Survivor: Fiji Reunion

It was a great season with a twist in the last episode that will go down in Survivor history, as well as one of the most angry juries in years.

Now it's time for the reunion, otherwise known as "Jeff Probst's shocking and disturbing obsession with guys who act like assholes."

Sorry I don't have any photos -- I'll scrounge around the Internet and see if I can dig any up.

Series of clips of Earl talking about how he's gonna keep his friends close and his enemies closer, and him chopping a snake in half on Exile Island.

He's a good winner -- I am content.

Probst says Earl never had his name written down until it mattered -- and then he got every vote! Not bad for a guy who never won Immunity and didn't even know he was going to be on the show until two days before filming started.

Earl said he hadn't even seen much of the show beforehand -- just the first season. But he learned as he went.

Earl and Yau-Man formed their friendship/alliance on the first day. They were supposed to go all the way together, but the strategy changed and at the Final Five, it was every man for himself.

Yau-Man says that they were stuck together on Ravu, and Earl had the best morals and work ethic, so that made him trust him. They're still best buds. Awwww.

Earl says his key moment to win, unfortunately, was voting out Yau-Man. He says he was shocked by Dreamz's decision, and that he'd already started planning what to say in a showdown with Yau-Man. He says that when Dreamz backed out of the truck deal, he thought "Wow, I just won a million dollars."

What if Dreamz hadn't betrayed him, and Yau-Man had been in the final? At least six jurors (Boo, Lisi, Rocky, Mookie, Alex and Stacy) say they would have voted for him. Ouch -- Yau-Man lost a million bucks, and Dreamz screwed him even though he never had a chance.

So Dreamz screwed Yau-Man, screwed himself, and gave Earl a million dollars. Dreamz jokes that he's a good guy, and I have an urge to hunt him down and kill him slowly.

Commercial break, and a Dreamz montage.

Time for the Dreamz segment. I consider turning the channel, because every time he speaks I want him dead. For the good of humanity, of course.

Probst asks how his homeless upbringing affected his gameplay, and Dreamz says that the conditions didn't bother him, but falling "in and out of humanity" did -- making friends vs. playing the game.

Sorry Dreamz -- I've seen some of the day after interviews. You didn't make any friends. In fact, the usually-friendly crowd is booing your betraying ass, so you may not have any friends for a long, long time.

OK, this is a long, mostly incoherent and annoying segment that I'm not going to recap fully. Probst cannot get Dreamz to answer a straight question. He may be incapable of answering a straight question. I watched a couple of minutes of the show three times, and I still don't have a clue of what he was trying to say.

This is the interview from hell, and we're stuck there too.

Suffice it to say Dreamz thinks he's some sort of freakin' genius. And he had a great plan. Or he didn't.

My head hurts. I may need therapy to overcome my urge to kill this guy.

Cassandra, for some unknown reason, backs Dreamz up and says he was playing the part of a complete idiot, and that he's actually smart and had some social skills. I don't know how much he paid her to look that dumb on national television -- maybe he gave her his truck.

We get some clips reminding us how the truck deal went down, including the "I promise to God" and how Dreamz is "a man of his word." The live studio audience is *not* sounding so friendly at this point.

Lots of Boooos! at the cutback and Boo jokingly waves to the crowd. Probst gives Dreamz *another* chance to own up and admit changing his mind, and instead, we get more non-answer babble. I hate Dreamz so much flames are shooting from my head.

Probst pushes, and Dreamz finally says that when he made the deal, he had no intention of keeping it. He's so full of it. Then he mugs for the camera and shouts "we're all friends, right?" The audience makes it clear that Dreamz is no friend to them.

Probst asks if he had any second thoughts about giving the truck back, and Dreamz says that a few crept in, but then he went back into game mode. He blows.

Probst says that Dreamz's charm too him a long way, because no matter how many people he backstabbed, he still remained likable. Whatever. Jeff has a weird thing for alpha males -- he was totally crushing on Ozzy last season.

Cut back to Earl. When Yau-Man was asking Earl and Cassandra if Dreamz would keep his word, and they assured him that Dreamz would, did he really think that? Earl says he totally thought Dreamz would keep his word.

Back to Dreamz -- did he tell his son that it's only a game? Yes. So lying, cheating and stealing are okey-dokey if it's a game? Remind me never to play Chutes and Ladders with that kid.

Yau-Man montage! Yau-Man says he thought Dreamz would keep his word right up until Jeff asked him what he was going to do with the Immunity necklace.

Yau-Man is very kind, saying that Dreamz is basically a smart guy who's very undisciplined, and that he hopes Dreamz gets some education and can make use of it. It's a lot nicer than anything I would have said.

Yau-Man says he didn't try to convince Dreamz to keep his word because his stubborn streak convinced him that Dreamz would. But he got burned. He says he gets recognized a lot and that the attention is fun.

Rocky montage! Ugh.

Surprisingly, Rocky doesn't irritate me as much as he did on the show. It may be that the ire of Dreamz's presence makes him seem like an OK guy, but he didn't make me throw anything at my TV this time.

Rocky says people stop him and take his picture, and that he'd describe his Survivor experience as "pretty rough, he got to meet Jeff Probst, and all in all a good time."

Clips of Rocky being an ass to Anthony.

Anthony says the showdowns with Rocky were hard to watch, but Rocky was hungry and crazy and Anthony didn't want to force a confrontation. He says he's now better equipped to deal with the lawyers at his job.

Probst tries the "tough love" bit again, and seriously Jeff -- STFU. I realize that bad boys make you tingle in a special place, but verbal abuse is not in someone's best interest.

Probst jokes about Alex's cross-examination of Cassandra, then asks why he trusted Dreamz, giving Alex the chance to babble something about working with the people you're stuck with -- it was Dreamz or Lisi, and Lisi wanted to go home.

OK, that's a great opening to ask Lisi if she's back on her meds after her psycho performance at the Final Jury, or if her shoes are ugly, or even why she was a whiny, annoying quitter. But no -- Jeff tosses her a gimmie question about "wearing her emotions on her sleeve."

If all Probst is gonna do is toss softballs and suck up to the jocks, can we get someone else to host these reunions, please? *Not* Rosie O'Donnell.

Boo tore his ACL. Ouch! He says he might use some of his Survivor money to get it fixed, but maybe not.

Michelle gets lauded for making fire without assistance. She says age doesn't matter -- have the right attitude and a goal. She's still as cute as Muppet, and cleans up very nicely.

Edgardo missed his family. Gary got a *huge* Survivor tattoo on his arm. Fire ants hurt.

Mookie says something, but I don't care. Stacy turned everyone hating her into a positive. Liliana gained 20 pounds before going on the show, but then got booted pre-merge, and had to go on a diet. Rita's kids are proud. Sylvia designed a house that will be on HGTV. Erica, who left her massive 'fro at home, was frustrated she didn't get to play longer. Jessica says she made friends in Loser Lodge.

Survivor's going to China next season! Woo-hoo! It'll be a nice break from tropical islands, and I wanna see a panda. I also want to see a tiger eat someone.

As the show signs off, Earl wishes his mother a happy Mommie's Day, and says he's giving her half the money! Gee -- I got my mom some plants.

See ya next season! Give me a shout if you want to see recaps of Pirate Master -- I'm going to watch the first episode and see if I like it.

View the whole article suckas

Survivor: You've Got a Puzzled Look

OK, I've got three hours of Survivor to recap and a Lost episode that was so detailed that I had to take notes. I'm going to try to crank everything out in the next few days -- offerings of money and chocolate would be appreciated.

Back from Tribal, Yau-Man is happy to still be in the game, but having to play the Hidden Immunity Idol to save his butt has obviously affected him, and he tells Cassandra it was "brutal."

Earl tells him that it might have been a move to flush out the HII. But Yau-Man's still worried, and says that if he doesn't win the next Immunity he might have to "borrow" Earl's HII. Earl hedges, saying he might be a target too, now that the others know he doesn't trust them.

Earl says it's time to protect himself now, as the once-mighty Syndicate cannibalizes itself.

The next morning, Cassandra's worried because she just screwed her main alliance to no real benefit. Yau-Man's worried too, and says he has to win Immunity to stay alive.

Earl goes to Cassandra and just wants to know what's up. He says he doesn't care if they take out Yau-Man -- he's all about strategy and wants to know what's going down. He says he wouldn't have told Yau-Man about the effort to get rid of him, but he wouldn't have voted for it, either.

I don't know if Earl's telling the truth here, or is playing a good game to make Cassandra not see him as a target. It doesn't matter, because Cassandra doesn't buy it. She says that she can't see Earl cutting Yau-Man loose, so it's up to her, Dreamz and Boo to get rid of him while they still have the numbers advantage.



Immunity challenge time, and it's a big-ass maze -- almost as big as a football field. Oh, and did Jeff mention the blindfolds?

I'm impressed at how elaborate and difficult the producers have made the final challenges in the past few seasons -- tip of the hat to you!

The Survivors will make their way blindfolded through the big ass, five section maze. Each will be assigned a uniquely shaped medallion, negotiating the maze till they find a key station. They will feel for the shape that matches their medallion to retrieve their specific key. After making their way to the correct drawbridge they will use their key to unlock it, lower it and cross over to the next section of the maze. The first person to get all five keys and cross all five drawbridges wins Immunity and will be in the Final Four.



Boo finds his first key, followed by Yau-Man and Dreamz. Yau-Man gets to his drawbridge as Earl finds his key. Dreamz steps in the water, so he knows he's close, and Boo falls in with a splash. Hey -- it's Boo. Did you expect anything else?

Probst says each section is more complicated than the last. Nice!

Yau-Man has his second key. Boo and Dreamz slam into one another. Boo gets his second key, and Earl's still at the first drawbridge.

And just as I turn to my husband and say "Hey, what about Cassandra?" they show her. She's wandering aimlessly *outside* the danged maze. She's so far out of this challenge she could be at Loser Lodge.

She can't even blame her lack of physical skill for this one, because it's not a physical challenge. She just sucks.



Dreamz has his second key. Yau-Man's at the second drawbridge, and Boo's on his heels. Hey -- Cassandra found a key! Dreamz gets to the second drawbridge as Yau-Man gets his third key. Woo-hoo!



Dreamz gets his third key. Boo gets his third key. Earl and Cassandra are completely out of this challenge. Cassandra takes a header into the water. Sigh.



Boo crosses the third drawbridge. Yau-Man gets his fourth key, as does Dreamz. Yau-Man crosses the fourth drawbridge as Boo gets his fourth key. Then Boo hits the water. He and Dreamz get their drawbridges down at the same time.

Yau-Man finds his fifth key, and then hits a dead end and has to backtrack. He gets his drawbridge down and wins Immunity. Everybody dance!



Back at camp, Yau-Man tells Cassandra that Boo's the target. She agrees, but sounds kind of surprised -- maybe she thought she was on the block?

Yau-Man tells Boo he's one of the toughest competitors he's ever faced, and Boo finishes the sentence by saying "so that's why you're voting me out tonight." No hard feelings, Boo -- I still think you're a cutie.

Boo says he's seen the writing on the wall -- it's his time to go.

Dreamz is in paranoia mode again, asking Cassandra and Yau-Man who's gonna go. They say Boo, but he doesn't believe them.



But Boo isn't going out without a fight. He pulls Earl aside and reminds him that Yau-Man will be really hard to beat in a final. His best chance is to boot Dreamz tonight, denying Yau-Man his Immunity deal, and then have Boo win the next Immunity.

Earl appears to be considering the deal, and Cassandra says he's got a puzzled look. Earl says he's always puzzled. Earl says in confessional that he'd rather go up against Boo or Cassandra in the final jury, because Dreamz will get the sympathy vote and Yau-Man is chock full of awesome.



Boo targets Yau-Man next, saying that Yau-Man can win against anybody but Dreamz. Yau-Man thinks it's a good deal too, but says he needs another vote. He goes to Earl, and asks if Earl thinks Dreamz will live up to his end of the truck bargain. If he won't, it's best to get rid of him now.



At Tribal, Probst asks Dreamz who he's most worried about -- a physical threat or someone who's untrustworthy. Dreamz says someone who doesn't keep his word is worse. Gee ... would that be you? There are four Horse Boys who think so!

Dreamz says in a game for a million bucks, sometimes you have to go with your gut. Is that where he's keeping his brain these days?

Earl is asked if it's coming down to the most deserving or who you can beat. Earl is honest and says that trust goes a long way, but even if someone's a good friend, if you can't beat them you might choose someone else.

Boo says he's the only one who was scrambling for votes at camp, and suggests how dangerous Dreamz could be. He says he's a better choice to take to the finals than Dreamz or Yau-Man, and Earl doesn't look happy that Boo's just laid out his entire game strategy.

Dreamz argues that he tells people his life story over and over again to show how far someone can rise, not to garner sympathy. He doesn't want the sympathy vote. Boo says he didn't say Dreamz was trying to get the pity vote, just that he will.

Probst asks Dreamz if he's uncomfortable being called out as a threat to win, given that Yau-Man has Immunity. Dreamz says he's part of Yau-Man's final four strategy, and he expects to be in the game at least that long. Probst asks if Dreamz is kind of tossing the truck negotiations back at Yau-Man, and Dreamz admits he is, because if Yau-Man votes him out, he gave away the truck for nothing.

Boo's still arguing that it's better to boot Dreamz now. Dreamz says if Boo stays, he's gonna keep winning challenges. Boo counters that he doesn't have and friends on the jury, so he's promised Earl and Yau-Man that he's safe to take to Final Two. Wait a minute -- I may be a liberal arts major, but Boo + Yau-Man + Earl = Three.

Time to vote. Earl uses his HII, which hey -- it's the last time he can use it, so why not? And I guess Boo's math didn't add up with anyone else, either, because Boo -- the tribe has spoken.



Boo leaves, saying that Yau-Man will be tough to beat, although he thinks it would be funny if Dreamz welched on his deal.

The next day, Dreamz is sucking up to Yau-Man, saying that they respect one another, and they have the same morals and they'll be buddies for life -- just like Rush Hour!

Hey Dreamz -- I've seen Chris Tucker movies. Chris Tucker once walked past me in a hallway. And you sir, are no Chris Tucker!



Dreamz says he knew he was screwed by taking the truck, but that he wants to show that he's a man of his word, and that it's super-duper important that he win Immunity so he can do that. He also says he found out that it's a $60,000 truck, and Yau-Man jokes he wouldn't have been so quick to make the deal if he had known the sticker price.

Dreamz blathers on about how it's not a truck -- it's one man giving another man a chance. Shut up, Dreamz! If I had wanted to see sappy hug and cry time, I woulda watched Oprah.



Tree mail tells them to row their canoe to a spot where they will gather the torches of their tribemates, and then burn them before moving on to the Immunity challenge. I wonder if any of them have figured out that it's going to be a Final Three, and not a Final Two?

Survivor rundown time!

Jessica: There was someone on this show named Jessica?

Erica: First double boot -- Erica and her massive 'fro.

Sylvia: Yau-Man says he's sorry she had to go so soon. In voiceover, she says she tried to hide her leadership skills, but her tribe figured out she's a bossy s.o.b.

Gary: Poor Papa Smurf, done in by bug bites.

There are a lot of people falling on their faces in these video clips -- I hadn't realized this was Survivor: Fiji's Funniest Videos.

Liliana: Never had a chance.

Rita: Earl calls her one of the best moms in the world.

Anthony: Poor Black Male Cinderella -- at least you got away from the Horse Boys.

Rocky: Rocky voices over that "a straight shooter, like myself, probably doesn't have any business in this game." Gee, is that what you call those sexist, homophobic diatribes? You're still an asshat. Get off my television.

Lisi: You suck, Faceplant.

Michelle: Done in by cruel fate. Paj, are you dating her yet?

Edgardo: Dreamz says he never saw it coming. Way to twist the knife, jerk.

Mookie: Uh ... bye?

These are some quiet Survivors. Usually someone has *something* nice to say.

Alex: Dreamz says Alex is his "brother for life." Yeah -- I'll believe that one when I see it.

Stacy: Yau-Man pulls Stacy's torch, saying that she learned a lot about life and herself. Seeing that she was voted the person mostly likely to squander her Survivor experience, I think her stock rose in the end.

Boo: No one's got anything nice to say about Boo? Buncha haters.



At the Immunity challenge, Probst takes the necklace from Yau-Man, and Dreamz says "you'll get it back."

Jeff then reveals the how big the stakes are because this time, one person will become the ninth and final member of the jury. Three of the Final Four will go on to face the jury for the million bucks.

The Survivors will lie on their backs on an elevated plank at an angle holding onto a wooden handle. Making things more difficult, water will stream out of a barrel, making the plank slippery. Every five minutes, Jeff will increase the angle of the plank, making it steeper and harder to hang onto. When they can't hang on any longer, they'll let go and slide down the plank, landing in a pool of water. The last person hanging on wins Immunity.



This would be way harder than it looks, because you're supporting your entire body weight. It's going to kill your hands and arms.

They start at a 35 degree angle, and most of them look OK. Probst starts talking about the truck bargain again, saying that a million dollars is closer than they think.



Cassandra drops at 15 minutes, as the boards are being moved to 50 degrees. Earl's barely hanging on, and he drops when the boards are moved to 55 degrees.

Now, at this point, if I'm Yau-Man, I start talking to Dreamz, telling him to fufill his side of the bargain, drop and let me have Immunity. But he doesn't, and then he drops, and Dreamz wins Immunity.

Probst points out that Dreamz has fufilled part of his deal with Yau-Man. But will he hand the necklace over?



At this point, I don't know what Dreamz will do. But if he hands it over, he's probably going to get booted. If he was smart, he'd hand it over, and convince Earl and Yau-Man to vote out Cassandra. Or even forcing a tie, and taking his chances in a firebuilding challenge. But he's not that smart, so he won't.

All I know is that if he doesn't live up to his end of the bargain, not only has he pretty much stolen a $60,000 truck from someone he claims is a friend and mentor, he's got absolutely *no* chance of winning. The jury will eat him alive.

At camp, Yau-Man appears confident in his deal, and tells Cassandra he's voting for Dreamz.

Earl tells Dreamz he wanted him to get Immunity, but now he's got a tough decision. But then again, Dreamz has been babbling for two episodes now about honesty, integrity and how he's a man of his word. He "promised to God" that he'd give Yau-Man the Immunity. That should make the decision easier, shouldn't it?

Yau-Man tells Earl and Cassandra there's not guarantee, but they try to convince him he's golden, saying that Dreamz is a "good kid" and Yau-Man shouldn't worry.

Yau-Man talks to Dreamz, saying that if he decides to back out of their deal, at least not to vote for him. In confessional, Yau-Man says that he thinks Dreamz will do the right thing, but he's always been a wildcard and now he's in control.



Dreamz tells Cassandra that it's hard to give up a million bucks. Don't worry about it, Dreamz, because you aren't. You cannot win. There are lizards that have a better chance. The sea snakes will get the money first. So you're *not* giving up a million dollars.

Earl tells him to do the right thing, and Dreamz says he keeps thinking about his son, so he will. But just in case he doesn't, Earl and Cassandra better vote for Yau-Man, or else one of them is going home.

And at that point, I know Dreamz is a rat bastard. He's going to back out of the deal. All that remains to be seen is just how much of a bastard he'll be.

In confessional, Dreamz says if he gives up Immunity, he'll be booted, but people will know he's noble and honorable. Still, it's a hard decision -- keep his word or get a million dollars.

You know, if you'd get it through your thick freaking head that you *cannot* win, it might be easier. I yell at my TV, but he doesn't hear me.

At Tribal, Probst says the truck bargain is really the only thing they have to talk about.

Dreamz says he's thought about it (Dreamz? Think? That's a giggle) and that while it's a game of lying and deception, when humanity gets involved you have to try to make decisions based on relationships.

Or something like that. I still need a translator.

Probst says when Dreamz made the deal for the truck, he really wanted the truck, but pay back isn't so easy. Dreamz says it's not easy because it's a million dollars. He wanted the truck, but Yau-Man gave it to him for strategy. If he pays him back, he's going home.

Yau-Man says he hasn't talked to Dreamz about what to do, and that it's up to Dreamz to do the right thing. I don't know if I could have been this Zen-like about it -- I probably would have been campaigning like crazy.

But Yau-Man says his gut tells him Dreamz will do the right thing.

Cassandra dodges the question of what she thinks Dreamz should do. Have an opinion woman!! Quit annoying me!

Earl says he left Dreamz alone because it's a difficult position, but it's one that Earl would have never gotten himself into.

Dreamz whines some more about how hard it is to decide, and how being given a $60,000 truck sucks. Urge to kill rising ... rising ...

Probst gives Yau-Man a last chance to say something to Dreamz. He says, "I hope you've thought it over and hope you live up to your word. Whatever you do, you'll have to live with it." Nice! That's a guilt trip my mother would be proud of!

It's the moment of truth ... DREAMZ, YOU RAT BASTARD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Not only is he not giving up the necklace, he's not giving the truck back!!!!!

YOU SUCK!!!!! Cry your fake-ass tears -- you're pathetic. You've rocketed to the top of my list of "Survivors who need a kick in the [bleep!]"

If he would have said "It's a game, sorry sucka," I might have had some respect. But to promise to God and go on and on about honesty and integrity and honor and "being a man of his word" and a good example to his kid? And then do this?

He is the suckiest suck that ever sucked. In Sucktown.

Earl's eyes about pop out of his head. Cassandra sighs. Dreamz apologizes to Yau-Man, who doesn't respond. What could you say?

Bye-Bye Yau-Man. Everyone's sad, including me.



In his final words, Yau-Man says he's not sure why Earl voted for him too, but that he's proud of his accomplishments. And he's sorry Dreamz didn't live up to his end of the bargain. "Enjoy your truck."

Have I mentioned that Dreamz sucks?



(Sorry about the lack of photos from here -- my source has no photos from the last part of the episode. A little help, maybe?)

When they get back to camp, Dreamz apologizes to Cassandra and Earl for breaking his promise. Dude -- they are *not* who you should be begging for forgiveness.

Then he changes his tune, saying it's "just a game" Sure buddy -- did you decide that before or after the big "noblity and honor" speech?

At least he knows the jury's gonna rip him a new one. Earl's worried about the jury too, because he doesn't know how they'll react to him voting for Yau-Man.

I see these moves differently. Earl broke a promise to an ally, and he's gonna have to answer for that. But Dreamz made a deal with a $60,000 truck involved, broke it, and didn't even have the decency to give the truck back.

Earl was playing the game. Dreamz was a hypocritical, self-righteous bastard.

Earl says he was surprised by Dreamz's decision. Dreamz claims "he's not like this at home" (yeah, right) and that he loves God and puppies and kitties. He says that if he had given up immunity, he'd be on the jury, and not have a chance to win a million dollars.

Uh, you still don't have a chance. The only difference your back-stabbing butt will be on a different bench in the final Tribal Council.

Earl says in confessional that he's pissed about what Dreamz did and still can't believe he wrote down Yau-Man's name, after all they'd been through together.

Dreamz, for his part, is now singing that he has no regrets and that he planned this all along. Yeah, and if you believe that, please send me an e-mail -- I've got a lovely bridge to sell you. He tells Earl and Cassandra that he really did plan it out and hopes they respect it, though he doesn't care if they don't.

Ah, so here's the real Dreamz -- a sociopathic ability to rationalize anything, going from "I'm a man of my word" to "it's a game and everyone's lying" at the speed of light.

Final day on Fiji, and the two Survivors and a lying bastard talk about how happy they are to be there. They plan to savor the moment, but Tree Mail says there will be gifts from the sky. Then an airplane drops a crate into the ocean, and Earl has to swim out to retrieve it.

I was so hoping they'd drop the crate on Dreamz's thick head.

Eggs, cheese, veggies, bacon, drinks, and more self-congratulation. Get to the Tribal, already!

Then they burn a bunch of stuff left at camp, including a pair of skanky drawers that have more integrity than Dreamz. Cassandra offers up that she abandoned her underwear three weeks ago, which is way more information than I ever wanted to know about her.

Earl says he's proud of himself and that he's challenged himself, yadda, yadda. He does his "King of Fiji" pose on top of the rocks again.

Cassandra gets the "I'm an old woman and I overcame a lot" edit. Whatever.

Dreamz ... sigh. He says he's on top of the world, and that he "feels like he's standing next to Oprah."

OK -- standing next to Oprah is *not* the height of human existance. And besides -- you screwed your shot at an Oprah gig -- I'll bet Dreamz had given up Immunity, she would have given him a car, a house and a pony.

Earl makes the first statement at Tribal, saying that he's happy to see everybody that he saw ten hours ago and that he played a clean and honest game. He didn't want to be a rat or a snake, so he made the right moves to put himself in the right position.

He says no one ever wrote down his name and he never had to win Immunity. Good points. He played an intelligent game, and wants the respect vote, not the pity vote.

Cassandra ... sigh. She says she tried to stay positive and give everyone a friend who would listen to them. She got an alliance and stuck to it, and hopes people respect that. Translation? "I attached myself to Earl's butt and stayed there. But I was nice about it!"

And then there's Dreamz. Mister "I don't want the pity vote" opens up by asking for it, reminding everyone that they've heard his life story again and again and again. He says he's liked getting to know people (and stab them in the back) and that he wants them to help him and his family.

Michelle asks what was the biggest hardship or obstacle they faced. Dreamz shoulda said breaking his deal with Yau-Man, but instead he babbles about being thirsty.

Cassandra says not being able to swim, and Michelle asks if a fear of water is worth a million bucks. Earl points out that he's the only original Ravu member, and he practically lived on Exile Island, so he knows about suffering, yo!

Edgardo asks how the Syndicate found out Alex had the Hidden Immunity Idol. "Dreamz," Earl says, and Edgardo sits down, satisfied.

Mookie asks Dreamz if he told anyone about the HII, and when Dreamz says he did, Mookie asks if he considers that a betrayal. No, Dreamz says -- it was a lie, a con.

What what what??

Here's the definition of betrayal -- I think Dreamz's actions fit the bill. Mookie reminds the three not to be caught in a lie, especially tonight.

Alex goes all prosecuting attorney, grilling Cassandra about maintaining her integrity. When he doesn't like her answer, he rips into her about voting Stacy out. He won't let her talk and even snarks that he'll ask the question in Spanish and have Edgardo translate. It's part Perry Mason, and part asshole.

Then he moves on to Dreamz, saying that Dreamz has said his goal was to help kids. So explain how cheating, lying, and backstabbing to succeed would make a good role model? Dreamz sings his "it's a game" song, but I would rather let a child spend a week with the sea snakes on EI than a minute with Dreamz.

Alex finishes by saying he'd wish Dreamz luck, but he's a man of his word, so he can't. Ouch!

Lisi ... WTH? First she starts out with nonsense, then moves to lying then asks to see Cassandra's shoes? She says Cassandra's shoes are ugly, and that proves she was unprepared for Survivor. Is Lisi off her meds?

Cassandra says it's day 39 and she's still here and so are her shoes. And WTF does that question mean, anyway?

Now Lisi's off on a greed tangent, asking Cassandra if greed propelled her. Cassandra says no, then yes, she was playing to win a million dollars.

Lisi asks Dreamz the number of zeros in a million and he says six -- and Lisi looks to the jury for confirmation. She really is batshit crazy, isn't she?

Then she asks Earl why he put on a show for the jury and looked shocked when Yau-Man was voted off.

Earl says he was shocked when Dreamz broke his word, but that voting for Yau-Man was a smart move, so he made it. He just couldn't believe that the person he'd gone through the entire game with was going.

Stacy says the big difference between Earl and Dreamz is that Earl's got a college education and Dreamz doesn't. So she wants to know how to base her vote.

Earl says he had a rough upbringing too, and that a million bucks could change any of their lives. He's not going to feel bad because he has a job and a car, because he worked for them. If she's going to base her vote on need, they *all* need it. Good answer!

Rocky asks each of them how they manipulated the game. Cassandra starts the "I was nice" speech, and Rocky cuts her off. Then she says she didn't manipulate anybody. mmm-hmmmm.

Dreamz says he manipulated everybody, especially Yau-Man, and that every time he was on the chopping block, he found a way to put somebody else there instead. Yeah, that was more dumb luck than skillful gameplay, sucka.

Earl says he manipulated the game so well no one knew he was doing it.

Boo tips his hat to Yau-Man, who he says was the best overall player. But he trusted Dreamz and got burned. Boo says you can't make a promise in your heart and then change it, and Dreamz interrupts and says it wasn't in his heart. Dreamz is chock full of crap.

Boo asks Dreamz if he was playing Yau-Man when he took the truck or "as a Christian" he came back later and decided to play the game.

Dreamz says he came to play, but that he made friends and it messed with his fragile little mind. He keeps babbling until Boo brings him back on point by asking "as a Christian man" was he playing the game when he took the truck?

Dreamz gets up in Boo's grill and says Boo doesn't know what's in his heart or in his head, and that he was playing the game. Boo calls him an immature Christian, and says he hopes one day he'll be strong enough to turn aside the devil.

Ya know, I don't think Boo is voting for Dreamz.

Yau-Man's turn! He says that as a 54-year-old man, he is safe from testosterone poisoning, and that what happened at the last Tribal was his fault. The truck was given to Dreamz in good faith, so he should enjoy it and not feel guilty about having it.

If I were Dreamz, I think that would make me feel so guilty I would cry. Dreamz however, may be lacking a soul, so he does not.

Yau-Man says he's going to give Dreamz a chance to "have the gonads to stand up and say why you changed your mind." But Dreamz has no gonads, so he says he didn't change his mind. He played the game, and Yau-Man got played.

Yau-Man then asks Earl why he didn't take Yau-Man to the Final Three. "Because I wouldn't win," Earl says. "Because you played the best game by far." Honesty ... what a freshing concept!

Time to vote!

And the winner is ... Earl! Everbody Meke! In the first time in Survivor history, it was a complete shutout -- neither Dreamz or Cassandra got a single vote.

I wanted Yau-Man to win, but Earl was my second choice. So congratulations!

Reunion in another post, ya'll -- I need a break.

View the whole article suckas

Survivor: I Wanna Try to Make a Deal

Boo's sneaking through the tall grass like one of my cats hunting a cricket. It's cute, in a dorky redneck kinda way.

Boo says he's cutting a secret path to the well, so that when people go there to talk about who to boot, he can eavesdrop. "Sneaky is fun," Boo whispers. Awww ... I can't help liking the doofus.

But he could have a good plan -- too bad the rest of Bula Bula is back at the cave. Talking ... about Boo.

Earl's telling everyone to make sure Boo doesn't win immunity this week, like they could jump on his back and make him lose. But Boo has gotten one clue to the location of the Hidden Immunity Idol, so he could have it. So if he's gonna go, they're going to have to blindside him.

Stacy leaps to join the plan, even saying that she and Earl could have a fake fight, Survivor Theater style. Stacy's gone from bitch queen to suck-up faster than Boo can fall out of a hammock.

Yau-Man says he's having a lot of fun, because there's a lot of "sneaky conversations." Yeah -- you should have them by the well -- Boo's still waiting! No, really -- he is. Sitting in the weeds all by himself, waiting for someone to wander by and spill their guts. Poor little hick.



When Stacy comes back with tree mail, it says the reward will be something big. Dreamz is doing the car dance, and once again pull out the "I'm poor and kinda dumb" card, telling everyone how much he wants a car, and how he's the only person without one. In fact, he doesn't even have a license, because he's never needed one.

He is so freaking shameless that he's *asking* people to help him win. Earl has a great "WTF!" face, but Yau-Man looks like he might be cooking something up.

But seriously dude, back the frag off. You want a car -- people in Hell want ice water. You're playing for a million bucks, although it's Dreamz, so I use the term "playing" loosely. Win, and you can buy yourself a car.



Sorry Dreamz -- you're not playing for a car. It's a truck. A big-ass black m'fing Ford F350 truck that can haul like three tons. This truck could drive over my little sedan and not even notice the bump. Everyone drools.

Split into groups of three and tied together, the Survivors will maneuver over a series of see-saws, climb up and through a cargo net tower to a sand pit, dig up a hatchet and chop through a rope to release a box.

The three that win will take the truck and deliver the box, which is chock full of school supplies, to a Fijian school. They will also be towing a mobile school office, because we gotta give the sponsor some good product placement and show how much the BABMFT can haul. There they will picnic with the happy Fijian kids.

So who gets the truck? There will be a hatchet throwing contest to determine that. The winner also gets to send someone to Exile Island.




The teams: Stacy, Boo and Yau-Man; and Dreamz, Cassandra and Earl.

Survivors ready? Go!

I think Yau-Man is totally sandbagging this, because he falls on the see-saws again and again and again. He's even sneaking peeks at the other team while he does it. Sneaky Yau-Man!

So Earl's team reaches the cargo nets first. When Yau-Man's team *finally* gets there, Boo is literally dragging them through the nets -- he could be doing this challenge alone, with 250 pounds attached to his waist.

Earl's team hits the sand first. Did anyone tell them they had to dig? Cassandra -- hell, I don't know what Cassandra's doing, and Dreamz is just throwing sand into the air. They suck at *digging* so bad that Boo and his dead weight have time to get through the nets, dig up the hatchet (and Boo's the one that finds it) and win reward.

Boo celebrates -- everyone else looks kinda pissed. I think they might have to jump on his back to make him lose.



On to the hatchet throwing! Cut two ropes first -- win the BABMFT. Stacy sucks at throwing hatchets almost as bad as the other team sucked at digging. Boo cuts a rope. Yau-Man cuts a rope. Boo misses. Yau-Man hits -- he's got mad skilz, yo. And now he's got a BABMFT.



Jeff starts to congratulate him, but Yau-Man interrupts and says he wants to try to make a deal. With the BABMFT. OMGWTFBBQ?

Wow -- that was a lot of random letters, wasn't it?

Yau-Man asks Dreamz how badly he wants the truck. Bad. So here's the deal Yau-Man offers -- he'll give Dreamz the BABMFT, and if Dreamz wins Immunity at Final Four, he'll give it to Yau-Man.

Dreamz doesn't event think about it -- he just agrees. "I promise to God," Dreamz says. Ah heck ... I hate it when these jokers start swearing on the Bible or their kids.

Probst clarifies the deal, and emphasizes that this is a favor for a favor -- CBS isn't going to step in and enforce it. It's in the rules that you can't split the million bucks with another player, so I expect the producers are covering their butts on this one. Yau-Man and Dreamz both agree, even to that if one of them is gone before F4, Dreamz still gets to keep the truck.



This could be a really good move for Yau-Man. It's likely that Boo and Stacy are leaving next, and Cassandra and Dreamz are going to be hot to get rid of Yau-Man. This could give him a huge advantage. I also think a little Asian computer geek would look ridiculous driving that BABMFT, and he knows it.

Also -- giving a brand new truck to a formerly homeless guy? That's gotta give you some karma points somewhere.

So now Dreamz is going to the picnic with Boo and Stacy, but Yau-Man still gets to send someone to EI. And he picks ... himself. Damn -- he is a playa! Nobody else is getting a clue to the HII, boyeee!

On EI, Yau-Man explains that Earl had been there too many times already, and Cassandra couldn't cut it. So he came himself. And he's pretty happy about being able to give the truck to Dreamz, too, and give him a chance to change his life.

But he's a playa, so yeah, this was his way of getting rid of Dreamz at F4 -- if Dreamz sticks to his word. Yau-Man gets the clue to the HII, which pretty much draws a danged map to it, and says he'll share it with Earl.



Dreamz gloats over the truck he "won." Thankfully, they're not letting him drive it, because while Dreamz crashing the sucka would be the height of comedy, I think the insurance guys would be cranky.

The happy little schoolchildren come running out in a scene that looks really staged, like the teachers had been coaching them to pretend they're happy to see the dumb Americans. Probst is there too, and if he's wearing a version of the school uniform, he's been on this game too danged long, and needs to retire ... pronto.



Stacy gets the "it was so life changing" to see the native kiddies edit. And the mobile school looks like a great place for the teachers to take a smoke break, with a computer and what looks like a version of the couch from Camp Hilton.

Dreamz talks about how the supplies are a "step up" for the kids, just as the truck is a "step up" for him. And with an almost audible pop, Dreamz gets it. He realizes what Yau-Man got out of the deal. And all of a sudden, his bad-ass truck isn't so bad ass.

The two brain cells rattling around in Dreamz's head run into one another and realize that getting rid of Yau-Man before the F4 is his best chance.



Back from commercial, Earl's off hunting for the HII. Dreamz is talking to Cassandra, and he's actually surprised that Earl's looking for it. Guess those brain cells are all worn out.

Dreamz tells Cassandra that the truck was a strategy move, and that's a surprise to *no one.* There are lizards that have figured this out already. Hell, Lisi could have figured it out already. He says he could buy twelve cars with a million bucks, but that would make each of those cars worth $83,333, and I'll bet the insurance would be hell.

In Confessional, Dreamz says that even though he might have made a bad deal, he'll keep his word, because he's a man of his word and he wants to set a good example for his son.

So Dreamz says the only thing to do is get rid of Yau-Man before the Final Four, which seems fair enough. And if Earl gets in the way, Dreamz says he'll get rid of him too, which could be kinda hard, when you've only got two votes on your side and there's six people left in the game.

Cassandra ... OMG, Cassandra can say something besides "mmmm-hmmmm"? Shocker! Anyway, Cassandra says offing Yau-Man is tempting, because he's going to be really tough to beat in the final jury vote, but Boo's a bigger physical threat. So she's torn.



Immunity challenge time!

Yau-Man comes back from EI, and Probst pushes Dreamz to talk about the truck. Dreamz says it's totally awesome and thanks Yau-Man, who looks genuinely happy. Awwww.

The Jeff explains the challenge. On platforms in the ocean, the Survivors will toss a ball attached to a rope into a hoop to pull down a balance beam. From there, they'll cross to the finish. The first four will move on and do it again, with the first two to cross moving into the final round. They'll once again lower a balance beam, then move onto another beam to a small perch. Balancing on that perch, they will use a grappling hook to fish for a buoy. The first one to raise their buoy wins Immunity.

Dreamz gets the first beam down almost immediately, followed by Boo, Earl and Yau-Man. Cassandra actually chucks her ball and rope into the ocean -- she sucks so bad, she shoulda stayed back at camp.

In the next round though, Dreamz has trouble with the ball, and Boo and Yau-Man move on. Boo walks away with the victory and wins Immunity again, and no one looks happy about it but Boo.



Boo says he's "totally stoked" to win, especially because he's come to the realization that he was on the chopping block. If the rest of the tribe had just talked at the well, he woulda known so much earlier!

Earl and Yau-Man take a walk, and Yau-Man shares the clue to the HII. Yau-Man leaves, Earl goes HII hunting again, and in the hollow of a pine tree finds another turtle. He's a happy camper.

Earl shows Yau-Man the HII, and Yau-Man says that two HIIs and his deal with Dreamz should get them through to the finals.



But Dreamz is off talking to Stacy, saying that Earl and Cassandra want to take him and Yau-Man to F4, so she's outta luck -- unless they vote out Yau-Man now. It's a good deal for her, and she knows it, but she asks him how many votes he's got and he says two -- him and Stacy.

Then Cassandra arrives on the scene, and Dreamz is begging her to help. He mentions that every single plan he's come up with has gone wrong, and hey -- I can argue with the truth. But is he counting "run back and forth between the alliances like an idiot" as one of his plans?

Cassandra sees the advantages of getting rid of Yau-Man, but if he uses his HII and it doesn't work, she's screwed the pooch with Earl and Yau-Man, and the only person left in her corner will be Dreamz. Not a great position to be in.

Stacy takes Earl aside, and I think "OK, she's gonna tell him" but no! She totally feeds him a line about how she knows she going and has no hard feelings and yadda yadda. Earl says it's nice that Stacy is "going down with dignity," and am I a bad person if I think that phrase is really funny?



Yau-Man asks Dreamz if the plan is to vote Stacy out, and Dreamz is officially the worst liar in Survivor history. Yau Man says that although the plan is to get rid of Stacy, he's watching very carefully to see what's going on.

Dreamz tells Yau-Man he's changed a man's life, and ... you know, that sounds like a "you've changed a man's life, so don't feel bad about the knife in your back" speech.

Yau-Man tells Earl he's got bad vibes, but Earl waves him off. Listen to him, Earl!



At Tribal, Dreamz says *again* that he's "a man of his word," and gets a laugh out of the Horse Boys on the jury bench. He vows to win Immunity at F4 and give it to Yau-Man. For his part, Yau-Man says he expects Dreamz to keep his word, but that he knows by making the deal he's put a huge target on his back. But he's happy to have given Dreams the truck. "That's my big heart, I let him have the car." Awwww.

Boo doesn't care who has an HII -- he's got the tacky Immunity necklace, and that's all that matters.

Jeff asks Earl about someone making a "million dollar blunder" and not using the HII when they need it. That sneaky Probst -- is he giving Yau-Man clues? Stacy says she's nervous, because she came to the alliance late and ... well, let's be blunt. No one likes her. Dreamz babbles something about getting rid of him before he can help Yau-Man, but this guy's verbal spewage is giving me a headache. I need a "Dreamz to English" translation service.

Stacy says she thinks everyone's trying to play nice, but that there will be a split vote tonight. Thank you Stacy -- you may have snowed Earl earlier, but now you've told Yau-Man your plan.

Everyone votes, and Probst says if anyone wants to play an HII, now is the time. I hold my breath until ... yes! Is that a turtle Yau-Man, or are you just happy to see me? Yau-Man is safe from the vote.

And it's a damn good thing too, because he got four votes. Those are tossed out, leaving Stacy, with two, to go to Loser Lodge. Bye!



Next week: Dreamz or nightmare?

View the whole article suckas

Survivor: A Smile, Velvet Gloves and a Dagger in My Pocket

That episode title sounds like something you'd pay extra for in TJ.

Back from tribal, and Earl's pissy because the Syndicate's split vote allowed Alex to off Mookie. He says that he won't allow anyone to talk him into something he doesn't want to do again, with a "cross me and I'll off ya" vibe. He also sends Boo to break up a conversation between Stacy and Alex.

Earl might be getting into this godfather role a little too much.

For his part, Alex is just happy his slimy ass survived another vote. He says the Syndicate are stressing out and he's gonna go all ninja, laying low and watching the tension rise.

Apparently, doing anything to save himself is not part of Alex's grand plan. Have I mentioned yet that Alex sucks?

The next morning, Yau-Man is asking Earl about putting Stacy in the top four -- she's physically weaker and nobody likes her, making her a great person to take along with you.

Dreamz thinks the top four should be him, Cassandra, Earl and Yau-Man, but why in the hell are we concerned with what he thinks? He's gone all paranoid about how anyone who's not him is a threat, and I half expect him to pull out a shiv.

And Cassandra ... well, if she does that "mmmmm hmmm" thing one more time, I'm gonna reach into the TV and tear out her vocal cords. She's also whining because Yau-Man is playing to win, but I fail to see why that's a problem. Isn't *everyone* playing to win at this point? There's a million bucks on the line, woman!

OK ... who in pie thought up this reward challenge?



There's big hunks of pork hanging from ropes. The Survivors have five minutes to rip chunks of meat off, and then spit them into waiting plates -- you can't use your hands. Person with the most meat wins a helicopter ride, with a river-rafting trip and a big picnic. They also get an advantage in the Immunity Challenge and the chance to send someone to Exile Island. The second and third-runners up will get to go on the river rafting trip too.

The key to this challenge is to work with a partner -- one holds the meat steady with a shoulder, the other bites off a chunk. Everyone teams up except Alex, who can't get anyone to handle his meat for him.



This is bizarre and feral and I can't help but imagine what would have happened if Lisi had been here. Faceplant's mouth is big enough that she would have swallowed the pigs whole.

At the end of five minutes, Boo wins with 8.9 pounds of meat, followed by Yau-Man and Dreamz. Boo proves his loyalty to the Syndicate by sending Earl to EI to find a clue to the Hidden Immunity Idol. I'm not sure why Earl looks pissed.



Yau-Man's happy to get his first helicopter ride and see a place that's like the island where he grew up. Dreamz is cranky about having to share the reward with Boo, and complains that Boo talks to damn much.

Let that irony soak in for a minute: Dreamz is complaining that someone else talks too much.



Everyone enjoys the river rafting -- Boo says it's beautiful, Dreamz says he would have rather brought his family along. Yeah, that's great and all, but it's Survivor -- you wanna bring a friend, apply to The Amazing Race.



At the picnic, Boo, Yau-Man and Dreamz get letters from home. Boo reads about how everyone in his family is "eatin' good" with cheesy fiddle music in the background. They are playing this hick angle this episode!

Yau-Man's daughter got a B in Algebra, and he's frustrated -- why couldn't she have gotten a B in Spanish or something. Yau-Dad is hecka cute -- you just want to hug him.



Blech. Dreamz is tearing up and playing the homeless card again. Shut up, Dreamz! I'm tired of hearing how you've got to win this game because no one in your family is gainfully employed.



Earl's happy again -- he's got another clue to the location of the HII. It's in a tree near one of the paths at the Bula Bula camp, and he thinks he can find it.

Back from the reward, Dreamz and Yau-Man complain about Boo being a Chatty Cathy. Stacy starts bitching about Boo, too, and Alex jumps in, eager to crack on anybody who's not named Alex.

Alex pulls Dreamz aside and tells him that if Boo doesn't win Immunity, he'll help to vote him off first. I'd be more sarcastic, but this is the first decent play Alex has made all game. Then again, he's talking to Dreamz, who probably won't remember the conversation for more than two minutes.

Then Alex gets the standard "I've got to win this Immunity" confessional. There's a shocker -- winning Immunity allows you to stay in the game longer.



Immunity challenge time!

Boo opens his bag to reveal three climbing steps -- his advantage is that he doesn't have to participate in the first half of this challenge.

The rest of them will dig in the sand for their climbing steps. First two to find them move onto the finals with Boo, where they will use the steps to climb a 12-foot pole and grab a flag. First person to the flag wins Immunity.

Cassandra and Stacy are barely moving any sand, and Earl isn't working very hard either -- pathetic. Can't you even try? Dreamz finds his three steps quick. Yau-Man finds a step, and he's tossing all his sand into Alex's path. Alex starts tossing sand back at Yau-Man, and he finds a step.

Since they're the only two people interested in actually attempting this challenge, everyone watches them dig until Alex finds his third step and makes it into the finals.



Alex, Boo and Dreamz will place their climbing steps into pole slots to help them scale their poles. Boo jumps to an early lead. Alex abandons the steps and starts working the pole with his body, wriggling towards the top. He slips and can't reach the top.

Dreamz tries shimmying up the pole too, but Boo actually uses the danged steps, calmly reaches the top and wins Immunity.



Alex says he's not going to beg to stay -- he's gonna wait and the "appropriate people" will come to him. Yeah -- and monkeys might fly out of your butt. Pack your bags, slimeball.

Cassandra tells Alex she's sorry he's going, and he jumps on it, saying that they should blindside Yau-Man now and take him out before he can use his HII. Cassandra is considering it, and Dreamz and Stacy say they'll do anything she tells them to do.

But Earl's not buying Alex's argument that unless the Syndicate votes out Yau-Man, they'll have to start turning on each other. "I'd rather just vote your ass off now. I'll risk it."

Earl says Yau-Man is safe, because he's been winking at Dreamz and Cassandra. Uh ... OK? Dreamz doesn't want to vote out Alex, because Alex is his friend. WTF? When did that happen?

Cassandra makes that "Yau-Man is playing to win" comment again, and says that if they're going to blindside him, they have to keep Earl out of the loop too. I start to worry about my favorite old guy.

At Tribal, Probst clues in Yau-Man to the dissention in the ranks by asking if he can trust the Syndicate or is this the week for one of the six to go. Yau-Man tells Jeff that one might turn, two might turn, but three would be nearly impossible, so he thinks he is safe.

Alex says he's going to fight to stay in the game ... by sitting around all quiet and ninja like. Whatever.

Yau-Man does *not* use the HII. Oh noes!

... But it doesn't matter, because no one flips and Alex is gone. See ya, Horse Boy!



Next week: Let's make a deal.

View the whole article suckas

Survivor: Blackmail and Betrayal

Coming back from the Tribal that revealed the Horse Boys as Jackasses, Mookie and Alex come to the brilliant conclusion that Dreamz screwed them. They also realize that they're Dead Survivors Walking.

Gee, ya think?

Dreamz bitches to Stacy about not being told about the vote switch. Stacy manages to convince him that they had to be sure Alex wasn't feeding him "misinformation," but somehow I think that any information that Dreamz gets into his skull becomes misinformation of one type or another. Stacy gets Dreamz to buy this line of B.S., to the point where he says it was a good idea.

Earl gloats about booting Edgardo, and says the power is on the Syndicate's side now. Don't get too comfortable, Earl, or you'll start getting the Evil Edit.

Stacy's happy that she doesn't have to stress, and states the obvious -- Alex and Mookie's days are numbered. "They'll be lucky if they get fed," she snarks, and oh, there's the French press bitch we all learned to dislike. I knew she was in there somewhere.

The next morning, the Horse Boys are still bitching about Dreamz, and say that he should at least come over and apologize. Yeah, because if he does that, you're not going to jump his shit?

Interestingly enough, in a minute or so, Dreamz does wander over, wondering why he can't hang with the Horse Boys no more. So Mookie and Alex jump his shit, accusing him of screwing them over. Dreamz claims they were *all* outwitted, but then admits to voting for Mookie, which causes the Horse Boys to melt down again.

OK, I tried to listen to Dreamz's explaination. Twice. It didn't make sense. I'm not even sure it was in my native language. He needs more subtitles.

Dreamz says in confessional that he lied to the Horse Boys about being outwitted, because he needs their votes in the end game. Dreamz makes my head hurt. He's either one of the best Survivor players ever or the African-American Rainman.



Reward challenge time!

The Survivors will be split into two teams. One person in each team will be on a platform launching balls from a big rubber band. The rest of the teams will be on a big muddy field, trying to catch the balls in a "catch basket." First team to catch five wins reward, which is a big basket of product-placement bath and body goodies, and a night in a luxury spa to enjoy them.

Our teams: Orange is Yau-Man, Boo, Cassandra and Mookie. Green is Alex, Stacy, Earl and Dreamz.

Yau-Man launches long. Stacy holds her ball a bit and it bounces in and out of Earl's basket. Boo outgrabs Dreamz to score, and Mookie catches Stacy's ball to put Orange up 2-0.

Someone rags on Earl about missing, and he says "I am physical -- it's the placement of the balls." You know, that statement could be taken entirely the wrong way.

It's all about the balls, baby.

Buncha people miss, and Cassandra's got Earl in a choke hold. Dang, girl! Earl complains to Probst, who says it's up to them to decide how physical to get. Game on!

Dreamz scores for Green. Next toss, Alex and Boo are in a push fight when Boo slips and starts screaming in pain. He can't stand up, and he's rolling around in the mud and grunting that it's his ACL -- ouch!



Probst calls for the medic. Boo stands up, moves the knee around a little and you can actually hear a pop. Owie, owie, owie -- I hate watching stuff like this! He bounces around some more and declares himself ready to play. Boo is hecka hardcore!

Alex makes a point of knocking Boo out of the way of the next ball. Asshat. Dreamz scores. Mookie scores. Dreamz scores -- we've finally found something he's good at.

Stacy shoots one toward Alex, who's tripped from behind by Cassandra. All she's doing is kicking ass! Mookie scores.

Mookie's ragging on Yau-Man to fire the balls his way. Yau-Man shoots a ball at him, but Alex catches it to tie the game.

Boo misses. Dreamz catches *another* ball to win for Green. He rocked this challenge.



Poor hurt Boo gets sent to Exile Island because "he's been living the life of luxury," but I think it was so he could get a chance to find the Hidden Immunity Idol.

Boo's clue (giggle) is that the HII is on Bula Bula's beach, near a single tree and easy to find. Boo admits his knee hurts like hell and that he's nearing heat exhaustion.



On the seaplane to the spa, Alex says he's going to try to "wriggle" back into the alliance. When were you *in* the alliance, idiot?

Everyone soaps up, gets foot massages and has a big dinner. Fun, fun, fun.



Stacy says it's awkward having Alex hanging around. Alex starts talking himself up, saying what a gentleman he is and how he isn't showboating -- if he ever had anything to showboat about, that is.

Stacy snarks "sometimes" in response. She really is a bitch!

Alex asks Earl what the voting order is, but Earl ain't talking. Alex says he thinks Mookie wants to go, and Earl says that’s why he might not go first, because he wants to go first. Nice!



They head back to camp the next morning, and Mookie's bitching about how they smell like apples and strawberries and how he doesn't want to hear about their reward. Mookie hates everyone who ain't Mookie.

Mookie theorizes to Dreamz that Yau-Man has an HII, because Yau-Man hangs around camp a lot and has had time to look for one. Good guess!

So when Yau-Man goes fishing, Mookie and Alex rummage through his stuff and find the HII. That ain't nice! How would you like it if someone was pawing your stinky boxers?

Stacy and Cassandra toast a "long and prosperous" game with pineapples. Do we have a hidden secondary alliance?

Mookie and Alex wander right past Stacy and Cassandra, who duck into hiding. And Mookie's got a plan -- they wait until Tribal, and ask Yau-Man if he's got the HII. When he says no, they force him to turn out his pockets. When people see the HII, they'll get all upset and stuff, and the Horse Boys will get to stay.

What?? I've seen underwear gnomes with better plans!!!

Alex talks about how good it's going to be to go out swinging. Key words in that sentence -- go out. You're still gonna lose, and you still suck.

Stacy shifts and snaps a branch -- yep, just like in a cheesy movie. Whoops!

Alex think he's screwed ... again.

But since he's proven himself to be a sexist, stupid asshat on national television, and he's got other problems outside of that, he should appreciate any screwing he gets.

Stacy admits she and Cassandra couldn't hear what the Horse Boys were saying. Ha!

Plan B! The Horse Boys corner Yau-Man and ask if he wants to tell everyone he's got the HII or if he wants them to do it. Yau-Man's a cool customer, though, and he doesn't get rattled. He tells them to do what they think they've gotta do. Mookie tries to intimidate him, which just makes him even *more* sucktastic, but Yau-Man calmly says he doesn't think it's going to change the game anyway.

Yau-Man tells Stacy the Horse Boys are trying to "blackmail" him. Stacy gets hecka pissed that Mookie and Alex went through Yau-Man's stuff and runs to tell the others. Everyone gets cranky at the invasion of privacy.

Earl's laughing because he realizes that no one's focusing on the fact that Yau-Man has an HII, but he would have liked the information to stay a secret for longer. Dreamz bitches that anyone with an HII is dangerous, so he, Cassandra and Stacy will be on a different level. Poor Boo. Why does no one remember Boo?



Immunity challenge time! I could go into a long, complicated explanation of this game, but they're basically playing Battleship.

Dreamz and Boo choose the exact same squares, with Earl sharing two of them. Weird.

Dreamz fires first, hiting *himself,* Boo and Earl. Way to go, Brainiac. Cassandra hits Yau-Man and herself too -- did someone explain how to play this game to them?

Mookie hits Earl, but not himself. Way to go! Earl hits Alex, Cassandra and Mookie.
Yau-Man hits Boo, Dreamz and Earl, knocking Earl out and making it clear where Boo and Dreamz's last square is. Stacy hits it to knock them both out of the game.

Alex fires a miss. Cassandra whiffs. Mookie knocks out Cassandra.

Yau-Man hits Mookie and Stacy. Alex misses again. Stacy picks a square that was already chosen and misses. Mookie hits Alex, and then gets knocked out by Yau-Man.

Alex hits Yau-Man -- his first hit! Stacy knocks both Yau-Man and Alex out, winning Immunity. She then gets confused and tries to wear the Immunity necklace as an oversized belly ring.



Back at camp, Alex and Mookie chow down on fruit and pout. Alex says he's going out swinging (again), and that he's going to be totally honest (that'll be a first) and point out that people like Yau-Man can't be trusted (WTF?)

Dreamz tells Earl that Mookie should go. Earl points out that Mookie's checked out mentally, and Alex is the bigger threat. Dreamz insists Alex can't win immunity, but there's luck involved. See Stacy and her new belly ring.



Sigh. Boo, I want to love ya, but ... did you hurt your head and not your knee? Boo insists to Earl that Mookie or Alex could have found the rehidden HII, even though Boo's got the only clue.

For some unknown reason, Cassandra and Stacy buy the line of bull, and want to split the vote -- giving Alex and Mookie three votes each. Tie, and then vote out Alex if no HII is played.

Earl and Yau-Man agree this plan is *dumb,* but they agree to it to make the Syndicate happy.

At Tribal, Alex says the physical reward challenge showed how hard people are willing to play, and that the snakes and rats have come out.

Sue Hawk wants her twenty bucks, damnit!!

Mookie whines that there were two alliances, but that the Horse Boys were taken out by backstabbing and trickery. He feels like an outsider. Awww, poor baby.

That coulda been the end of it, but then Mookie keeps babbling and says the Horse Boys could have found a way out of their plight when they "found" the HII in Yau-Man's bag.

Probst does his best wide-eyed shocked face. "You *found* it?" Then he snarks that Mookie and Alex are about as "snaky-ratty" as you can get. Ha!

Yau-Man says his privacy was invaded, but it doesn't matter, because he won't have to use the HII for a few rounds, anyway. Probst tries to push him on that, but Yau-Man is smarter than Probst and he knows it.

Time to vote. So much for going down swinging?

OMGWTFBBQ? Is that Alex voting for Mookie? Smell ya later, Mook!



Next week: Molesting chickens for fun and profit.

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