In an effort to keep all of my interests from co-mingling, I've made another blog at The Fake Sports Sketch Comedy Show.It's my running view of the sports world as sketch comedy in an SNL - Mr. Show, The State vein. Yes, I didn't list Monty Python's Flying Circus. I was never really a fan.
And yes, I do manage to center the meat of the 1st segment around two seperate dick jokes.
Well, it looks like Michael Vick is going to be headed for the hoosegow soon. He's agreed to plead guilty to federal charges stemming from a dogfighting ring.
Thing looked bleak for Vick once his co-defendants all slowly decided to accept plea bargains which would also include testimony implicating Vick's involvement Bad Newz Kennels. (Yeah, I thought it was strange too that they would use a "Z" in news but not in kennels.) So with three of his buddies lined up to snitch, it was just a matter of time before Vick caved.
Okay, to lose fame, a 130 million dollar contract, and tens of millions a year in endorsements, is one thing. To lose it all to crime as low on the "menace to society" totem pole as dogfighting is another. To lose everything in such a manner, because your childhood buddies turned on you, is a tragedy.
The tragedy lies here: Either Michael Vick is the dumbest "kingpin" ever or he's the biggest prick that ever lived. The argument for Vick being the dumbest criminal starts and ends with this. He had a 130 million contract, 22 million which was in an upfront signing bonus. He chose to do illegal shit, which happens, but there's a reason you don't see multi-millionaires going to jail all the time. It's called "Yo, shut the fuck up!" money. Do you think three people named "Q", "P-Funk", and "T" would have flipped on him so quickly if they knew they'd have a million or two waiting for them when they got outside? I mean shit! Doesn't he know how mulit-millionaire criminals roll?
Okay, so what if he did have some "Yo, shut the fuck up!" money? How big of an asshole do you have to be for three of your homeboys to say "Naw man fuck that money, he was always a punk ass." I mean, I'm a pretty much a jerk to my friends, but if I slipped them a hundy they wouldn't say shit about that copy of Spiderman 3, er hypothetically, of course. Vick should have been worth millions to those guys and they still snitched. For that to happen, Vick might be the ultimate codpiece.
I've been doing a lot of thinking while following Barry Bond’s record home run chase. Amidst the allegations of his past steroid use and people clamoring for his record to be blemished with an asterix, I gave a significant amount of reflection about how I feel about the morality of it all. Trying my best to put my Yay Area loyalty aside, I came to this conclusion. I'm perfectly fine with it. Why? Because the second you put on a baseball uniform, you are taught, if not encouraged, to cheat. Here are some examples all of which occurred before I was 11.
My first year of little league and we're doing drills to learn to slide properly. I was taught that a proper slide also includes kicking an infielder's glove in hopes that the ball pops out.
I was also taught that if you’re a catcher, and you get a pitch that just misses the strike zone, move your glove as you catch it so you might trick an umpire into calling it a strike. My teacher for that one was Johnny Bench, host of the Baseball Bunch, a nationally syndicated TV show.
The movie the Bad News Bears showed us all as kids that putting Vaseline under your cap and rubbing it on the baseball can give even a pre-pubescent Tatum O'Neal a wicked breaking ball.
This is all stuff we learned during the Little League years and it's all technically cheating. This was all in the pursuit of a kid’s game for fun. Now throw in the millions of dollars and the fame that comes with success at the professional level and combine it with the cheating that the culture of baseball precipitates and you bring us to where we are today. The game of baseball will always have its cheaters. It's up to the institution of baseball itself to take care of that problem. The baseball powers that be turned a blind eye to steroids for a generation so I feel the disgust should go towards them, not the players. So when something like this comes up in life, it all goes back to a cheesy-ass trucker hat a friend of mine once wore. It read, "Don't hate the Playa, Hate the Game"
Aight suckas! We're coming at you from the fourth quarter of Game Six of the Golden State Warriors - Dallas Mavericks series. I first fell in love with the NBA watching a New York Knick - Detroit Piston series where Bernard King and Isaiah Thomas went head to head for five sublime games. This year's Dallas vs. Golden State series reminds me why I love the NBA more than any other sport. The previous five games have just been so full of wonderful drama that it's all I've been able to think about. Now Golden State hasn't been a decent team since MC Hammer was 2 Legit 2 Quit and since then their fortunes have been about the same. Those years happened to overlap my Yay area residence and I won't front, The Warriors aren't my favorite NBA team. The fact is though, I've seen the Warriors live more than I have any other NBA team and I've seen more televised Warrior games than any other team ( though the shitty Lakers are closing in on that one) and that Sports Channel subscription wasn't free neither. As I pointed out a few days ago I also have more Warriors apparel than any other So yeah my love of the Bay Area and the NBA have combined to make this a memorable one for me. To be honest I wanted to do a live blog through the entire game but I was way to busy shitting myself. It's been that intense.
Start of the 4th Quarter GSW-86 Dal 63
Well only two ways for this game to end. The biggest playoff upset ever or the biggest choke job ever. Both teams are coming out firing. Baron Davis (Boom Dizzle) is pulling out an incredible effort, playing with a pulled hamstring rolling like Willis Reed and Isaiah Thomas. Dirk just hit a shot which doubled his field goals for the game at TWO. M-V-P!
You know what with 6 minutes left and the Warriors up by over 24. I'm just gonna soak this in. It's going to be one big standing ovation. I'm gonna just watch and worry about Stephen Jackson's court appearance later cause right now he's the King of the Yay. History, Suckas!
This was the year I was going to give up watching wrestling. After the fake Rosie v. fake Donald fiasco a few months ago, I was done. Something happened though which I thought I'd never see again. The WWE actually built up compelling old-fashioned wrestling story lines to build the matches other than the Trump and McMahon hair vs. hair challenge. Everything else was laid out so well I could ignore the whole Donald vs. Vince mess.
The main event will see John Cena wrestle Shawn Michaels where it's all about the championship, nothing else, which is how it should be. In the co-main event Batista takes on the Undertaker in a fascinating match because according to the wrestling news outlets, the plan was for Batista to end Undertaker's Wrestlemania unbeaten streak. After the build up it seems like that's not going to be the case. Will there be a passing of the torch? The Money in the Bank ladder match promises to produce the next champion from the winner of this match sometime in the following year. The New Breed vs ECW Originals is probably the swan song for the true ECW era. Still I never thought I'd ever see guys like Tommy Dreamer and the Sandman 10 years after ECW's peak even sniffing a Wrestlemania. So here goes a live blog, cause that's how the TC and M rolls, suckas!
We cut into Ford Field in Detroit the crowd is announced at over 80,000 Aretha Franklin plays and sings "America the Beautiful" on the piano. Aretha got a choir waiting in the wings but they shoulda stayed their asses home, she's got this...
They open with an amalgam of the "All Grown Up" promos and which did an awesome job in building up this show as a legit event. You've got to give it up to the WWE they really know how to build the anticipation . It's much more effective than using the Pussycat Dolls for hyping up the NBA game of the week.
The King and J.R. kick off the show and the King touts that there are more people in Ford Field for tonight's event than there were for the Super Bowl. Well duh, the ring is smaller than a football field.
Money in the Bank Match
Holy crap! We're starting out with the Money in the Bank ladder match featuring The Hardys- Matt and Jeff, King Booker, Fit Finlay, C.M. Punk, Edge, Randy Orton, and my favorite Mr. Kennedy. Kennedy! The last high profile ladder match on a WWE PPV, Joey Mercury had his face smashed like a watermelon ina botched ladder spot. I'm excited to see what they pull out, but I never want to see anything like that again.
Interesting, they are letting the prospective announce teams build up their own "brand's" superstars. Smackdown guys are hyped by JBL and Cole, Joey and Taz had the mic for C.M. Punk and JR and King introduce Edge and Randy Orton. Kinda like a six man booth. The producers are gonna have a tough time keeping them from talking over each other I'd bet.
C.M. Punk is the first one busted open just two minutes in the match...so far they aren't keeping more than four of the eight men in the ring at once...oh man, they tease the same fulcrum spot that smashed Joey Mercury's face in, not cool...Kennedy takes the first nasty bump when he missed the Ken-ton bomb and hit all ladder...we get Hardy on Hardy action early, at the top of the ladder...Edge almost speared the field ...C.M. Punk does the old Terry Funk whirlybird ladder spot, heh...Edge does the first off-the-ladder-to-the-floor spill...Oh my god Jeff Hardy climbed the top of the ladder and did a legdrop on Edge who was draped across the ring apron breaking the ladder underneath, absolutely sick...
Edge is stretchered out...now Orton runs off three RKO's...C.M Punk gets the RKO off the ladder...looks like they are gonna weed out the field by stretchering them out...now Booker gives Orton the bookend off the ladder...Booker gives up the briefcase to save Queen Sharmell, chump...Matt Hardy gets a Celtic Cross on the ladder from Finlay...now we get the midget, I take it back, I hate wrestling! Kennedy meets the midget at the top of the ladder and gives the leprechaun the Green Bay Plunge off the ladder.
Kennedy smashes Punk in the face with the ladder and grabs the briefcase for the win. Mr. Kennedy is now Mr. Money in the Bank. Bank!
Good match, but there wasn't a definitive "Holy Shit!" spot. Shelton Benjamin was missed here. I'm glad Kennedy won, it should make for interesting times on Smackdown.
Kane vs Kali
Smoke break time! Hopefully it'll be over when I get back...it's not which sucks...Kane did slam Kali which was a first, nobody really cares though...Kane gets the tree slam shortly after...Kali covered him with his foot. Kane did what he could, but this match was teh suxors.
Kali grabs Kane's chain and chokes him out. This just means we'll get more Kali in the future. Total waste of time.
Backstage we see Eugene Cryme Tyme, Extreme Expose, and Mae Young and Moolah and the SLICKSTER!!! The Doctor of Style!!! 
I love wrestling again! They're doing a dance off in the back! Here comes Dusty Rhodes! Jimmy Hart! Irwin R. Shyster! Ricky the Dragon Steamboat!
Ron Simmons closes it with "Damn!" They made something out of nothing and turned it into a lot of fun.
Man, I miss Slick. If the Doctor of Style was before your time, here's a sample of just how awesome he was. Watch this clip of "Jive Soul Bro". You won't regret it. I wouldn't lie to y'all, 'cause honest-ay is the best polic-ay!Seeing the Twin Towers, Big Bossman and Akeem, the African Dream strut to the ring to that song was a sight to behold
United States Heavyweight Title Match: MVP v. Chris Benoit (Champion)
MVP comes out with a squad of cheerleaders. This is the guy who Benoit had beaten in less than five minutes in a series of matches less than a year ago. I don't know if I've ever seen him win an actual match. His opponent Chris Benoit is one of my favorite wrestlers and this should be interesting. Benoit is rumored to be going to RAW after this so he might do the job tonight.
Looks like Benoit is going to put MVP over tonight, giving a lot of technical exchanges to his opponent. Benoit is making MVP look like a champ so far...MVP does belly to back suplex with Benoit's arm behind his back, that's new...Cole and JBL are hyping MVP's technical skill, this may be Benoit's crowning achievement as a wrestler, making MVP look like top notch talent...hmm, Benoit hits the swan dive and pulls it out.
Well, I guess you can put the MVP push on hold.
Trump does a backstage skit with the Boogeyman. I hate wrestling.
The Fink is out to introduce this year's Hall of Fame inductees. Jim Ross, Nick Bockwinkle, Curt Henning, Mr. Fuji, Afa and Sika the Wild Samoans, The Sheik, Jerry Lawler and Dusty Rhodes. Very touching moment and a nice break in the action. Small note on the H of F inductions last night. One hour was way too short. Now I'm gonna have to shell out money for the full length DVD. Haters!
World Heavyweight Title Match: The Undertaker vs. Batista (Champion)
The Undertaker and Batista is up next. Man, that's early in the show, for both a World Title Match and a match featuring the longest running star in the WWE, the Undertaker. I expect them to put on a hell of a show because of this. Maybe Batista will look halfway decent in this match. I'm betting the streak stays intact to Batista, but if it were me I'd send Kennedy into the ring right after to cash in. In.
Undertaker has a spectacular entrance to Gregorian chants and at least 20 torch bearing druids. IT sure beats his entrance to Limp Bizkit's "Rollin". He comes out ols-school Taker style with the hat and trench coat. Man, I hope the producer's of HBO's soon to be "Preacher" series is watching this. Undertaker would make a perfect Saint of Killers. He's got his game face on and I love that they are treating the 14 match Wrestlemania winning streak as something important in a sporting sense.
The match starts out as a hard hitting brawl...it's one sided Batista so far, he even hits a shoulder block off the top rope. Batista looks better than he ever has...crowd is almost all Undertaker...Taker pulls out Old School early and hits it, good back and forth so far...Taker does a SICK guillotine legdrop with Batista hanging off the apron. Undertaker follows it up with PLANCHA!
They've definitely turned it up for tonight, which is all you can ask for as a fan...our first table spot of the night has Batista giving Taker a stampede powerslam off one table to another... whoa
Taker hits the Last Ride and the crowd explodes, just gets a two count, Batista responds with a spinebuster, Undertaker rises up, Taker hits the chokeslam, two count only, Batista with a Batista Bomb, Taker kicks out! Taker hits the tombstone! R.I.P. Batista! Taker wins. This was the first match that really felt like a Mania Match and hell it delivered. We're only at the halfway point of the show. The streak lives! Hell of a match.
Eight Man Tag Match The New Breed (Marquis Cor Von, Elijah Burke, Matt Stryker, Kevin Thorne) vs. The ECE Originals (Rob Van Dam, Sabu, Sandman, Tommy Dreamer)
The ECW tag match is up next. The ECW originals all spill out of the crowd. I can only imagine what this crowd would be like if Sandman was allowed to do his "Enter Sandman" entrance. Not looking forward to seeing this one...the crowd is kinda dead for this as well...three minutes in and no weapons, this isn't the ECW I knew and loved...hot tag to RVD, I forgot how talented this guy is...5 Star Frog Splash! Originals win!!! I didn't see that coming. I am genuinely happy to see this. Tommy Dreamer has tears in his eyes. 
It's surreal seeing Sabu, RVD, Tommy Dreamer and Sandman celebrating in the ring. The WWE chose not to piss on the old time fans of another organization and I couldn't be more psyched! I love wrestling again!
Hair vs. Hair Match Bobby Lashley (representing Donald Trump) vs. Umaga (representing Vince McMahon
Now for the special attraction match. Vince v. Donald, Umaga v. Bobby Lashley. I love the fact that they have Trump as the baby face in this match, but it's Trump that the people want to see lose. I mean McMahon has had everything done to him that you could imagine from being beaten within an inch of his life last year down to peeing in his pants. Seeing Vince humiliated just isn't a big deal. Plus as far as hair vs. hair matches go, I was more excited when "#1" Paul Jones put up his hair against the hair of Boogie Woogie Man Jimmy Valiant's old lady Big Mama. Chanting "Bald Headed Geek" at that old Great American Bash ruled!
Armando doesn't get to do his intro. Boo. Trump enters to, nothing really. He does make it rain like Pac Man Jones, though. I think this could be one of those rare matches where the crowd wishes that both sides would lose. The only guy who gets a pop is special referee Steve Austin. Makes you wonder about what the real drawing power of this match.
This match is a snoozer...five minutes in not much until Umaga hits Stone Cold with a Samoan Spike, that was dumb...Shane McMahon attacks Lashley, even dumber...Shane hits trashcan Van Terminator coast to coast dropkick. Shane puts a referee shirt, Umaga hits a splash, Stone Cold pulls Shane out at two only to get another Samoan Spike, what a clusterfuck...Trump's has had enough and mounts Vince...Stone Cold ducks a third spike hits Umaga with a stunner, Lashley follows with a spear and it's so long Umaga. Lots of dragging out of the actual shaving...snore
After Vince leaves, Austin stunned teh Donald!!! Trump didn't sell it all that well though he was up pretty soon afterwards. I hate celebrity wrestling matches.
WWE Women's Title Match: Ashley vs. Melena (Champion)
Diva match before the main event. It's a "lumber-jill" match. See a lumberjack match is where they have wrestlers surround the ring keeping the participants from escaping. Since all the participants are female...I hate wrestling again.
Melena does a giant swing!
Melena also gets the duke with a Bob Backlund-esque saddleblock with a bridge. Lumberjill catfight!
It's a nothing match but it was short and better than Kali v. Kane.
Main Event WWE Tile Match: Shawn Michaels vs. John Cena (Champion)
Wow, after an impressive montage intro the match has more big match feel than the last 10 boxing PPVs I've ordered. This is reminiscent of the Ultimate Warrior vs. Hulk Hogan build up where it's anyone's match to win between two fan favorites. I love it I can suspend disbelief for the next half hour plus and treat this like sports.
Michaels' entrance is rather pedestrian, nothing like his zip line entrance against Bret Hart. Cena on the other hand comes in from outside the building in a Ford Mustang breaking through the arena glass. 
He gets enough boos to make it audible. We also get an attempted Wrestlemania streaker who is dispatched, ignored and side stepped by the announcers.
Five minutes in Cena hits a big clothesline and is greeted with deep seated Boos. Definitely a Shawn Michaels crowd...Holy crap, Michaels hits a moonsault plancha and pins Cena's back against the table, Cena looks like J.T. Smith in the old ECW intros. The human back wasn't meant to bend that way...Cena is selling a knee injury...ten minutes in the match and it's all Michaels, he's working the leg like Ric Flair...this match is turning into an old school NWA match and it's awesome...Cena is making a comeback at it is raining boos, Michaels is busted up. "You Can't See Me" is also booed...we get a ref bump as Cena ducks sweet chin music. They should have kept this match free of this stuff. Michaels counters an F.U with a DDT...Michaels gives Cena a piledriver on the steel steps! Ref is still out and Cena has a gash in his scalp. Substitute ref comes in and Cena kicks out. Michaels hits the flying forearm, kip up and hits the flying elbow. Tuning up the band...Cena cuts off sweet chin music with a clothesline...Cena after two attempts finally hits the F.U. KICKOUT! Some great exchanges and an STFU is escaped...Michaels hits the superkick. KICKOUT!STFU in the middle of the ring out of nowhere!
Shawn taps!!! Oh man what a hell of a wrestling match. I love wrestling again!
First of all I'd like to send out a Happy Birthday to my old buddy Pat...let that sink in for a second. Yeah, I always thought that was pretty cool too.
I'm starting out at Halftime of Xavier vs THE Ohio St. University. Lots of storylines here. The OSU coach, Thad Matta, left Xavier after promising he would stay. He was replaced at Xavier by his best friend. Xavier fans have been claiming that OSU has been ducking them for 23 years as the two Ohio schools are less than two hours apart. Xavier also is probably the only team that wanted to play OSU heading into the tournament. It's better than most WWE angles. As someone who hates the Big Ten and a former Cin-town resident I'm definitely rooting for Xavier.
11:19 Xavier comes out swinging after the break and leads 30-29. Of course, the second I start this diary thingy, I have the overwhelming urge to poop. Be right back.
11:33 We're tied at 35. It's weird watching this game played at Rupp Arena. This game is missing something. Oh yeah, half the fans aren't suicidal.
11:38 Greatest 30 yr old freshman ever Greg Oden finishes a fast break and looks really awkward during the fall. 
I gasp for a second. It looks the type of fall where he could have smashed a wrist. He's okay though. He didn't break a hip or anything.
11:41 I really don't get the Kevin Bacon and Michael Jordan Haynes commercial. 
There's quite a disparity on the fame meter there. Maybe it's just because Kevin Bacon doesn't yell "Let's DANNNNNCE" while his head shakes violently.
11:46 Oden is still on the court with three fouls with 9:08 to play. I think that's going to soften up OSU's D and Xavier has a chance to get on a run. I'd always defer to giving him a few minutes on the bench and send someone in who can keep the intensity up on defense
11:49 Man the place is starting to rock and the announcers are getting excited. it's 52-44 Xavier. Xavier is abusing OSU zone which is designed to protect 3 foul Oden.
11:53 Xavier's Lavender hits a fall away last second three and Xavier is up 11. I really smell upset here. Of course I said the same thing with the Texas A and M Corpus Cristi game which they ended up losing to Wisconsin by 13.
11:56 Oden picks up his fourth foul with 5 minutes to go. If he had been taken out earlier he would have been able to play these last five minutes with two fouls to give. Matta is leaving him in. It doesn't look good for THE Ohio State.
12:07 Ohio State has this sequence parking lot three-steal-lay up for a traditional three point play in the span of 30 seconds. The nine point lead is now 59-58. Gus Johnson, may have a heart attack if this comes down to the last shot.
12:09 Oden misses one of two at the line...it's Xavier by two. Xavier calls time out with 43 seconds left. I have to stand up to watch this. This is why the March Madness kicks the Super Bowl's ass.
12:12 Apparently the referees left early. I counted 87 fouls on both sides in the last 20 seconds and in a scrum Xavier ends up at the line with a two point lead with 9.3 seconds left.
Applebee's commercials aren't annoying this year...there goes half my material.
12:15 Xavier missed a free throw that could have put it out of reach.
Holy Crap! OSU's Ron Lewis hits a 3 pointer with 2 seconds left to tie. 
Gus Johnson lets out a satisfactory "Heeehh HAAAAAHH" which I want as my ringtone. Oden has fouled out but OSU has a ton of momentum.
12:19 Mike Conley Jr. scores an immediate seven points and OSU is up by 5. Two fiddy remaining.
12:22 All-American Center fouls out and somehow Xavier is still soft on perimeter D. OSU hits a three and leads by 8.
12:28 Ohio State is up by nine with 29 seconds left. This is the type of win that OSU can take to the Final Four. Helluva game.
The Louisville-Texas A and M game is next. I'm gonna abstain from comment here. I might pop in with updates throughout the day.
Sunday night I was sitting through a pretty good New Year's Revolution PPV when out of nowhere Vince McMahon starts rambling about the feud between Donald and Rosie and how he'd love to have them settle their differences on RAW. I ignored it, but I guess everything in the WWE everything has a purpose, except of course when it comes to creating logical programs, new stars, and feuds that people want to pay to see. So here we are Monday Night Raw featuring Donald Trump "The Brash Billionaire" vs. Rosie O'Donnell "The Left-Leaning Lesbian". Yes, they actually used those terms. TV God are you there? It's me, Paj. Please let a lightening storm hit the transmitter so this doesn't air. No suck luck. So live from St. Louis, the former home of wrestling that was so sports-like that Bob Costas used to cover it, it's this bullshit.
We get our first look at "Rosie" and it's a bad lookalike. Probably an independent female wrestler who is gonna get the biggest payday of her life. So it looks like we're going the parody route here. Let's see...with Rosie there's the fat thing, the lesbian thing, the opinionated liberal thing, maybe they'll take the high road a little here and stick to the opinionated liberal thing. That's enough to get fans in the Midwest riled up it's a loud mouthed, female, liberal,New Yorker, right? Ugh, it turns out one of the items in Fake-Rosie's rider was a Carvel Fudgie the Whale Ice Cream Cake. 'Cause she's fat. And she likes fudge. Fat. Fudge. Guffaw! 
Oh yeah, don't forget that she's fat and a lesbian. So here she is holding an ice cream sandwich and she's going to head into the WWE Divas' locker room. Ice cream AND fitness models. Fat AND lesbian. HAHAHA I can't stand it. She's a fat lesbian! I have pee pants now! 'Cause real life Rosie is fat and she's a lesbian! Kill. Me. Now. 
Let's see, two fat jokes one lesbian joke. Oh here's the second lesbian joke. Fake Rosie checks out Maria while she's bent over. LESBIAN! Real life Rosie is a lesbian! Lesbians = Hillarity!
Okay now it's Donald Trump's turn for the WWE junior lampooning. Sure he's hosted two WrestleMania's, but this is comedy right? All's fair, yo. Let's see...there's the Ivana thing, the Marla thing, the possibly not a real billionaire thing, the shitty reality show thing, the huckster thing. Lots of targets. WWE decides to go with the...bad hair thing? That's it. Bad Hair. It's not even implied that it's a hairpiece just heavily hair sprayed hair. That's it. Hmm. If one of these two were possibly negotiating to be part of an upcoming wrestling extravaganza such as WrestleMania, which one would you guess? 
On to match time! Vince McMahon actually uses the phrase "Double Chin Diva" and "Lesbionic Fury" in Fake Rosie's introduction. Ya know, just in case we forgot that she's fat and lesbian. Her entrance music is this frumpy sounding tuba music and the Titantron shows a montage of very unflattering pictures. 
Donald Trump on the other hand gets the WWE Superstar treatment with the graphics and the press release quality photos. He also gets the Money Money Money, MOH-NAY song from the Apprentice. The Apprentice also gets a plug as Jim Ross let's us know that he's a fan of the show. You can bet on wrestling by the way, and I regret not having the foresight to bet on this match. 
Now I've endured lots of horrible, intelligence-defaming, sights as a lifelong wrestling fan. I've sat through the Ding Dongs, a wrestler dressed like Freddy Krueger who scared the bad guys, a black wrestler named G.I. Bro, a Judy Bagwell on a pole match, an old lady who gave birth to a plastic hand, a "fat chick" thriller, David Arquette as World Champion, the Gobbledy Gooker, the American Males, Lex Luger wearing FUBU, Konnan's rap videos...I've sat through alot and not once was I ever not proud to be a wrestling fan. I'm this close...
The look a likes are obviously trained wrestlers and they put on a basic monster vs. smaller guy match. Rosie has the size advantage so she starts the match pushing Donald to the mat and mounting him with punches. They don't attribute that to the lesbian thing. She didn't try to fist him either, which is the joke I would have gone for. Donald get the upper hand though with head butts because apparently his hair is like a helmet, because it's got so much hairspray in it. Hear that clicking sound? That's the sound of Trump's legal department preparing complaints. Bad hair. BURN! Donald tries to lifter hut falls back. Because...sigh...
Now for those of you who have a low opinion of pro-wrestling/sports entertainment fans, you must know the live crowd is pretty pissed off about this. Chants such as "This match sucks", "Boring", "We want wrestling" were audibly noticeable. There was even a call for the WWE's competitor as a spirited "TNA" chant started as well. Back to the match...
Since Fake Donald can't put Fake Rosie away with a body slam he get the next best thing. Fudgie. 
Yes fatty fat fake Rosie had to bring her cake to ringside which makes no sense because if she were as fat and lesbian as they made her out to be, Fudgie would be history by now. Fake Rosie gets a pretty mean shot of Fudgie to the face.
Fake Donald follows it up with a main event worthy swan dive hair butt for the win.
I really don't know what say anymore. Fake Rosie's picture pretty might as well be a picture of my soul right now. There was still an hour of Raw to air. I heard Team RKO and Shawn Michaels had a great promo segment and John Cena wrestled in the main event. I wouldn't know. I turned the channel.
USA Today is reporting that Michael Jordan and his wife Juanita have divorced after 17 years of marraige. Now NBA All-Star Weekend is in Las Vegas and is less than two months away. The most famous basketball player alive today is now single. Think about that for a sec. I've never wanted to be in an entourage, but I think I'd sacrifice years off my life to hang with Jordan and Charles Oakley that weekend. You gotta think that there's some great potential for legendary groupie one-upmanship. Is Mike gonna stroll into Rain or Tao and lay down the Larry Bird three point contest speech "I want all of you to know I am winning this thing. Who's playing for second (place)?". Will there ever be a greater collection of opprotunistic snatch in one city? What are the trickle down possibilities? I gotta keep an eye on this one. Suckas gots ta know.
It's the WWE Thanksgiving weekend tradition where "teams of five strive to survive!" Well that's how it started back in 1986, it strayed from the format, but for the 20th anniversary of the Survivor Series ,we're back where we started with "traditional" elimination style tag-team matches. Now I love the team gimmick and I love even more the team style atmosphere in the buildup, where the teams usually have a collective name influenced by the team captain. In the past this has given us Roddy Piper's "Rowdy's Rowdies" Jake the Snake's "Vipers", Mr. Perfect's "Perfect Team" and Rick Rude's "Rude Brood" I just like cheesy fun like that, 'cause...I just do, okay? Okay WWE, I haven't paid per view in a while, don't let me down suckas...
We're from Philadelphia tonight, which means any ECW alum will be cheered, John Cena will be booed, and one of the heels (bad guys) will make a Donovan McNabb joke.
5:05 WHOOO!!! Ric Flair's Legend's team is introduced. He's teamed with Sgt. Slaughter, Dusty Rhodes, and Ron Simmons. Thank God, Dusty is wearing a shirt. I could live 100 years without having to see Dusty's purple splotch. Jerry "The King" says that you can't look at the American Dream without wanting to talk like him. Word! On those special drunken evenings I break out my Dusty Whothes imperthonashun, if you weel. Okay, I'll be good. "The Enforcer" Arn Anderson is in the Legends' corner. The Arn Anderson who is most famous for being one of Ric Flair's henchmen in beating down Dusty Rhodes. Now if wrestling were real , and you're Dusty Rhodes, wouldn't you hold even a teeny grudge against these guys? I mean those three have a bloody history which includes a broken leg! One time, Arn and Ric Flair tied Dusty to a pickup truck and beat his arm with a shovel! How do you reconcile this if you're Dusty? Heh, Dusty has a suspicious look on his face, totally in character. Now that's a pro! Anyway, I love Arn Anderson, part of deciding to buy the show was to see Arn have one last great moment in the spotlight. I can't wait!
They'll be going against the Spirit Squad. Male Cheerleaders. They are so terrible they don;t even get last names. It's just Johnny, Micky, Mitch, Nicky, and Kenny (I Think).
5:10 Ron Simmons is counted out. He gives Mitch a Sidewalk slam before he leaves. What a bad sport. The referee is also sending Arn Anderson to the back for throwing Mitch into the ring post! BOOOO!!! I get five minutes of Double A? That's it? A small portion of the crowd chants bullshit or maybe that's just me.
5:14 Slaughter hits the Slaughter Cannon and the Cobra Clutch on Nicky. Johnny kicks him in the head while the ref was distracted by Dusty. Sarge is pinned.
5:15 Dusty hits the bionic elbow on Nicky for the 1-2-3. That's his 39th elbow of the match.
5:17 Dusty gets pinned by Kenny meaning that it's 3 on 1 against Flair. Personally, I think Dusty just collapsed from fatigue.
5:18 Flair Pins Mickey in vintage Flair fashion, with the feet on the ropes for leverage. Within seconds he rolls up Kenny with an inside cradle. WHOOO!!! Now it's just Flair and Johnny.
5:19 Chops, shin-breaker, chop block and WHOOO (Now we go to school) Figure Four!
Fair is the sole Survivor. After the match, the Squad lays out Ric Flair, while none of the legends come to help him. I guess that's how you reconcile someone breaking your leg. Fun match, except for the Arn Anderson ouster.
5:24 Chavo Guererro v. Chris Benoit for the U.S. Championship. Oh for Jeebus's sake, they are keeping the Mexican wrestlers in Telenovella mode. Okay, let me try to sum it up. Chavo is the nephew of the beloved Eddy Guererro who died last year. In the storyline, Chavo turned on Eddy's best friend Rey Mysterio, because he thought Rey was using Eddy's memory for his personal gain (which he was, actually). In the fight against Rey, Eddy's widow Vicky sided with Chavo and helped put Rey out of action by blowing out his knee. Longtime friend of Eddy's, Chris Benoit comes back to the WWE and has hired an attorney, because something is fishy with Eddy's estate and thinks Vicky is up to shenanigans. So naturally, they are gonna settle things in the ring.
5:34 Chavo pushes Benoit into Vicky somehow leading to Benoit winning with a Crippler Cross face.
He somehow endured Chavo and Vicky screaming "Stay out of our business" a thousand times. Vicky took a nasty spill on her backside. This match was pretty good, if not a typical Benoit match. Given a real storyline and about 10 more minutes, this match could have been great. JBL is incensed that Benoit won by hitting a woman and demands that he be fined or suspended. Michael Cole answers with n "Hey, open up your eyes, 1985 Color Commentator!" Awesome!
5:36 We get a back stage interview with Lita for her upcoming retirement match with Mickie James. Edge says "Mickie's gonna go down faster than Donovan McNabb". Who had 36 minutes in the pool? In the background we see Cryme Tyme sneaking into Lita's locker room and leaving with a box full of her stuff. I think after a few more of these segments, it's gonna be NAACP Tyme. 
I'm looking forward to the match Mickie James usually has a thong underneath her wrestling skirt...so, yay, y'all.
5:47 The "She's got herpes" chant starts. We got the "She's a crack whore" earlier. I love the Philly fans. Mickie is wearing a thong, but it's over some flesh colored shorts...BOOO, y'all. WWE hates me.
5:49 Mickie hits a swinging DDT for the win. Match started out sloppy but had some drama with the near falls at the end.
5:50 Lita calls for the Mic and starts to berate the crowd for not showing proper respect. Out comes Cryme Tyme! 
They're gonna sell her stuff to the crowd. They announce that it's a "HO-Sale"! Okay, I actually laughed at that. Someone buys her bra...they hawk her Monistat Seven, which she claims she bought for a friend...heh... wait, aren't the Monistats named based on the number of days of treatment? Isn't there a Monistat One and a Monistat Three...why would you buy Seven? JBL offers $100 for her panties...Cryme Tyme takes the money, but throws the panties to the crowd...DILDO!...they keep it covered, but Lita begs them not to sell her dildo , she offers to pay them for it...
they end by selling "Lita's Box" which is so big you can stick your head through it...that went a little too long...Happy Retirement Lita!
part two tomorrow, suckas!
