The Rant: Man of Steel

Oh Superman, how you keep bringing me back out of blog retirement. I didn't want to see Zack Snyder's Man of Steel (MoS), not after Watchmen and Sucker Punch were such terrible movie going experiences. However, I was a comic fanboy before there was even the term and the buzz had been so positive,  I compromised and saw the Man of Steel last week so I could see the movie but I would avoid being part of the opening weekend total. MoS made over 200.3 million world wide it's first four days in release instead of $200,300,007.50 so take that suckas! So here's the MoS rant. As usual, this is not a review just some observations. SPOILER ALERT STARTS NOW

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The Rant: Wanted

Wanted, is yet another comic book inspired movie to hit screens this summer. Since the (box office) failures have been few and far between this genre, it gives comic book readers like me a slight problem. At what point can I keep enjoying these movies when I know what's going to happen? When I've likely read the source material several times over, when is the novelty of seeing comic-book characters come to life going to wear out?

Wanted helps delay this conundrum for at least a few more movies, because after the first half of the film, the similarities between the movie and the comic arrive at mainly at the last scene. I said similarities, mind you, the movie does not end as the comic did with Wesley saying "This is my face, while I'm fucking you in the ass". Hollywood wusses.

So yeah, fans of Mark Millar's Wanted, you do not get the pleasure of seeing "Sh*thead" on the big screen. Sucks to be you assholes. I don't know about you, but I wanted to see a fucking poo-man onscreen. Dogma and the Golgothan was a long fucking time ago and I was digging the idea of a walking pile of doo doo in the movies again.

As usual, spoilers galore and this is not an actual review, just some impressions.


So, in the original Wanted comic book series, the premise is that an army of super villains actually rules the world and the plot involves an coup d'etat among those villains. Wesley, our main character, is recruited into the super villain army and the story deals with the struggle of accepting his new found abilities and dealing with a super powered civil war at the same time. Okay, I understand why they ditched the super villain portion of the story. The concept kind of a bit silly, expensive to produce, far-fetched etc. But did they have to have to replace it with a thousand year fraternity of assassins whose targets are chosen by reading imperfections in weaving of fabrics? This mystic loom determines the targets through fate as a defense system for society? The assassins believe that they are serving the greater good with a "Kill one, save a thousand" philosophy? The loom can pick out a random Chicago business man as an assassination target, but miss out on Hitler, Pol Pot, and Idi Amin? Good lookin' out there, Loom!

Two things involving the direction of the acting bugged me. James McAvoy, was great, but he reminded me a bit too much of Tobey McGuire during his milquetoast who slowly realizes he can stomp some ass progression. The douche bag who played Barry, the movie's douche bag, was way too reminiscent of Sean William Scott (Stiffler) king of the present-day douche bags.

One way to get around ridiculous premises and a dumb script is mask those holes with sperlative star-powered acting. It worked for Iron Man with RDjr. and it worked for Wanted with Angelina Jolie and Morgan Freeman. I swear, Morgan Freeman as the commanding voice in a movie really makes it easier for me to swallow a premise, no matter how preposterous. I think it all started on Electric Company when Easy Reader helped convince me that "Reading is heavy and outta sight!" Angelina Jolie can do so much to fill dead moments in a script. First of all, you can't help but stare at her while she's onscreen. While your staring you can catch all the littel nuances in her stares that range from mocking to emasculating, to "I really believe that you can curve that bullet around my head. I wish younger and equally hot actresses would take notice. I'm looking at you Jessica Alba!

While we're on the subject of Angelina Jolie, is there anything hotter than watching her kick a guys ass? I thought it was just a unique phenomenon after watching Mr. and Mrs. Smith (83 times) but that same warm fuzzy feeling happens in Wanted as well. Watching Angelina Jolie beat the shit out of someone > porn

Third Jolie bit. There's a scene where Jolie kisses Wesley in front of his hoebag ex-girlfriend. It was just a steamy kiss, no groping, no nudity, just a kiss. Well a good portion of the packed theater actually cheered. Phrases like "Yeah, boy!" and "Get some!" were actually shouted. Out loud. By real people.
The special effects and CGI motor this film to the point where it's almost exhausting to watch. It's 21st century Hong Kong action style film making and I'm digging it. Sure, it's excessively violent and maybe the scene where Wesley shoots the Repairman in the face, runs with his carcass, and shoots several more assassins while his gun is still implanted in the Repairman's skull is a bit much, it's quick and it's the kind of fun you can only get at the movies...well at least until the release of Grand Theft Auto 5.

Fucking, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck! This movie sure does love to say fuck!

Curving bullets with a twist of your gun, yo! If that concept alone bothers you, just try to wrap the idea that bullets can be fired to block or deflect other fired bullets

After two different car flipping-in-an-intentional-and-functional-manner scenes, nearly back to back, I really was anxious regarding what I would see next. It's been a long time since I've been absorbed like that in a movie.

Story?: Dumb. Acting?: Pretty good and times erection inducing. Fun?: Word

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The Rant: The Incredible Hulk

I really didn't really expect much from The Incredible Hulk starring Ed Norton, Liv Tyler, William Hurt and Tim Roth. I was a big fan of the TV show, but mainly because it was on right before the Dukes of Hazzard, which inspired me to write about the Incredible Hulk-Dukes of Hazzard effect. I passed on the Ang Lee Hulk movie based on word of mouth and that it focused mainly on emo, "I am the victim of abuse" Hulk. The Hulk I want to see is "Puny human, Hulk smash!" Hulk.

The concept of the Hulk is rare for comics as thres a duality that you can really explore and a psychology that you can take the time to examine since he's not really a hero, just a Jekyl and Hyde freak accident. Just because there's depth to work with doesn't mean it the end product will be any fun.

So, finally with a modern-day movie do-over five years later, I get what I want, and it's pretty damn fun. As usual, this is not a review just some observations. Spoilers Galore!


This movie starts out with an overview of Hulk's origin played as a background to the opening credits. It's about time that a superhero movie took this approach. We jump into the movie knowing that Hulk was the product of a military experiment gone wrong, he hurt some people including his chippie and is now on the run. Simple, easy, and it only took about two minutes of setup. I loved this sequence because the origin makes more sense this way, we don't need twenty minutes of establishing the back story, and there's no sign of that pussy Rick Jones.

So many nice little references to The Incredible Hulk TV show including a shot of Bill Bixby from "The Courtship of Eddie's Father", college newspaper reporter Jack McGee catching celphone cam footage and coining the term "The Hulk", a comical attempt to use the phrase "you wouldn't like me when I'm angry" in Portuguese,Lou Ferrigno as a security guard (and voice of the Hulk) and of course a hitchhiking scene set to "The Lonely Man". Those bits alone were worth the matinee price.

The pants jokes didn't work quite as well for me. I liked the first "mas stretchy" bit when he was buying pants in Mexico, but the big ass Magenta pants bit while they are on the run, just seemed too forced.

I;m not going to really take much credence with what I've read surrounding Edward Norton's unhappiness with the movie. All I know is that he was the perfect Bruce Banner. He has the natural ability to emote suppressed rage and does so much with what really isn't much for dialogue. Whether or not it was a final product he was happy with, his strength as a actor gave Banner the depth that the script may not have provided.

This is such a small bit, but it made me the happiest. Hulk is with Betty in a cave and he gets startled by lightning. So what does he do? He steps out if the cave, grabs a boulder, and chucks it at the sky. Perfect Hulk scene.


Now my favorite part of discussing comic book movies...the relationships!

Okay we have Betty Ross and Bruce Banner we start the movie and Bruce goes into an uncontrollable rage and lands Betty in a coma. Bruce skips town and gives her the silent boot. Betty starts up with a respectable nice guy. Bruce comes into town, sees her with the new guy and decides not to tell her he's back. She spots him and he runs away into an alley and pulls the old hide behind a dumpster trick. She tracks him down and gives him a place to stay. against her wishes he decides he can't stay and then he hits her up for money before he goes.

I lost my shit there, but it gets better.

Then she discovers that he actually transforms into this green mass of muscle capable of a snapping a woman's neck by batting his eyelashes and she's not horrified, but turned on. When they're on the run and things calm down, which is traditional movie sex scene time, he won't give her any, even though she's willing to risk (or encouraging) him turning into a giant green monster capable of killing thousands. After all this, she's still left pining away for him at the end of the movie after he skips town...again. Come to think of it that relationship isn't nearly as preposterous as Carrie and Mr. Big.

Speaking of which, I really want to like Liv Tyler. I mean her back to back roles in Empire Records and That Thing You Do had her in the TC and M pantheon of hot actresses, but she's kinda ridiculous in this. Everyone else in the supporting cast is awesome though, Tim Roth especially.

When it comes down to it, The Hulk isn't a superhero movie, it's a monster movie. The director plays to this as we finally get a good monster versus bad monster throwdown with billions in collateral damage. This is what good monster movies are all about. Hulk doesn't disappoint. In fact, when he uttered his first words, "Hulk Smash", I nearly shed a father like tear. When Hulk vanquished Abomination and let out his victorious scream of rage, happiness, confusion and perhaps some sexual release, I wanted to give him a standing ovation, then run out into the lobby and rip shit up. I haven't had a movie inspire me to vandalize since Alvin and the Chipmunks.

Final Banner, scene? Not gonna spoil that one, but it's a killer.

As for the Tony Stark/RDjr cameo...I wish they hadn't plugged it and moved it from easter egg after the credits status. I know it's supposed to tease an Avengers movie, as it played out, all it did was leave the audience thinking, yeah I guess Hulk was good but Iron Man was still better.

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The Rant: Iron Man

I really didn't want to see this movie. Iron Man has always been one of my least favorite comic book characters. I mean, Tony Stark is a wealthy playboy like my all time favorite character,Batman, but instead of beatin a sucka down, he hides in a suit of armor. That always made him seem like kind of a wuss. Like he was cheating, I like the superheroes with an underdog quality to them. Iron Man always seems like he has it too easy.

He's always been portrayed as a know-it-all, which isn't so bad, but throw in the alcoholism and this recent Civil War thing and he's at times insufferable to read. I can blame it all on this issue of the Avengers that I read when I was pretty young, where Tony Stark has a fling with the Wasp. So in case you didn't know the Wasp was the ex-wife of Hank Pym who along with Iron Man were founding members of The Avengers. So yeah, he's going after his friend's ex-wife. Strike One. Apparently, we learn that Tony Stark had not yet revealed to most of his teammates that he was actually Iron Man. So when they start seeing each other he decides not to tell her, which means Wasp is dating one of her teammates and she has no clue. If she knew she wouldn't have jeopardized team chemistry and never pursued the relationship. Strike Two. Anyway,Tony Stark waits until AFTER he hits it to reveal that he's really Iron Man. The furious Wasp then breaks it off. Strike Three! I remember reading that when I was a kid thinking that Iron Man was such a jerk. Of course, reliving that issue just now, I've come to the realization that Iron Man is actually pretty f'n awesome!

Warning!!!!! Spoilers galore after the jump.
I’ll say it right away; this movie is an absolute blast. I haven’t had this much fun watching a superhero movie since, Superman III and his evil nicotine mischief. It’s like they took my favorite elements of action movies and turned out a fresh batch of awesome. You have the cars of James Bond, the hi-tech goodies of Mission: Impossible, the one step ahead hero of Bourne Identity, mix that with a production that is every bit as kinetic as a Spider-Man movie and you have a blockbuster that doesn’t disappoint.

There were so many decisions that made this movie fun to watch. The main one being that they never allow Robert Downy Jr. any downtime at all during the movie, he’s constantly interacting with something whether it be the human characters, his robot assistants, or the armor (Jarvis) itself. The movie does not let him spare one ounce of wit and they wring out every possible opportunity for Robert Downey Jr. to carry this film.

Jeff Bridges beard and chrome dome is so unsettling at first glance you know he has to be the villain of the movie.

As a huge fan of “Hustle and Flow” I had a hard time seeing Terrance Howard playing second fiddle. I mean this is the guy who “Whupped That Trick” and slapped Skinny Black. Now I understand that he can’t be the star of every movie, but did he have to play such a wet blanket of a best friend. It seems like his entire dialogue was “Tony, grow up” “Tony you can’t do this. “Tony I don’t want to be involved” “Tony my pussy hurts”. I swear if this were a chick movie, Rhodey would be the girlfriend you love to see get dumped on her ass to a jangly pop tune.

As far as the pseudo love interest is concerned, is there less sexy name than Pepper Potts? Why didn’t hey just name her Herpina Hayes or Crabbie Cumquat? I’m glad they gave Gwen a little something beyond playing damsel in peril for RDjr. Hopefully someone will let these two carry a dialogue heavy indie movie.

I’m glad that the movie took the time to show the process of building and testing the armor. They could have easily gone the cheap montage set to that crappy version of “Iron Man” that they’ve been using to promo the film. Instead they took their time with it and gave us some of the funniest scenes in the movie.

Okay this movie wasn’t perfect, there was the disjointed plotline where the villains really weren’t developed at all. That guy was supposed to be bad-ass Mandarin? All he did was stand in menacing poses, get his face burned and put to sleep by Jeff Bridges. How did they soldiers not get overly suspicious when they saw what Tony Stark was building looked nothing like the missiles they were forcing him to construct? Why does a missile need a faceplate and devices that look like arms and legs? Stupid jihadists! Tony Stark powers up his boots for the first time and he goes flying into the lab wall. Obadiah Stane hops in his armor on first power up and has no problems kicking Iron Man’s ass…seriously, wtf?

There is a pretty cool Stan lee cameo, but the best cameo comes during the final credits. Let’s just say Tony might be hopping on a plane …with snakes on it.

/em cue Cobra Starship’s “Bring It”

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The Rant: Harold and Kumar Escape from Guantanamo Bay

When Harold and Kumar Go to White Castle opened I was lucky enough to see it at an Alamo Drafthouse Cinema where they served imitation sliders as part of the theme. I loved the movie and knew immediately it would be a cult classic since this is the one film that could unite anyone who has made a late night slider run...I also knew it would be limited to cult classic since that particular audience wasn't the necessarily the type to plunk down 10 bucks to see a movie. So four years later, John Cho and Kal Penn get their sequel and I'm left to wonder if I can really enjoy this film without the Quixotic journey to White Castle lingering in the background. Who am I kidding? NPH is gonna be in this here movie, yo! I'm sold. Here's the Rant for Harold and Kumar Escape From Guantanamo Bay, let me remind you that this is not a review and that there are SPOILERS galore. Cause (I need a new catchphrase since two years is a long time to roll, suggestions please) SUCKAS!


So the movie starts off where the last one left us. Harold and Kumar are on their way to Amsterdam to chase after Maria.

So, following the cosmic order of things, anytime you have characters who have just eaten 30 sliders and 4 orders of fries just hours before you have to address the White Castle shits. Like Harold in the movie I have experienced a roommate busting in the bathroom and taking a huge loppy WCS while I’ve been trying to shower. I still have Post sensatory traumatic syndrome from my Cincinnati experiences. It’s like the steam from the shower reactivates whatever undigested onions pass through and sit in the toilet. Just reminiscing over that oniony aroma mixed in with fast food poo makes me want to throw up…but it also leaves me craving White Castle. Seriously. Go figure.

As far as story structure goes this movie is almost identical to the original which isn’t a bad thing. It’s movie by numbers…instead of Freakshow, you get an inbred cyclops baby, instead of Maria you have Kumar’s former flame, you have the obligatory giant bag of weed fantasy scene. The villains have gone from Saltines to Ritz for the sequel. They’re a little richer, have a bit more flavor, but they’re still just crackers. NPH is back…but more on that later.

Cock-meat sandwich is probably the catch phrase most people are going to take from this move.

They also decided to bump up the blatant mocking of stereotypes a notch to really, most of which comes from the government figures in the movie. My favorite scenes were the interrogation techniques used on the black dude, the dumping of grape soda in order to coerce a statement and on Harold and Kumar’s Jewish pals, the dumping of approximately $7.00 worth of pennies.

The bottomless party…yeah it delivered, but it left me wondering if grooming trends for women are going back to “more hair down there”. Based on my experience it’s the opposite…and yes they’ve all been over 18! Jerks. Another thing that bothered me was a missed opportunity for a penis gag when H and K were forced to go bottomless. A Dirk Diggler prosthesis on Harold would have been comedy gold! In a movie that both wallows in the gutter (Kumar rubbed one out and spooged in his own face in the first two minutes) and likes to mock stereotypes they missed the obvious gag regarding Asian penis size.

Then there’s NPH. Neil Patrick Harris is back as Neil Patrick Harris. He loses impact with me since I’ve been a fan of “How I Met Your Mother”‘s Barney Stinson which is basically Harold and Kumar’s version of NPH without the drugs but with a suit. Still the idea of Doogie Howser plowing down the road chewing on shrooms is quite awesome.

I mean it SPOILER:

I guess the best way to put it is the way I described it on the phone last night. NPH gets blown away with a shotgun trying to escape a whorehouse where he had just branded his initials on a whore’s ass with an actual branding iron. Needless to say, Mother was disappointed when she heard this.

The romantic subplot was a waste of time and done terribly. Makers of Harold and Kumar, it’s 2008, you can have a realistic romantic plot filled with dick jokes aplenty and still make money at the box office. Signed, Judd Apatow.

There is a longer than I expected George Bush scene…I actually sympathized with the guy for a few minutes after I saw the movie. DAMN YOU HAROLD AND KUMAR!

So the ending has Harold and Kumar in Amsterdam with babes in tow and all of them are in love…with weed.

So…is it a well written story? No. Was the chased by the government theme a little gimmicky and charm tainting? Yes. Was it funny? Very. So it was mixed for me. I had a good time but wished for something better. Still early returns show that Harold and Kumar: Escape From Guantanamo Bay’s opening weekend did 3 times what the original did so there’s still a chance to make up for it in a third.

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The Rant: Juno

I was waiting for something big to get me out of blog hibernation and the combination of seeing Juno on the eve of the film recieving Oscar nominations for Best picture, Best Actress, and Best Screenplay seemed like a good choice to break my silence.

First thoughts: This film is like one big excercise of sarcasm and one liners as a defense mechanism for a serious situation (teen pregnancy) Since that's also how I roll, Juno fit me like a glove. As usual this is not a review, just some impressions. Spoiler Alert is on. Blogging cap on. Thunderbirds are Go! Thundercats HO!

Ellen Page plays the role of 16-year old Juno with a wonderful range and sensitivity. For the first few minutes I was worried that she would fall into the "I was a teenage Janeane Garofalo" trap, but that image was shattered. Her performance keeps you guessing and on your toes, but is equally engaging. Perfect for the coming of age story of a teenage girl who also happens to be preggers.

Michael Sera, who plays Juno's baby daddy, really needs to be cast as something other than the awkward, good-hearted, uncomfortable with sexual impulses teenager in his next project. There isn't much difference between his character in Juno, Paulie Bleeker, Superbad's Evan, and Arrested Development's George Michael Bluth. Still the film needs this type of character to work...I just don't want to see him playing this guy three years from now.

The dialogue is so over the top slang-mangling and sardonic that Juno becomes a Napoleon Dynamite-esque nursery for quoatables. When Juno becomes accessible at Blockbuster all your three-month-behind wannabe hip friends will say something to effect of "Home Skillet" or "Honest to blog!" and you will want to stab them in the eye.

As someone who grew up with a generation of teenage movies that portrayed adults as one-dimensional ineffectual foils for the know it all teen, I was happy to see all of the main adult characters given depth. they all have complications dealing with this situation and they all are sympathetic at appropriate times. J.K. Simmons of Vern Schillinger from Oz and J.Jonah Jameson from Spider-Man fame, plays a gruff but warm father, but I still half expected him to shank somene in a shower. Jennifer Garner slowly reveals there is more to her role as adoptive mother to Juno's child than batting cleaup for the Junior League All-Stars. Jason Bateman is perfect as the "clinging to the early 90's" guy who sold out and is reduced to having all the the things he feels defines him relegated to a spare room or boxes that are hidden away. He's easy to label as the "dick" of the movie, but I totally understood his aversion to the idea of becoming a father with the line "There are just some things that I still want to do". A bittersweet mix of both genuine and chickenshit at the same time, but I can relate.

Holy Shit! Sean from Degrassi sighting!!!

I loved that the movie wasn't afraid to take some luster off of Juno's wise beyond her years veneer. Her proclaiming the magic of '77s music scene when she wasn't even alive, her surprise that someone else might be familiar with "All the Young Dudes", and her emotional cracking when she realizes there are things beyond her maturity level that she can't deal with ,necessarily knock her down a few pegs. It sure beats having your main character lip synch "Shake it Up Baby" in the middle of a parade on a school day. Yes, once again, "Up yours John Hughes!"

The mood of the movie is set perfectly by the smother presence of Kimya Dawson on the soundtrack. Her sound becomes part of the films identity the way the Shins left their mark of "Garden State". Dawson, sorta-formerly maybe-still-is half of the Moldy Peaches, is just as quirky as the movie and creates an accompanying stream of conciousness that you end up sucked into Juno's world and situation whether you want to or not. Closing the movie with a cover of the Peaches'"Anyone Else But You" perfored by the main characters was absolutely perfect. Perfect enough that videos of emo couples performing their own versions may just outnmuber the "Soulja Boy Dance" videos soon enough.

I'm pretty sure that thousands of teenage dudes that left Juno with the same feeling I had when I first saw the movie Heathers. Ellen Page has Winona Ryder trumped with fanboy cred (she was X-Men's Kitty Pryde), and an Oscar nominatiuon. As of right now she is the defining young actress of her generation. The Juno Soundtrack is nearing the top of the charts, meaning the sounds of "The Moldy Peaches" could possibly reach Loggins-esqe proportions. Not bad...Society. Not bad. This almost makes up for "Snakes on a Plane". Now if you could just explain to me why you couldn't get behind "Walk Hard"

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The Rant: Superbad

I actually saw this Saturday but, decided to wait until today to post the rant because:

1) I needed some time to let this movie sink in. In my post Superbad euphoria I may have declared this movie better than The Warriors and Caddyshack combined...and that can't happen.

2) I wanted this Rant to come closer to the weekend in hopes that if you haven't seen the movie yet I can convince you otherwise.


If you read my Knocked Up rant, you'll know that I'm firmly aboard the Judd Apatow bandwagon. I've been looking forward to Superbad ever since the trailer and it did not disappoint. The packed theater was raucous to the point where the laughs from gags and one-liners overlapped each other. Superbad is best served with a crowd. Don't be a sucka and wait for the DVD.

Okay big SPOILER ALERT for this one, as usual, this is not a review just some impressions.


The premise is simple, two high school seniors, Seth and Evan, get invited to a party and somehow get in charge with buying the liquor. Enter Fogel their nerdy smack talking friend with a fake I.D. Sure we've all been in this situation, Superbad's plot is not as ambitious as trying to run a brothel while your parents are gone or pseudo cathartic as self-discovery through detention...but this is part of why the movies works, we've all been in a situation like this at one time or another and we know all the shit that can go wrong. The plot is on autopilot from that point on and we get to focus on the kids. It's not always about the originality. Superbad works because of the quality of its execution.

The movie starts out with a discussion of the porn site Seth is going to subscribe to. He's about to settle on Vag-tasic Voyage, where some dudes take a van and film their escapades with chicks. If you were like me you said "Hey, that sounds like Bangbus!" and if you are like me you are also a little embarrassed that you know that. So if you go see it this weekend, don't be like me and say it out LOUD.

"I am so jealous you got to suck on those titties as a baby" "Well, at least you got to suck on your Dad's dick"

Sure the movie is pretty much a dick and discharge joke fest, but one of my favorite laughs came from an innocent Asian kid's imitation of a cat. So there is at least one successful attempt at clean humor. I'm trying to think of any others...hmmm...well at least there's one.

"You know if you scratch our back we'll scratch yours" "Well Jules, the funny thing about my back is that it's located on my cock."

This sequence stands out as an example of one of the things I love most about this movie. The characters are not pigeon-holed into a stereotype. In a lesser comedy the fat loser kid would never say that to a girl he was interested in. Seth and Evan are portrayed as realistic teenagers. They both have their moments where they show they aren't limited to Seth's low self-esteem and Evan's anal retentive neuroticism. They aren't one trick ponies and they come off as real. High School's clique system was never as rigid as the 80's movies liked to claim it was. If it was for you, then I'm sorry you grew up in Retardville. It looks like the f'n Breakfast Club influence may be finally gone from teenage movies. Suck it John Hughes!

"For some reason, I don't know why, I would sit around all day and draw pictures of dicks"

I'm going to preface this with a TC and M anecdote. We were in a Las Vegas suite for a bachelor party weekend. The night we all got in we ended up just hanging around and we decided to get PPV porn on the big screen. So we're about to settle on an orgy movie with one guy and a whole lotta sluts. Then our nameless friend objects to the choice with "Pick another one, that movie only has one cock in it". Needless to say, any decision we had to make that weekend was followed by, "Hey, does that enough cock for ya?"

So yeah, as Superbad's cavalcade of cock doodles started, I wondered if he would be satisfied...really though, there are a lot of dick pictures.

"I am McLovin"

Get ready for the McLovin merch! If you miss out I'm sure Urban Outfitters will have these in stock where their Napoleon Dynamite stuff used to be.

"Prepare to get fucked by the long dick of the law"

The cops in this movie, played by Superbad co-writer Seth Rogen and SNL's Bill Heder, make a hilarious device for moving the plot and at times steal the movie. Keeping the focus off Evan and Seth for a good portion of the movie helped quite a bit. There's nothing worse for movie that getting sick of seeing main characters on the screen. Ex: All three Star Wars prequels.

"You have such a smooth cock." "Thank you. You would too...if you were a man."

Michael Sera plays the over-polite, insecure, dork to perfection. His portrayal of Evan is really just a continuation of his George Michael Bluth from Arrested Development. What sets Superbad apart from most teen movies is the depths it will go to accurately portray the awkwardness of uncomfortable teenage moments. I had the feeling that most of the audience were reliving some of moments as recently as the weekend before.

"So I guess I'll call you. I have your information so..."

The parting sequence that ends this film was so bittersweet. They acknowledge that the "bro's before ho's" era is now ending. Long live the "getting screwed over by chicks era". All they needed to do was play "Just Once" and have Seth drive away crying in the rain.

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The Rant: The Simpsons Movie

Hmm, a movie based on an animated television show that's still currently running on the air... my response was this, "South Park already did it!" Now I haven't seen a fresh episode of The Simpsons in roughly four seasons, but old school Simpsons is something I can watch all day. I think I hit the Simpsons wall somewhere along the "Grimey" episode and it stopped being a must watch for me. Still, the first ten or so seasons I'll rank up there with the best TV has to offer so I was excited to see the movie and was very curious to see what they would do with the extra hour or so of movie time. As usual this isn't an actual review, just some impressions. There will be spoilers, you are forewarned.

They hit you early in the 20 Century Fox logo with Ralph Wiggum trumpeting in the credits. From there the movie is non-stop gags and one liners. The jokes don't always hit, but there isn't much time to contemplate before the next gag hits. It's the Simpsons so you gotta be on your toes both with the dialog and any on-screen goodness they might try to sneak past you.

The movie plays like a Greatest Hits album. Almost every gag and plot device is a variation we've already seen in the television show. The big glass dome crisis hearkens back to Burns blocking out the sun. Homer's Eskimo vision quest parallels the one he went on with a Johnny Cash voiced Coyote. Simpsons have been the target of a vigilante mob before. Lisa's romance plays like all the others we've seen before as well. Even the style of joke telling is familiar and distinctive and will call back specific episodes. You know what though? It's not a bad thing. The lack of originality is bolstered by the exectution. For example, because of "Joey Joe Joe" I knew exactly what was going to happen the moment Bart doodled on a "Wanted" poster. I also know that Homer + Springfield Gorge is never a good thing. It's not original, but it didn't matter. It still worked. The movie is full of moments like these and instead of feeling tired and hackneyed, it's comforting.

Um, remember when Bart was the focal point of The Simpsons? Anyway after 17 years or so he's now an emo mess. WTF? Anyway, what they decided to do with that extra hour they had to work with by going in depth with the characters more than they ever have. Bart expresses a desire to be loved. Marge shows that she has a tipping point in her marraige. Homer accepts a guilt based responsibility. There were some touching moments, but the feeling was like when you hang around too long with your drinking buddies and all of a sudden they start talking about their real problems. It's just a tad unsettling.

Cameos! Green Day meeting their demise was cool and Tom Hanks's bit was my favorite in the movie. The only gripe I have is that I would have rather them use President Ranier Wolfcastle rather than his real life allegory President Schwarzenegger. It didn't seem right since they didn't even use the Guvenators voice.

All the bit players are back! From Gabbo to Drederick Tatum to Jacques the Bowling Lothario. I coulda used a little more Disco Stu though.

They did go the adult route on a few occasions. I could have lived forever without ever seeing Bart's wenus. Homer giving the finger was great. Otto took a big bong hit. Marge belted out a "goddamn". I remember the days when The Simpsons were seen as radical and now their extremes are still well below the tamest South Park episodes.

Still if you enjoy the Simpsons you'll enjoy the movie. They did it right this time.

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The Rant: Transformers

If there's anything you can count on is Hollywood fucking up your childhood. So the last year or so I've been staying away from all the Transformers hype. No AICN, no comicbookmovies.com, nothing. All I knew going into this movie was that Bumblebee was going to be a Camaro instead of a VW BUG, the Optimus Prime would be voiced by the original cartoon voice and that Jazz was going to be one of the Autobots featured in the movie. Okay, first of all, I was a total Transformers junkie. Every day after school it was Transformers, G.I. Joe, and Thundercats. Every day. My first Transformer I ever bought was Jazz, back then he was a Porsche racing car, he was followed by dozens, but Jazz was and always will be my favorite. So my mantra as I was waiting for the movie to start was "Please don't suck".

There are going to be a bunch of spoilers and as usual this is not a review, just some impressions.

From the opening seconds, the fanboy inside of me was pumped. Hearing Optimus Prime narrate the opening set the bar incredibly high. I can honestly say that this movie did not disappoint when it came to providing nostalgic moments. Big props for using the original transforming sound effect from the cartoons. Having a VW Bug smacked my the movie Bumblebee was great. Having Jazz carry on a "black" persona... corny, but appreciated. Devestator's name still has that "Oh Shit!" aura about it. The best nod to the old Transformers was Optimus barking the line "One Shall Stand, One shall fall" I wanted to get out of my seat and start belting out "You've go the touch, you've got the powerrrr YEAH!

Holy crap is Megan Fox smokin'! If I could buy stock in her I would. Man, she's like the second coming of Jennifer Connelly, but with proportionate boobs. Seriously, I could not take my eyes off her yo!

The Bumblebee-Sam duo's characterization surprised me. Glad they made them a little tougher than in the cartoons. In the cartoons, Spike and Bumblebee were 100% cat. Sam loses points though for throwing his friend out of the car so he can give Megan Fox a ride home.

This movie had some unbelievable CGI, but some of the robots were hard to tell apart. At times it seemed a bit much but then again, It's Michael Bay. How he rolls is in slow motion with a setting sun in the background as the music build to a crescendo...yo.

I would have liked to have seen Anthony Anderson used a little bit better. The guys been in some of my favorite movies over the last few years. He should have at least gotten some nookie off the blonde. Oh well, at least he didn't get shot in the head this time.

There were quite a few "Autobots are jerks" moments. Bumblebee pulls off to a makeout point playing "Sexual Healing" . Ironhide nearly kills a Chihuahua. Optimus is a klutz who wrecks Sam's yard. Ratchet says out loud that Sam's wants to mate with the girl. Ratchet "peeing" on John Turturro. They aren't quite Superman level, but those Autobots can be jerks.

There's a scene where Sam finds out that Megan Fox had a a juvie record and he gets all self righteous and betrayed. I call bullshit. He's known her for two days and he wants to act indignant over a secret? Like a juvie record doesn't make her that much hotter? She has Daddy issues and you want to turn her away? Seriously, yo. Bullshit.

Worst moment of the movie: I'm not going to totally spoil it, but if I want to go as Jazz for Halloween this year I'm going to need a buddy to complete the costume. Stupid Megatron! I guess even black robots can't escape the "black guy always dies in science fiction movie" cliche.

The final scene had Sam and Megan Fox canoodling on Bumblebee's hood. Since he's like their pal, isn't that close to being a creepy threesome?

Anyway, I loved this movie and I have high hopes for the Transformers franchise. Still, if hear that Judd Nelson is going to be in the sequel, all bets are off.

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The Rant: Knocked Up

There are certain eras where a filmmaker puts out movies that cross over exactly into what I want out of movies at that specific time. There’s the Kevin Smith era, the Cameron Crowe era, the Quentin Tarantino era, the Richard Linklater era…After Talladega Nights, The 40 Year Old Virgin, and now, Knocked Up, I think TC and M is heading into the Judd Apatow era.

So, I caught Knocked Up over the weekend with medium sized expectations. When the leads are hot, but annoying Izzie from shitty Grey’s Anatomy and one half of the “You wanna know how I know you’re gay?” guys from 40 Year Old, you can’t help but be a little leery. All fears were set aside as soon as I heard “Shimmy Shimmy Ya” by Ol’ Dirty Bastard over the opening credits. As usual this isn’t an actual review, just some observations, and it this case it’s actually a celebration, bitches!

Paul Rudd and Seth Rogan need to be in every movie. All of them. I don’t care if their in the corner throwing lines like “You look like Babe Ruth’s brother, GAYbe Ruth”. Just having them on-screen talking shit gives a movie a plus for authenticity.

As a sucker for relationship movies, “Knocked Up” is one of the more genuine depictions of a relationship I’ve ever seen. The four main characters are all loveable, contempt worthy, compassionate, and self destructive all at the same time. The great thing is that “Knocked Up” gives the characters the time to let them earn it. The movie doesn’t make judgments either. It just lays the situation out there and let’s you confront your own views of relationships to make a decision. You don’t feel a certain way just because they tell you to. Compare this to the atrocious Last Kiss I saw last year.
There are a lot of “OMG this is my life” scenes in “Knocked Up”. Two in particular stood out.

There’s a bit where Leslie Mann’s character is telling Heigl how to deal with a man in a relationship. It involved continually pointing out the man’s shortcomings to the point he feels so bad about himself he has to change. It was like she was reading from the handbook of “Women who have dated Paj”. Needless to say I quivered out of anger in that sequence.

The second scene involved Leslie Mann trailing Paul Rudd thinking he’s having an affair, only to find out he’s been lying to sneak away for a Rotisserie Baseball draft. Now this happened to me TWICE! Not exactly how it happened in the movie, but on two separate occasions and two separate girlfriends I was busted trying to fly to my Fantasy Football draft and not telling them. Both times it led me to not going. It directly led to my being dumped the last time it happened. It’s awesome decision making on my part that can explain why my football team is stuck being named after a homosexual Japanese singing group for yet another year. Well on the bright side, I have a career winning percentage of 37%.

“Oooh Baby I like it Raw” - Anyone that hears me speak in a non-professional setting knows that I have a pretty fuckin’ bad potty mouth. Well after watching the fuckin’ movie I feel like I’m mutherfuckin’ not so fuckin’ bad after all. Really, the dialogue is fuckin fuckin every other fuckin word at times. Thanks for fuckin keepin it fuckin real, yo!

The bit players in “Knocked Up” have some great scene stealing moments. Kristen Wiig from SNL is great as a passive aggressive corporate monkey. B.J. Novak has a great moment of inappropriate smooth. Some guy does a Jabba the Hutt impersonation that the person two rows in front of me is still laughing about as we speak. Still the best cameo is by Craig Robinson aka Darryl from The Office. His doorman scene was the shizzle. There aren’t many actors who can pull off consoling someone by telling them “if I could I’d take you home and turn that old ass out” or something to that effect. One of my favorite scenes in the movie. Dinkum Flicka, yo!

I know there are other reasons for this, but the fact that Katherine Heigl’s bra stayed on even during the sex scenes actually helped the movie. As in, subconsciously there’s still a level of acceptance that hasn’t been reached yet and, hopefully, as the relationship evolves, someday Seth Rogan will get to have sex with her AND see her naked boobies.

Oh yeah, there’s a crowning shot. Wait no there’s actually two. It’s like the Franks and Beans scene from There’s Something About Mary for women.
Really, yo. See this movie. I’ll be busy putting this on the TC and M Mt. Rushmore.

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The Rant: Grindhouse

Aight suckas, let me get this out of the way first. Grindhouse is an ass kicking rollercoaster of a movie that if you have any plans of seeing at all, you MUST see it at the movie theater! It's another event movie, where the crowd's reactions are an essential part of the Grindhouse experience. This goes double for Quentin Tarantino fans. Very few directors make movies that evoke the kind of laughs,cheers, or uneasy noises. Grindhouse is no different. In "Planet Terror" and "Death Proof" along with the fictional trailers, Rodriguez and Tarantino have created an exploitation-celebrating, house party jam. They throw everything, and I mean EVERYTHING at you (even a B.J. McKay and a Hooper reference). The best way to enjoy something like this is to be there with as many people as you can.

As usual this is not a review, just some impressions. I'll do my best to avoid spoilers, but I'll throw the warning out anyway.

The double feature is framed with seventies graphics and movie ads so immediately you know you'll be stepping into an alternate universe. The feature presentation music (the same that was used in the Kill Bill movies) will probably stay in your head for days.

The pace for Grindhouse is set perfectly by the fictional Machete trailer which is a nitrous shot of guns, knives, decapitations, explosions, and titties. It's the perfect setup for the world you'll be in for the next three and a half hours.

I never thought I'd ever say this, but the world needs more Rose McGowan movies. She was absolutely smokin', even with the machine gun leg.

Freddie Rodriguez's El Wray has one of my favorite character traits. He's supposedly some mysterious badass whose name, once revealed, immediately demands respect, admiration, and/or fear. Kinda like how every hood in Beverly Hills knew Dylan McKay. In this case it's due to intentionally lazy storytelling, but still I loved it.

Nobody plays overwhelmed and eventually doomed cop/soldier/savior from the future better than Michael Beihn. Nobody. His death scene is Planet Terror is "can it, cracker it, and call it a snack" good.

My favorite plot device in "overrun by monsters" movies is the break in the action where the protagonists have found momentary safety and after they catch their breaths, assess their situation, they decide that NOW is the best time to do the hibbidy dibbidy. Try setting up that scenario the next time you have a chance to get clam...it works!

Of all the gore and body parts abound in Planet Terror, it was the Marley Shelton scene with her hand in the car door handle that made me turn my head. Seriously, I could handle all the various forms of castration in the movie, but a broken wrist is the thing that almost sends me to Pukesville. Go figure.

Fergie Ferg is in the Grind Hiz-ouse! We get to hear her talk without her affected street voice and its refreshing. What happens to her though ain't so flossy flossy. I guess her Daddy should have told her more than "If you ain't got no money, take your broke ass home."

It's in the trailer so it's not so much a giveaway, but the El Wray scenes shooting zombies while riding a pocket bike are just priceless.

Seriously, without any salacious intent, I want to see more of the Crazy Babysitter Twins!

It was strange seeing a legit Rob Zombie trailer at the beginning of Grindhouse (Halloween) and a fictional Rob Zombie trailer (Werewolf Women of the SS) during changeover from Planet Terror to Death Proof. If you held the two together out of context could you tell the fictional one apart from the real? And yes I would believe that Nicholas Cage would play Fu-Manchu.

Out of the fake trailers I liked "Don't" the best. I always found the movies where they tell you exactly where death is like "The People Under the Stairs" kinda silly.

I'm writing this over a two day period. I wanted to let "Death Proof" soak in for awhile, because in the the theater I was actually fidgeting during the first twenty minutes or so. I was over stimulated from what I saw in "Planet Terror" and I was going nuts during all the female shit talking.

Halfway through "Death Proof" I found myself rooting for Kurt Russel. Not because he's right or anything, but because he does such an awesome job with this role. You can't help but pull for him. I find myself doing this with certain actors like Christopher Walken and Kevin Spacey.

At some point it will hit you that Kurt Russell is totally getting owned by Mimi and Joanne from "Rent". I had "Take Me Baby or Leave Me" in my head during a good portion of chase scene.

"Death Proof" tends to hammer home a theory about women I've had for a long time. Women are more likely to fuck with someone else's ride than men. You know all that car bashing you see in the previews? It's not even those chicks' car!!! The whole second part of the movie was centered around Zoe Bell conning some local rube into letting her drive a 1970 Dodge Challenger under the premise that she was going to buy it. When she does get to drive it she decides to fuck around on the hood just for shits and giggles. Total disrespect for the car's owner. During the car chase with every sideswipe and ram I'm thinking "Those bitches better be payin for that". Seriously, it really pissed me off and made the heroines of "Death Proof" less sympathetic.

Anyway, after thinking about "Death Proof" the more the choices made sense, but it was really difficult to sit still during all that talky talk.

Tags: Grindhouse

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The Rant - Blades of Glory

Now I hadn't jumped on the Will Ferrell movie bandwagon until I saw Anchorman. After seeing Talladega Nights I was officially a fan. In anticipation of Blades of Glory, I seriously considered feigning illness to catch the first viewing, then I actually was sick the day before ruining those plans. From the trailers Blades of Glory looks like just another Ferrell movie where he plays a larger than life character, the kind that Randy Savage and the Village People would look at at and say "Damn, that guy's macho!" This character eventually falls from grace and finds redemption by the end of the movie. Well it is exactly that type of movie, but it doesn't matter. As someone who has sat through every Adam Sandler mildy-retarded savant movie and I sat through every formulaic moment of Blades of Glory and loved it. As usual this is not an actual review just some impressions:


A+++ on the soundtrack. The song listing includes "Con Te Partirò", Billy Squire's "The Stroke", Marky Mark's "Good Vibrations, Queen's "Flash Gordon", and a theme song by American Idol runner up Bo Bice.

Craig T. Nelson, who played the title character on the long running ABC series "Coach" has a supporting role in Blades of Glory playing...a coach.

They did such a great job creating a surreal figure skating world with the inclusion of Nancy Kerrigan, Brian Boitano, Peggy Flemming, Dorothy Hamil and Scott Hamilton. The skating vignettes were also very well done. I'm guessing they had a deeper satirical take on figure skating originally planned, but instead left it at surface parody and focused on the interaction between Jon Heder and Will Ferrell.

After watching the trailers I was worried Jim Lampley would be terrible as the Sports Announcer. He was great though and I don't have to shudder the next time he calls an HBO boxing match. He totally owned Al Micheals and Bob Costas performances in BASEketball ranks right above Brent Musburger and Dan Fouts in Waterboy and right below Bob Ueker in the Major League trilogy.

Will Arnett, who played the self-absorbed, dim, but conniving Gob on Arrested Development has a supporting role in Blades of Glory playing...a self absorbed, dim, but conniving rival skater.

The Iron Lotus ranks up there with the Triple Lindy as the move I want to see at the next Olympics.

As many times as I've seen Will Farrell's self destructive washed up loser act, I still can't help but cringe every time he gets started. I mean that in the best way possible.

There's an awesome bit were Arnett and Amy Poehler have just finished a Hip Hop ice skating routine that is just spot as on a mixture of the hip-hop and ice skating world. After a disappointing result Arnet says something to the effect of not only did we disappoint Marky Mark but we let the Funky Bunch down as well. Double fist pump yo, cause that's what MMATFBWD.

Jenna Fischer, who plays mousy, but smokin' hot pushover Pam, in The Office, has a supporting role in Blades of Glory playing...a mousy, but smokin' hot pushover. Okay running joke or not, for those who care, Jenna Fischer looks awesome in this movie and we get to see her felt up while in lingerie. That by itself makes it worth the price of admission.

Lastly, I hadn't seen Jon Heder in a movie since Napoleon Dynamite. I thought he did enough for me to stop thinking "Lucky" or "I'm pretty good with a bo staff". No small feat since I mentally yell "You shit on my house" every time I see Dr. McDreamy.

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The Rant: Black Snake Moan

As our loyal Tortilla Chips and Milk readers would tell you, Last summer's Snakes On a Plane had everything I could want in a movie. Well, I was wrong. After seeing the first Black Snake Moan, I realized that what Snakes On a Plane was missing was a hot little white girl on a chain. As usual the following is not a review just some impressions.

Black Snake Moan is Craig Brewer's follow up to Hustle and Flow, a movie that I absolutely loved. Like Hustle and Flow, Black Snake Moan is based in the Dirty South, offers music as salvation, and displays a predominantly fucked up morality.

As Hustle and Flow's plot could be summarized in a Hip Hop Single, Black Snake Moan's plot of Man loses wife to brother, Man finds a nymphomaniac, Man chains nymphomaniac to a radiator for a few days, Man rediscovers love and the blues as a result, could also be a blues jam...The best blues jam ever!

I know there must be difficulties marketing movies like Hustle and Flow and Black Snake Moan, but the commercials which feature a crazed Samuel L. Jackson and a chained up Christina Ricci are terribly misleading. Rather than a Pulp Fiction-esque
thriller, Black Snake Moan, like Hustle and Flow is a slow paced, gritty, character based film, examining a culture that seems so alien it's hard to believe it's probably only 15 miles from a Wal-Mart.

Christina Ricci, spends a great deal of this movie either topless, in heat, or both. I can never watch The Addams Family again. Or Mermaids for that matter...I mean Mermaids for the first time cause I've never seen it...look over there!

Samuel L. Jackson can switch gears like no other. His ability to switch from comedic, to terrifying, to crazed, and back again is rivaled by only Christopher Walken.

Justin Timberlake is also in this movie...let's just say that a whiny, hillbilly chump with no balls is a role he was born to play.

The musical scenes were incredible and I'm not even a fan of the blues.

I love the way the local drug dealer shows the in his own special way that he cares for Ricci's character. I think it's a sad comment on my part that I understood where he was coming from.

Every Samuel L. Jackson movie should have a scene where he stares down someone who has him looking down the barrel of a gun.

Out of the handful of intense moments in the movie, my favorite is the anticipation that builds as we see SLJ's truck drive up after the teenager farmhand has been jumped by Ricci.

The only problem I had with the movie is the dragged out ending. Still I was absorbed throughout and left the theater content.

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The Rant - Borat:Cultural Learnings of America for Make Benefit Glorious Nation of Kazakhstan

I went to see Borat over the weekend with high expectations. I was kind of dismayed when I had heard earlier that the movies release was being scaled back in fear of the movie being offensive. Still, I was excited and it's been on the "must-see" list for me, ever since I saw the first trailer. I've been a fan of Borat and Sasha Baron Cohen ever since HBO's Ali G. Show, but I was skeptical of whether the character of Borat could carry an entire movie. Part of it is that I'm protective when favorites of mine get exposed to the general public like this. Ali G. and Borat were kind of like Mr. Show in the sense that not everyone will "get it", it's something I enjoy, I don't want other people who might not "get it" to enjoy it anyway and ruin it for me. It's very exclusionary 90's Indie Rock of me, and yes, I know it's a shitty elitist attitude. Anyway, as usual, this is not a full fledged review, just some impressions of the movie.

First of all, I haven't laughed so hard in a movie since There's Something About Mary. The first hour or so and the bits therein are TC and M Hall of Fame worthy. Starting with the alternate universe that Borat lays out for us in the opening of the movie to the much publicized nude male wrestling scene the first 3/4 of the movie are non-stop shocking, offensive, laughs. Some of the Ali G. fans will recognize the humor coach and the southern etiquette instructor bits, while the rodeo scene is a more politically charged version of Borat's visit to a minor league baseball game. Still it doesn't matter, in context the old bits still play fresh and the new segments are simply riotous.

The whole concept of Running of the Jew, floored me, and it pretty much sets the tone. While the character of Borat may be an Anti-Semite, don't believe the hype that this is main undercurrent of the movie. Still, I can see people throwing dollar bills to ward off their Jewish friends imitating the act in the movie...well at least that's what I'm going to do as soon as I seen some of them.

What I love most about Borat is what he reveals about the American public. We're tolerant of the things that might offend us if we think the person doesn't know any better. However, we're also more likely to spew openly about our prejudices once we know that the person might sympathize.

Sasha Baron Cohen keeps the character of Borat good-hearted and well-meaning. Anything offensive that comes out of Borat's mouth is in "character" and is never mean spirited. Well except for one scene...

The only negative part of the movie is the slowdown in the last act. The problem is if you have downtime in a movie like this the facade starts to wear thin and it starts to feel like an ordinary movie. Thinking time is bad since it gives you time to wonder what's scripted and what's not, which is poison for this type of film.

So unless you are extremely thin skinned, I highly recommend that you check it out.

I wrote the bulk of this last night...here's a Monday update...
Wow. Borat is the number one movie in America, making apx. 26 million over the weekend, even in a scaled back release!

Borat has also received a staggering 96% on the Rotten Tomatoes Critic Tomatometer, which I've never seen before. A non-formulaic comedy that's both a critical and commercial success? This almost makes up for Snakes on a Plane, Society! (pause) NOT!

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The Rant- The Last Kiss

Okay, the last rant I did was on Snakes on a Plane and I'm still stinging from the aftermath of that opening weekend. I'm bringing back The Rant to get on with things. After some anticipation, I saw The Last Kiss today. I'm quite a big fan of Garden State and The O.C. So a movie co-starring Zach Braff and Rachel Bilson seemed right up my alley. Some of my favorite movies have been coming of age romantic comedies, but those movies aren't as prevalent as they were in the late 80's through mid 90's so I was hoping for a good one to add to the list. As usual, I won't give a full fledged review, just impressions. If you don't want to be spoiled stop reading now.

Let's start out by saying that The Last Kiss is NOT a quirky, light-hearted, romantic comedy romp set to jangly music. The movie is glum, heavy handed, and tries to be cerebral, with lots of depressed looks and eyes closed meditation thrown in for good measure. The Last Kiss does have it's cute quirky moments but for the most part the tone is a somber one.

The Last Kiss centers around four friends all about to turn 30. There's Izzy, the guy who was freshly dumped by the love of his life and going crazy. Kenny is a bartender who bangs freely and runs like hell at the wiff of commitment. Chris, who has to deal with a punishing wife and a screaming baby, and Zach Braff as Michael, who just knocked up his girlfriend of three years but won't commit to marriage until she can name five married couples who worked out. Sounds like Paj and his Amazing Friends...it's not something I really needed to go to the movies to see. I've either lived it or lived vicariously through it.

FINALLY, there's an scene in a movie where the boyfriend farts on his girlfriend!!! It's about friggin' time!

Jacinda Barrett, plays Jenna, Michael's knocked up girlfriend. She was also the Australian model in Real World: London. She does a good job, but I kept waiting for her accent to slip. I also thought of her Real World roommate Kat whenever she was on-screen. mmm mmm mmm

If you're looking for a movie with well developed women characters, The Last Kiss ain't it. Jenna is perfect, not for anything she says or does, but because the movie says so. Kim, Rachel Bilson, is desirable, not because she's brings something new to the table, but because she's a co-ed, flirty, and accessible. If I didn't have her Summer Roberts character to fill the gaps, there would just be an attractive petite brunette.

The women characters are all so clingy,needy,and starved for attention and answers, that you really sorta hope that all the guys take off to South America. Still, they sit around waiting to be left, come back to, or forgive their men so there's no need to bother. At times you just want to yell out a phrase I have heard many, many, many, MANY times before, "Dude, the girl is CRAZY, you are much better off without her"

Seriously, this movie is such a downer when it comes to relationships that even the couples that stay together by the end don't seemed destined for happiness at all.

Apparently, Zach Braff compiled this soundtrack as he did for Garden State. If he gets that gig for all of his movies I wish he'd put some hip-hop on his iPod.

The mood really kills what could have been a great movie, because all of the actors showed flashes of being able to do so much more than what they were given. The strength of the actors kept me interested until the end.

There is a pretty cool cell phone scenario which also plays really well. It's one of the two "Dude, shut the fuck up!" moments in The Last Kiss and both scenes were done well enough leave me cringing.

All in all the movie was just "okay" with the actors charm being the films saving grace. It definitely wasn't what I was expecting, nor was it really what I was looking for.

Finally, standing with a boombox over your head > sitting your cheating ass on a porch.

Tags: The Rant, Movies, The Last Kiss

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The Rant - Snakes on a Plane

There were Mutha F'N Snakes on that Mother F'N Plane!!!

I just got back from tonight's late night showing from Snakes on a Plane. I wasn't able to put up my pre-movie rant, it's alL good though, here were my expectations going into the movie: snakes, a plane, and Samuel L Jackson.

Snakes on a Plane delivers that and so much more. As usual, I'll try to stay away from spoilers and just leave you with some impressions.

Of course, with a first showing the crowd is going to be anxious and enthusiastic and very accepting. Still, I was worried that the hype was overblown and this would turn into a big crapfest. The first 10 minutes or so the audience was laughing at just about every line of dialogue. It immediately sent the message that this movie is f'n ours. The next hour and a half were an absolute blast.

The perceived idea that the creators of S.O.A.P would embrace the schlock and run with it materializes and it works. This movie could have been like every terrible 80's action movie, but with the conscious choice to play the movie for laughs and celebrate the idiocy of the premise, it turns into gold.

All the characters are picked out of the random cliche generator and it's entertainingly bizarre to see Keenan from Goodburger, Dick from Hi-Fidelity, and Cher from the TV version of Clueless all in the same movie

Champ Kind is my Co-Pilot

I was shocked as hell to see Juliana Marguiles in this type of role, but she's awesome. Her years on E.R. really let her become the figure that grounds the movie when it needs to be grounded.

Samuel L. Jackson is the only actor who could have pulled this movie off. He can switch from "ultracool" to "tongue-in-cheek" at the flip of a taser...and yes, he does say the line and yes, the crowd went apeshit.

Seriously, if you are involved with a significant other who huffs and puffs about how stupid the movie looks, leave them at home. You'll have more fun by yourself.

There were so many nice little details in the set design, costuming, and dialogue that made this movie the ultimate cheesefest. There's enough subtle, intentional camp to transform any
unintentional comedy(bad filmmaking) in the movie into genuine laughs. What I thought worked best about S.O.A.P. was that the movie is self-aware of how dumb it is, but it doesn't feel the need to wink at you.

SOAP is the movie equivalent of those wooden statues of the guy with the barrel, whose giant wang flips out when you lift the barrel up. Unbelievably tacky, but you can't help but laugh. If you can't have fun at Snakes on a Plane, I have pity on your soul.

There was a standing ovation at the end of the movie...to whom in particular I don't know. I guess everyone who has adopted and nurtured what should have been box office poison should take a bow. You have now created lightning that Hollywood is going spend years trying to bottle again.

The only thing that can top this is More Snakes on Another Plane.

Tags: The Rant, Movies

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The Rant- Miami Vice

annnnnnd WE'RE BACK!!!!

Okay the bad stuff first. There is no Crockett in this movie. I don't know what happened but Colin Farrell just didn't get the character. He's jittery and a teeny bit manic in some parts of the movie and that's not Crockett at all. Crockett had two settings ultra-cool and hothead which was more often than not prefaced by a "Listen, Pal!" Colin Farrell doesn't hit either of those two levels. In fact there is only one true Crockett moment in the entire movie and it comes near the end.

Jamie Foxx is too good an actor for the part of Rico Tubbs and it showed. His screen presence busted through all the limitations placed on him by past portrayals and he is just bigger than the role. I read a review that said neither of the two actors could hold a candle to the originals...total and utter bullshit. In Colin Farrell's case it's true but comparing Jamie Foxx to Philip Michael Thomas? PUH-LUH-FUCKING-LEESE. Two things that prove this point. Not once in the movie did I say to myself "Man, Tubbs sucks". Try that in ANY Miami Vice episode. There is at least one Tubbs sucks moment. If Tubbs is in it he'll suck at some point. Another thing Philipp Michael Thomas, other than Tubbs, is only known for one other thing , voicing over a Tubbs like character in Grand Theft Auto Vice City. Jamie Foxx could be reprising Wanda the Ugly Woman and still out act PMT.

The reason I have this as a negative is that it really does screw with the dynamic and it bugged me.

Castillo's death stare was replaced by the jowells of doom. Not necessarily bad but thank goodness the Lt. isn't a schmuck.

On the negative side, this movie is totally devoid of humour. I guess Miami is too cool for a few laughs in the oh-six.

The plot fell apart in the last 1/3, but you know that's what sequels are for.

The Good Stuff:

This plays like a big budget modern day movie length version of a Miami Vice episode. Nothing more, nothing less. From the very beginning after the first ten minutes or so you expect the scene to cut to the Jan Hammer theme music. In fact there are quite a few shoutouts to the original series in the plotline. I'm also pretty sure some locations are the same as some classic Miami Vice episodes. Really, it's all there, even the "I just met you, you're one of the bad guys, let's fall in love" subplot.

Visually the movie is amazing. From the angles, to the choice of camera work, to the
depictions of certain scenes, it's absolutley mesmerizing. That more than anything kept me engrossed.

The supporting characters are all there. Trudy gets most of the work. A skinny Gina gets the best line of the film, and Zito..is there. Also perfect casting award for Herc from "The Wire" being cast as Switek.

I have a newfound appreciation for the original series, so I absolutely enjoyed this movie. I can't say how this will play out to those not familiar with with the original. If you hated the original...why are you even reading this?

Tags: Miami Vice, The Rant, Movies

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The Rant- Miami Vice The Pregame show

I was going to avoid this movie like the plague, but after being bombarded with the commercials for the last week and having completed watching seasons one and two in the last few months AND the occasional rerun on Sleuth, I'm giving in. Nostalgia is powerful stuff. This movie is sucking me in like the phone sucks in Mikey from "Swingers". It's probably going to be a bad idea but I can't help it.

The buzz: I've read that this movie is supposed to be horrible and it's a complete disaster and that Colin Farrell and Jamie Foxx have no chemistry.

What PAJ needs:
1) Crocket has to be WAAAY cooler than Tubbs. If they are on equal footing it will blow the dynamic. If you thought that they were on equal footing in the original, watch those episodes again. Tubbs was dorky and terrible and it was clearly Crocket's show. Is Jamie Foxx gonna play a second fiddle effectively?

2) Their supervising officer has to be hardcore. If he's a schmuck it blows the dynamic. One of the best things about Miami Vice was that when Crocket and Tubbs went off on their own you KNEW they were fucking up and that Castillo was going to have their asses.

3) A bad soundtrack can break this movie. Miami Vice ushered in MTV style filmmaking. I'm expecting many scenes will be carried by the music. If the music sucks those scenes will suck.

Oh crap gotta go if I'm gonna make the showing. I'll be back soon for the actual rant.

Tags: Miami Vice, The Rant, Movies

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The Rant- Clerks 2

After deciding a few weeks ago to pass on seeing it in the theaters, I changed my mind went to an early matinee showing of Clerks II. Don't get me wrong I am a huge fan of Kevin Smith's ViewAskewniverse and I've had regular viewings Clerks through J and SBSB and the DVD commentary that accompanied the movies over the last ten years or so. It's just that I am tired of seeing works that meant so much to me being rehashed a decade later in works that fail miserably and also taint the original work in the process. So after experiencing the last three shitty Star Wars Movies, Rocky 5, Godfather 3, andf the recent relaunch of Extreme Championship Wrestling, I thought it might be best to leave this sequel alone and just rewatch the original.

What really added to my cynicism was Smith's swearing up and down that J and SBSB was the final film featuring the ViewAskewniverse characters and that J and SBSB was his love letter to his fans. Of course, one failed film and several grounded projects later he comes back to Dante and Randall. Factor in the self-indulgent seminar DVD's and the Degrassi appearance where he finally gets to kiss his childhood crush Caitlyn Ryan, this sequel had "exploit" and "quick buck" written all over it.

Now I would love to come on here bitching and raving about how much I hated it, but I won't because I didn't. I can't recommend it to those who aren't already Kevin Smith fans. For those reading this who are, if J and SBSB was our love letter from Kevin Smith, then Clerks 2 was the Post Script where he eases up on the cameos, self- references, and farce and goes back to his bread and butter, which is strong dialogue, pop-culture obsessed thematic, and extreme "dick and fart" jokes. So those of you who loved Clerks, should definitely see this movie

I'm not going to spoil anything at all about this movie, just a little caveat though. If parts of the movie seem a little un-Clerks or Kevin Smith like, just think back to ten years ago, chances are you aren't as angry, bitter, or cynical as you used to be. I have a feeling Kevin Smith and his characters don't want to be that way either, but there's still that spark there through most of the film.

Fine, one spoiler...ass to mouth!

Tags: The Rant, Movies, Clerks II

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Superman Returns -The Rant

Okay, I finally got around to watching Superman Returns and I won't say it was the the greatest superhero movie and it certainly isn't the worst, but one thing is for certain ...Superman's a jerk!

SPOILER ALERT
As usual, this isn't a full fledged review, but key points from the movie will be discussed, so stop reading here if you don't wanna be spoiled...but you know you so wanna read more.

Okay, the thing that stood out for me is Superman's relentless ability to act like a toolbox. I mean he's not evil and he does good things, but man, can he be an asshat.

1) Superman crashes back to earth after being away for five years and starts the movie being nursed back to health at his childhood home/farm. His loyal dog scoots him a baseball which in dog language probably means "Hey, master, I've missed you so much since you've been away. Here is my most prized possession. Maybe we can play that game where you throw it and I run and bring it back to you. This is one of the only ways that I can display my true affection towards you. Here's the ball, what do you say?"

What does Superman do? He throws the ball with his super-strength into the horizon rendering it irretrievable. Who does that amuse? The dog? No, only you, you self-centered alien bitch! What was that worth? A smirk, maybe? Way to remind that dog what a jerk you were! I hope he went #2 in your red pirate boots.

2) The premise of someone holding godly powers AND a regular 9 to 5 job has always been a thin one for me. My theory is that Superman only chose to work at the Daily Planet to tap the rich resources of journalistic poon. Nothing in this movie changes my opinion. Case in point, he's back in Metropolis for at least a few hours. Metropolis, by definition, is going to have at least a few murders, accidents, or other varied crimes or emergencies. I mean it's a big city that's how big cities roll. Where does he spend most of his first day back? In a bar...moping. It's not until Lois Lane ends up in trouble that he swoops into action. I guess it means he's down with truth, justice, the American Way, and no-booty havin' reporters. Everyone else, he'll eventually get around to. Jerk!

3) When he does finally perform that first spectacular super deed he guides a 777 airplane into the middle of the baseball stadium. Great, he just saved tens of thousands of lives. Yippee. So he gets a standing ovation in the middle of the baseball stadium since there was a game going on. Then he just flies away. WTF??? He leaves a jumbo jet in the middle of the stadium. It would have taken him five minutes tops to fix the field and move the friggin'' plane. I mean they probably could have even resumed play. What about those fans who paid their hard-earned money to see the game? Sure you'll take their adulation, but screw them if them want to continue watching their baseball game. For all practical purposes it would probably take a human work crew weeks to clear that mess. That would mean games would have to be rescheduled and possibly forfeited causing havoc with the baseball season and possibly affecting the pennant races! Now you're affecting Americana, Jack! What's the matter Superman, you too good for Americana??

4) First, we discover that before Superman left for outer space, he didn't bother to say goodbye to Lois. Does that make him a jerk? To be honest, yes. To be even more honest,no. You can't have it both ways though. If you give Lois the super-piratey Silent Boot and go away for a few years, you can't expect her to have waited for you when you get back. When he finds out that Lois has a kid and is living with Cyclops , what does he do the first night back? He uses his powers of flight, super-hearing, super-vision and super-creepiness to SPY on her and her family. Dude, if your gonna act that crazy at least bring a super-boombox to hold over your head to redeem yourself. Stalker!

5) In the last five years Lois Lane's career has really taken off. She's even won Pulitzer Prize for writing the editorial, "Why the World Doesn't Need Superman." Pretty huge achievement. Now if you are her friend, you'd be proud of her, if you are truly in love with her, it would bring you great happiness to know she is going to be recognized for her excellence. It does not mean you fly her up to the edge of the atmosphere, to give her a massive super-whiny GUILT TRIP!!! So what if you disagree with the article? It's already been printed. All he's doing at this point is taking a super-piss on her parade. This is the night before HER biggest achievement and he makes it all about him. Seriously...JERK!

6) Moments after he's revived on the seaplane, Superman decides that he's got to go back for a final showdown with Kaiser Soze, "Air Raid!", and Kumar. So he makes a speech, flies out of seaplane...but doesn't shut the door! One of the mortals has to risk getting sucked out of the plane just because Superman is an inconsiderate douchebag. Where are your manners Supertool? Where you raised in a barn or something? Oh waitaminit... (for you fans of MTV's the State out there, yes, I was raised in a houseboat in Spain!)

7) This last one didn't settle in until after the movie. The big Supertool move had to be when he took that huge Kryptonian engineered land mass and threw it into space. First of all, he didn't even have the decency to point the landmass towards the sun where it would burn up. Instead, he just launches it into space and lets it go. That means it's eventually gonna hit something or someone. Isn't this the biggest act of littering ever? I hope some tear-crying space Indian comes to earth and kicks Superman's ass because of this.
Second, wouldn't it be beneficial to mankind if you left a technology laden land form on earth? That was the whole reason Lex thought it would be such prime real estate right? Couldn't Superman just tell the U.N. "Hey, focus on this for a day and kill those fucks. I got your back with the rest of the world." Instead, he gets rid of it, because of all that kryptonite. Think about that for a second, he takes away something that would benefit mankind just because it makes him weak. You don't see Batman running around trying to destroy every gun and bullet in the world. No, he deals with it! Stuff can kill Batman, but he deals with it. For Superman, knowing something exists that can kill him is too much for his Super-Ego. Talk about a God complex. Superman has to obliterate what can destroy him, even if it could benefit mankind. Jerk!

8) I'm not an expert on child psychology, but there are probably a million better ways to reveal to your son that you are his real father than sneaking into his bedroom in the middle of the night and lording over his bed. I hope you've got Super-Benefits for the therapy your kid is going to need.

For illustrated versions of Superman being a jerk visit www.superdickery.com

Final Thoughts: There has never been a better acting villainous combo than Kevin Spacey and Parker Posey. Kudos to casting! James Marsden once again has to play wet blanket boyfriend who is threatened by a cooler male character. Brandon Roush's performance...doing a movie long impersonation of someone is acceptable when you're doing a biopic like "Ray", "Ali", or "Man on the Moon", but when your are playing an actor playing a character, all you are doing is reminding the audience that you pale in comparison to him. It dragged on a little but I actually liked the movie as a whole. It just wasn't a home run for me.

Tags: Superman Returns, The Rant, Movies

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