Survivor: Why Would You Trust Me?

Jonathan is up bright and early, as the rest of Raro snoozes. He's off to fish -- and he's pissed at having to play nursemaid to a bunch of spoiled brats. He says Raro has to step up, do some work around camp, and win a damn challenge. "I'm not going to lose because you kids can't get your asses out of bed."

The cool kids manage to drag themselves out of bed, but there's no fire, no wood, and no water. They consider doing some of the work, and Candice waves the flint around in a vague fashion, but they quickly give up and wait for Daddy Jonathan to come take care of them. What a bunch of tools. Raro sucks.

Jonathan gets back, sees that *nothing* has been done, and starts organizing. Nate jumps when Alan Alda tells him to go get water, but then grouses in confessional that no one gets to talk to him like that, and that they're not a bunch of knuckleheads who need to be ordered around.

Umm ... yes, you are. You're a bunch of lame-ass, lazy, stupid jerks with overinflated egos and entitlement issues. Now step -- Daddy's waiting for the water.

Fun Size Aitu is hurting from constantly having to push themselves in challenges. Sundra's knee is all messed up, and Yul's tired and achy and may have injured his leg. But the only option they've got is to keep kicking Raro ass.

At the challenge, Aitu is shocked at the downsize to the Cracka Coalition, and realize they dodged a bullet by winning immunity last time. But instead of giving Aitu Nano yet another chance to whomp on the cool kids, Jeff gives them new buffs and art supplies. Yep, its a merge.

The two tribes agree to live on Raro's beach -- there's no rats, there's more coconuts, and Candunce and FrankenAdam know all the best fuck spots. FrankenAdam's all sorts of happy that the tribes have merged -- Raro has numbers, and he says their future looks bright.

The new tribe -- Aitutonga, which is too annoying of a name for me ever to type again -- is directed to a native catamaran loaded with food, drink and friendly islanders who will take them back to their beach. Everyone does the "we're getting fed" happy dance.

The cool kids have gotten the mistaken impression that they're on the party boat to South Padre -- they down all the booze, gobble the food and barf over the side of the boat. Way to make a spectacle of yourselves, jackasses.

Jonathan, once again, is pissed at the behavior of his "allies." Sorry, Alan Alda -- you picked it.

Nate is confident of the Raro alliance's ability to cut up the new tribe members like poop. He's bonding with Ozzy too -- something that they both have cultivated since Nate was kidnapped to Aitu. They take a romantic walk on the beach and Nate lets Ozzy know that "my five are gonna want to cut off your strong points." They agree to stay friends and work together if they can.

In the shelter, a drunken FrankenAdam is feeling up Pavarti. Ewwww. She protests, but not too much, and when she asks him about Candice he says that they can both enjoy him. OMG -- does FrankenAdam actually think he is so smooth he can set up an island threesome? FrankenAdam drunkenly declares that "It's a great day, the best day since the game started. I touched boobs!"

Becky and Yul talk about what advantages could be gained by revealing that Yul has the hidden immunity idol. They decide that their best option is to try to flip a member of the Raro alliance, and they think Jonathan is the most reasonable, logical choice.

Yul asks Jonathan if they can work together again. Jonathan wants to know why Yul would even want to align with him again, and says that a player who wants to get to the final four needs an alliance with whoever has the HI, and that he wouldn't flip again unless he was aligned with someone who had it.

In an aside, Jonathan says that if he flips, Raro is going to go mental, which is intercut with shots of Raro members grinning like complete idiots. Great editing.

Yul spins a hypothetical in which he says that if he has the HI, either Jonathan aligns with the Aitu alliance or goes home. Jonathan says that he would consider flipping to align with the guy with the HI. "If I was with the guy who had the idol all along and I have to flip back, that's a fantastic twist."

It's fantastic to see two players discussing strategy like rational, reasonable adults. Nothing personal, no vows of everlasting truthyness, no swearing on your kids or the Bible, just "if A then B." This may be a "Survivor" first.

Yul tells Sundra he has the HI, and she is genuinely happy for him -- it's very sweet. She also likes the idea of flipping Jonathan. Becky and Sundra do a happy Aitu dance. They then bring Ozzy into the Circle of Trust. Ozzy feels bad about possibly turning against Nate, but he thinks sticking with Aitu is his best bet.

The cool kids discuss who to vote off next. Pavarti and Candice are threatened by Yul's big brain, and they don't like the fact that he's been talking to Jonathan. They actually have a discussion about how *thinking is bad.*

Candice yanks on Jonathan's leash and demands to know what he's been talking to Yul about. He says that they should target Ozzy. Candice says that Pavarti and Nate are scared of Yul's big words and decent table manners, and he has to go. Jonathan pretty much tells her that Yul's got the HI, but she just doesn't get the hint.

The immunity challenge is pure endurance and willpower. Hang on a pole. The last person to drop wins immunity. Adam is the first to drop -- he only lasts nine minutes. Pavarti, Candice -- girls, I wouldn't get too excited about this guy. No endurance, no stamina -- looks like a two-pump chump to me.

Jonathan says people with bigger feet are at a disadvantage. Yul counters with a explanation of mass, culminating in explaining why elephants don't climb trees. Then he points out that he'll never get a date again. I wouldn't worry about that, Yul -- that was so geeky adorable you'll be swamped with girls. If I wasn't married, I would have already e-mailed you my number.

Candice is doing pull-ups and making ridiculous kissy faces. Jonathan drops, then Nate, then Sundra and Yul. It starts raining. Pavarti falls off the pole. Then Becky. Is it just me, or was Probst flirting with Pavarti?

Somewhere in L.A., Julie from Vanuatu from throws something at her TV.

It's down to Candice and Ozzy, but monkey boy cannot be defeated! Candice falls off, and Ozzy wins immunity.

Nate is happy his buddy Ozzy won immunity. Yul and his big brain are the target. Raro want smash big brain with brick!

Yul shows Jonathan the HI. Yul points out that Jonathan is in theory a great person to take to the final two, because he's made enemies. He does not promise to take Jonathan, he just says it would be a good idea. I love Yul.

Jonathan knows he doesn't have many options besides flip or go home. He says he wants to think about it. He goes to the cool kids and says he's concerned Yul might have the HI. They refuse to even consider the option that he *could* have it, because he was only on Exile Island for "like a day." And if FrankenAdam and Candunce couldn't find it, how could Yul? Wow, these people are DUMB.

FrankenAdam and Candunce make out in the jungle. OK CBS -- this scene was just nasty. Their showmance is not cute, it's not romantic, it's not fun -- it's icky. Please stop, or at least slap those scenes with some sort of warning label.

Jonathan asks Aitu to vote for Nate instead of FrankenAdam. He thinks that if he flips on Candice and Adam, it makes him the guy who has betrayed every person in the game. Aitu agrees to vote for Nate.

At Tribal, Jenny stares with Eyes of Doom from the jury box. She is the new Lex -- you can feel the hate radiating off her. FrankenAdam and Candice get called out on their showmance. Pavarti says they want to make babies, and pouts that FrankenAdam doesn't cuddle as much with her. Ick. Candice tries to turn the discussion to Becky and Yul, but since Becky doesn't spend her days with her head in Yul's lap (see FrankenAdam and Candice) that comparison doesn't fly. Jonathan says he hasn't seen romance between Adam and Candice, which either means he's being *very* sarcastic or is legally blind.

Both alliances agree that this vote will show where things really stand. Jonathan pretty much gives a farewell speech -- happy to have been here, will treasure this experience, boy am I screwed, yadda yadda.

In a 4-5 vote, Jonathan sticks with the Aitu alliance and votes out Nate. Woot!!! A turkey of a player booted on Thanksgiving -- everybody dance!

Nate spews bitter rage in his final statement:

"It hurts to leave this early in the game. Jonathan, you can kiss my ass! You a dirty stanky, whack fruitcake who sold me out, who sold out our tribe when we brought you in. You trading bastard. So kiss my ass, Jonathan. Other than that everyone I love. But that's how it's gotta be in this world." (No, I didn't make this up, it's an actual quote from CBS.com)

Dirty stanky, whack fruitcake? Aww, don't hate the player homie, hate the game.

Next week: No fish for the lazy.