Premiere Week III: Cavemen

Aight suckas, there's just a few more premieres left and then we'll be settled into this TV season. So, we'll start tonight with recaps for Cavemen and Carpoolers.

Cavemen (Tues. 8:00 pm ABC)


Yeah, someone who's pulling in at least 6 digits really did greenlight this project. A Geico commercial turned into a full length 22 minute sitcom. I'm actually gonna bear down watch it, for such is my calling and I truly love y'all. If this day wasn't bad enough, I was diagnosed with 24 hour Tourette Syndrome by my fake doctor, so hang on we might experience some turbulence here. Temporary uncontrollable rage + Cavemen = How I roll.

Well it's a few minutes in and Cavemen hasn't really played out like I thought it would. I expected a rehash and extended versions of the actual commercials, like the therapist session, or the prejudice filled luncheon, or uncomfortable moments dealing with modern technology. Sure, it would be lame TV but at least those commercials are entertaining for 30 seconds. Which is sadly 29 more seconds of entertainment that we got from Cavemen.

Hey you dumbfucks! This is like having a show with that old ass lady from Wendy's and having her not give a fuck about the fucking beef!

The premise is that there have always been cavemen that have lived among us through and they still live with among us today. Apparently, they missed an obvious President Caveman joke...or caveman blogger joke (fuck you, by the way). Cavemen are just simply treated like another race. The finished product is a show about mid 20-ish to early 30-ish cavemen bachelors living the swinging life in San Diego.

ARRGH!!! if you were going to insert a race of people from a god-damned commercial, the fucking Cavity Creeps would have been more purposeful. They fucking make holes in teeth and they must be stopped. All the pretty morons in San Diego would have shitted themselves when they saw the Cavity Creeps coming!

After hearing these Cavemen banter about cheating girlfriends, unwritten dissertations, and dating outside the race, a Tortilla Chips and Milk hypothesis forms. The producers of this show were undecided about the direction of the project. So they took a failed pilot script about hip single guys of the same race and used it for this show. Maybe it was El Guapo Vatos or They Hung Lo or Wokking and Rolling (I couldn't pick) or Hide and Go Sikh or Single White Male Jews but whatever it was, they took out the original race in the script be it Mexican, Asian, Indian/Sikh, or Jewish, then "cut and paste, found and replaced" said race with CAVEMEN. So instead of hiring (god forbid) actual ethnic actors, they just took a bunch of cracka ass crackas, glued some hair on them and voila! Brand new show!

FUCK! This is like a cheap ass Entourage except it's about ordinary people. Ordinary people who have furry fucking faces. If you took the Cavemen out of the equation you'd be left with whiny, emotionally stunted pretty white people. Oh yeah,that show already exists it's called FUCKING GREY'S ANATOMY! If you wanted compelling TV you could have licensed the Herbal Essence women who have "organic" experiences. If you cast five hot women who walked around having fake orgasms all the time, that show would fucking rule! Oh wait that show already exists too. I've just described DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES! I can't fucking win! Assholes!

All you're left with at the core of Cavemen is a sorta topical, almost hip sitcom with some Flinstonian jokes thrown in. Our cast of Cavemen include a brainy one, a dumb one, a guy who works at an Ikea knockoff (those scenes were actually funny), the Cave-douche who thinks he's a stud, and a wholesome one. The wholesome one might have also been the dumb one, but it's hard to tell these guys apart when they all have fur on their faces. The sorta plot revolves around Ikea-knockoff-employee Caveman, who struggles with revealing to his Caveman friends that he is actually dating a dreaded homo-sapien or "sape". In the original script they probably used the term "homo-sapien" to replace the equally dreaded but rightfully shunned "Girl from Fresno".

Hey Mac Guy, I bet your Mac can't do spreadsheets like this, Fucko! Hey PC guy, I got to rub up on Megan Fox and I'm dating Drew Barrymore! Your PC sucks shit like this fucking goddamn stupid Cavebitch show!

Ahem, anyway, the ha-ha twist at the end is that while the Cavemen are all down with hot sapien, it turns out that the spaien girlfriend is a Furball chaser and that she's had more fur in her mouth than my cat. Seriously, insert your own choice of race and the show is much more entertaining. I'm going rewatch this episode and pick Serbs.

Hey look it's annoying text message girl! I heard they wanted to spec her for a new show too, but she got beat out by Cavemen. Let's see what she's got to say: FU ABC DIAF ASAMFP (Fuck You, ABC, Die in a Fire, as soon as mother fucking possible)

Aight that was just half of ABC's sitcom premiere next we have:

Carpoolers (Tues. 8:30 pm ABC)
You know what? Fuck this, I'm not watching this show. This is the same network that cancelled Sportsnight and they have the fucking nerve to air that Caveshit? Yeah I'm done with y'all. Sorry fat-kid-from-Stand by Me I'm not gonna watch.

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