It's a flashback extravaganza! Or maybe it's a time travel extravazanza! Or a time forward ... hell, I'm confused.
The best way to not tell the viewers anything is to spend a whole danged hour on stuff that already happened. Thanks, "Lost" -- you suck.
And didn't ABC already think the "Groundhog Day" concept was so fascinating that they did an entire show about it? Oh yeah, they did -- and it got canceled. I think I can predict the future of "Lost."
Anyway ...
Charlie and Hurley (hey, remember them?) are digging through Sawyer's stash. "Dude," Hurley says, "I (dude) don't (dude) think (dude) we (dude) should (dude) do (dude) this. Dude!" Charlie argues that people need what's in the stash -- food, medical supplies and "shocking amounts of pornography."
Desmond walks up and says that Charlie needs to come with him, oh, and Hurley can tag along too. Charlie asks if that means they found Eko, but Desmundo ain't talking.
Desmond takes them into the jungle, where they hook up with Sayid and Locke. Locke tells them Eko is dead and buried, and that the Island killed him. Charlie's all WTF? but Locke just says that Charlie knows what he means.
Locke says that with Jack gone the Lostaways are on edge, and that they'll look to Charlie and Hurley to know how to react to Eko's death. Locke wants them to help keep the calm.
Yeah, because in any stressful situation my role models are a washed-up, heroin- addicted British musician and a guy that says "Dude" a lot.
Desmond's looking antsy, and as Hurley asks what's wrong with him, Des takes off running toward the beach. Then he drops trou and starts swimming out into the ocean.
Everyone stands there stupidly and watches. Sun wanders by, holding Aaron. Charlie asks her where Claire is, because he hasn't stalked Claire for like an hour and he needs to catch up. Sun says she went for a walk.
Charlie takes off at a run for the ocean, and gets there just as Desmond pulls Claire out of the surf. Charlie's all up in Desmond's grill for touching his girl, but Des ignores him and continues giving the poor woman CPR.
Charlie wants to know how Desmond knew Claire was drowning -- Charlie's been stalking her for months, and he didn't know! Hurley watches Des carry Claire back to came, and says "Dude, that guy sees the future. Dude."
Later, Desmond sits on the beach looking at the picture of him and Penny at a marina. Claire sits beside him, and says Penny's pretty, and wants to know her name. "Penny ... Penelope," Des says.
And yes, I know that's a big clue, but I'm not getting into a discussion of "The Odessey" right now. I don't wanna -- you can't make me.
Claire starts to talk about her near drowning, but Charlie comes up, holding Aaron, and reminds her that she gets a beating for every word she speaks to another man.
She apologizes to Charlie, thanks Desmond for saving her life, and leaves.
Hurley and Charlie are plotting. They want to know the truth about Desmond. "Locke doesn't know about anything except knives and fishing," Hurley says.
Charlie doesn't think there's anything to know -- if Desmond can see the future, why would he be crashed on this bloody Island? "You do realize," Hurley says, "he'll know you have to have a plan before you can come up with it, Dude?"
He says "Dude" a lot.
Charlie's got a plan for dulling Desmond's precognitive powers, the same powers he said didn't exist two seconds ago. His plan? Alcohol. He digs a bottle of Scotch out of Sawyer's stash.
Charlie and Hurley wander up to Desmond with their most innocent looks. Hurley nudges Charlie until he apologizes to Desmond for being a dick, and thanks him for rescuing his honey. He offers to seal the truce with booze, but Des declines, saying he's been drunk too much lately.
Charlie gets all huffy, and Des asks what kind of Scotch it is. Charlie says it's "McCutcheon," and Desmond tells him to pass the bottle over. Apparently, he's a discerning drunk.
Charlie, Hurley and Desmond get rip-roaring drunk around a campfire and sing British drinking songs. I wonder where *everyone* else on the Island is during this little display -- maybe they hit the day spa?
Now that Des is good and likkered up, Charlie hits him with the big question: How did he know Claire was drowning? Desmond says he could hear her calling for help, but Hurley points out that he was waaaaay over there in the jungle.
So Charlie asks him about the lightning -- could he hear that, too? Desmond built his golf club lightning rod outside Claire's tent, and two hours later lightning hits it.
Maybe Charlie should be *grateful* someone has saved his honey twice, instead of getting all pissy about it.
But no, he's gotta be pissy. Desmond tries to get up and walk away, but Charlie won't let him.
"Hey I don't know what you're doing, you best tell us," Charlie says. "You think because you turned some key that makes you a hero? You're no hero, brother. I don't know how you're doing what it is that you're doing, but I know a coward when I see one."
Desmond tackles Charlie, and they have a drunken Brit fight. Hurley interjects his most indignent "Duuuude!" Desmond tells Charlie he doesn't want to know what happened to him.
Flashback? Time jump?
The hatch alarm is going off, and Desmond finds the key and goes below the hatch, telling Locke he'll see him in another life.
Things start flying across the room, attracted to the magnet. Desmond opens the security system, says "I love you, Penny," and turns the key.
A bunch of scenes flash before his eyes. When he wakes up, he's lying on the floor, covered in red paint. Penny is there, and she gives him ice for his head.
He asks what happened, and she tells him not to paint the ceiling drunk. He's all "this is my flat," and Penny says that if he wants her to live there, he should call it "our flat." She asks him if anything's wrong, and he says no.
Later, he's getting dressed, and he's got to do that lame "I can't tie my tie" bit that is required for guys on TV. The clock reads 1:08, and yes, the timer in the hatch was 108 minutes.
Penny helps him dress himself, and points out that he doesn't have to get a job from her father. He says he wants her dad to respect him.
And since we already *know* that Penny's dad thinks Des is a loser, do we really have to go through all this *again*??
Yes, yes we do. Sigh. I wonder what happened on "Idol" this week?
Penny says it's not the end of the world if her dad doesn't like him -- she knows he's gonna hate Des too. She's interrupted by the beep, beep, beep of the timer in the hatch.
Penny opens the microwave, and the beeping stops. She asks Desmond again if something is wrong, but he says it's just deja vu.
Desmond tells a receptionist he's there to see Mr. Widmore. A delivery guy walks up, and says he's got a package for 815. (the number of the Oceanic plane, and a bunch of other things.) Des wigs and makes him repeat it twice, even though the package isn't for him.
Desmond flashes on the numbers in the computer, the execute button, and the timer resetting to 108.
In Widmore's office, Des looks at a painting of a polar bear. The word "Namaste" is written backwards at the top.
Widmore isn't impressed. Desmond was an actor? Uh, no -- he built sets for the Royal Shakespeare Company. He also didn't finish college, and he didn't serve in the military. His resume blows.
Desmond comments on a model sailboat, and Widmore says his foundation is sponsoring a race around the world. Des flashes on being on his sailboat in the storm, seeing the boat in the cove on the island, and a dead and bloody Clancy Brown.
Widmore says he'll give him a job in administration, but Desmond says he didn't really come for that -- he's been banging Widmore's daughter for two years, and now he'd like to marry her.
Widmore gets a bottle of scotch, commenting that it's a 60-year old McCutcheon, named after a retired admiral, who was a great man. Widmore puts two glasses on the desk, but only pours scotch into one of them. "This swallow is worth more than you could make in a month," Widmore says. "To share it with you would be a waste and a disgrace to the great man who made it. Because you, Hume, will never be a great man."
If he won't drink with you, I don't think he wants you marrying his daughter.
Desmond pouts outside. He walks up to a musician busking on the street and what do ya know? It's Charlie!
Desmond wants to know how he knows Charlie. Charlie says he doesn't know, but he'll make something up if Desmond helps him. Desmond flashes to the hatch with the timer going off. Charlie walks in and says, "Can I get some help?"
Des helpfully points out that Charlie's name is Charlie, which is also on the sign at his feet, so it's not like that was hard to figure out.
Desmond flashes to the island. He sees Clancy Brown in his yellow suit, Clancy Brown dead, the timer reaching zero, the computer saying system failure, the execute button, and stuff flying towards the magnet in the hatch.
Des says he's knows Charlie -- they were on a Island, there was a computer and a button.
Charlie points out that England is an island, and it probably has computers and buttons. Des says it was real, and Charlie jokes to the crowd that "this is why we don't do drugs," which is funny, because Charlie did lots and lots of drugs.
Desmond turns on the crazy. "No, I remember. This all happened before! Today happened before! I remember! He said I wasn't worthy, and then I came down and I took off my tie and then I lost my tie and then Penny said where was it, and then it started to rain and then ..."
It begins to rain. Everyone runs for cover but Desmond.
Des meets his buddy Donovan at a library. Des asks him what he knows about time travel.
Later, in a bar, Donovan tells Des he's bonkers. Des says he wants to know if time travel is possible, from a physics standpoint.
Donavan laughes at him. "Penny's father berates you for not being a great man and voila you've dreamed a future where you push a button to save the world."
Des swears it's all true, but that he only remembers bits and pieces. He remembers the song on the jukebox, and who wins the soccer game on TV, and that some guy is gonna come in and beat up the bartender with a cricket bat. Desmond tells Don to watch the TV -- the team is about to score its first goal. They watch, but the goal is blocked.
No guy with a cricket bat, either -- two girls walk in. Donovan tells Desmond there is no such thing as time travel, and true love's pretty hard to find. He advises Desmond to stop messing around and marry Penny.
Penny wakes up when Desmond gets home. She's pretty understanding, considering he's unemployed and smells like a pub. She says he's been saved from a miserable existance at her father's company, and wants to take him out for lobster to celebrate.
Des isn't the mood to celebrate, but Penny says he's a good man and she loves him -- that's reason enough to party.
Later, Desmond goes to a pawn shop to look at engagement rings. The woman behind the counter helps him pick one out, and he says he'll take it. She says he doesn't, and asks for the ring back.
Des is confused. That makes two of us. The woman says he doesn't buy the ring -- he has second thoughts, he gives it back and leaves. So have second thoughts, give it back and leave, already!
Not only does the woman know Desmond's name, she knows quite a bit about him and his future. He doesn't marry Penny -- he breaks her heart. He enters the sailing race, crashes on the Island, and spends three years pushing a button until he turns the failsafe key. "And if you don't do those things, Desmond David Hume, every single one of us is dead! So give me that sodding ring!"
Desmond is ... suspicious. So she takes him out for chestnuts. Outside, she points out a man in red shoes. Desmond thinks she's his subconscious -- that he has a concussion, and that his brain has taken old woman form to talk him out of marrying Penny. And that it's not going to work.
Scaffolding crashes down behind them, crushing red shoe guy dead. Desmond asks the woman if she knew that was going to happen, and she says she did. He asks her why she didn't save him.
"Because it wouldn't matter," mysterious pawn shop woman says. "Had I warned him about the scaffolding tomorrow he'd be hit by a taxi. If I warned him about the taxi, he'd fall in the shower and break his neck. The universe, unfortunately has a way of course correcting. That man was supposed to die. That was his path. Just as it's your path to go to the island. You don't do it because you choose to, Desmond, you do it because you're supposed to."
Desmond says he's going to go marry Penny. The woman says he won't and that pushing the button is the only great thing he'll ever do. That's depressing.
Desmond sees a poster for the military, that says "Become a man you can become proud of."
He meets Penny at the pier, where a guy wants to take their picture. They chose a marina backdrop -- it's the picture he was looking at on the beach. Penny pays, because Desmond doesn't have any money.
Desmond says he can't go through with everything. He doesn't have a job, and she deserves someone better. Penny says she loves him, but Desmond says being a good man isn't enough, and neither is love.
They argue, and she leaves crying. Desmond throws the ring into the river.
Back at the pub, Desmond sees a bottle of McCutcheon scotch, but orders the cheapest beer they've got. Desmond tells the bartender he's just made the biggest mistake of his life, and he's pretty sure he's made it before.
The song plays on the jukebox again. The team on the TV scores. Desmond realizes he was remembering the wrong night, and thinks he's still got time to change things. He rejoices.
A guy comes with a cricket bat. Desmond tells the bartender to duck, and he does. Desmond gets creamed with the bat instead, and falls to the floor. He sees his hand turning the failsafe key.
Desmond wakes up naked in the jungle, surround by debris from the hatch. He finds the picture of Penny, and begs for the chance to go back and do it again. He'll get it right -- this time.
Back on the Island, Hurley breaks up the Brit fight. "You can't change it, no matter what you try to do, you can't change it," Desmond says. Charlie and Hurley decide he's drunk, crazy or both, and go to help him back to his tent.
Desmond apologizes for trying to strangle Charlie, and says he's a good man. Charlie apologizes for calling Desmond a coward. Awww, young love.
Charlie tells Des he still wants to know what in hell is going on. Desmond says that when he turned the failsafe key, his life flashed before his eyes. Then he was back in the jungle, but the flashes didn't stop. Charlie asks him if the flashes helped him save Claire.
"I wasn't saving Claire, Charlie. I was saving you. This morning you dove in after Claire. You tried to save her, but you drowned," Desmond says.
Charlie's confused -- he stood on the beach like an idiot.
"When I saw the lightening hit the roof, you were electrocuted," Desmond says. "And when you heard Claire was in the water, you drowned trying to save her. I dove in the water so that you wouldn't. I tried, brother. I've tried twice to save you, but the universe has a way of course correcting and I can't stop it forever.
"I'm sorry, because no matter what I try to do, you're gonna die, Charlie."
Sorry Charlie! But I wouldn't worry too much, because at the pace this show is going, you'll be alive for 30 years or so.
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