For the last few months, Tortilla Chips and Milk has neglected the fashion world. Well, the silence is broken, Mofos! In the premiere column of "Fashion trends I wanna see" we're going to take a look at an accessory that screams sophistication, wealth, and importance. Yes my beloved readers, we're going to take a look at the monocle. The presence of a monocle says one of two things, one, "I'm not going to bother wearing anything over an eye that has perfect vision." More importantly, it could also say, "I only need perfect vision in one eye to rock the house, beyotch!". Sure, you think I'm just being ridiculous in calling for a monocle revolution, but in my lifetime, I've seen urban trends appropriate many other antiquated pieces into the culture , such as the walking cane, newsboy hats, and chalices to name a few. Why not the monocle?
It makes perfect sense if you think about it. Seeing a monocle on someone automatically heightens your expectations. If you see two people in military uniforms and one of them has a monocle, who do you think has the higher rank? The guy with the monocle, of course. You see two well-heeled men in suits, one has a monocle, one doesn't, who do you assume comes from older money? Mr. Monocle. Seriously , you think that Planters didn't know it was doing when it stuck a monocle on a peanut? Quick, then name another peanut company, asses!
To further my point , if you see someone with a monocle, you just know that when they open their mouths they're not gonna sound like Stu Shithead. You're expecting a voice that's regal, continental, or suave. The monocle reduces your chances of being thought a trifling' punk-ass on first glance to almost nil! Any schmuck can rock the platinum bling, but a platinum monocle, shoot man, I'm gonna hang wit you!
The possibilities are endless with the monocle as a fashion accessory. Platinum, jewel encrusted monocles, multi-colored lenses, monocles with blinking LED lights that say custom messages, monocles without lenses but with dollar signs, Air Jordan, Gucci or Louis Vuitton logos...really my imagination is makin' so much bank right now.
Imagine the hilarity in an upcoming sitcom on the CW, when guest star, (insert latest rap sensation) is told that they've been bootlegging' his album on the street five months before it's release and in his shock and surprise, his ruby monocle falls into his pimp cup and splashes all up in his hyphy juice. Seriously yo, that's comedy gold right there.
Of course, I realize the dangers of the monocle in today's world. Step up to the wrong dime in the club and if her dude decides to "DOT" that monocled eye...man, it's all she wrote.
It's aight though, you can always be retro and rock the Slick Rick look. Ain't nothing' wrong with that, suckas!
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