Lost: A Tale of Two Cities

Sorry I'm late, kids -- but here's the "Lost" premier. Next ep to follow soon.

It's an eye. An eye with bad musical taste. Because the blonde chick that the eye's attached to puts Petula Clark in the CD player, and looks pretty damn pleased with herself.

As "Downtown" bops along blonde chick fluffs pillows and burns muffins (and her hands) and does the happy domestic thing.

It's apparently book club day, and some alpha male is crapping on the choice of book. "Now I know why Ben isn't here," AM says, thinking that the great and marvelous person named Ben wouldn't use this book to wipe his butt.

Blonde chick says its her favorite book, and before these two can rumble like it's "West Side Story" the house begins to shake.

Everyone runs outside, and holy heck -- the guy under blonde chick's house fixing her plumbing is the late, great Ethan -- the not a castaway from Season One.

And what do my wondering eyes see, but Henry Gale coming out of another house. The Others have suburbs???

But that ain't the biggest thing, because up in the sky, it's a bird! It's a plane! Yeah, it's a plane -- it's Oceanic Air 815, and it's breaking up. We get to see the crash from *yet* another angle.
Everyone's looking to Henry for guidance, and he rallies Ethan and Goodwin to head off to the crash sites and blend in with any survivors. He wants lists in three days. Ethan and Goodwin scurry off to their dooms.

Blonde chick is still holding her book -- it's Stephen King. "So I guess I'm out of the book club," Henry says, in a very ex-boyfriend moment. Camera zooms out to show that suburbia is smack dab in the middle of the island.

Hell -- why didn't the castaways look there for a McDonald's and a Radio Shack?

Flashback!

Jack is in his car, spying on his wife's school. Glenn Miller is on the radio. Could he get any weirder? Sarah comes out and gets friendly with another teacher. Jack gives them the Eye Of Doom.

Island Jack wakes up in a small room. Chains on the ceiling, door's locked, and he's got a cotton ball stuck to his arm. He wanders around a bit, tries the obviously broken intercom, and runs smack into a glass wall. He screams for Kate.

Kate wakes up in the boys locker room -- in the shower, to be precise. Zeke's there, in Dockers. Weird. She asks some dumb questions, like where am I, where's Sawyer and Jack -- like Zeke's gonna answer. He tells her to take a shower. She gets all uppity about showering in front of Zeke, and he laughs and says she's not his type. Wow -- kidnapped and dissed in the same day. She's got a cotton ball on her arm too.

Sawyer wakes up in an abandoned zoo. No, I'm not kidding -- there's a cage and a canopy with the Dharma logo and speakers. There's someone in the cage across the way with his back to Sawyer, and he won't talk to Sawyer. Like he's got anything better to do. Poor Sawyer never gets the love.

So Sawyer looks around, and there's a big red button with a fork and spoon on it, a little chute and water spout, and a couple of levers. Sawyer pushes the red button. "Warning," the speakers say. So he does it again. "Warning."

Sawyer's shows less sense than the average lab monkey and gets ready to push the button again. "I wouldn't do that," his buddy says. Sawyer does it anyway, and gets hit with a shock hard enough to fling him across the cage and smack him off the bars. Warning, stupid!!!

Jack yanks his chain. He keeps doing it until someone tells him to stop it. It's blonde chick, sans Stephen King book. She says her name is Juliet.

Flashback!

Jack and Sarah are meeting at the divorce lawyer's office. Guess the stalking isn't helping their marriage. They make awkward small talk, and Jack says he fired his lawyer.

Sarah gets a phone call, and giggles like its the high school quarterback. It's poor etiquette to flirt with the new man in front of the old one.

Jack gets cranky, and wants to know the new guy's name. She stalls, and he says he'll give her the house and the cars and all that stuff if Sarah will give him the name of her new man. Boy, Jack shouldn't have fired his lawyer. Sarah gives him the brushoff.

Back on the island, Jack's still yanking his chain. He wants to know where his friends are -- Juliet wants him to stop acting like a three-year-old. He asks if she thinks he's stupid.

I think you're stupid Jack -- does that count?

Juliet says he's stubborn. He keeps yanking on the chain.

Kate finishes her shower, and can't find her clothes. There's a pretty sundress in a locker with a sign that says "wear this." Isn't this how a porno starts? Kate puts on the sundress and thinks about how hot she is. Bleck. Zeke tells her to wrap it up, because "he's waiting."

Kate must have won the Reward Challenge, because they lead her to the beach where Henry -- I mean Ben -- is waiting with breakfast under a little canopy. Kate puts her mad face on. Ben tosses her some handcuffs, and tells her to put them on. OK, we're back to the porno. Kate asks what will happen if she doesn't, and Ben says she won't get any coffee.

Kate must be jonesing for some latte, because she puts the handcuffs on.

Kate asks about Sawyer and Jack. Ben makes some noise about how she asked about Saywer first. Damn, can we get over this love triangle thing already? Who cares? Kate asks about her clothes, and Ben says they burned them. Then she asks why she got the shower and coffee on the beach and all.

Ben says he wanted to give her something nice to hold onto, because the next two weeks are going to be very unpleasant. The way he says it, it sounds like the bombing of Dresden unpleasant.

Flashback!

Jack's got ahold of Sarah's phone, and he's sitting in his office calling all the numbers in it looking for The New Man. Jack's dad shows up and calls him on it. Jack's all -- shut up! I'm Super Jack, and I'm gonna find Sarah's new guy! He dials another number, and Dad's phone rings. Oopsie!

Dad says Sarah was calling him because she was worried that Jack was making with the crazy. Jack calls his dad a drunk, which is pretty much his answer to everything. Dad tells him to "let it go."

Back on the island, the broken intercom is making static noises. Jack yells at it, because he's just that dumb. Faintly, you can hear his dad's voice on the intercom saying "let it go."

Juliet shows up with a sandwich. Jack growls. She says it's really yummy. Jack tells her to turn the intercom off, and she says to stop making with the crazy, because its been broken for years.

Jack asks about a big red button -- because big red buttons are always good, right? Juliet says its for emergencies.

They bicker over the damn sandwich some more, and Jack lies and says he was a repo man. Juliet asks him why he was flying from Australia. Jack says he was bringing his father's body home.

Sawyer's fiddling with the levers. His buddy starts asking about Sawyer's camp -- how far it is, are the people nice? Sawyer points out that the last guy who showed up got tortured by an Iraqi.

The door to Buddy's cage pops open. Buddy springs Sawyer, and tells him to run thataway, and takes off.

Sawyer runs, but not too far, and then he stands there like an idiot while Juliet shoots him in the neck with a Taser. Zeke drags him back to the cage. Buddy (who's name is Carl) got caught too, and Zeke makes him apologize to Sawyer. Nice to see manners aren't dead.

Jack's in his cell, and Juliet's got another sandwich. They bicker some more, until Jack says he'll sit nice and let her open the door to put the tray inside.

Flashback!

Jack's in the hospital, and sees his dad on a cell phone. Dad laughs, and Jack puts two and two together. Dad has a cell phone. Sarah has a cell phone. That means they must be ... doin' the nasty!!! Apparently, they are the *only* two people in L.A. with such wonders of technology.

Jack follows dad to a meeting at a hotel. Sarah ain't there -- it's an AA meeting. Jack stomps up and gets all shitty. He wants dad's phone. Christian and the meeting moderator try to calm him down, but Super Jack won't be denied -- he starts screaming about how Drunk Daddy doesn't love him.

The moderator says dad's been sober for 50 days. Jack says it's because he's got a new "lady friend." Seriously -- he said "lady friend." Dad tells him to let it go, and Jack knocks him the fuck out. It's the most exciting AA meeting ever.

Back on the island, Juliet opens the door, and Jack rushes her. He ain't done beating people yet. He gets her in a head lock, because he's Super Jack, and drags her to a door with the Dharma logo and a big wheel on it and tells her to open it. She says if she does, they'll die.

Ben is suddenly there, and he backs her story. But Super Jack does what he wants, and starts opening the door. Ben and Juliet beat feet, and in a sign of repressed ex-lover anger, Ben shuts the door in Juliet's face.

What's behind door number one? The entire Pacific Ocean. Water starts flooding the corridor, sweeping Jack and Juliet up in the wave. Julia knocks Jack out with a single punch. Pussy.

Sawyer gets a rock, takes off his shoes and does some other complicated stuff, and hits the levers in the right order. "Reward, Reward," the speakers say, and march music blares. He gets a fish biscuit, some pellets and some nasty looking water. Sawyer make food!

Zeke leads Kate to a nearby cage. Her wrists are raw and bleeding. Zeke says he'll get her some antiseptic, and Sawyer smarts off and asks for a blow dry. Zeke praises Sawyer's fish biscuit ability, but points out that "it only took the bear two hours."

Sawyer comforts Kate, who's making the sad face, and compliments her dress. He ever shares his fish biscuit with her. It must be love.

Jack wakes up, and makes the brilliant observation that glass wall + lots of water = aquarium. Yep, you're in a goldfish bowl. Juliet confirms that this is an underwater Dharma station named Hydra.

He asks if the Others are what's left of Dharma, and she says that it doesn't matter who they were, it matters who they are. Thank you for our pseudo-philosophy moment. I don't know who we got through an episode without it.

Juliet's got a thick file that has pretty much Jack's entire life in it -- it's even got a copy of his dad's autopsy report. Her Google-fu is strong. Jack asks about his ex, and Juliet asks what he wants to know.

Flashback!

Sarah bails Jack out of jail after the AA meeting from heck. They have yet another soap opera argument. Sarah says Jack knocked his dad right off the wagon and stomps off without telling him who her new guy is.

Back on the island, you would think that Jack would ask who in pie was Sarah's new guy, right? Well, because he's Jack, he doesn't. He asks if Sarah's happy. Juliet says she is, and Jack cries. If this stupid plot goes on any longer, I'm gonna cry too.

Juliet shoves some food into the cell, and weepy Jack sits as meek as a little kitten. Ben tells her she did a good job.

And that's it? And hour to get Sawyer a fish biscuit and Jack a sandwich??? Damn you "Lost"!!!