Desmond is thinking, thinking, thinking. He's thinking he better do something or he's gonna lose his job and be back to guest spots on "CSI Miami," so he goes over and asks Claire if he can fix her roof.
But Charlie's all "back up off my Kool-Aid, son," and says that if Claire needs any tools, he'll give one to her.
Back at the Others' Zoo and Kidnap Emporium, Jack's chillin' in the fishbowl, watching cartoons. Why is it he gets to watch cartoons while Kate and Sawyer are chewing on fish biscuits?
Juliet brings him a sammich, but Jack wants someone to change the damn channel, and he wants to talk to Ben. Jack thinks Juliet is just the sammich girl, and that she can't give him any answers.
Juliet insists that Ben's not in charge, and that the Others make decisions as a group, but Ben shoots that in the butt by charging in and ordering Juliet to step, because he's got an emergency.
Danny rouses Sawyer and Kate for work detail. Sawyer gives him shit for looking like Jack Nicholson in "Chinatown," but their little banter session is interrupted by the group from the sailboat bringing Colleen back on a stretcher. Danny takes off with the stretcher and Ben and Julia, who have come down to meet the group. Sawyer sees an opportunity.
Sawyer gets a fish biscuit and thinks deep thoughts. Then he tells Kate his big plan: Make a puddle, then when someone comes to get him out of his cage, use the fish biscuit buttons to zap 'em. Kate says he'll get zapped too, but Sawyer thinks he can take it.
Kate wants to know what they're going to do about Jack. Sawyer doesn't care. "What about him? We don't even know if he's here. We don't even know if he's alive. We've got to take care of us. It's every man for himself, Freckles."
Flashback!
Sawyer gives someone a beatdown on the set of "Oz." There's a new guy in jail, a wuss named Munson who is supposed to have stolen $10 million from the government. The warden has been playing nice to Munson, which is why he's still alive.
Later in the sewing room, Sawyer approaches Munson, who's adding some lovely pink trim to a pair of jammies. Sawyer's jealous -- he's been on janitor detail for months, and he want to sew pretties too.
Sawyer tells Munson that the warden is only watching out for him to get his money. Next he'll play nice to Munson's wife. Textbook con. Munson wants to know why Sawyer cares, and Sawyer says advice is free, and besides, he thinks the warden is a dick, and he doesn't want him to win $10 million. Then the warden comes by and acts like a dick, just to prove Sawyer's point.
Ben approaches Sawyer's cage, asking how much Sawyer weighs (about 180) and how old he is (32 ... no wait, 35). He steps in the puddle, and Sawyer grabs him and holds him for the zap. No zap. Ben turned the electricity off, and he gives Sawyer a whuppin.
Sawyer wakes up strapped to an operating table. Someone gives him a block of wood to bite down on, for the pain. Bad sign number one. Sawyer starts yelling, and Jack can hear him through the broken intercom. Then there's an Other with a big-ass hypodermic needle, and they say the words you *never* want to hear:
"No, you have to go through the sternum. The sternum, like in the movie."
Paolo, who's just happy to appear in another episode, is smacking fruit into the ocean with a golf club. Desmond asks him for a golf club, and Paolo gives him one, but says that if he's gonna go off into the jungle and die, Paolo ain't going to go looking for him.
Sawyer wakes up still strapped to the table. He's got a bloody bandage taped to his chest. Ben has a bunny in a cage. The bunny has an 8 painted on his butt. Ben proceeds to shake the cage and yell at the bunny until the bunny keels over dead. Don't they have PETA on this island? Call Pamela Anderson!!
Ben said the bunny had a pacemaker, and now Sawyer has one too. If he tries to run, or fight, or get too excited, his heart will go boom. But while the Others are fans of unnecessary surgery, they say they aren't monsters, so they'll give him a heart rate monitor to keep track of his new condition. Oh, and if Sawyer tells Kate what happened, they'll put one in her too.
Tom puts Sawyer back in his cage, and gives him and Kate some supplies and clean clothes. Kate wants to know what happened, but Sawyer lies -- badly, for a con artist -- and says they just asked him questions. Kate doesn't buy it.
She asks Sawyer to turn around, and starts stripping. He checks out his bandage, and then sneaks a peek at half-naked Kate. His heart rate monitor starts beeping. Kate asks about the beeping, and Sawyer lies and says it's his watch. Then he yells at her to put some clothes on and dumps a bucket of cold water on his head.
Flashback!
Sawyer gets a jail visit from Cassidy, the woman he wooed and conned. She says she had a baby, and that it's his daughter. Cassidy and Clementine are living in New Mexico, and even though Sawyer took her money and her dignity, she wanted him to know he was a daddy. Sawyer denies the baby is his and walks out.
Kate thinks she can climb out of her cage. Sawyer, who has become quite attached to his troubled ticker, tells her to chill, and that they should wait and figure out what is going on.
Juliet comes to get Jack. He wants to know what was up with Sawyer, but she says she needs his help.
Jack is led by the cages with a bag on his head. Kate and Sawyer yell for him, but he can't hear them over the alarm.
Ben is cranky Juliet sprang Jack, but she says Colleen needs help and that she's not a surgeon. Danny's all cranky a castaway is going to work on his wife. Juliet got the bullet out, but she can't stop the bleeding. Jack tries, but Colleen flatlines, and Jack calls for the crash cart. Too bad it's broken. Colleen dies.
Because Sawyer is everybody's whipping boy, Danny storms down to the cages and starts beating on him because Sun killed his wife. Sawyer's a little confused about the beatdown, but he's not fighting back. The heart rate monitor is beeping like crazy anyway. Danny asks Kate if she loves Sawyer, and doesn't stop beating on him until she says she does.
Flashback!
Munson comes looking for Sawyer -- his wife is a tramp, she's going to find the money, and he wants Sawyer to help him move it. Sawyer says no, but Munson says that if he doesn't do it, the warden's going to win.
Sawyer nurses his wounds. Kate climbs out of her cage like a little monkey. As Kate climbs out she says, "I don't know what they did to you, but I know that you're scared enough to lie about it, and that scares me more than anything they have done to us before." She starts banging on the lock on Sawyer's cage with a rock.
Sawyer tells her to leave without him, that it's every man for himself. His watch beeps. He says if she loves him, she'll leave. Kate says she only said that so Danny would stop smacking him, and "live together, die alone." She climbs back into her cage.
Ben and Tom are watching Kate and Sawyer's little drama on the television. Tom says Danny wants to kill Sawyer, and Ben says he's gonna have to wait. So will Jack, who's been left handcuffed in the operating room with Colleen's body.
Juliet talks to Jack, and says she should have come to get him earlier. She says she's a fertility doctor, and that she's not used to death? (Interesting -- the Others steal kids, and they have a fertility doctor? What's up with that?)
Jack says Colleen was dead before they put her on the table. Juliet says she's going to take Jack back to his fishbowl, but Jack wants to talk about the X-rays hanging up in the operating room -- they're not Colleen's, and the man who they belong to has a nasty tumor on his spine. Isn't it interesting that Jack just happens to be a spinal surgeon?
Desmond builds a tower on the beach with bamboo and his golf club. Hurley asks if it's art, and Des says it's an experiment. It starts to rain, and lightning strikes the golf club -- he's made the world's ugliest lightning rod. Charlie gives Des the "significant" look.
Ben wakes up Sawyer and says they're going for a walk.
Flashback!
Sawyer goes to see the warden. There is a Treasury agent there too, and Sawyer tells them where Munson's $10 million is. The agent tells Sawyer he'll get a commission, and Sawyer tells him to send the money to New Mexico in Clementine's name, but not to tell her or Cassidy where it came from.
"Congratulations, Ford," the warden says, "you just lied and cheated your way out of prison. You're a free man."
Sawyer and Ben walk up a hill. His heart rate monitor is beeping, but he's still got enough spirit to razz Ben about reading "Of Mice and Men." He thinks Ben would like it, because puppies get killed.
Ben pulls a bunny out of his bag with the 8 painted on its butt. He says it didn't die, because it was drugged. It never had a pacemaker. Neither did Sawyer. The only thing the Others put in him was doubt. Sawyer gives Ben a richly deserved punch in the mouth.
Ben says they didn't come up here to talk about bunnies. He shows Sawyer that they are on a little island separate from the island the castaways are on. He wanted Sawyer to know there's no place to run.
Sawyer wants to know why the big scheme.
"We did all this because the only way to gain a con man's respect is to con him," Ben says. "You're pretty good, Sawyer, we're a lot better. Funny thing is, us telling you about the pacemaker wasn't what kept you in line. It was when we threatened her. You work so hard to make her think that you don't care, that you don't need her."
Would this dang show just let Kate and Sawyer hook up and get this neverending mating dance over with???
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I think this is what happens to kids when their parents are either busy or uninterested in Halloween: they get the shitty vinyl costume in a box. SVCIB was pretty much a plastic one piece jumpsuit which was colored to look like whatever was popular at the time. Sometimes the designs would come close to looking like they were supposed to. Sometimes they actually had what it was supposed to be written on the front, like "Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle", which serves no one but the clueless parent who's buying a costume for a kid who wants to be Donatello for safety trick or treat night at the high school gym. Anyway, I had Batman twice and Superman once and the experience melds into one big horrible nightmare of dripping with sweat in a plastic cocoon and cutting my lips trying to stick them through the mask's little square pie hole. Then the mask string always breaks then you're just standing there in a pool of sweat looking like a retarded superhero in Keds. HATE!
