Fashion Trends I Wanna See- The return of the big-ass cellphone

Aight ch'all I've had it with my freebie bar phone that I've been rockin' for the last three years or so. It's not that I'm tired of it, I mean it's the perfect size for me, it has all the features I need (none), and it plays "Rock Lobster" when my peeps call. I like it lo-tech sometimes, but sadly the phone isn't working all that great right now and that ain't cool when your trying to bust the flow and your phone cuts out like a sucka! Plus, I'm tired of all the "ghetto phone" cracks from my so called friends. So yeah, I'm looking to upgrade, but after a quick search I don't think I can roll with the new just yet. The slim thin metal phones, they're okay, but seriously I'm gonna be losing that shit all the time. I don't need thin or tiny. That ain't gonna make my life any easier. I scoped out the chocolate and it's sweet and I can imagine stomping around yelling "Sexual Chocolate" before I make a call. It sounds like fun until I take the bit too far and spread my arms out and drop the bitch like Randy Watson drops his microphone. The chocolate don't look too sturdy and chances are I'll be doing that act until I break it and I'm out two bills.

Naw man, screw this sleek and thin and sporty b.s. I wanna go SUV with my cellphone. That's right I wanna go old school big. I wanna go so big with the celly that when I roll into Bayside, my boy Zach goes "Damn, that's a big-ass phone!"

It would have to be big with all the features I want in it. First of all, I want an old school Commodore 64 wired into the phone. Word! Then I could play "Larry Bird v. Dr. J One on One" all day long. You blackberry punks may think you're the shizzle, but can you scroll your name to infinity in BASIC, suckas?

Screw the polyphonic ring tones too. I want a real car horn in my phone and you have a choice of three honks "Dixie", "La Cucaracha" or "Proud to be an American".

I also want voice recognition in my cellphone so that on the rare occasion that I can't find the Pajtech BAP 3000 when I say "Where the hell is my cellphone?" It'll respond "Right here, foo!" in the voice of Mr.T.

My big-ass phone is also gonna rock a rotary dial on the back of it and couplers so it can double as a desk phone with an attachable headset. To add some bling to BAP I'm gonna put some spinners in the couplers. The rotary serves two purposes. One , if you're up in the club and some honey doesn't know what the hell a rotary dial is, chances are you better step, because the girl is probably underage. Two, you've seen the angry guy on the cell phone in the club right? Really yo, the flip of the phone or the button push doesn't add enough dramatic effect to the angry hang-up. So picture this, you're in the booth of a club rolling' VIP and you're laid back working the Goose like Clarett and then you follow "Yo, you call back when you done trippin'" with an angry slam of the headset onto the Pajtech BAP 3000 that's sitting on the table. Now, everybody up in there knows you don't play.

Seriously, if you wanna go big with anything, the cellphone is the best bang for your buck. The next time some bitch-ass ho at the playground cuts you and Junior off while Junior is waiting to get on the slide, don't waste your money running out to buy a Hummer for self esteem. Instead, wait until the slide-crowding bitch has her head turned and bash her in the head with the Pajtech BAP 3000. After you wipe the blood off the phone, call the police and turn yourself in. Chances are with no priors, you get probation. Try it with a razor phone she'll laugh at ya. Roll like that low self esteem, passive-aggressive ho in the Hummer commercial looking for payback and that's vehicular manslaughter. Yeah, your boo might think it's funny, but that's ten years minimum in the pokey. Probation and standing up for yourself is a lot more cost effective than 42k and the nanny having to take Junior to the slide.

I want retro in everything INCLUDING my phone. So make it happen you hi-techsters out there. I'm just waiting for for the Big Ass Phone to come out so I can accessorize my acid-wash carpenters jeans. I'ma hang the BAP from the hammer loop.