Preacher Coming to HBO!!!

This is just incredible news. One of my favorite works in comics, "Preacher" by Garth Ennis, is coming to Cable TV. I'm totally, totally psyched for this. I think I'm gonna start marketing "Fuck Communism" Zippo lighters now. Let the fanboy dream casting begin! The thought of Jesse Custer, Tulip O'Hare, and Cassidy's, ultra-violent escapades every Sunday Night on HBO gives me the chills. All the great characters like, Jody, Hoover, Saint of All Killers, and Herr Starr are zooming through my head so fast, I can't stand it. I'm pulling the first trade paperback from the Tortilla Chips and Milk library right now. If you don't own them, I recommend you head to your nearest bookstore and buy them or camp in the aisle and read 'em! Here's the article from the Washington Post.
http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2006/11/29/AR2006112900139.html
LOS ANGELES (Hollywood Reporter) - HBO has seen the light and is bringing "Preacher" to the small screen.

The pay cable network is developing a one-hour series based on the popular Vertigo comics series.

"Preacher," which ran from 1995-2000, told the story of a down-and-out Texas preacher possessed by Genesis, a supernatural entity conceived by the unnatural coupling of an angel and a demon. Given immense powers, the preacher teamed with an old girlfriend and a hard-drinking Irish vampire and set out on a journey across America to find God -- who apparently had abandoned his duties in heaven -- and hold him accountable for his negligence.

The series -- which developed a rabid fan base -- was known for tackling religious and political issues, its dark and violent sense of humor and its observations of American culture. It also was one of the series that helped define Vertigo, the adult-oriented line of comics from DC Comics.

There have been several attempts to bring the comic to the screen, whether big or small, but nothing stuck. A movie version, to have been produced by Kevin Smith's View Askew production company, among others, got to the casting stage, with James Marsden attached for the title role and a reported budget of $25 million.

The series was created by Irish-born writer Garth Ennis and British artist Steve Dillon. Mark Steven Johnson, the writer-director behind comic adaptations "Daredevil" and the upcoming "Ghost Rider," is writing the pilot, while Howard Deutch is attached to direct. Johnson also wrote "Grumpier Old Men," which Deutch directed.

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TC and M Fight Night: WWE Survivor Series Part One

It's the WWE Thanksgiving weekend tradition where "teams of five strive to survive!" Well that's how it started back in 1986, it strayed from the format, but for the 20th anniversary of the Survivor Series ,we're back where we started with "traditional" elimination style tag-team matches. Now I love the team gimmick and I love even more the team style atmosphere in the buildup, where the teams usually have a collective name influenced by the team captain. In the past this has given us Roddy Piper's "Rowdy's Rowdies" Jake the Snake's "Vipers", Mr. Perfect's "Perfect Team" and Rick Rude's "Rude Brood" I just like cheesy fun like that, 'cause...I just do, okay? Okay WWE, I haven't paid per view in a while, don't let me down suckas...

We're from Philadelphia tonight, which means any ECW alum will be cheered, John Cena will be booed, and one of the heels (bad guys) will make a Donovan McNabb joke.

5:05 WHOOO!!! Ric Flair's Legend's team is introduced. He's teamed with Sgt. Slaughter, Dusty Rhodes, and Ron Simmons. Thank God, Dusty is wearing a shirt. I could live 100 years without having to see Dusty's purple splotch. Jerry "The King" says that you can't look at the American Dream without wanting to talk like him. Word! On those special drunken evenings I break out my Dusty Whothes imperthonashun, if you weel. Okay, I'll be good. "The Enforcer" Arn Anderson is in the Legends' corner. The Arn Anderson who is most famous for being one of Ric Flair's henchmen in beating down Dusty Rhodes. Now if wrestling were real , and you're Dusty Rhodes, wouldn't you hold even a teeny grudge against these guys? I mean those three have a bloody history which includes a broken leg! One time, Arn and Ric Flair tied Dusty to a pickup truck and beat his arm with a shovel! How do you reconcile this if you're Dusty? Heh, Dusty has a suspicious look on his face, totally in character. Now that's a pro! Anyway, I love Arn Anderson, part of deciding to buy the show was to see Arn have one last great moment in the spotlight. I can't wait!

They'll be going against the Spirit Squad. Male Cheerleaders. They are so terrible they don;t even get last names. It's just Johnny, Micky, Mitch, Nicky, and Kenny (I Think).

5:10 Ron Simmons is counted out. He gives Mitch a Sidewalk slam before he leaves. What a bad sport. The referee is also sending Arn Anderson to the back for throwing Mitch into the ring post! BOOOO!!! I get five minutes of Double A? That's it? A small portion of the crowd chants bullshit or maybe that's just me.

5:14 Slaughter hits the Slaughter Cannon and the Cobra Clutch on Nicky. Johnny kicks him in the head while the ref was distracted by Dusty. Sarge is pinned.

5:15 Dusty hits the bionic elbow on Nicky for the 1-2-3. That's his 39th elbow of the match.

5:17 Dusty gets pinned by Kenny meaning that it's 3 on 1 against Flair. Personally, I think Dusty just collapsed from fatigue.

5:18 Flair Pins Mickey in vintage Flair fashion, with the feet on the ropes for leverage. Within seconds he rolls up Kenny with an inside cradle. WHOOO!!! Now it's just Flair and Johnny.

5:19 Chops, shin-breaker, chop block and WHOOO (Now we go to school) Figure Four! Fair is the sole Survivor. After the match, the Squad lays out Ric Flair, while none of the legends come to help him. I guess that's how you reconcile someone breaking your leg. Fun match, except for the Arn Anderson ouster.


5:24 Chavo Guererro v. Chris Benoit for the U.S. Championship. Oh for Jeebus's sake, they are keeping the Mexican wrestlers in Telenovella mode. Okay, let me try to sum it up. Chavo is the nephew of the beloved Eddy Guererro who died last year. In the storyline, Chavo turned on Eddy's best friend Rey Mysterio, because he thought Rey was using Eddy's memory for his personal gain (which he was, actually). In the fight against Rey, Eddy's widow Vicky sided with Chavo and helped put Rey out of action by blowing out his knee. Longtime friend of Eddy's, Chris Benoit comes back to the WWE and has hired an attorney, because something is fishy with Eddy's estate and thinks Vicky is up to shenanigans. So naturally, they are gonna settle things in the ring.

5:34 Chavo pushes Benoit into Vicky somehow leading to Benoit winning with a Crippler Cross face. He somehow endured Chavo and Vicky screaming "Stay out of our business" a thousand times. Vicky took a nasty spill on her backside. This match was pretty good, if not a typical Benoit match. Given a real storyline and about 10 more minutes, this match could have been great. JBL is incensed that Benoit won by hitting a woman and demands that he be fined or suspended. Michael Cole answers with n "Hey, open up your eyes, 1985 Color Commentator!" Awesome!

5:36 We get a back stage interview with Lita for her upcoming retirement match with Mickie James. Edge says "Mickie's gonna go down faster than Donovan McNabb". Who had 36 minutes in the pool? In the background we see Cryme Tyme sneaking into Lita's locker room and leaving with a box full of her stuff. I think after a few more of these segments, it's gonna be NAACP Tyme. I'm looking forward to the match Mickie James usually has a thong underneath her wrestling skirt...so, yay, y'all.

5:47 The "She's got herpes" chant starts. We got the "She's a crack whore" earlier. I love the Philly fans. Mickie is wearing a thong, but it's over some flesh colored shorts...BOOO, y'all. WWE hates me.

5:49 Mickie hits a swinging DDT for the win. Match started out sloppy but had some drama with the near falls at the end.

5:50 Lita calls for the Mic and starts to berate the crowd for not showing proper respect. Out comes Cryme Tyme! They're gonna sell her stuff to the crowd. They announce that it's a "HO-Sale"! Okay, I actually laughed at that. Someone buys her bra...they hawk her Monistat Seven, which she claims she bought for a friend...heh... wait, aren't the Monistats named based on the number of days of treatment? Isn't there a Monistat One and a Monistat Three...why would you buy Seven? JBL offers $100 for her panties...Cryme Tyme takes the money, but throws the panties to the crowd...DILDO!...they keep it covered, but Lita begs them not to sell her dildo , she offers to pay them for it...they end by selling "Lita's Box" which is so big you can stick your head through it...that went a little too long...Happy Retirement Lita!


part two tomorrow, suckas!

Tags: WWE, Survivor Series

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Survivor: Why Would You Trust Me?

Jonathan is up bright and early, as the rest of Raro snoozes. He's off to fish -- and he's pissed at having to play nursemaid to a bunch of spoiled brats. He says Raro has to step up, do some work around camp, and win a damn challenge. "I'm not going to lose because you kids can't get your asses out of bed."

The cool kids manage to drag themselves out of bed, but there's no fire, no wood, and no water. They consider doing some of the work, and Candice waves the flint around in a vague fashion, but they quickly give up and wait for Daddy Jonathan to come take care of them. What a bunch of tools. Raro sucks.

Jonathan gets back, sees that *nothing* has been done, and starts organizing. Nate jumps when Alan Alda tells him to go get water, but then grouses in confessional that no one gets to talk to him like that, and that they're not a bunch of knuckleheads who need to be ordered around.

Umm ... yes, you are. You're a bunch of lame-ass, lazy, stupid jerks with overinflated egos and entitlement issues. Now step -- Daddy's waiting for the water.

Fun Size Aitu is hurting from constantly having to push themselves in challenges. Sundra's knee is all messed up, and Yul's tired and achy and may have injured his leg. But the only option they've got is to keep kicking Raro ass.

At the challenge, Aitu is shocked at the downsize to the Cracka Coalition, and realize they dodged a bullet by winning immunity last time. But instead of giving Aitu Nano yet another chance to whomp on the cool kids, Jeff gives them new buffs and art supplies. Yep, its a merge.

The two tribes agree to live on Raro's beach -- there's no rats, there's more coconuts, and Candunce and FrankenAdam know all the best fuck spots. FrankenAdam's all sorts of happy that the tribes have merged -- Raro has numbers, and he says their future looks bright.

The new tribe -- Aitutonga, which is too annoying of a name for me ever to type again -- is directed to a native catamaran loaded with food, drink and friendly islanders who will take them back to their beach. Everyone does the "we're getting fed" happy dance.

The cool kids have gotten the mistaken impression that they're on the party boat to South Padre -- they down all the booze, gobble the food and barf over the side of the boat. Way to make a spectacle of yourselves, jackasses.

Jonathan, once again, is pissed at the behavior of his "allies." Sorry, Alan Alda -- you picked it.

Nate is confident of the Raro alliance's ability to cut up the new tribe members like poop. He's bonding with Ozzy too -- something that they both have cultivated since Nate was kidnapped to Aitu. They take a romantic walk on the beach and Nate lets Ozzy know that "my five are gonna want to cut off your strong points." They agree to stay friends and work together if they can.

In the shelter, a drunken FrankenAdam is feeling up Pavarti. Ewwww. She protests, but not too much, and when she asks him about Candice he says that they can both enjoy him. OMG -- does FrankenAdam actually think he is so smooth he can set up an island threesome? FrankenAdam drunkenly declares that "It's a great day, the best day since the game started. I touched boobs!"

Becky and Yul talk about what advantages could be gained by revealing that Yul has the hidden immunity idol. They decide that their best option is to try to flip a member of the Raro alliance, and they think Jonathan is the most reasonable, logical choice.

Yul asks Jonathan if they can work together again. Jonathan wants to know why Yul would even want to align with him again, and says that a player who wants to get to the final four needs an alliance with whoever has the HI, and that he wouldn't flip again unless he was aligned with someone who had it.

In an aside, Jonathan says that if he flips, Raro is going to go mental, which is intercut with shots of Raro members grinning like complete idiots. Great editing.

Yul spins a hypothetical in which he says that if he has the HI, either Jonathan aligns with the Aitu alliance or goes home. Jonathan says that he would consider flipping to align with the guy with the HI. "If I was with the guy who had the idol all along and I have to flip back, that's a fantastic twist."

It's fantastic to see two players discussing strategy like rational, reasonable adults. Nothing personal, no vows of everlasting truthyness, no swearing on your kids or the Bible, just "if A then B." This may be a "Survivor" first.

Yul tells Sundra he has the HI, and she is genuinely happy for him -- it's very sweet. She also likes the idea of flipping Jonathan. Becky and Sundra do a happy Aitu dance. They then bring Ozzy into the Circle of Trust. Ozzy feels bad about possibly turning against Nate, but he thinks sticking with Aitu is his best bet.

The cool kids discuss who to vote off next. Pavarti and Candice are threatened by Yul's big brain, and they don't like the fact that he's been talking to Jonathan. They actually have a discussion about how *thinking is bad.*

Candice yanks on Jonathan's leash and demands to know what he's been talking to Yul about. He says that they should target Ozzy. Candice says that Pavarti and Nate are scared of Yul's big words and decent table manners, and he has to go. Jonathan pretty much tells her that Yul's got the HI, but she just doesn't get the hint.

The immunity challenge is pure endurance and willpower. Hang on a pole. The last person to drop wins immunity. Adam is the first to drop -- he only lasts nine minutes. Pavarti, Candice -- girls, I wouldn't get too excited about this guy. No endurance, no stamina -- looks like a two-pump chump to me.

Jonathan says people with bigger feet are at a disadvantage. Yul counters with a explanation of mass, culminating in explaining why elephants don't climb trees. Then he points out that he'll never get a date again. I wouldn't worry about that, Yul -- that was so geeky adorable you'll be swamped with girls. If I wasn't married, I would have already e-mailed you my number.

Candice is doing pull-ups and making ridiculous kissy faces. Jonathan drops, then Nate, then Sundra and Yul. It starts raining. Pavarti falls off the pole. Then Becky. Is it just me, or was Probst flirting with Pavarti?

Somewhere in L.A., Julie from Vanuatu from throws something at her TV.

It's down to Candice and Ozzy, but monkey boy cannot be defeated! Candice falls off, and Ozzy wins immunity.

Nate is happy his buddy Ozzy won immunity. Yul and his big brain are the target. Raro want smash big brain with brick!

Yul shows Jonathan the HI. Yul points out that Jonathan is in theory a great person to take to the final two, because he's made enemies. He does not promise to take Jonathan, he just says it would be a good idea. I love Yul.

Jonathan knows he doesn't have many options besides flip or go home. He says he wants to think about it. He goes to the cool kids and says he's concerned Yul might have the HI. They refuse to even consider the option that he *could* have it, because he was only on Exile Island for "like a day." And if FrankenAdam and Candunce couldn't find it, how could Yul? Wow, these people are DUMB.

FrankenAdam and Candunce make out in the jungle. OK CBS -- this scene was just nasty. Their showmance is not cute, it's not romantic, it's not fun -- it's icky. Please stop, or at least slap those scenes with some sort of warning label.

Jonathan asks Aitu to vote for Nate instead of FrankenAdam. He thinks that if he flips on Candice and Adam, it makes him the guy who has betrayed every person in the game. Aitu agrees to vote for Nate.

At Tribal, Jenny stares with Eyes of Doom from the jury box. She is the new Lex -- you can feel the hate radiating off her. FrankenAdam and Candice get called out on their showmance. Pavarti says they want to make babies, and pouts that FrankenAdam doesn't cuddle as much with her. Ick. Candice tries to turn the discussion to Becky and Yul, but since Becky doesn't spend her days with her head in Yul's lap (see FrankenAdam and Candice) that comparison doesn't fly. Jonathan says he hasn't seen romance between Adam and Candice, which either means he's being *very* sarcastic or is legally blind.

Both alliances agree that this vote will show where things really stand. Jonathan pretty much gives a farewell speech -- happy to have been here, will treasure this experience, boy am I screwed, yadda yadda.

In a 4-5 vote, Jonathan sticks with the Aitu alliance and votes out Nate. Woot!!! A turkey of a player booted on Thanksgiving -- everybody dance!

Nate spews bitter rage in his final statement:

"It hurts to leave this early in the game. Jonathan, you can kiss my ass! You a dirty stanky, whack fruitcake who sold me out, who sold out our tribe when we brought you in. You trading bastard. So kiss my ass, Jonathan. Other than that everyone I love. But that's how it's gotta be in this world." (No, I didn't make this up, it's an actual quote from CBS.com)

Dirty stanky, whack fruitcake? Aww, don't hate the player homie, hate the game.

Next week: No fish for the lazy.

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Happy Thanksgiving!

Thanksgivings are generally not high on my personal lists of memorable holidays. Not that I don't enjoy it, but other than eating myself into oblivion and passing out on the nearest couch, the memories all blend together.

There are some exceptions though, like in High School, when I was a Thanksgiving guest at a friends and in front of his entire family, I had cider go through the wrong pipe and coughed up half of my first serving of stuffing at the table. Good Times!

Also, when I was in Catholic School, we all got to dress up as Pilgrims or Indians. I always dressed as an Indian, but crying everytime I saw a can thrown out of a window got old. The raping of my women and having my land stolen sucked too...those Sacred Heart pilgrims didn't play, yo!

There was the year I drove around LAX for two hours looking for parking and barely made my flight, Seriously, they held the plane for me and I was a ball of sweat by the time I made it on the plane. Thank God it was LAX rather than say ATL or Charlotte. Otherwise, I would have spent Thanksgiving eating at the In and Out next to the The Spot. Hmmm, come to think of it, maybe the Turkey Burger 10x10 (ten patties, ten slices of cheese) is on their secret menu. If anyone *cough* J-Man, wants to try this out, let me know how it goes.

There was also the year I celebrated Thanksgiving in London, which is pretty disrespectful if you think about it...we're giving thanks to annexing from YOU! A friend of mine were on a hot Karaoke streak in London Pubs and we somehow convinced a band to play "Sweet Home Alabama". The band knew the music but they didn't know the words so they LET US SING!!! It was probably the most jingoistic moment of my life. Well,there was the time I started a "USA" chant under my breath at a friend's wedding, but I won't get into that.


One year, I miraculously ended up watching the first ever WWF Survivor Series and it was like Christmas came early . Was there ever a cooler team than "Macho Man" Randy Savage, Ricky "The Dragon" Steamboat, Jake "The Snake" Roberts , "Hacksaw" Jim Duggan, and Brutus "The Barber" Beefcake? The best part was I was a guest of a friend of a friend who was a Hogan fan. He nearly cried when the Hulkster got counted out of the main event leaving Bam Bam Bigelow to face One Man Gang, King Kong Bundy and Andre the Giant by himself. I still say Hulk did it on purpose because he was scared. "So Long, Butch Reed!" is still on the short list of my favorite Gorilla Monsoon calls.

There was also the Thanksgiving where I made this awesome spread of toast, popcorn, and jellybeans. Then, my future gym-teacher friend, who insisted on always wearing flip flops, even in November, came over and made the bitch-face about how we didn't have turkey or pumpkin pie. This was after SHE put me up to making food the whole gang! I was a n f'n kid what the hell did she expect? What an ingrate! Okay fine, you got me. MY DOG made the toast, popcorn, and jellybeans. Oh yeah, and it wasn't me it was Charlie Brown. 'Cause that's how Chuck rolls!


Anyway .here's something to tide y'all over until tomorrow. It's Adam Sandler's Thanksgiving song. Happy Thanksgiving, SUCKAS!

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Inside the NBA : Dancing with the Charles?

It's my second straight sports themed post, but it's hoops season, that's gonna happen here at Tortilla Chips and Milk from time to time, 'cause T.H.I.R., suckas. In case you didn't know, "Inside the NBA" on TNT is back with a vengeance this season. I haven't even watched a full TNT basketball game yet but I try not to miss the late night antics of Ernie, Kenny, and Charles. Even if you aren't the biggest hoops fan, Inside the NBA is a great source of comedy and I suggest checking it out. Otherwise, you might miss clips like these from their top notch video-editing crew.


Oh yeah as an added bonus, here's the full run of NBA promos Ali G. did for he playoffs. My favorite is the Kobe Bryant, followed by Richard Jefferson.

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TC and M Fight Night! Pacquiao vs. Morales III

I've been a life-long boxing fan and tonight is a good night, because I just got finished watching a legit ass-whoopin'. It was the rubber match between Manny "Pac Man" Pacquiao and Erik "El Terrible" Morales, the third fight in a one of the better boxing trilogies of my lifetime. Morales had won the first fight in a unanimous decision in which the Pacquiao's camp claimed was lost because (1) they took Morales lightly and (2) Pacqiao was forced to wear Winning Brand gloves which are regarded as "pillows" effectively negating Pacquiao's punching power.

Pacquiao won the second fight with a 10 round TKO. In the rematch, Pacqioa had switched back to Reyes brand gloves which are known as "puncher's gloves" and had
kept Morales at bay with an improved right jab. After the loss, Morales attributed the loss to the split with his father, his long time trainer, and poor conditioning in order to make weight. Morales claimed that Pacquiao had never really hurt him, rather his legs gave out on him. I really don't understand how someone can hit you to the point you can't stand up anymore but not "hurt" you, but whatever. Pacquiao has the Reyes gloves, Morales is back with his father in his corner and has gone through a much ballyhooed Velocity training regiment so there were no excuses for the this third fight.

I'll say this outright, I'm a die-hard Manny Pacquiao fan. He made a reputation in the Featherweight and and Super Featherweight divisions by being a wild swinger with a devestating left hand. Pacquiao's fights are just that, fights. He's a live wire who is constantly moving with aggression with Mike Tyson-esque punching power in a 130 pund frame. For a fan who craves slugfests, Pacquiao is the most exciting fighter in the world.

I've also followed Erik Morales quite a bit. I rooted against him in his trilogy with Marco Antonio Barerra and have been waiting for him to get his ass handed to him Pac Man style since January. In boxing, more than any other sport, you have to respect someone who knocks you out. Morales has refused to give Pacquiao any respect and for that he deseves a beating.

Pacquiao came into the fight a 2-to-1 favorite over Morales and after watching Pac Man decimate Morales last January, I didn't anticipate a close fight. Still, Morales could have chosen to box his way to another decision. Well he could have, but from the opening bell it was clear that wasn't going to happen.

Heh, Rey Mysterio Jr. is Morales' flag bearer for the fight. Meanwhile Pacquiao enters to a song that he recorded in the Philippines. By the way, Michael Buffer's "Let's Get Ready to Rumble" will never ever get old for me. At this point the hair on my arms is standing up. Larry Merchant warns us to hide the women and children.

Morales came out looking to lay it all out and to his credit wasn't looking to run. Morales looked really awkward and off balance while Pacquiao looked strong. The telling moment in the first round was when Pacquiao landed a nasty right hook near the end of the round. Pacquiao had been criticized in the past for relying too much on his big left hand. Well not only was he not going to revert to that, he had added a new weapon for his weak hand. Round One was a good with some power punches being exchanged ast the engaged and counter-puched their way out. Pacquiao's shots just seemed to be stiffer, with more pop.

There is nothing I love more than Ray Torres, HBO's Spanish translator, adding his own inflection to the cornerman's instructions in between rounds. It's like theatre...from HELL.

Morales landed a few good shots on Pacquiao early in the second round, but Pacquiao just seemed like he was drawing him in just so he could absorb the first shot and respond with his superior punching power. Pacquiao was backed up against the ropes when he knocked Morales down with a booming left to the side of the head. The first knockdown of the last fight didn't happen until the 10th round. Morales made it up but it just signalled the beginning of the slaughter.

Round three started with more of Pacquiao baiting Morales in and knocked down Morales again midway point. Other than his fights with Pacquiao, Morales has only had one knockdown his entire career and that was called when his glove brushed the canvas. For the next minute and a half you might as well have stuck Erik Morales on a Meat Hook, because Manny Pacquiao went all butcher on his ass, tenderizing and carving him up until he put Morales out of his misery at the end of the round. While on his ass, Morales sat there and shook his head "no" to his corner. MORALES GAVE UP! I'm not criticizing him because really it was the right thing to do, but I never thought I'd see a warrior like Morales not get up and fight if at all possible. I guess he just had enough of not getting hurt by Pacquiao.

In the end, Morales was gracious in defeat, admitting that Pacquiao was too much for him. Meanwhile, Pacquiao stayed humble in his post-fight interview, and was careful not to call out Marco Antonio Barerra for his next fight. Whoever that next fight is I highly recommend you check it out. Three years ago Pacquiao was just an exciting wild puncher with knock-out power. Now he still fights like a thunderstorm, but now he's added discipline to his fighting style. He's not a fighter anymore, he's a killer. He fought with aura of invincibility that I've only seen in a handful of fighters in my lifetime. Tyson had it, Marvin Hagler had it, Roy Jones Jr. had it. Julio Cesar Chavez had it. Floyd Mayweather Jr. and Winky Wright have it now. Add Manny Pacquiao to that list.

Tags: Manny Pacquiao

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Survivor: People That You Like Want to See You Suffer

Jonathan realizes that his move to Raro was A REALLY DUMB IDEA. He knows he's next on the target list, and he's going to do his best to make himself useful. Maybe if he's feeding the kiddies, they won't pack him off to a nursing home.

FrankenAdam and Candice make yucky googly-eyes at each other. "I really trust you Candice," FrankenAdam says as he kisses her fingertips. "You're the first girl who's ever let me get this close to her without Roofies."

"I really trust you too," Candice coos in reply. "Please put your thing in me."

Out in the water, Pavarti and Jenny watch and gag. Oh wait, that's me gagging. Jenny whines to Pavarti that she's worried Adam won't stick to their original Raro alliance. Who is she kidding -- FrankenAdam wouldn't boot Candice if there was a gun held to his head.

At Aitu, Aquaman Ozzy fishes while the other three gather wood. Ozzy talks again about how tough it is for Aitu Nano. OK, I realize you guys have gotten dumped on, and it's tough -- but don't overstate the case. Losing two members was not The Greatest Tragedy Ever.

The Tree Mail for the Reward Challenge has a list of nautical flags representing the alphabet. Aitu sits down and starts cramming like it's the bar exam.

At the reward challenge, Aitu is sad that Brad went home, but happy that he's the first member of the jury. FrankenAdam gets this big, stupid grin on his face -- does he think having a pissed off former tribe member on the jury gives him some sort of advantage? It's official -- FrankenAdam has the IQ of a rock.

The challenge is a tough one: Tribes send out teams of two with a compass. They race to a large compass rose, and use coordinates to dig out a treasure chest, drag back the chest to the mat, and get new coordinates off the lids. Gather four chests, and open them to retrieve seven nautical flags. Use the flags to spell "victory" (I hope you studied that list!) and win reward.

Wow, Raro sucks. While Aitu is busily moving through the challenge, Jenny and Jonathan are arguing about the coordinates -- and Candice is yelling the *wrong* coordinates at them. Then Jenny's not digging, and Raro bitches at each other some more. Then Probst calls 'em back because the first team wasn't on the mat yet, and FrankenAdam and Candice bitch some more. He's sorta digging, she's filing her nails. At one point, Jonathan's trying to dig, and Jenny's pushing dirt back into the hole. It's a truly pathetic performance, and Aitu cruises to an easy victory. Ozzy clicks his heels like a happy little elf.

Aitu wins a island feast and gets to send someone to Exile Island. In unison, they count "1-2-3 Candice!!!" It's silly and its juvenile and ... I'm perfectly OK with that. Probst asks why Candice again and Yul says "strategy, revenge, same thing."

On EI, Candice pouts and cries. "It's not fun to know that people you like want to see you suffer," she whines as she sucks on a sea cucumber. Awww, cry me a river. You liked Aitu so much you jumped to Raro at first opportunity. You broke an alliance they thought was solid. I think Aitu has the right to give you the big F.U.

Aitu wins a warrior's welcome and a feast with a group of islanders. Sundra shakes it like an islander, Ozzy smooches all the pretty girls, and Yul gets smushed into a big island love sandwich until he curls up in a fetal position and falls down.



At Raro, Alan Alda is getting fed up with the tribe's suckitude, and decides to try to lead by example. Apparently this means wearing a loincloth of raw fish. He catches *a lot* of fish, but I don't know if I'd want to eat anything that's been that close to his little Hawkeye.

Jenny says that Rebecca has to make a difference in the challenges or she's going home. Congratulations Rebecca -- you're the newest stop on the Raro hate train. The tribe gets a map to study before the challenge, and the responsibility of learning it is dumped completely on Rebecca. And was it just me, or did Pavarti sound really patronizing when she was "teaching" her the map?

Candice returns for the immunity challenge. Probst points out that she's spent more time away from Raro than with them, and she says "yeah -- quit cutting into my sex life, you bunch of haters!"

Here's the challenge. Tribe members swim out to pontoons, dive down and retrieve bundles of island names. Once they have four bundles back on the beach, they have to identify 10 islands on a map.

Ozzy gets Aitu out to an early lead. You know what's interesting? Two weeks ago, Nate was bitching about "nancy boy" Brad not swimming. Here's Nate in a swimming challenge, and he sucks! Ain't karma a bizzle, homie?

Jonathan and Pavarti make up some time for Raro. Sundra has trouble for Aitu, but Rebecca, once again, looks like she's a half a second from drowning and drags Raro down. Why, why, why put some of your weakest players in an immunity challenge when you've got the numbers to pick and choose?

Normally, when some of a Tribe have to sit out a challenge, they cheer and encourage their team from the sidelines. I guess FrankenAdam and Candunce had something better to do.

Guess what? Raro loses again. Have I mentioned they suck? Jeff gives them a bottle with a message in it, and tells them they have to bring it, still sealed, to Tribal. They can read the message after the vote.

Raro contemplates the bottle. They think it might contain magic unicorns and flowers and a merge! With feasts and presents and all the rewards they didn't win. Because they suck. FrankenAdam tells Candice that Jenny will be a threat after this vote, so she needs to go. So much for Raro's "family" alliance -- no one can stop their sweaty island luv.

At Tribal, everyone waves and smiles when Brad comes in, like they weren't hating on him and stabbing in him the back last episode. I don't think he bought it. Probst shoots down Candice's "Raro wins when it counts" theory by pointing out they've only won three challenges the entire game.

It's pretty much a foregone conclusion that Rebecca's going -- for everyone except Rebecca, poor girl. She walks off with tears in her eyes, and doesn't look back.

Probst tells Pavarti to open the bottle. In it is a message that says they have to vote off another member. "That ... not fun," Pavarti says. Raro whines and bugs out their eyes. Sorry kids -- twists happen. If Aitu would have lost, they would have been cut in half. Probst tells them if they're expecting a merge, it might never happen.

Raro votes again. At this point, I'm thinking "poor Jonathan -- he's gonna go, but at least he tried." Imagine my surprise when Team Whitey bands together and votes off Jenny! The only ones more surprised than me were Jenny (who is really frickin' pissed -- imagine the bitter hate she's going to spew at the final vote) and Nate, who looks around and realizes he's the Cracka Coalition's token. "Hey! My name ain't Falcon!" Nate says in disgust.

Poor Rebecca doesn't even get final words. Don't hate, CBS!

Next week: FrankenAdam and Candunce make kissy kissy.

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