As a disciple of the movie Hi-Fidelity, I sometimes get obsessed with Top 5 lists. I thought I'd finally start this feature in Tortilla Chips and Milk. For the debut of this feature, I'd start out with my Top 5 fantasy cars when I was a kid. Here we go!
5. The 60's TV Batmobile
First of all, the styling is incredibly, campy, retro, and cool at the same time. The exhaust breathes fire and the NoS system is on all the time because the fucker needs parachutes for brakes. Forget all that though, what puts the Batmobile on this list is that it had the most ingenious anti-theft device ever known to man! The Batmobile has a big-ass red button that said "Start". It wasn't actually the ignition button, but instead it activated the ejector seat! So any villain who tried to boost the Batmobile and tried to drive off got their asses sent flyin'! Heh, that's what you get when you try to jack the Batride BEOYTCH!
4. Mr. T's Taxicab from D.C. Cab
In the movie D.C. Cab, T has been tormented by the fact that he can't keep the inner city D.C.'s away from admiring the local drug dealers flash car. He lectures them and tries to chase the kids away and make them stay in school, but it's no use. T's words turn to jibba-jabba against the power of a cool g ride. T's Cab company D.C. Cab becomes prosperous and he pimps his shitty cab into the Mona Lisa of Taxicabs. You can't see it here but he also had a plane that circled his roof light. The second he rolls up to the drug dealers car, the kids all flock to T's Cab as he singlehandedly ends the drug epidemic in Washington D.C. It just goes to show once again that Mr. T has always been for the children.
3. George Jetson's Spaceship
So, it isn't really a car but that didn't stop young Paj from wanting it. First of all it flies. Beat that suckas! Second of all that big-ass spaceship turns into a briefcase and back at the push of a button. If that isn't an invitation to catastrophe I don't know what is. No joke, sometimes I like to imagine that any plot that centers around a briefcase is replaced by George Jetson's briefcase. For example, the scene with Jules, Vince, Brad, and Flock of Seagulls in Pulp Fiction would go something like this: "And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who would attempt to poison and destroy my brothers. And you will know my name is the Lord when I *transforming sounds* MUTHA FUCK!!! Get this MUTHA FUCKIN' Green bubble-ass MUTHA FUCKIN' futuristic flying car the FUCK offa me! " aaaaand scene! 
2. Greased Lightnin'
We're talking about the fantasy red version that Danny and Sandy fly away in, not the shitty white version that Balmudo carved up like a sardine can at Thunder Road. Now as I'm typing this, I'm moving my arms as such that if you were sitting to the right of me, my digit would be planted in your ear canal right now. If you need to ask why Greased Lightnin' is on this list, just complete these lyrics: "You know that ain't no shit...", "You are supreme...", "You know that I ain't braggin'..." If you can't complete the lyrics and have never seen the unedited Grease, or listened to the soundtrack, go rent it now ya pansies!
1. The Bandit's Trans-Am
I could see a million Bentleys, Rolls-Royces, and Funkmaster Flex/X-ibit creations, but nothing will ever match the feeling of desire a five-year old PAJ had every time he walked by this car on the way to school. I didn't care about the specs or the performance, all I knew was that it had a big ass firebird decal on the hood, and Burt Reynolds drove it and that's all that fucking mattered. Eastbound and Down, is how I roll, yo!
Tuesday, August 01, 2006
Top Five...Fantasy cars when PAJ was a kid
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3 comments:
K.I.T.T. was hella cool on it's own, but I loathe anything Hasselhoffian. Of course I watched Knight Rider at first because, shit, it had a talking Trans-Am in it, but when I realized that Michael Knight wouldn;t die a horrible death at the end of the episode, I stopped watching. The designated driver feature does make it an honorable mention.
okay hottest car out of them all was the bandit. If I couldn't have the bandit I would choose number 6. Pimp ass motorcyle from Grease 2.. Because I need a coooool Rider.. a cool cool cool cool rider!
As a kid the J-Man always wanted to drive a taxi cab. Not drive a cab like as in to make money, just drive a cab.
Like I would want to be in my yellow taxi cab just cruising around in the left turn lane when I hit a stop light. Now as i'm waiting at the light a guy needs a lift so he walks up and pulls on my back door. Well the back door is locked sucka, i'm not here to drive you around this is my car and you can't get it in!
so the light turns green and I drive off.
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