Nip/Tuck--a look back

Aight suckas. Stop your grumbling. Paj and I have lives to live, you know?

So, if you missed Nip/Tuck two weeks ago you should still be hitting yourself upside the head, because it was the best episode I've seen since the Nanny got smacked into next year by a city bus. I can still see the blood trail in my mind... Really I can't do this episode justice, so suffice it to say that Satan the serial killer came back for another face lift, the loser plastic surgeon (henceforth to be known as Waldo. Why? Because I said so.) came back for an "anal retread" after being Satan's bitch for a few years and--oh yes--I believe there was midget sex. Do yourself a favor and do whatever it takes to watch this one. For future episodes, the main thing you need to know is that neither Satan nor the leaky-headed nanny should be bothering Sean anymore.

This Tuesday it was back to the future for some unsettling makeup and baby Connor's second hand surgery. It was finally time to write Julia off the show. Paj will be doing a full recap, so here are a few of my rants:

Connor, now 18, is visiting his therapist trying to get his shit straight before a traumatic surgery to fix his other hand. Apparently his parents haven't spoken in years, his sister is a mess, and he is blaming the whole thing on himself. The therapist asks why, and cue the wavy screen effect:

It was a dark and stormy night. Hurricane Lurleen (I think I have this wrong, but I like Lurleen so I'm sticking with it) is moving in and should hit Miami as a category 5 storm. Now I must vent here for a moment. ANYONE who has EVER been through a hurricane knows that it does not storm for 3 days prior. In fact, it is always creepy calm. So it was a little difficult for me to hear dialogue over my own shouting, "Bullshit! this is Bullshit!"

Back to the future again, and Connor tricks the family into getting together for dinner the night before his surgery. The best part about this episode is that Annie, now older and completely screwed up, gets to say everything we've been mumbling under our breath this season. For example: "You were the worst parents ever! Like, remember when I cut up my dolls' hands to look like Connor's just because I was trying to process, and you completely freaked out? No wonder I'm a mess!" Paj, you know there was a better line but I'll save that for you. Let's just say it was a pleasure to meet her boyfriend. I also couldn't help but notice that she holds her cigarette just like an old Phillipino friend of mine...

Other than that, there were a lot of fake wrinkles and liver spots on the lead characters, and I knew that I had truly entered Bizarro world when Matt was decent looking. Christian was waaaay over the top as a sleazy old man. I bet the outtakes from this stuff were better than the actual episode.

Overall, I thought the episode was pretty weak, but they got rid of Julia and the male nurse, so that's not all bad. It'll be interesting to see what happens next.

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Eeeew.

Well, Nip Tuck returned with an old, old friend this week--the crazy plastic surgery addict from Season 1 who had a stroke and went into hiding for 2 years. She's back, with her new caretaker Evetta, and they seem to care for each other in an amusing, Karen and Rosario sort of way. She now has stage four cancer, but wants to look good in the casket. When Christian tells her she'll never survive the surgery she says, "No problem! You'll just do them when I'm dead!" And with those words, we're off to another crazy, creepy episode.

Sean continues to be annoying about doing Connor's surgery, actually going so far as to take out some guy at the pancake house because his son made fun of Connor's hands. But, since Christian became an asshole again last week (and I think you all know what I'm talking about--that stunt with Kimber was particularly evil) Sean has to retreat to being the nice guy. Therefore, we are treated to a number of flashbacks that hint a traumatic deformity in Sean's past.

Back at the McNamara Ranch, Male nurse continues to be obstructionist about the surgery. When Sean brings Julia in for an interview with the hand surgeon, she has MN show up out of the blue and start asking questions about pain memories. When Sean gets pissed off and says so, Julia storms out of the session. Honestly, if I were Sean I'dve bitch-slapped Julia and made her sleep on the couch for a few days just for inviting MN without asking.

Evette calls Christian over to crazy surgery lady's house because she refuses to eat, and he talks her down with the promise of a Botox injection in exchange for eating. He also finds out that she might have been an interesting person who could've sung with Burt Bachrach if she hadn't gotten married and addicted to the knife. She tells Christian she loves him, and eats her soup. Unfortunately, when she stops by the office for her shot, she dies before he can even load up the needle.

Male nurse, in his overly sensitive, wrinkled-forehead way, decides that it's time for him to leave the household just as Julia decides that surgery is out for Connor. Then, in the creepiest on-screen moment since Doom did Rosie, they kiss! Eeeeeeeeeeeew.

Christian begins his post-mortem nip/tuck, and obsesses about what to say in her Eulogy. As he performs her final lypo, he is serenaded by the sweet, sweet sounds of Burt Bachrach and his dead patient.

Cut back to a stormy night at the McNamara house, and Sean (yawn) decides to reveal his secret to Julia. As the flashback plays out, a young Sean walks into get his photo taken for baseball and we see...



a cleft palette. As he comes clean to Julia and cries on her shoulder, we see the guilt-face on Julia for once instead of Sean. Does this mean I have to watch her nuzzle Male Nurse again?

The funeral arrives, and not one person other than Christian and Evetta bother to come despite a 500-person guest list. Even Evetta ends up a little miffed, when crazy leaves all of her substantial estate to Christian for a free plastic surgery fund. Well, at least she can get some free lypo. After Evetta leaves, Christian starts to give his eulogy, but ends up yelling at her instead. Sadly, it all ends with a reciprocal, "I love you."

The episode ends when Julia and Sean take Connor in for surgery together. Male Nurse shows up to wait with Julia in the lobby as the new hands take shape. I think I might need to take some dramamine before next week's episode. Just the previews made my stomach lurch a few times.

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The Descent Into Crazy (and a few tattoos)

Well, it's Tuesday again. For once, I've got to say that I love this show.

Christian begins tonight's feast of carnal sin with a homoerotic dream about Sean. Somehow though, I'm not sure whether I'm watching South Park or Nip/Tuck. Scientologists? Crazy voltmeters determining Thetans? And now Sean, I mean Tom Cruise, won't come out of the closet! Thankfully the whole creepy dream is over before too long, but not before I've seen more than my share of that mold--I mean hair--growing all over Sean's chest.

Back in the real world, Sean and Julia have decided to go on a honeymoon as we learn that the male nurse has some severe diarrhea. And just as Christian is defending his pure love for Michelle in the middle of the OR (why do they think it's appropriate to have these conversations in front of the RNs?) JR shows up with a penis pump attached to his member. Christian gives him some pills and an icepack and "pop!" off it comes. Thankfully Michelle is only a few doors away, and off he goes to make the best possible use of his erection.

Brooke "Bend Over" Sheilds is back, asking Christian to help her by removing the "Property of Marco" tattoo on her lower back. Turns out she's a sex addict with a nasty past.

Sean arrives home to find that (Surprise!) Crazy is back in his living room. Julia's holding a great big spoon and mixing it in with the peanut butter, explaining that Male nurse has a stomach virus and Monica will be filling in while they go on the honey moon. After Julia leaves to pick up Connor (he does conveniently make a few appearances in this episode) Crazy says to Sean, "Haven't you learned you can trust me yet? I'm a professional!"

During Brooke's tat removal, she advises Christian to confront the woman in his homoerotic dream and reveal his feelings. Both Michelle and Kimber were in this particular dream, helping to remove Sean's chest hair, so I'm really not sure who he's thinking about here. Conveniently, he finishes up and Michelle locks him in the break room so that he can finish her off. Instead, he confronts her and tells her to go back to JR--it's over. Later, he thanks Bend Over for the advice and we find out that Brooke actually thought the woman Christian cared for was her.

Sean uses his brilliant reasoning skills and goes back to Crazy's apartment, where she is about to pierce her own belly button. He ends up doing it for her, and as final evidence of her lunacy she doesn't even flinch when the needle goes through. He gives her a wad of cash and tells her to get lost. Is that super-crazy I see boiling in those eyes?

No! It was super-duper-crazy! I thought she was going to set something on fire, but instead she goes to Sean and Julia's house and starts breast-feeding the lobster baby instead! That's gotta pinch.

So, as Sean frets about how to handle the crazy nanny he gets 2 sets of advice: Christian says to let it go because Julia will never believe the crazy anyway; and Devil Tattoo man returns to say that the only solution is to "kill the bitch".

Cut to Dr. Troy arriving at Chez J.R. Turns out that he an dMichelle have been summoned there unexpectedly. J.R presents each of them with evening wear, then demands that they have sex while he watches rather than doing it in secret. Christian tries to tell him it's over, but JR has something else in mind. They can either screw each other while he watches or, (and I must quote here) he "swears on these fake balls of mine that I will ruin you both." They have 24 hours to come up with an answer.

AAAAAA! Turns out Brooke is behind it all. She actually came after JR to put this little plan in action! Now who's putting peanut butter in the crazy?!

Speaking of crazy, Monica shows up at the office with an infected nipple from all the fake breast-feeding. Devil-man tries again to convince Sean to off her, but Sean caves and tells her to seek psychological treatment instead. She runs out threatening to tell the police that he raped her and



OH, SMACK! Literally! I love this show, I really do. She gets flattened by a city bus, leaving a trail of blood and guts on the asphalt and the words "I'll tell Julia" hanging in the air like a little balloon.

Sadly the fun doesn't last long because now we have to watch JR watch Christian have sex with Michelle. Cree-py. Nuf said.

Julia and Sean share a romantic dinner as Julia wonders what ever happened to sweet Monica. Little does she know that Monica and her leaky brains are right there at the table across from Devil Tattoo man in Sean's mind.

The episode ends with Ms. Bend Over bent over again, this time getting a new tat in her secret target zone: "Property of Christian Troy".

Seriously--I don't know where the crazy starts and the peanut butter begins.

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Didn't Julia have a baby?

Well, well, well. It only took 2 weeks for the lobster claw baby to bow out of the Nip Tuck storylines; this week we didn't even see the male nurse. Fine by me. Those prosthetic ET fingers were getting creepy.

The episode begins with James and Christian having a visit in Christian's office. Apparently, Michelle is indebted to James for 2 more years, or about $500K. Of course, she'll also accept payments of $100K or $75K and a free procedure each month. Now, is it just me or is it completely unbelieveable that Christian actually cares about this woman? Maybe he's just doing it to stick a knife in his boss' back, but is that really worth half a million? I can do that just by blogging at work. Heh.

Anyway, speaking of buying people off, Christian takes Sean shopping for an engagement ring. As usual Sean tries to take the cheap route, but all it takes is a quick, "you banged the night nurse" from Christian and he agrees to purchase the $165K rock. You know, 'cause it looks better next to lobster claws.

On the way home, they spot Matt in his creepy Scientology costume picking up trash on the side of the road. Now that he is really in the fold, he gets to wear the cool khaki pants and blue button-down like the rest of the alien souls. While I'm on this topic, let's just get Matt out of the way as quickly as possible: Christian convinces Sean to buy him off with a Porsche, which he initially accepts and then gets p-whipped into giving it back by Kimber. She also convinces him that it's time to leave the nest and move in with the rest of the crazies. Julia actually tries to stand up to Kimber as she's moving Matt's stuff out of the house, but Kimber crushes her by calling out the guilt engagement ring which she has accepted from Sean.

As the episode progresses Sean and Julia actually hire a deprogrammer to come and "cure" Matt of his allegiance to Scientology by kidnapping him, but that fails miserably and (thank goodness) we don't see him again for the rest of the episode. So much for Matt being normal this season. Julia freaks out and throws the guilt ring back in Sean's face--honestly I can't remember the reason this time. More importantly, why does Matt have to look so much like Michael Jackson? What producer made the decision, "I think it's great that he looks like a child-molesting freak! Let's give him more screen time next week, and can we make the eyebrows bigger?" Ugh.
And now, the moment you've all been waiting for: Rich Rosie. Rosie won $381 million and wants lypo so that "her body matches her bank account." Her daughter wants new boobs and a new bellybutton, and Rosie wants her new hubby to get a penis enlargement. McNamara/Troy agrees to do the procedures for triple the usual cost.

Once those procedures are done, Christian agrees to teach Rosie how to be high class for $50K. This is, ironically, exactly his share of Matt's Porsche. No wonder Dr. Doom gets to drive the Lamborghini.

Back at the office, Christian does a little work on James' hands as her first payoff procedure. As she leaves, and he wonders how on earth he'll raise the $75K he owes this month, Rosie appears saying she loves the look but now the house needs a makeover. Of course, Christian is happy to oblige for--you guessed it, $75K. She accepts the offer, but as they are touring the house discussing changes they discover the most horrible thing yet: daughter and step dad doing it in the master bedroom because "I just wanted to try out my new titties, mom!"

Well, Rosie doesn't take to kindly to that, and before you know it daughter and stepdad have moved back to Jacksonville together because Rosie was more fun when she was poor. Turns out Rosie still wants to have fun, though, and she wants to have it with Christian. She shows up at his apartment, admires the giant phallus sculpture, and offers to pay Christian whatever he wants for sex. Christian coyly demurs (like the true lady he is), but then agrees to do it for $400K. She offers an extra $20K if he'll do her on the zebra rug. What follows is the most deadpan, weird sex scene ever, featuring Christian's standard rear-view and Rosie talking the whole time.

Julia finally relents and proposes to Sean with his own old wedding ring, and he accepts. They are married in a small, cheap ceremony while Julia holds lobster baby (okay, sue me--he made it in one scene) and Christian looks on.

Christian pays off James with the $400K he got from Rosie, and she appears to leave. Silly Christian. James is waiting for Michelle in her garage, and tells her that the only way to keep her affair with JR under wraps is to go back into service, which she does. But did anyone really believe she was just an escort? Sure, escorts have to have their faces rearranged by a marble paperweight all the time to avoid being recognized. Hah. Turns out Michelle did a little better in evil medical school than we all thought, and she's actually the kidney stealer! Woo-ah-hah-hah!

See you next week.

Tags: nip/tuck, TV

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Nip/Tuck Ep. 4.04 Shari Noble aka The Liver, The Thief, The Dog is Her Lover

Aight suckas! I've got Nip/Tuck again this week. The Rizzle graciously agreed to take over Grey's duties for me since I'll be out of town for the next few days. So we traded. Teamwork! 'Cause that's how TC and M rolls. First, we have Saved By the Bell ass now this episode has the potential sullying of Little House on the Prarie's Laura Ingalls...still so conflicted. At least I didn't see Mr. Snuffalupagus on the guest star sheet...and no, you pervs that isn't a euphamism for any of the characters, though it would be pretty cool if the dwarf was packin' in the teens.

We start in the office where Sean is confessing to Christian his dalliance with the crazy, banshee, Carol Seaver lookin' nanny. He also adds with some serious grit and determination that he wants to do it again "BADLY". Christian deletes Monica's name from Sean's cellphone and claims that's that. Yes, because crazy always goes away that easily. Meanwhile, we see Christian and Mrs. J.R. giving a slow burn lesson in flirtation. She reveals that she's gone to medical school, but didn't finish and that reconstructive surgery has alwys been a dream of hers. Christian gets bitchslapped as he's about to fondle her breast.

Back from credits, Julia is having problems with breast-feeding and lactating and other stuff I have no clue about. Anyway, Julia can't get her lactose to flow and Sean says that its important for the pending surgeries that he dine on mother's milk. Julia thinks that it's post partum depression and meds might be in order.

Guest star time. Ah, there's little Laura Ingalls. Turns out her pit bull Rojo, bit her nipple off. Damn! She defends the dog with the dog-owner equivalent of "I fell down" and that he was just playing. She says her nipple got in the middle of a dog fight. There's a joke there somewhere, but I don't think I can get away with that one. She stresses to Dr. Doom that she needs it to llok like it never happened because her husband is coming home from Iraq. She doesn't want Mr. Ingalls to put Rojo down because she leurves her dog.

Dr Doom greets Mrs J.R. with a "Your Chocolate Cupcakes are looking very tasty this morning". She disinvites Doom from a fundraiser. As they fix Melissa Gilbert's chewed off nipple, seriously yo, I never thought I'd ever type that sentence... Liz enlists Doom for help on gettin her laid since her game can't keep up with the times. Doom offers to be her coach on Saturday night.

Male Nurse Shorty (MNS) is painting a mural for the baby's room. It's the beginning of a Garden of Eden scene. Julia says it's kinda of inappropriate, MNS says just be patient, it'll be even more creepy when it's done. Julia confides in MNS about her concerns with Post Partum. MNS understands her. The countdown to Dwarven sex begins...NOW! MNS tells her he knows a trick that might get her lactating. He takes a warm washcloth and places it across her breast and says it relaxes the milk ducts or something. PLAYA PLAY! The S in MNS now stands for SMOOTH, yo! I have never been prouder to be a man. Sean happens to walk in, add "WTF my wife is getting felt up by a Dwarf" face to his collection of faces.

Liz and Doom are out on the prowl in a Lesbian bar. A hottie is looking their direction and Doom takes his que. He gets shot down and it turns out she is actually interested in Liz. The bartender slides Liz a drink compliments of the hottie who wants to know "How soon she can dump the fairy?" BURN!

Quickly, we get some girl on girl, but all is not what it seems. Liz wakes up to find a ringing cell phone taped to her hand. The voice on the other end tells her paramedics are on the way. That's right folks it's the old "Gotcha Kidney!" trick Nip/Tuck style!!!! Psst...Liz...how's that single kindey bounce? SUCKA!!!!!!!

Flash to the hospital, where the doctor explains that there's a string of kindey thefts sweeping Miami. In a nice scene, Sean and Doom comfort her that they will take care of her and that she's not alone as long as they're around. Forget the narcissism and deviant sex, McNamara and Troy are all about being loyal to their friends. AWWWW!!!

Cue the ominous music because Mrs. J.R.'s mystery woman Jaquiline Bissett is back, and this time she's brought a gorgeous waif with her. It turns out the waif compromised a client and has to get her oh-so-perfect face fitted with a new nose and chin ASAP. Jackie Bissett's name is actually James, and it turns out James has Mrs. J.R. and Waif by the eggs for some unknown reason. Mrs. J.R. says that Sean and Doom won't operate on Waif's perfect face. James is all like perfect, huh? James takes a marble paperweight off the desk and whacks Waif right in the mush. Hardcore! Face hurt? It's killing me.

Doom questions the surgery but relents. He steps the seduction even further when he offers Mrs. J.R. a chance to assist with the surgery herself. Screw professional ethics, Doom is the MACK!!!!

Sean decides to fire MNS for fondling Julia's breast. Sean tries to expose MNS's game with the whole "you must get tempted by the boobies being a dwarf and all" speil. MNS calls bullshit and and says he doesn't need to roll like that and starts to list his conquests. I'm an MNS believer! Just as MNS is about to leave...KNOCK KNOCK! Who's there? It's CRAZY! CRAZY Who? CRAZY, who you fucked last week you asshole! Monica peeps in with "Hi, is a bad time?" Is she still crazy? Then yes, it will ALWAYS be a bad time. With a damning look from MNS, Sean lets the Drawf who fondled his wife stay. Deviated septum...Akron...my wife had one gigantic titty...

Monica tells Sean that she's staying in town and she wants to see him again. Sean gives the most unconvicing "No, we made a mistake" I've ever heard. Monica tells him that she'll be waiting for him. Um, Sean...CRAZY! RUN AWAY NOW!!! Not even cell phone deletion can ward off the crazy.

Doom is having his post-op exam with Melissa Gilbert, when in walks a very intense Mr. Gilbert. Turns out he came home early. Imagine that. Mel tries to apologize for not cleaning the house for his return, asks if Rojo pooped in the house and other forms of deflect fu, but Mr. G ain't havin' none of that yo! He calmly says "I saw an open peanut butter jar, by the goddamn bed." Oh shit! Are they going there? This show really has no bounds. OMG you got crazy in my peanut butter, you got peanut butter in my crazy! He continues "I thought we agreed this wasn't gonna happen...again" Doom somehow hasn't put two and two together yet. He doesn't get the fact that Mel lost her nipple because Rojo got a little overzealous with the Peanut Butter Areola Crunch. Really though, can you blame the dog? Forget the Samoas and the Thin Mints! I'ma order me some Peanut Butter Areola Crunch the next time a Girl Scout comes around peddling her cookies. *Pause* What the hell am I saying? Forget that ever happened.

Anyway, Mr G leaves Mel a present. Turns out he took care of business the way any man would with his wife's lover. He capped Rojo, cause that's how he rolls. Poor Rojo, he was just a squrrel tryin' to get a nut. Nothing good ever comes from messing with the crazy. Little House on the Prarie has now officially been ruined. FOREVER!

Sean likes to do things his way. The dumb way. He shows up at Monica's. He asks for a drink, but is greeted with magic brownies instead. She hits her stereo and "Obsession" by Animotion comes on. WTF? Is it 20 years ago all of a sudden? Monica then starts to do the most unattractive striptease-seduction dance in history. Them Akron hoochies is WHACK!!! She now officially has no redeeming qualities left. Anyway, we have a hash induced Devil Angel scene where Sean realizes that he loves Julia. Sean tells Monica it's over and goes home. And that's that for Monica. We will never see her again. EVER!

Doom corners Mrs. J.R. to spill the beans about the fake surgery. She confesses that she was a med student and sorta kinda an escort. James was her Madame who paid for her Med School and now she has Mrs. J.R. and by extension the practice by the sack. Doom, of course, uses this newfound information to successfully sleep with her...for he is Doom.

Julia and MNS have a heart to heart where Julia admits that she feels guilt for baby crustacean hands and that she wishes she had gone through with aborting it, but she is finally coming to grips with how she feels. Sean coms in and stares at the mural and describes it as, with the subtlety of Dog licking on a nipple "The perfect world before the fall" Even without the lobster hands Suri Cruise has a better chance of growing up normal. Wow lots of stuff to swallow here. Good episode!

Tags: Nip/Tuck, TV, NipTuck

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Nip/Tuck Episode 4.03 Monica Wilder aka The One with A.C. Slater's Ass

On last weeks Nip/Tuck: He who propositions Dr. Doom for fellatio will feel his mighty bitchslap! (That's all I got, I was watching ECW)

Aight, my peeps I'm pinch hitting for The Rizzle on this week's recap of Nip/Tuck. Now, there is no way I can live up to the dignified and classy manner which ERizzle handles her bidness, but this is Nip/Tuck so there's no need to even front like that, yo! Okay, Sean? Dr. Doom? Y'all ready? Word!


Ah the spoils of selling your lucrative plastic surgery practice...We open up with Sean and Christian (Dr. Doom) driving their new toys into work. One of the doctors bought a Prius while the other doctor bought an orange Lamborghini that matches his shirt. The writers want to make it clear from the beginning that this is HOW THEY ROLL!!! Well, at least how they're supposed to.
After Sean and Dr. Doom finish admiring their new rides they enter into work with Liz and Alice(?) staring in into a laptop giggling like crazy. It turns out that Dr. Doom has been caught on tape playing "Doctor" and the video has gone viral on YouTube. I'm telling you, there's nothing like hearing Dr. Doom yell "touchdown" while he's banging away at some chick.

Naturally, Dr. Doom is horrified, not because of the egregious invasion of privacy, though. He's pissed that the camera angles make his stomach look flabby and that the video ends with a less than flattering zoom in on his hairy asscrack. Dr. Doom suddenly doesn't feel like he's representing his Doomness and begins the slow transformation into a freshman sorority girl.

As we fade from Doom's Ass, we zoom onto one ginormous titty. Hey, that's no titty! It's actually Julia's pregnant belly. For real though, it really does look like a booby, yo! This scene is an excuse to see more of Sean's "conflicted" face, which he seems to have whenever he's in the same room with Julia and/or whenever he thinks about his lobster claw baby. Anyway, Sean and Julia decide to start interviewing night nurses for the baby's imminent arrival.
Doom can't shake his self-image problem and consults Sean about liposuction, going as far as marking out his own trouble spots. Sean pretty much tells him to get his fat-ass to the gym and to stop being so superficial. Because in case you forgot, Sean's going to have a handicapped son and from now on it's All! About! SEAN!

Doom hits the gym and takes some shit from his personal trainer. While on the bar thing to the side, up strides none other than Mario Lopez, A.C. Slater of Saved By the Bell, wearing Bayside red and grey. A.C. does his dips and pull-ups and what not and gets some actor/model snark from Dr. Doom.
Doom's trainer, looking at Mario explains "Oh, he's not an actor" BWAH! Oh, it turns out Mario is playing the role of a rival plastic surgeon, not himself. Cut to...Oh Holy Mary! My eyes! My burning, burning, eyes A.C. Slater's ass is all over the screen! Make it stop! They should put a disclaimer or a warning beep or something! Body double or not, that is something I could have really gone without seeing. Blech!!! Thanks to the last five seconds of Nip/Tuck and the movie Showgirls, I now have a mental reference for Saved By the Bell: The PORNO Years!!! Now I have the Sean "I'm so conflicted face" going on. Back to the story, it turns out Dr. A.C. is a fan of Doom's, while Doom covets A.C.'s abs. After A.C. explains the work he puts in to stay captain of the Bayside wrestling team and stay one step ahead of Valley's top wrestler Needick, Doom decides he's prolly gonna go under the knife.

Oh his way out Doom, runs into Matt, who hasn't been returning his phone calls. Doomspawn calls Christian an SP, a Suppressive Personality, which pretty much means anyone who intereferes with his religious pursuits. Doom tries to warn his son of Kimber's ability to prey on the vulnerable. Matt retorts that Doom's all about women and abusing them and flashy cars. Then Matt hits Doom with the indefensible unilateral decision. Doom's out of Matt's life until Matt says so. On the bright side, at least Doom was spared the fake-breakup speech.

We cut to Sean and Julia and the first of the night nurse applicants, Monica Wilder. Monica's young, cute, and prefers the term "handicapable". Screw that! Let us focus on the young and cute part. Of course she's from the Midwest, Akron to be exact, and she's got the whole "Carol" on Growing Pains thing goin' on. She totally charms Sean and Julia with her breathy voice and apparent sensibility. When it's time for her to leave, it's raining and she doesn't have a car. Julia volunteers Sean drive Monica home. Waitaminit, don't 80% of Lifetime movies have this plot device? Aren't those movies all about a middle aged woman's struggle to put her life back to together after her husband is seduced by the young tramp when he DRIVES THE YOUNG TRAMP HOME!?! Jeez, Julia that is not how you roll!!!

We're in the Prius now, where Monica teaches us the three steps of seducing an older, married man.

1)You know what he's going through, unlike his wife. Immediately, Monica emotes that she understands what Sean must be going through and how he must feel like his needs aren't being met.

2)Now that you've formed quick bond emotionally, make him notice how hot and young you are. Monica then says how tough it is to get noticed among the Miami hotbodies and asks for Sean's opinion on her non-bumpy nose. She draws him into staring in her face for about three hours or so. It also helps that she unbuttoned her dress to flash some panty.
3)Remind him of what it's like to be young. Monica then turns on the radio and Oasis' Wonderwall is playing. It also happened to be her prom theme. Monica and Sean then reminisce of what it was like to live responsibility and baby free. Now, at this point I swear she was begiinning to touch herself off camera. Sean asks Monica what a Wonderwall is. Monica replies it's someone you can count on, someone who will always be there. Actually, Wonderwall was a George Harrison album that- SHUT UP Music geek PAJ! No one asked you!
Holy crap!!! They're DOING IT!!!! Sean's got her in the ground and pound and she's uh, very happy to be there. A friend of mine commented that Sean needed to take some lessons from Doom when it came to "lovemaking" techniques. I didn't respond really because 1)I'm a big fan of the ground and pound 2) he's doing a young tramp, it's all about gettin' his! I kept waiting for the transition back to the Prius and the "it was just a fantasy" moment, but to my surprise and delight, it doesn't happen!

We come back from commercial to the worst post-cheating "Here's why I'm late" phone call. Sean tells Julia that the new hybrid car RAN OUT OF GAS!!! Sean, Sean, Sean...dude! Anyway, she buys it and Sean lets her know that it's "not appropriate" to hire her. Out of all the lurid, sleazy acts that happen on this show, hiring the young tramp he just banged is "not appropriate." That pretty much flips the crazy switch for Monica Wilder. Like a drunk guy in Borders' magazine section, suddenly there are issues everywhere. She at least tips us off by speaking in the third person with a "Screw You Monica!". She compares Sean to the client in Akron, whom she also screwed, who used loving phrases like "You make love like an ugly girl" and "It's like putting lipstick on a pig." Oh SNAP, the young tramp Sean just screwed is CRAZY! RUN! (Hey I might pitch that title to Spike TV). Instead of running away and leaving her crazy ass in the rain, Sean offers her plastic surgery. Wow.

Sean brings her in to fix her deviated septum and he's trying to keep it on the down low. No luck Doom AND Linda come in and Linda is all like "hey is that Monica Wilder?" The logic of how Doom and Linda silently put 2 and 2 together is amazing. Hmm...night nurse applicant...freebie work on a deviated septum...HE MUST HAVE PORKED HER! Christian totally calls him out on his hypocrisy with a priceless "You deviated your dick into her!" Sean's left holding the scalpel of shame mumbling deviated septum...Akron...my wife has one giant titty...

We have a brief scene where Liz confides with Mrs. JR that she saw her little lesbian tryst last week. Mrs JR explains they were just friends in a "friends can booby touch in the dark" kinda way. snore!

It turns out that Monica has decided to move to back to Akron leaving Sean alone with Julia again. He starts spazzing out and Julia tries to calm him by offering sex. Sean turns her down, cause he's pretty much a prick now.

Doom and Liz are working on surgery and Liz is giving Doom more crap about his sex video. They have this awesome exchange:

Doom: I don't think it's appropriate to discuss your new jack off material over surgery
Liz: Oh I didn't masturbate to your sex tape Christian, I am not a CHUBBY CHASER
Doom: Can you even find your wheaty gooch under that massive gunt of yours?

Mrs. JR comes in a spoils the fun by firing Liz for sexual harassment, but that lasts for about a minute and she's only on probation. snore!

In the home stretch of the episode, Doom has Dr. A.C. work over his ass. Doom learns a little about being obsessed with health and fitness. Sorta kinda.

Sean and Julia interview a new night nurse.Um...let's call it a wash and say that the interview doesn't go well. The, uh, night nurse guy suggest that Julia chill a bit and get to know the baby before jumping into corrective surgery. After the nurse leaves Julia's water breaks.

We head to the delivery room, Doom is nowhere to be found. Julia has to have an emergency C-Section, so it'll be an express delivery. Sean is so preoccupied with the freak popping out of the massive titty that he totally abandons Julia, to the point that she has to grab his face for Sean to even look at her.

The baby is delivered without complications, aside from the lobster claw hands. Still, it freaks out the little sister even though she was just playing simulated lobster hands last week.

Christian shows up and promises a heartbroken Sean that he'll make up for not being there for the birth. Julia decides to hire the male night nurse. The odds of seeing Dwarven Sex for the first time on cable TV just went up exponentially. Yes, I did specify cable, so don't think you can bust me DrWan!

Okay I'm done, I need a shower now, SUCKAS!

Tags: Nip/Tuck, TV

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Dirty, Pretty Things

Well, Nip/Tuck is back. And while yes, a mother/daughter sexual tag team isn't exactly the most wholesome scene on TV, the filthiest thing I saw was Sean trimming his nose hairs. Eeew!
But at least we start the season with a bang. Ha. And I'm sure that pregnant ladies all over the country were having a chuckle while watching the sexual acrobatics between Sean and Julia. Speaking of creepy, nasty things, that fake pregnant belly was not right.

So, the primary story line for this episode were:
JR needs some bigger balls so that his wife will have sex with him again (Apparently he believes that they will also help him to be more aggressive in business). Perhaps they will also help him to notice that his wife is constantly making eyes at the man who will soon have his balls--and a knife--in his hands.
Kathleen Turner, as Cindy Plumb, needs a voice lift so that she can continue her illustrious career as a phone sex star. Even though he isn't so sure at first, the clear emotional stability of her desire is enough to convince Sean to take her money and do the surgery.
Julia finds out that her baby will be born with a severe deformity, where he will have hands that look more like lobster claws than anything else. She decides to keep the baby anyway, but Sean is pretty upset and never quite gets around to proposing marriage after that. I won't talk much more about this story. It makes me tired.

Back to the good stuff: Christian's little "family affair" is going pretty well for awhile. I mean, they can both give a blow job without even smearing their lip gloss. Unfortunately, Christian has issues kissing someone whose tongue was just tickling his tuckuss and the ladies are mightily offended. While I don't normally sympathize with Christian, I am in full support of this policy.
In Christian's attempt to be a more sympathetic character, he decides to seek counseling from Brooke Sheilds who, for the purposes of this series, shall be called Faith. She accuses him of being in love with Sean, and for the rest of the episode we have lots of fun with Christian fearing the worst.
IMMEDIATELY he returns to the office where Sean is playing with JR's future balls, and is invited to join in the fun. Also, he decides that the decor in his apartment is a bit too "metrosexual" and hires a designer to "butch it up". I love this. Kathleen Turner needs help sounding less like a man, and Christian needs help to decorate like one.

With all the stress, Christian and Sean decide they've had enough. It's time to make their money and sell the practice to the guy with the newly enlarged testicles. This way his hot wife can continue to make eyes (and probably love) to Christian while Sean can focus on his depressing new child.

Overall, it wasn't my favorite episode. A bit over-emotional, but at least we get some meaningless sex at the end. Christian proves to Faith that he can definitely perform from behind a woman, and perhaps the saddest scene of all is when Sean tries out Kathleen Turner's new voice on the phone. Don't worry, though. Next week looks pretty exciting.

Tags: Nip/Tuck

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