Kill the ________ 2: Electric Boogaloo joke already

Aight, so I was watching How I Met Your Mother, which is my favorite sitcom right now and usually a wonderfully hip show, but I heard this exchange and what do ya know ...RAGE!!!!

Ted: This is a big deal for you it's like it's your virginity the sequel.
Stella: (laughs) Virginity 2: Electric Boogaloo?

Aight, fucksticks, this has to end now! Cut the shit, I'm serious! Breakin' 2 came out 23 years ago!!! NEWSFLASH kids like me who saw the movie in the theater used Electric Boogaloo to describe dumb as hell follow-ups all the time. Shit, there was a period of two years where any sequel trailer we saw we'd add "Electric Boogaloo" to the title. We also used to let off stink bombs and piss in the same cups we drank our graveyards for yuks in the movies...you grow out of it.

Not to say that I didn't appreciate it when I heard it in Kicking in Screaming as "Jane 2: Electric Boogaloo" but that was 1995 and slacker inspired nostalgia humor was still kinda fresh. In the last 13 years that joke has been the trademark for the wannabe hipster. Red state entertainment journalists, college newspaper music reviewers, dumb ass morning radio DJ are the biggest perps here. Well, you know what? You aren't being hip when you recycle a joke that's old enough to guzzle Cristal and you're being nostalgic, but not for when you saw the Breakin' 2 (which you probably didn't) You're being nostalgic for when you last heard the flippin joke! Seriously, it's the stand up comedian equivalent of bagging on airplane food or making fun of white people dancing (k so maybe that never gets old).

Don't get me wrong, Breakin' and Breakin' 2: Electric Boogaloo should always have their place in the lexicon of pop culture references. I mean if someone were to say "Sheeeit, you dance better than Ozone" to bust on someone doing the robot or "Aw shit. they brought out the fat break dancing chick" when someone is flustered and has the deer in the headlights look, I would be the first to say "what up!" and pound the potato. If you want a sequel joke just wait a year or two when you'll eventually get the follow up to Snakes on a Plane. On second thought, you'll have to pick another sequel because that movie is gonna be awesome!

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The Rant: Iron Man

I really didn't want to see this movie. Iron Man has always been one of my least favorite comic book characters. I mean, Tony Stark is a wealthy playboy like my all time favorite character,Batman, but instead of beatin a sucka down, he hides in a suit of armor. That always made him seem like kind of a wuss. Like he was cheating, I like the superheroes with an underdog quality to them. Iron Man always seems like he has it too easy.

He's always been portrayed as a know-it-all, which isn't so bad, but throw in the alcoholism and this recent Civil War thing and he's at times insufferable to read. I can blame it all on this issue of the Avengers that I read when I was pretty young, where Tony Stark has a fling with the Wasp. So in case you didn't know the Wasp was the ex-wife of Hank Pym who along with Iron Man were founding members of The Avengers. So yeah, he's going after his friend's ex-wife. Strike One. Apparently, we learn that Tony Stark had not yet revealed to most of his teammates that he was actually Iron Man. So when they start seeing each other he decides not to tell her, which means Wasp is dating one of her teammates and she has no clue. If she knew she wouldn't have jeopardized team chemistry and never pursued the relationship. Strike Two. Anyway,Tony Stark waits until AFTER he hits it to reveal that he's really Iron Man. The furious Wasp then breaks it off. Strike Three! I remember reading that when I was a kid thinking that Iron Man was such a jerk. Of course, reliving that issue just now, I've come to the realization that Iron Man is actually pretty f'n awesome!

Warning!!!!! Spoilers galore after the jump.
I’ll say it right away; this movie is an absolute blast. I haven’t had this much fun watching a superhero movie since, Superman III and his evil nicotine mischief. It’s like they took my favorite elements of action movies and turned out a fresh batch of awesome. You have the cars of James Bond, the hi-tech goodies of Mission: Impossible, the one step ahead hero of Bourne Identity, mix that with a production that is every bit as kinetic as a Spider-Man movie and you have a blockbuster that doesn’t disappoint.

There were so many decisions that made this movie fun to watch. The main one being that they never allow Robert Downy Jr. any downtime at all during the movie, he’s constantly interacting with something whether it be the human characters, his robot assistants, or the armor (Jarvis) itself. The movie does not let him spare one ounce of wit and they wring out every possible opportunity for Robert Downey Jr. to carry this film.

Jeff Bridges beard and chrome dome is so unsettling at first glance you know he has to be the villain of the movie.

As a huge fan of “Hustle and Flow” I had a hard time seeing Terrance Howard playing second fiddle. I mean this is the guy who “Whupped That Trick” and slapped Skinny Black. Now I understand that he can’t be the star of every movie, but did he have to play such a wet blanket of a best friend. It seems like his entire dialogue was “Tony, grow up” “Tony you can’t do this. “Tony I don’t want to be involved” “Tony my pussy hurts”. I swear if this were a chick movie, Rhodey would be the girlfriend you love to see get dumped on her ass to a jangly pop tune.

As far as the pseudo love interest is concerned, is there less sexy name than Pepper Potts? Why didn’t hey just name her Herpina Hayes or Crabbie Cumquat? I’m glad they gave Gwen a little something beyond playing damsel in peril for RDjr. Hopefully someone will let these two carry a dialogue heavy indie movie.

I’m glad that the movie took the time to show the process of building and testing the armor. They could have easily gone the cheap montage set to that crappy version of “Iron Man” that they’ve been using to promo the film. Instead they took their time with it and gave us some of the funniest scenes in the movie.

Okay this movie wasn’t perfect, there was the disjointed plotline where the villains really weren’t developed at all. That guy was supposed to be bad-ass Mandarin? All he did was stand in menacing poses, get his face burned and put to sleep by Jeff Bridges. How did they soldiers not get overly suspicious when they saw what Tony Stark was building looked nothing like the missiles they were forcing him to construct? Why does a missile need a faceplate and devices that look like arms and legs? Stupid jihadists! Tony Stark powers up his boots for the first time and he goes flying into the lab wall. Obadiah Stane hops in his armor on first power up and has no problems kicking Iron Man’s ass…seriously, wtf?

There is a pretty cool Stan lee cameo, but the best cameo comes during the final credits. Let’s just say Tony might be hopping on a plane …with snakes on it.

/em cue Cobra Starship’s “Bring It”

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The Rant: Harold and Kumar Escape from Guantanamo Bay

When Harold and Kumar Go to White Castle opened I was lucky enough to see it at an Alamo Drafthouse Cinema where they served imitation sliders as part of the theme. I loved the movie and knew immediately it would be a cult classic since this is the one film that could unite anyone who has made a late night slider run...I also knew it would be limited to cult classic since that particular audience wasn't the necessarily the type to plunk down 10 bucks to see a movie. So four years later, John Cho and Kal Penn get their sequel and I'm left to wonder if I can really enjoy this film without the Quixotic journey to White Castle lingering in the background. Who am I kidding? NPH is gonna be in this here movie, yo! I'm sold. Here's the Rant for Harold and Kumar Escape From Guantanamo Bay, let me remind you that this is not a review and that there are SPOILERS galore. Cause (I need a new catchphrase since two years is a long time to roll, suggestions please) SUCKAS!


So the movie starts off where the last one left us. Harold and Kumar are on their way to Amsterdam to chase after Maria.

So, following the cosmic order of things, anytime you have characters who have just eaten 30 sliders and 4 orders of fries just hours before you have to address the White Castle shits. Like Harold in the movie I have experienced a roommate busting in the bathroom and taking a huge loppy WCS while I’ve been trying to shower. I still have Post sensatory traumatic syndrome from my Cincinnati experiences. It’s like the steam from the shower reactivates whatever undigested onions pass through and sit in the toilet. Just reminiscing over that oniony aroma mixed in with fast food poo makes me want to throw up…but it also leaves me craving White Castle. Seriously. Go figure.

As far as story structure goes this movie is almost identical to the original which isn’t a bad thing. It’s movie by numbers…instead of Freakshow, you get an inbred cyclops baby, instead of Maria you have Kumar’s former flame, you have the obligatory giant bag of weed fantasy scene. The villains have gone from Saltines to Ritz for the sequel. They’re a little richer, have a bit more flavor, but they’re still just crackers. NPH is back…but more on that later.

Cock-meat sandwich is probably the catch phrase most people are going to take from this move.

They also decided to bump up the blatant mocking of stereotypes a notch to really, most of which comes from the government figures in the movie. My favorite scenes were the interrogation techniques used on the black dude, the dumping of grape soda in order to coerce a statement and on Harold and Kumar’s Jewish pals, the dumping of approximately $7.00 worth of pennies.

The bottomless party…yeah it delivered, but it left me wondering if grooming trends for women are going back to “more hair down there”. Based on my experience it’s the opposite…and yes they’ve all been over 18! Jerks. Another thing that bothered me was a missed opportunity for a penis gag when H and K were forced to go bottomless. A Dirk Diggler prosthesis on Harold would have been comedy gold! In a movie that both wallows in the gutter (Kumar rubbed one out and spooged in his own face in the first two minutes) and likes to mock stereotypes they missed the obvious gag regarding Asian penis size.

Then there’s NPH. Neil Patrick Harris is back as Neil Patrick Harris. He loses impact with me since I’ve been a fan of “How I Met Your Mother”‘s Barney Stinson which is basically Harold and Kumar’s version of NPH without the drugs but with a suit. Still the idea of Doogie Howser plowing down the road chewing on shrooms is quite awesome.

I mean it SPOILER:

I guess the best way to put it is the way I described it on the phone last night. NPH gets blown away with a shotgun trying to escape a whorehouse where he had just branded his initials on a whore’s ass with an actual branding iron. Needless to say, Mother was disappointed when she heard this.

The romantic subplot was a waste of time and done terribly. Makers of Harold and Kumar, it’s 2008, you can have a realistic romantic plot filled with dick jokes aplenty and still make money at the box office. Signed, Judd Apatow.

There is a longer than I expected George Bush scene…I actually sympathized with the guy for a few minutes after I saw the movie. DAMN YOU HAROLD AND KUMAR!

So the ending has Harold and Kumar in Amsterdam with babes in tow and all of them are in love…with weed.

So…is it a well written story? No. Was the chased by the government theme a little gimmicky and charm tainting? Yes. Was it funny? Very. So it was mixed for me. I had a good time but wished for something better. Still early returns show that Harold and Kumar: Escape From Guantanamo Bay’s opening weekend did 3 times what the original did so there’s still a chance to make up for it in a third.

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The Rant: Juno

I was waiting for something big to get me out of blog hibernation and the combination of seeing Juno on the eve of the film recieving Oscar nominations for Best picture, Best Actress, and Best Screenplay seemed like a good choice to break my silence.

First thoughts: This film is like one big excercise of sarcasm and one liners as a defense mechanism for a serious situation (teen pregnancy) Since that's also how I roll, Juno fit me like a glove. As usual this is not a review, just some impressions. Spoiler Alert is on. Blogging cap on. Thunderbirds are Go! Thundercats HO!

Ellen Page plays the role of 16-year old Juno with a wonderful range and sensitivity. For the first few minutes I was worried that she would fall into the "I was a teenage Janeane Garofalo" trap, but that image was shattered. Her performance keeps you guessing and on your toes, but is equally engaging. Perfect for the coming of age story of a teenage girl who also happens to be preggers.

Michael Sera, who plays Juno's baby daddy, really needs to be cast as something other than the awkward, good-hearted, uncomfortable with sexual impulses teenager in his next project. There isn't much difference between his character in Juno, Paulie Bleeker, Superbad's Evan, and Arrested Development's George Michael Bluth. Still the film needs this type of character to work...I just don't want to see him playing this guy three years from now.

The dialogue is so over the top slang-mangling and sardonic that Juno becomes a Napoleon Dynamite-esque nursery for quoatables. When Juno becomes accessible at Blockbuster all your three-month-behind wannabe hip friends will say something to effect of "Home Skillet" or "Honest to blog!" and you will want to stab them in the eye.

As someone who grew up with a generation of teenage movies that portrayed adults as one-dimensional ineffectual foils for the know it all teen, I was happy to see all of the main adult characters given depth. they all have complications dealing with this situation and they all are sympathetic at appropriate times. J.K. Simmons of Vern Schillinger from Oz and J.Jonah Jameson from Spider-Man fame, plays a gruff but warm father, but I still half expected him to shank somene in a shower. Jennifer Garner slowly reveals there is more to her role as adoptive mother to Juno's child than batting cleaup for the Junior League All-Stars. Jason Bateman is perfect as the "clinging to the early 90's" guy who sold out and is reduced to having all the the things he feels defines him relegated to a spare room or boxes that are hidden away. He's easy to label as the "dick" of the movie, but I totally understood his aversion to the idea of becoming a father with the line "There are just some things that I still want to do". A bittersweet mix of both genuine and chickenshit at the same time, but I can relate.

Holy Shit! Sean from Degrassi sighting!!!

I loved that the movie wasn't afraid to take some luster off of Juno's wise beyond her years veneer. Her proclaiming the magic of '77s music scene when she wasn't even alive, her surprise that someone else might be familiar with "All the Young Dudes", and her emotional cracking when she realizes there are things beyond her maturity level that she can't deal with ,necessarily knock her down a few pegs. It sure beats having your main character lip synch "Shake it Up Baby" in the middle of a parade on a school day. Yes, once again, "Up yours John Hughes!"

The mood of the movie is set perfectly by the smother presence of Kimya Dawson on the soundtrack. Her sound becomes part of the films identity the way the Shins left their mark of "Garden State". Dawson, sorta-formerly maybe-still-is half of the Moldy Peaches, is just as quirky as the movie and creates an accompanying stream of conciousness that you end up sucked into Juno's world and situation whether you want to or not. Closing the movie with a cover of the Peaches'"Anyone Else But You" perfored by the main characters was absolutely perfect. Perfect enough that videos of emo couples performing their own versions may just outnmuber the "Soulja Boy Dance" videos soon enough.

I'm pretty sure that thousands of teenage dudes that left Juno with the same feeling I had when I first saw the movie Heathers. Ellen Page has Winona Ryder trumped with fanboy cred (she was X-Men's Kitty Pryde), and an Oscar nominatiuon. As of right now she is the defining young actress of her generation. The Juno Soundtrack is nearing the top of the charts, meaning the sounds of "The Moldy Peaches" could possibly reach Loggins-esqe proportions. Not bad...Society. Not bad. This almost makes up for "Snakes on a Plane". Now if you could just explain to me why you couldn't get behind "Walk Hard"

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The World Series Game One: Where are all the Black people?

Seriously, it's Game one of the 2007 World Series between the Boston Red Sox and the Colorado Rockies, but I'm not so sure this isn't the Stanley Cup! Really, where did all the African-American baseball players go? I'm going down the starting lineups and it's White, White, White, Dominican, Dominican, White, White, White, Japanese, White, White, Dominican and so on. I know LaTroy Hawkins who pitches for Colorado and Coco Crisp are African-Americans but they aren't likely to play a big part in the series. Between Matsui for Colorado and Dice-K and Okajima pitching for the Red Sox there will be more high profile Japanese players in this series than Black players. How the hell did that happen?

I don't think I've ever seen this high profile an event among the big three sports that didn't have a significan African-American presence. I'm not saying it's a good thing or a bad thing...it is what it is and it's just weird. Network TV is constantly under fire for it's lack of Blacks on screen...I wonder if the progaming directors at Fox sent notes to Rockies Manager Clint Hurdle telling him to pitch LaTroy at least an inning by Game 2.

The best performance by an African-American in game one was Boston Red Sox reserve Royce Clayton on Fox's Sounds of the Game. They were discussing the stolen base promotion where Taco Bell will give away a free beef taco after the first stolen base of the series. Royce was trying to explain that the promotion had to take place the day of the promotion and that any other way wouldn't make sense. It was actually funnier than an entire season of The Bernie Mac Show so I guess they hit some sort of quota.

The game itself...I had to switch during the marathion 5th inning with the Sox up by 10. I'm rooting for the Sox only because before the season started Jordan;s Furniture had a promotion that furniture bought during a limited time would be FREE if the Red Sox won the series. My sister was shopping for a sleeper sofa and against my urging bought her sofa from another store. Maybe if I'm right she'll listen to me next time.

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Premiere Week III: Cavemen

Aight suckas, there's just a few more premieres left and then we'll be settled into this TV season. So, we'll start tonight with recaps for Cavemen and Carpoolers.

Cavemen (Tues. 8:00 pm ABC)


Yeah, someone who's pulling in at least 6 digits really did greenlight this project. A Geico commercial turned into a full length 22 minute sitcom. I'm actually gonna bear down watch it, for such is my calling and I truly love y'all. If this day wasn't bad enough, I was diagnosed with 24 hour Tourette Syndrome by my fake doctor, so hang on we might experience some turbulence here. Temporary uncontrollable rage + Cavemen = How I roll.

Well it's a few minutes in and Cavemen hasn't really played out like I thought it would. I expected a rehash and extended versions of the actual commercials, like the therapist session, or the prejudice filled luncheon, or uncomfortable moments dealing with modern technology. Sure, it would be lame TV but at least those commercials are entertaining for 30 seconds. Which is sadly 29 more seconds of entertainment that we got from Cavemen.

Hey you dumbfucks! This is like having a show with that old ass lady from Wendy's and having her not give a fuck about the fucking beef!

The premise is that there have always been cavemen that have lived among us through and they still live with among us today. Apparently, they missed an obvious President Caveman joke...or caveman blogger joke (fuck you, by the way). Cavemen are just simply treated like another race. The finished product is a show about mid 20-ish to early 30-ish cavemen bachelors living the swinging life in San Diego.

ARRGH!!! if you were going to insert a race of people from a god-damned commercial, the fucking Cavity Creeps would have been more purposeful. They fucking make holes in teeth and they must be stopped. All the pretty morons in San Diego would have shitted themselves when they saw the Cavity Creeps coming!

After hearing these Cavemen banter about cheating girlfriends, unwritten dissertations, and dating outside the race, a Tortilla Chips and Milk hypothesis forms. The producers of this show were undecided about the direction of the project. So they took a failed pilot script about hip single guys of the same race and used it for this show. Maybe it was El Guapo Vatos or They Hung Lo or Wokking and Rolling (I couldn't pick) or Hide and Go Sikh or Single White Male Jews but whatever it was, they took out the original race in the script be it Mexican, Asian, Indian/Sikh, or Jewish, then "cut and paste, found and replaced" said race with CAVEMEN. So instead of hiring (god forbid) actual ethnic actors, they just took a bunch of cracka ass crackas, glued some hair on them and voila! Brand new show!

FUCK! This is like a cheap ass Entourage except it's about ordinary people. Ordinary people who have furry fucking faces. If you took the Cavemen out of the equation you'd be left with whiny, emotionally stunted pretty white people. Oh yeah,that show already exists it's called FUCKING GREY'S ANATOMY! If you wanted compelling TV you could have licensed the Herbal Essence women who have "organic" experiences. If you cast five hot women who walked around having fake orgasms all the time, that show would fucking rule! Oh wait that show already exists too. I've just described DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES! I can't fucking win! Assholes!

All you're left with at the core of Cavemen is a sorta topical, almost hip sitcom with some Flinstonian jokes thrown in. Our cast of Cavemen include a brainy one, a dumb one, a guy who works at an Ikea knockoff (those scenes were actually funny), the Cave-douche who thinks he's a stud, and a wholesome one. The wholesome one might have also been the dumb one, but it's hard to tell these guys apart when they all have fur on their faces. The sorta plot revolves around Ikea-knockoff-employee Caveman, who struggles with revealing to his Caveman friends that he is actually dating a dreaded homo-sapien or "sape". In the original script they probably used the term "homo-sapien" to replace the equally dreaded but rightfully shunned "Girl from Fresno".

Hey Mac Guy, I bet your Mac can't do spreadsheets like this, Fucko! Hey PC guy, I got to rub up on Megan Fox and I'm dating Drew Barrymore! Your PC sucks shit like this fucking goddamn stupid Cavebitch show!

Ahem, anyway, the ha-ha twist at the end is that while the Cavemen are all down with hot sapien, it turns out that the spaien girlfriend is a Furball chaser and that she's had more fur in her mouth than my cat. Seriously, insert your own choice of race and the show is much more entertaining. I'm going rewatch this episode and pick Serbs.

Hey look it's annoying text message girl! I heard they wanted to spec her for a new show too, but she got beat out by Cavemen. Let's see what she's got to say: FU ABC DIAF ASAMFP (Fuck You, ABC, Die in a Fire, as soon as mother fucking possible)

Aight that was just half of ABC's sitcom premiere next we have:

Carpoolers (Tues. 8:30 pm ABC)
You know what? Fuck this, I'm not watching this show. This is the same network that cancelled Sportsnight and they have the fucking nerve to air that Caveshit? Yeah I'm done with y'all. Sorry fat-kid-from-Stand by Me I'm not gonna watch.

Tech Tags: Cavemen

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The Fresh Prince to remake The Karate Kid?

Okay saw I saw this rumor printed here Will Smith directing a remake of Karate Kid with his son in the Daniel Role and Jackie Chan in the Mr. Miyagi role. I never thought I'd ever need to to type the words "karate kid remake" ever. Anyway here are the questions that immediately pop into my head.

Are all the Cobra Kai members going to be black this time, with one token white member who only has a brown belt?

How are they going to have the romantic storyline when the kid is probably going to be under 12 when the movie comes out? Elizabeth Shue was the sixth best thing in that movie and I mean that with the highest amount of praise possible.

Will they track down Bananrama for the soundtrack?

How is Mr. Miyagi whoopin ass gonna come as a surprise when we already know Jackie Chan can whoop ass? I mean most people knew the original Mr. Miyagi as the fry cook/proprietor on Happy Days. Having him whip ass was a total shock.

Is Will Smith gonna have a cheesy ass title song with the term "Karate Kid" in the lyrics? I nomitate that he sample "You're the Best Around" in order to kill two birds with one stone.

Will we hear the epic line "Get him a body bag...yeah!!!!!" ?

Will he spare us from having Jada Pinket Smith play a modern day Mrs. LaRusso?

Is it gonna be set in Reseda or Philly?

Got Zabka?

Will the penultimate scene in the movie be a karate move based on this?


Suckas gots ta know!

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