I Can Forgive Her, But I Don't Have To Because She Screwed With My Chickens

Seriously, could I make up an episode title like that?

Anyway, after a few days delay, I've watched the first episode of "Survivor: Cook Islands." And I'm not ready to kill Mark Burnett ... yet.

So we've got a shipwreck theme going on this year -- that's cool. I was a big fan of the pirate theme of "Pearl Islands," and "Exile Island" kind of overdosed on the skulls last year. But the shipwreck offers some nifty things to do with challenges and such.

The Survivors are on a nifty tall ship, and Probst tells them about their grand "social experiment." I swear if I hear that phrase one more time, I'm gonna hurl. The contestants look about as thrilled with this as I am. Seriously -- they signed up for a game show, not the civil rights movement.

One small victory -- the buffs are not yellow, brown, black and white. They've shown *some* restraint.

Probst says they've got to grab whatever they can salvage and get off his boat! Mad scramble ensues. At one point I thought I heard Probst actually say "If your asses aren't off this boat, I will start shooting!" Umm Jeff? I know you think you're cool and all, but you're not gonna pop a cap in someone's ass. So stop it.

Unless he would have pulled out a paintball gun or something, because that would have rocked!

The Survivors struggle ashore, and we get a series of interviews about what they think about the game so far. One girl (it's gonna take me a few episodes to learn names) wonders if this is "all kosher," which gets a giggle out of me. One of the Asians points out how silly it is to group people from different backgrounds together as generic "Asian," and I've got to agree with her. The African-American tribe is very concerned about "representing," and want people to know they can do more than run track. And Billy, on the Latino tribe, says they've got an advantage because they're used to tropical climates, or some such shit. Dude -- you're from New York. When's the last time you were in a tropical climate?

One girl says "social experiment." Excuse me for a second -- I gotta go brush my teeth and get a breath mint.

We get a pretty good introduction to each of the tribes, which I'm going to break down by tribe instead of scene by scene.

Hiki (African-American) -- Sekoe, the older jazz musician thinks he's the leader. Apparently being a leader means "being a bossy ass and taking a lot of breaks." Rebecca and Sundra have similar backgrounds and bond quickly, and the two guys bond, leaving Stephannie on the outs. They make a shelter that looks like a palm-covered cube with a lot of cracks about low-rent housing and "this is so ghetto" but they're hopeless at fire -- maybe because Sekoe boasts about how good he is at making one, rubs two sticks together twice, and then wanders off to take a nap on the beach.

Rebecca and Sundra get way too excited at finding water ... with a map. Hello? You're not Magellan here. You had a map. Get over yourselves.

Puka (Asian) -- Maybe it's just my fondness for anime, but there is some eye candy on this team! Yul is hot -- and he's got hair!

Cao Boi (sounds like "cowboy") obviously isn't taking this whole race war thing seriously -- he was cracking Asian jokes on the raft ride to the island. There's a rift developing between him and the rest of this team, which is pretty yuppie -- they don't like his wisecracks, and he says he is the only "real Asian" of the bunch. (He's a refugee from Vietnam.) But he shows some skills in foraging and Eastern medicine -- there's this whole bit where he pulls the "bad wind" out of Brad, curing his headache but leaving a big red dot on his forehead.

I think Puka would be making a mistake to get rid of Cao Boi too early -- boy's got skills. And he reminds me of Billy Bob Thornton. Keep him until the merge, kids.

Aitu (Latino) -- Ozzy shimmies up a palm tree like a hot little monkey and there's coconuts for everyone!! Billy tries to take over the building of the shelter and fails miserably. Ozzy slides into a leadership spot without being an ass about it. Ozzy either has a shot at being a power player or he's deader than disco.

This is the team I felt we know the least about -- hope they get some more play in later episodes.

Raro (Caucasians) -- Team Whitey (don't blame me, they said it) is a bunch of rotten chicken stealers! Jonathan apparently snagged Puka's chicken in the chaos at the beginning because "the chickens were free, so I took them."

They've got a *pile* of supplies -- two machetes, a lantern, two Hawaiian slings for fishing, a lobster trap, food -- bunch of stuff. The chickens are placed in an overturned box for safekeeping.

Two minutes later one of the girls wanders by and picks up the box. Damn, those chickens can run! Raro chases chickens. This is hysterical -- every show should have stupid people chasing chickens!

The chickens win! Yea for the chickens! They stay in the jungle and make mocking chicken noises at the stupid people.

Jonathan is pissed he lost his chance to choke a chicken.

These jokers don't even *try* to build a shelter. They just curl up on the beach and complain about being cold. Himbo Adam is thinking about hooking up with Candice. Yeah ... wait five days without showers, toothpaste or deodorant and see if you still think that's a good idea.

Challenge time! This one is for reward and immunity, and it's a tough one. The teams have to put together a puzzle boat, row out to a barrel, get fire, row back, run to a stand with four more puzzles, put them together, use parts of the puzzle boat to build a ladder, put the four puzzles in a large compass, climb to a platform and light their torch. First three teams to finish get firestarters.

Aitu is the first to get their boat together. Take that, stereotypes! They're rocking this challenge, but lose some time when Billy falls behind on the run to the second puzzle. Puka is solid, Raro's boat starts to fall apart in the water and they have some trouble paddling, and Hiki ...

Hiki has issues. They can't get their boat together, and when they finally do, they can't paddle for shit. Probst, who has a kickin' new cowboy hat, is shouting at them to move their butts.

Puka pulls ahead to win, and gets a firestarter and a kit of kindling and other goodies. Aitu slides into the No. 2 spot. Raro forgets to put the puzzle pieces into the compass, and Probst has to yell at them. They still beat Hiki.

Hiki, full of "beautiful people with beautiful souls," is headed for Tribal. But they get to send someone else to Exile Island. Nate and Sekoe pull away from the women and pick chicken-stealer Jonathan. The Hiki women aren't happy they were cut out of the decision.

Stephannie is the swing vote. Sekoe tries to get her on the guy's side, saying that Rebecca and Sundra are leaving her out. But those two are already talking to her about booting Sekoe.

Sekoe then starts talking about how if Hiki boots him, there won't be anyone to take care of things. No one else will be able to make a fire. Decent tack to take -- if Hiki had a fire!!!

Bye-bye, Sekoe! Nate makes an "I'm so screwed" face.

Next week: Aitu considers throwing a challenge to get rid of some dead weight.

Tags: Survivor, TV, Reality TV

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The Rant- The Last Kiss

Okay, the last rant I did was on Snakes on a Plane and I'm still stinging from the aftermath of that opening weekend. I'm bringing back The Rant to get on with things. After some anticipation, I saw The Last Kiss today. I'm quite a big fan of Garden State and The O.C. So a movie co-starring Zach Braff and Rachel Bilson seemed right up my alley. Some of my favorite movies have been coming of age romantic comedies, but those movies aren't as prevalent as they were in the late 80's through mid 90's so I was hoping for a good one to add to the list. As usual, I won't give a full fledged review, just impressions. If you don't want to be spoiled stop reading now.

Let's start out by saying that The Last Kiss is NOT a quirky, light-hearted, romantic comedy romp set to jangly music. The movie is glum, heavy handed, and tries to be cerebral, with lots of depressed looks and eyes closed meditation thrown in for good measure. The Last Kiss does have it's cute quirky moments but for the most part the tone is a somber one.

The Last Kiss centers around four friends all about to turn 30. There's Izzy, the guy who was freshly dumped by the love of his life and going crazy. Kenny is a bartender who bangs freely and runs like hell at the wiff of commitment. Chris, who has to deal with a punishing wife and a screaming baby, and Zach Braff as Michael, who just knocked up his girlfriend of three years but won't commit to marriage until she can name five married couples who worked out. Sounds like Paj and his Amazing Friends...it's not something I really needed to go to the movies to see. I've either lived it or lived vicariously through it.

FINALLY, there's an scene in a movie where the boyfriend farts on his girlfriend!!! It's about friggin' time!

Jacinda Barrett, plays Jenna, Michael's knocked up girlfriend. She was also the Australian model in Real World: London. She does a good job, but I kept waiting for her accent to slip. I also thought of her Real World roommate Kat whenever she was on-screen. mmm mmm mmm

If you're looking for a movie with well developed women characters, The Last Kiss ain't it. Jenna is perfect, not for anything she says or does, but because the movie says so. Kim, Rachel Bilson, is desirable, not because she's brings something new to the table, but because she's a co-ed, flirty, and accessible. If I didn't have her Summer Roberts character to fill the gaps, there would just be an attractive petite brunette.

The women characters are all so clingy,needy,and starved for attention and answers, that you really sorta hope that all the guys take off to South America. Still, they sit around waiting to be left, come back to, or forgive their men so there's no need to bother. At times you just want to yell out a phrase I have heard many, many, many, MANY times before, "Dude, the girl is CRAZY, you are much better off without her"

Seriously, this movie is such a downer when it comes to relationships that even the couples that stay together by the end don't seemed destined for happiness at all.

Apparently, Zach Braff compiled this soundtrack as he did for Garden State. If he gets that gig for all of his movies I wish he'd put some hip-hop on his iPod.

The mood really kills what could have been a great movie, because all of the actors showed flashes of being able to do so much more than what they were given. The strength of the actors kept me interested until the end.

There is a pretty cool cell phone scenario which also plays really well. It's one of the two "Dude, shut the fuck up!" moments in The Last Kiss and both scenes were done well enough leave me cringing.

All in all the movie was just "okay" with the actors charm being the films saving grace. It definitely wasn't what I was expecting, nor was it really what I was looking for.

Finally, standing with a boombox over your head > sitting your cheating ass on a porch.

Tags: The Rant, Movies, The Last Kiss

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Fashion Trends I Wanna See: Let's give that wearing gear backwards another try!!!

Aight, about 15 years ago, two pint-sized pee-wee rappers conveniently named Mack Daddy and Daddy Mack, collectively known as Kris Kross, dropped a bomb called "Jump" and had some minor joints like "Warm It Up" and "I Missed the Bus". To "coordinate" with their Totally Krossed Out gimmick, they were also known for wearing their clothes backwards...'cause inside out was wiggidty wiggidty wiggidty WHACK! Now, I was already past the shorty stage, so I never tried it, I was preoccupied with getting my grown man on. Plus, if you have any ass at all, to rock your jeans comfortably in reverse they'd have to be baggy as hell. I know the backwards trend caught on for a little bit with the little kids who were into Kris Kross and it worked as a pretty distinct look for them as you can see in this video for "Warm It Up" right here:

Damn, seeing all that Starter gear makes me all misty-eyed, yo! I say it's time backwards makes a comeback y'all. Think about it. If you're rockin' the fresh #13 Lakers throwback and you come up to your homes and they gotta ask you who #13 was. You gotta turn your ass around, show them the name on the back of the jersey, and then you gotta clock your homie in the eye for being such an ignant ass chump. You rock that throwback backwards, they can see that "Chamberlain" coming right at 'em and they KNOW you reppin the dude who laid the pipe to over 10,000 girlies. You pound the potato with your homeboy and nobody gotsta clock nobody. If you can't get with that, you can get the finger...THE MIDDLE.

Speaking of laying the pipe, to show you how to properly rock the All Krossed Out is our Tortilla Chips and Milk male model, Dartagnan.

Welcome aboard Dartizzle. Suckas! Roll we how that's because.

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Don't depress me, "Survivor"

T-minus two hours to the "Survivor" premier, and things aren't looking good. In fact, it's looking like the first immunity challenge will be something involving shark-jumping.

I have a strange relationship with "Survivor." Since I'm gonna blog about it (a lot, it appears) I feel the need to explain.

For years, I was the one who didn't watch reality TV. At all. "Read a book," I'd sneer, as the cooler kids planned tiki-themed watching parties and gossiped about Jeri and Colby.

I didn't know Richard Hatch was the naked guy who didn't pay his taxes, and I was happy that way. I didn't bother "Survivor," and it didn't bother me.

Fast forward to 2003. My father had a series of illness and mishaps that led to a slow decline. He spent nearly seven months in hospitals and rehab facilities, and that meant I did too.

As time passed, he lost interest in most of the things he'd enjoyed -- even football. Desperate for anything to talk about besides test results and infection counts, I latched on to the last thing he'd rouse himself for -- "Survivor."

It was "Survivor: Pearl Islands" -- yeah, the one with that Rupert guy in the tie-dye shirts. But my dad *loved* Rupert, and every Thursday he'd get a little stronger, a little more alert -- at least from 8-9 p.m. So I watched "Survivor" too, and we could talk about how many fish Rupert caught or how rotten Johnny Fairplay was and try to forget about all the other stuff.

And when he died, we even arranged the funeral so my husband, my mom and I would be home in time to watch Rupert. I haven't missed an episode since.

It's the strangest things that keep you sane.

So don't fuck with me, Mark Burnett!!!!!

I know why you dropped the race bomb -- "Survivor" was slipping in the ratings, and needed some press. And you got it.

But was this the press you were looking for? ABC News reports that white-supremacist Web sites are buzzing, and according to Yahoo, internet searches for the terms "Survivor protest" and "Survivor racism" are way, way up.

Way to brand, jackass.

I don't agree with your little race war, and I didn't like it when the teams were separated by gender or age, either. There's ethical reasons, but there's a basic one for me, the watcher -- it's boring!

For some reason, "Survivor" contestants tend to cling to the people on their first tribe like they've been BFF from age five. Last season, Casaya was so disfunctional CBS should have flown in Dr. Phil. This group *hated* one another. But they stuck together and merrily voted all the "outsiders" off after the merge. The race thing? Yeah, it will probably only last three episodes or less, but it will make this tendency that much worse.

Foregone conclusions aren't much fun.

So I'll watch -- damn you Mark Burnett, I always watch! But don't expect me to be nice about it.

War is hell.

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Rachel Bilson Cast as Wonder Woman? Ew!

Rachel Bilson, Summer from the OC, has supposedly been cast as the lead for the upcoming Wonder Woman motion picture. I caught this report at comicbookmovie.com I'm a fan of her work on the OC, especially when she dressed up as Wonder Woman for Cohen. (way to go Wonder Whore!) I'm probably gonna watch "The Last Kiss" this weekend too, but isn't she a little short to be playing an Amazon Princess? She's gonna need some big ass heels to hit the 5'8 to 5'10 range that would fit the Wonder Woman character. At least she doesn't need to worry about being able to see over the dash of the invisible jet. For a preview of what Miss Bilson will look like in a Wonder Woman outfit, the aforementioned OC scene can be found here.

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Tidbits from the last few days

First of all, HBO has already decided to renew The Wire for a 5th season. I couldn't be happier and now I can be assured of 24 more episodes of the best show on TV. The first two episodes of the season are really setting the table for some riveting drama. Watch it, or don't, but you won't regret it if you do.

Okay, y'all probably know that I'm a YouTube addict, but is there a bigger non-story than the lonelygirl15 saga? I'll admit that I had seen a few of the videos in question, but is it really newsworthy? Really though, the internet thrives on contrived, attention-sucking stuff like this. Because when it comes down to it, we're all jerks! To see how a real lonely girl rolls, check out Hope is Emo, from the same crew that brought you Ask a Ninja.

Whitney Houston files for divorce? Put that in the "no shit" category. Which song pops in your head first regarding the Whitney Houston-Bobby Brown breakup? "Don't Be Cruel" and "My Perogative" are in my head right now just thinking about it. If you said "I Will Always Love You" you'd better be wearing a skirt, Alice. If you said "Mr. Telephone Man" we gots ta hang.

If you've ever wanted to pick up the car phone to perpetrate like you was talkin' http://popularitydialer.com/ will call your cell phone at a pretdetermined date and time AND play a prercorded half of a conversation ranging from a dude or chick asking to hook up later to your boss calling for business. I can think of at least three occasions when I would use this service. It's free with limit of five calls per cel number.

The controversial new Survivor season starts tomorrow. Personally, I can't wait. To see all those racial groups put together, then segregated...it will look just like every college campus I've ever visited. Good Times!

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Dancing with the Stars and Klosterman

In the last few days I've been churning through the latest book by one of my favorite writers, Chuck Klosterman IV:A Decade of Curious People and Dangerous Ideas. I'm through the midway point of this collection of celebrity intervews and pop culture essays and I'm really enjoying it, still, I've been shirking my reality-TV watching duties. So what the hell, I'm gonna watch the premiere of Dancing with the Stars while I enjoy my book. 'Cause that's how my leisure time rolls.


Aight, I missed the first two dancers and catch DWTS in the middle of Tucker Carlson's routine. Now, I haven't paid attention to him since the eve of Jesse the Body's Gubernatorial victory in Minnesota. Carlson was just starting out as an analyst on CNN and totally dismissed the win as a "Beer Vote" victory. I would have loved to have heard just ONE talking head admit that someone whose livihood depended on evoking emotions of the general public to the point they would pay money to see his ass get kicked in a pro wrestling ring, actually has better chance of relating to said public than your average politician. Anyway, I zoned out so much I totally missed the dancing part. Just picture your favorite political analyst doing ballroom dancing and there ya go.

In the book I'm going over Klosterman's essay on how everyone should have a nemesis and an arch-enemy in their lives and how to differentiate between the two. He explains this dichotomy by saying that a nemisis is someone close to you, even a friend, that you despise and internally measure yourself against, while an archenemy is someone you hate and seek to destroy. Now I'm pretty sure who my nemesises have been in life, but I don't think I have an arch-enemy. Still, I do remember a time that I HAD to be someone's arch-enemy. It was my senior year in college and I had swiped two women under this one guys nose several months apart. The first one, on a Saturday morning me and this guy were the only spectators of a womens college tennis match...I mean seriously who goes to those unless there's more than tennis and school pride at stake. Anyway, he got the "hey" while I got the dinner date...joke was on me though, since I was just in her attention-giver spot, still a win is a win, yo. The second girl turned out to be a longtime crush of his and I ended up dating her for a good while. Of course that just began a decade long on again off again tumultuous relationship, so I guess the joke was on me again...if that guy only had better game...now that I think about it, maybe I do have an arch-enemy.


The book is kicking Dancing with the Star's ass right now. I missed the girl from High School Musical, but really, she's from High School Musical, she's gonna be okay in the voting...you know who else was in High School Musical? Allison.


After the popularity of Jerry Rice last season, they bring back another Hall-of-Fame caliber football player to ballroom dance. This time it's former Dallas Cowboy and the NFL's all-time rushing leader Emmit Smith. I actually put the book down to watch this sequence and he's actually pretty good. Naturally, he would have good footwork, unfortunately he looks like a behemoth compared to his slender partner. His routine was really entertaining and he came off as really likeable. Now I don't if the producers realize this, but Emmit Smith is ten times more popular than Jerry Rice ever was and Rice rode his football fame all the way to the finals...I can't see Emmit not going as far in this competition.

A commercial for Talbott's comes on...I want to punch myself in the face for watching a show that matches a conservative women's clothing store's target demo.


Klosterman's essay discussing how there shouldn't be any "guilty pleasures" when it comes to pop cutlture is probably the most positive piece I've read where Road House is discussed extensively. I totally agree with Klosterman here. Tortilla Chips and Milk is filled with what most people would label "guilty pleasures". It's entertainment to me and what I seek out for my entertainment changes from piece to piece and it's not always quality or consistent, but it's my own. I make no apologies for it, therefore I feel no guilt...SUCKAS!

Willa Ford sang something once, but was more well known for stealing a famous boyfriend or something right? Why do I even sorta know this stuff?

Holy Crap!!! It's Mario Lopez, no, it's A.C. Slater!!! Now he may just be Saved by the Bell Guy to you, but to me he's also the drummer from the early days of Kids. Incorporated, yo! He used to kick it with Fergie Ferg back in the day. Shoot, I've seen this entire guys childhood years on TV. I say a small prayer to the TV gods. Damn, A.C. is all over the place in rehearsals. I didn't realize Albert Clifford was such a spaz. He does his dance routine. I was hoping he was gonna grow his Hispafro perm back for the show. He does a lot of hip shaking which elicits a bunch of screams. I'm kinda disappointed that he didn't rip off his suit to reveal a black leotard and do ballet moves in the middle of his routine. Waitaminit...that might have been the most unfortunate sentence ever typed on this blog. Really, yo, remember the episode where he describes his dream date with Jessie...nevermind. After the routine, they ask him if he's ever had any dance training and he said no. Um, excuse me? I can't prove for a fact he had any training but he was credited as a dancer on Kids Inc. so that must mean he'd have to have some training to get the job, right? Anyway, the segment ends without him saying the words "Preppie" or "Mamma". Why are the TV Gods such haters?

Back to the Klosterman book. His strength really is when he writes about music. His piece on the top ten most adequately "rated" musical acts of all time made total sense and I can say that i've never spent anytime thinking about bands with that criteria in mind. It was good to see Tone Loc on a list, other than Rappers who have name checked "Alex from Stroh's"and appeared in "The Adventures of Ford Fairlaine".

He also brings up the pirate phenomenon and how it mirrors the ninja phenomenon in the 80's. I've been trying to predict the next rouge culture to follow suit. I'm rooting for Huns.

I start singing along to a commercial. I'm singing the lyrics before I even realize it's "Big Country" by Big Country, only in its smoothed out made for a commercial form. Add Koehl's to the list of places I'll never shop because of their commercials.

A former Miss USA is going through a divorce and that's being discussed in the course of the critique of her dance performance. Seriously?

I don't care about L.A. Law, Harry Hamlin will always be Perseus, from Clash of the Titans to me. The hyperactive asshole judge makes my day to making a "you killed the kraken" comment. WORD 'em UP!!! Maybe this show isn't so bad.

Vivica A. Fox dances, but in my head she fighting Uma Thurman...in Jell-o.

Did I just hear a rapping penguin quote Grandmaster Flash's "The Message"? sigh. HATE!

9:47 P.M. My favorite article in the book is a running diary of 24 consecutive hours watching VH-1 Classic. His 2:29 P.M. entry about the Van Halen "Pretty Woman" video killed me. I love this article so much I wish I had kept time stamps all night so I could have properly ripped it off.

Jerry Springer dances to chants of "Jerry". I thought he was alot of fun. He'll probably stick around a few weeks. This night has been bizarre, but Dancing with the Stars might keep me interested. I didn't even get to make a Joey Lawrence "Whoa!" joke. I'll need at least one more night to finish the book too, dammit.

Tags: Dancing with the Stars, Chuck Klosterman

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