The World Series Game One: Where are all the Black people?

Seriously, it's Game one of the 2007 World Series between the Boston Red Sox and the Colorado Rockies, but I'm not so sure this isn't the Stanley Cup! Really, where did all the African-American baseball players go? I'm going down the starting lineups and it's White, White, White, Dominican, Dominican, White, White, White, Japanese, White, White, Dominican and so on. I know LaTroy Hawkins who pitches for Colorado and Coco Crisp are African-Americans but they aren't likely to play a big part in the series. Between Matsui for Colorado and Dice-K and Okajima pitching for the Red Sox there will be more high profile Japanese players in this series than Black players. How the hell did that happen?

I don't think I've ever seen this high profile an event among the big three sports that didn't have a significan African-American presence. I'm not saying it's a good thing or a bad thing...it is what it is and it's just weird. Network TV is constantly under fire for it's lack of Blacks on screen...I wonder if the progaming directors at Fox sent notes to Rockies Manager Clint Hurdle telling him to pitch LaTroy at least an inning by Game 2.

The best performance by an African-American in game one was Boston Red Sox reserve Royce Clayton on Fox's Sounds of the Game. They were discussing the stolen base promotion where Taco Bell will give away a free beef taco after the first stolen base of the series. Royce was trying to explain that the promotion had to take place the day of the promotion and that any other way wouldn't make sense. It was actually funnier than an entire season of The Bernie Mac Show so I guess they hit some sort of quota.

The game itself...I had to switch during the marathion 5th inning with the Sox up by 10. I'm rooting for the Sox only because before the season started Jordan;s Furniture had a promotion that furniture bought during a limited time would be FREE if the Red Sox won the series. My sister was shopping for a sleeper sofa and against my urging bought her sofa from another store. Maybe if I'm right she'll listen to me next time.

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Premiere Week III: Cavemen

Aight suckas, there's just a few more premieres left and then we'll be settled into this TV season. So, we'll start tonight with recaps for Cavemen and Carpoolers.

Cavemen (Tues. 8:00 pm ABC)


Yeah, someone who's pulling in at least 6 digits really did greenlight this project. A Geico commercial turned into a full length 22 minute sitcom. I'm actually gonna bear down watch it, for such is my calling and I truly love y'all. If this day wasn't bad enough, I was diagnosed with 24 hour Tourette Syndrome by my fake doctor, so hang on we might experience some turbulence here. Temporary uncontrollable rage + Cavemen = How I roll.

Well it's a few minutes in and Cavemen hasn't really played out like I thought it would. I expected a rehash and extended versions of the actual commercials, like the therapist session, or the prejudice filled luncheon, or uncomfortable moments dealing with modern technology. Sure, it would be lame TV but at least those commercials are entertaining for 30 seconds. Which is sadly 29 more seconds of entertainment that we got from Cavemen.

Hey you dumbfucks! This is like having a show with that old ass lady from Wendy's and having her not give a fuck about the fucking beef!

The premise is that there have always been cavemen that have lived among us through and they still live with among us today. Apparently, they missed an obvious President Caveman joke...or caveman blogger joke (fuck you, by the way). Cavemen are just simply treated like another race. The finished product is a show about mid 20-ish to early 30-ish cavemen bachelors living the swinging life in San Diego.

ARRGH!!! if you were going to insert a race of people from a god-damned commercial, the fucking Cavity Creeps would have been more purposeful. They fucking make holes in teeth and they must be stopped. All the pretty morons in San Diego would have shitted themselves when they saw the Cavity Creeps coming!

After hearing these Cavemen banter about cheating girlfriends, unwritten dissertations, and dating outside the race, a Tortilla Chips and Milk hypothesis forms. The producers of this show were undecided about the direction of the project. So they took a failed pilot script about hip single guys of the same race and used it for this show. Maybe it was El Guapo Vatos or They Hung Lo or Wokking and Rolling (I couldn't pick) or Hide and Go Sikh or Single White Male Jews but whatever it was, they took out the original race in the script be it Mexican, Asian, Indian/Sikh, or Jewish, then "cut and paste, found and replaced" said race with CAVEMEN. So instead of hiring (god forbid) actual ethnic actors, they just took a bunch of cracka ass crackas, glued some hair on them and voila! Brand new show!

FUCK! This is like a cheap ass Entourage except it's about ordinary people. Ordinary people who have furry fucking faces. If you took the Cavemen out of the equation you'd be left with whiny, emotionally stunted pretty white people. Oh yeah,that show already exists it's called FUCKING GREY'S ANATOMY! If you wanted compelling TV you could have licensed the Herbal Essence women who have "organic" experiences. If you cast five hot women who walked around having fake orgasms all the time, that show would fucking rule! Oh wait that show already exists too. I've just described DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES! I can't fucking win! Assholes!

All you're left with at the core of Cavemen is a sorta topical, almost hip sitcom with some Flinstonian jokes thrown in. Our cast of Cavemen include a brainy one, a dumb one, a guy who works at an Ikea knockoff (those scenes were actually funny), the Cave-douche who thinks he's a stud, and a wholesome one. The wholesome one might have also been the dumb one, but it's hard to tell these guys apart when they all have fur on their faces. The sorta plot revolves around Ikea-knockoff-employee Caveman, who struggles with revealing to his Caveman friends that he is actually dating a dreaded homo-sapien or "sape". In the original script they probably used the term "homo-sapien" to replace the equally dreaded but rightfully shunned "Girl from Fresno".

Hey Mac Guy, I bet your Mac can't do spreadsheets like this, Fucko! Hey PC guy, I got to rub up on Megan Fox and I'm dating Drew Barrymore! Your PC sucks shit like this fucking goddamn stupid Cavebitch show!

Ahem, anyway, the ha-ha twist at the end is that while the Cavemen are all down with hot sapien, it turns out that the spaien girlfriend is a Furball chaser and that she's had more fur in her mouth than my cat. Seriously, insert your own choice of race and the show is much more entertaining. I'm going rewatch this episode and pick Serbs.

Hey look it's annoying text message girl! I heard they wanted to spec her for a new show too, but she got beat out by Cavemen. Let's see what she's got to say: FU ABC DIAF ASAMFP (Fuck You, ABC, Die in a Fire, as soon as mother fucking possible)

Aight that was just half of ABC's sitcom premiere next we have:

Carpoolers (Tues. 8:30 pm ABC)
You know what? Fuck this, I'm not watching this show. This is the same network that cancelled Sportsnight and they have the fucking nerve to air that Caveshit? Yeah I'm done with y'all. Sorry fat-kid-from-Stand by Me I'm not gonna watch.

Tech Tags: Cavemen

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The Fresh Prince to remake The Karate Kid?

Okay saw I saw this rumor printed here Will Smith directing a remake of Karate Kid with his son in the Daniel Role and Jackie Chan in the Mr. Miyagi role. I never thought I'd ever need to to type the words "karate kid remake" ever. Anyway here are the questions that immediately pop into my head.

Are all the Cobra Kai members going to be black this time, with one token white member who only has a brown belt?

How are they going to have the romantic storyline when the kid is probably going to be under 12 when the movie comes out? Elizabeth Shue was the sixth best thing in that movie and I mean that with the highest amount of praise possible.

Will they track down Bananrama for the soundtrack?

How is Mr. Miyagi whoopin ass gonna come as a surprise when we already know Jackie Chan can whoop ass? I mean most people knew the original Mr. Miyagi as the fry cook/proprietor on Happy Days. Having him whip ass was a total shock.

Is Will Smith gonna have a cheesy ass title song with the term "Karate Kid" in the lyrics? I nomitate that he sample "You're the Best Around" in order to kill two birds with one stone.

Will we hear the epic line "Get him a body bag...yeah!!!!!" ?

Will he spare us from having Jada Pinket Smith play a modern day Mrs. LaRusso?

Is it gonna be set in Reseda or Philly?

Got Zabka?

Will the penultimate scene in the movie be a karate move based on this?


Suckas gots ta know!

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Premier Week Part II

Okay, so I realized that there are only a handful of shows I can actually stand right now. But here's a quick recap of what I watched the last half of the week.

The Office (Thurs. 9:00 pm NBC)

The best comedy on TV returns. I'm gonna miss Rashida Jones. The Office starts up on the same high note that it left off last season. Too many things to list, but I really love the fact that they are keeping the Jim-Pam romance as a side story rather than the main focal point of the show. It's still all about Michael and the office as a whole. Favorite Line from this week:

Michael: Kelli you are a Hindu so you believe in Buddha right?
Kelli: That's Buddhists.
Michael: Are you sure?
Kelli: No.

Saturday Night Live (Sat. 11:30 pm, NBC)

The much hyped season premiere featuring LeBron James was a neutered mess. Usually the key to a successful athlete hosting comedy is a willingness to take a self depreciating approach to his reputaion or career. Michael Jordan,Joe Montanna, Walter Payton, Peyton Manning, and Tom Brady all went out of the box and allowed themselves to stripped down and mocked. LeBron on the other hand seems like he had to have everything approved by the image police. Maybe it was shit writing. Maybe it wouldn't have been so bad if musical guest Kanye West didn't totally upstage him with the sketch which involved him confronting award winners, including an eight year old state fair winner for best pumpkin. "Sneaky Cameras!"


Jermaine Taylor vs. Kelly Pavlik

This isn't a show that premiered but it was a hell of a boxing match. I'm not in any one camp when it comes to boxing, MMA, or even Pro-Wrestling. I'm just a fan of ass-kicking and I'm happy to say that Saturday night I got to see an ass kicking. I'm not going to go into it too much but if you're a fan of ass kicking too catch the replay on HBO.



I'll probably be keeping tabs on Reaper, Bionic Woman, the Office and some others this week to get a regular recap schedule going.

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Fashion Trends I Wanna See: Get yer Halo thug on!

Aight, I ain't gonna front. I ain't the one when it comes to Halo 3. The last time I played a Halo game was a few weeks ago and I got shivved to death on a four way screen a buttload. Still you gotta give props to a game whose sales reached $170 Million. Compare this to the highest and movie weekend opening of the year, Spider-Man 3, which grossed $151 million and you got a little shake up in the entertainment industry about to happen.

Now I've seen video game clothes but they usually lean towards emo/Hot Topic crowd. Like rockin' the Mario shirt is gonna get you any clam.

The fashion trend I wanna see is reppin' the Halo 3 and gettin' yer thug on at the same time. Back from an extended break is our TC and M male model, Dartagnan, live from a midnight Halo 3 sale, with an example of what I'm talkin' bout yo!



Masta Chief > Soulja Boy

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Premiere Week!

With the new TV season in full swing this week I thought I'd give y'all the rundown on some of this weeks season premieres. Then I realized something. I don;t watch as nearly as much TV as I think I do, So I've had to actually force myself to watch at least one premiere a night this week. So here's Tortilla Chips and Milk's midweek TV report. Bridal Edition.


Something Old...
How I met Your Mother (Monday 8:30pm CBS)

The third season of my second favorite sitcom (out of two) guest stars Enrique Inglesias and Mandy Moore as Robin and Ted try to get over their last season breakup. Enrique is the perfect rebound guy from Hell and sends Ted into neurotic spiral. In his quest to "win" the break up he ends up with a tramped up Mandy Moore. Ted somehow manages to get a "tramp stamp" as well. At least it wasn't syphilis The only bad part is that we had to hear both guest stars sing. Blech! I'm definitely sticking aqround for another season.

Something New...

Reaper (Tuesday 9 pm. CW)

I picked this premiere for the simple fact that it was directed by KEvin Smith. What I got was a Male Buffy the Vampire Slayer with a homeless man's Jack Black sidekick. The premise works pretty well for episodic TV. A 21 year old slacker finds out that his parents sold his soul to the DEVIL (Bwak!) In return he has to capture escaped souls from Hell. The Devil happens to be played by the same guy who played Leland Palmer on Twin Peaks, and yeah, he gives me the creeps. Looks like Reaper is gonna be a freak of the week type show with a some young adult emo drama thrown in. It was good stuff, but I happened to catch the pilot over the summer and noticed they had changed the love interest of the show from Nikki Reed (The OC) to Missy Peregrym (Stick It!) based on her guest spot on Heroes as an Illusionist, Michael. I have to say that I was impressed by Nikki Reed's OC run and is more my taste so I was kinda diappointed. Still the new choice isn't tough on the eyes either. I'll stick with it unless they pull a Smallville and turn all the focus on the chick.

Something Borrowed...

Bionic Woman (Wed. 9pm NBC)

This show reminds me of another show I've seen before. It's on the tip of my tongue...oh yeah it's DARK ANGEL! Seriously, they really don't take anything from the old 70's version of Bionic Woman other than the title and the Jamie Somers name . There is no Steve Austin singing Jamie songs or her crushing tennis balls. Quick Tangent: Wouldn't it be cool if they brought in "Stone Cold" Steve Austin to play the modern day Six-Million-Dollar-Man Steve Austin? What? Anyway while it takes little from the original Bionic Woman it lifts a shit load from Dark Angel and it's cybernetic, weapon of death, skin tight, chick fighting, stylings. I got one thing to say about that. "Word". It drags in the setup, but from the showdown with Bionic Woman v 1.0 to Jamie's hardcore speech about burying anyone they send after her it won me over. Two hot chicks fighting in the rain didn't hurt one bit.

Something Blew...

Private Practice (Wed 9pm ABC)

Take this as you will. It is paced exactly like Grey's Anatomy. If you like Grey's you will probably love this show. Me? I thought I would give it a shot since Addison was one of the few GA characters I liked and I did like the writing at times. After seeing the naked towel dancing sequence I wish that she could be my Black Kate Walsh tonight. Seriously. So that, combined with the pacing which was so annoyingly Grey's that I yelled "Focus" milliseconds before the cast did and that the formulaic GA wacky patient them is carrying over (They had to take semen from a dead guy) I decided to flip the channel and never look back.

Until I find a new catchphrase: That's how I roll, suckas!

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Leave Britney alone!

We all know how much I love to crack on Britney (because she just won't go away!) and I had a whole big thing planned about the VMAs, but ...

I'll just post this instead. :)

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Songs You Should Know: Blondie - Dreaming

So, I was watching the trailers before Bourne Ultimatum (excellent movie btw) and the trailer to "We Own the Night" comes on (also looks like a winner). So when the title card goes up the disco-esque groove of "Heart of Glass" is in the background. All at once I start smiling and rememebr how much Blondie kicks ass! They were the first group I recognized as iconic when I was younger. I can still imagine the poster with Debbie Harry in a flowing white dress holding a flsh of light while the rest of the band stood behind her in matching suits. Their music was catagoized as a whle lot of things new-wave, punk-ish, disco, what ever you would call it now, I would call it excellent. As soon as the movie was over I dug into the iPod and put together a Blondie playlist that I haven't stopped listening to since. We're almost 30 years past their heydey and their music still holds up. Here's my favorite Blondie song, "Dreaming". Two things I love about this clip. Clem Burke's kickass drums and Debbie Harry's cheekbones. Enjoy, suckas

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The Rant: Superbad

I actually saw this Saturday but, decided to wait until today to post the rant because:

1) I needed some time to let this movie sink in. In my post Superbad euphoria I may have declared this movie better than The Warriors and Caddyshack combined...and that can't happen.

2) I wanted this Rant to come closer to the weekend in hopes that if you haven't seen the movie yet I can convince you otherwise.


If you read my Knocked Up rant, you'll know that I'm firmly aboard the Judd Apatow bandwagon. I've been looking forward to Superbad ever since the trailer and it did not disappoint. The packed theater was raucous to the point where the laughs from gags and one-liners overlapped each other. Superbad is best served with a crowd. Don't be a sucka and wait for the DVD.

Okay big SPOILER ALERT for this one, as usual, this is not a review just some impressions.


The premise is simple, two high school seniors, Seth and Evan, get invited to a party and somehow get in charge with buying the liquor. Enter Fogel their nerdy smack talking friend with a fake I.D. Sure we've all been in this situation, Superbad's plot is not as ambitious as trying to run a brothel while your parents are gone or pseudo cathartic as self-discovery through detention...but this is part of why the movies works, we've all been in a situation like this at one time or another and we know all the shit that can go wrong. The plot is on autopilot from that point on and we get to focus on the kids. It's not always about the originality. Superbad works because of the quality of its execution.

The movie starts out with a discussion of the porn site Seth is going to subscribe to. He's about to settle on Vag-tasic Voyage, where some dudes take a van and film their escapades with chicks. If you were like me you said "Hey, that sounds like Bangbus!" and if you are like me you are also a little embarrassed that you know that. So if you go see it this weekend, don't be like me and say it out LOUD.

"I am so jealous you got to suck on those titties as a baby" "Well, at least you got to suck on your Dad's dick"

Sure the movie is pretty much a dick and discharge joke fest, but one of my favorite laughs came from an innocent Asian kid's imitation of a cat. So there is at least one successful attempt at clean humor. I'm trying to think of any others...hmmm...well at least there's one.

"You know if you scratch our back we'll scratch yours" "Well Jules, the funny thing about my back is that it's located on my cock."

This sequence stands out as an example of one of the things I love most about this movie. The characters are not pigeon-holed into a stereotype. In a lesser comedy the fat loser kid would never say that to a girl he was interested in. Seth and Evan are portrayed as realistic teenagers. They both have their moments where they show they aren't limited to Seth's low self-esteem and Evan's anal retentive neuroticism. They aren't one trick ponies and they come off as real. High School's clique system was never as rigid as the 80's movies liked to claim it was. If it was for you, then I'm sorry you grew up in Retardville. It looks like the f'n Breakfast Club influence may be finally gone from teenage movies. Suck it John Hughes!

"For some reason, I don't know why, I would sit around all day and draw pictures of dicks"

I'm going to preface this with a TC and M anecdote. We were in a Las Vegas suite for a bachelor party weekend. The night we all got in we ended up just hanging around and we decided to get PPV porn on the big screen. So we're about to settle on an orgy movie with one guy and a whole lotta sluts. Then our nameless friend objects to the choice with "Pick another one, that movie only has one cock in it". Needless to say, any decision we had to make that weekend was followed by, "Hey, does that enough cock for ya?"

So yeah, as Superbad's cavalcade of cock doodles started, I wondered if he would be satisfied...really though, there are a lot of dick pictures.

"I am McLovin"

Get ready for the McLovin merch! If you miss out I'm sure Urban Outfitters will have these in stock where their Napoleon Dynamite stuff used to be.

"Prepare to get fucked by the long dick of the law"

The cops in this movie, played by Superbad co-writer Seth Rogen and SNL's Bill Heder, make a hilarious device for moving the plot and at times steal the movie. Keeping the focus off Evan and Seth for a good portion of the movie helped quite a bit. There's nothing worse for movie that getting sick of seeing main characters on the screen. Ex: All three Star Wars prequels.

"You have such a smooth cock." "Thank you. You would too...if you were a man."

Michael Sera plays the over-polite, insecure, dork to perfection. His portrayal of Evan is really just a continuation of his George Michael Bluth from Arrested Development. What sets Superbad apart from most teen movies is the depths it will go to accurately portray the awkwardness of uncomfortable teenage moments. I had the feeling that most of the audience were reliving some of moments as recently as the weekend before.

"So I guess I'll call you. I have your information so..."

The parting sequence that ends this film was so bittersweet. They acknowledge that the "bro's before ho's" era is now ending. Long live the "getting screwed over by chicks era". All they needed to do was play "Just Once" and have Seth drive away crying in the rain.

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Michael Vick: Tragedy!

Well, it looks like Michael Vick is going to be headed for the hoosegow soon. He's agreed to plead guilty to federal charges stemming from a dogfighting ring.

Thing looked bleak for Vick once his co-defendants all slowly decided to accept plea bargains which would also include testimony implicating Vick's involvement Bad Newz Kennels. (Yeah, I thought it was strange too that they would use a "Z" in news but not in kennels.) So with three of his buddies lined up to snitch, it was just a matter of time before Vick caved.

Okay, to lose fame, a 130 million dollar contract, and tens of millions a year in endorsements, is one thing. To lose it all to crime as low on the "menace to society" totem pole as dogfighting is another. To lose everything in such a manner, because your childhood buddies turned on you, is a tragedy.

The tragedy lies here: Either Michael Vick is the dumbest "kingpin" ever or he's the biggest prick that ever lived. The argument for Vick being the dumbest criminal starts and ends with this. He had a 130 million contract, 22 million which was in an upfront signing bonus. He chose to do illegal shit, which happens, but there's a reason you don't see multi-millionaires going to jail all the time. It's called "Yo, shut the fuck up!" money. Do you think three people named "Q", "P-Funk", and "T" would have flipped on him so quickly if they knew they'd have a million or two waiting for them when they got outside? I mean shit! Doesn't he know how mulit-millionaire criminals roll?

Okay, so what if he did have some "Yo, shut the fuck up!" money? How big of an asshole do you have to be for three of your homeboys to say "Naw man fuck that money, he was always a punk ass." I mean, I'm a pretty much a jerk to my friends, but if I slipped them a hundy they wouldn't say shit about that copy of Spiderman 3, er hypothetically, of course. Vick should have been worth millions to those guys and they still snitched. For that to happen, Vick might be the ultimate codpiece.

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So You Think You Can Dance: Top Six

Ameriker! I lost my C: Drive! This recap is late! Still, I wanted to get this out before the finale two parter. I'll decide last minute if I'll run it. This week we have two perfomances for each couple and a solo before the end of the show! The guest Jidge for this week is Debbie Allen and all I hear is blah blah blah Fame costs bitches!
Our first couple reveal for the night is Pasha who will be paired up with Lacey. They draw one card with two dances types which is supposed to prove that the routine choices aren't predetermined. Oh yeah, like they haven't measured Lacey's head for her tiara...


Their first style tonight is Hip-Hop by Dave Scott. He warns us that there will be some acting involved in this joint right here-ah. The "plot" is Pasha is trying to revive, Lacey, who will be playing a manequin. Hey, it's just like that movie about that manequin who dances around...you know the one...with that chick...Showgirls!

We start up with Pasha sporting the paperboy and nerd glasses. Which is brilliant because if he looks like a dopey white guy breakin it down, they can attribute it to being in "character". So we start out the routine with Pasha spazzing out and lacey doing her best Cattral. Then things get a little interesting

The key to reviving a manequin is apparently taking it from behind. Um kay. The routine is pretty good and for all the shit talking I do about the faux-ho, Lacey does a pretty good job. Pasha ...looks like a geeky white guy doing hip-hop, so I guess it's all good. The judges are all full of compliments...it was a fun way to start the show.

Now we get our first solo and it's Sabra doing her thing to "Rock Your Soul" by Elisa. Sabra just flows with an elegance and a great energy. She's probably my favorite out of the remaining dancers.


Our next duo is Danny and Lauren. So we've got Snotty Snotterson and Toothy Mc I-can't-stand-you-if-I-had-a-time-machine-I-would-have-voted-for-Sara-a-million-times-to-eliminate-your-stupid-hammy-face!

Mia Micheals serves up a routine where the two play aliens, because aliens are cool, I guess. If they were going for cool I would have picked secret agents with amnesia. That's teh hotness right there. So they dance to Celine Dion and dressed in all black they look more like Bananna Republic employees than aliens. I keep looking for something alien-y but really, it's just dancing. At least with the Hip Hop routine you don't need to be told the storyline. You should get it. Without the intro the story might as well be The Bourne Ultimatum.

For the second week in a row, Lauren sucks face with her partner and I swear I thought Danny was going to do a spit take and make a sour puss face. The routine takes them all over the stage up the stairs, through the crowd, and finally on the balcony.

These are two of the chosen ones so Nigel is about to explode with praise. Mary screams her head off. I'm zoning her out now. Debbie Allen calls them a choreographer's dream and scoffs that this show should be getting Oscars for this performance. She might as well have said a Nobel Prize, since they don't give awards for cheesy ass dance shows either. Patience wearing thin.

Next solo and it's Pasha in the spotlight. The chorus to "Total Eclipse of the Heart" starts and things just get really weird. Since there is no video backstory let me fill in the blanks. This is the sequel to the hip-hop manequin routine. It's the night of their 10th Anniversary and the manequin has been decapitated and lost it's arms in a tragic dry humping accident. Pasha is either dancing to lament or to magically make her head and arms grow back. Apparently in the future tuxedo jackets with no shirt on underneath is in style. I think I'ma start rockin that look yo!

Next up it's Sabra and Neil. Well at least they'll be likable and peppy! Mandy Moore, who has been an awesome addition to this year's dance taskmasters, is gonna jazz it up with an 80's power lunch. Where they'll be negotiating...through dance. Neil says the only 80's he remembers is the Karate Kid and threatens to wax Sabra in the negotiation. Omigod, I thought for a second he said he was gonna wax dat ass.

It's "Sweet Dreams" by the Eurythmics and again it's a plot that doesn't need explaination. The pair are dressed in charcoal and cobalt blue and they're wrestling around and and over a table, Neil has his Ricky Schroeder haircut...it makes sense.

It's just fun to watch and a different flavor for this show. It's gonna be hard to top this one. Nigel is thrilled and admits that Neil has become a dancer and Sabra dances from the heart every time. Mary...F-her. Debbie is all "We like it like that".

Lauren dances to a sad desperate song called "Sorry" by Maria Mena. Still, there she goes toothin up the joint like she's dancing to "Shake Your Love". Please. Go. Now.

Round two starts off with Pasha and Lacey doing the Smooth Waltz. Hunter Johnson calls it the Rolls-Royce of ballroom dance. Lacey calls it the most difficult thing she's ever done in this competion. Wait, doesn't she have awards in partner dancing? Latin can't be as far removed from the waltz as something ike crump, can it? Shut the front door Lacey!
So the dance was a waltz and ...it was smooth? Really, I got nothing to say when it's stuff like this. This is why I don't watch "Dancing with the Stars"

Apparently, it was good. Nigel said so. He said Lacey's hands were terrible at one point. Mary is chill, so I'll listen. She actually gets technical with a compliment for Pasha's fallaway slip pivot double reverse spin over spin. Wow. it reminded me of Hee Haw when one of the bimbos in the tied shirt and Daisy Dukes would explain science or something. I actually like this version of Mary. Debbie felt like she was watching "Love Story". If only it had the same ending. She also adds that Pasha had a "mack move" during the routine. Wow! Calm, rational, technical, critiquing of a routine...maybe they should do more smooth waltzes on this show. It also goes to show that anything short of that level of critique means that the jidges are talking out of their asses.

Neil flips around to Dave Mattheew's "Out of My Hands" and he's not wearing sambas and a beat up baseball cap with the rim bent like an asshole. I though that was required wearing for dancing to Dave Matthews. Anyway, it had a near flip off the stage and girls screamed.

Disco time is next and Doriana Sanchez is back...and so is the disco ruler! They talk about a move called the death drop (I wish) and that Disco is hard. "Disco is no joke" says Doriana. I guess she doesn't remember the 80's when everyone except my old roommate denied disco's very existence.

There's something so talent show-esue abou this routine. The dancing was okay, but this version of "Don't Leave Me This Way" has an extended piano solo and it just seemed so junior high to see them disco dance to it. Also, the disco ruler only measured a 3 and 3 quarters on their death drop and their transition into a big lift was clunky. Still, it's the two of the teflon trio and I'll bet it escapes the jidges scrutiny, even though the execution was sub-par to what we've seen tonight.

Nigel thought it was a tough routine and they were incredible and points out that Lauren has bruises all over her legs. Mary thought it was FUN! She compliments Lauren's looks. Sigh. Debbie calls the the perfect Doo-OH and says they reinvented disco. The disco ruler calls bullshit!

Lacey is back with another shitty solo. This time she shakes her ass towards the camera alot. At this point, does it really matter what she does on stage anymore?

I'm going to skip the results show, but there was a moment in the recap montage where Lacey tried the innocent and embarassed act with, "I think my bum was in some cameras". If you replaced "think my bum was" with "purposely stuck my bum" you would have had the real deal. Moments like this make me wish I didn't watch the show.


Neil and Sabra close the duo performances with a paso doble. Honestly, wasn't all that but they ended with a cool move where Neil held Sabra over his head while she clutched her heeels behind her back.

She then slowly fell to the floor as she would a cape unhooked from a matadors shoulders. It's one of the coolest moves I've seen on this show.

Here's another reason why my hate for this show grows with every passing week. Nigel gives this spiel about how at the beginning of the show if you had said Neil or Sabra had a chance of winning this competiton he wouldn't have believed it, but he does now. From a viewer a comment like this would be acceptable. From a producer/ judge who designs the show, it's reprehensible. Shouldn't a top 20 that HE helped choose all have an equal probability at winning the show? Is the talent pool so shallow that they only have four or five dancers who could win while the other dancers are just filler? How biased is it that he would think from the beginning that only certain dancers could win the competition? HATE! Mary gives Neil his first trip on the hot tamale train. Debbie was relieved that this wasn't just another shitty paso doble.


Danny gets the pimp spot ...still looking like a Bananna Republic alien.

He had the best solo of the night, but as Rizzle puts it he's got phony written all over him.

So yeah I had a massive computer problem on Monday so this didn't get out that morning and I was reinstalling Windows while the results show was going on. Cause that's how a dude with a failed hard drive rolls suckas!

Results: We lost Lauren (Excellent!) and Pasha (Bogus). I'll have the finale recap up for y'all Friday.

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Dancing the Light Crap-Tastic

Alright, I admit I've been lazy for awhile now. But Paj inspired me last week with his recap of SYTYCD, and I've got a few points to make:

- Wade Robson--you used to be my hero and favorite choreographer on the show. Then you had to go all touchy-feely political activist on our asses. Here's a piece of advice: Peace signs at the end of a routine are stupid.

- Nigel Lythgoe--At least TRY to hide the fact that you're a string-pulling capitalist bastard who doesn't really get the whole dancing thing. Maybe you don't have to plug ALL of your friends' latest projects on the show.

- Jidges--Alright, I applaud the fact that you brought the talent level way, way up this season. Cedric hung around way too long, but other than that there really weren't any truly easy eliminations. HOWEVER, your blatant attempts to control Ameriker's decisions are repulsive! I'm sorry, but maybe you had just taken a nice hit of Xtasy before Danny and Lauren did their stupid Mia Michaels routine last night. It looked rushed, Lauren couldn't drop the toothies for a minute to get into character, and she couldn't stick or hold any of the big balances. I don't think she did a turn or a balance all night where she didn't wobble or stumble--strictly amateur hour. You raved and raved. Hell, even the cameraman got congratulated for chasing them up the steps and distracting Danny so much that he forgot to hold Lauren's hand. Whatever it is you've got in those Coke cups, Jidges, give me some of that shit!

- Danny--There's no denying that you're a great dancer. But please, please never look into the camera again with that sorry-sap "Really Ameriker, I'm not an arrogant asshole" expression. I threw up in my mouth a little bit.

- Pasha is adorable, and I'm still jealous of Sabra. Don't be a hater, Paj...she's incredible.

Here is what SHOULD happen on Monday night:

1. Lauren SHOULD go home

2. As much as I love him, I wonder if Pasha shouldn't go too. Neil just seems a bit more versatile, and is definitely a better soloist.

3. The jidges should shut the hell up and let Ameriker decide. You chose the format this year, now live with the consequences. Out.

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Why I'm okay with Barry Bonds

I've been doing a lot of thinking while following Barry Bond’s record home run chase. Amidst the allegations of his past steroid use and people clamoring for his record to be blemished with an asterix, I gave a significant amount of reflection about how I feel about the morality of it all. Trying my best to put my Yay Area loyalty aside, I came to this conclusion. I'm perfectly fine with it. Why? Because the second you put on a baseball uniform, you are taught, if not encouraged, to cheat. Here are some examples all of which occurred before I was 11.

My first year of little league and we're doing drills to learn to slide properly. I was taught that a proper slide also includes kicking an infielder's glove in hopes that the ball pops out.

I was also taught that if you’re a catcher, and you get a pitch that just misses the strike zone, move your glove as you catch it so you might trick an umpire into calling it a strike. My teacher for that one was Johnny Bench, host of the Baseball Bunch, a nationally syndicated TV show.

The movie the Bad News Bears showed us all as kids that putting Vaseline under your cap and rubbing it on the baseball can give even a pre-pubescent Tatum O'Neal a wicked breaking ball.

This is all stuff we learned during the Little League years and it's all technically cheating. This was all in the pursuit of a kid’s game for fun. Now throw in the millions of dollars and the fame that comes with success at the professional level and combine it with the cheating that the culture of baseball precipitates and you bring us to where we are today. The game of baseball will always have its cheaters. It's up to the institution of baseball itself to take care of that problem. The baseball powers that be turned a blind eye to steroids for a generation so I feel the disgust should go towards them, not the players. So when something like this comes up in life, it all goes back to a cheesy-ass trucker hat a friend of mine once wore. It read, "Don't hate the Playa, Hate the Game"

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Songs You Should Know: Flight of the Conchords Edition

This summer has been pretty slim pickins as far as TV goes, but HBO's Flight of the Conchords has been a standout as far as new series go. Conchords follows the adventures of New Zealand folk rockers Brit and Jermaine as they struggle to find success in the music industry. Naturally, most of the episodes end up dealing with their women problems. Think of them as a less- spastic, more cerebral Tenacious D. Sort of. Anyway the music is the driving force of the show. Here's my personal favorite, "If You're Into It" where Bret serenades his new girlfriend Coco.



Okay, so I'm a sucker for toy piano. That's how a Schroeder rolls suckas! If you get HBO catch this show!

Tags: Flight of the Conchords

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Mr. Show - Josh Fenderman

Since Fyre got us going on a Corey Feldman tangent, here's my Corey Feldman retrospective in 100 words or less. The movie Tanner Boyle would have kicked his ass...Please Jason kill him..."Yeah, but you know what? This one, this one right here. This was my dream, my wish. And it didn't come true. So I'm taking it back. I'm taking them all back"..."My father stormed the beach at Normandy!" Please Ace kill him! Why does he keep pulling this Michael Jackson shit when it's Hammertime?


Anyway this lead to remebering one of my favorite Mr. Show clips ever and their take on a Corey Feldman-like child star. The best part is the Sonny Crockett wannabee int he background of the dance bit.

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So You Think You Can Dance: Top Eight Results Show

Tags: So You Think You Can Dance

We open with a hip hop routine set to "Get Up" by Ciara. The dancers are all dressed in grey suits save for a black leather clad Lauren, who is playing the part of Neo-ette. Okay, 1999 called and it's sick of this look too! The Matrix-y moves have Shane Sparks written all over it. The synchronized handplay/locking put the graffiti tag on it, yo! He still hasn't topped his "Poison" routine from last season, but it was fun.

Cat looks like she cut a hole in a night stand and put it on before she came out. She calls on the "Jidges" and it's about five minutes of "a dancers life is tough" fluffiller.

Before we get to the results all eight dancers will perform solos. The girls go first. Sara pulls of some freestyle to Big Daddy Kane.

Lacey's solo is pretty much poses and slides across the floor. Since the anointed one wasn't in the bottom three all season she never had to dance for her life. Lucky for her because that solo was ass. Anya soloed rings around her.

Sabra was a ball of energy and was fun to watch.

Lauren did a little hip-hop and twirling to Diddy and ...just go home now.

Neil actually stumbles a bit during his solo. He's all leaps and shuffling.

Danny mixes brilliance with loatheabiltiy every time he hits the stage. For example he pulls out a technically awesome solo, but he dances to "Fever" the song I hate most in the world.

Dom shows off his unbelievable breaking skills he straddles a chair during his floor work. Unbelievable.

Pasha come out chest exposed and cape a swinging. A solo doble?


Now the bottom two...after they review last night, Kat informs us that in the first pair one is safe one is in the bottom two. The first pair is Sara and Lac...oh fuck. See ya Sara. Next we have Lauren and Sabra. Kat announces Lauren is in the bottom two and asks Kat if she's sure. Annoying! Please go home now!

The guys...the first pair is Danny and Neil. Kat reminds us that Danny has been in danger three times this season. Not tonight. HE celebrates off the stage, without acknowledging Neil. Prick. Seriously, how the fuck did that happen after his stinking up the joint last night? Stupid Ameriker.

Next up is Pasha and Dominic...and Dom is the bottom two. They fist bump and I'm okay with it.

Shankman felt that Neil should have been safe and that Dom wasn't showcased enough. Dom is clinging to Kat the entire time. Playa play.

One Republic brings their full band just to lip sync their song. Ugh.

Okay bottom two girls. Annoying Lauren and my tenderoni Sara. last week Sara was in the top 3 and there's no way Lauren leap frogged her after last night right?


Sara is going home. Fuck. My favorite chick going home too early during the Top Eight week. Ameriker, how could you do this to me two years in a row!


Looks like they are out to get the breakers...Dom is next to go.



This is teh suck. I really really hate this show...again.

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So You Think You Can Dance: The Top Eight

Aight suckas, I've tried to change my trifilin' ways but I'm back on the So You Think You Can Dance train. It's been a fun, but predictable season so far, which is one of the reasons I've stayed away. What they should have called this show was So You Think You Can Dance Around a Conflict of Interest. During the audition shows there were certain contestants with quite a bit of clout that were chosen for the show. Not surprisingly they all made it to the Top Ten. Now that the judges are removed from the elimination process and the decisions are all made by "Ameriker", I feel a little more comfortable with the show which at times this season has felt horribly, horribly rigged.

We're left with eight dancers, so I thought I'd give y'all my little rundown on each of them before I go with an actual show recap tonight. The screenies are all at the same point of the solos they performed, and yes, they are all of the dumb as hell "ticking clock move."




She's been one of my favorites this season. I thought she might actually be the first one eliminated this season after her initial disco routine and the fact that arguably she was the least conventionally attractive of the ten girls. I thought she and Dominic had great chemistry and they quickly became the most entertaining couple to watch during the season. She finished in the top three during Top Ten week so she does have a fan base. She has a great energy when she dances and is fun to watch.



He's likable and can do some mean gymnastic tricks. Otherwise, I'm kind of "meh" on this kid. I'm quite surprised that he made it this far.



She's one of the reasons I've avoided getting too invested in this show. From the first cattle call show when they had her brother Benji pimping her I knew we'd be seeing her all the way to the finals. She's been really protected from criticism the entire season. To be fair, she is a great dancer, but there is something so in genuine about her that keeps me from being a fan. What really bugs is when she tries to put on her vamp/sexpot face. Girl, we know a tease when we see one.



Probably the best dancer in the competition and has been called the best male dancer eve on this show. Doesn't matter. He's got such a smug way about him that I want him gone. It's as simple as this test, "Would I pay money to see him perform?". Nope, because he comes off as a prick. He's like the Barry Bonds of this show without the steroids and the gigantic asteroid head.



The token Russian ballroom dancer has got a fan base that has taken him further than I expected. I've enjoyed watching him this season especially in the under appreciated Bird Dance and the impromptu routine with Bette Midler.



Unlike Danny and Lacey whose talent stifles the conflict of interest argument, Lauren has seen the most benefit from the judges favoritism. Her body of work hasn't been impressive at all and she should have been eliminated weeks ago. Her saving grace is that she really is cute. She's got the toothies though and that's kinda annoying.



My favorite male dancer on the show. He's been taking the show your personality advice a little too much to heart and he has had some weak performances, but his breaking skills are unbelievable.



My favorite since the beginning. I love the whole snowboard slacker vibe she carries. The B-Girl thing? I think it's pretty clear she's a trained dancer who decided that she liked breakin' rather than the usual untrained breaker fish out of water we've seen on this show. I dig her so much I'm brining back the term "tenderoni" just for her. Word.

This week our guest judge is Adam Shankman making a return to us this season basking in the glow of Hairspray's opening success. Apparently the film had the highest grossing opening weekend for a musical ever. "Grease" called and said "Whatever".

Instead of one routine and a solo, our dancers will be performing two routines. Danny picks Sara out of the random hat 'o dance and it seems like a mismatch at first if only because Danny is like two feet taller than she is. They start out with the Argentine Tango, otherwise known as the dance where the girl might kick her partner in the nuts.

Sara comes out wearing these awesome leather boots and it might as well be done for me. Winner! The routine was hot and would have been even hotter if Danny weren't so aloof and/or homosexual. They decided to spotlight Danny with several spots. While Sara was fanning her tenderoni self Danny would do some pirouettes here, some pirouettes there, and busts out with a flip for good measure.

After Shankman gives out even praise highlighting Sara's transformation from B-Girl to complete dance and Danny's centre, Mary and Nigel give Danny a tongue bath. Mary points out that the flip was out of place in a Argentine Tango. Nigel predictably defends Danny stating that since he's able to do a flip like that he should. I wonder if he would have said the same if Dominic broke out a headspin during a quickstep?

Next, Dominic picks Laurens name and first up for them is a Krump routine with Lil C. Dominic is excited that he's partnering with Lauren because she's hot. She also likes to rehearse with her breasticles popping out of her shirt too. So yeah, she's scoring points with me.


What we get is the most laid back Krumping I've ever seen. It seemed to be just another hip hop routine and it was just okay. I think I could have done this routine The highlight was Lauren falling when she was supposed to be jumping off of Dom's back.

Shankman still calls it "hot". Mary thought they lost energy but they were still "gangsta". Nigel thought the 50 Cent track killed it because the song meandered. He complimented Lauren covering the fall. I had to watch it twice to see what was wrong with it. They just didn;t hit the moves hard enough. The jerkiness was there and there was enough in movements to really get fierce but it didn't happen.

Neil gets Lacey and their first number tonight is Latin Jazz. The rehearsal bit focuses on the "Crunch" lift that Neil will have to do with one arm while Lacey curls up in a ball. Really all that time is set up for whether or not they pull off the lift.

They start out dancing to a really saucy number. Neil solidifies his hold on the tween vote by performing shirtless. This had the potential to be really steamy but they come off as two smiley kids mugging for their parents in the crows every chance they get. The lift? Neil does it but uses two hands. I guess the gun show was closed.

Shankman thought they weren't into each other. He has the nerve to individually criticize Lacy for looking out into the crowd too much. She reacts by putting on her bitch face the rest of the session. Mary thought the chemistry wasn't there at all to a round of boos. She also thought Neil wasn't looking at her enough even though the replay is questionable. Nigel compares them to two dance pupils at a recital.

Our final couple is Pasha and Sabra and they start out with Broadway. Tyce D'orio guides them through a fast paced rehearsal and Pasha and Sabra joke about their communication problems. Odd, they are two of my favorites but when they come together it just seems so bland.

Okay the dance is set to "A Wild Party" and if you imagine all the moves you would see on a Broadway stage during a part scene ...that's pretty much all you get. It's fun but its pretty much a two person hoedown.

Shankman loves it and calls Sabra a revelation. Mary gets Pasha's back and calls him a revelation too. She loved and does her scream bit. Nigel compares them to Benji and Donyelle doing "You Can't Stop the Beat". He gives them the ultimate jinx saying they will be there next week.

OMG the teaser shows Danny and Sara in matching airbrushed shirts! Flashback to 1987 yo! Yeah those outfits are pretty much dead on. Just because it's retro doesn't mean it's a good idea. I remember wanting an airbrushed shirt that said "Rock N' Roll Express" back then. It doesn't mean I should wear one now. This is a Shane Sparks joint, yo.

The coreography was straight out of the late 80's and was perhaps too authentic for anyone that didn't remember those times. All they needed was a Roger Rabbit. Sara is totally in her groove while Danny is looking alot like Carlton Banks. Methinks this routine was dumbed down quite a bit for him.


Anyway the jidges harp on the wardrobe a little too much. Mary thought it didn't hit hard enough. Nigel somehow blames Sara for being better than Danny and felt she should have come down to meet his partner. Yeah Sara it's your fault Danny "the greatest dancer of all time" sucked the big one in this routine. This is the bullshit I've been talking about. Really really hate this show right now. Just give Danny and Lacey the top 2 and y'all can lick them to death.

Lauren and Dom come back with a Rumba for their second dance. Lauren is all about the sexy while DOm hams it up quite a bit. Looks like this could get a bit steamy.


Yeah they did a Rumba and they kissed at the end. It's a SYTYCD first. The dance itself was just kinda blah for the most part. Shankman gives them props for their chemistry. Mary thought it was too much posing. Nigle wants to remind Ameriker how sexy Lauren looked in her dress. Seriously Nigel, remember when you said that you would be in danger of favoritism accusations when it came to Lauren? Didn't think so. HATE.

Okay here it comes the Mia Michaels backstory routine. She give Neil and Lacey the roles of her and her deceased father reuniting in Heaven. Talk about shielding your dancers from criticism.


Okay I admit it was touching, but they could have played hopscotch in that setting and it might have had the same results. The worrier and accident watcher in me kept thinking that Neil and Lacey were going to slip on all those flowers.

Shankman calls it the greatest dance ever on television. Mary is too choked up to do anything but draw a heart in the air. Nigel said it was the most touching thing he's seen -ever. Okay trophy engraver that's Schwimmer with two M's

They really stuck it to Pasha and Sabra here. Not only to they have to follow most equally sentimental-hyperbolic routine ever. They also have to do the quickstep!


Anyway as far as quickstep goes it was actually entertaining. The judges gave Sabra and Pasha props as the most consistent duo of the night.

Okay let's recap. Objective status? Protect Danny, brother of Travis? Check, they didn't point out his shortcomings in the hip hop routine. Protect
Lauren, student of Tyce D'orio? Check, we reminded everyone that she was hot. Protect Lacey, brother of Benji, cousin of Heidi? Check, routine two was impossible to criticize.

This is all playing out like it's supposed to. I'm sorry I came back.

Tags: So You Think you Can Dance

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