The World Series Game One: Where are all the Black people?

Seriously, it's Game one of the 2007 World Series between the Boston Red Sox and the Colorado Rockies, but I'm not so sure this isn't the Stanley Cup! Really, where did all the African-American baseball players go? I'm going down the starting lineups and it's White, White, White, Dominican, Dominican, White, White, White, Japanese, White, White, Dominican and so on. I know LaTroy Hawkins who pitches for Colorado and Coco Crisp are African-Americans but they aren't likely to play a big part in the series. Between Matsui for Colorado and Dice-K and Okajima pitching for the Red Sox there will be more high profile Japanese players in this series than Black players. How the hell did that happen?

I don't think I've ever seen this high profile an event among the big three sports that didn't have a significan African-American presence. I'm not saying it's a good thing or a bad thing...it is what it is and it's just weird. Network TV is constantly under fire for it's lack of Blacks on screen...I wonder if the progaming directors at Fox sent notes to Rockies Manager Clint Hurdle telling him to pitch LaTroy at least an inning by Game 2.

The best performance by an African-American in game one was Boston Red Sox reserve Royce Clayton on Fox's Sounds of the Game. They were discussing the stolen base promotion where Taco Bell will give away a free beef taco after the first stolen base of the series. Royce was trying to explain that the promotion had to take place the day of the promotion and that any other way wouldn't make sense. It was actually funnier than an entire season of The Bernie Mac Show so I guess they hit some sort of quota.

The game itself...I had to switch during the marathion 5th inning with the Sox up by 10. I'm rooting for the Sox only because before the season started Jordan;s Furniture had a promotion that furniture bought during a limited time would be FREE if the Red Sox won the series. My sister was shopping for a sleeper sofa and against my urging bought her sofa from another store. Maybe if I'm right she'll listen to me next time.

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Premiere Week III: Cavemen

Aight suckas, there's just a few more premieres left and then we'll be settled into this TV season. So, we'll start tonight with recaps for Cavemen and Carpoolers.

Cavemen (Tues. 8:00 pm ABC)


Yeah, someone who's pulling in at least 6 digits really did greenlight this project. A Geico commercial turned into a full length 22 minute sitcom. I'm actually gonna bear down watch it, for such is my calling and I truly love y'all. If this day wasn't bad enough, I was diagnosed with 24 hour Tourette Syndrome by my fake doctor, so hang on we might experience some turbulence here. Temporary uncontrollable rage + Cavemen = How I roll.

Well it's a few minutes in and Cavemen hasn't really played out like I thought it would. I expected a rehash and extended versions of the actual commercials, like the therapist session, or the prejudice filled luncheon, or uncomfortable moments dealing with modern technology. Sure, it would be lame TV but at least those commercials are entertaining for 30 seconds. Which is sadly 29 more seconds of entertainment that we got from Cavemen.

Hey you dumbfucks! This is like having a show with that old ass lady from Wendy's and having her not give a fuck about the fucking beef!

The premise is that there have always been cavemen that have lived among us through and they still live with among us today. Apparently, they missed an obvious President Caveman joke...or caveman blogger joke (fuck you, by the way). Cavemen are just simply treated like another race. The finished product is a show about mid 20-ish to early 30-ish cavemen bachelors living the swinging life in San Diego.

ARRGH!!! if you were going to insert a race of people from a god-damned commercial, the fucking Cavity Creeps would have been more purposeful. They fucking make holes in teeth and they must be stopped. All the pretty morons in San Diego would have shitted themselves when they saw the Cavity Creeps coming!

After hearing these Cavemen banter about cheating girlfriends, unwritten dissertations, and dating outside the race, a Tortilla Chips and Milk hypothesis forms. The producers of this show were undecided about the direction of the project. So they took a failed pilot script about hip single guys of the same race and used it for this show. Maybe it was El Guapo Vatos or They Hung Lo or Wokking and Rolling (I couldn't pick) or Hide and Go Sikh or Single White Male Jews but whatever it was, they took out the original race in the script be it Mexican, Asian, Indian/Sikh, or Jewish, then "cut and paste, found and replaced" said race with CAVEMEN. So instead of hiring (god forbid) actual ethnic actors, they just took a bunch of cracka ass crackas, glued some hair on them and voila! Brand new show!

FUCK! This is like a cheap ass Entourage except it's about ordinary people. Ordinary people who have furry fucking faces. If you took the Cavemen out of the equation you'd be left with whiny, emotionally stunted pretty white people. Oh yeah,that show already exists it's called FUCKING GREY'S ANATOMY! If you wanted compelling TV you could have licensed the Herbal Essence women who have "organic" experiences. If you cast five hot women who walked around having fake orgasms all the time, that show would fucking rule! Oh wait that show already exists too. I've just described DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES! I can't fucking win! Assholes!

All you're left with at the core of Cavemen is a sorta topical, almost hip sitcom with some Flinstonian jokes thrown in. Our cast of Cavemen include a brainy one, a dumb one, a guy who works at an Ikea knockoff (those scenes were actually funny), the Cave-douche who thinks he's a stud, and a wholesome one. The wholesome one might have also been the dumb one, but it's hard to tell these guys apart when they all have fur on their faces. The sorta plot revolves around Ikea-knockoff-employee Caveman, who struggles with revealing to his Caveman friends that he is actually dating a dreaded homo-sapien or "sape". In the original script they probably used the term "homo-sapien" to replace the equally dreaded but rightfully shunned "Girl from Fresno".

Hey Mac Guy, I bet your Mac can't do spreadsheets like this, Fucko! Hey PC guy, I got to rub up on Megan Fox and I'm dating Drew Barrymore! Your PC sucks shit like this fucking goddamn stupid Cavebitch show!

Ahem, anyway, the ha-ha twist at the end is that while the Cavemen are all down with hot sapien, it turns out that the spaien girlfriend is a Furball chaser and that she's had more fur in her mouth than my cat. Seriously, insert your own choice of race and the show is much more entertaining. I'm going rewatch this episode and pick Serbs.

Hey look it's annoying text message girl! I heard they wanted to spec her for a new show too, but she got beat out by Cavemen. Let's see what she's got to say: FU ABC DIAF ASAMFP (Fuck You, ABC, Die in a Fire, as soon as mother fucking possible)

Aight that was just half of ABC's sitcom premiere next we have:

Carpoolers (Tues. 8:30 pm ABC)
You know what? Fuck this, I'm not watching this show. This is the same network that cancelled Sportsnight and they have the fucking nerve to air that Caveshit? Yeah I'm done with y'all. Sorry fat-kid-from-Stand by Me I'm not gonna watch.

Tech Tags: Cavemen

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The Fresh Prince to remake The Karate Kid?

Okay saw I saw this rumor printed here Will Smith directing a remake of Karate Kid with his son in the Daniel Role and Jackie Chan in the Mr. Miyagi role. I never thought I'd ever need to to type the words "karate kid remake" ever. Anyway here are the questions that immediately pop into my head.

Are all the Cobra Kai members going to be black this time, with one token white member who only has a brown belt?

How are they going to have the romantic storyline when the kid is probably going to be under 12 when the movie comes out? Elizabeth Shue was the sixth best thing in that movie and I mean that with the highest amount of praise possible.

Will they track down Bananrama for the soundtrack?

How is Mr. Miyagi whoopin ass gonna come as a surprise when we already know Jackie Chan can whoop ass? I mean most people knew the original Mr. Miyagi as the fry cook/proprietor on Happy Days. Having him whip ass was a total shock.

Is Will Smith gonna have a cheesy ass title song with the term "Karate Kid" in the lyrics? I nomitate that he sample "You're the Best Around" in order to kill two birds with one stone.

Will we hear the epic line "Get him a body bag...yeah!!!!!" ?

Will he spare us from having Jada Pinket Smith play a modern day Mrs. LaRusso?

Is it gonna be set in Reseda or Philly?

Got Zabka?

Will the penultimate scene in the movie be a karate move based on this?


Suckas gots ta know!

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Premier Week Part II

Okay, so I realized that there are only a handful of shows I can actually stand right now. But here's a quick recap of what I watched the last half of the week.

The Office (Thurs. 9:00 pm NBC)

The best comedy on TV returns. I'm gonna miss Rashida Jones. The Office starts up on the same high note that it left off last season. Too many things to list, but I really love the fact that they are keeping the Jim-Pam romance as a side story rather than the main focal point of the show. It's still all about Michael and the office as a whole. Favorite Line from this week:

Michael: Kelli you are a Hindu so you believe in Buddha right?
Kelli: That's Buddhists.
Michael: Are you sure?
Kelli: No.

Saturday Night Live (Sat. 11:30 pm, NBC)

The much hyped season premiere featuring LeBron James was a neutered mess. Usually the key to a successful athlete hosting comedy is a willingness to take a self depreciating approach to his reputaion or career. Michael Jordan,Joe Montanna, Walter Payton, Peyton Manning, and Tom Brady all went out of the box and allowed themselves to stripped down and mocked. LeBron on the other hand seems like he had to have everything approved by the image police. Maybe it was shit writing. Maybe it wouldn't have been so bad if musical guest Kanye West didn't totally upstage him with the sketch which involved him confronting award winners, including an eight year old state fair winner for best pumpkin. "Sneaky Cameras!"


Jermaine Taylor vs. Kelly Pavlik

This isn't a show that premiered but it was a hell of a boxing match. I'm not in any one camp when it comes to boxing, MMA, or even Pro-Wrestling. I'm just a fan of ass-kicking and I'm happy to say that Saturday night I got to see an ass kicking. I'm not going to go into it too much but if you're a fan of ass kicking too catch the replay on HBO.



I'll probably be keeping tabs on Reaper, Bionic Woman, the Office and some others this week to get a regular recap schedule going.

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Fashion Trends I Wanna See: Get yer Halo thug on!

Aight, I ain't gonna front. I ain't the one when it comes to Halo 3. The last time I played a Halo game was a few weeks ago and I got shivved to death on a four way screen a buttload. Still you gotta give props to a game whose sales reached $170 Million. Compare this to the highest and movie weekend opening of the year, Spider-Man 3, which grossed $151 million and you got a little shake up in the entertainment industry about to happen.

Now I've seen video game clothes but they usually lean towards emo/Hot Topic crowd. Like rockin' the Mario shirt is gonna get you any clam.

The fashion trend I wanna see is reppin' the Halo 3 and gettin' yer thug on at the same time. Back from an extended break is our TC and M male model, Dartagnan, live from a midnight Halo 3 sale, with an example of what I'm talkin' bout yo!



Masta Chief > Soulja Boy

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Premiere Week!

With the new TV season in full swing this week I thought I'd give y'all the rundown on some of this weeks season premieres. Then I realized something. I don;t watch as nearly as much TV as I think I do, So I've had to actually force myself to watch at least one premiere a night this week. So here's Tortilla Chips and Milk's midweek TV report. Bridal Edition.


Something Old...
How I met Your Mother (Monday 8:30pm CBS)

The third season of my second favorite sitcom (out of two) guest stars Enrique Inglesias and Mandy Moore as Robin and Ted try to get over their last season breakup. Enrique is the perfect rebound guy from Hell and sends Ted into neurotic spiral. In his quest to "win" the break up he ends up with a tramped up Mandy Moore. Ted somehow manages to get a "tramp stamp" as well. At least it wasn't syphilis The only bad part is that we had to hear both guest stars sing. Blech! I'm definitely sticking aqround for another season.

Something New...

Reaper (Tuesday 9 pm. CW)

I picked this premiere for the simple fact that it was directed by KEvin Smith. What I got was a Male Buffy the Vampire Slayer with a homeless man's Jack Black sidekick. The premise works pretty well for episodic TV. A 21 year old slacker finds out that his parents sold his soul to the DEVIL (Bwak!) In return he has to capture escaped souls from Hell. The Devil happens to be played by the same guy who played Leland Palmer on Twin Peaks, and yeah, he gives me the creeps. Looks like Reaper is gonna be a freak of the week type show with a some young adult emo drama thrown in. It was good stuff, but I happened to catch the pilot over the summer and noticed they had changed the love interest of the show from Nikki Reed (The OC) to Missy Peregrym (Stick It!) based on her guest spot on Heroes as an Illusionist, Michael. I have to say that I was impressed by Nikki Reed's OC run and is more my taste so I was kinda diappointed. Still the new choice isn't tough on the eyes either. I'll stick with it unless they pull a Smallville and turn all the focus on the chick.

Something Borrowed...

Bionic Woman (Wed. 9pm NBC)

This show reminds me of another show I've seen before. It's on the tip of my tongue...oh yeah it's DARK ANGEL! Seriously, they really don't take anything from the old 70's version of Bionic Woman other than the title and the Jamie Somers name . There is no Steve Austin singing Jamie songs or her crushing tennis balls. Quick Tangent: Wouldn't it be cool if they brought in "Stone Cold" Steve Austin to play the modern day Six-Million-Dollar-Man Steve Austin? What? Anyway while it takes little from the original Bionic Woman it lifts a shit load from Dark Angel and it's cybernetic, weapon of death, skin tight, chick fighting, stylings. I got one thing to say about that. "Word". It drags in the setup, but from the showdown with Bionic Woman v 1.0 to Jamie's hardcore speech about burying anyone they send after her it won me over. Two hot chicks fighting in the rain didn't hurt one bit.

Something Blew...

Private Practice (Wed 9pm ABC)

Take this as you will. It is paced exactly like Grey's Anatomy. If you like Grey's you will probably love this show. Me? I thought I would give it a shot since Addison was one of the few GA characters I liked and I did like the writing at times. After seeing the naked towel dancing sequence I wish that she could be my Black Kate Walsh tonight. Seriously. So that, combined with the pacing which was so annoyingly Grey's that I yelled "Focus" milliseconds before the cast did and that the formulaic GA wacky patient them is carrying over (They had to take semen from a dead guy) I decided to flip the channel and never look back.

Until I find a new catchphrase: That's how I roll, suckas!

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Leave Britney alone!

We all know how much I love to crack on Britney (because she just won't go away!) and I had a whole big thing planned about the VMAs, but ...

I'll just post this instead. :)

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