Survivor: An Evil Thought

After dumping Anthony because "he's a giiiirrrrllll bro!" the Little Rascals at Ravu await the arrival of ... a girl.

Lisi's on her way, and Alex and Edguardo are worried, because they perceive her meltdown last episode not as the act of a spoiled, stupid child, but rather some kind of "hysterical chick thing."

I think they actually expect her ovaries to wreak nuclear destruction the second she steps onto the beach.



So what the first thing she does? She spits, hocking a great big loogie into the water as she's getting off the boat. Nice. Are we sure she's *not* Jack Black in drag? Has CBS done a chromosome test?

Lisi does seem to have calmed down some, and does her best to scratch, spit and otherwise blend in with the guys. But then she starts talking about how she had a "spiritual awakening" on Exile Island, and I just stop listening. There will be no new-age tighty-whitey revivals on my Island!

Mookie jokes that Lisi should be happy to be with Ravu, because that means there's five guys with five sets of ears -- not that they're going to listen to her. She's just a girl, after all. But Dreamz says he didn't like Lisi before, and he doesn't like her now -- she should watch her back.

Dreamz sounds so damn eager to backstab someone I think he's ready to bury a knife in between his own shoulder blades just to see how it feels.



At Moto, Earl persuades the rest of the tribe to haul themselves off the couch and go retrieve the boat, which is beached waaaay out on a ridge. It must be nice to have so much stuff you can pretty much dump your boat. I can't wait for Camp Cushy to hold a garage sale -- just to clean out the closets.

But Yau-Man stays behind, which was his and Earl's plan all along. With a pick and a shovel, the search for the Hidden Immunity Idol goes much quicker this time, and soon he's holding an adorable little turtle carving. Woo-hoo!

Yau-Man is so frikking cute in his private celebration, squealing and wiggling like an excited kid and kissing the HII. Then he makes the HII kiss him back on the nose, and that's even cuter. It's a Muppet version of Gollum. He loovvves the Precious. Loves the Precious he does.

Yau-Man even remembers his promise to share with Earl, and pulls him aside when the tribe gets back (with a smooth move about going to untangle a fishing net) to tell him they've got the HII. I like the way they handle this -- no overt celebrating, no obvious "we're having a secret huddle" conversation. Nicely done.



Apparently, the producers wanted to liven things up with the chance for a fatal injury, because the Reward Challenges involves tossing flaming balls at a target with a jai-alai bat. First team to hit three targets wins hot dogs, beer, brownies and an afternoon at an "arcade."

There's always at least one reward that makes me go "Meh." If you have to lose one, this isn't a bad one to lose -- I'd skip the beer anyway, and I don't expect an arcade at Fiji has the most recent version of Virtua Fighter.

Dreamz scores first for Ravu, while Earl starts the Moto trend of *just* missing the target. When Yau-Man steps up to launch his flaming ball, Mookie mocks the way he holds the bat, earning himself a place on my shit list. Yau-Man is chock full of awesome! And he proves it, calmly sinking a shot to score for Moto and then saying "this old guy's good for something yet."

Mookie, who I was wishing would drop his flaming ball down his pants, scores instead, putting Ravu up by one. Buncha people miss, and then Dreamz scores again, winning beer for his homies. By some miracle, Ravu has won it's very first challenge all season, and they send Earl to EI.



Ravu arrives at the arcade, which is pretty cushy and gets bonus points for air conditioning. It's probably at a resort or something. There's foosball, a pool table, a golf game and a single bowling lane -- and food. Tons of greasy, bad-for-you food, with lots of unidentified beer to wash it down.

Here's a Survivor tip: If you win a food reward, go easy on it. Take your time. Don't pig out. Why? Because if you've been living on fried pineapple and coconut for two weeks, with an occasional fish tossed in for variety, downing a couple dozen hot dogs is gonna make your digestive system go NOOOOOOOOOOO!



But does Ravu listen to me? Of course not -- I talk to the people on TV, but they never hear me. So they double-fist brownies and toast their victory with double hotdogs loaded with onions, pickles, cheese and mustard.

Then they tear into the games, playing air hockey and bowling like they've been on a desert island. Lisi sucks at golf, but apparently some of the guys are impressed by her ability to burp and booze -- Mookie says "she's the type of girl you go to a football game with, chug a beer with, bump chests every touchdown." For her part, Lisi talks about how much she likes to be around a bunch of guys.



So what happens after a few hours of boozing and gaming. Ravu gets sick. Someone barfs like a freshman at a frat house. They all complain about their aching tummies and run to the potty. See? I told you so!!

The Italian Gelding takes this opportunity to rag on his own tribe for being "a bunch of babies, bro!" And he goes on and on, AGAIN, ignoring the dirty looks and bitching about how he's so damn superior.

Have I ever mentioned that I hate Rocky? Not that I have a lot of love for the rest of his tribe, but dang!

In fact, Pebble is *such* a toolbox that he said in a interview on Reality News Online that he barfed on purpose so he would feel good enough to make fun of everyone else! Asshat.

Rocky's all "this is the way I am, bro!" but Edgardo points out in confessional that Rocky is a dick. And dicks don't win a million dollars.



Earl's on EI, bored but happy. Since it's his third trip there, he declares it "Earl Island" and draws a banner in the sand, officially opening the snake-filled sandbar for tourism. The lodging sucks, but there's lots of beach and the view is beautiful.



At Moto, Boo moans about how they lost the reward challenge and that if they lose immunity, Yau-Man's got to go because he's the weakest. Hey Boo? I'd like to point out that Yau-Man has an alliance and *you* don't. Also, Yau-Man has been the only member of his team to score in two physical challenges. (tossing fireballs and sumo wrestling) Where do you get off deciding who's useful and who isn't?

Meanwhile, Yau-Man cooks up a scheme and starts making a fake HII out of a coconut shell, painting it with a little face and everything. Then he buries it *right* where the HII really was, wrapped in the same little tarp and everything. Rock on Yau-Man!!!

I was laughing the entire time. Why hasn't anyone thought of this before? I can't wait to see if someone falls for it and tries to give it to Probst. Please let it be Boo!



Immunity challenge time!

Each tribe will designate one person to be the caller while the rest of the tribe is blindfolded. One at a time, the caller will guide their tribe out into a field where five skulls are hanging. Using a Fijian war club one player must smash a skull, releasing a bundle of tiles trapped inside. While still blindfolded that player must then find the tiles, take them to their puzzle board and race back to the start. Then the next person will go. Once the tribes collect all five bundles of tiles, the entire tribe will race to unscramble the them and decipher a two-word phrase. The first tribe to correctly solve the phrase wins Immunity.

OK, who thought blindfolding stupid people and handing them war clubs was a good idea?? We're gonna have some classic Survivor comedy here.



Michelle will be calling for Moto, and Lisi for Ravu. I try to feel sorry for Ravu, but I can't. Let 'em suck.

Michelle is a good caller, easily guiding Stacy through the maze. Ravu falls behind, because Lisi blows, so when Alex finishes his run he orders her off the platform. Ravu starts to catch up.

Michelle guides Cassandra, Earl and Boo to their skulls, dancing and giggling the entire time. Her cheerleader energy is adorable, and she gets so excited she falls off the platform and bounces back up with a "hee-hee!"

I like Michelle almost as much as I like Yau-Man. I propose that Paj date her so I can meet her the next time I go to Cali.

Boo tap-taps his war club like a blind man on crack, and Michelle has to keep directing him to "your left! your left! Your OTHER left, dumbass!" I'm surprised he finished the maze without losing a foot.

Each team has a bundle of tiles left on the course. Yau-Man and Mookie are on the field. Yau-Man can't hear Michelle well though, so Boo offers to take over calling, and suddenly realizes that not only can he not see, he doesn't know his right from his left. Bootard.

Mookie crunches his croutons over and over by running into the fence. I laugh so hard I almost fall off the couch.

Moto is first to start the puzzle, and Cassandra is leading the charge. For all the talk of how weak she is, girl can move when she wants to. Both tribes work on the puzzle, but when Stacy brings Michelle in, she easily solves it, winning immunity for Moto.

After the challenge, Rocky is sitting on a bench next to Edgardo when he flips out again. Most of what he said was bleeped, but I think the gist was "Could you sit any closer to me? What, you wanna fuckin' make out with me or something?"

Wow -- is he *that* scared of boy cooties? Does he think he's gonna catch the gay? Dude -- seek therapy.



Edgardo and Alex consider voting Rocky out before Lisi -- who is at least stupid enough to be loyal. Lisi quickly agrees to vote for Rocky, and as a bonus, offers up the clues to the location of the second HII, because they're "vague."

Woman, if the clues got any more specific Probst would hand you the damn HII! How dumb are you??? You NEVER GIVE UP POWER. The location of the HII was power, and now it's gone, you dumb wench.



Dreamz, always eager to stir up trouble, tells Mookie that Pebble's gonna get smashed. Then he pretty much offers to flip and vote for Lisi, setting up a possible tie. Mookie either misses the hint or doesn't take it, saying that he won't vote for Rocky, but not making much of a play to get Dreamz to align with him either.

For his part, Rocky says "so we're voting out the broad, right?" and then lies around being useless.

At Tribal, Lisi is questioned on her chick fit, Rocky on why he's an asshat, and everyone on why they suck. In the end, Ravu picks a broad over a buffoon, and the Italian Gelding is sent on his way to Loser Lodge.

Rocky actually manages to leave the area with a little dignity, which is more than I expected. He wishes the "boys" luck, pointedly leaving Lisi out, and walks away.

But his final speech starts like this:



And he's majorly pissed, talking smack about how he got smacked in the face with a cinder block (I wish) and how he's going to make sure no one on Ravu wins. Great -- our first member of the jury, and he's going to bring the bitter. Let the eye-rolling begin!



Next week: Mookie digs like a Tremors worm.