Nip/Tuck Episode 4.03 Monica Wilder aka The One with A.C. Slater's Ass

On last weeks Nip/Tuck: He who propositions Dr. Doom for fellatio will feel his mighty bitchslap! (That's all I got, I was watching ECW)

Aight, my peeps I'm pinch hitting for The Rizzle on this week's recap of Nip/Tuck. Now, there is no way I can live up to the dignified and classy manner which ERizzle handles her bidness, but this is Nip/Tuck so there's no need to even front like that, yo! Okay, Sean? Dr. Doom? Y'all ready? Word!


Ah the spoils of selling your lucrative plastic surgery practice...We open up with Sean and Christian (Dr. Doom) driving their new toys into work. One of the doctors bought a Prius while the other doctor bought an orange Lamborghini that matches his shirt. The writers want to make it clear from the beginning that this is HOW THEY ROLL!!! Well, at least how they're supposed to.
After Sean and Dr. Doom finish admiring their new rides they enter into work with Liz and Alice(?) staring in into a laptop giggling like crazy. It turns out that Dr. Doom has been caught on tape playing "Doctor" and the video has gone viral on YouTube. I'm telling you, there's nothing like hearing Dr. Doom yell "touchdown" while he's banging away at some chick.

Naturally, Dr. Doom is horrified, not because of the egregious invasion of privacy, though. He's pissed that the camera angles make his stomach look flabby and that the video ends with a less than flattering zoom in on his hairy asscrack. Dr. Doom suddenly doesn't feel like he's representing his Doomness and begins the slow transformation into a freshman sorority girl.

As we fade from Doom's Ass, we zoom onto one ginormous titty. Hey, that's no titty! It's actually Julia's pregnant belly. For real though, it really does look like a booby, yo! This scene is an excuse to see more of Sean's "conflicted" face, which he seems to have whenever he's in the same room with Julia and/or whenever he thinks about his lobster claw baby. Anyway, Sean and Julia decide to start interviewing night nurses for the baby's imminent arrival.
Doom can't shake his self-image problem and consults Sean about liposuction, going as far as marking out his own trouble spots. Sean pretty much tells him to get his fat-ass to the gym and to stop being so superficial. Because in case you forgot, Sean's going to have a handicapped son and from now on it's All! About! SEAN!

Doom hits the gym and takes some shit from his personal trainer. While on the bar thing to the side, up strides none other than Mario Lopez, A.C. Slater of Saved By the Bell, wearing Bayside red and grey. A.C. does his dips and pull-ups and what not and gets some actor/model snark from Dr. Doom.
Doom's trainer, looking at Mario explains "Oh, he's not an actor" BWAH! Oh, it turns out Mario is playing the role of a rival plastic surgeon, not himself. Cut to...Oh Holy Mary! My eyes! My burning, burning, eyes A.C. Slater's ass is all over the screen! Make it stop! They should put a disclaimer or a warning beep or something! Body double or not, that is something I could have really gone without seeing. Blech!!! Thanks to the last five seconds of Nip/Tuck and the movie Showgirls, I now have a mental reference for Saved By the Bell: The PORNO Years!!! Now I have the Sean "I'm so conflicted face" going on. Back to the story, it turns out Dr. A.C. is a fan of Doom's, while Doom covets A.C.'s abs. After A.C. explains the work he puts in to stay captain of the Bayside wrestling team and stay one step ahead of Valley's top wrestler Needick, Doom decides he's prolly gonna go under the knife.

Oh his way out Doom, runs into Matt, who hasn't been returning his phone calls. Doomspawn calls Christian an SP, a Suppressive Personality, which pretty much means anyone who intereferes with his religious pursuits. Doom tries to warn his son of Kimber's ability to prey on the vulnerable. Matt retorts that Doom's all about women and abusing them and flashy cars. Then Matt hits Doom with the indefensible unilateral decision. Doom's out of Matt's life until Matt says so. On the bright side, at least Doom was spared the fake-breakup speech.

We cut to Sean and Julia and the first of the night nurse applicants, Monica Wilder. Monica's young, cute, and prefers the term "handicapable". Screw that! Let us focus on the young and cute part. Of course she's from the Midwest, Akron to be exact, and she's got the whole "Carol" on Growing Pains thing goin' on. She totally charms Sean and Julia with her breathy voice and apparent sensibility. When it's time for her to leave, it's raining and she doesn't have a car. Julia volunteers Sean drive Monica home. Waitaminit, don't 80% of Lifetime movies have this plot device? Aren't those movies all about a middle aged woman's struggle to put her life back to together after her husband is seduced by the young tramp when he DRIVES THE YOUNG TRAMP HOME!?! Jeez, Julia that is not how you roll!!!

We're in the Prius now, where Monica teaches us the three steps of seducing an older, married man.

1)You know what he's going through, unlike his wife. Immediately, Monica emotes that she understands what Sean must be going through and how he must feel like his needs aren't being met.

2)Now that you've formed quick bond emotionally, make him notice how hot and young you are. Monica then says how tough it is to get noticed among the Miami hotbodies and asks for Sean's opinion on her non-bumpy nose. She draws him into staring in her face for about three hours or so. It also helps that she unbuttoned her dress to flash some panty.
3)Remind him of what it's like to be young. Monica then turns on the radio and Oasis' Wonderwall is playing. It also happened to be her prom theme. Monica and Sean then reminisce of what it was like to live responsibility and baby free. Now, at this point I swear she was begiinning to touch herself off camera. Sean asks Monica what a Wonderwall is. Monica replies it's someone you can count on, someone who will always be there. Actually, Wonderwall was a George Harrison album that- SHUT UP Music geek PAJ! No one asked you!
Holy crap!!! They're DOING IT!!!! Sean's got her in the ground and pound and she's uh, very happy to be there. A friend of mine commented that Sean needed to take some lessons from Doom when it came to "lovemaking" techniques. I didn't respond really because 1)I'm a big fan of the ground and pound 2) he's doing a young tramp, it's all about gettin' his! I kept waiting for the transition back to the Prius and the "it was just a fantasy" moment, but to my surprise and delight, it doesn't happen!

We come back from commercial to the worst post-cheating "Here's why I'm late" phone call. Sean tells Julia that the new hybrid car RAN OUT OF GAS!!! Sean, Sean, Sean...dude! Anyway, she buys it and Sean lets her know that it's "not appropriate" to hire her. Out of all the lurid, sleazy acts that happen on this show, hiring the young tramp he just banged is "not appropriate." That pretty much flips the crazy switch for Monica Wilder. Like a drunk guy in Borders' magazine section, suddenly there are issues everywhere. She at least tips us off by speaking in the third person with a "Screw You Monica!". She compares Sean to the client in Akron, whom she also screwed, who used loving phrases like "You make love like an ugly girl" and "It's like putting lipstick on a pig." Oh SNAP, the young tramp Sean just screwed is CRAZY! RUN! (Hey I might pitch that title to Spike TV). Instead of running away and leaving her crazy ass in the rain, Sean offers her plastic surgery. Wow.

Sean brings her in to fix her deviated septum and he's trying to keep it on the down low. No luck Doom AND Linda come in and Linda is all like "hey is that Monica Wilder?" The logic of how Doom and Linda silently put 2 and 2 together is amazing. Hmm...night nurse applicant...freebie work on a deviated septum...HE MUST HAVE PORKED HER! Christian totally calls him out on his hypocrisy with a priceless "You deviated your dick into her!" Sean's left holding the scalpel of shame mumbling deviated septum...Akron...my wife has one giant titty...

We have a brief scene where Liz confides with Mrs. JR that she saw her little lesbian tryst last week. Mrs JR explains they were just friends in a "friends can booby touch in the dark" kinda way. snore!

It turns out that Monica has decided to move to back to Akron leaving Sean alone with Julia again. He starts spazzing out and Julia tries to calm him by offering sex. Sean turns her down, cause he's pretty much a prick now.

Doom and Liz are working on surgery and Liz is giving Doom more crap about his sex video. They have this awesome exchange:

Doom: I don't think it's appropriate to discuss your new jack off material over surgery
Liz: Oh I didn't masturbate to your sex tape Christian, I am not a CHUBBY CHASER
Doom: Can you even find your wheaty gooch under that massive gunt of yours?

Mrs. JR comes in a spoils the fun by firing Liz for sexual harassment, but that lasts for about a minute and she's only on probation. snore!

In the home stretch of the episode, Doom has Dr. A.C. work over his ass. Doom learns a little about being obsessed with health and fitness. Sorta kinda.

Sean and Julia interview a new night nurse.Um...let's call it a wash and say that the interview doesn't go well. The, uh, night nurse guy suggest that Julia chill a bit and get to know the baby before jumping into corrective surgery. After the nurse leaves Julia's water breaks.

We head to the delivery room, Doom is nowhere to be found. Julia has to have an emergency C-Section, so it'll be an express delivery. Sean is so preoccupied with the freak popping out of the massive titty that he totally abandons Julia, to the point that she has to grab his face for Sean to even look at her.

The baby is delivered without complications, aside from the lobster claw hands. Still, it freaks out the little sister even though she was just playing simulated lobster hands last week.

Christian shows up and promises a heartbroken Sean that he'll make up for not being there for the birth. Julia decides to hire the male night nurse. The odds of seeing Dwarven Sex for the first time on cable TV just went up exponentially. Yes, I did specify cable, so don't think you can bust me DrWan!

Okay I'm done, I need a shower now, SUCKAS!

Tags: Nip/Tuck, TV