I haven't done one of these in awhile, but it's summer and I was recently reminded of something that really pisses me off to no end. Seriously, what I'm about to describe drives me absolutely batshit and I'm going to end up hurting someone because of it. It's bugged me ever since high school, more often in college, and most recently in any shithead type of restaurant or bar that tries to create an unrealistic mood through music. Alright here's the scene; alcohol is flowing freely, it's a summer night, a Jimmy Buffett song fades out, and you start to hear the organ fade in. It's Bob Marley's "No Woman, no Cry". Classic song. Everyone knows it by heart. You yourself probably bought "Legend" as you were discovering reggae music or trying to impress that cute guy/girl that smoked a lot of weed. Somewhere in the middle of the chorus your bound to hear this type of bullshit, more likely than not from a group of guys wearing bleached out baseball caps and Tevas.
Truer words have never been spoken, man. Fuck them bitches.
GAHHHH!!! I hate those non-contextual comprehending fucks that think "No Woman, no Cry" is Bob Marley lamenting about his rasta chick problems. As if "No Woman, No Cry" means that if you remove women from your douchebag equation, that you will no longer be sad. Have they ever even listened to the song? I'm sure they have because most of these fuckos are singing along for fuck's sake!!! For those of you who have no clue what I'm talking about here are the lyrics to the song Now after reading the lyrics, how is it possible that anyone who has completed the fourth grade could think that this is a pity party song about a getting your heart broken? Think about it, Bob Marley was too cool for that shit. If his woman was actin' up he wasn't gonna get all pussy-like and start whining. Fuck! If he were having girl troubles, he would have just gone outside blazed up a doobie, taken his guitar, thought about some history, and plucked out another perfect song to go with your hash.
By the way, you trifilin' motherfuckers who misunderstand "No Woman, No Cry", your woman probably dumped your ass because you're a dumbshit! Did you think the background singers were singing "everything's gonna be alright" to you? Get the fuck outta here you emotard! It's about a guy telling his woman not to be sad. Seriously, Bob Marley might have 99 Problems, but his bitch ain't one.
I've been letting this sit for a week now because I wasn't sure how to tackle this one. I mean I hate what MTV has become and it's fun to bash, but for someone who grew up in a rural small town MTV was THE ONLY outlet for anything outside the mainstream while you were stuck there. Before the Internet and a gazillion cable channels, growing up my options for music were the two shitty top 40 stations and Country music stations. That was it. So to say MTV wasn't influential in shaping my early tastes in music I'd be a big poseur. So yeah I watched a lot of MTV while I was stuck in that small town and pretty much whenever I was stuck in ANY small town. So I'll stay away from the bashing and try to give you some of my MTV highlights. I mean even if I feel that I've outgrown you, it doesn't mean we didn't have some awesome times! So here's Tortilla Chips and Milk's slanted view of MTV's last 25 years. Cue the squiggly lines. First of all, only half the town got MTV when it first launched, so if I wanted to see the world premier of "Thriller" or "Panama" I had to go to a friends house...oh come on now don't bag on the "Panama" yo, back then Van Halen was the shit!
So yeah, I was deprived every so often of seeing some life changing stuff, like the Duran Duran video with the boobies. I didn't miss everything though. I've mentioned this before, but there was no greater MTV moment than Madonna's "Like a Virgin" performance at the 1984 Video Music Awards. Mix that with pre-teen hormones and that's a memory to last a lifetime. It was when this cabin boy started to become a cabin man. Holy shit that was 22 years ago.
Still, my household was a few years away from being an MTV household. I was a little older and at the time I really didn't care much for the mainstream stuff that they would play. I watched mainly MTV's Closet Classics where they would play a lot of videos from the 60's. I was also a fan of 120 Minutes back then. What was cool about 120 Minutes, was that they would play ANYTHING alternative to top 40 at the time, which meant you could get Siouxie and the Banshees followed by Public Enemy or The Cure followed by the Surf MC's.
It really wasn't until the late 80's that I really became an MTV fan. What really got me hooked on MTV was "Remote Control" the off-beat slacker pop-culture trivia heavy game show, which was more experimental comedy performance piece than anything. You had character driven categories like Adam Sandler's "Stud Boy" and Flip the Laughing Guy who would laugh TV theme songs for the contestants to guess. Also the episode would feel incomplete if you didn't have "Sing Along with Colin" where Colin Quinn would sing off key in his cigarette sanded voice. It really was more like a party rather than a game show. my only regret was that I was too young to get on the show. Here's the intro to Remote Control.
Okay fine, I also watched the show because of the hostess Marisol and later Kari. I always though Marisol was hotter though. My other favorite MTV hotties of the time were VJ's Carolyne Heldman, China Kantner, redhead Julie Brown, not wubba, wubba,wubba, Julie Brown, I'll admit Kennedy had her finer days. Summer Sanders on Sandblast was a hottie as well. I don't think I ever missed an episode. Real World also had it's share of babes. My favorites were Julie and Becky from New York 1, Brynn from Real World Vegas and my all time favorite, Kat from Real World London, who is also in the PLWG Hall of Fame. I've also had a recurring 15 year old argument with a friend of mine who went semi-ballistic when Jon Stewart once introduced Duff as "talented". I think when I see her at New Year's I'll bring it up again. She is too, talented!
With the exception of Remote Control, Yo! MTV Raps as the greatest show ever in MTV history. I think I can speak for a number of suburban/rural hip-hop fans when I say that Fab Five Freddy and later Ed Lover and Dr. Dre when the show went daily, were perfect acessible gateways to rappers back then. The music hadn't crossed over yet and it was abrasive, scary, and just awful if you were whack! Here's a sample of some old school flava.
MTV Unplugged another show on about that time, it had very cool concept at the time, to strip the music down to acoustics. Sure it also begot that Layla bullshit remake and I could live happy without ever seeing L.L. Cool J's coagulated deodorant, again. Speaking of Layla, I was in an Air Guitar contest (performing the CB4 song "Sweat of My Balls") and some asshole did Layla unplugged and sat on a fucking stool with a sawed off broom handle the whole fucking time, he was serious too! What a toolbox! We should given him a Cell Block 4 Gusto beatdown after that. Where was I? Oh yeah, the Nirvana and Pearl Jam sets were probable my favorite Unplugged episodes. I was able to find my personal favorite Unplugged moments, though. The Cure's "Just Like Heaven" because I'll never forget the use of the toy piano. I followed it with De La Soul's "Ring Ring Ring" because that's always the overlooked performance from Yo! Unplugged
...from the soul , De La that is...
The Video Music Awards holds a lot of cool memories for me as well. Here are a few of my favorites, sadly I couldn't find Pee Wee Herman's "Heard any good jokes lately?"
I'll start with my all-time favorite VMA performance. The Red Hot Chili Peppers with "Give it Away". It's just a trip starting with the firecrackers and the onstage pit.
To this DAY I can't believe that "Everybody Hurts" beat out Spike Jonez and the Beasties "Sabotage" for just about every award in 1994. Here's the aftermath if you don't remember.
Um...too many easy jokes for this one...
Here's Triumph and Jennifer Lopez in a classic moment. Man does she look pissed. Whatever happened to J.Lo anyway?
I loooved the Chris Rock era as host. Here's a promo for his first year spooofing the Blair Witch Project. These 30 seconds are more entertaining than the whole flippin movie. It's also probably the last time you'll ever see Method Man, Chris Rock and Jeneane Garafalo share the same screen together.
I was a loyal viewer up until Chris Rock stopped hosting the show. There was nothing cooler than seeing a room full of artists I despised get destroyed by a "top of his game" Chris Rock. Oh yeah Backstreet Boys "We know how this story ends" Here's the clip from 2003 where he ends with a great R. Kelly-Olsen Twins bit.
I won't say much about the Real World, here. I was a fan up until the alpha and omega that is David singing "Come On Be My Baby Tonight." My other favorite Real World Moments were Julie convincing Kevin she was a whore, Anytime Dom was drunk. The episode where Neil bagged Kat and it turned out he had a girlfriend..in London. Cyrus baggin the Masshole chicks. Jason yelling at his off-show girlfriend Timber "I can't believe the way you (let me pause here because I'm a wanna be poet and I have to think of a good phrase with street cred) FRONTED!" The Masshole in Seattle who went psycho over Kira who worked for the show. OF course, Stephen smacking Irene. The blonde earthy chick from Real World Seattle doing a song produced by Sir-Mix-A-Lot. The crazy blonde chick in Real World Hawaii. The GREATEST moment of all time was the make out scene in Real World Chicago that used David's "Come On Be My Baby" tonight as it's back ground music. It was one of those "is that? no way...holy shit, it is...BWAH" moments. I retired from Real World at that very point. Hmmm. Maybe I did have a bit to say.
MTV had its share of great comedy over the years. Ben Stiller's Show was outstanding for it's time. Dennis Leary had a great series of promo spots back in the day. Jon Stewart got his start on MTV. MTV's standup show The Half-Hour Comedy Hour was also the first place I ever saw the aforementioned Chris Rock and Jeneane Garafalo perform. I'm going to save Beavis and Butthead for another time. Special props has to go out to the sketch comedy show the State, which featured two of my favorite sketch characters, Barry and Levon.
special Bonus: Porcupine Racetrack...which just recently was posted. I've been looking for this clip for awhile now. This one's for you Leebs!
Aight, maybe I've been catching a little bit of Sucker-free and Pimp My Ride lately but that's about it. I think my attitude towards modern day MTV is best summed up by one musician's assessment of Cribs. "Why don't they ever show their libraries?"
Aight I'm done, in the immortal words of Ed Lover A B C-YA!
In the month's GQ there's a cool article featuring the top dozen of movie pricks. "The Dickhead Dozen" Does a pretty comprehensive job. It includes two Zabka entries, Tommy from Valley Girl (who always seems forgotten) and Darryl from "Coming to America" cracks the top five, so there are no complaints. However, since we're on the topic, here are some of my favorite movie dickheads that didn't make the list.
Wade "You Got Served" He had all the ingredients for the prick formula. He was blond. He was a rich kid from Orange County trying to hustle the urban inner city kids. His crew had to cheat to win their first battle with Elgin and David, which ultimately led to the break up of the crew. Combine the shit-talking he does with that dance where he runs his hands over his face switching clownin' expressions makes his punchability factor extremely high. His comeuppance is that an arena chants "Served" as he walks off in defeat at the Big Bounce. Wade loses points since there's no girl involved and because no one will admit to seeing this movie.
Stab "House Party" Man what a career this guy had. He got to be the villain in House Party and House Party 2. Plus, as a member of Full Force he got to sing on Samantha Fox's "Naughty Girls Need Love Too". He lays the massive beatdown to Kid to start the movie and spends the rest of the movie looking to do so again. His trademark line is sniffing the air while saying "What's that I smell? I smell PUSSY" In the meantime, he also inspires to George Clinton to utter the classic line "I cried two tears in a bucket, fuck it!" Now a movie prick reaches the pantheon when even his prick posse thinks he's gone too far. Stab crosses that line when he schemes to get Kid out of the house party with gasoline and jack him when he comes out of the burning house. Burning house? Stab and the rest of Full Force get theirs when they are taken out to the docks by the cops and beaten severely. Stab loses points for getting punked out by the cops and not really being the rich pretty boy type.
O'Bannion "Dazed and Confused" One of the most memorable characters from this movie. Ben Affleck plays redneck badass to perfection here. Wonderful details for this character include, he failed his senior year so he gets to be the biggest dickhead to the Freshmen twice. His hazing paddle has a brazen "FAH Q" burned into it. His dressing down of the guy he's playing pool with is just awesome.
"Y'all are an embarrassment to the sport of pool and should be proud that I let play at my table. You are the worst pool player I have ever seen in my life. You keep watchin' me you might learn something...Okay homo, I hope you are ready to taste the agonizing bitter humiliation of defeat."
He gets his when the freshmen dump paint on his head when he has Carl cornered for an ass paddlin'. O'Bannion loses points because he's part of such a great ensemble. He's not in many scenes but pound for pound he's a dickhead hall of famer.
Kurt and Ram "Heathers" The jock, bully, date-raping, dickhead duo of the mother of Teen Movie satires, deserve mention here. "Who does that guy think he is, Bo Diddly?" was one of my favorite lines of all time. In addition to the charming traits in the intro they brutalize a nerd outside of a funeral, by twisting his arm and force him to say the following "I like to suck big dicks. Mmmm Mmmm I can't get enough of them." They get their just desserts when they are murdered in cold blood, with the scene staged to look they were gay lovers closing out a suicide pact. This leads one of the fathers to cry out at the funeral "I love my dead gay son!" If you haven't seen the movie, trust me, it was hilarious in 1989. The duo loses points because despite all their dickery, they are really quite harmless.
Shannon Hamilton "Mallrats" Ben Affleck gets props here for another one of his early roles. If being the manager of a store called "Fashionable Male" wasn't enough to make him a prick. Beating the shit out of Brodie while explaining his plans for his ex-girlfriend should put him in the movie dickhead Hall of Fame. He tells Brodie that he loves girls on the rebound because they are more open to suggestion after being in disappointing relationships. He then tells Brodie he's going to use the situation to his advantage to screw her in an uncomfortable place...and it ain't in the back of a Volkswagen. He gets his comeuppance when a tape of him having sex with a 15 year old is played in the mall. His pillow talk consisted of "Who's your favorite New Kid? Call me Joey,,,ooh yeah call me Donnie. Please don't go girl." Doesn't matter, Affleck was da bomb in Phantoms yo!
I wish I had jumped on this show from the beginning. I came across VH1's World Series of Pop Culture while I was in Vegas a few weeks ago. They had a marathon showing during the afternoon and my buddies and I spent a good portion of down time in the "Rain Man" suite watching show after show. We were tired, but not hungover thanks to DrWan's anti-hangover pills. Anyway, the WSOPC finals was this past week and I figured I'd utilize a good idea at least once. Here's the show in play along format. All the questions, no answers, along with my running commentary! Our first category is Tom Cruise movies, which gets a chuckle from the audience. They start out with a gimmie. If you think about it Tom Cruise hasn't really been the franchise film type since only one of his movies has spawned sequels. Kinda strange.
This made me think of Ben Stiller's early Tom Cruise parodies. I had to think about the title for a second...just a second though. 2 for 2 suckas!
Heh, a guy I knew used Top Gun as his closer movie with the ladies. He kept using it so I guess it worked...or he really liked Top Gun in the Tarantino way.
This one I actually had to just guess, since I've never actually seen the whole movie. I guessed right though.
The hardest question so far. I just remembered this because it starred Timothy Hutton, who was the hot young actor of the day. Strange how things turn out.
Crap!!! I missed this one. I guessed Rob Lowe. Even if I had gone Swayze with my second guess it would have been wrong too. I just figured they would have given the most entertaining toasts.
I was living in the south at this time ...so, yeah.
There was no way a teenage boy at that time would have not seen this movie because of Elizabeth Shue. Sadly I'll also admit, years before I ever set foot inside a bar, my friends and I made a "Cocktail" parody video to "Hippy Hippy Shake" where we pretty much threw bottles and glasses filled with food colored water all over the place. Once again...Thank God I didn't grow up in the YouTube generation.
I actually saw this movie in the theaters and I still had no clue! What a horrible night that was, we went to two different theaters and waited two showtimes just to get into a movie where they...kept...talking...like...this..all ...movie...long.
Missed this movie...I had no clue.
This was actually the last award winners of the last 10 years. It only went one deep in the answers. Kinda surprising, I could have done about four or five.
For those fans of the show the Boeghy Bunch won that round! The next category is TV Teen Dramas. Um...I don't know if I should be playing along now. Okay so I got that one, but in my defense I have a younger sister who was a fan of the show. Okay so that's two now. My sisters also liked that one. Plus it once had an episode guest starring Juliana Hatfield! Uh...I watched the show because Katie Holmes is hot?
Aight, FINE I have no excuse for knowing this one. HATERS!
Come on, Buffy at least has some cred to it, y'all!
Finally!!! I had no clue there ;) I'm gonna go start a barfight now just to go prove something. No apologies here...The pre-Oliver OC episodes were really great TV, yo! I can proudly say I've never seen a Gilmore Girls episode. The category only goes 8 questions in. Awwww...I mean...El Chupacabra wins. Next category.
It's 1990's song lyrics. I'm not going to shy away from saying this is my absolute strength right here. I was totally immersed in music back then and I was still exposed to a lot of mainstream stuff at the time as well. I used to have a game I'd play with this girl I was interested in back in the day. We'd start talking completely in song lyrics and see how long we could keep it going. Our record was close to an hour once over coffee. Yes, I have a strange way of wooing women. It's like RAYAYAIIIIN on your wedding day! Sorry, I couldn't help it.
On the list of greatest songs of all time and I'm not even a big U2 fan.
True story. I went to the wedding of a childhood friend of mine in rural Kentucky who played the country version of this song over the church speakers in the middle of the ceremony. I kind of teased him about it afterwards, he said it was his wife's idea after they said no to his suggestion. He was going to sing "Lady" by Styx as he played it on the church's baby grand piano. The patron saint of unintentional comedy wept that day for the loss.
This song quite possibly kicked off one of my favorite eras in music.
The only reason I remember this song is because it started a legendary fraternity boy hissy fit in our house living room when Arsenio Hall refereed to this guy as the next James Taylor or something.
Hated this group with a passion. I'll give it away if I mention why. Just...HATE!
Sweet! This song is on one of my YouTube mixtapes. It's kinda tough when the host just reads the lyrics without the familiar cadence.
Another song that's tough without cadence. I actually had to think about this one for a sec.
I used to love to belt this song out. It's such a fun song to sing. I wonder if the karakoe bar has it...hmmmm. We only go nine in. Chupacabra takes this category as well.
We now go to fictional locales. El Chupacabra has a 2 to 1 advantage. In all serious the show is intense as shit! Embarrassingly enough I blurted out the wrong answer. There is no such place as the Kwik-E-Stop. Damn you Kevin Smith!!!
It's questions like these, that make me really want to play, just so I could get theatrical with it. Makin' their waaaaaaayyy the only way they know how!
Sadly, that applies to this question as well. Them young girls they do get weaaaarryyyy!
We've got a pattern here! I'll choose Judge Smails...Oh Billy Billy Buh-illly.
Wow. I don't know this one. Totally drawing a blank. Wow. It saves me from doing the Elaine dance.
The cancellation of this show and "Sportsnight" led to me scorning the three big networks. With very few exceptions, like Grey's and "How I met Your Mother" I've stayed away pretty well. I'll probably add Studio 60 to that list in the fall as well. Come on! If you don't get this one you are a total *draws shape in the air* square! Wow I really would have lucked out on this show. A question inspired by TC and M Mt. Rushmore inhabitant Billy Dee Williams? Shoot, where's the signup for next year, yo! Okay, the dude from the Boeghy Bunch has just missed a Caddyshack, Pulp Fiction, and Empire Strikes Back question. I didn't think that was possible for any guy contestant in their late 20's early 30's. At least one of the three should have been answered by ANY guy on this show.
Just for shits and giggles I would have said syphilis. Just because I've always wanted to say syphilis on TV. I had no clue on this one.
Was there anything cooler than seeing "Angel Heart" while the Cosby Show was in it's prime? Anyway I was a fan of both Cosby and A Different World so I got this one. They both missed it and El Chupacabra wins $250,000 dollars for this yo. I'll bet it will be bigger next year. I now have a new short term goal in life. Now I just need to find two other pop culture jerks!
Okay I got sucked in to the Snakes on a Plane Promo at CafePress. Apparently, they are letting the licensing restrictions go and you can hawk any of your own Snakes on a Plane inspired merchandise. It sounded like fun, so I scrambled and put together this Snakes on a Plane inspired design.
I'm not very proficient at Photoshop, but the idea of a snake in a Kangol had to be done. You can check out the TCM Cafe Press Shop by clicking here : TCM Snakes on a Plane design
I swear the marketing juggernaut known as Snakes on a Plane keeps Ridin' Dirrrty Yo!!
There are muthafucking snakes on my muthafucking phone!
I just got a Snakes on a Plane personalized voice message from "F'N" Samuel "F'N" L. "F'N" Jackson himself telling me to get ready for the August 18th premiere of Snakes on a Plane!!!
I see a little silhouetto of a man, scaramouche,scaramouche will you do the fandango? We start out the show with a Mia Michaels choreographed group routine. It's steely, cold, incomprehensible and at points ugly. Too bad it sets the tone for this entire show. Some strange stuff tonight y'all. A Joan Crawford look-alike comes out to introduce the show...Holy Crap! What did they do to Cat??? It's amazing what one bad color choice can do to an attractive woman. Seriously yo, this reminded me of when was shopping with one of my exes and she let the girl behind counter pick out some lipstick for her to sample. She tried it on sans mirror and asked for my opinion. I mouthed "Hell, no" and she saw the mirror and grabbed counter-girl by the collar and said "get this off me , NOW!" Ah good times. So yeah, that's some pretty fucked up lipstick.
We review last night's show. AKA "Everybody Hates Ivan and Natalie." The Jidges are in a festive mood tonight so me thinks their evil plan worked. So tonight each dancer performs a solo and for no other good reason other than to politic for next weeks show the Jidges will have commentary tonight.
Natalie is up first and she dedicates her solo to someone in the audience: Seriously ,I don't have to fantasize tonight,it's for Allison and she's moved to tears. I guess she had seen her friend raked over the coals last night or she just had a feeling of what was coming. Then we pretty much have a continuation of last night. Nigel pontificates that Musa isn't half the dancer Natalie is, but when he left he took some magic away from her and that he wanted to root for her, but he's lost something every week. Crowd Boos! I Boo! Seriously is this necessary. THERE IS NO VOTING TONIGHT! You know she's going home, this is just mean, yo. Mary says she's got the looks and personality and that she's a good dancer, but gets too theatrical . She loves it though. Mia tells her to stop trying so hard.
Heidi does her solo. Nigel says that she's improved so much that if the show had gone on for another five weeks, she would have a chance to win. What the fuck? This is really unfair. I'm not the biggest Heidi fan but he just cut her legs out from under her. What the hell is going on? Mary says she deserves to be here and to go all the way. Mia states proudly that she is shocked that she is still in the competition. She says that she's not versatile enough. Nigel for some reason gets argumentative even though he basically just said the same thing and points out that Mia choreographed Heidi and it turned out beautiful. Instead of replying "Cos I rock!" She hem haws that Heidi struggles with technical styles style of dance. Nigel puts on his hypocrite face and reminds Mia that we're talking about "favorite" not "most technical". It's Nigel's show dammit only HE can declare someone not good enough to win. Truly bizarre.
Donyelle does her solo to "Buttons" by the Pussycat Dolls. Man, I would give anything to have been the guy to come up with the rhyming couplet of "buttons" and "frontin'" I'd be toolin' around in my magic car with platinum rims daw! Hey look it's Jason!I'll take the sign to mean "back" in the Sir Mix=A-Lotian sense. It's not like sexy went away and Donyelle returned it. Nigel says Donyelle has gotten lost in the Benji partnership and says that she's an inspiration, cause she's ya know, normal sized. Mary says she's got soul piercing eyes. Mia says that Donyelle has leveled off. Mary tries to use D's toe as an excuse. Mia ain't havin' it.
Travis's turn. Nigel says that if it were based on technical skills he would have won already. He says he wish that he had more confidence. Mary says he leveled for a bit and fought back and has blown her away. Mia says he serves it with no apologies and owns the stage. Well, now that wasn;t prepared at all. She also says that she would be content hiring him forever and ever or something like that.
Ivan's is up next. Nigel applauds him for being the only untrained dancer left. I guess those videos of all those Ivan classes online don't count as training. Nigel says that he has grown and hopes he follows the trailer of movie "Step Up" and takes classes just like the hip-hop dancer in the commercial did. Mary reveals Ivan just saw Seabiscuit recently and she hopes Seabiscuit is still going. Mia loved working with him this week and gives a precious "I love you".
Benji parts oceans and glows with the light of a thousand sarcastic suns with his west coast swing solo. Nigel says that if it were on performance skills Benji should win the whole thing. Mary explains her backbone, wishbone, and funny bone. Blah Blah Blah. Mia says she was disappointed with all his limitations as a dancer but says that he's a star and he's special.
Some dude performs.
Okay the first girl announced safe is Heidi. The first guy announced is Travis. So it's the dead pair walking against the Benjelle. Okay there goes the suspense. Natalie is eliminated and lets out and "O-PAH" If this were a 70's sitcom they would have starting breaking plates and shit. Ivan pops and locks after he's eliminated. It's really a cool scene to see Ivan and Natalie's attitude on exiting.
Here's your final four...not the happiest bunch. I guess they've just seen what will happen to two of them next week if they aren't the jidges chosen ones.
