Tales of Overheard Conversation - No Woman No Cry

I haven't done one of these in awhile, but it's summer and I was recently reminded of something that really pisses me off to no end. Seriously, what I'm about to describe drives me absolutely batshit and I'm going to end up hurting someone because of it. It's bugged me ever since high school, more often in college, and most recently in any shithead type of restaurant or bar that tries to create an unrealistic mood through music. Alright here's the scene; alcohol is flowing freely, it's a summer night, a Jimmy Buffett song fades out, and you start to hear the organ fade in. It's Bob Marley's "No Woman, no Cry". Classic song. Everyone knows it by heart. You yourself probably bought "Legend" as you were discovering reggae music or trying to impress that cute guy/girl that smoked a lot of weed. Somewhere in the middle of the chorus your bound to hear this type of bullshit, more likely than not from a group of guys wearing bleached out baseball caps and Tevas.

Truer words have never been spoken, man. Fuck them bitches.

GAHHHH!!! I hate those non-contextual comprehending fucks that think "No Woman, no Cry" is Bob Marley lamenting about his rasta chick problems. As if "No Woman, No Cry" means that if you remove women from your douchebag equation, that you will no longer be sad. Have they ever even listened to the song? I'm sure they have because most of these fuckos are singing along for fuck's sake!!! For those of you who have no clue what I'm talking about here are the lyrics to the song Now after reading the lyrics, how is it possible that anyone who has completed the fourth grade could think that this is a pity party song about a getting your heart broken? Think about it, Bob Marley was too cool for that shit. If his woman was actin' up he wasn't gonna get all pussy-like and start whining. Fuck! If he were having girl troubles, he would have just gone outside blazed up a doobie, taken his guitar, thought about some history, and plucked out another perfect song to go with your hash.

By the way, you trifilin' motherfuckers who misunderstand "No Woman, No Cry", your woman probably dumped your ass because you're a dumbshit! Did you think the background singers were singing "everything's gonna be alright" to you? Get the fuck outta here you emotard! It's about a guy telling his woman not to be sad. Seriously, Bob Marley might have 99 Problems, but his bitch ain't one.

Tags: Music, Tales of overheard conversation

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Tales of Overheard Conversation - A catch phrase deferred

Okay, this anecdote was actually told to me over the phone a few years ago by a buddy of mine who lives in Austin...no not Austin, Kansas...Austin, Texas mofos! I was reminded of this the other day and I had to put it in Tortilla Chips and Milk. The story goes, he was out on 6th Street and he was passing these two guys. They apparently had just parked and one guy was trying to lock his car up while the other guy was doing that thing where he realizes EVERYTHING in his pockets needed to be emptied and reassessed for whether or not it should be left in the car.

The guy must have been wearing cargo pants or something because he was continually handing his friend keys, wallet, cel phone, PDA, etc. Anyway the friend had finally had enough and blurted out:

DUDE! I am not the MAYOR of your SHIT!!!!

When he told me this over the phone we both agreed that this was the greatest phrase used EVER! We discussed the versatility of said phrase for about an hour. Whiny friend bringing you down incessantly with their problems? I am not the Mayor of your shit. Someone needs you to run an errand for them? I am not the Mayor of your shit. Someone tries to involve you in their personal affairs? I am not the Mayor of your shit. And so on...

Since it was coming from a trendy city, we both watched and waited for "I am not the Mayor of your shit" to seep into the culture. Sadly, it never did. I say it's time we change things, yo!

Tags: Tales of Overheard Conversation

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Tales of Overheard Conversation

Okay, I was walking across the street in the Haight (Haight-Ashbury section of San Francisco) with a friend of mine. We had just finished laying on the hill in Golden Gate Park listening to a percussion circle and unsuccessfully trying to spot anyone selling magic brownies for about an hour or two. That experience must have heightened my perception. The repeated cadence of the drums combined with peeking over the shoulders of several Generation Tech Hippies might have created an extra-sensory ability or something, because on a normal day I would have never caught this moment so vividly.

In the middle of the crosswalk, walking in the opposite direction were a guy and a girl in their early twenties bickering back and forth. As they passed us, I heard this piece of wisdom from the guy:

"... yeah, but at least I wouldn't have to live the rest of my life being known as the pussy who didn't have the balls to jump off the motherfucking cliff"

As we got to the other side of the street, my friend and I, in unison, gave each other the "What the fuck?" and "Dude..no way" sequence of looks. Now you don't have to be Billy Dee Williams* to figure out what was said a few seconds before. First of all, obviously, the guy had done or was going to do something stupid with his friends and the girl was nagging him. Seriously, have you ever walked by a nagging couple? It shoots off this aura of nag that can make even innocent bystanders cringe. There's an 92% chance that the exchange went like this:

Girl: So if all of your friends were going to jump off a cliff, you'd jump too?
Guy: Yeah. (can be interchanged with "Bet", "Sho' nuff", "Word, booty!", "Yup, yup!" or "Dern, tootin'!")
Girl: ...but you'd be dead ____ (insert pejorative term insulting the guy's intelligence)

Now the friend I was with was my mentor of sorts and we came up with the following:

The guy? In one word...Awesome! Seriously, that response rolled off of his tongue so naturally and he said it with such conviction that he either had used that response before, or had it cocked, ready, and waiting to be used. He probably came up with the response when he was caught in an "aura of nag" once. There's a reason that women should never come at guys with these seemingly unbeatable cliched argument openings. It's because we're ready for it. Chances are what is going to come out of our mouths in response is approximately 8.37 times dumber than the dumbest response you could ever fathom. Don't believe me? Reread the block quote again. Why do you think that guys have arguments like "Dude" or "Come, on man" with a lot of gestures and head nods? You don't waste your time with leg sweeps and crane kicks when you know that the other guy is just gonna Cobra Kai your ass.

The girl? If it was a friend, depending on the girl she was either 100% sure to be sleeping with him soon or he would never ever get into her pants. Either way, any middle ground was blown to smithereens with that exchange. If it was a girlfriend? They would have the same argument two and a half years later followed by this question: "You're never going to change are you?" Naturally, he'd be ready for that one too.


*yes, I am fully aware that Billy Dee Williams is not well known for any role in which he played a character with detective skills. It's just that every once in a while you gotta give it up for Lando Calrissean, yo!

Tags: Tales of Overheard Conversation

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