WWE Monday Night Raw: "Donald" vs. "Rosie"

Sunday night I was sitting through a pretty good New Year's Revolution PPV when out of nowhere Vince McMahon starts rambling about the feud between Donald and Rosie and how he'd love to have them settle their differences on RAW. I ignored it, but I guess everything in the WWE everything has a purpose, except of course when it comes to creating logical programs, new stars, and feuds that people want to pay to see. So here we are Monday Night Raw featuring Donald Trump "The Brash Billionaire" vs. Rosie O'Donnell "The Left-Leaning Lesbian". Yes, they actually used those terms. TV God are you there? It's me, Paj. Please let a lightening storm hit the transmitter so this doesn't air. No suck luck. So live from St. Louis, the former home of wrestling that was so sports-like that Bob Costas used to cover it, it's this bullshit.

We get our first look at "Rosie" and it's a bad lookalike. Probably an independent female wrestler who is gonna get the biggest payday of her life. So it looks like we're going the parody route here. Let's see...with Rosie there's the fat thing, the lesbian thing, the opinionated liberal thing, maybe they'll take the high road a little here and stick to the opinionated liberal thing. That's enough to get fans in the Midwest riled up it's a loud mouthed, female, liberal,New Yorker, right? Ugh, it turns out one of the items in Fake-Rosie's rider was a Carvel Fudgie the Whale Ice Cream Cake. 'Cause she's fat. And she likes fudge. Fat. Fudge. Guffaw!

Oh yeah, don't forget that she's fat and a lesbian. So here she is holding an ice cream sandwich and she's going to head into the WWE Divas' locker room. Ice cream AND fitness models. Fat AND lesbian. HAHAHA I can't stand it. She's a fat lesbian! I have pee pants now! 'Cause real life Rosie is fat and she's a lesbian! Kill. Me. Now.

Let's see, two fat jokes one lesbian joke. Oh here's the second lesbian joke. Fake Rosie checks out Maria while she's bent over. LESBIAN! Real life Rosie is a lesbian! Lesbians = Hillarity!

Okay now it's Donald Trump's turn for the WWE junior lampooning. Sure he's hosted two WrestleMania's, but this is comedy right? All's fair, yo. Let's see...there's the Ivana thing, the Marla thing, the possibly not a real billionaire thing, the shitty reality show thing, the huckster thing. Lots of targets. WWE decides to go with the...bad hair thing? That's it. Bad Hair. It's not even implied that it's a hairpiece just heavily hair sprayed hair. That's it. Hmm. If one of these two were possibly negotiating to be part of an upcoming wrestling extravaganza such as WrestleMania, which one would you guess?

On to match time! Vince McMahon actually uses the phrase "Double Chin Diva" and "Lesbionic Fury" in Fake Rosie's introduction. Ya know, just in case we forgot that she's fat and lesbian. Her entrance music is this frumpy sounding tuba music and the Titantron shows a montage of very unflattering pictures.

Donald Trump on the other hand gets the WWE Superstar treatment with the graphics and the press release quality photos. He also gets the Money Money Money, MOH-NAY song from the Apprentice. The Apprentice also gets a plug as Jim Ross let's us know that he's a fan of the show. You can bet on wrestling by the way, and I regret not having the foresight to bet on this match.

Now I've endured lots of horrible, intelligence-defaming, sights as a lifelong wrestling fan. I've sat through the Ding Dongs, a wrestler dressed like Freddy Krueger who scared the bad guys, a black wrestler named G.I. Bro, a Judy Bagwell on a pole match, an old lady who gave birth to a plastic hand, a "fat chick" thriller, David Arquette as World Champion, the Gobbledy Gooker, the American Males, Lex Luger wearing FUBU, Konnan's rap videos...I've sat through alot and not once was I ever not proud to be a wrestling fan. I'm this close...

The look a likes are obviously trained wrestlers and they put on a basic monster vs. smaller guy match. Rosie has the size advantage so she starts the match pushing Donald to the mat and mounting him with punches. They don't attribute that to the lesbian thing. She didn't try to fist him either, which is the joke I would have gone for. Donald get the upper hand though with head butts because apparently his hair is like a helmet, because it's got so much hairspray in it. Hear that clicking sound? That's the sound of Trump's legal department preparing complaints. Bad hair. BURN! Donald tries to lifter hut falls back. Because...sigh...

Now for those of you who have a low opinion of pro-wrestling/sports entertainment fans, you must know the live crowd is pretty pissed off about this. Chants such as "This match sucks", "Boring", "We want wrestling" were audibly noticeable. There was even a call for the WWE's competitor as a spirited "TNA" chant started as well. Back to the match...
Since Fake Donald can't put Fake Rosie away with a body slam he get the next best thing. Fudgie.

Yes fatty fat fake Rosie had to bring her cake to ringside which makes no sense because if she were as fat and lesbian as they made her out to be, Fudgie would be history by now. Fake Rosie gets a pretty mean shot of Fudgie to the face.

Fake Donald follows it up with a main event worthy swan dive hair butt for the win.



I really don't know what say anymore. Fake Rosie's picture pretty might as well be a picture of my soul right now. There was still an hour of Raw to air. I heard Team RKO and Shawn Michaels had a great promo segment and John Cena wrestled in the main event. I wouldn't know. I turned the channel.

Tags: WWE, Raw, Rosie, Donald