Lost: Not In Portland

OK, OK, so I'm late. Sue me. I'll catch up when I can.

Not like I was reviewing that "Grease" show, or anything ...

Flashback opening!

Juliet sits on a beach, looking all misty-eyed and deep in thought. I'm already bored. Seriously, I could think of characters I'm *less* interested in than Juliet, but it's a pretty short list.

Not the best way to start the season again after a multi-month hiatus.

So Jules walks down a long hallway, and who does she pass but Ethan? Hmm -- that boy is everywhere!

She heads into a room where a woman in an "I've got cancer" headscarf is sleeping. The woman wakes up, and Juliet harasses her about sleeping with candles burning, which is a pretty dumb thing to do. Juliet says something about "we don't have to keep doing this," and gives the woman a shot in her tummy.

Woman complains that Juliet is a lousy doctor, and Juliet says she's not her doctor, she's her sister. Juliet wants the woman, Rachel, to come live with her, but Rachel says she likes the beach. Juliet says that in Miami, everything is on the beach.

Back in the Others Operating Theater and Zoo, the machines hooked up to Ben go beep, beep, beep. Jack's talking to Kate on the radio. He tells her she's got about an hour, and to take Sawyer and go. Kate whines, and we get to hear all about that damn story Jack told her on the beach and "I can't leave without you!" again. Drama queens.

In the cage, Sawyer punches Danny. Another guy puts a gun to Kate, making him the 50th person on the Island to do so. He wins free car washes for a year. Then Tough Kate makes a guest appearance and knocks the gun out of his hand and elbows him to the ground.

In the operating room, Zeke orders Juliet to fix what Jack did to Ben. Jack says she can't -- she's not a surgeon. Juliet pulls off her surgical mask and says he's right.

Back at the zoo, Sawyer beats the pie out of Danny, until Kate pulls him off and says its time to go. Sawyer smacks Danny off the shock button until he starts to convulse, then he and Kate lock Danny and the other guy in the cage and run away.

Zeke asks Juliet for suggestions. She tells him to get Danny and a couple of other guys and go round up Kate and Sawyer -- kill them, if they have to. Jack says if they do that, he'll let Ben die. Juliet says he won't.

Flashback!

Juliet's going into a restricted research center at Miami Central University. It's obviously after hours -- no one else is around and most of the lights are off.

She gets a phone call (we find out her last name is Burke) from someone who wants to confirm her appointment tomorrow. Someone named Dr. Alpert is very anxious to meet her.

Juliet sneaks into a lab and starts to take some vials. She hides when the door opens and the light comes on. A man and a woman enter, and start to make out -- "Want to see my cellular centrifuge?" must be a big pickup line in Miami.

Juliet's phone rings -- hey Jules, when skulking about, put your phone on vibrate! The man comes over and catches her crawling behind cabinets. He asks why she's here and she lies and says she needed to finish some work.

Floozy pouts, and the guy, Ed, introduces her to Juliet, his ex-wife. He asks Juliet to turn out the lights as she leaves.

In the operating room, Juliet tells Jack that his plan can't work, because they're not on the Island, they're on a smaller one nearby. Zeke backs her up. She wants to negotiate, but Jack's all "how come you wanted me to kill Ben?" Juliet tells Zeke Jack's full of it, but Zeke orders her to leave the operating room. As she leaves, Juliet tells Zeke that Jack will never let a patient die.

Danny wakes up, and random Other guy lets him and the guy Kate beat up out of the cage.

Kate and Sawyer run like bunnies through the jungle, and reach the edge of the island. Kate helpfully suggests they need a boat. "Yeah, and towels and a buffet lunch," Sawyer snipes. I hear ya, Sawyer -- she's not the brightest one, is she?

Kate calls Jack on the radio and says they need a boat. She's talking like she's got all the time in the world, and Saywer's trying to get her to hurry up. Jack asks Zeke how they can get off the island, but I don't think Zeke's in a helpful mood.

The radio gets knocked out of Kate's hand by a rock. Danny runs out of the jungle. Sawyer shoots at him. The two random Others have guns, and shoot back. It looks like an episode of "A-Team" -- these people couldn't hit the broad side of a barn.

The Others chase Kate and Sawyer through the jungle. Sawyer hides behind a tree and tries to shoot again, but he's out of bullets. Other guy is going to shoot Kate, but gets hit in the face by a rock. It's Alex and her Slingshot o'Doom.

Alex leads them to a little underground hidey-hole, and they watch the Others look for them.

Zeke asks Jack if the stuff about Juliet wanting Ben dead is true. Jack says it is, and that she's going to get her wish. Ben -- who since he's having MAJOR SURGERY should really be unconscious, interjects and asks to talk to Jules. Reality has just flown out the window ... again.

Flashback!

Juliet's at a computer. Floozy comes up and says Ed wants to see her in his office. Apparently, Floozy's got a new job at the research center. She must give great microscope.

Ed tells Juliet that he knows what she's up to, and he wants a cut. Her research is brilliant and ethically questionable, maybe even criminal. He'll cover up for her, but he wants half of the money and credit for the work.

Zeke tells Juliet that Ben's awake and wants to see her. Jack's a doctor, not an anesthesiologist, dammit!

Alex tells Kate and Sawyer she's got a boat, and she'll let them use it. Sawyer's suspicious -- anything good is probably a trap. Alex says they're a catch -- her boyfriend was the guy who was in the zoo way back when Sawyer was first there, and the Others are holding him hostage. Alex will give them the boat if they spring her sweetie.

Jack tells Ben he's stopped the surgery. Ben already knows -- he knows everything, remember? Jack won't leave Juliet alone with him, but Ben says if he's only got 27 minutes to live, he might as well get to talk to Jules. Jack warns Juliet not to touch Ben.

Jack watches Ben from the observation room with Zeke, who introduces himself as Tom. Bah, I'm gonna keep calling him Zeke. Ben talks, and Juliet cries. Zeke says "they've got history."

Juliet comes in and tells Jack to put Ben back under and finish the surgery. Jack wants to know why, and Juliet says that if he does, she'll help Kate and Sawyer escape.

Flashback!

Dr. Alpert from a company called Mittelos Bioscience (rearrange the letters in "Mittelos" and you get "Lost Time") is showing Juliet a happy, shiny slideshow about his company. They want her to come work for them. She doesn't know why. He asks if she successfully impregnated a male field mouse, which is quite a trick. Juliet says the mouse didn't carry to term.

Alpert shows her a slide and asks her opinion. Juliet says its a human womb, probably from a woman in her 70s. Alpert says the woman is 26, and that Juliet would have all the money and resources she would want to research the condition.

Juliet says she can't -- her ex won't let her. Alpert says they'll talk to him, but Juliet says it would only work if Ed got hit by a bus. Then she cries and leaves. Worst job interview ever.

Back in the compound, Juliet looks over Ben's televisions of wisdom until she finds Kate, Sawyer and Alex, who are sneaking up on a small house.

There is a guard out front, and Alex says his name is Aldo. She thinks her boyfriend, Karl, is being held inside. Sawyer wants to know how they're gonna get past Aldo with one gun and no bullets.

Kate gets an idea. They walk up to the house -- Kate and Sawyer have their hands tied behind their backs, and Alex has the gun pointed at them. She tells Aldo she caught them, and to open up.

Aldo's jumpy. He says Alex isn't supposed to be there, and that her dad won't like it. She bluffs and says her dad is the one who told her to bring Kate and Sawyer there, and to call him. Aldo tries to rouse Danny on the radio, but Sawyer frees his hands and whups him. Alex breaks the radio.

Yep, Aldo just fell for the Wookie prisoner bit. Doofus.

Alex wants to know where Karl is. Aldo says he doesn't know.

Kate tells Sawyer to shoot him in the knee. "What?" Sawyer says. Kate says they don't have time for this, she takes the rifle and points it to Aldo's knee. He tells them Karl is at the end of the hall, Room 23, the keys are in his back pocket. She knocks him out with the rifle.

Yes, kids, 23 is one of the magic numbers. Good catch, to those who were paying attention.

They run into the building. "Damn good con, Freckles, I almost believed you were going to shoot that boy," Sawyer says. Kate says it wasn't a con.

They force the door to Room 23 open. Karl is trapped in a bad remake of "Clockwork Orange" -- loud techno music, and a screen with words and images flashing by. He's tied up and wearing big neon blue glasses left over from Devo's 1984 tour.

Alex and Kate begin to get Karl loose, but Sawyer is mesmerized by the screen. Kate calls for help and it takes him a second to snap out of it. Sawyer carries Karl out and they leave.

Danny slaps Aldo around for being an idiot. Juliet walks up and tells Danny to let Kate and Sawyer go -- Ben said it was OK. Danny points out that Ben was in surgery, and not likely to have been making management decisions just then. Juliet says Jack won't finish unless Kate and Sawyer walk, and asks him if he wants Ben to die. He says he knows Ben would rather die than let them go, and pulls a gun. He leaves.

Flashback!

Jules tells Rachel that she's not going to take the job -- Portland is just too far away, and why should she move to do research that doesn't work?

But Rachel says the treatment *does* work -- she's preggers. They hug and cry like a Lifetime movie, and I think that getting pregnant by your sister is more than a little creepy.

Rachel's says her dream has come true -- now she's got to get healthy so she can be around as her child grows up (a sure sign she's gonna kick the bucket) and that Juliet can tell her ex to take his ethics and shove it.

Sometime later, Ed is outside, talking on his cell phone. "Because you're insufferable and you're mean. Well, you asked me for the truth, Mom."

They have so got to put that on a Hallmark card.

Juliet walks up and Ed hangs up on his mom. Jules tells him Rachel is pregnant. Ed says "Ew, you got your sister pregnant? Creepy!" Actually, he wants to look at the test data. Juliet says he can't -- she doesn't want to publish.

Ed steps out into the street and says "then why are you concerned ..." and SLAM! Ed gets creamed by a bus.

Juliet, who just got her wish, cries. Awww -- you should have asked for a pony.

Jack works on Ben, while Zeke looks sick -- apparently, he doesn't do too well with blood. Wimp.

Jack asks him why they didn't take Ben to a hospital, if they can get off the island. Why all the drama? Zeke says something about "after the sky turned purple," but is interrupted by spurting blood and beeping monitors. Apparently, Jack was so interested in his small talk that he nicked Ben's artery. Jackass.

Sawyer, Kate, Alex, and a really out-of-it Karl make it to the boat.

As they get it ready, Sawyer comments that he didn't expect Alex to be the head honcho's daughter. Really? Why do you expect they've let her run around with her Slingshot o' Doom for so long? Because the Others *like* getting pegged by rocks by a teenaged brat?

Saywer puts Karl in the boat. Karl looks up and says "Danny." Sawyer helpfully point out that his name is Sawyer, not Danny. Karl says "Danny," again, with a look like "Behind you, dumbass!"

Sawyer turns, finally, to see Danny pointing a gun at him. He walks *toward* the angry armed man who wants to kill him. Kate screams for no good reason.

Juliet, holding a gun of her own, calls out to Danny, who points the gun at her. She shoots him.

Jack tells green Zeke he's got to help with the surgery.

Juliet tells Sawyer and Kate that they can leave, but that Alex has to stay. She protests, but Juliet says that if she runs away, her father will hunt Karl down and kill him. Alex tells Karl good-bye, and Karl says he loves her.

Before Kate leaves, Juliet stops her and gives her the radio. She calls Jack, who has Zeke hold up the radio so he can chit-chat while performing delicate spinal surgery.

Kate tells Jack that Juliet is letting her and Sawyer go. All Jack wants to hear is the damn story, though, so Kate tells it. Everyone gets all misty-eyed, damned if I know why.

Jack manages by some miracle to complete Ben's surgery. He asks Kate to promise that she won't come back for him. Kate cries -- what else is new?

Later, Jack tells Juliet that the surgery was a success, and asks if he's going to get sent back to his fishbowl. She says yes, but that maybe she'll bring him a sammich later.

Jack wants to know what Ben said to make Juliet want the surgery completed. She hedges, but he pushes to know.

Flashback!

Juliet cries in the morgue. Someone approaches and gives her a tissue -- guess what? It's Ethan!

Dr. Alpert is there, too, and he introduces Ethan as one of his colleagues and says that he's sorry (snicker) that Ed got hit by a bus.

Juliet points out that she mentioned such a possibility in her interview, but Alpert plays dumb and says she can't blame herself.

Juliet wants to know why Alpert and Ethan are chilling in a morgue. Alpert tells her the job offer is still open, and that they'll make sure she's back before her sister gives birth to the creepiest baby ever.

Juliet wants to know how Alpert knows about the baby, and he smiles an evil "I know all" smile and says their recruitment process is very through.

Juliet wants to bring her sister along, but Alpert says no, that she won't be able to get the treatment she needs. Juliet points out that there are plenty of clinics in Portland, but Dr. Alpert says, "Well, we're not quite in Portland."

On the Other's island, Juliet tells Jack she's been there for three years, two months, and 28 days. Do the math, assuming a date of December 2004 (the plane crashed in 2004) and that's right around Sept. 11, 2001.

She says that Ben told her if she got Jack to finish the surgery, he'd let her go home.