Their music was catagoized as a whle lot of things new-wave, punk-ish, disco, what ever you would call it now, I would call it excellent. As soon as the movie was over I dug into the iPod and put together a Blondie playlist that I haven't stopped listening to since. We're almost 30 years past their heydey and their music still holds up. Here's my favorite Blondie song, "Dreaming". Two things I love about this clip. Clem Burke's kickass drums and Debbie Harry's cheekbones. Enjoy, suckas

The Rant: Superbad

2007-08-23T14:12:00.000-07:00

I actually saw this Saturday but, decided to wait until today to post the rant because:

1) I needed some time to let this movie sink in. In my post Superbad euphoria I may have declared this movie better than The Warriors and Caddyshack combined...and that can't happen.

2) I wanted this Rant to come closer to the weekend in hopes that if you haven't seen the movie yet I can convince you otherwise.

If you read my Knocked Up rant, you'll know that I'm firmly aboard the Judd Apatow bandwagon. I've been looking forward to Superbad ever since the trailer and it did not disappoint. The packed theater was raucous to the point where the laughs from gags and one-liners overlapped each other. Superbad is best served with a crowd. Don't be a sucka and wait for the DVD.

Okay big SPOILER ALERT for this one, as usual, this is not a review just some impressions.

The premise is simple, two high school seniors, Seth and Evan, get invited to a party and somehow get in charge with buying the liquor. Enter Fogel their nerdy smack talking friend with a fake I.D. Sure we've all been in this situation, Superbad's plot is not as ambitious as trying to run a brothel while your parents are gone or pseudo cathartic as self-discovery through detention...but this is part of why the movies works, we've all been in a situation like this at one time or another and we know all the shit that can go wrong. The plot is on autopilot from that point on and we get to focus on the kids. It's not always about the originality. Superbad works because of the quality of its execution.

The movie starts out with a discussion of the porn site Seth is going to subscribe to. He's about to settle on Vag-tasic Voyage, where some dudes take a van and film their escapades with chicks. If you were like me you said "Hey, that sounds like Bangbus!" and if you are like me you are also a little embarrassed that you know that. So if you go see it this weekend, don't be like me and say it out LOUD.

"I am so jealous you got to suck on those titties as a baby" "Well, at least you got to suck on your Dad's dick"

Sure the movie is pretty much a dick and discharge joke fest, but one of my favorite laughs came from an innocent Asian kid's imitation of a cat. So there is at least one successful attempt at clean humor. I'm trying to think of any others...hmmm...well at least there's one.

"You know if you scratch our back we'll scratch yours" "Well Jules, the funny thing about my back is that it's located on my cock."

This sequence stands out as an example of one of the things I love most about this movie. The characters are not pigeon-holed into a stereotype. In a lesser comedy the fat loser kid would never say that to a girl he was interested in. Seth and Evan are portrayed as realistic teenagers. They both have their moments where they show they aren't limited to Seth's low self-esteem and Evan's anal retentive neuroticism. They aren't one trick ponies and they come off as real. High School's clique system was never as rigid as the 80's movies liked to claim it was. If it was for you, then I'm sorry you grew up in Retardville. It looks like the f'n Breakfast Club influence may be finally gone from teenage movies. Suck it John Hughes!

"For some reason, I don't know why, I would sit around all day and draw pictures of dicks"

I'm going to preface this with a TC and M anecdote. We were in a Las Vegas suite for a bachelor party weekend. The night we all got in we ended up just hanging around and we decided to get PPV porn on the big screen. So we're about to settle on an orgy movie with one guy and a whole lotta sluts. Then our nameless friend objects to the choice with "Pick another one, that movie only has one cock in it". Needless to say, any decision we had to make that weekend was followed by, "Hey, does that enough cock for ya?"

So yeah, as Superbad's cavalcade of cock doodles started, I wondered if he would be satisfied...really though, there are a lot of dick pictures.

"I am McLovin"

Get ready for the McLovin merch! If you miss out I'm sure Urban Outfitters will have these in stock where their Napoleon Dynamite stuff used to be.

"Prepare to get fucked by the long dick of the law"

The cops in this movie, played by Superbad co-writer Seth Rogen and SNL's Bill Heder, make a hilarious device for moving the plot and at times steal the movie. Keeping the focus off Evan and Seth for a good portion of the movie helped quite a bit. There's nothing worse for movie that getting sick of seeing main characters on the screen. Ex: All three Star Wars prequels.

"You have such a smooth cock." "Thank you. You would too...if you were a man."

Michael Sera plays the over-polite, insecure, dork to perfection. His portrayal of Evan is really just a continuation of his George Michael Bluth from Arrested Development. What sets Superbad apart from most teen movies is the depths it will go to accurately portray the awkwardness of uncomfortable teenage moments. I had the feeling that most of the audience were reliving some of moments as recently as the weekend before.

"So I guess I'll call you. I have your information so..."

The parting sequence that ends this film was so bittersweet. They acknowledge that the "bro's before ho's" era is now ending. Long live the "getting screwed over by chicks era". All they needed to do was play "Just Once" and have Seth drive away crying in the rain.

Michael Vick: Tragedy!

2007-08-20T13:22:00.000-07:00

Well, it looks like Michael Vick is going to be headed for the hoosegow soon. He's agreed to plead guilty to federal charges stemming from a dogfighting ring.

Thing looked bleak for Vick once his co-defendants all slowly decided to accept plea bargains which would also include testimony implicating Vick's involvement Bad Newz Kennels. (Yeah, I thought it was strange too that they would use a "Z" in news but not in kennels.) So with three of his buddies lined up to snitch, it was just a matter of time before Vick caved.

Okay, to lose fame, a 130 million dollar contract, and tens of millions a year in endorsements, is one thing. To lose it all to crime as low on the "menace to society" totem pole as dogfighting is another. To lose everything in such a manner, because your childhood buddies turned on you, is a tragedy.

The tragedy lies here: Either Michael Vick is the dumbest "kingpin" ever or he's the biggest prick that ever lived. The argument for Vick being the dumbest criminal starts and ends with this. He had a 130 million contract, 22 million which was in an upfront signing bonus. He chose to do illegal shit, which happens, but there's a reason you don't see multi-millionaires going to jail all the time. It's called "Yo, shut the fuck up!" money. Do you think three people named "Q", "P-Funk", and "T" would have flipped on him so quickly if they knew they'd have a million or two waiting for them when they got outside? I mean shit! Doesn't he know how mulit-millionaire criminals roll?

Okay, so what if he did have some "Yo, shut the fuck up!" money? How big of an asshole do you have to be for three of your homeboys to say "Naw man fuck that money, he was always a punk ass." I mean, I'm a pretty much a jerk to my friends, but if I slipped them a hundy they wouldn't say shit about that copy of Spiderman 3, er hypothetically, of course. Vick should have been worth millions to those guys and they still snitched. For that to happen, Vick might be the ultimate codpiece.

So You Think You Can Dance: Top Six

2007-08-15T19:00:00.000-07:00

Ameriker! I lost my C: Drive! This recap is late! Still, I wanted to get this out before the finale two parter. I'll decide last minute if I'll run it. This week we have two perfomances for each couple and a solo before the end of the show! The guest Jidge for this week is Debbie Allen and all I hear is blah blah blah Fame costs bitches!
Our first couple reveal for the night is Pasha who will be paired up with Lacey. They draw one card with two dances types which is supposed to prove that the routine choices aren't predetermined. Oh yeah, like they haven't measured Lacey's head for her tiara...

Their first style tonight is Hip-Hop by Dave Scott. He warns us that there will be some acting involved in this joint right here-ah. The "plot" is Pasha is trying to revive, Lacey, who will be playing a manequin. Hey, it's just like that movie about that manequin who dances around...you know the one...with that chick...Showgirls!

We start up with Pasha sporting the paperboy and nerd glasses. Which is brilliant because if he looks like a dopey white guy breakin it down, they can attribute it to being in "character". So we start out the routine with Pasha spazzing out and lacey doing her best Cattral. Then things get a little interesting

The key to reviving a manequin is apparently taking it from behind. Um kay. The routine is pretty good and for all the shit talking I do about the faux-ho, Lacey does a pretty good job. Pasha ...looks like a geeky white guy doing hip-hop, so I guess it's all good. The judges are all full of compliments...it was a fun way to start the show.

Now we get our first solo and it's Sabra doing her thing to "Rock Your Soul" by Elisa. Sabra just flows with an elegance and a great energy. She's probably my favorite out of the remaining dancers.

Our next duo is Danny and Lauren. So we've got Snotty Snotterson and Toothy Mc I-can't-stand-you-if-I-had-a-time-machine-I-would-have-voted-for-Sara-a-million-times-to-eliminate-your-stupid-hammy-face!

Mia Micheals serves up a routine where the two play aliens, because aliens are cool, I guess. If they were going for cool I would have picked secret agents with amnesia. That's teh hotness right there. So they dance to Celine Dion and dressed in all black they look more like Bananna Republic employees than aliens. I keep looking for something alien-y but really, it's just dancing. At least with the Hip Hop routine you don't need to be told the storyline. You should get it. Without the intro the story might as well be The Bourne Ultimatum.

For the second week in a row, Lauren sucks face with her partner and I swear I thought Danny was going to do a spit take and make a sour puss face. The routine takes them all over the stage up the stairs, through the crowd, and finally on the balcony.

These are two of the chosen ones so Nigel is about to explode with praise. Mary screams her head off. I'm zoning her out now. Debbie Allen calls them a choreographer's dream and scoffs that this show should be getting Oscars for this performance. She might as well have said a Nobel Prize, since they don't give awards for cheesy ass dance shows either. Patience wearing thin.

Next solo and it's Pasha in the spotlight. The chorus to "Total Eclipse of the Heart" starts and things just get really weird. Since there is no video backstory let me fill in the blanks. This is the sequel to the hip-hop manequin routine. It's the night of their 10th Anniversary and the manequin has been decapitated and lost it's arms in a tragic dry humping accident. Pasha is either dancing to lament or to magically make her head and arms grow back. Apparently in the future tuxedo jackets with no shirt on underneath is in style. I think I'ma start rockin that look yo!

Next up it's Sabra and Neil. Well at least they'll be likable and peppy! Mandy Moore, who has been an awesome addition to this year's dance taskmasters, is gonna jazz it up with an 80's power lunch. Where they'll be negotiating...through dance. Neil says the only 80's he remembers is the Karate Kid and threatens to wax Sabra in the negotiation. Omigod, I thought for a second he said he was gonna wax dat ass.

It's "Sweet Dreams" by the Eurythmics and again it's a plot that doesn't need explaination. The pair are dressed in charcoal and cobalt blue and they're wrestling around and and over a table, Neil has his Ricky Schroeder haircut...it makes sense.

It's just fun to watch and a different flavor for this show. It's gonna be hard to top this one. Nigel is thrilled and admits that Neil has become a dancer and Sabra dances from the heart every time. Mary...F-her. Debbie is all "We like it like that".

Lauren dances to a sad desperate song called "Sorry" by Maria Mena. Still, there she goes toothin up the joint like she's dancing to "Shake Your Love". Please. Go. Now.

Round two starts off with Pasha and Lacey doing the Smooth Waltz. Hunter Johnson calls it the Rolls-Royce of ballroom dance. Lacey calls it the most difficult thing she's ever done in this competion. Wait, doesn't she have awards in partner dancing? Latin can't be as far removed from the waltz as something ike crump, can it? Shut the front door Lacey!
So the dance was a waltz and ...it was smooth? Really, I got nothing to say when it's stuff like this. This is why I don't watch "Dancing with the Stars"

Apparently, it was good. Nigel said so. He said Lacey's hands were terrible at one point. Mary is chill, so I'll listen. She actually gets technical with a compliment for Pasha's fallaway slip pivot double reverse spin over spin. Wow. it reminded me of Hee Haw when one of the bimbos in the tied shirt and Daisy Dukes would explain science or something. I actually like this version of Mary. Debbie felt like she was watching "Love Story". If only it had the same ending. She also adds that Pasha had a "mack move" during the routine. Wow! Calm, rational, technical, critiquing of a routine...maybe they should do more smooth waltzes on this show. It also goes to show that anything short of that level of critique means that the jidges are talking out of their asses.

Neil flips around to Dave Mattheew's "Out of My Hands" and he's not wearing sambas and a beat up baseball cap with the rim bent like an asshole. I though that was required wearing for dancing to Dave Matthews. Anyway, it had a near flip off the stage and girls screamed.

Disco time is next and Doriana Sanchez is back...and so is the disco ruler! They talk about a move called the death drop (I wish) and that Disco is hard. "Disco is no joke" says Doriana. I guess she doesn't remember the 80's when everyone except my old roommate denied disco's very existence.

There's something so talent show-esue abou this routine. The dancing was okay, but this version of "Don't Leave Me This Way" has an extended piano solo and it just seemed so junior high to see them disco dance to it. Also, the disco ruler only measured a 3 and 3 quarters on their death drop and their transition into a big lift was clunky. Still, it's the two of the teflon trio and I'll bet it escapes the jidges scrutiny, even though the execution was sub-par to what we've seen tonight.

Nigel thought it was a tough routine and they were incredible and points out that Lauren has bruises all over her legs. Mary thought it was FUN! She compliments Lauren's looks. Sigh. Debbie calls the the perfect Doo-OH and says they reinvented disco. The disco ruler calls bullshit!

Lacey is back with another shitty solo. This time she shakes her ass towards the camera alot. At this point, does it really matter what she does on stage anymore?

I'm going to skip the results show, but there was a moment in the recap montage where Lacey tried the innocent and embarassed act with, "I think my bum was in some cameras". If you replaced "think my bum was" with "purposely stuck my bum" you would have had the real deal. Moments like this make me wish I didn't watch the show.

Neil and Sabra close the duo performances with a paso doble. Honestly, wasn't all that but they ended with a cool move where Neil held Sabra over his head while she clutched her heeels behind her back.

She then slowly fell to the floor as she would a cape unhooked from a matadors shoulders. It's one of the coolest moves I've seen on this show.

Here's another reason why my hate for this show grows with every passing week. Nigel gives this spiel about how at the beginning of the show if you had said Neil or Sabra had a chance of winning this competiton he wouldn't have believed it, but he does now. From a viewer a comment like this would be acceptable. From a producer/ judge who designs the show, it's reprehensible. Shouldn't a top 20 that HE helped choose all have an equal probability at winning the show? Is the talent pool so shallow that they only have four or five dancers who could win while the other dancers are just filler? How biased is it that he would think from the beginning that only certain dancers could win the competition? HATE! Mary gives Neil his first trip on the hot tamale train. Debbie was relieved that this wasn't just another shitty paso doble.

Danny gets the pimp spot ...still looking like a Bananna Republic alien.

He had the best solo of the night, but as Rizzle puts it he's got phony written all over him.

So yeah I had a massive computer problem on Monday so this didn't get out that morning and I was reinstalling Windows while the results show was going on. Cause that's how a dude with a failed hard drive rolls suckas!

Results: We lost Lauren (Excellent!) and Pasha (Bogus). I'll have the finale recap up for y'all Friday.

Dancing the Light Crap-Tastic

2007-08-09T08:59:00.000-07:00

Alright, I admit I've been lazy for awhile now. But Paj inspired me last week with his recap of SYTYCD, and I've got a few points to make:

- Wade Robson--you used to be my hero and favorite choreographer on the show. Then you had to go all touchy-feely political activist on our asses. Here's a piece of advice: Peace signs at the end of a routine are stupid.

- Nigel Lythgoe--At least TRY to hide the fact that you're a string-pulling capitalist bastard who doesn't really get the whole dancing thing. Maybe you don't have to plug ALL of your friends' latest projects on the show.

- Jidges--Alright, I applaud the fact that you brought the talent level way, way up this season. Cedric hung around way too long, but other than that there really weren't any truly easy eliminations. HOWEVER, your blatant attempts to control Ameriker's decisions are repulsive! I'm sorry, but maybe you had just taken a nice hit of Xtasy before Danny and Lauren did their stupid Mia Michaels routine last night. It looked rushed, Lauren couldn't drop the toothies for a minute to get into character, and she couldn't stick or hold any of the big balances. I don't think she did a turn or a balance all night where she didn't wobble or stumble--strictly amateur hour. You raved and raved. Hell, even the cameraman got congratulated for chasing them up the steps and distracting Danny so much that he forgot to hold Lauren's hand. Whatever it is you've got in those Coke cups, Jidges, give me some of that shit!

- Danny--There's no denying that you're a great dancer. But please, please never look into the camera again with that sorry-sap "Really Ameriker, I'm not an arrogant asshole" expression. I threw up in my mouth a little bit.

- Pasha is adorable, and I'm still jealous of Sabra. Don't be a hater, Paj...she's incredible.

Here is what SHOULD happen on Monday night:

1. Lauren SHOULD go home

2. As much as I love him, I wonder if Pasha shouldn't go too. Neil just seems a bit more versatile, and is definitely a better soloist.

3. The jidges should shut the hell up and let Ameriker decide. You chose the format this year, now live with the consequences. Out.

Why I'm okay with Barry Bonds

2007-08-08T12:34:00.000-07:00

I've been doing a lot of thinking while following Barry Bond’s record home run chase. Amidst the allegations of his past steroid use and people clamoring for his record to be blemished with an asterix, I gave a significant amount of reflection about how I feel about the morality of it all. Trying my best to put my Yay Area loyalty aside, I came to this conclusion. I'm perfectly fine with it. Why? Because the second you put on a baseball uniform, you are taught, if not encouraged, to cheat. Here are some examples all of which occurred before I was 11.

My first year of little league and we're doing drills to learn to slide properly. I was taught that a proper slide also includes kicking an infielder's glove in hopes that the ball pops out.

I was also taught that if you’re a catcher, and you get a pitch that just misses the strike zone, move your glove as you catch it so you might trick an umpire into calling it a strike. My teacher for that one was Johnny Bench, host of the Baseball Bunch, a nationally syndicated TV show.

The movie the Bad News Bears showed us all as kids that putting Vaseline under your cap and rubbing it on the baseball can give even a pre-pubescent Tatum O'Neal a wicked breaking ball.

This is all stuff we learned during the Little League years and it's all technically cheating. This was all in the pursuit of a kid’s game for fun. Now throw in the millions of dollars and the fame that comes with success at the professional level and combine it with the cheating that the culture of baseball precipitates and you bring us to where we are today. The game of baseball will always have its cheaters. It's up to the institution of baseball itself to take care of that problem. The baseball powers that be turned a blind eye to steroids for a generation so I feel the disgust should go towards them, not the players. So when something like this comes up in life, it all goes back to a cheesy-ass trucker hat a friend of mine once wore. It read, "Don't hate the Playa, Hate the Game"

Songs You Should Know: Flight of the Conchords Edition

2007-08-08T00:33:00.001-07:00

This summer has been pretty slim pickins as far as TV goes, but HBO's Flight of the Conchords has been a standout as far as new series go. Conchords follows the adventures of New Zealand folk rockers Brit and Jermaine as they struggle to find success in the music industry. Naturally, most of the episodes end up dealing with their women problems. Think of them as a less- spastic, more cerebral Tenacious D. Sort of. Anyway the music is the driving force of the show. Here's my personal favorite, "If You're Into It" where Bret serenades his new girlfriend Coco.

Okay, so I'm a sucker for toy piano. That's how a Schroeder rolls suckas! If you get HBO catch this show!

Mr. Show - Josh Fenderman

2007-08-03T14:32:00.000-07:00

Since Fyre got us going on a Corey Feldman tangent, here's my Corey Feldman retrospective in 100 words or less. The movie Tanner Boyle would have kicked his ass...Please Jason kill him..."Yeah, but you know what? This one, this one right here. This was my dream, my wish. And it didn't come true. So I'm taking it back. I'm taking them all back"..."My father stormed the beach at Normandy!" Please Ace kill him! Why does he keep pulling this Michael Jackson shit when it's Hammertime?

Anyway this lead to remebering one of my favorite Mr. Show clips ever and their take on a Corey Feldman-like child star. The best part is the Sonny Crockett wannabee int he background of the dance bit.

So You Think You Can Dance: Top Eight Results Show

2007-08-02T23:54:00.000-07:00

We open with a hip hop routine set to "Get Up" by Ciara. The dancers are all dressed in grey suits save for a black leather clad Lauren, who is playing the part of Neo-ette. Okay, 1999 called and it's sick of this look too! The Matrix-y moves have Shane Sparks written all over it. The synchronized handplay/locking put the graffiti tag on it, yo! He still hasn't topped his "Poison" routine from last season, but it was fun.

Cat looks like she cut a hole in a night stand and put it on before she came out. She calls on the "Jidges" and it's about five minutes of "a dancers life is tough" fluffiller.

Before we get to the results all eight dancers will perform solos. The girls go first. Sara pulls of some freestyle to Big Daddy Kane.

Lacey's solo is pretty much poses and slides across the floor. Since the anointed one wasn't in the bottom three all season she never had to dance for her life. Lucky for her because that solo was ass. Anya soloed rings around her.

Sabra was a ball of energy and was fun to watch.

Lauren did a little hip-hop and twirling to Diddy and ...just go home now.

Neil actually stumbles a bit during his solo. He's all leaps and shuffling.

Danny mixes brilliance with loatheabiltiy every time he hits the stage. For example he pulls out a technically awesome solo, but he dances to "Fever" the song I hate most in the world.

Dom shows off his unbelievable breaking skills he straddles a chair during his floor work. Unbelievable.

Pasha come out chest exposed and cape a swinging. A solo doble?

Now the bottom two...after they review last night, Kat informs us that in the first pair one is safe one is in the bottom two. The first pair is Sara and Lac...oh fuck. See ya Sara. Next we have Lauren and Sabra. Kat announces Lauren is in the bottom two and asks Kat if she's sure. Annoying! Please go home now!

The guys...the first pair is Danny and Neil. Kat reminds us that Danny has been in danger three times this season. Not tonight. HE celebrates off the stage, without acknowledging Neil. Prick. Seriously, how the fuck did that happen after his stinking up the joint last night? Stupid Ameriker.

Next up is Pasha and Dominic...and Dom is the bottom two. They fist bump and I'm okay with it.

Shankman felt that Neil should have been safe and that Dom wasn't showcased enough. Dom is clinging to Kat the entire time. Playa play.

One Republic brings their full band just to lip sync their song. Ugh.

Okay bottom two girls. Annoying Lauren and my tenderoni Sara. last week Sara was in the top 3 and there's no way Lauren leap frogged her after last night right?

Sara is going home. Fuck. My favorite chick going home too early during the Top Eight week. Ameriker, how could you do this to me two years in a row!

Looks like they are out to get the breakers...Dom is next to go.

This is teh suck. I really really hate this show...again.

So You Think You Can Dance: The Top Eight

2007-08-02T23:39:00.000-07:00

Aight suckas, I've tried to change my trifilin' ways but I'm back on the So You Think You Can Dance train. It's been a fun, but predictable season so far, which is one of the reasons I've stayed away. What they should have called this show was So You Think You Can Dance Around a Conflict of Interest. During the audition shows there were certain contestants with quite a bit of clout that were chosen for the show. Not surprisingly they all made it to the Top Ten. Now that the judges are removed from the elimination process and the decisions are all made by "Ameriker", I feel a little more comfortable with the show which at times this season has felt horribly, horribly rigged.

We're left with eight dancers, so I thought I'd give y'all my little rundown on each of them before I go with an actual show recap tonight. The screenies are all at the same point of the solos they performed, and yes, they are all of the dumb as hell "ticking clock move."

She's been one of my favorites this season. I thought she might actually be the first one eliminated this season after her initial disco routine and the fact that arguably she was the least conventionally attractive of the ten girls. I thought she and Dominic had great chemistry and they quickly became the most entertaining couple to watch during the season. She finished in the top three during Top Ten week so she does have a fan base. She has a great energy when she dances and is fun to watch.

He's likable and can do some mean gymnastic tricks. Otherwise, I'm kind of "meh" on this kid. I'm quite surprised that he made it this far.

She's one of the reasons I've avoided getting too invested in this show. From the first cattle call show when they had her brother Benji pimping her I knew we'd be seeing her all the way to the finals. She's been really protected from criticism the entire season. To be fair, she is a great dancer, but there is something so in genuine about her that keeps me from being a fan. What really bugs is when she tries to put on her vamp/sexpot face. Girl, we know a tease when we see one.

Probably the best dancer in the competition and has been called the best male dancer eve on this show. Doesn't matter. He's got such a smug way about him that I want him gone. It's as simple as this test, "Would I pay money to see him perform?". Nope, because he comes off as a prick. He's like the Barry Bonds of this show without the steroids and the gigantic asteroid head.

The token Russian ballroom dancer has got a fan base that has taken him further than I expected. I've enjoyed watching him this season especially in the under appreciated Bird Dance and the impromptu routine with Bette Midler.

Unlike Danny and Lacey whose talent stifles the conflict of interest argument, Lauren has seen the most benefit from the judges favoritism. Her body of work hasn't been impressive at all and she should have been eliminated weeks ago. Her saving grace is that she really is cute. She's got the toothies though and that's kinda annoying.

My favorite male dancer on the show. He's been taking the show your personality advice a little too much to heart and he has had some weak performances, but his breaking skills are unbelievable.

My favorite since the beginning. I love the whole snowboard slacker vibe she carries. The B-Girl thing? I think it's pretty clear she's a trained dancer who decided that she liked breakin' rather than the usual untrained breaker fish out of water we've seen on this show. I dig her so much I'm brining back the term "tenderoni" just for her. Word.

This week our guest judge is Adam Shankman making a return to us this season basking in the glow of Hairspray's opening success. Apparently the film had the highest grossing opening weekend for a musical ever. "Grease" called and said "Whatever".

Instead of one routine and a solo, our dancers will be performing two routines. Danny picks Sara out of the random hat 'o dance and it seems like a mismatch at first if only because Danny is like two feet taller than she is. They start out with the Argentine Tango, otherwise known as the dance where the girl might kick her partner in the nuts.

Sara comes out wearing these awesome leather boots and it might as well be done for me. Winner! The routine was hot and would have been even hotter if Danny weren't so aloof and/or homosexual. They decided to spotlight Danny with several spots. While Sara was fanning her tenderoni self Danny would do some pirouettes here, some pirouettes there, and busts out with a flip for good measure.

After Shankman gives out even praise highlighting Sara's transformation from B-Girl to complete dance and Danny's centre, Mary and Nigel give Danny a tongue bath. Mary points out that the flip was out of place in a Argentine Tango. Nigel predictably defends Danny stating that since he's able to do a flip like that he should. I wonder if he would have said the same if Dominic broke out a headspin during a quickstep?

Next, Dominic picks Laurens name and first up for them is a Krump routine with Lil C. Dominic is excited that he's partnering with Lauren because she's hot. She also likes to rehearse with her breasticles popping out of her shirt too. So yeah, she's scoring points with me.

What we get is the most laid back Krumping I've ever seen. It seemed to be just another hip hop routine and it was just okay. I think I could have done this routine The highlight was Lauren falling when she was supposed to be jumping off of Dom's back.

Shankman still calls it "hot". Mary thought they lost energy but they were still "gangsta". Nigel thought the 50 Cent track killed it because the song meandered. He complimented Lauren covering the fall. I had to watch it twice to see what was wrong with it. They just didn;t hit the moves hard enough. The jerkiness was there and there was enough in movements to really get fierce but it didn't happen.

Neil gets Lacey and their first number tonight is Latin Jazz. The rehearsal bit focuses on the "Crunch" lift that Neil will have to do with one arm while Lacey curls up in a ball. Really all that time is set up for whether or not they pull off the lift.

They start out dancing to a really saucy number. Neil solidifies his hold on the tween vote by performing shirtless. This had the potential to be really steamy but they come off as two smiley kids mugging for their parents in the crows every chance they get. The lift? Neil does it but uses two hands. I guess the gun show was closed.

Shankman thought they weren't into each other. He has the nerve to individually criticize Lacy for looking out into the crowd too much. She reacts by putting on her bitch face the rest of the session. Mary thought the chemistry wasn't there at all to a round of boos. She also thought Neil wasn't looking at her enough even though the replay is questionable. Nigel compares them to two dance pupils at a recital.

Our final couple is Pasha and Sabra and they start out with Broadway. Tyce D'orio guides them through a fast paced rehearsal and Pasha and Sabra joke about their communication problems. Odd, they are two of my favorites but when they come together it just seems so bland.

Okay the dance is set to "A Wild Party" and if you imagine all the moves you would see on a Broadway stage during a part scene ...that's pretty much all you get. It's fun but its pretty much a two person hoedown.

Shankman loves it and calls Sabra a revelation. Mary gets Pasha's back and calls him a revelation too. She loved and does her scream bit. Nigel compares them to Benji and Donyelle doing "You Can't Stop the Beat". He gives them the ultimate jinx saying they will be there next week.

OMG the teaser shows Danny and Sara in matching airbrushed shirts! Flashback to 1987 yo! Yeah those outfits are pretty much dead on. Just because it's retro doesn't mean it's a good idea. I remember wanting an airbrushed shirt that said "Rock N' Roll Express" back then. It doesn't mean I should wear one now. This is a Shane Sparks joint, yo.

The coreography was straight out of the late 80's and was perhaps too authentic for anyone that didn't remember those times. All they needed was a Roger Rabbit. Sara is totally in her groove while Danny is looking alot like Carlton Banks. Methinks this routine was dumbed down quite a bit for him.

Anyway the jidges harp on the wardrobe a little too much. Mary thought it didn't hit hard enough. Nigel somehow blames Sara for being better than Danny and felt she should have come down to meet his partner. Yeah Sara it's your fault Danny "the greatest dancer of all time" sucked the big one in this routine. This is the bullshit I've been talking about. Really really hate this show right now. Just give Danny and Lacey the top 2 and y'all can lick them to death.

Lauren and Dom come back with a Rumba for their second dance. Lauren is all about the sexy while DOm hams it up quite a bit. Looks like this could get a bit steamy.

Yeah they did a Rumba and they kissed at the end. It's a SYTYCD first. The dance itself was just kinda blah for the most part. Shankman gives them props for their chemistry. Mary thought it was too much posing. Nigle wants to remind Ameriker how sexy Lauren looked in her dress. Seriously Nigel, remember when you said that you would be in danger of favoritism accusations when it came to Lauren? Didn't think so. HATE.

Okay here it comes the Mia Michaels backstory routine. She give Neil and Lacey the roles of her and her deceased father reuniting in Heaven. Talk about shielding your dancers from criticism.

Okay I admit it was touching, but they could have played hopscotch in that setting and it might have had the same results. The worrier and accident watcher in me kept thinking that Neil and Lacey were going to slip on all those flowers.

Shankman calls it the greatest dance ever on television. Mary is too choked up to do anything but draw a heart in the air. Nigel said it was the most touching thing he's seen -ever. Okay trophy engraver that's Schwimmer with two M's

They really stuck it to Pasha and Sabra here. Not only to they have to follow most equally sentimental-hyperbolic routine ever. They also have to do the quickstep!

Anyway as far as quickstep goes it was actually entertaining. The judges gave Sabra and Pasha props as the most consistent duo of the night.

Okay let's recap. Objective status? Protect Danny, brother of Travis? Check, they didn't point out his shortcomings in the hip hop routine. Protect
Lauren, student of Tyce D'orio? Check, we reminded everyone that she was hot. Protect Lacey, brother of Benji, cousin of Heidi? Check, routine two was impossible to criticize.

This is all playing out like it's supposed to. I'm sorry I came back.

Corey + Corey

2007-08-02T17:01:00.000-07:00

I threw myself onto a pop-culture grenade for you folks. I watched *two* episodes of "The Two Coreys."

It's been a Corey summer for me. I've been hecka busy with the move to Cali and all, but I took time out to head to Santa Cruz for a 20th anniversary showing of "The Lost Boys," a flick that should be in the TC&M Hall of Fame.

The Coreys didn't show up for the movie, but you can see them on a crappy pseudo-reality show on A&E.

They claim the show is "scripted reality" like "Curb Your Enthusiasm." Yeah, that might work ... if anyone on the show had talent.

I *loved* the Coreys back in the day ... let's just say time, doughnuts and drugs have taken their toll.

Let me sum up every episode for you. Corey Haim acts like a strung-out slob and generally makes an ass of himself. Then he cries when he realizes he doesn't have a life. Corey Feldman bitches and moans about stains on the carpet and is *completely* whipped by his fame-whore, stalker wife. Stalker wife is so bitchy and annoying she makes the Coreys look cool in comparison.

Seriously -- in an hour of television, this wench made my "People Who Need to Die" list. After watching her blubber about her ruined dinner party with the chick from PETA (Haim ordered pepperoni pizza and then put the moves on PETA chick), I wanted Feldman's bitch stuffed, roasted and served with sweet potatoes.

And what was with the photo shoot where she rolled around in her underwear on a desk covered with Corey photos? Creepy.

Skip the show -- watch "The Lost Boys" again.

The Rant: The Simpsons Movie

2007-07-30T12:18:00.000-07:00

Hmm, a movie based on an animated television show that's still currently running on the air... my response was this, "South Park already did it!" Now I haven't seen a fresh episode of The Simpsons in roughly four seasons, but old school Simpsons is something I can watch all day. I think I hit the Simpsons wall somewhere along the "Grimey" episode and it stopped being a must watch for me. Still, the first ten or so seasons I'll rank up there with the best TV has to offer so I was excited to see the movie and was very curious to see what they would do with the extra hour or so of movie time. As usual this isn't an actual review, just some impressions. There will be spoilers, you are forewarned.

They hit you early in the 20 Century Fox logo with Ralph Wiggum trumpeting in the credits. From there the movie is non-stop gags and one liners. The jokes don't always hit, but there isn't much time to contemplate before the next gag hits. It's the Simpsons so you gotta be on your toes both with the dialog and any on-screen goodness they might try to sneak past you.

The movie plays like a Greatest Hits album. Almost every gag and plot device is a variation we've already seen in the television show. The big glass dome crisis hearkens back to Burns blocking out the sun. Homer's Eskimo vision quest parallels the one he went on with a Johnny Cash voiced Coyote. Simpsons have been the target of a vigilante mob before. Lisa's romance plays like all the others we've seen before as well. Even the style of joke telling is familiar and distinctive and will call back specific episodes. You know what though? It's not a bad thing. The lack of originality is bolstered by the exectution. For example, because of "Joey Joe Joe" I knew exactly what was going to happen the moment Bart doodled on a "Wanted" poster. I also know that Homer + Springfield Gorge is never a good thing. It's not original, but it didn't matter. It still worked. The movie is full of moments like these and instead of feeling tired and hackneyed, it's comforting.

Um, remember when Bart was the focal point of The Simpsons? Anyway after 17 years or so he's now an emo mess. WTF? Anyway, what they decided to do with that extra hour they had to work with by going in depth with the characters more than they ever have. Bart expresses a desire to be loved. Marge shows that she has a tipping point in her marraige. Homer accepts a guilt based responsibility. There were some touching moments, but the feeling was like when you hang around too long with your drinking buddies and all of a sudden they start talking about their real problems. It's just a tad unsettling.

Cameos! Green Day meeting their demise was cool and Tom Hanks's bit was my favorite in the movie. The only gripe I have is that I would have rather them use President Ranier Wolfcastle rather than his real life allegory President Schwarzenegger. It didn't seem right since they didn't even use the Guvenators voice.

All the bit players are back! From Gabbo to Drederick Tatum to Jacques the Bowling Lothario. I coulda used a little more Disco Stu though.

They did go the adult route on a few occasions. I could have lived forever without ever seeing Bart's wenus. Homer giving the finger was great. Otto took a big bong hit. Marge belted out a "goddamn". I remember the days when The Simpsons were seen as radical and now their extremes are still well below the tamest South Park episodes.

Still if you enjoy the Simpsons you'll enjoy the movie. They did it right this time.

Songs You Should Know: Mistah FAB- Ghost Ride It!

2007-07-09T12:12:00.000-07:00

If there's anything I hate, it's admitting I missed the boat on some really cool stuff. Well yeah, since I've been relying on local radio for music, my exposure to stuff out of the Yay has been limited to E-40 and that "Fast like a NASCAR" song. So I missed this three minutes of awesome from Mistah FAB. Now I had been familiar with Ghost Ridin' for awhile so it was just a matter of time until they came out with an instructional song for it. I just missed it. I'm yo part-time sucka

Apparently this video has been anned for using the Ghostbusters logo in the video. Doesn't matter much since I haven't watched MTV or BET for months. Still a buddy of mine passed this on and even though it doesn't usually meet the criteria of current or forgotten oldie I had to put it down. There isn;t much I can say besides this video kick ass. So here's Ghost Ride It, by Mistah FAB. By the way if you don't appreciate the Patrick Swayze line, get the hell off my blog.

The Rant: Transformers

2007-07-07T02:39:00.000-07:00

If there's anything you can count on is Hollywood fucking up your childhood. So the last year or so I've been staying away from all the Transformers hype. No AICN, no comicbookmovies.com, nothing. All I knew going into this movie was that Bumblebee was going to be a Camaro instead of a VW BUG, the Optimus Prime would be voiced by the original cartoon voice and that Jazz was going to be one of the Autobots featured in the movie. Okay, first of all, I was a total Transformers junkie. Every day after school it was Transformers, G.I. Joe, and Thundercats. Every day. My first Transformer I ever bought was Jazz, back then he was a Porsche racing car, he was followed by dozens, but Jazz was and always will be my favorite. So my mantra as I was waiting for the movie to start was "Please don't suck".

There are going to be a bunch of spoilers and as usual this is not a review, just some impressions.

From the opening seconds, the fanboy inside of me was pumped. Hearing Optimus Prime narrate the opening set the bar incredibly high. I can honestly say that this movie did not disappoint when it came to providing nostalgic moments. Big props for using the original transforming sound effect from the cartoons. Having a VW Bug smacked my the movie Bumblebee was great. Having Jazz carry on a "black" persona... corny, but appreciated. Devestator's name still has that "Oh Shit!" aura about it. The best nod to the old Transformers was Optimus barking the line "One Shall Stand, One shall fall" I wanted to get out of my seat and start belting out "You've go the touch, you've got the powerrrr YEAH!

Holy crap is Megan Fox smokin'! If I could buy stock in her I would. Man, she's like the second coming of Jennifer Connelly, but with proportionate boobs. Seriously, I could not take my eyes off her yo!

The Bumblebee-Sam duo's characterization surprised me. Glad they made them a little tougher than in the cartoons. In the cartoons, Spike and Bumblebee were 100% cat. Sam loses points though for throwing his friend out of the car so he can give Megan Fox a ride home.

This movie had some unbelievable CGI, but some of the robots were hard to tell apart. At times it seemed a bit much but then again, It's Michael Bay. How he rolls is in slow motion with a setting sun in the background as the music build to a crescendo...yo.

I would have liked to have seen Anthony Anderson used a little bit better. The guys been in some of my favorite movies over the last few years. He should have at least gotten some nookie off the blonde. Oh well, at least he didn't get shot in the head this time.

There were quite a few "Autobots are jerks" moments. Bumblebee pulls off to a makeout point playing "Sexual Healing" . Ironhide nearly kills a Chihuahua. Optimus is a klutz who wrecks Sam's yard. Ratchet says out loud that Sam's wants to mate with the girl. Ratchet "peeing" on John Turturro. They aren't quite Superman level, but those Autobots can be jerks.

There's a scene where Sam finds out that Megan Fox had a a juvie record and he gets all self righteous and betrayed. I call bullshit. He's known her for two days and he wants to act indignant over a secret? Like a juvie record doesn't make her that much hotter? She has Daddy issues and you want to turn her away? Seriously, yo. Bullshit.

Worst moment of the movie: I'm not going to totally spoil it, but if I want to go as Jazz for Halloween this year I'm going to need a buddy to complete the costume. Stupid Megatron! I guess even black robots can't escape the "black guy always dies in science fiction movie" cliche.

The final scene had Sam and Megan Fox canoodling on Bumblebee's hood. Since he's like their pal, isn't that close to being a creepy threesome?

Anyway, I loved this movie and I have high hopes for the Transformers franchise. Still, if hear that Judd Nelson is going to be in the sequel, all bets are off.

Tortilla Chips and Milk Hall of Fame Showdown!

2007-07-03T22:34:00.001-07:00

Aight suckas I was checking out some upcoming DVD releases and I saw two must haves for the TC and M collection. Both Monster Squad and Robocop are releasing 20th anniversary special editions. Yeah, I know, "Holy Shit!" Both of these movies have two awesome lines that have yet to be canonized into the TC and M Hall of Fame. Since we'll be celebrating our nation's independence, I figured we'd be democratic about this. So I present to you our first TC and M Hall of Fame showdown.

"Wolfman's got Nards" vs "Bitches leave"

Contender #1

"Wolfman's got nards" - The Monster Squad
Pros: Is there any quicker way to comedy gold than this equation: Wolfman+Kick to the Jimmy? The definitive line of this movie. Even if peeps haven't seen this movie they know the line. You relive the scene every time you hear this line.
Cons: It was a flippin kids movie. The line itself doesn't have that much utility in common conversation.
Best usage of line in everyday life: Someone in your present company gets hit in the nards. Said while the guy is reeling in pain.

Contender #2

"Bitches leave" - Robocop
Pros: Simplicity and delivery. The fact that it's delivered by the future Red Forman in a huge plus.
Cons: If you get the delivery right people get it immediately. If you get the delivery wrong, you're a rude motherfucker. Some people would think that "I'd buy that for a dollar" is the definitive Robocop line. They may be suckas but they do exist.
Best usage of the line in everyday life: There are bitches in your present company and you want them to leave.

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Songs You Should Know: Lean Like a Cholo - Down

2007-06-20T14:01:00.000-07:00

Aight suckas, I don't know if this song went national or not but if you have a local hip-hop y mas station you've heard this friggin song eight times a day for the last two months.

Seriously yo, I can't help but be laughin now when I see some ese get down like this in the club. It's this summer's rockaway, but instead of leaning back it's elbows out side to side. As for the video its good. Real good. Good and terrible. I do like how they have the obligatory "look even white guys can do this dance" scene. Enjoy.

The Rant: Knocked Up

2007-06-06T13:35:00.000-07:00

There are certain eras where a filmmaker puts out movies that cross over exactly into what I want out of movies at that specific time. There’s the Kevin Smith era, the Cameron Crowe era, the Quentin Tarantino era, the Richard Linklater era…After Talladega Nights, The 40 Year Old Virgin, and now, Knocked Up, I think TC and M is heading into the Judd Apatow era.

So, I caught Knocked Up over the weekend with medium sized expectations. When the leads are hot, but annoying Izzie from shitty Grey’s Anatomy and one half of the “You wanna know how I know you’re gay?” guys from 40 Year Old, you can’t help but be a little leery. All fears were set aside as soon as I heard “Shimmy Shimmy Ya” by Ol’ Dirty Bastard over the opening credits. As usual this isn’t an actual review, just some observations, and it this case it’s actually a celebration, bitches!

Paul Rudd and Seth Rogan need to be in every movie. All of them. I don’t care if their in the corner throwing lines like “You look like Babe Ruth’s brother, GAYbe Ruth”. Just having them on-screen talking shit gives a movie a plus for authenticity.

As a sucker for relationship movies, “Knocked Up” is one of the more genuine depictions of a relationship I’ve ever seen. The four main characters are all loveable, contempt worthy, compassionate, and self destructive all at the same time. The great thing is that “Knocked Up” gives the characters the time to let them earn it. The movie doesn’t make judgments either. It just lays the situation out there and let’s you confront your own views of relationships to make a decision. You don’t feel a certain way just because they tell you to. Compare this to the atrocious Last Kiss I saw last year.
There are a lot of “OMG this is my life” scenes in “Knocked Up”. Two in particular stood out.

There’s a bit where Leslie Mann’s character is telling Heigl how to deal with a man in a relationship. It involved continually pointing out the man’s shortcomings to the point he feels so bad about himself he has to change. It was like she was reading from the handbook of “Women who have dated Paj”. Needless to say I quivered out of anger in that sequence.

The second scene involved Leslie Mann trailing Paul Rudd thinking he’s having an affair, only to find out he’s been lying to sneak away for a Rotisserie Baseball draft. Now this happened to me TWICE! Not exactly how it happened in the movie, but on two separate occasions and two separate girlfriends I was busted trying to fly to my Fantasy Football draft and not telling them. Both times it led me to not going. It directly led to my being dumped the last time it happened. It’s awesome decision making on my part that can explain why my football team is stuck being named after a homosexual Japanese singing group for yet another year. Well on the bright side, I have a career winning percentage of 37%.

“Oooh Baby I like it Raw” - Anyone that hears me speak in a non-professional setting knows that I have a pretty fuckin’ bad potty mouth. Well after watching the fuckin’ movie I feel like I’m mutherfuckin’ not so fuckin’ bad after all. Really, the dialogue is fuckin fuckin every other fuckin word at times. Thanks for fuckin keepin it fuckin real, yo!

The bit players in “Knocked Up” have some great scene stealing moments. Kristen Wiig from SNL is great as a passive aggressive corporate monkey. B.J. Novak has a great moment of inappropriate smooth. Some guy does a Jabba the Hutt impersonation that the person two rows in front of me is still laughing about as we speak. Still the best cameo is by Craig Robinson aka Darryl from The Office. His doorman scene was the shizzle. There aren’t many actors who can pull off consoling someone by telling them “if I could I’d take you home and turn that old ass out” or something to that effect. One of my favorite scenes in the movie. Dinkum Flicka, yo!

I know there are other reasons for this, but the fact that Katherine Heigl’s bra stayed on even during the sex scenes actually helped the movie. As in, subconsciously there’s still a level of acceptance that hasn’t been reached yet and, hopefully, as the relationship evolves, someday Seth Rogan will get to have sex with her AND see her naked boobies.

Oh yeah, there’s a crowning shot. Wait no there’s actually two. It’s like the Franks and Beans scene from There’s Something About Mary for women.
Really, yo. See this movie. I’ll be busy putting this on the TC and M Mt. Rushmore.

Lost: Greatest Hits

2007-05-30T20:14:00.000-07:00

Sorry for the RL interruption, I know you've been eagerly awaiting ...

Been kinda interested ...

Been bored and wanted something new to read.

Anyway, sorta flashback opening. Someone (we can't see who) gets in an outrigger canoe and paddles fast. Uhh, OK?

Hey look -- it's a nature hike! Super Jack is leading Charlie, Hurley, Claire, Juliet, Sun, Jin, Sayid, Kate, Sawyer and Desmond into a meadow, and nobody has a bloody clue as to why.

Charlie complains about how there's too much secret stuff on the Island, and I've gotta agree with the little stoner. Hurley brings up Parachute Chick, but Charlie says hiding her was different -- they weren't playing football with the enemy.

Desmond stops and stares. He's either having a vision, or he needs a potty break.

Charlie asks about the pained staring, but Desmond isn't talking.

They stop in the middle of *nowhere* and Jack announces that they're "here." He then grandly announces what everybody already knows -- Ben sent Juliet to the beach to find out which of the women were preggers.

Kate, who seems to be 10 minutes behind lately, chooses *now* to get upset. Shut up!

Juliet says the Others are coming for the women tomorrow, and oh -- sorry for lying to you, Sun. Juliet's a wench.

Sayid points out that Jack's honestly is about an episode too late, but Super Jack will not be upstaged! He calls out to Danielle, and Rousseau steps out of the trees holding some wires. Then she blows up a big f'ing tree.

Hey! No one gets to blow shit up on his Island but Locke!

Jack says that when he heard the Others were coming, he wondered where the Lostaways could hide this time. But there's no place to hide -- it's the Others' Island, after all -- so he wants to fight. He's going to load the marked tents with most of the sweaty dynamite from the Black Rock, and then blow them up in a big, showy, mostly useless explosion that will look super on a season finale, but be easy to explain how pretty much everybody lives through it.

Flashback!

Two guys are sitting in a van listening to the radio, and Charlie and his brother Liam are trying to change a tire in a downpour. Guess they lost the coin toss.

Charlie wants to chuck it all and go home, but that's kinda hard when you still need to change the tire, doofus.

Liam argues they've got to get to the gig, they've got fans, they're headlining, yadda yadda, and Charlie says they're a joke, no one's buying the album, and sod off!

One of the guys sticks his head out into the rain, and tells them both to shut it -- their song is on the radio! He cranks it, and sure enough it's that same damn Driveshaft song they've been playing for three seasons (Ya'll Everybody? You Are Everybody?)

Liam and Charlie do a happy dance -- they're on the radio, and they're gonna be rock stars.

On a piece of paper, Charlie writes, "#5 The first time I heard myself on the radio."

Parachute Chick wanders by, and asks him about the Others. He says it's a long story, and to ask something else.

"Are you having a laugh," Naomi says, and all of a sudden I'm having flashbacks to this season of "Extras."

Charlie ends up telling her he was in Driveshaft, because he's gotta tell *everybody* at some point.

Naomi tells Charlie's he's the "dead rock star." They made a big deal of it when the plane wreckage was found -- big memorial service, greatest hits release -- the whole deal. But, she says, the good thing is he's not really dead, right?

Charlie smiles, but then he sees Desmond and gets that "soon to be doomed" look on his face again.

Jack and Juliet are working on rigging the bombs, but Rousseau points out they're gonna need a lot more wire or someone's getting their nose blown off. Jack says he'll get some of the Lostaways to strip the airplane wreckage.

Sayid wants to talk about Naomi's satellite phone, but Jack's not interested in any plan that's not his -- he's Super Jack!

They pee on each other's shoes for a minute, and finally Sayid gets to explain that Rousseau's rescue beacon is blocking the phone's signal -- if she'll tell him where the transmitter is, he'll turn it off and then phone the ship.

Juliet says that won't work -- Ben's blocking all the outgoing signals from an underwater Dharma station -- the Looking Glass. She doesn't know where it is, other than it's under the sea with the mermaids and the singing crabs.

But Sayid thinks he knows.

Charlie plays with Aaron, as Claire fusses over whether the Others are out to kidnap the baby again. Charlie vows to protect them both.

Desmond interrupts this happy family scene to ask Charlie to help him with "something," and they walk down the beach.

Desmond did have a vision, and a potty break, so now he's ready to tell Charlie about the vision. He saw Claire and Aaron get into a helicopter and fly away -- they get rescued.

Charlie's all sorts of happy -- he thought Desmond was gonna tell him he was gonna die again!

Oops -- there's the catch. For Claire and Aaron to get rescued, Charlie's got to shuffle off the mortal coil.

Flashback!

Kid Charlie's standing on the side of a pool, afraid to jump in. His father keeps urging him to do it, promising that he'll catch him. Liam paddles by and says Dad won't catch him, and Dad tells him to shut it.

Charlie takes some tentative steps toward the pool, takes a deep breath, and then jumps in. Under water he panics a bit, but his father grabs him and lifts him. They have a happy father-son bonding moment.

Under what he wrote before, Charlie writes, "#4 Dad teaching me to swim at Butlins."

Desmond asks about his list, and Charlie shoves it in his pocket. He tells Desmond he wants to know how he dies.

Desmond says he's inside a hatch, in a room full of equipment. There's a switch with a yellow blinking light. Charlie flips the switch, the light goes off, and then ... Charlie drowns.

Lesson here -- avoid switches and blinking yellow lights near bodies of water!

Charlie asks if Desmond is sure Claire and Aaron will get rescued, if he flips the switch. Desmond says yes, and Charlie says it's time to find the switch.

Sayid, who took all sorts of goodies out of Patchy's house, shows Jack and Juliet a diagram of the Looking Glass. Juliet says no one she knows has been down there -- Ben told everyone there was an accident and it's flooded.

Jack asks how the jamming equipment is still working, and Sayid says that's irrelevant -- it is working, and they've got to get it to stop. I am so loving Sayid's attitude these days.

Sayid says the Looking Glass is attached to the Island by a cable -- the same one he found on the beach. Follow the cable, find the station. Swim down, go through the hatch where the submarine docked, find the switch and flip it.

Getting back -- yeah, that's a little trickier.

Jack says he won't let Sayid go on a suicide mission. Charlie and Desmond walk up, and Charlie says he'll do it -- flip a switch underwater? Hells yeah! He even says he was British junior swimming champion and can hold his breath for four minutes.

Jack says no -- he wants to focus on blowing up Others. Sayid and Charlie argue, but Jack says he's wearing the bossy pants, and he gets to make the decisions.

Please, please, can we vote this asshat off the Island?

Rose and Bernard tie knots in wire. I'm convinced they're here just to dissuade bloggers like me who've cracked on the producers for forgetting them. Look! Not forgotten!

Jin asks Sun when he's going to tell him what's up -- he heard their names on Juliet's tape, saw the concerned faces -- what's the deal? Is the baby OK?

Sun says that Juliet took her to a medical station, and that she saw the baby on the ultrasound. And that it's healthy. She does *not* mention the "btw I'm doomed to die before the birth" part. They hug. Awwww.

Hurley spots someone paddling toward the beach. Hey -- it's the dude in the canoe! He comes ashore, runs towards the Lostaways, and promptly gets tackled and beatdown by Sayid, because Sayid is *all* about the beatdowns these days.

Sawyer pulls Sayid off ... hey -- hiya Karl! We haven't see you in ages! You been hanging with Rose and Bernard in the extras' lounge?

Karl, aka Paul Revere Jr., tells the Lostaways that the Others are coming. Sorry Junior -- they already know that. But do they know that the Others are coming now?

Six hours ago ...

Alex confronts Ben when he comes back to Camp Othersville alone. He doesn't want to talk to her, but he does give back the gun she gave to Locke.

Ben tells Eyeliner Boy that Jacob wants them to attack the Lostaways five minutes ago. Eyeliner Boy wants to know where Locke is, and Ben says he had an "accident."

Ben calls over some dude named Ryan, and tells him to take ten guys and attack the beach. If Juliet hasn't marked the tents, then take all the women. And if anyone gets in their way -- kill 'em.

Ben's tasted blood and he wants more ... more ... more ... MORE!

Alex gets emo and runs into the jungle to find Karl, who's apparently been hiding out all this time, and tells him to take the canoe and go warn the Lostaways -- Sawyer and Kate saved Karl's life, so they owe them a favor.

Karl protests that Ben will kill him if he catches him this time. "Is he my father?" Alex asks. She gives him the gun and a kiss and sends him on his way.

Super Jack's not sure whether or not to trust Karl, but Karl, ever the bringer of almost useful knowledge, points out that Juliet's a spy, and Jack's trusting her.

Sun wants to hide. Bernard wants to know where -- it's the Others' Island, after all -- they're gonna find the Lostaways sooner or later.

Rousseau doesn't have enough wire to blow the dynamite. Sayid suggests shooting, but Jack says they don't have enough guns.

Not the Others, you idiot -- shoot the tents. That old, sweaty dynamite is already unstable -- shoot it and it'll blow. Karl offers up his gun, and Rousseau says she'll be one of the shooters.

Super Jack overrules her, taking her gun, but saying that Rousseau is gonna lead the Lostaways up to her radio tower and disable her rescue broadcast. Because you really need like 30 people to do that.

Jack says that everything has to happen at the same time, because it's gonna be the season finale damnit -- we need action! So the Lostaways will go to the radio tower, three people will shoot the tents, and Charlie's going for a swim.

Desmond volunteers to go with Charlie, and they give one another "DOOM!" looks.

Flashback!

Charlie's asleep in a bed with two babes, proving that even geeky rock stars get laid.

Liam wakes him up, comments on the babes, and says that since they're in Finland, and it's Christmas, and Charlie's the only drug-free rocker in the world, he's got a present for him. Then Liam takes off a big, heavy ring with "DS" on it and gives it to him.

Charlie protests -- Ma gave that to Liam! And it's been in the family for three generations.

"And it's a family heirloom and that's why we named the band after Dexter bloody Stratton, I know," Liam says. "But, Charlie, let's be honest. We both know that I'm a sodding mess. But you, you're going to get married, have a family, a baby. I'll be lucky if I hit 30. The ring has to stay in the family, Charlie. So please, take it. Mom would want it this way. Pass it on to your little one someday. I need to know it's safe."

Charlie agrees to keep it safe, but says he's just holding it for Liam.

On his paper, Charlie writes, "#3 The Christmas Liam gave me the ring."

He goes over and asks Claire if she needs any help. She pouts because Charlie didn't tell her he'd volunteered to swim to the Looking Glass -- it might be dangerous.

Charlie says it has to be done so they can be rescued. Then he makes Claire promise she won't worry about him while he's gone.

Charlie smooches Aaron and tells him he loves him, and then puts him back into his crib. He kisses Claire and says he'll see her soon.

Flashback!

Charlie's singing in London, and it's the same song (Wonderwall) that he was singing in Desmond's flashbacks. It starts to rain, and he packs up his guitar and walks away.

Walking past an alley, he hears a woman call for help. She's being mugged, and Charlie runs down the alley and wallops the guy with his guitar case. The mugger runs.

He gives the purse back to ... Nadia! Sayid's Nadia! Is everyone in this crazy show connected?

Charlie makes some crack about having a heart attack, and Nadia tells him he's a hero. He protests that he did what anyone would do, and she says three other people passed by and did nothing. He's a hero.

Charlie writes on his paper, "#2 Woman outside Covent Garden calls me a hero."

Desmond's making Charlie a weight belt, to help him descend faster. He asks Charlie how long he can really hold his breath.

"Does it matter?" Charlie says.

Bernard's shooting Dharma brand cans like he's Doc Holladay. Rose protests that this isn't pheasant hunting, but he says nothing will happen to him.

Rose says she'll stay with him, but Super Jack overrules her, because he's f'ing Super Jack and he can tell a group of adults what to do!

Rose argues, and Jack says that if they don't kill the Others, it's not gonna matter where Bernard is.

"I like you better since you got back, Jack," Rose says. "You're almost an optimist." See why I like her? She takes Bernard to find appropriate clothes for hiding in the bushes.

Jack tells Sayid to get ready to leave, but Sayid says he ain't leaving -- Jack is. Jack's gonna lead the Lostaways to the tower, and Sayid's gonna shoot some dynamite.

Jack whines that he owes the Others a good explosion, and Sayid says that if he's going to be a leader, he can start acting like one. So what is he more with concerned with -- revenge or helping his people get rescued?

Charlie and Desmond are getting ready to leave, and Hurley wants to come too. He says he's tired of nature hikes and explosions, but he's a good paddler.

Charlie says he can't come, and when Hurley asks why, Charlie says he's too heavy -- he won't fit in the canoe.

Hurley's hurt, and he turns to leave. Stoopid hobbit! But then Charlie stops him and hugs him.

Hurley's all "I didn't want to go on your stupid boat anyway," but Charlie tells him he loves him. They don't kiss or nothin' -- they're hetrosexual life mates. Awwww.

Everyone gets ready to leave. Kate tries to flirt with Jack again, and gets cock blocked by Juliet. Jin's gonna stay to be the third shooter. Hurley offers to help Claire with Aaron, and as they walk away, we see Charlie's ring in Aaron's crib.

Desmond and Charlie find the cable and follow it into the ocean.

Flashback!

The night after the crash, Charlie sees a very preggers Claire, and offers her his blanket. They make small talk about plane crashes, and he assures her that they'll be rescued soon.

Charlie writes, "#1 The night I met you."

Charlie gives the paper to Desmond, telling him to give it to Claire -- "The five best moments of my sorry excuse for a life. Greatest hits. Memories. They're all I've got."

Desmond offers to swim to the Looking Glass in his place. He says that maybe he keeps seeing Charlie die because he's supposed to take his place.

Charlie asks about Penny, and Desmond says Charlie's got to think about Claire. He gives him the paper back and gets ready to dive in.

Charlie konks Desmond on the head with an oar, knocking him out. He puts the paper back in Desmond's pocket, saying that they both know Desmond's not supposed to take his place.

Charlie jumps into the water, and damn it all, I'm actually shedding a few tears for our doomed, stoic hobbit. He does this scene very well.

Charlie lets the weight belt take him down, then drops it and struggles into the station. He swims upward ... and comes up in a room? With air?

Charlie does the "I'm alive!" dance. Then a door opens and two babes enter with guns. They don't look happy.

A TC&M moment

2007-05-23T15:15:00.000-07:00

So I'm doing the editor thing at work last night, counting down the minutes until deadline and when I can slack, and I get a bunch of pictures of Fergie, who was singing to a bunch of pre-teens at a cell phone store in suburbia.

So I start writing the photo captions like a good little person ...

And do you know how HARD it was not to call her Pee Pants?

I love this blog.

Lost: The Man Behind the Curtain

2007-05-16T20:48:00.000-07:00

Boy howdy! There is *a lot* going on in this episode!

I'm gonna start out by giving a shout out to the good peeps at Lost Easter Eggs, who are gonna help me illustrate a few points.

So get ready, and try to keep up. Lost is hot again.

Flashback opening!

A man and a woman are in the woods, and the woman's giving birth -- in a turtleneck sweater that seems to be a terrible choice for labor pains. She -- Emily -- keeps saying something is wrong, but her husband, Roger, keeps telling her to push and that she can do it.

It's a boy! Emily's crying because of the pain and she's bleeding -- a bunch. Roger shows the Bloody Palm of Doom.

He says no one knows they're out there, and he's got to carry her to get help. He puts the baby in her arms and runs a suspiciously short distance to a busy highway. A sign tells us we're 32 miles outside of Portland.

A kickin' red convertible with a man and a woman in it stops to help. Hey -- that's Samantha Mathis! They start bundling Emily into the backseat, and that's gonna be hell on the upholstery.

Roger says that they went hiking and Emily went into labor and she wasn't due yet. Dude -- you took your eight-months pregnant wife HIKING? In a turtleneck?

Emily tells Roger to name the baby Benjamin, and she dies.

Couple of points: Ben lied? Shocker! He said he was born on the Island, and he was born in Oregon! And wasn't Locke's mother named Emily too? Curious ...

On the Island, Ben's in his tent, looking at a wooden doll. Richard Alpert enters, and apparently he's located the gigantic stash of Dharma-brand eyeliner, because damn!

Eyeliner boy asks Ben about his dolly, and Ben says it's a birthday present -- today's his birthday. He asks Richard if he still remembers birthdays, because he obviously forgot Ben's Hallmark card!

Richard wants to know if he's supposed to take the tape recorder back to Juliet, and Ben has to whip off his freaky round glasses in order to hear better. He thought that Richard took the tape recorder back yesterday!

Tape recorder, tape recorder -- who's got the tape recorder? Oh yeah -- Locke!

Ben hobbles out of his tent to look for Zeke, who doesn't have the tape recorder either. But Zeke's a little busy at the moment -- he's staring slack-jawed at Locke, who's just walked into Camp Othersville carrying the corpse of his kidney-stealin' daddy.

Locke drops the body on Ben's foot and says that Ben said if he killed KSD Ben would tell him all the secrets of the Island. Now KSD is dead, and Locke wants Ben to start spilling his guts.

Ben pours Locke a drink, but Locke ain't interested in Dharma-brand bottled water.

Ben tells Locke that the Island's secrets are complicated -- there's no big book o' knowledge. And Ben answers to Jacob, who is the leader of the Others.

Locke wants to go see Jacob -- Ben says no. Locke says he'll find someone else to take him -- maybe Eyeliner Boy is free. Ben says that no one talks to Jacob but him, and no one else knows where he is.

"How convenient," Locke says. "You know what I think, Ben? I think there is no Jacob. I think your people are idiots if they believe you take orders from someone else. You are the man behind the curtain, the Wizard of Oz. And you're a liar."

Gee, ya think?

Ben tries to argue, but Locke says if it all were real, Ben's hands wouldn't be shaking.

Flashback!

Ben's a freaky little kid with floppy hair and round glasses -- Harry Potter hopped up on Evil. He and his dad disembark from the submarine and walk down a dock with lots of Dharma boxes and blue Dharma VW buses. People greet them by saying "Namaste" -- it could be a hippy budget vacation.

They come upon the man in the convertible -- Horace Goodspeed. Roger tells Ben that Horace was there when he was born and now he's doing them a big favor -- he's given Roger a job.

Horace smiles blandly and tells them they're gonna love it here.

Later, Ben and his dad stand in a room with other people, watching a television set. The orientation video doctor, Marvin Candle, is standing in front of Othersville. Marvin says, "For your own safety, we ask that you stay within the confines of your living quarters. Our barracks are surrounded by a high frequency sonar fence to protect us from the Island's abundant and diverse wildlife. You are now a member of the Dharma Initiative ..."

(BTW -- the video features two guys who got off the boat with them and were looking around like the place was new to them. So how did they get in the video, which was shot on the Island?)

Roger wants to know what kind of wildlife they need to be protected from.

They head over to a table marked "assignments."

Marvin says, "There are properties on this island that exist nowhere else on earth. Our mission is to study these properties for the betterment of mankind and advancement in the world."

Ben watches people getting shots. Does the kid ever blink?

A girl comes over, offers Ben a candy bar, and introduces herself as Annie. Awww -- freak boy made a friend!

"Work man!" Roger says. "What is this? Work man? I'm a janitor?"

Wait a tick ... Roger Work Man? From Dharma? The skeleton Hurley pulled out of his love van was Ben's daddy??? Dude!

Sawyer hides in the bushes outside camp until Sayid wanders by. They play a rousing round of "WTH is Locke," and then Sawyer plays the tape for Sayid.

Patchy runs into Camp Othersville, shouting for Ben. Hey -- Ben thought he was dead too!

Patchy's kinda confused as to why Locke's there, since Locke was the guy who tried to fry him. But he tells Ben about Parachute Chick, and says they've got to go "deal with it" now. Ben says they'll be at the beach in a couple of days -- Parachute Chick can wait until then.

Locke pipes up and says Ben can't go hunting for Parachute Chick -- he's taking Locke to see Jacob. Everyone stares at Locke like he'd just suggested a baby sacrifice and barbeque.

Ben says he's busy, and can't play with Locke today. When Patchy interrupts to asks again why Locke's part of the converstation, Locke jumps up and kicks his ass. This is another brutal, nasty beatdown -- Lost is getting to be a really bloody show.

Ben calls for Eyeliner Boy and Zeke to stop Locke, but they just stand and watch him pound Patchy into the ground. When Patchy's unconscious and bloody, Locke stands up, smiles, and asks Ben when he wants to leave.

Ben and Locke fill their canteens, and Ben says Locke didn't need to pound Patchy to make a point. Aw, c'mon -- it's so much fun!

Hey -- it's Alex! Remember her? She tells Locke that if he's going to see Jacob, he's gonna need this, and hands him a pistol. Then she wishes her dad happy birthday and leaves. Kooky teenagers!

Flashback!

Baby Ben's in a Dharma-brand classroom learning about volcanoes. Annie asks if there was a volcanic eruption on the Island, and Samantha Mathis says yes, but that it was a long time ago.

There's a boom and then shaking and an alarm sounds. Samantha Mathis grabs a shotgun and tells Annie to lock the back door. The students all huddle under their desks, except for Ben, who is either too stupid or too evil to huddle.

Annie comes over and gets Ben, telling him the people running around outside the window are "just the Hostiles. It's OK."

Later, Ben's in his bed with his pet bunny. (Is it the same bunny he gassed to con Sawyer?) Horace and Roger are talking in the other room, and Ben decides to eavesdrop on him.

Roger says he was on his way back from The Flame when there was an explosion and people shooting at him. Not cool, man!

Horace says that Dharma is having some skirmishes with "the natives," but that they're not quite sure who they are. Roger pitches a beer can at him. He's quite the gentleman, that Roger Work Man!

Horace says Ben's getting a top-quality education, but Roger doesn't care. He wants 30 grand in hazard pay. And more beer. And he wants Horace out of his Dharma-brand house!

Ben hears tapping on his window, but doesn't see anyone there. He closes the door and turns to see his dead mommy, who is *not* wearing a turtleneck. He backs up and falls over a chair.

Roger comes in and tells him to go to bed.

Baby Ben looks back to the window. No one is there. He picks up a picture of his mother and father and a single tear falls down his evil cheek.

Sawyer and Sayid go looking for Juliet, but can't find her -- she took off with Jack after Kate opened her big fat mouth about Parachute Chick.

Sayid asks Kate why she can't keep *anything* quiet, and she babbles something about Jack having a right to know, but really, she was looking for a chance to suck up.

Kate says Sayid should tell everyone about Naomi. Sayid says Sawyer should play her the damn tape.

Ben and Locke get ready to go see Jacob, with the Others watching them like they're preparing to go into space.

Ben says Jacob is very, very real, and that he isn't going to like having visitors. In fact, he's gonna be hecka pissed. Ben says that's why his hands were shaking -- because Jacob isn't a guy you just drop in on -- he's a man who summons you.

"Well," Locke says. "I guess there is a first time for everything." He's got quite an attitude on him since KSD died! I like it!

Flashback!

Baby Ben and Annie sit on the swings, and Annie gives Ben a present -- two wooden dolls. That way they can always be together. Awww.

I have a feeling that we're going to find out next season that Annie died in some awful way -- hanging out with Ben isn't good for your health.

At home, Roger's passed out with a can of Dharma-brand beer in his hand. Poor widdle Baby Ben's got a bad home life!

Ben takes the beer can, but Roger wakes up when Ben takes off Roger's shoes. He sees the dolls.

"It's your birthday. Sorry I forgot." Roger takes a swig of his beer. "It's kind of hard to celebrate the day you killed your mom. She was just seven months pregnant. We went for a hike. But you had to come early. Now, she's gone and I'm stuck here on this island with you. Happy birthday, Ben."

So being an ass runs in the family?

Ben starts to cry and runs out of the house and through the jungle, stopping at the security pylons. There are whispers. On the other side of the fence he sees his dead mommy.

He starts to run to her, but she stops him. Dead Mommy tells Ben that it's not time yet, and then she turns and disappears into the jungle.

Ben and Locke cross a line of ash, which appears to be in a large circle, like a summoning or protection circle. Or maybe a warding circle? To keep something out, or keep something in?

The Lostaways all learn about Naomi -- and that they're supposed to be dead. But Sayid says that's not important now, and if Sayid says it, it must be so!

He says they hid Naomi to keep her safe, because she's their ticket off the Island. Who were they keeping her safe from? Jack -- Sayid says he's spent too much time with the Others, and can't be trusted. And Jack won't let Sayid torture Juliet for info, and it's driving Sayid crazy!

Sun says she thinks Jack and Juliet are okey-dokey, and Sawyer asks if that's because Juliet did her ultrasound. Then he plays the tape.

Jin says something in Korean. He does *not* sound happy.

Jack and Juliet wander up, just in time for their lynching. He and Sayid have a pissing contest, and then Juliet tells Sawyer to turn the tape over.

The recording says, "Juliet, it's Ben. I'm sending three teams to extract Kwon the day after tomorrow. We won't have time to run Austen's sample. So if you determine that she or anyone else is pregnant, mark their tents, and we'll take them too. Good luck."

Juliet says she told Jack what was what after doing Sun's ultrasound. Jack says he hadn't told anyone else, because he hadn't decided what they were gonna do yet.

Hey Super Jack -- who elected you king of the Island? STFU!

Jack tells Sayid they've got some catching up to do.

Flashback!

Baby Ben uses a code to disable the security pylons, and then heads into the jungle -- after using his bunny to test whether or not he's gonna get fried. I don't know whether that's smart, or just another sign of his evvviiilllness.

More whispers. Ben calls for his mother, but is startled when a man appears.

WTF? It's Eyeliner Boy, and not only is he dressed like an extra from Pirates of the Carribean, he doesn't look *a day* older than he does in the present! (Could he be from the Black Rock?)

Ben asks Richard if he's a hostile, and Richard asks him if he even knows what that word means. (Dharma can be considered to be hostile, trying to change the world to their vision rather than accepting its nature.)

Ben tells Richard he's looking for Dead Mommy. Richard tells Ben to go home, but Ben says he hates the Dharma-brand village and wants to go with Richard.

"Maybe that can happen. Maybe. If that's what you really want, Ben, if that's what you want. I want you to think about it. But you're going to have to be very, very patient."

Ben and Locke come upon some ruins. Ben says this is the place, and that Locke should turn off his flashlight -- Jacob hates technology as much as Locke does.

(This, I'm guessing, is either a clue or a red herring suggesting/denying that Jacob is actually a time-warped Locke, from either the future or an alternate reality.)

Ben lights a lantern, and Locke fondles his gun. Ben says once he opens this door, there's no going back. Locke says that's what he wants.

Ben calls out to Jacob, saying that he's there with Locke. There is a table and a chair. There are jars with red liquid by a window.

"Jacob," Ben says to the empty chair, "this is John." He looks at Locke, who stares back at him like he's nuts. "Aren't you going to say hello, John?"

(There is a *serious* Psycho vibe here, with the rocking chair and the tight shot of Ben's eye that implies that only Ben can see Jacob. Is Ben a Norman Bates-style split personality?)

Ben keeps talking to the chair, saying that he knew Locke wouldn't be able to see Jacob, but that he insisted on coming anyway. Such a killjoy.

"What is this?" Locke says.

"You wanted the secrets of the island, well here they are. This is the man who can answer every single ... " He looks at the chair. "I am not! He made me bring him here! Did you think that that was my .... Will you let me finish?"

Alfred Hitchcock wants twenty bucks.

Locke tells Ben he's crazy, and that he doesn't know anything about the Island -- he made it all up.

To the chair, Ben says, "Jacob, please, I can't hear him if you're going to talk ..."

Locke tells him to STFU, and quit putting on the crazy show. Ben says he's sorry Locke is too "limited" to see Jacob.

Locke walks to the door but hears a strange voice say, "Help me." That was way creepy, yo!

Locke asks Ben what he said, and Ben says he didn't say anything. "Oh yes you did," Locke says, and glares at him.

The door closes, things shake, a window breaks, the lantern falls on the floor and starts a fire. Ben grabs the chair and says, "That's enough, you've had your fun!" He's thrown backwards.

Locke looks at the chair and sees someone. He runs outside.

WTF?? Who in pie was that?

This is what he saw. Some people are saying it's Jack's Bad Daddy, but I have my doubts. Christian Shepard has a more pronounced slope in his nose. Could it be Locke himself?

He waits and Ben comes out and hangs the lantern back in its spot. There's no fire inside the cabin now, and the lantern is unbroken. Error or clue? Ben stumbles over to Locke, who asks him what that was.

Ben shakes his head. "That was Jacob."

In the morning, Locke and Ben are walking through the jungle, and Ben asks Locke what he heard Jacob say.

Locke says he didn't hear Jacob say anything -- Ben said something. Locke says he wasn't taken in by Ben's show, that Ben's a fraud and it's time the Others knew that. Oh, and this isn't the way they came!

I had a taxi driver do that to me a few weeks ago -- rotten bill padders.

Ben says he's taking Locke to see something before they go back, and Locke says he's seen enough from Ben.

Ben admits that some of the things he's said aren't true, including him not being born on the Island.

Locke asks where Ben came from, and Ben says that's what he wants to show him.

Flashback!

Young Ben puts on his Dharma uniform -- he's a Work Man too. He looks at the wooden doll, and then puts it in his bag.

He walks outside with a crate and says hello to Roger, who's loading Dharma-brand beer into a VW bus.

Roger wants to know why Ben's so chatty, and Ben says it's his birthday -- he doesn't know why he keeps fooling himself that Roger will ever remember.

Roger says they've got to make a quick run to The Pearl and then they'll go up to the Mesa and drink beer. Is that his version of father-son bonding?

On the Mesa, Roger cracks a cold one and comments on how beautiful the Island is. Ben asks him if he still thinks it's Ben's fault that Dead Mommy is dead.

Roger says he doesn't know, and wants to know why Ben keeps checking his watch. He says if it will make Ben feel better, he'll try to remember his birthday next year.

Ben says he doesn't think that's gonna happen, and unzips his pack. "You know, I've missed her too, maybe as much as you have. But the difference is, that for as long as I can remember, I've had to put up with you. And doing that required a tremendous amount of patience. Goodbye, Dad."

Ben puts on a gas mask and opens a tube of gas, and then *sits* there as his father struggles and dies, blood spurting out of his nose. Gross!

Oh, and Ben's a hecka cold-hearted bastard.

Ben goes back to the Dharma village and there are dead Dharmaites laying all over the place, Jonestown style. He closes Horace's eyes.

A bunch of other people in ragged clothes and gas masks come in, and one of them takes of his mask. It's Eyeliner Boy, and he asks Ben if he wants them to get the body.

Ben tells them to leave Roger out there, and the rest of the men start dragging the bodies away.

Ben and Locke look into a mass grave full of Dharma-brand skeletons.

"This is where I came from," Ben says. "These are my people. The Dharma Initiative. They came here seeking harmony. But they couldn't even co-exist with the Island's inhabitants. When it became clear that one side had to go, one side had to be purged, I did what I had to do. I was one of the people who was smart enough to make sure I didn't end up in that ditch. Which makes me considerably smarter than you, John."

Locke pulls his pistol, but Ben's quicker on the draw and shoots him in the tummy. Locke falls into the grave.

Ben asks Locke what Jacob said, but Locke's all "WTF? You *shot* me!"

Ben says he shot Locke because he heard Jacob. Now he needs to know what he said.

"Help me."

He points the gun down at Locke. "John, now I'm not going to ask you again. What did he say to you?"

"He said, 'Help me.'"

Ben lowers the gun. "Well, I certainly hope he helps you, John." Ben walks away.

(Oh, and Locke is so not dead -- the Island will save him. Because really without Locke, there is no Lost. But dang! So much for Ben's "we're the good guys.")

Survivor: Fiji Reunion

2007-05-14T21:25:00.000-07:00

It was a great season with a twist in the last episode that will go down in Survivor history, as well as one of the most angry juries in years.

Now it's time for the reunion, otherwise known as "Jeff Probst's shocking and disturbing obsession with guys who act like assholes."

Sorry I don't have any photos -- I'll scrounge around the Internet and see if I can dig any up.

Series of clips of Earl talking about how he's gonna keep his friends close and his enemies closer, and him chopping a snake in half on Exile Island.

He's a good winner -- I am content.

Probst says Earl never had his name written down until it mattered -- and then he got every vote! Not bad for a guy who never won Immunity and didn't even know he was going to be on the show until two days before filming started.

Earl said he hadn't even seen much of the show beforehand -- just the first season. But he learned as he went.

Earl and Yau-Man formed their friendship/alliance on the first day. They were supposed to go all the way together, but the strategy changed and at the Final Five, it was every man for himself.

Yau-Man says that they were stuck together on Ravu, and Earl had the best morals and work ethic, so that made him trust him. They're still best buds. Awwww.

Earl says his key moment to win, unfortunately, was voting out Yau-Man. He says he was shocked by Dreamz's decision, and that he'd already started planning what to say in a showdown with Yau-Man. He says that when Dreamz backed out of the truck deal, he thought "Wow, I just won a million dollars."

What if Dreamz hadn't betrayed him, and Yau-Man had been in the final? At least six jurors (Boo, Lisi, Rocky, Mookie, Alex and Stacy) say they would have voted for him. Ouch -- Yau-Man lost a million bucks, and Dreamz screwed him even though he never had a chance.

So Dreamz screwed Yau-Man, screwed himself, and gave Earl a million dollars. Dreamz jokes that he's a good guy, and I have an urge to hunt him down and kill him slowly.

Commercial break, and a Dreamz montage.

Time for the Dreamz segment. I consider turning the channel, because every time he speaks I want him dead. For the good of humanity, of course.

Probst asks how his homeless upbringing affected his gameplay, and Dreamz says that the conditions didn't bother him, but falling "in and out of humanity" did -- making friends vs. playing the game.

Sorry Dreamz -- I've seen some of the day after interviews. You didn't make any friends. In fact, the usually-friendly crowd is booing your betraying ass, so you may not have any friends for a long, long time.

OK, this is a long, mostly incoherent and annoying segment that I'm not going to recap fully. Probst cannot get Dreamz to answer a straight question. He may be incapable of answering a straight question. I watched a couple of minutes of the show three times, and I still don't have a clue of what he was trying to say.

This is the interview from hell, and we're stuck there too.

Suffice it to say Dreamz thinks he's some sort of freakin' genius. And he had a great plan. Or he didn't.

My head hurts. I may need therapy to overcome my urge to kill this guy.

Cassandra, for some unknown reason, backs Dreamz up and says he was playing the part of a complete idiot, and that he's actually smart and had some social skills. I don't know how much he paid her to look that dumb on national television -- maybe he gave her his truck.

We get some clips reminding us how the truck deal went down, including the "I promise to God" and how Dreamz is "a man of his word." The live studio audience is *not* sounding so friendly at this point.

Lots of Boooos! at the cutback and Boo jokingly waves to the crowd. Probst gives Dreamz *another* chance to own up and admit changing his mind, and instead, we get more non-answer babble. I hate Dreamz so much flames are shooting from my head.

Probst pushes, and Dreamz finally says that when he made the deal, he had no intention of keeping it. He's so full of it. Then he mugs for the camera and shouts "we're all friends, right?" The audience makes it clear that Dreamz is no friend to them.

Probst asks if he had any second thoughts about giving the truck back, and Dreamz says that a few crept in, but then he went back into game mode. He blows.

Probst says that Dreamz's charm too him a long way, because no matter how many people he backstabbed, he still remained likable. Whatever. Jeff has a weird thing for alpha males -- he was totally crushing on Ozzy last season.

Cut back to Earl. When Yau-Man was asking Earl and Cassandra if Dreamz would keep his word, and they assured him that Dreamz would, did he really think that? Earl says he totally thought Dreamz would keep his word.

Back to Dreamz -- did he tell his son that it's only a game? Yes. So lying, cheating and stealing are okey-dokey if it's a game? Remind me never to play Chutes and Ladders with that kid.

Yau-Man montage! Yau-Man says he thought Dreamz would keep his word right up until Jeff asked him what he was going to do with the Immunity necklace.

Yau-Man is very kind, saying that Dreamz is basically a smart guy who's very undisciplined, and that he hopes Dreamz gets some education and can make use of it. It's a lot nicer than anything I would have said.

Yau-Man says he didn't try to convince Dreamz to keep his word because his stubborn streak convinced him that Dreamz would. But he got burned. He says he gets recognized a lot and that the attention is fun.

Rocky montage! Ugh.

Surprisingly, Rocky doesn't irritate me as much as he did on the show. It may be that the ire of Dreamz's presence makes him seem like an OK guy, but he didn't make me throw anything at my TV this time.

Rocky says people stop him and take his picture, and that he'd describe his Survivor experience as "pretty rough, he got to meet Jeff Probst, and all in all a good time."

Clips of Rocky being an ass to Anthony.

Anthony says the showdowns with Rocky were hard to watch, but Rocky was hungry and crazy and Anthony didn't want to force a confrontation. He says he's now better equipped to deal with the lawyers at his job.

Probst tries the "tough love" bit again, and seriously Jeff -- STFU. I realize that bad boys make you tingle in a special place, but verbal abuse is not in someone's best interest.

Probst jokes about Alex's cross-examination of Cassandra, then asks why he trusted Dreamz, giving Alex the chance to babble something about working with the people you're stuck with -- it was Dreamz or Lisi, and Lisi wanted to go home.

OK, that's a great opening to ask Lisi if she's back on her meds after her psycho performance at the Final Jury, or if her shoes are ugly, or even why she was a whiny, annoying quitter. But no -- Jeff tosses her a gimmie question about "wearing her emotions on her sleeve."

If all Probst is gonna do is toss softballs and suck up to the jocks, can we get someone else to host these reunions, please? *Not* Rosie O'Donnell.

Boo tore his ACL. Ouch! He says he might use some of his Survivor money to get it fixed, but maybe not.

Michelle gets lauded for making fire without assistance. She says age doesn't matter -- have the right attitude and a goal. She's still as cute as Muppet, and cleans up very nicely.

Edgardo missed his family. Gary got a *huge* Survivor tattoo on his arm. Fire ants hurt.

Mookie says something, but I don't care. Stacy turned everyone hating her into a positive. Liliana gained 20 pounds before going on the show, but then got booted pre-merge, and had to go on a diet. Rita's kids are proud. Sylvia designed a house that will be on HGTV. Erica, who left her massive 'fro at home, was frustrated she didn't get to play longer. Jessica says she made friends in Loser Lodge.

Survivor's going to China next season! Woo-hoo! It'll be a nice break from tropical islands, and I wanna see a panda. I also want to see a tiger eat someone.

As the show signs off, Earl wishes his mother a happy Mommie's Day, and says he's giving her half the money! Gee -- I got my mom some plants.

See ya next season! Give me a shout if you want to see recaps of Pirate Master -- I'm going to watch the first episode and see if I like it.

Survivor: You've Got a Puzzled Look

2007-05-14T15:47:00.000-07:00

OK, I've got three hours of Survivor to recap and a Lost episode that was so detailed that I had to take notes. I'm going to try to crank everything out in the next few days -- offerings of money and chocolate would be appreciated.

Back from Tribal, Yau-Man is happy to still be in the game, but having to play the Hidden Immunity Idol to save his butt has obviously affected him, and he tells Cassandra it was "brutal."

Earl tells him that it might have been a move to flush out the HII. But Yau-Man's still worried, and says that if he doesn't win the next Immunity he might have to "borrow" Earl's HII. Earl hedges, saying he might be a target too, now that the others know he doesn't trust them.

Earl says it's time to protect himself now, as the once-mighty Syndicate cannibalizes itself.

The next morning, Cassandra's worried because she just screwed her main alliance to no real benefit. Yau-Man's worried too, and says he has to win Immunity to stay alive.

Earl goes to Cassandra and just wants to know what's up. He says he doesn't care if they take out Yau-Man -- he's all about strategy and wants to know what's going down. He says he wouldn't have told Yau-Man about the effort to get rid of him, but he wouldn't have voted for it, either.

I don't know if Earl's telling the truth here, or is playing a good game to make Cassandra not see him as a target. It doesn't matter, because Cassandra doesn't buy it. She says that she can't see Earl cutting Yau-Man loose, so it's up to her, Dreamz and Boo to get rid of him while they still have the numbers advantage.

Immunity challenge time, and it's a big-ass maze -- almost as big as a football field. Oh, and did Jeff mention the blindfolds?

I'm impressed at how elaborate and difficult the producers have made the final challenges in the past few seasons -- tip of the hat to you!

The Survivors will make their way blindfolded through the big ass, five section maze. Each will be assigned a uniquely shaped medallion, negotiating the maze till they find a key station. They will feel for the shape that matches their medallion to retrieve their specific key. After making their way to the correct drawbridge they will use their key to unlock it, lower it and cross over to the next section of the maze. The first person to get all five keys and cross all five drawbridges wins Immunity and will be in the Final Four.

Boo finds his first key, followed by Yau-Man and Dreamz. Yau-Man gets to his drawbridge as Earl finds his key. Dreamz steps in the water, so he knows he's close, and Boo falls in with a splash. Hey -- it's Boo. Did you expect anything else?

Probst says each section is more complicated than the last. Nice!

Yau-Man has his second key. Boo and Dreamz slam into one another. Boo gets his second key, and Earl's still at the first drawbridge.

And just as I turn to my husband and say "Hey, what about Cassandra?" they show her. She's wandering aimlessly *outside* the danged maze. She's so far out of this challenge she could be at Loser Lodge.

She can't even blame her lack of physical skill for this one, because it's not a physical challenge. She just sucks.

Dreamz has his second key. Yau-Man's at the second drawbridge, and Boo's on his heels. Hey -- Cassandra found a key! Dreamz gets to the second drawbridge as Yau-Man gets his third key. Woo-hoo!

Dreamz gets his third key. Boo gets his third key. Earl and Cassandra are completely out of this challenge. Cassandra takes a header into the water. Sigh.

Boo crosses the third drawbridge. Yau-Man gets his fourth key, as does Dreamz. Yau-Man crosses the fourth drawbridge as Boo gets his fourth key. Then Boo hits the water. He and Dreamz get their drawbridges down at the same time.

Yau-Man finds his fifth key, and then hits a dead end and has to backtrack. He gets his drawbridge down and wins Immunity. Everybody dance!

Back at camp, Yau-Man tells Cassandra that Boo's the target. She agrees, but sounds kind of surprised -- maybe she thought she was on the block?

Yau-Man tells Boo he's one of the toughest competitors he's ever faced, and Boo finishes the sentence by saying "so that's why you're voting me out tonight." No hard feelings, Boo -- I still think you're a cutie.

Boo says he's seen the writing on the wall -- it's his time to go.

Dreamz is in paranoia mode again, asking Cassandra and Yau-Man who's gonna go. They say Boo, but he doesn't believe them.

But Boo isn't going out without a fight. He pulls Earl aside and reminds him that Yau-Man will be really hard to beat in a final. His best chance is to boot Dreamz tonight, denying Yau-Man his Immunity deal, and then have Boo win the next Immunity.

Earl appears to be considering the deal, and Cassandra says he's got a puzzled look. Earl says he's always puzzled. Earl says in confessional that he'd rather go up against Boo or Cassandra in the final jury, because Dreamz will get the sympathy vote and Yau-Man is chock full of awesome.

Boo targets Yau-Man next, saying that Yau-Man can win against anybody but Dreamz. Yau-Man thinks it's a good deal too, but says he needs another vote. He goes to Earl, and asks if Earl thinks Dreamz will live up to his end of the truck bargain. If he won't, it's best to get rid of him now.

At Tribal, Probst asks Dreamz who he's most worried about -- a physical threat or someone who's untrustworthy. Dreamz says someone who doesn't keep his word is worse. Gee ... would that be you? There are four Horse Boys who think so!

Dreamz says in a game for a million bucks, sometimes you have to go with your gut. Is that where he's keeping his brain these days?

Earl is asked if it's coming down to the most deserving or who you can beat. Earl is honest and says that trust goes a long way, but even if someone's a good friend, if you can't beat them you might choose someone else.

Boo says he's the only one who was scrambling for votes at camp, and suggests how dangerous Dreamz could be. He says he's a better choice to take to the finals than Dreamz or Yau-Man, and Earl doesn't look happy that Boo's just laid out his entire game strategy.

Dreamz argues that he tells people his life story over and over again to show how far someone can rise, not to garner sympathy. He doesn't want the sympathy vote. Boo says he didn't say Dreamz was trying to get the pity vote, just that he will.

Probst asks Dreamz if he's uncomfortable being called out as a threat to win, given that Yau-Man has Immunity. Dreamz says he's part of Yau-Man's final four strategy, and he expects to be in the game at least that long. Probst asks if Dreamz is kind of tossing the truck negotiations back at Yau-Man, and Dreamz admits he is, because if Yau-Man votes him out, he gave away the truck for nothing.

Boo's still arguing that it's better to boot Dreamz now. Dreamz says if Boo stays, he's gonna keep winning challenges. Boo counters that he doesn't have and friends on the jury, so he's promised Earl and Yau-Man that he's safe to take to Final Two. Wait a minute -- I may be a liberal arts major, but Boo + Yau-Man + Earl = Three.

Time to vote. Earl uses his HII, which hey -- it's the last time he can use it, so why not? And I guess Boo's math didn't add up with anyone else, either, because Boo -- the tribe has spoken.

Boo leaves, saying that Yau-Man will be tough to beat, although he thinks it would be funny if Dreamz welched on his deal.

The next day, Dreamz is sucking up to Yau-Man, saying that they respect one another, and they have the same morals and they'll be buddies for life -- just like Rush Hour!

Hey Dreamz -- I've seen Chris Tucker movies. Chris Tucker once walked past me in a hallway. And you sir, are no Chris Tucker!

Dreamz says he knew he was screwed by taking the truck, but that he wants to show that he's a man of his word, and that it's super-duper important that he win Immunity so he can do that. He also says he found out that it's a $60,000 truck, and Yau-Man jokes he wouldn't have been so quick to make the deal if he had known the sticker price.

Dreamz blathers on about how it's not a truck -- it's one man giving another man a chance. Shut up, Dreamz! If I had wanted to see sappy hug and cry time, I woulda watched Oprah.

Tree mail tells them to row their canoe to a spot where they will gather the torches of their tribemates, and then burn them before moving on to the Immunity challenge. I wonder if any of them have figured out that it's going to be a Final Three, and not a Final Two?

Survivor rundown time!

Jessica: There was someone on this show named Jessica?

Erica: First double boot -- Erica and her massive 'fro.

Sylvia: Yau-Man says he's sorry she had to go so soon. In voiceover, she says she tried to hide her leadership skills, but her tribe figured out she's a bossy s.o.b.

Gary: Poor Papa Smurf, done in by bug bites.

There are a lot of people falling on their faces in these video clips -- I hadn't realized this was Survivor: Fiji's Funniest Videos.

Liliana: Never had a chance.

Rita: Earl calls her one of the best moms in the world.

Anthony: Poor Black Male Cinderella -- at least you got away from the Horse Boys.

Rocky: Rocky voices over that "a straight shooter, like myself, probably doesn't have any business in this game." Gee, is that what you call those sexist, homophobic diatribes? You're still an asshat. Get off my television.

Lisi: You suck, Faceplant.

Michelle: Done in by cruel fate. Paj, are you dating her yet?

Edgardo: Dreamz says he never saw it coming. Way to twist the knife, jerk.

Mookie: Uh ... bye?

These are some quiet Survivors. Usually someone has *something* nice to say.

Alex: Dreamz says Alex is his "brother for life." Yeah -- I'll believe that one when I see it.

Stacy: Yau-Man pulls Stacy's torch, saying that she learned a lot about life and herself. Seeing that she was voted the person mostly likely to squander her Survivor experience, I think her stock rose in the end.

Boo: No one's got anything nice to say about Boo? Buncha haters.

At the Immunity challenge, Probst takes the necklace from Yau-Man, and Dreamz says "you'll get it back."

Jeff then reveals the how big the stakes are because this time, one person will become the ninth and final member of the jury. Three of the Final Four will go on to face the jury for the million bucks.

The Survivors will lie on their backs on an elevated plank at an angle holding onto a wooden handle. Making things more difficult, water will stream out of a barrel, making the plank slippery. Every five minutes, Jeff will increase the angle of the plank, making it steeper and harder to hang onto. When they can't hang on any longer, they'll let go and slide down the plank, landing in a pool of water. The last person hanging on wins Immunity.

This would be way harder than it looks, because you're supporting your entire body weight. It's going to kill your hands and arms.

They start at a 35 degree angle, and most of them look OK. Probst starts talking about the truck bargain again, saying that a million dollars is closer than they think.

Cassandra drops at 15 minutes, as the boards are being moved to 50 degrees. Earl's barely hanging on, and he drops when the boards are moved to 55 degrees.

Now, at this point, if I'm Yau-Man, I start talking to Dreamz, telling him to fufill his side of the bargain, drop and let me have Immunity. But he doesn't, and then he drops, and Dreamz wins Immunity.

Probst points out that Dreamz has fufilled part of his deal with Yau-Man. But will he hand the necklace over?

At this point, I don't know what Dreamz will do. But if he hands it over, he's probably going to get booted. If he was smart, he'd hand it over, and convince Earl and Yau-Man to vote out Cassandra. Or even forcing a tie, and taking his chances in a firebuilding challenge. But he's not that smart, so he won't.

All I know is that if he doesn't live up to his end of the bargain, not only has he pretty much stolen a $60,000 truck from someone he claims is a friend and mentor, he's got absolutely *no* chance of winning. The jury will eat him alive.

At camp, Yau-Man appears confident in his deal, and tells Cassandra he's voting for Dreamz.

Earl tells Dreamz he wanted him to get Immunity, but now he's got a tough decision. But then again, Dreamz has been babbling for two episodes now about honesty, integrity and how he's a man of his word. He "promised to God" that he'd give Yau-Man the Immunity. That should make the decision easier, shouldn't it?

Yau-Man tells Earl and Cassandra there's not guarantee, but they try to convince him he's golden, saying that Dreamz is a "good kid" and Yau-Man shouldn't worry.

Yau-Man talks to Dreamz, saying that if he decides to back out of their deal, at least not to vote for him. In confessional, Yau-Man says that he thinks Dreamz will do the right thing, but he's always been a wildcard and now he's in control.

Dreamz tells Cassandra that it's hard to give up a million bucks. Don't worry about it, Dreamz, because you aren't. You cannot win. There are lizards that have a better chance. The sea snakes will get the money first. So you're *not* giving up a million dollars.

Earl tells him to do the right thing, and Dreamz says he keeps thinking about his son, so he will. But just in case he doesn't, Earl and Cassandra better vote for Yau-Man, or else one of them is going home.

And at that point, I know Dreamz is a rat bastard. He's going to back out of the deal. All that remains to be seen is just how much of a bastard he'll be.

In confessional, Dreamz says if he gives up Immunity, he'll be booted, but people will know he's noble and honorable. Still, it's a hard decision -- keep his word or get a million dollars.

You know, if you'd get it through your thick freaking head that you *cannot* win, it might be easier. I yell at my TV, but he doesn't hear me.

At Tribal, Probst says the truck bargain is really the only thing they have to talk about.

Dreamz says he's thought about it (Dreamz? Think? That's a giggle) and that while it's a game of lying and deception, when humanity gets involved you have to try to make decisions based on relationships.

Or something like that. I still need a translator.

Probst says when Dreamz made the deal for the truck, he really wanted the truck, but pay back isn't so easy. Dreamz says it's not easy because it's a million dollars. He wanted the truck, but Yau-Man gave it to him for strategy. If he pays him back, he's going home.

Yau-Man says he hasn't talked to Dreamz about what to do, and that it's up to Dreamz to do the right thing. I don't know if I could have been this Zen-like about it -- I probably would have been campaigning like crazy.

But Yau-Man says his gut tells him Dreamz will do the right thing.

Cassandra dodges the question of what she thinks Dreamz should do. Have an opinion woman!! Quit annoying me!

Earl says he left Dreamz alone because it's a difficult position, but it's one that Earl would have never gotten himself into.

Dreamz whines some more about how hard it is to decide, and how being given a $60,000 truck sucks. Urge to kill rising ... rising ...

Probst gives Yau-Man a last chance to say something to Dreamz. He says, "I hope you've thought it over and hope you live up to your word. Whatever you do, you'll have to live with it." Nice! That's a guilt trip my mother would be proud of!

It's the moment of truth ... DREAMZ, YOU RAT BASTARD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Not only is he not giving up the necklace, he's not giving the truck back!!!!!

YOU SUCK!!!!! Cry your fake-ass tears -- you're pathetic. You've rocketed to the top of my list of "Survivors who need a kick in the [bleep!]"

If he would have said "It's a game, sorry sucka," I might have had some respect. But to promise to God and go on and on about honesty and integrity and honor and "being a man of his word" and a good example to his kid? And then do this?

He is the suckiest suck that ever sucked. In Sucktown.

Earl's eyes about pop out of his head. Cassandra sighs. Dreamz apologizes to Yau-Man, who doesn't respond. What could you say?

Bye-Bye Yau-Man. Everyone's sad, including me.

In his final words, Yau-Man says he's not sure why Earl voted for him too, but that he's proud of his accomplishments. And he's sorry Dreamz didn't live up to his end of the bargain. "Enjoy your truck."

Have I mentioned that Dreamz sucks?

(Sorry about the lack of photos from here -- my source has no photos from the last part of the episode. A little help, maybe?)

When they get back to camp, Dreamz apologizes to Cassandra and Earl for breaking his promise. Dude -- they are *not* who you should be begging for forgiveness.

Then he changes his tune, saying it's "just a game" Sure buddy -- did you decide that before or after the big "noblity and honor" speech?

At least he knows the jury's gonna rip him a new one. Earl's worried about the jury too, because he doesn't know how they'll react to him voting for Yau-Man.

I see these moves differently. Earl broke a promise to an ally, and he's gonna have to answer for that. But Dreamz made a deal with a $60,000 truck involved, broke it, and didn't even have the decency to give the truck back.

Earl was playing the game. Dreamz was a hypocritical, self-righteous bastard.

Earl says he was surprised by Dreamz's decision. Dreamz claims "he's not like this at home" (yeah, right) and that he loves God and puppies and kitties. He says that if he had given up immunity, he'd be on the jury, and not have a chance to win a million dollars.

Uh, you still don't have a chance. The only difference your back-stabbing butt will be on a different bench in the final Tribal Council.

Earl says in confessional that he's pissed about what Dreamz did and still can't believe he wrote down Yau-Man's name, after all they'd been through together.

Dreamz, for his part, is now singing that he has no regrets and that he planned this all along. Yeah, and if you believe that, please send me an e-mail -- I've got a lovely bridge to sell you. He tells Earl and Cassandra that he really did plan it out and hopes they respect it, though he doesn't care if they don't.

Ah, so here's the real Dreamz -- a sociopathic ability to rationalize anything, going from "I'm a man of my word" to "it's a game and everyone's lying" at the speed of light.

Final day on Fiji, and the two Survivors and a lying bastard talk about how happy they are to be there. They plan to savor the moment, but Tree Mail says there will be gifts from the sky. Then an airplane drops a crate into the ocean, and Earl has to swim out to retrieve it.

I was so hoping they'd drop the crate on Dreamz's thick head.

Eggs, cheese, veggies, bacon, drinks, and more self-congratulation. Get to the Tribal, already!

Then they burn a bunch of stuff left at camp, including a pair of skanky drawers that have more integrity than Dreamz. Cassandra offers up that she abandoned her underwear three weeks ago, which is way more information than I ever wanted to know about her.

Earl says he's proud of himself and that he's challenged himself, yadda, yadda. He does his "King of Fiji" pose on top of the rocks again.

Cassandra gets the "I'm an old woman and I overcame a lot" edit. Whatever.

Dreamz ... sigh. He says he's on top of the world, and that he "feels like he's standing next to Oprah."

OK -- standing next to Oprah is *not* the height of human existance. And besides -- you screwed your shot at an Oprah gig -- I'll bet Dreamz had given up Immunity, she would have given him a car, a house and a pony.

Earl makes the first statement at Tribal, saying that he's happy to see everybody that he saw ten hours ago and that he played a clean and honest game. He didn't want to be a rat or a snake, so he made the right moves to put himself in the right position.

He says no one ever wrote down his name and he never had to win Immunity. Good points. He played an intelligent game, and wants the respect vote, not the pity vote.

Cassandra ... sigh. She says she tried to stay positive and give everyone a friend who would listen to them. She got an alliance and stuck to it, and hopes people respect that. Translation? "I attached myself to Earl's butt and stayed there. But I was nice about it!"

And then there's Dreamz. Mister "I don't want the pity vote" opens up by asking for it, reminding everyone that they've heard his life story again and again and again. He says he's liked getting to know people (and stab them in the back) and that he wants them to help him and his family.

Michelle asks what was the biggest hardship or obstacle they faced. Dreamz shoulda said breaking his deal with Yau-Man, but instead he babbles about being thirsty.

Cassandra says not being able to swim, and Michelle asks if a fear of water is worth a million bucks. Earl points out that he's the only original Ravu member, and he practically lived on Exile Island, so he knows about suffering, yo!

Edgardo asks how the Syndicate found out Alex had the Hidden Immunity Idol. "Dreamz," Earl says, and Edgardo sits down, satisfied.

Mookie asks Dreamz if he told anyone about the HII, and when Dreamz says he did, Mookie asks if he considers that a betrayal. No, Dreamz says -- it was a lie, a con.

What what what??

Here's the definition of betrayal -- I think Dreamz's actions fit the bill. Mookie reminds the three not to be caught in a lie, especially tonight.

Alex goes all prosecuting attorney, grilling Cassandra about maintaining her integrity. When he doesn't like her answer, he rips into her about voting Stacy out. He won't let her talk and even snarks that he'll ask the question in Spanish and have Edgardo translate. It's part Perry Mason, and part asshole.

Then he moves on to Dreamz, saying that Dreamz has said his goal was to help kids. So explain how cheating, lying, and backstabbing to succeed would make a good role model? Dreamz sings his "it's a game" song, but I would rather let a child spend a week with the sea snakes on EI than a minute with Dreamz.

Alex finishes by saying he'd wish Dreamz luck, but he's a man of his word, so he can't. Ouch!

Lisi ... WTH? First she starts out with nonsense, then moves to lying then asks to see Cassandra's shoes? She says Cassandra's shoes are ugly, and that proves she was unprepared for Survivor. Is Lisi off her meds?

Cassandra says it's day 39 and she's still here and so are her shoes. And WTF does that question mean, anyway?

Now Lisi's off on a greed tangent, asking Cassandra if greed propelled her. Cassandra says no, then yes, she was playing to win a million dollars.

Lisi asks Dreamz the number of zeros in a million and he says six -- and Lisi looks to the jury for confirmation. She really is batshit crazy, isn't she?

Then she asks Earl why he put on a show for the jury and looked shocked when Yau-Man was voted off.

Earl says he was shocked when Dreamz broke his word, but that voting for Yau-Man was a smart move, so he made it. He just couldn't believe that the person he'd gone through the entire game with was going.

Stacy says the big difference between Earl and Dreamz is that Earl's got a college education and Dreamz doesn't. So she wants to know how to base her vote.

Earl says he had a rough upbringing too, and that a million bucks could change any of their lives. He's not going to feel bad because he has a job and a car, because he worked for them. If she's going to base her vote on need, they *all* need it. Good answer!

Rocky asks each of them how they manipulated the game. Cassandra starts the "I was nice" speech, and Rocky cuts her off. Then she says she didn't manipulate anybody. mmm-hmmmm.

Dreamz says he manipulated everybody, especially Yau-Man, and that every time he was on the chopping block, he found a way to put somebody else there instead. Yeah, that was more dumb luck than skillful gameplay, sucka.

Earl says he manipulated the game so well no one knew he was doing it.

Boo tips his hat to Yau-Man, who he says was the best overall player. But he trusted Dreamz and got burned. Boo says you can't make a promise in your heart and then change it, and Dreamz interrupts and says it wasn't in his heart. Dreamz is chock full of crap.

Boo asks Dreamz if he was playing Yau-Man when he took the truck or "as a Christian" he came back later and decided to play the game.

Dreamz says he came to play, but that he made friends and it messed with his fragile little mind. He keeps babbling until Boo brings him back on point by asking "as a Christian man" was he playing the game when he took the truck?

Dreamz gets up in Boo's grill and says Boo doesn't know what's in his heart or in his head, and that he was playing the game. Boo calls him an immature Christian, and says he hopes one day he'll be strong enough to turn aside the devil.

Ya know, I don't think Boo is voting for Dreamz.

Yau-Man's turn! He says that as a 54-year-old man, he is safe from testosterone poisoning, and that what happened at the last Tribal was his fault. The truck was given to Dreamz in good faith, so he should enjoy it and not feel guilty about having it.

If I were Dreamz, I think that would make me feel so guilty I would cry. Dreamz however, may be lacking a soul, so he does not.

Yau-Man says he's going to give Dreamz a chance to "have the gonads to stand up and say why you changed your mind." But Dreamz has no gonads, so he says he didn't change his mind. He played the game, and Yau-Man got played.

Yau-Man then asks Earl why he didn't take Yau-Man to the Final Three. "Because I wouldn't win," Earl says. "Because you played the best game by far." Honesty ... what a freshing concept!

Time to vote!

And the winner is ... Earl! Everbody Meke! In the first time in Survivor history, it was a complete shutout -- neither Dreamz or Cassandra got a single vote.

I wanted Yau-Man to win, but Earl was my second choice. So congratulations!

Reunion in another post, ya'll -- I need a break.