Lost: Enter 77

Not as much fun as last week, but still better than anything involving Super Jack.

Sawyer is chillin' on the beach, and the Lostaways extras enter carrying a ping-pong table.

Ping-pong table? Yeah, I'm confused too. Apparently Jin found it in the jungle -- it got blown out of the imploded Hatch.

Sawyer asks about the implosion explosion, but Hurley doesn't have any answers. "Look, Dude, all I know is the sky turned purple. After that I don't ask questions. I just make myself a salad and move on."

Like it makes any *less* sense than anything else on this show.

Sawyer asks Hurley if he's seen Kate. Nope, but hey -- ping-pong table!

Paulo wanders by with a magazine from Sawyer's stash. I'm convinced Paulo is an extra that just refuses to go away. Maybe a crew member who keeps randomly wandering into shots.

Sawyer's still pissy about his stash being stolen when he was off chewing fish biscuits. Paulo tells him if he wants his shit back, then come and take it.

Kate, Sayid, Locke and Rousseau have been following the directions of Eko's stick for two days. Sayid wants to stop, have a fruit snack, and re-evaluate this incredibly stupid idea.

Wandering through the jungle, Sayid hears a noise, and finds ... a cow? Like a moo cow? WTH?

Hey -- it's weird, but he may have just stumbled into what this show needs -- MORE COWBELL!!!!

Sayid hears a whistle. The cow is trained to follow a whistle? Can you train cows? Anyway, Sayid and the moo cow follow the noise and find a little farm, and a little farmhouse, and a creepy one-eyed guy. Yep -- it's Patchy.

Gee, we first saw ol' Patchy three episodes ago, and I'd already forgotten him.

Sawyer watches the Lostaway ping-pong team get ready for their first big game. One problem though -- no ball. Sawyer's got balls (ba-dum-dum) but in exchange, he wants his stash back.

Nikki protests, but why in the hell do we care what she thinks? Who is she again?

Sawyer offers to play 'em for his stash. Their best player against him, one match, winner take all. Jin and Sun talk amongst theirselves in Korean. Apparently their English immersion lessons are a bust.

Sun makes the bet: If Sawyer wins, he gets his stash back. If he loses, he can't give anyone a nickname for a week. Since Sawyer's nicknames are one of the only amusing parts of this show, I'm rooting for the hillbilly.

Sayid and Locke study the farmhouse, which has a big satellite dish on top. Sayid says a dish that big could broadcast for thousands of miles, but Rousseau says its not the radio tower she saw before.

Of course it's not, Frenchie -- you saw a radio tower. This is a farmhouse that gets Dish Network.

Sayid gives up his gun, and says he's going to go talk to Patchy, because Iraqis with a penchant for torture are always the first people you send as diplomatic emissaries.

Rousseau's all "Seacrest OUT!" and she leaves. She's survived this long by not messing around with weird guys in eyepatches -- why should she start now?



Flashback!

Sayid is choppin' broccoli ... choppin' broccoli! at a restaurant. Another guy tells him that there's a rich dude out front who wants to talk to him.

Sayid makes small talk with rich dude, who really liked his dinner. Sayid introduces himself as "Najeif," and says he's from Syria. Liar.

Rich dude, who's name is Sami, isn't buying it. He knows Sayid is Iraqi, because he is too. He wants Sayid to come work at his restaurant, and offers to double his salary.

On the Island, Sayid walks towards the house, gets distracted by a kitty cat, and Patchy shoots him. Some commando. Patchy's screaming about how he didn't violate the truce and how the Others said he could stay and Sayid's all "stupid a-hole -- you shot me!"

Patchy comes out of the farmhouse, and Locke and Kate charge in shooting like A-Team extras. Is there a massive Dharma ammo dump on this Island? Why doesn't anyone ever run out of bullets?

Patchy, who is wearing a Dharma uniform, drops his rifle and surrenders. He tells Kate his name is Mikhail Bakunin, and that he's the last surviving member of the Dharma Initative.

Locke checks out the farmhouse, which isn't a farmhouse at all, but a large, well-equipped station -- it's The Flame. Mikhail offers to check out Sayid's wound, saying that he was with the Soviet Army in Afghanistan and got some field medicine experience there. Besides -- he's the only guy who knows what shelf the first aid kit is on.

Sayid wants to hear Mikhail's story. Locke and Kate are bored, so they rummage around. Locke finds a manuscript written in Russian, with red editor's marks. Is that supposed to be significant? I don't read Russian. Kate finds a fridge chock full of meat.

Patchy says he grew up in Kiev, and then joined the army and was assigned to a listening post. After the Cold War ended, his unit was decommissioned. Out of a job, he answered a classified ad and ended up working for Dharma. He's been on the Island for eleven years, and the Flame is designed to be Dharma's link to the outside world, hence the big satellite dish.

Locke finds a computer room, with a game of chess up on the screen. He starts to play.

Patchy tells Kate and Sayid that the Dharma folks were wiped out because the started a war with the Others, and that the Others kicked their asses. He survived because he didn't fight. After the battle was over, Patchy says the Others swiped two of his moo cows, and told him he could stay if he didn't leave the valley. He says the Others didn't care about the satellite dish because it hasn't worked for years.

Flashback!

Sayid goes into a restaurant. The Eiffel Tower is in the background -- OK, we're in Paris. Sami's there with some men, and he and Sayid make small talk.

Sami's wife, Amira, enters, and he introduces her to Sayid. Her arms are badly scarred. One of the men at the table asks her if she's sure Sayid is the one, and when she says she is, they proceed to stomp his ass. Guess she didn't like his cooking.

Patchy sews up Sayid's arm and talks to the cat, who he calls Nadia. (Same name as Sayid's honey/torture victim) Then he offers them some iced tea. He's very pleasant, for a freaky one-eyed hermit.

Patchy checks on Locke, who's losing to the computer. He tells him not to bother -- he's been trying to beat the computer for a decade, but the computer cheats. Locke starts another game.

Kate doesn't understand why the Others would let Patchy stay. Sayid explains that it's very simple -- Patchy's not Dharma, he's an Other. Kate's ready to rumble, but Sayid tells her to wait -- Patchy's not alone.

Now playing for the Lostaway Ping-Pong team ... Hurley! He asks if there's going to be a mercy rule -- if he's ahead by eleven points, Sawyer will give up. Sawyer says sure, and even lets Hurley serve. Hurley easily wins the first point. The Lostaways cheer.

Patchy serves tea. Sayid asks him about the big wires outside the farmhouse, and he says the run to the different stations, and one runs to an underwater beacon for the submarines. Patchy says Dharma had a sub, but that he expects the Others have smashed it by now.

Sayid tells Kate that explains how the Others snuck around them and stole the sailboat. Patchy perks up, but Sayid says they lost the sailboat to the Others -- he's just glad they got to kill one of them.

Game's over -- Patchy pitches the tea at Sayid. He and Sayid rumble, and Kate kicks him and points her gun at him, although she probably can't get a shot off without hitting Sayid. Patchy surrenders again. Patchy is a wimp.



Flashback!

Sayid wakes up in chains. Sami comes in with a magic murder bag and a bowl of water, which he gives to Sayid.

Sami asks him if he was a torturer for the Iraqi Republican Guard, and if Sayid recognizes his wife -- she was one of his victims. Sayid plays dumb.

Sami says his wife was accused of hiding an enemy of the state, and was tortured for three months. And he knows Sayid did it.

Sayid admits he was in the Republican Guard, but says that he's never seen Amira before, and that he didn't torture her -- maybe she saw him in the hall?

Yeah, sounded dumb to me, too.

Sami says Amira recognized Sayid at a glance, and that Sami wants Sayid to admit what he did. If he doesn't, he's gonna get chopped up into bits.

In the Flame, Sayid ties Patchy up. He tells Kate and Locke that there's a horsey outside, and its saddle is for someone much shorter than Patchy. That person must still be at the station. He thinks the Others sent someone out here to check on things when the sky went purple and they lost communications.

Locke, who's been sitting on his butt playing chess, says there can't be anyone here -- he's searched the place. Sayid throws back the rug to reveal a trap door.

Flashback!

Sami and Amira visit chained-up Sayid, and ask if he's ready to admit he's been a bad boy. Sayid denies it again, and Sami smacks him with a stick a couple of times. Amira stops the beating and says that's enough for today.

Sami gives one of those "I'm gonna make you bleed" smiles and says he'll see Sayid tomorrow.

Kate and Sayid explore the basement, which is filled with plastic explosives. Nifty. Sayid finds the Dharma operations manuals.

Locke is supposed to be watching Patchy, but sits down and starts playing chess again! OK -- when did Locke turn dumb?

Locke wins his damn chess game, and looks very happy. The game disappears, and there is a video of the guy in the Dharma training video. He says "Manual override achieved. For pallet drop, enter 204. For station uplink, enter 32. For mainland communication, enter 38."

Locke enters 38 and the guy says, "The satellite dish is inoperable. Communications are down. For sonar access, enter 56."

Locke enters 56, but the sonar is down too. "Has there been an insurgent of this station by the hostiles? If so, enter 77."

Locke is about to enter the numbers when Mikhail comes up behind him and puts a knife to his throat. Did I mention that Locke has a chronic case of stupid??

Kate gets attacked from behind and loses her gun. Guess that case of stupid is contageous. Sayid breaks up the fight, and covers the attacker with his gun.

Kate recognizes the attacker as one of the Others who was at the dock when she and Jack were captured, and socks her one. They take her upstairs, only to find Locke being held hostage by Patchy. Mexican standoff?

Everyone shouts a lot, and Patchy and Other chick argue in Russian. Sayid tells them to shut up and Other chick yells "Just do it!" Guess she thought she was in a Nike commericial?

Patchy shoves Locke away and shoots Other chick, killing her. Locke grabs the gun. Patchy head butts Locke, but then gets beat down by Sayid. Patchy surrenders *again* and tells Sayid to kill him.

Hurley apologizes for beating Sawyer so bad at ping-pong. Sawyer says he got hustled. Hurley starts to explain he played a lot of ping-pong in the mental institution, but stops. He gives Sawyer some of his magazines back, because he says Sawyer is a guy who needs stuff.

Sawyer asks if Hurley's gonna psychoanalyze him, but Hurley tells him not to worry about Kate -- she's with Locke and Sayid and she'll be OK. He starts to give Hurley a nickname, stops, and tells him to get bent.

Locke goes back to the computer, and enters 77.

Sayid calls for Rousseau, and asks Patchy if he ever was a part of Dharma. Patchy says he wasn't part of Dharma, but the rest of the story was true -- he moved into the Flame after "the purge."

Rousseau wants to know if Locke and Kate are dead. She doesn't have much confidence in this bunch of jokers. Sayid says they're gathering useful stuff from the Flame, and that now they have a map to the Others' subdivison.

Patchy says he's gonna kill Sayid the first chance he gets, and Rousseau says they should kill him first.

Flashback!

Amira enters Sayid's cell with a big gray kitty. She says that when she and Sami arrived in Paris, she was afraid to leave their apartment. So she would sit at the window and watch the cat. One day a bunch of kids caught the kitty and started to torture it, so she had to leave her apartment and rescue it.

Kitty loves Amira, but once in a while it will forget it is safe and bite or scratch her. But she forgives it, because she knows what it is like not to feel safe, too. And all she wants from Sayid is that he admit what he did.

Sayid admits that he tortured her, and that he's sorry. They both cry, and Amira forgives him.

She says that she's letting him go. Sayid wants to know why, and she says she won't be like the children who tortured her cat.

Sayid refuses to kill Patchy.

Locke and Kate come back -- Kate has flashlights and supplies. Locke's got nothing but stupid.

Sayid asks him what he was doing and he says playing chess. The Flame blows up in a big boom. Sayid's like "OMGWTFBBQ?" and Locke says the computer said to enter 77, so he did. Locke's case of stupid is terminal.

As they leave, big gray kitty watches Sayid. I don't know what happened to the moo cow.

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Lost: Trisha Tanaka Is Dead

Duuuuudddddeeeee! It's a Hurley episode!

And I've realized that Lost has turned into The X-Files in one aspect: The episodes that don't deal with the big "mystery" are the good ones. It's when the writers try to explain a f'ed-up mythology that even they don't understand that things turn to drek.

Flashback opening!

Skinny Baby Hurley (I can tell from the big ass perm) carries a toolbox to the tune of Three Dog Night's "Shambala." There's a vintage Camaro up on blocks. It's a Bitchin' Camaro.

Dad comes out, in an equally big-ass perm. Hey!!! That's Cheech!!!!! Dude!

Cheech suggests that they try to start the Camaro, but Baby Hurley protests that they still need a new carburetor. Cheech says to try anyway, and predictably, the car doesn't start.

In a big "I've got a message" moment, Cheech tells Baby Hurley that having hope is never stupid -- you've got to believe good things will happen and then they will.

Moment's over quick, though, as Cheech wraps up the father-son bonding and says he's going to Vegas. The Camaro, the planned road trip to the Grand Canyon and Baby Hurley will all have to wait.

Cheech gives Baby Hurley a candy bar and rides out of his life.

Back on the Island, Hurley sits and tells the story of what happened to him when he was caught by the Others, and how wigged out everyone is now that the Superfriends are missing. And that he's scared, too. And that he misses her.

The camera pans out, and Hurley is at Libby's grave. Awwww.

Soon-to-be-dead Charlie is moping. Hurley comes over and tells him to quit it, and Charlie tells him about Desmond's prediction. Charlie thinks that this is where Hurley will say "Dude! He's crazy!" but Hurley actually says "Dude, he might be right! Make a will!"

Hurley thinks Charlie's soon-to-be death might be his fault. He's cursed, ya know -- Death finds him.

Vincent (remember Vincent the dog?) runs out of the jungle with something in his mouth. Ewww -- skeletal hand! Bad dog! Death has found Hurley. Again.

Hurley thinks they should chase the dog with the skeletal arm, but Charlie thinks he's a nutter. So Hurley runs off alone.

Vincent reappears and helpfully drops the arm in front of Hurley, then waits there like "do you know fetch, idiot? Throw the arm!" Instead, Hurley pulls something from the fingers -- a VW key attached to a rabbit's foot. Dude!

Flashback!

Hurley and his buddy Randy are talking to a TV reporter in front of the chicken shack where Hurley used to work. Hurley's won the lottery, bought the chicken shack, and now he's gonna be on TV.

The reporter introduces herself as Trisha Tanaka and starts tossing him softball questions about winning the lottery and buying a chicken shack. But Hurley talks about all the bad luck he's had -- his grandpa died, the house he bought his mom burned down, his girlfriend ran away with another guy, some guy jumped off his accountant's roof ...

Trisha Tanaka is pissed, and asks Hurley if he knows what a puff piece is. Then she asks if she and the camera guy can shoot some B-roll inside Mr. Clucks. Hurley is hesitant, but Randy assures him it'll be OK -- the place is empty, and the friers are turned off, so there won't be a horrific drumstick accident.

Trisha and the camera guy go inside, and then we hear a whistling sound. "Dude, do you hear that?" and then SLAM!!!! A giant meteor crashes into Mr. Clucks, destroying it and Trisha Tanaka.



On the Island, Hurley finds a vine-covered blue VW bus. There's a skeleton sitting in the driver's seat, still dressed in a Dharma uniform.

Sun and Jin are on the beach with a bunch of random extras, sorting through the Dharma food stash. Sun says she's only going to talk to Jin in English, because he'll learn English faster that way. Jin says a bunch of stuff in Korean that probably translates to "Wench!"

Hurley runs in, all excited about his VW find. Nikki and Paulo are terribly excited to be in this scene, but skeptical about the van. Hurley argues that fixing the van will be fun, and they could all use some fun, especially soon-to-be-dead Charlie.

Hurley asks for volunteers to help, but everyone walks away but Jin, who has no clue what this crazy American is babbling about.

Sawyer and Kate trudge through the jungle. They're almost back to Lostaway Beach.

He asks Freckles why she's not happy to be back, but Kate's still pouting about leaving Jack. Sawyer suggests the Lostaways should be explaining why no one came to look for them. Then he steps on something sharp and nasty.

There's a dart with a Dharma logo sticking out of his boot, and Kate yanks it out. Sawyer's gonna need a tetanus shot -- too bad Jack's playing with the Others.

They have an extended banter about Little House on the Prairie and giving one another a clean slate, but nothing changes -- Kate's still pissy that Jack's gone and she doesn't have two guys to fight over her, and Sawyer's still pissy that Freckles tossed him a pity screw.

They arrive at camp, and everyone does the hug and cry, while Kate and Sawyer give each other meaningful looks.

Flashback!

Hurley enters his palatial mansion home, and tells his mom that Mr. Clucks got smushed, and that Trisha Tanaka is dead. He says it's the curse -- the lottery money is cursed because the numbers were cursed, and he's gotta go to Australia, because that's where his friend from the mental institution got the numbers.

Mom slaps Hurley, and says it was another accident. And besides, he can't be cursed. Cheech is back!



Hurley and Jin check out the van, and apologize to Roger the skeleton. Dude, Roger was on a beer run! There's a big stack of cases of Dharma brand beer in the back of the VW. Jin plays charades until Hurley figures out he wants to get Roger out of the driver's seat and right the van. They pull Roger out, and his head pops off. Sorry, dude.

Soon-to-be-dead Charlie asks Desmond when he's gonna die. Des tries to play the whole thing off as a drunken ramble, but Charlie's not buying it. Desmond says he can't tell him.

Sawyer's pissy because his stash is gone. Des tries to apologize for drinking the Scotch, which sets Saywer off again. He wants to know who besides Desmond and the munchkin drank his booze. He so shoulda called Charlie a Hobbit -- I've been waiting for that the entire series.

Jin and Hurley are trying to right the van. Sawyer's still pissed about his booze, but Hurley's all "Dude! You're alive!"



Sawyer hugs him back. "Yeah, yeah, Snuffy, it's good to see you too. I'll be damned, you all found yourself a hippie car." Jin greets Sawyer in English, and Sawyer's impressed that's Jin's hooked on phonics.

Sawyer explains that Kate's back too, but that the Others still have Jack. Hurley says it's OK -- Jack's gonna be fine. Sawyer's return is a sign that things are gonna start looking up. He's gonna help with the van, and everyone is gonna sing songs and dance on rainbows.



Kate is on the beach, talking to Sayid and Locke about Super Jack. She says he sacrificed himself so she could escape -- Kate is the most important person in the Universe, after all.

But Michael and Walt got a boat and sailed away, so in theory, the Others can leave, too. And they've probably got more than one boat. But to do anything, they've got to find the Others' subdivision.

Kate says she's going to get help, and that she's going to get Jack back. The lame romantic triangle must continue!



Flashback!

Cheech, Hurley and Mom enjoy a dinner prepared by the Trans, the Korean family Hurley hired away from Bennigan's. Mom's telling Cheech all about what a good son Hurley is -- he even bought her a solid gold Buddy Christ.

Hurley's all emo because Cheech has been gone for 17 years, and thinks he's back for the money. Mom says Cheech is back because Hurley needs a father's love -- and she could use a little Cheech lovin' too. It's been 17 years, after all.

Hurley is grossed out beyond belief at his mom's eagerness for a toke off Cheech's joint. He says he's getting rid of the money and the house and everything, and fires the Trans, probably saving them from a horrific death in a lasagna accident.

Mom argues that Cheech *is* going to stay, and she *is* going to get some action. She knows Hurley wants him to stay, too, and she can prove it -- he's still got the Bitchin' Camaro, up on blocks in the garage.



Sawyer, Jin and Hurley right the VW, and Sawyer scrounges through the back, finding beer, an old map of a dirt road Dharma was building (I'm sure that will be very significant in about five episodes) and ... Roger's head. He's understandably freaked.

Jin and Hurley check out the engine. Jin talks in Korean, Hurley says "Dude" some more, and neither of them make much sense.

"I have hope," Hurley says. "This will work." He puts the key in the ignition and turns it, but nothing happens.



Sawyer chills out with Roger and drinks skunky Dharma beer. It's flat and it's hot, but hey -- it's beer.

Hurley gives him shit about making fun of poor, dead Roger. While they're bickering, Jin interrupts and says he can't fix the VW.

Hurley says he *has* to fix it, dude! Everyone on the Island could use some hope. An old VW bus and some skunky beer equal hope!

But Sawyer pops his balloon. "If it's hope you're looking for, Ese, you're on the wrong damn island. There sure as hell ain't no hope here!"



Flashback!

Cheech wakes up Hurley, who has taken to wearing headphones to dampen the sound of Cheech lovin' coming from his mom's bedroom.

Cheech says it's time to break the curse, and takes him to a psychic.

Psychic chick lays out the tarot cards and does a pretty specific reading about numbers and darkness and a curse. She says the curse can be lifted, and gets a big pot and tells Hurley to drop trou.

Hurley offers her a thousand bucks to admit Cheech put her up to this scam. She refuses. He offers her ten grand, and she fesses up. Cheech protests he was just trying to help.

On the Island, Hurley prays to the VW gods, while Sawyer and Jin drink beer and practice English. Hurley tells Sawyer that he's praying for help, but Sawyer knows what will help Hurley -- beer.

He tosses a warm one over Hurley's head. The can rolls down a hill, and the lightbulb goes off over Hurley's head.



Hurley finds Charlie, and tells him to quit moping on the beach and come help him fix the love machine.

Charlie's not going for it, so Hurley slaps him and tells him to stop dwelling on his soon-to-be death. Hurley thinks they need to do something stupid and kinda dangerous, and if they don't die, they win. They've broken their curse.

"Look, I don't know about you," Hurley says, "but things have really sucked for me lately and I could really use a victory. So, let's get one, Dude. Let's get this car started. Let's look death in the face and say 'Whatever, man'. Let's make our own luck."



At the van, Sawyer teaches Jin the three most important phrases for a married man: "I'm sorry." "You were right." "Those pants don't make you look fat."

This is part of why I liked this episode -- we've needed some fun. Jack and his Thai tats are too emo for me.

Hurley tells them to quit boozing it up and help him. "What's your problem, JumboTron?" Sawyer asks.

"Shut up," Hurley says, "Red ... neck ... man."

"Touche," Sawyer says. He sees Charlie. "What's Jiminy Cricket doing here?"

Hurley explains that they're gonna push the van to a biiiig slope, and he's gonna get in, ride it down, crash and die. Fun, huh?



Flashback!

Hurley is packing his bags when Cheech comes in. Hurley tells him to buzz off, and that he's not getting any of the lottery money.

Cheech admits he's only there for the cash, but says Hurley doesn't need to go to Australia to break the curse -- all he needs is hope. He suggests that Hurley give away the lottery dough, fix up the Camaro, and he and Cheech take off for the Grand Canyon in a very special episode of "Growing Pains."

Hurley says he'll send him a postcard from Australia.



The gang of four and the VW are at the top of a biiiiig hill. Sawyer points out that Hurley's gonna die, horribly. But Hurley has faith -- they're gonna push-start the love machine, and then the world will be okey-dokey. Oh, and Charlie's gonna ride shotgun.

Jin and Sawyer push the doom and gloom twins to a certain death. They rocket down the big hill toward big rocks. A bit of "omg omg omg we're gonna die," Hurley turns the key and ... the VW starts! An eight-track starts playing Shamabla by Three Dog Night. Cheers all around, and Sawyer, Jin and Vincent get a ride in the Hope Bus.

Everybody sings songs and dances on rainbows. Sawyer, Charlie and Jin bring skunk beer to all the Lostaways. Jin gives Sun a flower. Charlie goes to see Claire. Sawyer looks for Kate but can't find her, so he drinks hot beer and smiles. Hurley drives the love machine around the Island.

Kate walks through the jungle at night. And since capable Kate has temporarily replaced whiny, annoying Kate, she easily avoids a net trap on the ground.

She's being followed by Locke and Sayid, who want to know why they weren't invited on her "Get Jack" quest. She says that they're not motivated enough, and besides, they don't know where to look.

Locke protests he does too know where to look for the Others -- Eko's stick told him. Kate and Sayid both think following a dead guy's stick is pretty stupid.

Someone shoots at them, and Locke prepares to go all commando, but Kate stops them. She tells the shooter they just want to talk.

Hey -- it's Rousseau! How ya doing, Frenchie? Long time no see!

Kate wants Rousseau to help her find the Others' subdivision. I want to see more of Rousseau, both because Mira Furlan rocks and to hear Sayid say "the French Woman" like she's from Mars.

Rousseau says she can't help -- she's got baking to do. Kate says she has to -- the Others had her and would have killed her. And that must be avenged, because Kate Is The Most Important Person In The Universe!!!

Oh, and that there was this girl named Alex with the Others. She might be Rousseau's missing kid.

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American Idol Girls night to play

I'm gonna go out on a limb here. A strong-ass unbreakable limb and say that I'm pretty sure this season's American Idol is gonna be a woman. The girls this year are so much better than the guys that not even seven more sets of fake blowjob and "Hey look I'm on the shitter" pictures are going to prevent this. Kinda take the fun out of a chronological recap so we're gonna mix it up a bit.

The Chosen Ones

Lakisha

She kinda mailed it in this week with Whitney Houston's "I Have Nothing", I can'r remember someone so heavily favored to win the competition this early since Fantasia.\

Stephanie

Out of this group of favorites she's the one I'm pulling for. It's probably becaus she reminds me of Tisha Campbell. Go'on Gina!

Melinda

Okay, I said that wouldn't recap the "hidden secrets" portions but Melinda's is too good to ignore. She describes behavior that she describes as "equal opportunity" so if she chews her food on one side of her mouth she has to chew it an equal number of times on the other side. If she steps on a crack with one foot she has to step on it with the other foot. GENIUS!!! She's actually courting the OCD voters! Brilliant strategy for a contest where who ever gets the most repetitive dialers wins! I can't believe no one had tried this before.

On the Bubble

Sabrina

She's hot and can do a pretty mean En Vogue, but the judge knock her copycat style and say she's being a bit too robotic to put her among the chosen. My take is that she's the most attractive one left...so yeah.

Jordin

I never paid much attention to her until this week when she sang "Heartbreaker" by Pat Benatar. Pretty ballsy choice and it wasn't bad at all. The judges weren't thrilled but think she's done enough to make it to the big stage. I agree.

Gina

Well the judges finally got Rocker-chick Gina to dive into that role with some Evanesnce . Welcome to your box Gina. Lord help you if you ever ever EVER try to leave. Actually, she's been my favorite ever since they showed her dealing with fake-Shakira during the Hollywood shows. I agree with Simon when he says she's a breath of fresh air. I hope she goes far.

Please Go Home

Hailey

She sang an ultra-boring Faith Hill song. Simon quipped that after all this time he still doesn't even know her name. Lots of fake shrugging off tears with Ryan afterwards. Don't worry, I think she'll be playing Branson after this.

Antonella

I guess there isn't anything I could say that grinding you snatch all over a Veterans Memorial hasn't already. Anyway, she butchered a Corinne Bailey Rae song and had enough "Look at how pretty I am" glances at the camera to send Frenchie off on an Antonella hunt. Simon brought up her skewering in the media offering a classy and dignified out for her, but she kept rambling on about how much she deserves to be in the top 12. I guess you can't blame her. I read that Girls Gone Wild has already offered her $250,000 to host a video and I'm sure the longer she stays on the offers will only get bigger. Something tells me she's gonna make it through.

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American Idol, suckas!

Well we're one week from the big stage shows and after Thursday we'll have this season's top 12. We've got the final 8 guys tonight and let me tell ya, I haven't been impressed with what I've seen so far. Still it's Idol and even if it isn't entertaining it can still be entertaining if ya know what I mean...

Tonight the contestants are revealing little know things about them. I'm not recapping that bullshit and believe me you aren't missing much. I'm a little rusty so bear with me...

Here we go. Up first is the the Human Beat Box, Blake. Well that if Blake were a member of the Fat Boys, and black, and dead then he'd be the Human Beat Box. MY NUTS!

I hear the slowed down ska riff over hip hop beats and oh my goodness it's "All Mixed Up" by 311. Well I have to give it to the producers, there's definitely been more variety in music this season and it suddenly hits me that this song is about 10 years old. Holy crap! Anyway, Blake's performance is just a bunch of blah, but it isn't really his fault since the song isn't really designed to show off vocals, but he does get to run his annoying gimmick all through the song. I guess he did choose the song, so maybe it is his fault. The judges know he's a ratings grabber and want him to stay so they're complimentary. Randy and Paula weren't familiar with the song...wha? I mean 311 was pretty big if I recall. Stupid judges.

Sanjaya is next and he's appeared to let his hair down to make him even more non-threatening. He breathes through John Mayer's "Waiting on the World to Change" and even the soft background vocals seem to overpower his voices. He sleepwalks through this already boring song. His highlights were purty though. The verdict is "sucks" across the board. Paula does fumble through candy coating a criticism for about half an hour. If anyone should go home this Thursday it should be him...but we all know how that goes.

The suck continues with Sundance Head. He'll be doing "Jeremy" by Pearl Jam, which is surprising. Still I'm impressed. The show must be shelling out the big bucks for music this season. Meanwhile, Edwin McCain's car just got repossessed. Anyway the song starts and immediately I want to shoot everyone involved in the head. It's my least favorite Pearl Jam song but really. He sings like he inhaled helium while still trying to mimic Eddie Vedder's vocal affectations. Just a shitty shitty mess. Shouldn't he have dressed the part as well? With his buttoned down and jeans all he needed was a faded cap with a bent bill and adidas sandals and he would have been any drunk college soccer player at a karaoke bar 10 years ago. I mean if your going to do Pearl Jam grunge yourself up a little with some ripped jeans or something. Randy and Paula like it of course while Simon tells it like it is commenting that he came off as a bar singer. Song three and I'm already furious. Not a good sign.


Now it's time for my personal favorite among the guys Chris Henderson, who earned the TC and M approval by singing Jason Mraz last week. He does an harmless performance of a harmless Keith Urban song. He has a good voice and is highly likable. He gets the good but safe comments across the board. I agree. He's a lock for the final 12 though.


Jared leads of the last four. This guy is a cross between Shane Battier and Carlton from the Fresh Prince of Bel-Air.
He does a paint by numbers performance of "If You Really Love Me" by Stevie Wonder. It's rather soulless and stiff to be honest. Randy thought it was solid. Paula tells Jared that he "needs to color up the way you sing" Yes she said that. I'm doing the Carlton dance right now in her honor. Randy and Paula feel like he's earned a spot in the top 12.

My second favorite male on the show is Brandon and he's doing "I Just Wanna Celebrate" from many many commercials and movies. He's got such an awesome voice as exhibited from his last weeks singing of "Time After Time" Anyway, he's energetic, but misses the opportunity to go over the top and really belt this song out. He's got a great showcase song and he wusses out by playing it safe. The judges pretty much say the same thing. You can tell he's a judges favorite because it really sounds like they're pushing him rather than critiquing for entertainment value. Simon for some reason refers to him as Travis. Heh. Simon says he's nervous for him though.

Now it's time for American Idol Playhouse:

"Hey, dude on the left, what's up?"
"Nothin, just kickin' it"
"Word, yo!"
"Gettin ready to bust out some Leanne Rimes yadidamean?"
"Aight then playa"

Seriously, Phil sings Leanne Rimes wearing that hat. He looks as shocked as the audience.

It's the "I need youuuuuu" and if you missed it, trust me you singing it to yourself in your head was much much better. He's just all over the place and it's quite the mess.

Randy compares his high notes to Steve Perry but says everything else sucks. Paula says it wasn't his best. Simon says with the hat and eyes he didn't get it. It wasn't good enough.

Chris Sligh finishes out the show. This guy is so much the anti-Idol that he doesn't need any endorsement. We all know he's going to go far in this competition. Still he's got vocal chops. He does a song called "We All Want to Be Loved" which when I Google it says it's by DC Talk which I remember as Christian Rappers. Anywhoo... Nothing to make fun of here. Paula thought it wasn't his best though. Again all three judges sound more encouraging than insulting

The judges last word is that only four of them have performed strongly to be considered locks. My guess it's the two Chrises, Blake, and Jared.

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Survivor: Let's Just Call Jeff on the Phone

So what have we learned from Survivor so far this season? People who are given every material advantage perform better in mental and physical tasks than people who are severely mentally and physically deprived.

Thanks Mark Burnett -- I would have never figured *that* one out on my own. Next season, are you going to take up the burning question of what's heavier: a bowling ball or a feather?




Returning from yet another sucktastic Tribal, Ravu decides to try to talk their problems out. Yeah, this isn't going to go well.

Rocky just goes off, blaming Anthony for everything from losing challenges to Iran's nuclear crisis, in an incomphrensible rant that mainly consists of "Sexist, racist, sexist, homophobic. Meaning no disrespect." "Sexist, sexist, racist -- I don't want to offend you." He talks a lot about "brawds."

Congratulations Rocky -- you get this week's first STFU award!

Anthony gets an honorable mention for his passive-aggressive apologies while looking up through his eyelashes like a sorority girl trying to get extra credit on a chem exam.

Anthony talks about how people picked on him when he was a kid. OK, that's legitimate, but I'll bet ninety percent of people in the U.S. have got that scar on their psyche. He says he's not giving up, and if Ravu wants him out, they're going to have to push him off the island.

Anthony, Anthony, I'm trying to like you, but quit crying! I've seen you cry three times in two episodes. New rule: You get one crying jag per episode. That's it.

Earl knows Anthony's on the bubble, but he doesn't know what he's going to do to save him -- he wants to do something. Maybe he'll do nothing -- he doesn't know. Survivor is so confusing!



It's another beautiful day at Camp Tea Party, and Lisi and Stacy are soaking up the Fiji sun and enjoying a swim. Oh, and they're gloating. There is lots of gloating.

Apparently, Lisi, Stacy, Alex, Eguardo and Boo have formed an alliance. Now, this isn't the perfect alliance, because Lisi is useless in challenges and Boo's likely to cut off his foot soon, but they're happy with it.

Gary's doing what he's been doing for a few days now, holding his head and talking about how the room keeps spinning and how he can't breathe. Papa Smurf is in some sad shape.



Cassandra, who seems to be a nice enough person, is very worried about Gary's health. Lisi's pissed that he's not improving on her schedule, and she says she's sick of babysitting him. Apparently, babysitting means handing him a coconut. How awful for Lisi that she's so put out.

Because it's Lisi's tribe and Lisi's rules, she's made a decision -- either Gary gets better, or he gets out. Wench -- I'm starting to actively dislike you.

Reward challenge time! Hey -- it's the old balance beam challenge. Gee, I'll be people who have slept on feather beds and fed like kings will have better balance than people about to collapse from dehydration!

The tribes will line up side-by-side on balance beams. Moving one tribe member at a time, the Survivors will make their way across the beam, stepping around their tribemates. If they fall off or if they're knocked off, those members will start over. Once a tribemate is across the beam and on the final platform, the next member can go. The first tribe to get all tribe members across their beam wins reward.

The reward? Pillows, blankets, fish, spices and rice. (Tasteless edit of the night -- a cut shot of Yau-Man and Mookie when Probst mentions the rice.) Oh yeah -- and a king-sized bed with all the trimmings back at the winners' camp.

These reward challenges are out of hand. What's next? Cars to drive to the challenges? A butler? I thought this was Survivor, not Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous.



Michelle makes her way across the beam easily for Ravu. Yau-Man follows -- and gets bonus points for getting his head into the chest of every female on the team.

Lisi's sucking hard for Moto -- four or five attempts, and she's still not across. Moto switches to the "squat and climb" strategy, and she gets to the platform. Alex and Edgardo follow.

Ravu tries the same thing, but Mookie's touching two people at a time, and gets yelled at by Jeff. Then Anthony won't squat or move, and gets yelled at by Mookie and Rocky. They bicker while Moto wins again. They get a bunch of stuff they didn't need, and send Yau-Man to Exile Island.



Back at Camp Crappy, Rocky loses it, throwing shit against the walls of the cave and having a complete hissy fit. "Why don't we just go to Tribal Council right now and vote somebody off, because that's all we do every week. So why don't we just call Jeff up right now, on the Jeff phone."

WTF? Jeff phone? And while it really, really, really sucks to be Ravu, temper tantrums just make you look like an asshat. STFU. Anthony wisely keeps his mouth shut and lets Rocky look like a dick.



Hey Rocky, I know you're hungry and cranky and all, but do you and Mookie do *anything* but lie on palm fronds and bitch? Saving your strength for challenges doesn't mean much when you haven't won one yet.

Oh, and I don't know about Rocky's claim that homeless people are in better shape than he is. Maybe we should ask Dreamz.

On EI, Yau-Man is stunned when he reads the clues to find the Hidden Immunity Idol, because they've degenerated to "DIG HERE, IDJIT! NO, WE REALLY MEAN IT, DIG HERE!" He makes plans on how to get the HII when he gets back to Camp Sucky.

At the Moto Hilton, the team looks over their new king-sized bed and are very annoyed that the sheets are only 300-thread count, and that the frame isn't teak like they ordered. They put in a snippy call to their decorator.



Then there's more gloating. "Not only did we have comfort with the cushions and the blankets, but the fish that we got and the seasoning… I was like, 'Oh my gosh! I'm in heaven,'" gushes Liliana.



After gorging like little piggies, the tribe relaxes with massages. Liliana is the first to indulge in the traditional "I'm hot, and I'm gonna flirt with the guys" strategy, taking her top off and giving Edgardo a full rubdown.

Lisi is pissy. She says she's Latin (she looks Irish, but OK, whatever) so she's hip to what chicks do. "It's funny because Liliana tries to be so sneaky," Lisi grouses, but I know in her DIABOLICAL MEXICAN MIND she's trying to come up with something."

Diabolical Mexican mind?? WTF? Did she actually just say that? Lisi = teh suck.

Gary's getting worse, and no one on Moto really cares that much. Dreamz does -- but he says its because Gary's one of the only people on the tribe who will talk to him.

Oh, here comes the sexy Australian doctor again! Gary's got about a million bug bites, and his vital signs aren't great, so he opts to quit the game and leave the island with sexy doctor.



Now, in other situations where people have been pulled out by the medical team, there's been much crying and sympathy and worried confessionals. Moto's attitude is "Yeah, whatever -- hey, lets go see if the servants have finished fixing the frozen yogurt machine!" Gary gets a half-assed wave, and he doesn't even get the sad music sendoff. Moto sucks.

And they've lost more than they realize -- even hurt, Gary always performed well in the challenges. This will hurt them.

Even though his tribe didn't give a damn, I thought Papa Smurf seemed to be a good guy, so I'm glad he's OK.

Rocky sheds his clothes -- and his sanity -- and wanders around camp nekkid. Michelle is unimpressed, and Rita gives him her halter top and a set of coconut tits. Ravu has crossed over into Crazyville -- I wonder if they'll meet Britney Spears there?



At the Immunity Challenge, Ravu shows more concern for Gary than Moto ever did. Poor guy.

Probst explains this week's overly-complicated challenge: Four tribe members will begin locked in floating cages. One tribe member will start on shore and race out to unlock the first cage, releasing the first tribe member. The newly freed tribe member will run across floating lily pads to free the next member in a locked cage.

Once the fourth tribe member is freed from their locked cage, those tribe members will get on a boat where another tribe member will be waiting with a ring of keys. The teams will paddle back to shore, picking up the stranded tribemates along the way. Once back, the Survivors will form a human pyramid.

The person at the top will use a ring of keys to unlock a series of padlocks, freeing their last tribe member from the last cage. The first tribe to get all members back on their tribe mat wins Immunity.

One twist to the challenge: a sealed bottle with a message inside will be opened by the winning tribe after the challenge.



I look at those lily pads, and I realize that Ozzy would run across them like an eager little monkey. I also know that someone at CBS has been watching "Sinkers and Floaters" on MXC.

Rocky loses his key on the first leg, giving Edgardo an edge. He frees Dreamz, who stumbles over to free Alex. Rocky lets Yau-Man out, but Yau-Man has *a lot* of trouble with the lily pads, increasing Moto's lead. Alex frees Boo.

Yau-Man frees Rita, but she can't even crawl over the lily pads, and Moto gets a big lead. Boo gets Liliana out and they start heading back to the beach. Rita finally frees Mookie, who scurries over the lily pads and lets Earl out. They gain some time back.

On the beach, Stacy struggles with the locks for Moto, giving Ravu time to catch up. Wow -- Ravu must really think Anthony sucks -- they've got him in the final cage. He would have been a better paddler and lily pad climber than Yau-Man or Rita.

Stacy gets Cassandra free just in time, and Moto wins. Tough break Ravu -- that was a close one.



Twist time! Moto opens their bottle, and they have a choice -- keep immunity and surrender Camp Cushy to Ravu, or give up immunity and keep their pillows. They ponder, but the lure of the pillows is too strong, and they surrender immunity.



This would have been a tough call. On the one hand, the comfy camp gives you a *huge* advantage. On the other, you *never* surrender power on Survivor, and numbers are power. Moto has gone from being two up on Ravu to even numbers. And a merge is coming.

Back at camp, Dreamz calls a meeting and gives a long, rambling rant about snakes and going to get water, and how the tribe should decide now, in the open, who's getting voted off. And he's not going to point any fingers. Then he literally points at Lisi and Cassandra and says one of them has to go. I was laughing so hard I damn near fell off the couch.

Everyone ignores him and gives those bland smiles people give the very, very stupid.

Stacy and Lisi meet up with Alex, Edgardo and Boo. They want Liliana off -- the guys, understandably, are hesitant. Cassandra would be a better choice. Lisi says they can sit Cassandra out in challenges. Sorry wench -- no one's sitting out in challenges now, not even you -- and I notice your ass has been on Bitch Bench for at least half of the events so far.

The women continue to insist Liliana and her perky boobs and diabolical Mexican mind must go.

Alex vents that there is *no* reason whatsoever to vote off Liliana, but I don't thinks he's doing the math. Alliance of five. Three people want Liliana to stay. Two want her to leave. Why are we voting off Liliana again?

And WTF was that shot of? A snake reguritating an eel? Damn CBS -- that was gross!



I'm disappointed at Tribal. Jeff gave Yul shit for twenty minutes last season about a damn hat, but he says nothing to Moto about giving up immunity for pillows.

Dreamz bitches about how the louder he screams, the less anyone listens to him. He says he's disappointed that someone didn't stop him during his "Shaquilleowee."

Moto also complains that they've run out of Thin Mints, the ice cream machine only makes 31 flavors, the Jacuzzi needs to be cleaned, and that the masseuse keeps forgetting to do Swedish, not Shiatsu. They'd also like to have pizza delivered to Tribal.

Liliana points out *amazingly* stupid it would be to vote someone like her off now. Cassandra pipes up with how cool and strong Liliana is, and that she'll go really far in the game.

That was great! Talk about sealing the girl's coffin -- point her out as a threat!

Bye-Bye Liliana -- Moto will now have to rely on Lazy Lisi, and they're gonna miss you more than they know.



Next week: Rocky and Dreamz throw down?

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The Rant: Black Snake Moan

As our loyal Tortilla Chips and Milk readers would tell you, Last summer's Snakes On a Plane had everything I could want in a movie. Well, I was wrong. After seeing the first Black Snake Moan, I realized that what Snakes On a Plane was missing was a hot little white girl on a chain. As usual the following is not a review just some impressions.

Black Snake Moan is Craig Brewer's follow up to Hustle and Flow, a movie that I absolutely loved. Like Hustle and Flow, Black Snake Moan is based in the Dirty South, offers music as salvation, and displays a predominantly fucked up morality.

As Hustle and Flow's plot could be summarized in a Hip Hop Single, Black Snake Moan's plot of Man loses wife to brother, Man finds a nymphomaniac, Man chains nymphomaniac to a radiator for a few days, Man rediscovers love and the blues as a result, could also be a blues jam...The best blues jam ever!

I know there must be difficulties marketing movies like Hustle and Flow and Black Snake Moan, but the commercials which feature a crazed Samuel L. Jackson and a chained up Christina Ricci are terribly misleading. Rather than a Pulp Fiction-esque
thriller, Black Snake Moan, like Hustle and Flow is a slow paced, gritty, character based film, examining a culture that seems so alien it's hard to believe it's probably only 15 miles from a Wal-Mart.

Christina Ricci, spends a great deal of this movie either topless, in heat, or both. I can never watch The Addams Family again. Or Mermaids for that matter...I mean Mermaids for the first time cause I've never seen it...look over there!

Samuel L. Jackson can switch gears like no other. His ability to switch from comedic, to terrifying, to crazed, and back again is rivaled by only Christopher Walken.

Justin Timberlake is also in this movie...let's just say that a whiny, hillbilly chump with no balls is a role he was born to play.

The musical scenes were incredible and I'm not even a fan of the blues.

I love the way the local drug dealer shows the in his own special way that he cares for Ricci's character. I think it's a sad comment on my part that I understood where he was coming from.

Every Samuel L. Jackson movie should have a scene where he stares down someone who has him looking down the barrel of a gun.

Out of the handful of intense moments in the movie, my favorite is the anticipation that builds as we see SLJ's truck drive up after the teenager farmhand has been jumped by Ricci.

The only problem I had with the movie is the dragged out ending. Still I was absorbed throughout and left the theater content.

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