Lost: Not In Portland

OK, OK, so I'm late. Sue me. I'll catch up when I can.

Not like I was reviewing that "Grease" show, or anything ...

Flashback opening!

Juliet sits on a beach, looking all misty-eyed and deep in thought. I'm already bored. Seriously, I could think of characters I'm *less* interested in than Juliet, but it's a pretty short list.

Not the best way to start the season again after a multi-month hiatus.

So Jules walks down a long hallway, and who does she pass but Ethan? Hmm -- that boy is everywhere!

She heads into a room where a woman in an "I've got cancer" headscarf is sleeping. The woman wakes up, and Juliet harasses her about sleeping with candles burning, which is a pretty dumb thing to do. Juliet says something about "we don't have to keep doing this," and gives the woman a shot in her tummy.

Woman complains that Juliet is a lousy doctor, and Juliet says she's not her doctor, she's her sister. Juliet wants the woman, Rachel, to come live with her, but Rachel says she likes the beach. Juliet says that in Miami, everything is on the beach.

Back in the Others Operating Theater and Zoo, the machines hooked up to Ben go beep, beep, beep. Jack's talking to Kate on the radio. He tells her she's got about an hour, and to take Sawyer and go. Kate whines, and we get to hear all about that damn story Jack told her on the beach and "I can't leave without you!" again. Drama queens.

In the cage, Sawyer punches Danny. Another guy puts a gun to Kate, making him the 50th person on the Island to do so. He wins free car washes for a year. Then Tough Kate makes a guest appearance and knocks the gun out of his hand and elbows him to the ground.

In the operating room, Zeke orders Juliet to fix what Jack did to Ben. Jack says she can't -- she's not a surgeon. Juliet pulls off her surgical mask and says he's right.

Back at the zoo, Sawyer beats the pie out of Danny, until Kate pulls him off and says its time to go. Sawyer smacks Danny off the shock button until he starts to convulse, then he and Kate lock Danny and the other guy in the cage and run away.

Zeke asks Juliet for suggestions. She tells him to get Danny and a couple of other guys and go round up Kate and Sawyer -- kill them, if they have to. Jack says if they do that, he'll let Ben die. Juliet says he won't.

Flashback!

Juliet's going into a restricted research center at Miami Central University. It's obviously after hours -- no one else is around and most of the lights are off.

She gets a phone call (we find out her last name is Burke) from someone who wants to confirm her appointment tomorrow. Someone named Dr. Alpert is very anxious to meet her.

Juliet sneaks into a lab and starts to take some vials. She hides when the door opens and the light comes on. A man and a woman enter, and start to make out -- "Want to see my cellular centrifuge?" must be a big pickup line in Miami.

Juliet's phone rings -- hey Jules, when skulking about, put your phone on vibrate! The man comes over and catches her crawling behind cabinets. He asks why she's here and she lies and says she needed to finish some work.

Floozy pouts, and the guy, Ed, introduces her to Juliet, his ex-wife. He asks Juliet to turn out the lights as she leaves.

In the operating room, Juliet tells Jack that his plan can't work, because they're not on the Island, they're on a smaller one nearby. Zeke backs her up. She wants to negotiate, but Jack's all "how come you wanted me to kill Ben?" Juliet tells Zeke Jack's full of it, but Zeke orders her to leave the operating room. As she leaves, Juliet tells Zeke that Jack will never let a patient die.

Danny wakes up, and random Other guy lets him and the guy Kate beat up out of the cage.

Kate and Sawyer run like bunnies through the jungle, and reach the edge of the island. Kate helpfully suggests they need a boat. "Yeah, and towels and a buffet lunch," Sawyer snipes. I hear ya, Sawyer -- she's not the brightest one, is she?

Kate calls Jack on the radio and says they need a boat. She's talking like she's got all the time in the world, and Saywer's trying to get her to hurry up. Jack asks Zeke how they can get off the island, but I don't think Zeke's in a helpful mood.

The radio gets knocked out of Kate's hand by a rock. Danny runs out of the jungle. Sawyer shoots at him. The two random Others have guns, and shoot back. It looks like an episode of "A-Team" -- these people couldn't hit the broad side of a barn.

The Others chase Kate and Sawyer through the jungle. Sawyer hides behind a tree and tries to shoot again, but he's out of bullets. Other guy is going to shoot Kate, but gets hit in the face by a rock. It's Alex and her Slingshot o'Doom.

Alex leads them to a little underground hidey-hole, and they watch the Others look for them.

Zeke asks Jack if the stuff about Juliet wanting Ben dead is true. Jack says it is, and that she's going to get her wish. Ben -- who since he's having MAJOR SURGERY should really be unconscious, interjects and asks to talk to Jules. Reality has just flown out the window ... again.

Flashback!

Juliet's at a computer. Floozy comes up and says Ed wants to see her in his office. Apparently, Floozy's got a new job at the research center. She must give great microscope.

Ed tells Juliet that he knows what she's up to, and he wants a cut. Her research is brilliant and ethically questionable, maybe even criminal. He'll cover up for her, but he wants half of the money and credit for the work.

Zeke tells Juliet that Ben's awake and wants to see her. Jack's a doctor, not an anesthesiologist, dammit!

Alex tells Kate and Sawyer she's got a boat, and she'll let them use it. Sawyer's suspicious -- anything good is probably a trap. Alex says they're a catch -- her boyfriend was the guy who was in the zoo way back when Sawyer was first there, and the Others are holding him hostage. Alex will give them the boat if they spring her sweetie.

Jack tells Ben he's stopped the surgery. Ben already knows -- he knows everything, remember? Jack won't leave Juliet alone with him, but Ben says if he's only got 27 minutes to live, he might as well get to talk to Jules. Jack warns Juliet not to touch Ben.

Jack watches Ben from the observation room with Zeke, who introduces himself as Tom. Bah, I'm gonna keep calling him Zeke. Ben talks, and Juliet cries. Zeke says "they've got history."

Juliet comes in and tells Jack to put Ben back under and finish the surgery. Jack wants to know why, and Juliet says that if he does, she'll help Kate and Sawyer escape.

Flashback!

Dr. Alpert from a company called Mittelos Bioscience (rearrange the letters in "Mittelos" and you get "Lost Time") is showing Juliet a happy, shiny slideshow about his company. They want her to come work for them. She doesn't know why. He asks if she successfully impregnated a male field mouse, which is quite a trick. Juliet says the mouse didn't carry to term.

Alpert shows her a slide and asks her opinion. Juliet says its a human womb, probably from a woman in her 70s. Alpert says the woman is 26, and that Juliet would have all the money and resources she would want to research the condition.

Juliet says she can't -- her ex won't let her. Alpert says they'll talk to him, but Juliet says it would only work if Ed got hit by a bus. Then she cries and leaves. Worst job interview ever.

Back in the compound, Juliet looks over Ben's televisions of wisdom until she finds Kate, Sawyer and Alex, who are sneaking up on a small house.

There is a guard out front, and Alex says his name is Aldo. She thinks her boyfriend, Karl, is being held inside. Sawyer wants to know how they're gonna get past Aldo with one gun and no bullets.

Kate gets an idea. They walk up to the house -- Kate and Sawyer have their hands tied behind their backs, and Alex has the gun pointed at them. She tells Aldo she caught them, and to open up.

Aldo's jumpy. He says Alex isn't supposed to be there, and that her dad won't like it. She bluffs and says her dad is the one who told her to bring Kate and Sawyer there, and to call him. Aldo tries to rouse Danny on the radio, but Sawyer frees his hands and whups him. Alex breaks the radio.

Yep, Aldo just fell for the Wookie prisoner bit. Doofus.

Alex wants to know where Karl is. Aldo says he doesn't know.

Kate tells Sawyer to shoot him in the knee. "What?" Sawyer says. Kate says they don't have time for this, she takes the rifle and points it to Aldo's knee. He tells them Karl is at the end of the hall, Room 23, the keys are in his back pocket. She knocks him out with the rifle.

Yes, kids, 23 is one of the magic numbers. Good catch, to those who were paying attention.

They run into the building. "Damn good con, Freckles, I almost believed you were going to shoot that boy," Sawyer says. Kate says it wasn't a con.

They force the door to Room 23 open. Karl is trapped in a bad remake of "Clockwork Orange" -- loud techno music, and a screen with words and images flashing by. He's tied up and wearing big neon blue glasses left over from Devo's 1984 tour.

Alex and Kate begin to get Karl loose, but Sawyer is mesmerized by the screen. Kate calls for help and it takes him a second to snap out of it. Sawyer carries Karl out and they leave.

Danny slaps Aldo around for being an idiot. Juliet walks up and tells Danny to let Kate and Sawyer go -- Ben said it was OK. Danny points out that Ben was in surgery, and not likely to have been making management decisions just then. Juliet says Jack won't finish unless Kate and Sawyer walk, and asks him if he wants Ben to die. He says he knows Ben would rather die than let them go, and pulls a gun. He leaves.

Flashback!

Jules tells Rachel that she's not going to take the job -- Portland is just too far away, and why should she move to do research that doesn't work?

But Rachel says the treatment *does* work -- she's preggers. They hug and cry like a Lifetime movie, and I think that getting pregnant by your sister is more than a little creepy.

Rachel's says her dream has come true -- now she's got to get healthy so she can be around as her child grows up (a sure sign she's gonna kick the bucket) and that Juliet can tell her ex to take his ethics and shove it.

Sometime later, Ed is outside, talking on his cell phone. "Because you're insufferable and you're mean. Well, you asked me for the truth, Mom."

They have so got to put that on a Hallmark card.

Juliet walks up and Ed hangs up on his mom. Jules tells him Rachel is pregnant. Ed says "Ew, you got your sister pregnant? Creepy!" Actually, he wants to look at the test data. Juliet says he can't -- she doesn't want to publish.

Ed steps out into the street and says "then why are you concerned ..." and SLAM! Ed gets creamed by a bus.

Juliet, who just got her wish, cries. Awww -- you should have asked for a pony.

Jack works on Ben, while Zeke looks sick -- apparently, he doesn't do too well with blood. Wimp.

Jack asks him why they didn't take Ben to a hospital, if they can get off the island. Why all the drama? Zeke says something about "after the sky turned purple," but is interrupted by spurting blood and beeping monitors. Apparently, Jack was so interested in his small talk that he nicked Ben's artery. Jackass.

Sawyer, Kate, Alex, and a really out-of-it Karl make it to the boat.

As they get it ready, Sawyer comments that he didn't expect Alex to be the head honcho's daughter. Really? Why do you expect they've let her run around with her Slingshot o' Doom for so long? Because the Others *like* getting pegged by rocks by a teenaged brat?

Saywer puts Karl in the boat. Karl looks up and says "Danny." Sawyer helpfully point out that his name is Sawyer, not Danny. Karl says "Danny," again, with a look like "Behind you, dumbass!"

Sawyer turns, finally, to see Danny pointing a gun at him. He walks *toward* the angry armed man who wants to kill him. Kate screams for no good reason.

Juliet, holding a gun of her own, calls out to Danny, who points the gun at her. She shoots him.

Jack tells green Zeke he's got to help with the surgery.

Juliet tells Sawyer and Kate that they can leave, but that Alex has to stay. She protests, but Juliet says that if she runs away, her father will hunt Karl down and kill him. Alex tells Karl good-bye, and Karl says he loves her.

Before Kate leaves, Juliet stops her and gives her the radio. She calls Jack, who has Zeke hold up the radio so he can chit-chat while performing delicate spinal surgery.

Kate tells Jack that Juliet is letting her and Sawyer go. All Jack wants to hear is the damn story, though, so Kate tells it. Everyone gets all misty-eyed, damned if I know why.

Jack manages by some miracle to complete Ben's surgery. He asks Kate to promise that she won't come back for him. Kate cries -- what else is new?

Later, Jack tells Juliet that the surgery was a success, and asks if he's going to get sent back to his fishbowl. She says yes, but that maybe she'll bring him a sammich later.

Jack wants to know what Ben said to make Juliet want the surgery completed. She hedges, but he pushes to know.

Flashback!

Juliet cries in the morgue. Someone approaches and gives her a tissue -- guess what? It's Ethan!

Dr. Alpert is there, too, and he introduces Ethan as one of his colleagues and says that he's sorry (snicker) that Ed got hit by a bus.

Juliet points out that she mentioned such a possibility in her interview, but Alpert plays dumb and says she can't blame herself.

Juliet wants to know why Alpert and Ethan are chilling in a morgue. Alpert tells her the job offer is still open, and that they'll make sure she's back before her sister gives birth to the creepiest baby ever.

Juliet wants to know how Alpert knows about the baby, and he smiles an evil "I know all" smile and says their recruitment process is very through.

Juliet wants to bring her sister along, but Alpert says no, that she won't be able to get the treatment she needs. Juliet points out that there are plenty of clinics in Portland, but Dr. Alpert says, "Well, we're not quite in Portland."

On the Other's island, Juliet tells Jack she's been there for three years, two months, and 28 days. Do the math, assuming a date of December 2004 (the plane crashed in 2004) and that's right around Sept. 11, 2001.

She says that Ben told her if she got Jack to finish the surgery, he'd let her go home.

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Survivor: Something Cruel Is About to Happen ... Real Soon

Welcome back, kids!

Survivor's back, and that means it's time to start making snap judgments about people we don't know! Woo-hoo!

And the twists start as soon as the show does -- nineteen people are dropped off the coast of an island in Fiji in a big outrigger canoe and told to paddle thataway.

Nineteen does not even teams make. It seems the uncertainty was too much for wimp of the week Melissa McNulty, (in the white jacket) who quit the game before filming even started! Probst has said in interviews that she flaked at the last minute and they didn't have an alternate. So the scrambling began.

Our intrepid bunch lands on the beach and pretty much acts like they are the very first people to ever discover land. Calm down people ... it's gonna be a long 39 days. Notable for idiocy early is a bartender and Boston Rob wannabe named James, who bears a decent resemblance to a young Stallone and wants to be called Rocky.

They're looking for a machete, they're looking for a note, they're looking for team flags ... and they can't find anything. Poor little castaways. But they do have *a lot* of fruit on the trees, and a cool cave. Not a bad site for a camp.

Yau Man, an older computer engineer, steps up. He grew up in Borneo, and that's Fiji without the glitz. So he's kickin' it Borneo style and peeling coconuts without a knife, which he says is an exercise in patience. This is a guy I want on my team -- he's got skills, yo.

Look out below! They're dropping boxes from the sky! Task one -- open the box.

The big beefy guys step up. They pick up the box and drop it on a rock. Then they do it again. Then they pick up the rock and smash the box with it. Box stays closed. I think these guys may have taken lessons from FrankenAdam -- Box thinks it's so smart. Smash box with rock! Arrruuugh!

Enter Yau Man, who looks to be about 150 pounds soaking wet. Yau Man picks up the box and drops it on its corner. Box pops open. It's basic physics -- the corner is the weakest part of the box.

Yau Man's got skills, yo.

Inside the box are blueprints and a map to a cache of supplies -- lumber, nails, food -- even a toilet seat. The Survivors are to work together and build a kickin' shelter.

Everyone is *very* excited about the toilet seat. And I started to mock them, but then I realized. This is Survivor -- a toilet is a serious luxury. If I were there, I'd be doing the traditional Dance to Greet the Toilet Seat too.



Sylvia, an architect, puts on the bossy pants (with some justification) to lead the construction. But between having to stop and explain words like "askew" to Rocky, Erica (a fundraiser) trying to politic and people messing around, not much gets done. The group spends their first night huddled under a little tarp in the rain.

The next day, the crew actually gets their act together and completes the shelter. It's pretty danged cool, too -- a sleeping area, kitchen and bathing/toilet area. It's so cool, I'll trade my house for it. What do you say, CBS?

Dre ... excuse me, Dreamz (with a pieloving Z!) officially is the most annoying person on the show, and possibly on Earth. First, he calls himself Dreamz. What up with that? Next, he's a cheerleading coach. Let me repeat that ... a Cheerleading Coach.

And it's day two and he's already breaking out the "pity me because I had a bad life" story. He was homeless as a kid. Maybe I'd have more sympathy if he didn't call himself Dreamz.

He also won't shut up -- ever. It's night, people are trying to sleep, and he's performing the "Dreamz is a Tool" show. Someone asks him to "simmer down," and he snaps that telling him to simmer down just adds "fuel to his fire."

OK, it would be at this point I would be kicked off the show. Because I would have been *compelled* to ask him what happens when someone tells him to Shut the Fuck Up before he gets a coconut rammed up his ass.

Instead, he and Rocky bicker like kids. Not as much fun.

Finally! The Survivors arrive at the challenge site. And hey -- there's Probst! I was wondering if he was going to be on this show! Probst wants to know who's wearing the bossy pants, and everyone points to Sylvia.

Probst tells Sylvia to split the group into two tribes, green and orange, and she splits them fairly evenly. I don't think she liked the green tribe much, though, because it got Dreamz *and* a guy who calls himself Boo.

Boo? Like Boo Radley? Boo from Monsters Inc.? A grown man that calls himself Boo??



So the green tribe, Moto, is Dreamz, Boo, Cassandra, Liliana, Stacy, Lisi, Alex, Gary and Edgardo. The orange tribe, Ravu, is Michelle, Erica, Jessica, Rita, Earl, Anthony, Yau Man, Rocky and Mookie (Mookie? WTH?). Don't worry if you don't know who most of these people are -- I don't, either.

Poor Sylvia, a woman without a tribe. Probst reveals her fate -- she's going to Exile Island, which for grins and giggles this season is loaded with poisonous sea snakes!

She'll get a clue to the location of a hidden immunity idol, and she'll join whichever tribe loses the immunity challenge after they vote someone off.

Jeff explains the challenge. Tribes will race chariots across the Fijian mud flats. Two people will ride on the chariots retrieving three bags of puzzle pieces as the other seven pull them through a quarter-mile length course. After retrieving all three bags, a player will grab a flag at the end of the course and race back to the start. There, four tribe members will solve three puzzles, revealing numbers to a combination wheel. If solved correctly, the tribe will find a knife, chop a rope and raise the tribe flag.

The winning tribe not only gets Immunity, (and a cool idol that looks like Skeletor's staff) but they go back to the kickin' cool camp. In addition to *that,* they get china, glasses, hammocks, a shower, even a couch! The losers? They get to vote someone off, *and* they get sent to another island with only a machete and a pot. Sucks to be them.

This is a *serious* reward. Break a leg, kill a puppy, do what you gotta. But Win This Challenge. It could mean the game.



Stacy and Lisi get an early lead for Moto, as Jessica (fashion stylist) can't get the knot untied on the puzzle pieces. Michelle takes over on knot duty for Ravu, and they catch up. Moto crashes -- those chariots don't exactly look stable. Ravu races to the puzzle.



OK, I don't want to stereotype or anything, but why is the computer engineer not working on the puzzle? And why are these women squinting at it like it's gonna do tricks? Moto recovers, solves their puzzle and wins the uber reward.



Exile Island sucks. There are snakes *everywhere.* There's a little tower-like shelter, and there's snakes in that too. Poor Sylvia ... I feel sorry for her.

At least she got a clue to the idol location, right? Yep -- it tells her that the idol's not on EI, and that she should look at her camp. OK, so now she's got to find some time to hunt for it without the rest of her team finding out, but at least she doesn't have to dig around the snakes.

Back at their new, crappy camp, Ravu's got lots of coconuts and some pretty scenery. That's it. Some of the people try to look at the bright side, such as it is, but Erica puts on her pissy face. I don't think I'm an Erica fan.

I'd also like to point out that that massive 'fro is cool -- now. After 39 days of no shampoo? Not so much. It might not have been the best hairstyle to wear to the island.

Rocky, Jessica and Erica make an alliance, of sorts, and target Rita for elimination. I don't know why. I don't know anything about Rita, other than her occupation is listed as "single mom." They try to sway Earl into voting for Rita, but Earl's listening to Mookie, who points out that Jessica sucked at the challenge (couldn't untie the rope, couldn't solve the puzzle) and that maybe she's the weakest link, so goodbye.

Rocky, Jessica and Erica hear Jessica's on the block, but Rocky assures them that none of them are going to be voted off, because they have an alliance. Yeah. An alliance of three. In a tribe of nine. Yo Adrian! Come do the math for Rocky -- it's obvious something's not adding up.

After a Tribal Council that was extremely boring because no one really had anything to say about people they basically didn't know, Jessica gets booted with six votes against her. Guess that alliance wasn't the powerhouse it was advertised as.



Next week: Boo bleeds.

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Songs You Should Know: Sweep the Leg - No More Kings

Take Mr. Belding of Saved by the Bell, the cast of Karate Kid (yes, almost all of them), references to the Cars, and Raising Arizona and what do you get? How about greatest video EVER!!! I really don't want to spoil anything for you, but if you love the Karate Kid like a good TC and M reader should, you won't be disappointed. First of all the term "Sweep the Leg" is near and dear to my heart and if any phrase deserves canonization into legendary status it's that one. THIR. The video is directed by Johnny Lawrence aka William Zabka, THE greatest teen movie bad guy EVER. Cobra Kai never die. So I only have one thing to say...SCREW YOU MELON!

Here's Sweep the Leg by No More Kings

as for the song? um...it's got a really cool video!

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Songs You Should Know White Rapper Edition: Here it Comes - MC Serch

I had heard about the new reality show Ego Trip's: White Rapper Show and pretty much decided at that time that I woould stay away. The initial promo highlighted MC Serch as the host which I thought was odd. Serch was the outspoken half of the duo 3rd Bass who took a negative stance against white rappers exploiting hip hop such as Vanilla Ice and the Beastie Boys (Though with the Beasties, the beef was probably personal) Something just didn't add up here. So on the drive home, "Kick 'Em in the Grill" from the superb 3rd Bass album Derilects of Dialect popped into my iPod "shuffle songs" playlist so I figured I would at least give the show a chance.

The show itself is standard reality format. Ten white rappers live in a house (The White House) and compete for $100,000 and a record deal with eliminations at the end of each show. After the standard cattle call sequence, which they mercifully limited to the first 10 minutes, the show was actually really f'n good. Prince Paul is also heavily involved with this show and anything that producer of Three Feet High and Rising, Prince Among Theives,and So...How's Your Girl? touches is something I've gotta watch. Oh yeah, Misfit, the Brit is hot as balls,so that's a plus

I'll have a full recap of White Rapper Show up this weekend.

So the intention of the post which started out as a call back to the old Mc Serch, is now more of a reminder how the host of White Rapper used to kick it back in the day.

"Here it Comes" - Mc Serch

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WWE Monday Night Raw: "Donald" vs. "Rosie"

Sunday night I was sitting through a pretty good New Year's Revolution PPV when out of nowhere Vince McMahon starts rambling about the feud between Donald and Rosie and how he'd love to have them settle their differences on RAW. I ignored it, but I guess everything in the WWE everything has a purpose, except of course when it comes to creating logical programs, new stars, and feuds that people want to pay to see. So here we are Monday Night Raw featuring Donald Trump "The Brash Billionaire" vs. Rosie O'Donnell "The Left-Leaning Lesbian". Yes, they actually used those terms. TV God are you there? It's me, Paj. Please let a lightening storm hit the transmitter so this doesn't air. No suck luck. So live from St. Louis, the former home of wrestling that was so sports-like that Bob Costas used to cover it, it's this bullshit.

We get our first look at "Rosie" and it's a bad lookalike. Probably an independent female wrestler who is gonna get the biggest payday of her life. So it looks like we're going the parody route here. Let's see...with Rosie there's the fat thing, the lesbian thing, the opinionated liberal thing, maybe they'll take the high road a little here and stick to the opinionated liberal thing. That's enough to get fans in the Midwest riled up it's a loud mouthed, female, liberal,New Yorker, right? Ugh, it turns out one of the items in Fake-Rosie's rider was a Carvel Fudgie the Whale Ice Cream Cake. 'Cause she's fat. And she likes fudge. Fat. Fudge. Guffaw!

Oh yeah, don't forget that she's fat and a lesbian. So here she is holding an ice cream sandwich and she's going to head into the WWE Divas' locker room. Ice cream AND fitness models. Fat AND lesbian. HAHAHA I can't stand it. She's a fat lesbian! I have pee pants now! 'Cause real life Rosie is fat and she's a lesbian! Kill. Me. Now.

Let's see, two fat jokes one lesbian joke. Oh here's the second lesbian joke. Fake Rosie checks out Maria while she's bent over. LESBIAN! Real life Rosie is a lesbian! Lesbians = Hillarity!

Okay now it's Donald Trump's turn for the WWE junior lampooning. Sure he's hosted two WrestleMania's, but this is comedy right? All's fair, yo. Let's see...there's the Ivana thing, the Marla thing, the possibly not a real billionaire thing, the shitty reality show thing, the huckster thing. Lots of targets. WWE decides to go with the...bad hair thing? That's it. Bad Hair. It's not even implied that it's a hairpiece just heavily hair sprayed hair. That's it. Hmm. If one of these two were possibly negotiating to be part of an upcoming wrestling extravaganza such as WrestleMania, which one would you guess?

On to match time! Vince McMahon actually uses the phrase "Double Chin Diva" and "Lesbionic Fury" in Fake Rosie's introduction. Ya know, just in case we forgot that she's fat and lesbian. Her entrance music is this frumpy sounding tuba music and the Titantron shows a montage of very unflattering pictures.

Donald Trump on the other hand gets the WWE Superstar treatment with the graphics and the press release quality photos. He also gets the Money Money Money, MOH-NAY song from the Apprentice. The Apprentice also gets a plug as Jim Ross let's us know that he's a fan of the show. You can bet on wrestling by the way, and I regret not having the foresight to bet on this match.

Now I've endured lots of horrible, intelligence-defaming, sights as a lifelong wrestling fan. I've sat through the Ding Dongs, a wrestler dressed like Freddy Krueger who scared the bad guys, a black wrestler named G.I. Bro, a Judy Bagwell on a pole match, an old lady who gave birth to a plastic hand, a "fat chick" thriller, David Arquette as World Champion, the Gobbledy Gooker, the American Males, Lex Luger wearing FUBU, Konnan's rap videos...I've sat through alot and not once was I ever not proud to be a wrestling fan. I'm this close...

The look a likes are obviously trained wrestlers and they put on a basic monster vs. smaller guy match. Rosie has the size advantage so she starts the match pushing Donald to the mat and mounting him with punches. They don't attribute that to the lesbian thing. She didn't try to fist him either, which is the joke I would have gone for. Donald get the upper hand though with head butts because apparently his hair is like a helmet, because it's got so much hairspray in it. Hear that clicking sound? That's the sound of Trump's legal department preparing complaints. Bad hair. BURN! Donald tries to lifter hut falls back. Because...sigh...

Now for those of you who have a low opinion of pro-wrestling/sports entertainment fans, you must know the live crowd is pretty pissed off about this. Chants such as "This match sucks", "Boring", "We want wrestling" were audibly noticeable. There was even a call for the WWE's competitor as a spirited "TNA" chant started as well. Back to the match...
Since Fake Donald can't put Fake Rosie away with a body slam he get the next best thing. Fudgie.

Yes fatty fat fake Rosie had to bring her cake to ringside which makes no sense because if she were as fat and lesbian as they made her out to be, Fudgie would be history by now. Fake Rosie gets a pretty mean shot of Fudgie to the face.

Fake Donald follows it up with a main event worthy swan dive hair butt for the win.



I really don't know what say anymore. Fake Rosie's picture pretty might as well be a picture of my soul right now. There was still an hour of Raw to air. I heard Team RKO and Shawn Michaels had a great promo segment and John Cena wrestled in the main event. I wouldn't know. I turned the channel.

Tags: WWE, Raw, Rosie, Donald

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Grease: You're the One that I Want - Premiere

Aight suckas, Grease: You're the One that I Want premiered last night and if there are two things that will keep my attention, it's cheesy competitive reality shows and Grease. I'll have to admit that I am a die-hard Grease fan. I saw the movie tons in my child hood and I've memorized the soundtrack. I can recite the soliloquy to "Sandy" on cue, and I've stared at the T-Bird jacket in numerous Planet Hollywoods. So a reality show looking to cast the next Danny and Sandy pretty much fits the Tortilla Chips and Milk criteria for reviewing. Yes, I know, I Pity the Fool was a perfect TC and M show as well. Just because it's a perfect TC and M show doesn't necessarily mean it's watchable.

Apparently this particular production of Grease will include the songs from the movie soundtrack so that's a plus. The producer of the show, David Ian, was behind the "Grease is the Word" production which I was lucky to see in London over 10 years ago. That particular production starred some short Aussie dude who played guitar as Danny and Deborah Gibson as Sandy. She shook her love in a leather cat suit and I was in the fourth row. Not saying that's a good thing, but definitely unforgettable. I'm pretty sure that's when the trend started of bucking the original Broadway score and adopting the movie songs onstage. He's one of the judges, along with Kathleen Marshall, the shows director,and Jim Jacobs the creator of Grease. So they judges aren't at all random which is a good start. The Seacrest of the show is Billy Bush and his female sidekick is an attractive, blonde, Brit named Denise Van Outen. Naturally we start out the series with the cattle call audition shows. Grease held auditions in Los Angeles, Chicago,and New York City. Tonight we start in the fame-whore capital of the world and we end the episode with the Chicago auditions.

Okay, now the cattle call shows are are the same. We get the mix of fame-whores, the ugly and untalented, and the delusional. It's fun to watch, but I'm not recapping it. Here's some notes though.

There were many, many, MANY, renditions of "Hopelessly Devoted to You" they all started from the bridge, which is a bitch to sing. The "Look at me I'm Sandra Dee" Reprise is a much safer choice, yo!

A few potential Sandys auditioned with "There are Worse Things I Could Do", which of course was a Rizzo song. IT doesn't make any sense to sing a song that isn't sung by the part you're auditioning for...but my greatest acting experience was Joe the Paperboy in 5th grade so what the hell do I know.

The censored version of "Greased Lightning" pisses me off. It's tit, cream, and pussy wagon, or nothing at all.

A few non-traditional Sandys made it through to the first cut. Olivia Newton John also stated that it would be exciting to have an African-American or Latino Sandy. I would LOVE to see a black Danny or black Sandy. Wouldn't it be awesome for them to have the balls to make that type of casting? I want my interracial Grease, dammit! Don't wait until it's blackified, like "Love Don't Cost A Thing" was the black "Can't Buy Me Love" . Not that there's anything wrong with race flipping a project, I'm currently working on a piece called White Barbershop.

The tryouts consist of singing, cuts, dancing, cuts, and then 50 get to go to Grease Academy where they will undergo dance, singing, and acting workshops. They repeatedly referred to this as "The Prestigious Grease Academy". Prestigious. To quote Andre the Giant in the Princess Bride, "You use that word a lot. I don't think it means what you think it means"

In a strange twist, the Not-Seacrest, Billy Bush, broke the plane and intervened with a judges decision. It involved a young hottie named Fawn LeDesma. Her audition was terrible but she had a great look. Billy Bush was the first to greet her off stage and offered her a hankie to boot. He was just beside himself and swore that the judges got it wrong. Yeah, the judges got it wrong. Oh, Not-Seacrest we see through your ruse! Anyway, Not-Seacrest actually goes on stage and pleads Fawn's case to the judges, who reluctantly give her another chance. Fawn gets her second chance and her voice cracks. As does Not-Seacrest's plan to get into young Fawn's pants. Nice try though Not-Seacrest. You can't fuck 'em if they aren't around.
To tell you the truth, I probably would have done the same damn thing.

The beauty of this show is that, unlike American Idol, looks do matter and the judges will be justified in eliminating the singing, dancing, and acting, triple threat dynamos if they happen to be uggos! Sandy and Danny have to be attractive and This could lead to the best looking reality competition cast ever!

They spent an hour in L.A. and only in 30 mins in Chicago. I thought that was weird even if the wannabe ratio between the two cities is probably 1000:1

The producer, David Ian, makes all the cuts with "You're..." (Pause) followed by "...not Sandy/Danny" or "...the one that we want to go to Grease Academy" . Note to reality show producers... I HATE THOSE PAUSES!!! IT'S NOT DRAMATIC, IT JUST BUILDS HATE!!!

All in all, this show looks promising. I'll definitely be watching initially , with reviews to follow. Next week is New York. See you then SUCKAS!

Tags: Grease You're the One That I Want, Grease

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Stuff I was happy to see in 2006

Just to show I'm not all about hatin', here's some of the things I thought rocked in 2006 (in no particular order):

Survivor -- A kick ass season in the Cook Islands renewed my faith and interest in the king of the reality shows. It also challenged me to come up with new and interesting ways to say Raro sucks! I can't wait for the new season.

The late, great Yacht Rock -- Thank you, Paj, for introducing me to the smooth.


Borat: Cultural Learnings of America for Make Benefit Glorious Nation of Kazakhstan -- So freaking wrong, and so freaking funny. And to all those who are suing over the movie, I say grow up, deal with it, and try not to be so stupid in front of a camera ever again. Because no one held a gun to your head and made you act like an asshat.

Deadwood -- Damn the backstage maneuvering that got this amazing HBO show cancelled. I hope we'll see the movies that will wrap up the story soon -- I don't know how long I can go without the evil genius of Al Swearengen.


The Departed -- Martin Scorcese takes a Hong Kong remake and turns it into bloody art. Leonardo DiCaprio proves he can play a grown-up. Jack Nicholson chomps on the scenery with mad brilliance. And when you have a cast so deep that Martin Sheen and Alec Baldwin are playing minor parts, it's tough to go wrong. This is one of my Oscar favorites.

Who Wants To Be a Superhero? -- I watched the first episode expecting to cringe at the horror. I was hooked by the cheesy fun of it all. Be a winner -- not a wiener!


Doctor Who -- I'm a late arrival to the Doctor Who obsession -- my first real exposure was the 1996 TV movie. I'm a huge fan of the new BBC series, and while I thought I couldn't get over the loss of Christopher Eccleston, I've been taken in by the impish charm David Tennant brings to the role. I go around constantly quoting this show (I'm the tin dog!)

"Welcome to the Black Parade" by My Chemical Romance -- Is this the "Bohemian Rhaspody" of the MySpace generation?

Casino Royale -- James Bond made relevant once more. It's nice to see a Bond that actually looks like he could kill someone, but he should never, ever, drive a Ford again.


Rome -- "Thirteen! Thirteen!" Epic in scale, ambitious in story, this show was one of the reasons I'm happy to own a TV. Heartbreaking and action-packed, I'm watching my DVDs to get psyched up for season two.

Avatar the Last Airbender -- Finally, someone in America realizes that animation does not have to mean dumbed-down writing and barf jokes. I can't believe I'm addicted to a show on Nickelodeon. Many thanks to my friend Rosebride for forcing me to sit down and watch it.

Steven Colbert at the White House Correspondent's Dinner -- Sheer brilliance. I feel sorry for all the uptight journalists that didn't get it. Get over yourselves.

I couldn't find it on YouTube, but you can see it here.

Nextwave -- Foul, funny and wild, Nextwave stomps on some of Marvel Comics most beloved cliches with glee. I know every time I pick up an issue, I'm going to be cracking up. Fing Fang Foom put you in pants!


Big Love -- What would my life be without HBO?? Another show I was skeptical about but got quickly hooked on. Who would have thought that a series about polygamists would be so quirky cool?

Heroes -- I know this list is sounding like I watch too much TV, and I probably do. But I got hooked on this new take on superheroes, which proves that epidsodic TV can have some major plot action and still keep viewers hooked. (Catch the clue, "Lost"!) And Hiro warms my geeky heart. Save the cheerleader, save the world.

Fables and Jack of Fables -- Fairy tales with a wicked, modern twist. "1,001 Nights of Snowfall" was beautiful and breathtaking. Even if you don't read comics, you should read these.


Girls -- The Luna brothers continue to push the envelope in comics. Ultra was awesome. Girls is supernatural, sexy and strange. The last few issues in its 24-issue run should be spectacular.

Democrats take Congress, Rumsfeld resigns and Nancy Pelosi takes Speaker -- I try to stay away from politics, but for a while it felt like Christmas in November.

Should be on the list but this post is too long already: Pirates of the Caribbean, Athena Voltaire, Samurai 7, X-Men 3, K-Fed getting body slammed, The Illusionist, Boondocks and The Venture Brothers

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