Corey + Corey

I threw myself onto a pop-culture grenade for you folks. I watched *two* episodes of "The Two Coreys."

It's been a Corey summer for me. I've been hecka busy with the move to Cali and all, but I took time out to head to Santa Cruz for a 20th anniversary showing of "The Lost Boys," a flick that should be in the TC&M Hall of Fame.

The Coreys didn't show up for the movie, but you can see them on a crappy pseudo-reality show on A&E.

They claim the show is "scripted reality" like "Curb Your Enthusiasm." Yeah, that might work ... if anyone on the show had talent.

I *loved* the Coreys back in the day ... let's just say time, doughnuts and drugs have taken their toll.

Let me sum up every episode for you. Corey Haim acts like a strung-out slob and generally makes an ass of himself. Then he cries when he realizes he doesn't have a life. Corey Feldman bitches and moans about stains on the carpet and is *completely* whipped by his fame-whore, stalker wife. Stalker wife is so bitchy and annoying she makes the Coreys look cool in comparison.

Seriously -- in an hour of television, this wench made my "People Who Need to Die" list. After watching her blubber about her ruined dinner party with the chick from PETA (Haim ordered pepperoni pizza and then put the moves on PETA chick), I wanted Feldman's bitch stuffed, roasted and served with sweet potatoes.

And what was with the photo shoot where she rolled around in her underwear on a desk covered with Corey photos? Creepy.

Skip the show -- watch "The Lost Boys" again.

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The Rant: The Simpsons Movie

Hmm, a movie based on an animated television show that's still currently running on the air... my response was this, "South Park already did it!" Now I haven't seen a fresh episode of The Simpsons in roughly four seasons, but old school Simpsons is something I can watch all day. I think I hit the Simpsons wall somewhere along the "Grimey" episode and it stopped being a must watch for me. Still, the first ten or so seasons I'll rank up there with the best TV has to offer so I was excited to see the movie and was very curious to see what they would do with the extra hour or so of movie time. As usual this isn't an actual review, just some impressions. There will be spoilers, you are forewarned.

They hit you early in the 20 Century Fox logo with Ralph Wiggum trumpeting in the credits. From there the movie is non-stop gags and one liners. The jokes don't always hit, but there isn't much time to contemplate before the next gag hits. It's the Simpsons so you gotta be on your toes both with the dialog and any on-screen goodness they might try to sneak past you.

The movie plays like a Greatest Hits album. Almost every gag and plot device is a variation we've already seen in the television show. The big glass dome crisis hearkens back to Burns blocking out the sun. Homer's Eskimo vision quest parallels the one he went on with a Johnny Cash voiced Coyote. Simpsons have been the target of a vigilante mob before. Lisa's romance plays like all the others we've seen before as well. Even the style of joke telling is familiar and distinctive and will call back specific episodes. You know what though? It's not a bad thing. The lack of originality is bolstered by the exectution. For example, because of "Joey Joe Joe" I knew exactly what was going to happen the moment Bart doodled on a "Wanted" poster. I also know that Homer + Springfield Gorge is never a good thing. It's not original, but it didn't matter. It still worked. The movie is full of moments like these and instead of feeling tired and hackneyed, it's comforting.

Um, remember when Bart was the focal point of The Simpsons? Anyway after 17 years or so he's now an emo mess. WTF? Anyway, what they decided to do with that extra hour they had to work with by going in depth with the characters more than they ever have. Bart expresses a desire to be loved. Marge shows that she has a tipping point in her marraige. Homer accepts a guilt based responsibility. There were some touching moments, but the feeling was like when you hang around too long with your drinking buddies and all of a sudden they start talking about their real problems. It's just a tad unsettling.

Cameos! Green Day meeting their demise was cool and Tom Hanks's bit was my favorite in the movie. The only gripe I have is that I would have rather them use President Ranier Wolfcastle rather than his real life allegory President Schwarzenegger. It didn't seem right since they didn't even use the Guvenators voice.

All the bit players are back! From Gabbo to Drederick Tatum to Jacques the Bowling Lothario. I coulda used a little more Disco Stu though.

They did go the adult route on a few occasions. I could have lived forever without ever seeing Bart's wenus. Homer giving the finger was great. Otto took a big bong hit. Marge belted out a "goddamn". I remember the days when The Simpsons were seen as radical and now their extremes are still well below the tamest South Park episodes.

Still if you enjoy the Simpsons you'll enjoy the movie. They did it right this time.

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Songs You Should Know: Mistah FAB- Ghost Ride It!

If there's anything I hate, it's admitting I missed the boat on some really cool stuff. Well yeah, since I've been relying on local radio for music, my exposure to stuff out of the Yay has been limited to E-40 and that "Fast like a NASCAR" song. So I missed this three minutes of awesome from Mistah FAB. Now I had been familiar with Ghost Ridin' for awhile so it was just a matter of time until they came out with an instructional song for it. I just missed it. I'm yo part-time sucka

Apparently this video has been anned for using the Ghostbusters logo in the video. Doesn't matter much since I haven't watched MTV or BET for months. Still a buddy of mine passed this on and even though it doesn't usually meet the criteria of current or forgotten oldie I had to put it down. There isn;t much I can say besides this video kick ass. So here's Ghost Ride It, by Mistah FAB. By the way if you don't appreciate the Patrick Swayze line, get the hell off my blog.

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The Rant: Transformers

If there's anything you can count on is Hollywood fucking up your childhood. So the last year or so I've been staying away from all the Transformers hype. No AICN, no comicbookmovies.com, nothing. All I knew going into this movie was that Bumblebee was going to be a Camaro instead of a VW BUG, the Optimus Prime would be voiced by the original cartoon voice and that Jazz was going to be one of the Autobots featured in the movie. Okay, first of all, I was a total Transformers junkie. Every day after school it was Transformers, G.I. Joe, and Thundercats. Every day. My first Transformer I ever bought was Jazz, back then he was a Porsche racing car, he was followed by dozens, but Jazz was and always will be my favorite. So my mantra as I was waiting for the movie to start was "Please don't suck".

There are going to be a bunch of spoilers and as usual this is not a review, just some impressions.

From the opening seconds, the fanboy inside of me was pumped. Hearing Optimus Prime narrate the opening set the bar incredibly high. I can honestly say that this movie did not disappoint when it came to providing nostalgic moments. Big props for using the original transforming sound effect from the cartoons. Having a VW Bug smacked my the movie Bumblebee was great. Having Jazz carry on a "black" persona... corny, but appreciated. Devestator's name still has that "Oh Shit!" aura about it. The best nod to the old Transformers was Optimus barking the line "One Shall Stand, One shall fall" I wanted to get out of my seat and start belting out "You've go the touch, you've got the powerrrr YEAH!

Holy crap is Megan Fox smokin'! If I could buy stock in her I would. Man, she's like the second coming of Jennifer Connelly, but with proportionate boobs. Seriously, I could not take my eyes off her yo!

The Bumblebee-Sam duo's characterization surprised me. Glad they made them a little tougher than in the cartoons. In the cartoons, Spike and Bumblebee were 100% cat. Sam loses points though for throwing his friend out of the car so he can give Megan Fox a ride home.

This movie had some unbelievable CGI, but some of the robots were hard to tell apart. At times it seemed a bit much but then again, It's Michael Bay. How he rolls is in slow motion with a setting sun in the background as the music build to a crescendo...yo.

I would have liked to have seen Anthony Anderson used a little bit better. The guys been in some of my favorite movies over the last few years. He should have at least gotten some nookie off the blonde. Oh well, at least he didn't get shot in the head this time.

There were quite a few "Autobots are jerks" moments. Bumblebee pulls off to a makeout point playing "Sexual Healing" . Ironhide nearly kills a Chihuahua. Optimus is a klutz who wrecks Sam's yard. Ratchet says out loud that Sam's wants to mate with the girl. Ratchet "peeing" on John Turturro. They aren't quite Superman level, but those Autobots can be jerks.

There's a scene where Sam finds out that Megan Fox had a a juvie record and he gets all self righteous and betrayed. I call bullshit. He's known her for two days and he wants to act indignant over a secret? Like a juvie record doesn't make her that much hotter? She has Daddy issues and you want to turn her away? Seriously, yo. Bullshit.

Worst moment of the movie: I'm not going to totally spoil it, but if I want to go as Jazz for Halloween this year I'm going to need a buddy to complete the costume. Stupid Megatron! I guess even black robots can't escape the "black guy always dies in science fiction movie" cliche.

The final scene had Sam and Megan Fox canoodling on Bumblebee's hood. Since he's like their pal, isn't that close to being a creepy threesome?

Anyway, I loved this movie and I have high hopes for the Transformers franchise. Still, if hear that Judd Nelson is going to be in the sequel, all bets are off.

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Tortilla Chips and Milk Hall of Fame Showdown!

Aight suckas I was checking out some upcoming DVD releases and I saw two must haves for the TC and M collection. Both Monster Squad and Robocop are releasing 20th anniversary special editions. Yeah, I know, "Holy Shit!" Both of these movies have two awesome lines that have yet to be canonized into the TC and M Hall of Fame. Since we'll be celebrating our nation's independence, I figured we'd be democratic about this. So I present to you our first TC and M Hall of Fame showdown.

"Wolfman's got Nards" vs "Bitches leave"

Contender #1


"Wolfman's got nards" - The Monster Squad
Pros: Is there any quicker way to comedy gold than this equation: Wolfman+Kick to the Jimmy? The definitive line of this movie. Even if peeps haven't seen this movie they know the line. You relive the scene every time you hear this line.
Cons: It was a flippin kids movie. The line itself doesn't have that much utility in common conversation.
Best usage of line in everyday life: Someone in your present company gets hit in the nards. Said while the guy is reeling in pain.

Contender #2


"Bitches leave" - Robocop
Pros: Simplicity and delivery. The fact that it's delivered by the future Red Forman in a huge plus.
Cons: If you get the delivery right people get it immediately. If you get the delivery wrong, you're a rude motherfucker. Some people would think that "I'd buy that for a dollar" is the definitive Robocop line. They may be suckas but they do exist.
Best usage of the line in everyday life: There are bitches in your present company and you want them to leave.

Tags: Wolfman's got nards, Bitches leave

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Songs You Should Know: Lean Like a Cholo - Down

Aight suckas, I don't know if this song went national or not but if you have a local hip-hop y mas station you've heard this friggin song eight times a day for the last two months.

Seriously yo, I can't help but be laughin now when I see some ese get down like this in the club. It's this summer's rockaway, but instead of leaning back it's elbows out side to side. As for the video its good. Real good. Good and terrible. I do like how they have the obligatory "look even white guys can do this dance" scene. Enjoy.

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The Rant: Knocked Up

There are certain eras where a filmmaker puts out movies that cross over exactly into what I want out of movies at that specific time. There’s the Kevin Smith era, the Cameron Crowe era, the Quentin Tarantino era, the Richard Linklater era…After Talladega Nights, The 40 Year Old Virgin, and now, Knocked Up, I think TC and M is heading into the Judd Apatow era.

So, I caught Knocked Up over the weekend with medium sized expectations. When the leads are hot, but annoying Izzie from shitty Grey’s Anatomy and one half of the “You wanna know how I know you’re gay?” guys from 40 Year Old, you can’t help but be a little leery. All fears were set aside as soon as I heard “Shimmy Shimmy Ya” by Ol’ Dirty Bastard over the opening credits. As usual this isn’t an actual review, just some observations, and it this case it’s actually a celebration, bitches!

Paul Rudd and Seth Rogan need to be in every movie. All of them. I don’t care if their in the corner throwing lines like “You look like Babe Ruth’s brother, GAYbe Ruth”. Just having them on-screen talking shit gives a movie a plus for authenticity.

As a sucker for relationship movies, “Knocked Up” is one of the more genuine depictions of a relationship I’ve ever seen. The four main characters are all loveable, contempt worthy, compassionate, and self destructive all at the same time. The great thing is that “Knocked Up” gives the characters the time to let them earn it. The movie doesn’t make judgments either. It just lays the situation out there and let’s you confront your own views of relationships to make a decision. You don’t feel a certain way just because they tell you to. Compare this to the atrocious Last Kiss I saw last year.
There are a lot of “OMG this is my life” scenes in “Knocked Up”. Two in particular stood out.

There’s a bit where Leslie Mann’s character is telling Heigl how to deal with a man in a relationship. It involved continually pointing out the man’s shortcomings to the point he feels so bad about himself he has to change. It was like she was reading from the handbook of “Women who have dated Paj”. Needless to say I quivered out of anger in that sequence.

The second scene involved Leslie Mann trailing Paul Rudd thinking he’s having an affair, only to find out he’s been lying to sneak away for a Rotisserie Baseball draft. Now this happened to me TWICE! Not exactly how it happened in the movie, but on two separate occasions and two separate girlfriends I was busted trying to fly to my Fantasy Football draft and not telling them. Both times it led me to not going. It directly led to my being dumped the last time it happened. It’s awesome decision making on my part that can explain why my football team is stuck being named after a homosexual Japanese singing group for yet another year. Well on the bright side, I have a career winning percentage of 37%.

“Oooh Baby I like it Raw” - Anyone that hears me speak in a non-professional setting knows that I have a pretty fuckin’ bad potty mouth. Well after watching the fuckin’ movie I feel like I’m mutherfuckin’ not so fuckin’ bad after all. Really, the dialogue is fuckin fuckin every other fuckin word at times. Thanks for fuckin keepin it fuckin real, yo!

The bit players in “Knocked Up” have some great scene stealing moments. Kristen Wiig from SNL is great as a passive aggressive corporate monkey. B.J. Novak has a great moment of inappropriate smooth. Some guy does a Jabba the Hutt impersonation that the person two rows in front of me is still laughing about as we speak. Still the best cameo is by Craig Robinson aka Darryl from The Office. His doorman scene was the shizzle. There aren’t many actors who can pull off consoling someone by telling them “if I could I’d take you home and turn that old ass out” or something to that effect. One of my favorite scenes in the movie. Dinkum Flicka, yo!

I know there are other reasons for this, but the fact that Katherine Heigl’s bra stayed on even during the sex scenes actually helped the movie. As in, subconsciously there’s still a level of acceptance that hasn’t been reached yet and, hopefully, as the relationship evolves, someday Seth Rogan will get to have sex with her AND see her naked boobies.

Oh yeah, there’s a crowning shot. Wait no there’s actually two. It’s like the Franks and Beans scene from There’s Something About Mary for women.
Really, yo. See this movie. I’ll be busy putting this on the TC and M Mt. Rushmore.

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