Didn't Julia have a baby?

Well, well, well. It only took 2 weeks for the lobster claw baby to bow out of the Nip Tuck storylines; this week we didn't even see the male nurse. Fine by me. Those prosthetic ET fingers were getting creepy.

The episode begins with James and Christian having a visit in Christian's office. Apparently, Michelle is indebted to James for 2 more years, or about $500K. Of course, she'll also accept payments of $100K or $75K and a free procedure each month. Now, is it just me or is it completely unbelieveable that Christian actually cares about this woman? Maybe he's just doing it to stick a knife in his boss' back, but is that really worth half a million? I can do that just by blogging at work. Heh.

Anyway, speaking of buying people off, Christian takes Sean shopping for an engagement ring. As usual Sean tries to take the cheap route, but all it takes is a quick, "you banged the night nurse" from Christian and he agrees to purchase the $165K rock. You know, 'cause it looks better next to lobster claws.

On the way home, they spot Matt in his creepy Scientology costume picking up trash on the side of the road. Now that he is really in the fold, he gets to wear the cool khaki pants and blue button-down like the rest of the alien souls. While I'm on this topic, let's just get Matt out of the way as quickly as possible: Christian convinces Sean to buy him off with a Porsche, which he initially accepts and then gets p-whipped into giving it back by Kimber. She also convinces him that it's time to leave the nest and move in with the rest of the crazies. Julia actually tries to stand up to Kimber as she's moving Matt's stuff out of the house, but Kimber crushes her by calling out the guilt engagement ring which she has accepted from Sean.

As the episode progresses Sean and Julia actually hire a deprogrammer to come and "cure" Matt of his allegiance to Scientology by kidnapping him, but that fails miserably and (thank goodness) we don't see him again for the rest of the episode. So much for Matt being normal this season. Julia freaks out and throws the guilt ring back in Sean's face--honestly I can't remember the reason this time. More importantly, why does Matt have to look so much like Michael Jackson? What producer made the decision, "I think it's great that he looks like a child-molesting freak! Let's give him more screen time next week, and can we make the eyebrows bigger?" Ugh.
And now, the moment you've all been waiting for: Rich Rosie. Rosie won $381 million and wants lypo so that "her body matches her bank account." Her daughter wants new boobs and a new bellybutton, and Rosie wants her new hubby to get a penis enlargement. McNamara/Troy agrees to do the procedures for triple the usual cost.

Once those procedures are done, Christian agrees to teach Rosie how to be high class for $50K. This is, ironically, exactly his share of Matt's Porsche. No wonder Dr. Doom gets to drive the Lamborghini.

Back at the office, Christian does a little work on James' hands as her first payoff procedure. As she leaves, and he wonders how on earth he'll raise the $75K he owes this month, Rosie appears saying she loves the look but now the house needs a makeover. Of course, Christian is happy to oblige for--you guessed it, $75K. She accepts the offer, but as they are touring the house discussing changes they discover the most horrible thing yet: daughter and step dad doing it in the master bedroom because "I just wanted to try out my new titties, mom!"

Well, Rosie doesn't take to kindly to that, and before you know it daughter and stepdad have moved back to Jacksonville together because Rosie was more fun when she was poor. Turns out Rosie still wants to have fun, though, and she wants to have it with Christian. She shows up at his apartment, admires the giant phallus sculpture, and offers to pay Christian whatever he wants for sex. Christian coyly demurs (like the true lady he is), but then agrees to do it for $400K. She offers an extra $20K if he'll do her on the zebra rug. What follows is the most deadpan, weird sex scene ever, featuring Christian's standard rear-view and Rosie talking the whole time.

Julia finally relents and proposes to Sean with his own old wedding ring, and he accepts. They are married in a small, cheap ceremony while Julia holds lobster baby (okay, sue me--he made it in one scene) and Christian looks on.

Christian pays off James with the $400K he got from Rosie, and she appears to leave. Silly Christian. James is waiting for Michelle in her garage, and tells her that the only way to keep her affair with JR under wraps is to go back into service, which she does. But did anyone really believe she was just an escort? Sure, escorts have to have their faces rearranged by a marble paperweight all the time to avoid being recognized. Hah. Turns out Michelle did a little better in evil medical school than we all thought, and she's actually the kidney stealer! Woo-ah-hah-hah!

See you next week.

Tags: nip/tuck, TV