Lost: Stranger in a Strange Land

So Lost has managed to find another "mystery" that's even more boring and pointless than Juliet's home life or what Walt's dog yakked up in his tent.

The big question of the night? What's up with those crappy prison tats on Jack's arm?

Yawn. The big mystery is why anyone is still watching.

Kate and Sawyer are on the Little Boat That Could, sailing away from Others Isle. Saywer's singing, but Pissy Kate has made a guest appearance -- she wants Sawyer to turn the boat around and go get Jack.

Sawyer, quite correctly, points that they were lucky to get away with their lives, and hey -- didn't Jack make Kate promise *not* to make a stupid rescue attempt? Even Karl chimes in, saying that Ben would kill them if they went back.

Pissy Kate tries to stare Sawyer down, but he holds firm -- they're not going back, and Jack is on his own.



Zeke gets Jack out of the Fishbowl, saying that he's being moved to different quarters. Jack gets all bitchy and says that if they're gonna kill him, at least admit it.

Zeke gets offended and asks Jack what kind of people he thinks the Others are. Jack points out that the Others are the kind of people who kidnap pregnant women, hang British druggies from trees and snatch kids. Zeke points out that guys who live in Fishbowls shouldn't chuck rocks -- the Lostaways haven't exactly been angels.

Zeke and two guys with guns handcuff Jack and lead him out. In the hallway, he passes Juliet, who's in handcuffs and followed by yet *another* mysterious blonde woman. Juliet gets locked in the Fishbowl, and mysterious blonde gives Jack the stink eye.



How many blondes can be on one danged show? I'm waiting for the very special episode where we find out about the Dharma project's vast supply of bleach.

Flashback!

Jack's chilling on the beach in Thailand. He buys a couple sodas from a Thai kid, who calls him "Dr. Jack" and then says a bunch of stuff in Thai. Jack, who doesn't speak Thai, doesn't get much out of the conversation.

Jack tries to assemble a kite, but fails miserably. Oh, yeah, that's what I want -- a spinal surgeon who can't put together some sticks and cloth. A Thai woman laughs at his lameness, then comes over and helps him. They fly it together, and I'm sure the pretty bird kite that the camera lingered on means something *significant.* Whatever. Thai lady introduces herself, in English, as Achara. (I'm told that means "mark of Dharma." duh-duh-DUH!)

Hey, that's the Bai Ling from "Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow" and "The Crow"! (Sorry guys, no wardrobe malfunctions.)

Zeke puts Jack in Sawyer's old cage. Gee, I wonder if Jack is creeped out at all by residing in the place where Kate and Sawyer so recently had hot zoo sex? Zeke squishes a sandwich through the bars, and Jack pouts that Juliet used to grill his sammiches. Be grateful, doofus -- Sawyer got fish biscuits.

Jack asks Zeke about the mysterious blonde. He says she's the sheriff (ba-dum-dum) and that Juliet's in the Fishbowl because she did something bad. Zeke warns Jack to stay in his cage, and Jack points out the security camera in plain view.

Zeke starts to ask Jack about Kate and Sawyer, and if he's pissed that they had cage nookie and then ran off and left him, but Jack cuts him off and thanks him for the ungrilled sammich.

Kate and Sawyer approach Lostaway Island. Sawyer's heading in, but Pissy Kate is still pissy. She suggests that they paddle around the Island, in the dark, with no supplies or a map. Get to the Lostaway camp somehow, yell to Sayid and Locke, turn around and ... go rescue Jack! She gets even more pissy when Sawyer vetoes the plan and says they're going to land and make camp.

Later, Kate sits by a small fire and acts pissy. Sawyer tries to give her some fruit, but she snaps at him instead. Karl rouses and tells them not to fight -- he says they're lucky to be alive.

Kate asks Karl about Others Isle, but he says that's just where the Others work on their "projects" -- their home is on Lostaway Island.

"Oh sure," Sawyer says, "like the 'steal a kid off a raft' project? That was a humdinger!" OK, he's got a point, even if he only gets partial credit because he used the word "humdinger."

Kate asks Karl about the kids the Others took. He says the Others are giving them a better life.

Karl's emo. He can't see the stars, and he and Alex used to lie in their backyard and make up names for the constellations. Fievel the mouse appears in a big-ass hat and starts warbling "Somewhere Out There." Sawyer thinks its cute that the Others have backyards.

Jack has less luck with the fish biscuit button than Sawyer did. Then Juliet walks up with two armed guards. She shows him a picture of Ben's incision -- it's yucky and infected, and she wants Jack to fix it.

He refuses, and Juliet says it would be a personal favor to her. But since she's under guard, I'm betting she doesn't have much influence these days, so what's that worth?

Jack points out that Juliet wants Ben dead, then wants him saved, and she should make up her damn mind. She says she's in trouble -- she killed someone, and that's why she's in the Fishbowl. Jack says he doesn't care -- he's not helping Ben.

Flashback!

Jack and Achara at a restaurant. The waiter brings over a "special dish" for Jack to try, which looks like big bug legs. He tries it, and the waiter congratulates him for being brave -- just what you want to hear when you're eating. "Wow, you ate at a Taco Bell in New York City? You're brave!"

Achara says the waiter, her brother, likes him. Great -- what kind of drek is Achara's mom going to make him eat?

They make small talk about kites and Jack's dad, who he doesn't want to talk about and Achara admits she doesn't care about. She asks Jack if he's in Thailand to "find himself." Doesn't that really mean "goof off until you run out of money?"

A man gives Achara an envelope and they talk in Thai. Jack asks what that is all about, and she says she has a gift.

Jack's in his cage. Mysterious blonde approaches and says something in Chinese. She says she can read his tattoo, and that the words are ironic. Jack says "What, like rain on your wedding day?"

MB says that Chinese can be complicated and offers to translate. Jack says he knows what it means -- it's his arm. MB introduces herself as Isabel, and says she wants to ask Jack some questions.

Isabel and Jack pass a guy with Alex in the hallway, and Isabel tells her to go check on her father -- he'd appreciate it.

Isabel takes Jack to a room where Zeke and Juliet are waiting. Juliet's still handcuffed.



Isabel says that the Others don't live on Others Isle, and in fact most of them don't like being there. But she's there to investigate. She wants to know about Ben's surgery, and whether Juliet asked Jack to let Ben die.

Zeke says that's true, but Jack lies and says he made it all up -- he was just trying to create chaos so Kate and Sawyer could escape.

Juliet smiles. Isabel asks Jack why he's lying for her, but Jack gets cranky and says he wants to go back to his cage.

Flashback!

Jack's sleeping when someone enters his Thai hideaway. It's Achara, and they've been making lots of sex for a month. Now he thinks its a good time to ask her about her "gift."

Achara tells him to stop asking questions and get to the sex.



Jack wakes up in his cage, and a bunch of people are watching him. Well, he is in a zoo.

Cindy greets him by name. He recognizes her as a flight attendant on the plane, the one that was captured by the Others. He asks what's up, and she says it's complicated, but that they are there to "watch." Jack asks what they're watching, but she doesn't answer.

A little girl whispers to Cindy -- it's one of the Tailie kids taken off the beach. She wants to know how Ana-Lunatic is doing. Umm, sorry, little girl -- Ana-Lunatic is dead. Jack gets all emo and orders Cindy and the kids (the girl's brother is there too, holding a teddy bear) to leave him alone.

When Kate and Sawyer wake up, Karl is gone. They scout around a bit, and find him sobbing in the bushes. Sawyer volunteers to go talk to him -- no girls allowed.

In the episode's best moment, Sawyer walks up to Karl, socks him on the arm and tells him to "cowboy up."

Karl says he's tough, but not sensitive enough to get Sawyer's "Brady Bunch" reference. Poor, culturally-illiterate Others.

Sawyer says he's been with a lot of girls, but only a few are ones you watch stars with. He asks Karl if he loves Alex, and this is so blatent an analogy to Kate and Sawyer's relationship they might as well have neon signs.

Karl does indeed love Sally Slingshot. Sawyer tells him to go get her. Karl points out that whole "gonna get killed" problem, and Sawyer says at least it would be worth it.

At the cages, Sally Slingshot breaks the security camera with a rock so she can talk to Jack. She wants to know why he saved Ben, when he should hate him. Jack states the obvious -- Alex is Ben's daughter -- and she tells him to answer the danged question.

Jack wants to know where Juliet is, and Alex says her verdict is being read. Juliet's gonna get it too, because the Others have "an eye for an eye" kind of attitude, and Jules capped a guy.

Jack says he saved Ben because he promised he would, and Alex looks disgusted.

He wants to know if Ben is still in charge -- will Isabel do what he says? Alex says yes, and Jack tells her to get him out of the cage.

A guy is about to put a big-ass needle into Ben when Jack bursts in. Ben cheers, sort of. Jack checks out his stitches while Alex hovers in the background. Jack says the Others would be more impressive if they had a good surgeon, and Ben says they did -- his name was Ethan. Oooh, sick burn!



Jack tells Ben he's got a serious infection, and he's going to need close medical attention so he doesn't die. Ben says his bedside manner sucks, and wants to know what Jack wants in exchange for saving his life ... again.

That's obvious -- Jack wants Juliet. Alive.

Ben points out that no matter what Jack thinks, Juliet is one of the Others, and she doesn't care about Jack. He doesn't care -- he wants her.

Ben asks if Isabel has a radio, which she doesn't. He tells Alex to get him a pen and some paper.

Flashback!

Jack follows Achara through the streets to a tattoo parlor. She's pissy that he's followed her, and tells him that this is her workplace, and he is her fuck buddy, and fuck buddies do not come to workplaces.

Jack is a stupid American, and needs everything spelled out for him. This is her big secret with the envelopes and the gift? Tattoos?

Achara says she's not a tattoo artist -- she can see who people are. Her work is definition, not decoration.

Jack wants a little definition, but she refuses -- he's an outsider, and this is for natives only. He gets rough and slams her against a wall -- way to treat a woman, asshole!

Achara tells him he is a great man, a leader. But this makes him frightened, lonely and angry.

Jack insists she give him some ink. She says no -- that there will be consequences. Maybe a nice heart or Led Zeppelin logo instead? But he ain't leaving without a prison tat, so she reluctantly starts her work.

Jack and Alex run to save Jules. Alex tells Jack to hang back and shut up. Zeke opens the door, sees Jack and gets cranky, but Isabel tells him to back off. Alex gives her the letter -- Ben has commuted Juliet's sentence. The rules don't apply in her case. He has, however, ordered her to be marked.

Flashback!

Jack's on the beach, but the kid with the soda won't sell him any -- he gets scared and runs away.

Jack is thirsty and sad. He turns around and sees a group of men behind him, led by Achara's brother. Jack says hi, but Waiter Boy lifts Jack's sleeve and looks at his new ink. Then he and his friends kick Jack's ass.

Waiter Boy tells Jack to get out of Dodge -- his Thailand privledges have been revoked. By a boat, Achara cries.

Jack's back in his cage. Juliet approaches, walking like she's hurt. She's got a sammich.

Jack accepts his grilled sammich, then asks to see Juliet's mark. She refuses at first, but like normal, Jack gets what he wants.



Juliet's got a tramp stamp! It's on her lower back, and it's a brand -- looks like it would have hurt like hell. It could be some sort of sunburst or upside down pot symbol, but the good folks at TheTailSection.com have a theory that it's an inverted Scientology cross.

So are the Others Scientologists? It would explain much of the Cruise-like weirdness.

Jack gets emo until Juliet allows him to apply some aloe to her brand. He puts a hand on her side, and her hand *almost* touches his. I don't buy it. I don't think she cares about him.

Jack tells her Ben told him he could go home. He told Jules that too, and Jack says they're going to make Ben keep his word.

Juliet tells Jack that the Others are getting ready to leave -- Kate and Sawyer know where Others Isle is, so they can't stay. He asks where they're going, and she says Ben calls it home.

Sawyer tells Kate he let Karl go. She gets ... wait for it ... pissy! Kate says Karl could have led them to the Others' subdivision. Sawyer argues that Karl was a target -- Ben wouldn't stop looking for him. Kate says Ben just wanted Karl to stay away from Sally Slinghot.

Kate accuses Sawyer trying to think for her. Be nice if someone thought for her -- she can't do it herself. Sawyer tells her to quit taking her guilt trip out on him.

Kate thinks he's talking about the "leaving Jack behind" guilt trip, but Sawyer clarifies that he's talking about the "hot zoo sex" guilt trip -- he knows Kate tossed him a pity lay because he was about to die.

OK, that's just sad. Sawyer does *not* need a pity lay. Sawyer is ten times hotter than Captain Jack can *ever* be, with or without prison tats. If Kate can't see that, dump her. If I'm ever single, Sawyer -- I'll give ya a call.

Jack, Juliet, Isabel and Zeke take Ben on a stretcher to the beach, where the Others party boat is waiting.

"He walks amongst us, but he is not one of us," Isabel says. "Your tattoos, that's what they say." An hour of Bai Ling flashbacks for that? Whatever.

"That's what they say," Jack pouts, "that's not what they mean."

Jack leaves with the Others on their party boat. Kate and Sawyer trudge through the Jungle toward the Lostaway's camp. Karl lies beside a campfire and watches the stars. On the party boat, Alex looks at the stars. Jack and Juliet exchange what passes for a meaningful glance.

Crazy Scientologists.