Nip/Tuck Ep. 4.04 Shari Noble aka The Liver, The Thief, The Dog is Her Lover

Aight suckas! I've got Nip/Tuck again this week. The Rizzle graciously agreed to take over Grey's duties for me since I'll be out of town for the next few days. So we traded. Teamwork! 'Cause that's how TC and M rolls. First, we have Saved By the Bell ass now this episode has the potential sullying of Little House on the Prarie's Laura Ingalls...still so conflicted. At least I didn't see Mr. Snuffalupagus on the guest star sheet...and no, you pervs that isn't a euphamism for any of the characters, though it would be pretty cool if the dwarf was packin' in the teens.

We start in the office where Sean is confessing to Christian his dalliance with the crazy, banshee, Carol Seaver lookin' nanny. He also adds with some serious grit and determination that he wants to do it again "BADLY". Christian deletes Monica's name from Sean's cellphone and claims that's that. Yes, because crazy always goes away that easily. Meanwhile, we see Christian and Mrs. J.R. giving a slow burn lesson in flirtation. She reveals that she's gone to medical school, but didn't finish and that reconstructive surgery has alwys been a dream of hers. Christian gets bitchslapped as he's about to fondle her breast.

Back from credits, Julia is having problems with breast-feeding and lactating and other stuff I have no clue about. Anyway, Julia can't get her lactose to flow and Sean says that its important for the pending surgeries that he dine on mother's milk. Julia thinks that it's post partum depression and meds might be in order.

Guest star time. Ah, there's little Laura Ingalls. Turns out her pit bull Rojo, bit her nipple off. Damn! She defends the dog with the dog-owner equivalent of "I fell down" and that he was just playing. She says her nipple got in the middle of a dog fight. There's a joke there somewhere, but I don't think I can get away with that one. She stresses to Dr. Doom that she needs it to llok like it never happened because her husband is coming home from Iraq. She doesn't want Mr. Ingalls to put Rojo down because she leurves her dog.

Dr Doom greets Mrs J.R. with a "Your Chocolate Cupcakes are looking very tasty this morning". She disinvites Doom from a fundraiser. As they fix Melissa Gilbert's chewed off nipple, seriously yo, I never thought I'd ever type that sentence... Liz enlists Doom for help on gettin her laid since her game can't keep up with the times. Doom offers to be her coach on Saturday night.

Male Nurse Shorty (MNS) is painting a mural for the baby's room. It's the beginning of a Garden of Eden scene. Julia says it's kinda of inappropriate, MNS says just be patient, it'll be even more creepy when it's done. Julia confides in MNS about her concerns with Post Partum. MNS understands her. The countdown to Dwarven sex begins...NOW! MNS tells her he knows a trick that might get her lactating. He takes a warm washcloth and places it across her breast and says it relaxes the milk ducts or something. PLAYA PLAY! The S in MNS now stands for SMOOTH, yo! I have never been prouder to be a man. Sean happens to walk in, add "WTF my wife is getting felt up by a Dwarf" face to his collection of faces.

Liz and Doom are out on the prowl in a Lesbian bar. A hottie is looking their direction and Doom takes his que. He gets shot down and it turns out she is actually interested in Liz. The bartender slides Liz a drink compliments of the hottie who wants to know "How soon she can dump the fairy?" BURN!

Quickly, we get some girl on girl, but all is not what it seems. Liz wakes up to find a ringing cell phone taped to her hand. The voice on the other end tells her paramedics are on the way. That's right folks it's the old "Gotcha Kidney!" trick Nip/Tuck style!!!! Psst...Liz...how's that single kindey bounce? SUCKA!!!!!!!

Flash to the hospital, where the doctor explains that there's a string of kindey thefts sweeping Miami. In a nice scene, Sean and Doom comfort her that they will take care of her and that she's not alone as long as they're around. Forget the narcissism and deviant sex, McNamara and Troy are all about being loyal to their friends. AWWWW!!!

Cue the ominous music because Mrs. J.R.'s mystery woman Jaquiline Bissett is back, and this time she's brought a gorgeous waif with her. It turns out the waif compromised a client and has to get her oh-so-perfect face fitted with a new nose and chin ASAP. Jackie Bissett's name is actually James, and it turns out James has Mrs. J.R. and Waif by the eggs for some unknown reason. Mrs. J.R. says that Sean and Doom won't operate on Waif's perfect face. James is all like perfect, huh? James takes a marble paperweight off the desk and whacks Waif right in the mush. Hardcore! Face hurt? It's killing me.

Doom questions the surgery but relents. He steps the seduction even further when he offers Mrs. J.R. a chance to assist with the surgery herself. Screw professional ethics, Doom is the MACK!!!!

Sean decides to fire MNS for fondling Julia's breast. Sean tries to expose MNS's game with the whole "you must get tempted by the boobies being a dwarf and all" speil. MNS calls bullshit and and says he doesn't need to roll like that and starts to list his conquests. I'm an MNS believer! Just as MNS is about to leave...KNOCK KNOCK! Who's there? It's CRAZY! CRAZY Who? CRAZY, who you fucked last week you asshole! Monica peeps in with "Hi, is a bad time?" Is she still crazy? Then yes, it will ALWAYS be a bad time. With a damning look from MNS, Sean lets the Drawf who fondled his wife stay. Deviated septum...Akron...my wife had one gigantic titty...

Monica tells Sean that she's staying in town and she wants to see him again. Sean gives the most unconvicing "No, we made a mistake" I've ever heard. Monica tells him that she'll be waiting for him. Um, Sean...CRAZY! RUN AWAY NOW!!! Not even cell phone deletion can ward off the crazy.

Doom is having his post-op exam with Melissa Gilbert, when in walks a very intense Mr. Gilbert. Turns out he came home early. Imagine that. Mel tries to apologize for not cleaning the house for his return, asks if Rojo pooped in the house and other forms of deflect fu, but Mr. G ain't havin' none of that yo! He calmly says "I saw an open peanut butter jar, by the goddamn bed." Oh shit! Are they going there? This show really has no bounds. OMG you got crazy in my peanut butter, you got peanut butter in my crazy! He continues "I thought we agreed this wasn't gonna happen...again" Doom somehow hasn't put two and two together yet. He doesn't get the fact that Mel lost her nipple because Rojo got a little overzealous with the Peanut Butter Areola Crunch. Really though, can you blame the dog? Forget the Samoas and the Thin Mints! I'ma order me some Peanut Butter Areola Crunch the next time a Girl Scout comes around peddling her cookies. *Pause* What the hell am I saying? Forget that ever happened.

Anyway, Mr G leaves Mel a present. Turns out he took care of business the way any man would with his wife's lover. He capped Rojo, cause that's how he rolls. Poor Rojo, he was just a squrrel tryin' to get a nut. Nothing good ever comes from messing with the crazy. Little House on the Prarie has now officially been ruined. FOREVER!

Sean likes to do things his way. The dumb way. He shows up at Monica's. He asks for a drink, but is greeted with magic brownies instead. She hits her stereo and "Obsession" by Animotion comes on. WTF? Is it 20 years ago all of a sudden? Monica then starts to do the most unattractive striptease-seduction dance in history. Them Akron hoochies is WHACK!!! She now officially has no redeeming qualities left. Anyway, we have a hash induced Devil Angel scene where Sean realizes that he loves Julia. Sean tells Monica it's over and goes home. And that's that for Monica. We will never see her again. EVER!

Doom corners Mrs. J.R. to spill the beans about the fake surgery. She confesses that she was a med student and sorta kinda an escort. James was her Madame who paid for her Med School and now she has Mrs. J.R. and by extension the practice by the sack. Doom, of course, uses this newfound information to successfully sleep with her...for he is Doom.

Julia and MNS have a heart to heart where Julia admits that she feels guilt for baby crustacean hands and that she wishes she had gone through with aborting it, but she is finally coming to grips with how she feels. Sean coms in and stares at the mural and describes it as, with the subtlety of Dog licking on a nipple "The perfect world before the fall" Even without the lobster hands Suri Cruise has a better chance of growing up normal. Wow lots of stuff to swallow here. Good episode!

Tags: Nip/Tuck, TV, NipTuck