Songs You Should Know: Blondie - Dreaming

So, I was watching the trailers before Bourne Ultimatum (excellent movie btw) and the trailer to "We Own the Night" comes on (also looks like a winner). So when the title card goes up the disco-esque groove of "Heart of Glass" is in the background. All at once I start smiling and rememebr how much Blondie kicks ass! They were the first group I recognized as iconic when I was younger. I can still imagine the poster with Debbie Harry in a flowing white dress holding a flsh of light while the rest of the band stood behind her in matching suits. Their music was catagoized as a whle lot of things new-wave, punk-ish, disco, what ever you would call it now, I would call it excellent. As soon as the movie was over I dug into the iPod and put together a Blondie playlist that I haven't stopped listening to since. We're almost 30 years past their heydey and their music still holds up. Here's my favorite Blondie song, "Dreaming". Two things I love about this clip. Clem Burke's kickass drums and Debbie Harry's cheekbones. Enjoy, suckas

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Corey + Corey

I threw myself onto a pop-culture grenade for you folks. I watched *two* episodes of "The Two Coreys."

It's been a Corey summer for me. I've been hecka busy with the move to Cali and all, but I took time out to head to Santa Cruz for a 20th anniversary showing of "The Lost Boys," a flick that should be in the TC&M Hall of Fame.

The Coreys didn't show up for the movie, but you can see them on a crappy pseudo-reality show on A&E.

They claim the show is "scripted reality" like "Curb Your Enthusiasm." Yeah, that might work ... if anyone on the show had talent.

I *loved* the Coreys back in the day ... let's just say time, doughnuts and drugs have taken their toll.

Let me sum up every episode for you. Corey Haim acts like a strung-out slob and generally makes an ass of himself. Then he cries when he realizes he doesn't have a life. Corey Feldman bitches and moans about stains on the carpet and is *completely* whipped by his fame-whore, stalker wife. Stalker wife is so bitchy and annoying she makes the Coreys look cool in comparison.

Seriously -- in an hour of television, this wench made my "People Who Need to Die" list. After watching her blubber about her ruined dinner party with the chick from PETA (Haim ordered pepperoni pizza and then put the moves on PETA chick), I wanted Feldman's bitch stuffed, roasted and served with sweet potatoes.

And what was with the photo shoot where she rolled around in her underwear on a desk covered with Corey photos? Creepy.

Skip the show -- watch "The Lost Boys" again.

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The Rant: Transformers

If there's anything you can count on is Hollywood fucking up your childhood. So the last year or so I've been staying away from all the Transformers hype. No AICN, no comicbookmovies.com, nothing. All I knew going into this movie was that Bumblebee was going to be a Camaro instead of a VW BUG, the Optimus Prime would be voiced by the original cartoon voice and that Jazz was going to be one of the Autobots featured in the movie. Okay, first of all, I was a total Transformers junkie. Every day after school it was Transformers, G.I. Joe, and Thundercats. Every day. My first Transformer I ever bought was Jazz, back then he was a Porsche racing car, he was followed by dozens, but Jazz was and always will be my favorite. So my mantra as I was waiting for the movie to start was "Please don't suck".

There are going to be a bunch of spoilers and as usual this is not a review, just some impressions.

From the opening seconds, the fanboy inside of me was pumped. Hearing Optimus Prime narrate the opening set the bar incredibly high. I can honestly say that this movie did not disappoint when it came to providing nostalgic moments. Big props for using the original transforming sound effect from the cartoons. Having a VW Bug smacked my the movie Bumblebee was great. Having Jazz carry on a "black" persona... corny, but appreciated. Devestator's name still has that "Oh Shit!" aura about it. The best nod to the old Transformers was Optimus barking the line "One Shall Stand, One shall fall" I wanted to get out of my seat and start belting out "You've go the touch, you've got the powerrrr YEAH!

Holy crap is Megan Fox smokin'! If I could buy stock in her I would. Man, she's like the second coming of Jennifer Connelly, but with proportionate boobs. Seriously, I could not take my eyes off her yo!

The Bumblebee-Sam duo's characterization surprised me. Glad they made them a little tougher than in the cartoons. In the cartoons, Spike and Bumblebee were 100% cat. Sam loses points though for throwing his friend out of the car so he can give Megan Fox a ride home.

This movie had some unbelievable CGI, but some of the robots were hard to tell apart. At times it seemed a bit much but then again, It's Michael Bay. How he rolls is in slow motion with a setting sun in the background as the music build to a crescendo...yo.

I would have liked to have seen Anthony Anderson used a little bit better. The guys been in some of my favorite movies over the last few years. He should have at least gotten some nookie off the blonde. Oh well, at least he didn't get shot in the head this time.

There were quite a few "Autobots are jerks" moments. Bumblebee pulls off to a makeout point playing "Sexual Healing" . Ironhide nearly kills a Chihuahua. Optimus is a klutz who wrecks Sam's yard. Ratchet says out loud that Sam's wants to mate with the girl. Ratchet "peeing" on John Turturro. They aren't quite Superman level, but those Autobots can be jerks.

There's a scene where Sam finds out that Megan Fox had a a juvie record and he gets all self righteous and betrayed. I call bullshit. He's known her for two days and he wants to act indignant over a secret? Like a juvie record doesn't make her that much hotter? She has Daddy issues and you want to turn her away? Seriously, yo. Bullshit.

Worst moment of the movie: I'm not going to totally spoil it, but if I want to go as Jazz for Halloween this year I'm going to need a buddy to complete the costume. Stupid Megatron! I guess even black robots can't escape the "black guy always dies in science fiction movie" cliche.

The final scene had Sam and Megan Fox canoodling on Bumblebee's hood. Since he's like their pal, isn't that close to being a creepy threesome?

Anyway, I loved this movie and I have high hopes for the Transformers franchise. Still, if hear that Judd Nelson is going to be in the sequel, all bets are off.

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Stumbling Across the Awesome: Hey Love

What you are about to witness is one of the the most influential 90 seconds of my young life. It's a memory that I thought had been lost forever, relegated to references in the movies "Say Anything" or "House Party"

"but I still love technology, always and forever."

Thanks to someone with a VCR and a YouTube account I can relive this nostalgia flavored greatness over and over again until the protagonist takes on a Sisyphusisan nature. One day he will get to borrow that album. Over candlelights and Curvoisier, he will play it with guile for he and his lady friend at the optimal opportunity for seduction. The smooth soul sounds will overwhelm the situation and our hero will then find himself set adrift on memory bliss on the way to Poonany-Land! Alas, we are only left to suffer with the reply, as it is always, "No, my brother you've got to buy your own".

Here's Hey Love : The Commercial

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Stumbling Across the Awesome! - The Best of Soul Train

"...and then Soul Train comes on and then you know it's all over."
-Margaret Cho

I was flipping through channels at halftime of the Ohio State-Memphis State game over the weekend when I caught a glimpse of Soul Train. I had no idea the show was still on so I let it linger. As I listened, I realized it wasn't the latest piece of R and B crap they were grooving too, but it was Jodi Whatley's "Don't You Want Me". Then it hit me. This isn't just Soul Train...it's Soul Train from 20 years ago!

People all over the world...the SOUL TRAIN! Yes, I did actually do the Soul Train call. If you didn't at least think it when you saw the graphic, get out! You're not allowed to read Tortilla Chips and Milk anymore. I mean it LEAVE! Don't click the read more linky!

No come back! I'm sorry. I didn't mean it reader, you know it's just sometimes I get frustated and scared when people don't understand what Don Cornelius means to me...


Okay, I'm placing this show some time around 1987, which was smack dab in the middle of the deadspot in pop culture between the death of breakdancing and right before rap went mainstream. So yeah, fashionwise, everything was kind of a mess. Plus, I'm pretty sure that this was taped in LA and styles back then were more regionalized than they are now. Therefore, the style equation for this blog is Los Angeles + 1987= Pretty fucked up. The only thing you could count on was the hair. Yep, 1987 was THE Jheri Curls heydey!



I'd hate to be next to this guy and get splattered with activator.


I love the look on the girl. "Holy Shit! It's Ricardo Tubbs...from three years ago"


The distinctive hair also carried over to the women...ALL women back then rocked the Aqua Net Big Ass Hair!


It was the late 80's it was all about, big, shiny, and loud...


Who can forget that awesome "Evil Pappa Smurf Craze" that swept the nation? EPS was the BOMB, yo! Ah, fake good times.


Okay. Admittedly, even back then, Soul Train was kind of a joke. I don't remember ever looking to Soul Train for inspiration for style tips. I mean I had Bon Jovi for that. The only reason I ever watched Soul Train was for the music. Back then it was one of the few places rappers would make live appeariances. I loved every lipsynched moment. This week they have one of my favorites: WHODINI!


I can remember back in the day when I was kickin it, sippin on my 40oz. of fermented Capri Sun, before me and my homeboys would go out and get hassled by the Pinkertons, we'd chill and watch Fat Boys and Whodini videos on "Nick Rocks" on Nickelodeon. Word, yo! We wuz hardcore back then. 'Cause that's how the suburban lower case "g" rolls, sucka! I probably knew only ten rappers back then and Whodini was known as "Fool! I already told you they don't sing Roxanne, Roxanne"

Whodini had the classics "Friends", "I'ma Ho" and "The Freaks Come Out at Night". Unfortunately, they didn't perform any of those songs. So ef that here's "Freaks Come Out at Night" where you can catch a young RUN DMC and see an MC rock it hard even a leather jacket, no shirt, and white shorts.



Sadly, The Best of Soul Train is abridged into only a half hour show, so there was no Soul Train Scramble Board. Still the show ended with the one and only Soul Train Dance Line! There should always be a Soul Train Dance Line at any club. Always. Seriously yo! I shit you not my readers, this week's edition of the dance line was set to "So Emotional" by Whitney Houston. So plug that into your head and enjoy!



If you think that that the little sluts of today dress like ho's, keep in mind this is 20 years ago! Still, I miss those hats. Yes, I'm thinking of you right now Debbie Gibson.


Dang, just when I thought the biker shorts days were the greatest thing ever. Sigh


Dance battle! They weren't just for bubble gum acts...


She's got a rockin' neck for a chick!


What pair of kicks should I buy? Nike or Asics? Nike has Michael Jordan, but Asics has these guys...


Mammas don't let your babies grow up to be gay, black, cowboys


Seriously, I got nothing more to say about this one...


The dance line was also a prayer line. "Please free me from the curse of giant moths!"


That's it for now. Until the next time I'm watching non-sports TV on a Saturday afternoon, PEACE, LOVE and SOUL!!!!

soul train

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Endless Love: The Revival?

Okay, what the hell? I finally got to catch my DVR'd episode of Adam Sandler guest hosting the Late Show on CBS last night. So at the end of Sandler and Don Chaedle's segment they bust out the mics and perform a duet of "Endless Love". Now I know Sandler had used this song before for comedic effect in "Happy Gilmore" (Lot's of friends listen to Endless Love in the dark) but this makes three shows in eight days that have featured this song and they all happened to be shows I've recapped here on TC and M! If I had a tag cloud it would have ENDLESS and LOVE in big ass letters. I blame it all on that horrible idea to turn the song into a COLDPLAY remix. Now "Endless Love" in it's true form is back with a vengence. I guess it would be different if this brought back any cool memories involving boobies or something, but it doesn't. All this song does is give me an urge to rollerskate over to the snack bar for a lime Slush Puppy and a corn dog. Stupid Chris Sligh!

Here's the duet from the Late Show:

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Songs You Should Know: Sweep the Leg - No More Kings

Take Mr. Belding of Saved by the Bell, the cast of Karate Kid (yes, almost all of them), references to the Cars, and Raising Arizona and what do you get? How about greatest video EVER!!! I really don't want to spoil anything for you, but if you love the Karate Kid like a good TC and M reader should, you won't be disappointed. First of all the term "Sweep the Leg" is near and dear to my heart and if any phrase deserves canonization into legendary status it's that one. THIR. The video is directed by Johnny Lawrence aka William Zabka, THE greatest teen movie bad guy EVER. Cobra Kai never die. So I only have one thing to say...SCREW YOU MELON!

Here's Sweep the Leg by No More Kings

as for the song? um...it's got a really cool video!

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Top Five Holiday Songs: Bonus!

I gotta agree with Paj on all his picks, but watching those videos made me nostalgic for my favorite holiday song.

I had a roommate in college who listened to a lot of complete drek, and since it was her stereo I had to put up with it. But I gotta give Valerie props for introducing me to the Pogues. Damn near unintelligible Irish punk music ... sometimes it's almost magic. So here's the Pogues with "Fairytale of New York."

Happy holidays, everyone!

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Top Five Holiday Songs: X-MAs Two-fer

Aight, hope y'all had a Merry X-Mas...now on with the countdown.

"Christmas and Hollis" -Run DMC
Question: when y'all get together and sing this at your peeps house. Does everyone just jump in on DMC's "It's Christmas time in Hollis Queens..." part?




Do They Know It's Christmas"-Band Aid

Sorry, but this kicks "We Are the World"'s Huey Lewis and Dan Akroyd singing-ass.

Not only do you have Paul Young singing lead over the likes of Sting and Bono, but you have none of the old school British Rockers like the Stones, Beatles or the Who. This was strictly 2nd gen British invasion and it kicks ass. I can still hear the whining-slash-sqealing of my sister and her friends over the D2 appearances in the video and the oversinging of Simon LeBon's "It's hard but when you're having fun..." Still the best part of this video? KOOL and the M'FN GANG!!! I didn't know they were British! That's right with KATG ...iiiiiit's FRESH! FRESH! this video's fresh, Band Aid's fresh, Christmas is fresh, famines not fresh...

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Top Five Holiday Songs: Hall and Oates Jingle Bell Rock (The Oates Version)

Oates. That was a response I used to give when people asked me who was my favorite singer. Just Oates. THIR. Anyway lets take a trip back to the days when Oates was Mackin' bigger than Michael Jackson.

#4 on the TC and M Holiday Song list is a video I can distinctly remember from the WTBS Night Tracks days before my dumb town got MTV. I think it was 1983 or 1984 and the cheezy 80's was just starting to blossom. This is like a time capsule for what music video was all about in the 80's. Song-based story telling, gratutitous attempts of the singers trying to show off their other talents, and most of all really lame concept and direction. The thing is back then, I loved the song but hated the video and found it unbearable. Watching this video now, I find it hillarious, not for the comedy itself, but for the attempt at comedy and it's failings. If you want proof that Hall and Oates were huge back then, this video is proof. You'd have to have a huge ego to think you could pull this video off. Anyway, Hall and Oates released two versions of this song swapping the lead vocals. They even filmed two different videos to reflect the change. Here's #4 on the TC and M Holiday Music Countdown: Jingle Bell Rock by Hall and Oates (Oates Version)

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MTV turns 25

I've been letting this sit for a week now because I wasn't sure how to tackle this one. I mean I hate what MTV has become and it's fun to bash, but for someone who grew up in a rural small town MTV was THE ONLY outlet for anything outside the mainstream while you were stuck there. Before the Internet and a gazillion cable channels, growing up my options for music were the two shitty top 40 stations and Country music stations. That was it. So to say MTV wasn't influential in shaping my early tastes in music I'd be a big poseur. So yeah I watched a lot of MTV while I was stuck in that small town and pretty much whenever I was stuck in ANY small town. So I'll stay away from the bashing and try to give you some of my MTV highlights. I mean even if I feel that I've outgrown you, it doesn't mean we didn't have some awesome times! So here's Tortilla Chips and Milk's slanted view of MTV's last 25 years. Cue the squiggly lines.
First of all, only half the town got MTV when it first launched, so if I wanted to see the world premier of "Thriller" or "Panama" I had to go to a friends house...oh come on now don't bag on the "Panama" yo, back then Van Halen was the shit!

So yeah, I was deprived every so often of seeing some life changing stuff, like the Duran Duran video with the boobies. I didn't miss everything though. I've mentioned this before, but there was no greater MTV moment than Madonna's "Like a Virgin" performance at the 1984 Video Music Awards. Mix that with pre-teen hormones and that's a memory to last a lifetime. It was when this cabin boy started to become a cabin man. Holy shit that was 22 years ago.


Still, my household was a few years away from being an MTV household. I was a little older and at the time I really didn't care much for the mainstream stuff that they would play. I watched mainly MTV's Closet Classics where they would play a lot of videos from the 60's. I was also a fan of 120 Minutes back then. What was cool about 120 Minutes, was that they would play ANYTHING alternative to top 40 at the time, which meant you could get Siouxie and the Banshees followed by Public Enemy or The Cure followed by the Surf MC's.

It really wasn't until the late 80's that I really became an MTV fan. What really got me hooked on MTV was "Remote Control" the off-beat slacker pop-culture trivia heavy game show, which was more experimental comedy performance piece than anything. You had character driven categories like Adam Sandler's "Stud Boy" and Flip the Laughing Guy who would laugh TV theme songs for the contestants to guess. Also the episode would feel incomplete if you didn't have "Sing Along with Colin" where Colin Quinn would sing off key in his cigarette sanded voice. It really was more like a party rather than a game show. my only regret was that I was too young to get on the show. Here's the intro to Remote Control.


Okay fine, I also watched the show because of the hostess Marisol and later Kari. I always though Marisol was hotter though. My other favorite MTV hotties of the time were VJ's Carolyne Heldman, China Kantner, redhead Julie Brown, not wubba, wubba,wubba, Julie Brown, I'll admit Kennedy had her finer days. Summer Sanders on Sandblast was a hottie as well. I don't think I ever missed an episode. Real World also had it's share of babes. My favorites were Julie and Becky from New York 1, Brynn from Real World Vegas and my all time favorite, Kat from Real World London, who is also in the PLWG Hall of Fame. I've also had a recurring 15 year old argument with a friend of mine who went semi-ballistic when Jon Stewart once introduced Duff as "talented". I think when I see her at New Year's I'll bring it up again. She is too, talented!

With the exception of Remote Control, Yo! MTV Raps as the greatest show ever in MTV history. I think I can speak for a number of suburban/rural hip-hop fans when I say that Fab Five Freddy and later Ed Lover and Dr. Dre when the show went daily, were perfect acessible gateways to rappers back then. The music hadn't crossed over yet and it was abrasive, scary, and just awful if you were whack! Here's a sample of some old school flava.


MTV Unplugged another show on about that time, it had very cool concept at the time, to strip the music down to acoustics. Sure it also begot that Layla bullshit remake and I could live happy without ever seeing L.L. Cool J's coagulated deodorant, again. Speaking of Layla, I was in an Air Guitar contest (performing the CB4 song "Sweat of My Balls") and some asshole did Layla unplugged and sat on a fucking stool with a sawed off broom handle the whole fucking time, he was serious too! What a toolbox! We should given him a Cell Block 4 Gusto beatdown after that. Where was I? Oh yeah, the Nirvana and Pearl Jam sets were probable my favorite Unplugged episodes. I was able to find my personal favorite Unplugged moments, though. The Cure's "Just Like Heaven" because I'll never forget the use of the toy piano. I followed it with De La Soul's "Ring Ring Ring" because that's always the overlooked performance from Yo! Unplugged

...from the soul , De La that is...


The Video Music Awards holds a lot of cool memories for me as well. Here are a few of my favorites, sadly I couldn't find Pee Wee Herman's "Heard any good jokes lately?"

I'll start with my all-time favorite VMA performance. The Red Hot Chili Peppers with "Give it Away". It's just a trip starting with the firecrackers and the onstage pit.

To this DAY I can't believe that "Everybody Hurts" beat out Spike Jonez and the Beasties "Sabotage" for just about every award in 1994. Here's the aftermath if you don't remember.


Um...too many easy jokes for this one...


Here's Triumph and Jennifer Lopez in a classic moment. Man does she look pissed. Whatever happened to J.Lo anyway?


I loooved the Chris Rock era as host. Here's a promo for his first year spooofing the Blair Witch Project. These 30 seconds are more entertaining than the whole flippin movie. It's also probably the last time you'll ever see Method Man, Chris Rock and Jeneane Garafalo share the same screen together.

I was a loyal viewer up until Chris Rock stopped hosting the show. There was nothing cooler than seeing a room full of artists I despised get destroyed by a "top of his game" Chris Rock. Oh yeah Backstreet Boys "We know how this story ends" Here's the clip from 2003 where he ends with a great R. Kelly-Olsen Twins bit.


I won't say much about the Real World, here. I was a fan up until the alpha and omega that is David singing "Come On Be My Baby Tonight." My other favorite Real World Moments were Julie convincing Kevin she was a whore, Anytime Dom was drunk. The episode where Neil bagged Kat and it turned out he had a girlfriend..in London. Cyrus baggin the Masshole chicks. Jason yelling at his off-show girlfriend Timber "I can't believe the way you (let me pause here because I'm a wanna be poet and I have to think of a good phrase with street cred) FRONTED!" The Masshole in Seattle who went psycho over Kira who worked for the show. OF course, Stephen smacking Irene. The blonde earthy chick from Real World Seattle doing a song produced by Sir-Mix-A-Lot. The crazy blonde chick in Real World Hawaii. The GREATEST moment of all time was the make out scene in Real World Chicago that used David's "Come On Be My Baby" tonight as it's back ground music. It was one of those "is that? no way...holy shit, it is...BWAH" moments. I retired from Real World at that very point. Hmmm. Maybe I did have a bit to say.

MTV had its share of great comedy over the years. Ben Stiller's Show was outstanding for it's time. Dennis Leary had a great series of promo spots back in the day. Jon Stewart got his start on MTV. MTV's standup show The Half-Hour Comedy Hour was also the first place I ever saw the aforementioned Chris Rock and Jeneane Garafalo perform. I'm going to save Beavis and Butthead for another time. Special props has to go out to the sketch comedy show the State, which featured two of my favorite sketch characters, Barry and Levon.

special Bonus: Porcupine Racetrack...which just recently was posted. I've been looking for this clip for awhile now. This one's for you Leebs!



Aight, maybe I've been catching a little bit of Sucker-free and Pimp My Ride lately but that's about it. I think my attitude towards modern day MTV is best summed up by one musician's assessment of Cribs. "Why don't they ever show their libraries?"

Aight I'm done, in the immortal words of Ed Lover A B C-YA!

Tags: Music, TV

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Top Five...Fantasy cars when PAJ was a kid

As a disciple of the movie Hi-Fidelity, I sometimes get obsessed with Top 5 lists. I thought I'd finally start this feature in Tortilla Chips and Milk. For the debut of this feature, I'd start out with my Top 5 fantasy cars when I was a kid. Here we go!

5. The 60's TV Batmobile
First of all, the styling is incredibly, campy, retro, and cool at the same time. The exhaust breathes fire and the NoS system is on all the time because the fucker needs parachutes for brakes. Forget all that though, what puts the Batmobile on this list is that it had the most ingenious anti-theft device ever known to man! The Batmobile has a big-ass red button that said "Start". It wasn't actually the ignition button, but instead it activated the ejector seat! So any villain who tried to boost the Batmobile and tried to drive off got their asses sent flyin'! Heh, that's what you get when you try to jack the Batride BEOYTCH!

4. Mr. T's Taxicab from D.C. Cab
In the movie D.C. Cab, T has been tormented by the fact that he can't keep the inner city D.C.'s away from admiring the local drug dealers flash car. He lectures them and tries to chase the kids away and make them stay in school, but it's no use. T's words turn to jibba-jabba against the power of a cool g ride. T's Cab company D.C. Cab becomes prosperous and he pimps his shitty cab into the Mona Lisa of Taxicabs. You can't see it here but he also had a plane that circled his roof light. The second he rolls up to the drug dealers car, the kids all flock to T's Cab as he singlehandedly ends the drug epidemic in Washington D.C. It just goes to show once again that Mr. T has always been for the children.

3. George Jetson's Spaceship
So, it isn't really a car but that didn't stop young Paj from wanting it. First of all it flies. Beat that suckas! Second of all that big-ass spaceship turns into a briefcase and back at the push of a button. If that isn't an invitation to catastrophe I don't know what is. No joke, sometimes I like to imagine that any plot that centers around a briefcase is replaced by George Jetson's briefcase. For example, the scene with Jules, Vince, Brad, and Flock of Seagulls in Pulp Fiction would go something like this: "And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who would attempt to poison and destroy my brothers. And you will know my name is the Lord when I *transforming sounds* MUTHA FUCK!!! Get this MUTHA FUCKIN' Green bubble-ass MUTHA FUCKIN' futuristic flying car the FUCK offa me! " aaaaand scene!

2. Greased Lightnin'
We're talking about the fantasy red version that Danny and Sandy fly away in, not the shitty white version that Balmudo carved up like a sardine can at Thunder Road. Now as I'm typing this, I'm moving my arms as such that if you were sitting to the right of me, my digit would be planted in your ear canal right now. If you need to ask why Greased Lightnin' is on this list, just complete these lyrics: "You know that ain't no shit...", "You are supreme...", "You know that I ain't braggin'..." If you can't complete the lyrics and have never seen the unedited Grease, or listened to the soundtrack, go rent it now ya pansies!

1. The Bandit's Trans-Am
I could see a million Bentleys, Rolls-Royces, and Funkmaster Flex/X-ibit creations, but nothing will ever match the feeling of desire a five-year old PAJ had every time he walked by this car on the way to school. I didn't care about the specs or the performance, all I knew was that it had a big ass firebird decal on the hood, and Burt Reynolds drove it and that's all that fucking mattered. Eastbound and Down, is how I roll, yo!

Tags: Top Five, TV, Movies

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Are you there, Mr. T ? It's me, PAJ! - Mr. T set to star in advice show

From the National Post:
http://www.canada.com/nationalpost/news/story.html?id=9279e3ca-bab1-4e70-ad2b-22d6b05dbab4&k=13569

Mr. T aspires to be Dr. Phil -- without the tears

Rob McKenzie
National Post

Saturday, July 15, 2006

PASADENA, Cal. - "Father, bless this food I'm about to eat and give me strength to grow stronger in love. Father, bless the people who don't have food on their table and bless the people who are less fortunate than myself."

That is what Mr. T says when he prays. He has other prayers for other occasions, but that's the one for mealtime.

Two decades ago, Mr. T fulminated his way to fame as Clubber Lang in Rocky III and subsequently as mohawked mercenary B.A. Baracus on The A-Team. Now 54 years old, he is returning to the airwaves as a self-help guru in I Pity the Fool, that being his catchphrase as Baracus.

He aspires to give Dr. Phil a run for his money, and on that subject observed: "My show ain't no Dr. Phil where people sit around crying [at this point, Mr. T affected a whiny voice], 'What's wrong with me, Dr. Phil? What's wrong with me, Dr. Phil?' You are a fool. That's what's wrong with you."

Similarly, when asked how he would counsel Tony Kornheiser, the Washington Post sportswriter who is afraid of flying but has taken a travel-intensive job in the Monday Night Football broadcast booth, Mr. T said: "Straighten up and stop being a coward. Don't be no fool. Get on that plane and fly, fool, fly."

Perhaps the best question of Mr. T's appearance this week before the Television Critics Association, a question admirable both for its cheek and succinctness, was: "Mr. T, why do you pity the fool?"

"That is a good question. That is a good question and a legitimate question," Mr. T replied. "And I'm the man to answer it. You pity the fool because you don't want to beat up a fool. You know, pity is between sorry and mercy. See, if you pity him, you won't have to beat him up. So that's why I say fools you gotta give another chance because they don't know no better."

Mr. T blusters and improvises -- at various points during Thursday's session, he said the T in his name stands for Tender, Tough, On Time, and Temperature (because he brings the heat); he also opined that "Every superhero is supposed to have a fear. Superman feared kryptonite. Batman feared [pause] Batwoman" - but he also hews to an unreconstructed morality. He worships his mother, and time and again cited her teachings to him. He is grateful to God. He wants people to, in brief, "Do good. Be nice."

After Hurricane Katrina he rid himself of his gold chains because they felt like a sin. Anyway, he said, "The gold is in my heart."

In the snippets of I Pity the Fool shown to critics, Mr. T visits a car dealership in New York where the work atmosphere is poisoned. There is tension between the gruff and ungiving man who runs the place and the son desperate to please him. Mr. T exhorts them to listen to one another, and in the end the son cries as the father says how highly he thinks of him.

And so here is another of Mr. T's favourite prayers: "Lord, when they see me, let them see you. When they hear me, Lord, let them hear you."

- I Pity the Fool premieres on TV Land in the United States on Oct. 11. A TV Land official said the show will run in Canada but details are still being worked out.

Oh Em Gee! I have a new favorite show and I haven't even seen it yet. Maybe if the show does well he can replace his gold for some real platinum bling, yo!

This article does bring about some sadness though, as the whole mystique of the phrase "I pity the fool" has been shattered. I never thought that the phrase was meant, as T claims here, as a gesture of tolerance, benevolence and redemption for those who lacked wisdom. I always took it as a clairvoyant statement of future feelings towards said fool. For example, "I pity the fool, who took T's Capri Sun" would mean I will have great sympathy for the person who took Mr. T's convenient and tasty juice in a pouch. Because after I find who took it, I will give them a monumental ass-stomping and stick the Capri Sun straw of death up his pee-hole. Using the "correct" meaning it would mean that he would identify the fools mistake, reprimand him, and then give him another chance where the fool may or may not cause Mr. T. to go thirsty once again in the future. Not quite as menacing is it? Sigh. I've been using the phrase incorrectly these last 23 years or so. I feel so dumb. Please show pity on this fool.

By the way, did any of you as kids notice that when the old Capri Sun Pouches were really poofy that you could get a buzz off drinking the fermented juice. Yeah...me neither.

At least nothing can take away Mr. T's "Hey, WO-man" speech to Adrian in Rocky III, which is still the greatest callin' out scene ever in a movie. Hmmmm I think I'll just use that phrase in "I pity the fools" stead. I hear that the ho's really dig it when you refer to them as a "WO-man". I guess I owe you thanks once again Mr. T. You're the greatest!

Tags: Pop Culture News, TV

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Miami Vice -Season One DVD set- First Impressions

I love Borders and their easy to get 30% off coupons. So, there I was in Borders with two boxes of DVD's in my hand. In one hand was the History of Dusty Rhodes the "American Dream". In the other hand was Miami Vice Season One. The Dusty Rhodes box had a button you could push on the box to hear a Big Dust 30 second interview, or promo if you weeeellll. I hit that sucker four times in a row before I realized people were staring at me while I was...well who knows what I was doing. I could have been shaking around doing the Dusty walk down the aisle or cocking my bionic elbow. Shit like that happens when I get lost in nostalgia. Try to be around me anytime "My Sharona" comes on in a convenience store. Anyway, there was a sobering moment in Border's when I realized that I'm not twelve...then I kinda got embarrassed. So I did what anyone else would have done. I shoved the Dusty DVD compilation on the shelf, took the Miami Vice Season One set and briskly walked up to the counter.

So now I get 22 episodes of Don Johnson and Phillip Michael Thomas! Now I watched Miami Vice when I was a kid, but I wasn't a geek for it. Plus, like everyone back then, I had that one friend who took Miami Vice waaaaaaay too seriously. When you have a friend like that, you DON'T want to be that friend. He's the one who talks you into an aquamarine Ghostbusters shirt rather than a black one. He's also the guy who keeps telling you to mousse your hair. So no, I didn't do the pastels and white suits with the pants tacked. Plus, I was like 12, dressing like that would have been really really dumb. Besides none of that would have gone with my red leather jacket with the 26 zippers...joking. So here is my last chance to see Crockett and Tubbs before they turn into these guys.

Now, I just got this over the weekend so I haven't seen the whole season, but I did make it through both sides of the first of three DVD's. Here are my early impressions:

First of all, I may not have realized it back then, but there is no cooler television character than Sonny Crockett. This guy RULES!!! His job is having Miami drug dealers believe that he is one of them. Now to put this in perspective, imagine you had to convince people in Texas that you were a cowboy, Californians that you were a movie produce, or New Yorkers to believe you were an asshole. You'd have to go pretty fucking far. So he gets the "life" handed to him on house money, including Ferarri Daytona, Cigarette boat, and all the Armani he needs. The first couple of episodes show him juggling reconciliation with his ex-wife, while he bangs away at Gina, the hot Latina cop. Oh yeah he also has a pet alligator named "Elvis" too.

The main thing is that makes Crockett so cool is that Tubbs is such an unintentional cheeseball dork. I hope they rewrite the part of Tubbs for the movie, because I don't think the trying, but failing to be hip, second fiddle is going to wear well with Jamie Foxx. I hate that fake ass Jamaican accent he speaks with when he's under cover, I hate his "hey mamma" look that he gives anyone who walks by in a swim suit. I especially hate the scene in the Pilot where he's sitting the foot of the stage lipsynching to "Somebody's Watching Me" to a stripper...who the hell does that?

My favorite thing so far about the show...the nightclub scenes!!! I can't put into words how awfully dated this is when you have scenes of people dancing in the clubs. It's just headbands and glitter...it's so filled with arms flailing...I can't do it, you just need to see it for yourselves.

Seeing Al Bundy from Married with Children play a possible rouge federal agent was one of the greatest things ever. One thing I loved about Miami Vice were the guest appearances. I just saw Dennis Farina play a bookie!!!

There is no one harder than my man, Lt. Castillo. I'm working on his deathstare, seriously you won't be able to look me in the eye without feeling two foot small when I'm done. I can't believe this is the same guy who taught all those cholos math. I might have to buy season two for the episode where it turns out he was a ninja.

Oh yeah, if you watch an episode and think it looks a lot like most of the cop shows now with their use of music and the pacing...you're right on, since every action drama in existence today is in some form derivative of what went on in Miami Vice. Whether, it's the use of music, the inventive camera angles, or the spare dialogue, this show technically led a revolution mofos.
Here's a sample:

Tags: Rent It, Miami Vice, TV

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Me and my iPod bored at work

My longtime friend JP and I were both TV kids so we remember the glorious time in our lives when we couldn't do anything else on Friday night but watch TV from a choice of four flippin channels. Anyway while reminiscing we came up with what is called the The Incredible Hulk-Dukes of Hazzard Effect. It's used to describe the mood swing from being anywhere from mildly melancholy/downright sad to pleased/extremely giddy for no apparent reason other than a change to your immediate surroundings.

Confused? Let's examine. Remember the Incredible Hulk show? Every week Bill Bixby would go to a new town start to form roots occasionally tapping a local, then he would turn into a big huge monster he has no control over and wreck the shit out the new place and then he'd have to leave. (OMG this is starting to sound like an allegory to my life cue the sadness early) Then you'd see Bill Bixby wearing tattered clothes walking down the road alone. To add to his misery he was forced to hitchhike which meant instantaneous death to any kid who watched Public Service Announcements. So you'd see him as the credits rolled and then the saddest piano music ever invented ("The Lonely Man Theme") would start playing. Since I was 8 years old that has been the television embodiment of sadness. Hearing this first notes which you can sample here breaks my tears out of eyejail.

Okay then you wait two minutes for commercials then you hear that rollicking music and the whiskey smooth voice of Waylon Jennings then you see that orange Dodge Charger with the doors welded shut spitting up dust. Fuck Bill Bixby it's Bo and Luke time baby! Dukes of Hazzard =Happiness.

What does this have to do with anything? I've just been recreating this effect since lunch. Sad to Happy, Sad to Happy, all thanks to my on-the-go playlist. Next up...Smooth music...

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