Hip-Hop Covers Mix Vol. 1

Okay, I'm a covers freak but I hesitate doing lists like this because I'm bound to forget a song or two. So I'll just label this Vol. 1. Most of these tend to lead towards the acoustic side.

BK Baby-Ben Kweller orig. Vanilla Ice
I saw him when he opened for Evan Dando in Foley's Basement in San Fran. IT was just BK and an acoustic guitar I didn't realize it was "Ice Ice Baby" until the line "Flowing like a harpoon daily and nightly" I looked around and the others who caught it just busted out laughing.

"It's Tricky" Bloodhound Gang orig. Run-DMC
A rippin version of one of my all time favorite songs. In a perfect world these guys would be HAYUUGGE!!!!

"Gin and Juice" The Gourds org. Snoop Doog
This was one of the most mislabelled Napster songs of all time. Does this song suck ass? No, it does not. Then it's not the Barenaked Ladies, fuckers! ...Click the link to read the rest of the article

"I Need Love" Luka Bloom orig. L.L. Cool J.
The first folk hip-hop cover I ever heard. I was on the road late one night in South Carolina litening to the USC station. Hearing "...Get cozy and huddle, I'll Lay Down my Jacket so you could walk over a puddle" sung to an acoustic guitar by an Irishman invoked the third loudest "No F'N Way!!!" In my lifetime.

"Boyz in the Hood" Dynamite Hack orig. N.W.A.
I kinda feel obliged to put this on the list even though hearing this cover makes me want to punch the band in the face.

"Bring the Noise" Anthrax orig. Public Enemy
I absolutely have to rip shit up every time I hear this song. Their "Looking Down a Barrel of a Gun" cover is awesome too!

"Bithces Ain't Shit" Ben Folds Five orig. Snoop
Hearing Ben Folds exclaim "Here's a little conversation fo your ass!" gives me a warm fuzzy feeling inside. Like most Ben Folds covers, this rules!

"Straight Outta Compton" Nina Gordon orig. NWA
She has such an angelic voice that makes my heart melt when she sings "Niggas start to mumble, they wanna rumble, mix em and cook em in a pot like gumbo". I'm gonna have this playing at my next chardonnay picnic.

"Baby Got Back" Richard Cheese orig. Sir-Mix-A-Lot
I could have picked a bunch of songs from this Lounge Master...I picked this one, since well... you should be able to figure it out by now.

"Ms. Jackson"-the Vines orig. Outkast
Forever..forever-ever? Word!

"Creep" Afghan Whigs orig. TLC
Creep is one of my all time favorite songs but I couldn't admit it until my Watts in San Fran. pointed out that I had put a version of "Creep" on five consecutive mixes that I had made for her.

"Still Dre" Phantom Planet Orig. Dr. DRE
My ex-girlfriend and I saw this covered live. She actually squeed and said "How Cute!". I'm over it now. It is really cute. (sigh)

"You Know I'm a Ho" Master P and Ice Cube orig. Whodini
A pure hip-hop cover of a hip hop classic. Trust me, the original hasn't aged well. I tried bumpin' Whodini's version with the windows down once...then I started doing the robot...then I punched myself in the face.

"Sabotage" Phish orig. Beastie Boys
The only cover on this list that you can smell.

Yacht Rock Quote of the Week!




"Hi, I'm Hollywood Steve, you've caught me taking a shit!"- Hollywood Steve Yacht Rock #3

Tags: Music, Yacht Rock

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Songs you should know - Who's Got the Crack?

Three things about the Moldy Peaches.

One, I can remember first hearing about them when my buddy saw them open for the Strokes. He told me it was a guy and a girl duo and the girl performed in a rabbit costume. Without hearing a note I was intrigued.

Two, I actually purchased the album in Boston at the Virgin Recods Megastore. I remember it was an awesome day, even though it was also the day that I discovered that this cool song I had been hearing in hip stores all weekend long was actually “Toxic” by Britney Spears.

Three, the shity-ass local music/culture critic used the Moldy Peaches as a counter-point to another boy-girl duo who was starting at the time, The White Stripes. First of all it's not even fair to compare them and if you do they derivative of two different aspects of punk music that it doesn’t even make sense to compare/contrast them. This guy also predicted bigger things for the Peaches. What a toolbox.

The Moldy Peaches
Who’s Got the Crack

Tags: Music, Songs You Should Know

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The New Orleans Karoke Game - 28 Day Slater

Grab your nearest friend...
Click the link below...
Put your finger to your ear...
Have your friend harmonize two octaves too high.

Enjoy! Summer of '69- Bryan Adams

I kinda crashed tonight so if you were looking for the OC recap it will be combined with the Prom Night Episode.

In researching the aborted Saved By the Bell piece, I ran across this bit from Channel 102. 28 Day Slater. Some really good bits there, not as complete a work though as say...Yacht Rock.

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American Idol - Classic Love Song Night - McPhee's Yellow Dress!

Tonight's guest star is Andrea Bocelli. He brings along producer/songwriter David Foster who in turn brings an entertainingly refreshing breath of brutal honesty along for the ride this week. The intro shows clips of Bocelli singing Por Ti Volare...I mean it I have my steel chair ready to swing if one of the Idols touches this song. I'm hoping now that Ace is gone I can make it through the show without one instance of white-hot blinding rage.

We start out with Katharine McPhee who is going to sing "I Have Nothing" by Whitney Houston. We see her warmup with Bocelli and Foster, who actually wrote the song, and we see some producery changes to the arrangement. Bocelli compliments her voice and Foster poses the question "Do you think she could sing opera?" Katharine answers with a few opera bars and jumps into a full duet. That was friggin annoying. Y'all know that I dig McPhee, but seriously, her gushing abou the duet was like me playing on a Pro-Am golf team with Tiger Woods and saying we were awesome!

We start out...and Hello! Kat's wearing a yellow dress that...umm...is generous with the McPheevage. She really does look gorgeous tonight...until we pan out.

I have no clue about women's styling, but I don' t think her dress was supposed to hang like that. I swear it was like her badunkadunk was exposed to water or fed after midnight or something, because it looked like it multiplied since we saw her last. Seriously , the VPL's were so pronounced it appeared as if she had her hips replaced with mini-butts.
Man, what did she do to her stylist this week??? It's like every other week is a disaster for poor McPhee. I'm kinda like Sir-Mix-a-Lot when it comes to this kinda stuff, so let's just say that "Three-Assed" McPhee is really distracting me.
I don't think that she's doing all to hot tonight judging by her father's reaction...usually when she's "on" he loses his shit.

If that's not enough, her dress, in the spirit of the ambition showed by our finalists, decides to become Ashley Judd's white dress from the Oscars a few years ago. The sudden trepidation, fear, excitement, that comes with someone potentially flashing millions of people doesn't apply since it has been very, very, VERY apparent throughout this performance that McPhee is indeed wearing underwear.

To tell you the truth, I have no clue what to think of the song. The judges jump all over her and are very negative. The message is clear: If you are going to sing a Whitney song, you'd better bring it. Tonight, it wasn't broughten.

Elliott Yamin is going to sing "A Song For You" by Donny Hathaway who also happens to be the father of one of the backup singers. She's really cute too. He may be creepy but I'll have to give the boy some credit. Playa Play! It turns out he's sung this song his entire life and finally gets to sing it on this big a stage. Maybe he won't fuck it up performance-wise like he has the past two weeks. We see his session with Bocelli and Taskmaster Foster and they really work him. They both throw some really high praise his way as well.
The song is kinda boring, but he sings it very well. He also sings it like he understands it, which makes this performance my favorite of his so far. Randy hated the arrangement but loved him. Paula was moved to tears...maybe Seacrest was mean to her during the break...apparently they are feuding. Simon reiterates that there were moments in the song where it was a like a "vocal master class". Seacrest compares Paula to Mr. McPhee...kinda assy, but I chuckled.
Kellie Pickler is next. Ryan interviews her before the song and she brings up the fact that she doesn't have a boyfriend. Okay...then she segues that into introducing that she's singing "Unchained Melody" which segues into the pottery scene from the movie Ghost. She gets some laughs by complaining "She doesn't have anyone to play pottery with." Nope, couldn't make it this week...HATE!!!!
During her session she starts singing and we get this priceless look from the Taskmaster. They work out a Kellie twist to the song. Bocelli compliments her as being very happy. Taskmaster asks the blind singer what color hair she has. Andrea replies "Blonde"....Okay even if that was scripted it was funny as hell.
Okay, I hate "Unchained Melody" and it sounds all kinda awful when she sings it. Also who the fuck did her hair? She looks like she used Cameron Diaz's hair gel from "There's Something About Mary".

The judges really jump her shit. Paula admits to her that she didn't hit the greatness that is expected at this point in the competition. Simon goes as far as to say that the performance deserved tears but not for good reasons. Simon's railing gets cut off by the bumper music and now he is officially in bitch mode. Poor Kellie, in a year from now she'll be begging a casting agent not to get any pottery in her eye.

Paris Bennett picks the song "The Way We Were" by Barbara Streisand. She explains this very wisely that she has to be careful about choosing a love song since she's so young. This is why I root for her. She may be young but she gets it. I HATE when teenagers sing songs too "old" for them and expect to be taken seriously. How the fuck can you take "How Do I Live Without You" seriously when it's sung by a girl in a training bra? Anyway, Taskmaster and Bocelli LOVE Paris.

Alright, all the girls on the show must have been bitches this week. Paris, sans extensions this week, has her hair feathered to the point that 1977 called and said it wanted that haircut back. Seriously though, I could listen to her sing all day...if I liked pop music.

The judges weren't overwhelmed. Simon abruptly says it was old fashioned, still peeved about being cut off earlier.

Taylor Hicks is gonna sing "Just Once" by James Ingram. Oh, I know this one! This is the song about the guy who falls in love with his friend's girlfriend. When the girl gets knocked up and dumped. The guy sells all his stuff including his nice stereo to pay for her abortion. He takes care of her they get it on. He scrapes up enough money to buy her a bracelet for her birthday. When he shows up at her birthday party he finds her making out with the guy who knocked her up. Then he drives away crying. Doesn't ring a bell? Well it would if you had seen "The Last American Virgin". "Just Once" plays over the credits and the dude is driving and crying in the rain no less in the greatest ending to an 80's teen movie EVER!!!

Anywhoo Taskmaster thinks Taylor has the most charisma of all the contestants. Also, I have never seen Randy ever pleased when someone tries to sing this song. I also have no idea how Taylor is gonna spaz out to this one.
I like this song and I like Taylor, but I don't like him singing this song. I just can't see this version playing in the background while some chump drives off crying for not letting a ho be a ho. Randy calls it Karaoke and the wrong song and not half as good as the original. Paula fumbles through a half assed compliment. Simon equates it to a bad hotel lounge act..Paula cuts him off to remind Taylor that we love him.

Chris is going to sing "Have You Ever Really Loved a Woman", by Bryan Adams. Excuse me, I'm going to take a hot poker and shove it up my pee hole now. I knew bringing up the Three Musketeers of Crap last week would come back to haunt me. He calls this song amazing. I not only wish him to not win this contest now, I wish him excruciating pain.

His session with the Taskmaster and Bocelli is somewhat entertaining. They make him lay on the floor and instruct him on using his diaphragm. Wait, that doesn't sound right at all.

This song combined with Chris is so painful the only thing I can do to make it through is to think of Ellen Cleghorne's parody of this song "Have You Ever Really Paid for Oral Sex with a Woman" during the whole Hugh Grant scandal. In his defense, he does pronounce it as "Whoa-man" which is how all the cool kids say it. He does kinda get all psycho killer intense near the end to boot. The judges are all back on the Chris train. Honestly, he probably is the one to beat.

Bottom Three

1. Paris
2. McPhee
3. Pickler

Pickler has to go. Seriously yo!

P.S. I tried to do my best to vote McPhee. after 18 busy signals I gave up. That's perfectly normal right?

Tags: American Idol, TV, Reality TV

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Aborted Saved by the Bell Piece

Okay, I spent this morning writing what turned out to be 1000 words on Saved By the Bell and my pitch for a TV soap starring old TNBC characters. I refuse to let it see the light of day. I still have the OC recap in the hole (I finished the screencaps last night) and I will have the American Idol recap up late tonight. Some good news, though, I found my copy of Mr. T's "Be Somebody or Be Somebody's Fool" which also features the cast of Kids Inc. including a very young Fergie from Black Eyed Peas.

Later.

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Grey's Anatomy -Clip Show thoughts

Grey's Anatomy- Clip Show (Damage Control)

Let me start off by saying, yes, I know this is a total chick show. I ignored the first season and didn't catch on to the show until a friend turned me on to it. The first hook for me was that this show stars Patrick Dempsey, better known to me as Ronald Miller from "Can't Buy Me Love" one of my favorite teen-movies of all time. This is the movie that had the great African Ant-Eater Ritual dance and Malachi from "Children of the Corn" slamming Ronald Miller against an arcade game yelling out "You shit on my house!!!" Anyway, he may be McDreamy to y'all but he'll always be Dr. Houseshitter to me. Throw in the hot chick from "My Father, Gerard Depardieu" and Roswell as Izzie Stevens, and Christina Yang, who was Rita Wu from Arli$$ and "Sideways" and I'll at least watch.

So for now, I'm hooked and not because of the Merde-Houseshitter storyline. Frankly, those are the two characters I care about the least. Merde is a whiny, self-absorbed, self-pitying, selfish, waif. Houseshitter is emotionally manipulative, majorly passive-aggressive, and the type of guy who tries to come across as being sensitive when really he's a selfish jerk. Plus, he really did shit on Malachi's house and used Cindy Mancini's poem to try to get some. So yeah i have issues with that guy.

The supporting cast is what makes it for me. Even though Merde is the central figure , it's strongest episodes are really when the show is treated as an ensemble, since the supporting characters and the actors who play them are so strong. Of course, when the show is called "Grey's Anatomy" we can't have Meredith Grey become the target of loathing because who wants to watch a show where the lead character sucks.

So what do they do...they air a clip show where they they get to gloss over the character flaws of Merde and Houseshitter while they bring us up to date. The show itself reviews the episodes they've shown since Super Bowl Sunday. I have two main problems with they way they presented this.First, in the sequence where we have to relive the horrifying night George and Merde had "can you really call it that?" sex, in the aftermath, they show Meredith trapping George in the elevator to apologize and declare that she'll always there for him. Then later in the clip series we see George decide move out. Ummm okay, that's great right? Except THAT'S NOT HOW IT HAPPENED!!!!!

The apology came after the move out and it didn't happen until a full episode after George had moved out. Meredith avoided talking about it with George after they slept together and was such a B that George 's past disillusioned view of Mer, at the very least, caring about him was shattered and was enough to drive him out of the house. It wasn't until George showed Mer his figurative testicles and proved he wasn't going to be her doormat that she finally gathered the nerve to trap him in the elevator and apologized. They way they presented it with the apology first, then George leaving makes her look a great deal more like a sympathetic character than she was actually portrayed. SHENANIGANS!!!!

Second, okay up to this point we have Houseshitter, getting involved with Mer, hiding the fact he had a wife. Wife comes to Seattle, saying she has to know if the marriage can be salvaged. Houseshitter has to dump Mer after the "Pick Me, Choose me, Love Me" which he had to regardless on principal. He chooses to save the marriage and be with his wife...so he can pretty much have her move to Seattle and he can punisher up close and personal for her infidelity every hour of every day. So he chooses his wife, but still wants to sniff around Mer, even though she ain't havin' it. He keeps pushing it and promises that he wants to be Mer's friend. What a great guy right? Well, of course they skip around most of the longing looks he's given her ever since he decided to be married again. They also skip the scene where his triflin ass decides that he might wanna try to kiss her the first time he gets her hyperventilating in the closet. If you relied on the clip show alone to catch you up, you'd think that his affection for Mere was more on a subconscious level rather than the very aware, deliberate, level we've actually seen. After all, we can't have our McDreamy be the type of guy who shits on his friend's houses now can we?

I will admit I'm curious to see how the Izzy-Denny thing is gonna play out. I like George's reluctant courtship of Dr. Husky. I love Alex, Wang, and Dr. Burke and the backstory of the Chief and Mere's Mom sucks me in as well..and Bailey just rocks! I'll have a review of next week's episode...I just figured I'd warm up a bit

Tags: Grey's Anatomy, TV

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Friday Wind Down

First of all, there will be an OC recap over the weekend. It seems like a fresh start as we head into the finale. Except for the KiKi scene at the end.

Corrections: The Tag Team article on the Fabs and the Road Warriors was pushed to the archives the second I posted yesterday the article is here

After finally being able to watch SNL the other day and seeing Pearl Jam have two awesome sets, I did alot of early 90's reminiscing. Last night I was watching old Nirvana clips which led to Alice in Chains and then back to Pearl Jam unplugged. It took me back to a great stretch in indie,alternative,grunge (whatever your term for it is) where there was so much great stuff being released. Sadly, that era ended like the other great musical eras in my lifetime...hit song, three word song title, shitty shitty band that sterilizes the genre. In this case the culprit was "Hold My Hand" by Hootie and the Blowfish. Seriously it works...just like "Ice, Ice, Baby" by Vanilla Ice marked the end of hip-hop's halcyon days and "The Right Stuff" by New Kids On the Block bookended a great period of R&B Dance music of the late 80's. I'm sure I could make the argument for "Achy, Breaky, Heart" if I knew anything about country music outside of the song "Cadillac Style"

Anyway, there is no point other than I really miss those days. I remember I had a black cardigan and ripped jeans that I wore all the time. I also had a cut off flannel shirt that I would have worn more often, but the "Aaron Neville" look wasn't quite what I was going for at the time. Just warning you...there will be more on this...

I was stoked to see that the remaining episodes of Love Monkey are being released on VH1. This show should have been given a chance if only to see more of Julia on the show.

Seriously, Rent It!
Harold and Kumar go to White Castle
The Warriors
People can have strange rules about friendships. Some people don't like beatniks. Some people can't stand liars. Some people can't be friends with people who shit their pants. For me, starting now, I have a two year grace period for my friends to see at least one of these movies if they haven't already. Otherwise, I'll have to blackball them.


Here's the Friday Yacht Rock Quote!!

"Hey guys...you seen my lucky harpoon?" -Koko Goldstien Yacht Rock #2

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4:20 - Fab's article - Urbandictionary

clap, clap, clap-clap-clap It's 4-20!!!

I don't mind being wrong when it's soooo right! See ya Ace!!! I love when they make one of the finalists choose between groups. It's usually the highlight of the season for me. Next week Andrea Bocelli is the guest star. Wha?? He's going to guide the Idols through classic love songs. I mean this in all seriousness, if one of the Idols sings Por Ti Volare I will turn on this show faster than Bill Dundee on Jerry "The King" Lawler. You don't F with that song!

There is a cool article on Scotty Bowden's favorite Tag Teams. This week he features the Road Warriors and the Fabulous Ones. Click here.

Showdown: T-Pain's "I'm in Love with a Stripper" v. Wyclef Jean's "Perfect Gentleman" (with the line in the chorus, "Called up my mama, said I'm in love with a stripper, yo") Which song better captures the essence of being in love with a stripper?

Random time killer: www.urbandictionary.com Seriously, there isn't a more jacked up resource on these internets. Look up your town and see if it it has a cool "street name" like the ATL, Strong Island, or the Yay Area. Great for keeping up with the crazy kidspeak. Suggested terms to get you started: trombone, strawberry shortcake, danza slap. I LOVE the sample sentences of most of the definitions. Check it out!

Finally...

Yes, I did go see a band last night. They were Sublimey crossed with Everlast post House of Pain. They weren't bad at all...played out, but not bad...but there were four of them...and they weren't twice as good as the Fabulous JP's so add them to the list. I'm going to dig around my old tapes to see if I can put a sample on here in time for the biography-behind the music I plan to start later next week.

Be smart today!!! Make your 7-11 runs early to avoid the rush!!

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OC Recap- The Dawn Patrol

OC Recap- The Dawn Patrol

Okay here it is. I'm just getting it in under the wire. I'll be more timely with these in the future. True there were problems with the screencaps and the layout, but there was another thing that kept me from finishing this recap which was I HATED THIS EPISODE!!!! It was painful to watch and painful to write about. The biggest problem I had with this episode was the Marissa redemption. They have fallen into this trap where Marissa has become the most abhorable character on this show. However since she is one of the main characters they are stuck with her, so to boost her up a bit they give her a storyline where she does something slightly admirable while writing the other featured characters like assholes to make her look good by comparison. Cheap cheap gimmick to bail out a shitty character. They did the same thing on Smallville with Lana, they've done it here on the OC numerous times with Marissa and they are starting to do it on Grey's Anatomy with Meredith. I hate it and it makes me hate a show that does it!

On the plus side we begin to wrap up some horrible storylines as we head into the home stretch towards the season finale. It hasn't been soon enough. This episode focuses on four different story lines featuring Ryan, Seth, Marissa, and Sandy. Instead of doing a chronological recap I'll break it down by character.

Ryan's Story

Ryan has to deal with his upcoming graduation. After some brief bickering and snark Kiki encourages Ryan to go see his Mom in Albuquerque even though Sandy Doesn't;t think it's a good idea. Kiki wins out and shares some really nice mothering moments with Ryan, something we don't see enough of on the show. We really haven't seen enough of Kiki at all this season.
Ryan gets to Albuquerque to find his Mom is off shift at the diner. He meets a cute waitress who creepily starts some "knows way too much about Ryan" banter with him. Upon introduction, she should have just winked and licked her lips saying "I KNOW who you are, yo!" Cute Waitress is just that. Cute. She has that "not Marissa" thing going for her that makes her 10,000 times more attractive than she actually is. She's really excited for Dawn that Ryan is in town. He tells cute waitress he'll be back. After he leaves Cute Waitress starts to get that "I'm gonna have sex with the son of my friend and co-worker" look in her eye. Don't be coy, you know which look I'm talking about! This one!
Ryan comes back later that night and stalks his Mom, watching her waitressing through the diner window. He's not quite ready to confront her yet. He stays outside. Cute Waitress is conveniently off work. She asks Ryan if he wants to go somewhere and "talk or something". Ryan recently freed from the shackles of wussitude that is Marissa, agrees. Playa Play!

Cute waitress and Ryan end up in a bar where 32 year old Ryan is all "heh, I'm underage and I'm drinking beer". Cute Waitress gives Ryan the update on Dawn's new man. Apparently he's a tattooed biker with a big snake...as a pet. Poor Ryan has been through this before and he sees history repeating itself. All he needs is a genetic facial deformity and he'd be just like that kid in MASK. Cute Waitress asks Ryan to dance and he pulls a "Brandon Walsh don't dance" but he dances anyway. Girl! Seconds later they are stumbling into his hotel room getting nekkid.

Next morning, Slutty Waitress is all about to bounce with the "let's keep it on the down low" speech. She sees the Graduation tickets and makes a comment how Dawn and her new man are going to fit right in with the Noopsies. She wants the social class disparity caught on film. Bitch! As she leaves, Ryan gets the "I think I'm gonna pull a dick move and not invite my Momma" look. Uh-oh. He calls Seth which pushes him over the asshat side. He's decided to not tell Dawn about graduation. Yeah, whatever, like that ever works!

Ryan gets to the diner and Dawn turns into a puddle. Ryan gets the "Oh snap, i'm a dick!" look on his face. His plan of dickery falls apart in about five seconds since Slutty Waitress has already told Dawn that Ryan was in town and also told Dawn about his graduation to which she accepts the graduation invite before she's even invited. Slutty Waitress has now screwed Ryan twice.

Later, back at Ryan's hotel Dawn and Slutty Waitress are showing him the dress she just bought for his graduation. Ryan's dickishness can't be contained and he tells Dawn that the ceremony is stupid and a waste of time and that he and Seth are gonna just "blow off" graduation and go out of town so she doesn't really need to go. RYAN! Writers come on! If Ryan were going to be a dick he would have just told his Mom the truth. That's who he is. Don't force this bullshit turn on him! Mom calls him on it and splits. RYAN=DICKHEAD!!!

Ryan explains to slutty waitress Dawns pattern of dating drunks who in turn have abuse Dawn and Ryan his entire pre-Cohen life. Slutty Waitress gets all self righteous and tells Ryan that Dawn met new guy in Rehab and he's been sober for 12 years and that he takes care of her and buys her shit. Ryan's like, gee I wish you would have told me that before we had sex! Slutty Waitress offers to drive him to the airport but she has to make a stop on the way. This. Sucks.
Slutty Waitress takes Ryan to the Diner and totally invades Dawn privacy by showing him the Ryan Shrine Dawn has in her locker...you know how this ends...sigh.

Sandy's Story

Sandy and Matt have a brief scene in the forgettable hospital storyline. Matt is convinced he can get, Dr. Griffin, a guy who has already had him beaten to a pulp, to pay for his lost earnings and "pain and suffering" by blackmailing him. Yeah, whatever, like that ever works! Seriously, writers! Quit it y'all! What's next? Matt starts a website for pet supplies? He concocts a scheme to plant a finger in Wendy's Chili? He's going to start dating Marissa? THIS. Sucks.

Sandy meets with Dr. Griffin and tells him to lay off Matt. Dr. Griffin cautions him to stop worrying about Matt and focus on the Kajillion dollars they are going to make on this hospital deal. While you're at it Sand-Man why don't you also focus on your smoking-hot recovering alcoholic wife. Instead you're turning into Darth Sandy or worse Kiki's Dad! I hear that works wonders for a marriage.

Sandy tells Matt to get his happy ass out of dodge. Matt, the dumbass young business exec of the year, says by having incriminating evidence, he holds all the cards. STUUUUPIDDD!!!!

Meanwhile, Kiki with nothing better to do. Tells Sandy she's had enough of his shady business shenanigans and what they really need is a quiet romantic dinner. Sandy agrees and promises her he'll be there...except he isn't...SANDY=DICKHEAD!!!

Matt meets with Dr. Griffin to exchange the money for the evidence. Of course, Dr. Griffin is simply there to take the evidence and beat Matt silly again. Sandy sneaks around the back door takes the evidence out of Matt's car. He stops Matt's planned beating by telling Dr. Griffin Matt was bluffing. Doc and his goons leave. Sandy gives Matt some F.U. money to get out of town.

Meanwhile, Kiki isn't going to stand there with her cheese in the wind. She throws Sandy's dinner in the garbage. Pull out a bottle of wine and clutches it...until she decides against it and pours it out. Sandy comes home, with no dinner, cold shoulder from wifey, marriage in the shitter, but incriminating evidence to store in the safe.

Seth's Story

Okay this is hurting way too much. Long story short. Summer is determined to get to the bottom of why Seth dumped her. She and Taylor decide to set it up to where She and Seth have detention together. Meanwhile, Cohen mopes and sticks to his guns about lying about not getting into Brown.

They go to "detention" in the school lounge where Summer re-enacts the famous coffee cart scene. She hops her adorable self on top of the stand and declares her love for Cohen. She tells Cohen to look her in the eye and tell her he doesn't love her anymore...seriously yo...Yeah, whatever, like that ever works! Cohen, who obviously has no problem lying to Summer, tells her he doesn't love her. She yells at Cohen to leave. SETH =DICKHEAD!!!!

He does have a change of heart at the end of the episode, but instead of just telling Summer the truth, he enlists Ryan into helping him concoct a scheme to get into Brown. THIS. SUCKS.

Marissa's Story

Blech we return from the credits with F'N Marissa, She's greeted by Volchock who snuck in the house. Julie walks in and gives the first of many verbal smackdowns to Greasy McSlimy. Julie decides this is the week where she actively gets involved in Marissa's life and takes the "Stay the hell away from my daughter stance". Yeah, whatever, like that...oh I give up! Sigh.

The meat of this plot line is that at one of those out of control Newport Beach Public School Surfer ragers at Volchock's, Mean girl Heather is at the party and we see her at first already drunk and stripping and all into one of Volchock's punk-ass buddies.
Marissa spies punk-ass slipping roofies into already blitzed out of her mind Mean Girl Heather's drink. Talk about overkill. What exactly does he have planned for Heather that she wouldn't be willing to do already? Does he have a donkey and a webcam stashed out back?

It turns out punk-ass and his buddies decide to play Casey Jones and start riding that train in a van outside the house. Marissa breaks it up. She runs back to Julie crying. She's the winner of this weeks morality challenge on the OC. Instead of Berkeley Marissa should be admitted into STFU!!! Hate.

Next Epsisode: Anna, I'm-not-trying-to-be-Watts-from "Some kind of Wonderful" is back. Theresa is back with some Baby Mamma drama for Ryan!

Tags: The OC, TV

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American Idol-Great American Songbook Night

Tags: American Idol, Reality TV, TV

American Idol Recap- American Songbook Night


Last week: So long Bucky!

My favorite list now looks like this
1. McPhee
2. Paris
3. Taylor
4. Elliott
5. Pickler
6. Chris
7. Die! Ace Die!

This week it's the Great American Songbook night on Idol. Which means we get to hear standards all night long. Our special guest this week is Rod Stewart, who supposedly has sold over 16 million copies of his series of albums of American standards. It doesn't matter. Rod Stewart has been dead to me for these three reasons. 1) The cover of Tom Waits "Downtown Train"
2) The cover of Van Morrison's "Have I Told You Lately"
3) The theme song to Three Musketeers which he sang with Sting and Bryan Adams. That wretch of a song was "All for One and All for Love". Do you remember how that video was equally as disgusting as the title? It was the one where they all hung out toasting each other, showing off their camaraderie as if they were the Three Musketeers of sappy, non-threatening, really crappy music...which I guess they were.

They start this week's behind the scenes with the Idols and their vocal coaches huddled around the piano. The Idols serenade Rod as he enters with a "spontaneous" group sing of "You're in my Heart". Oh wait, on closer inspection of the spazzing old guy, it's Robin Williams with a Rod Stewart wig on...I think...I'm so confused.

Chris is first up to bat tonight. He's going to sing "What a Wonderful World". A song I remember fondly from "Good Morning Vietnam". In the warmups with Rod, Chris sings the line "I hear babies cry" to which Rod promptly pantomimed. Oh man, if he doesn't knock that shit off I'm quitting right now!!!!

Chris looks rather smart with a pinstripe vest, rolled up sleeves and a pocket chain. He's either ditched the black eye make-up or it's unavailable to him this week. He tones it way down for this song and carries a sensitive, pensive look on stage. He looks rather uncomfortable though. I guess he can't pull out a Scott Stapp pose this week so he's kinda lost there. His vocals are strong as usual and to an untrained ear like mine sounds good.

The judges love him and Simon decides this is the week that he eases off Chris. Simon also decides to take credit for breaking Chris out the of ass-rock box he had trapped himself in.

Paris, wearing an orange business suit and sporting the ponytail weave, comes out and exchanges Easter updates with Ryan. Nothing small talk here until Ryan reveals that Simon dressed up as the Easter Bunny and laid eggs at his house. WTF??? Then suddenly "Secret Lovers" plays in the background and there's a close up of Paula looking at Simon and Ryan while rolling her eyes. Okay, not really. Rod compares Paris to Billie Holiday. I guess. Seriously, Paris looks like she's headed to a power lunch, a meeting with the CFO, and then drinks with the boys from Regional. She sings "Foolish Things", which I had never heard before.

Paris does her weekly "Hooks from Police Academy" transformation. Gone is the baby girl voice and she goes up on stage and kicks much ass. She has such a pleasing robust voice. The best way to describe her is "smokey". Hey there are no sexual connotations there! She's only 17! Get your mind out of the gutter, Pervs! All of you!

The judges love her. Simon compares her speaking voice to Minnie Mouse. Is still say "Hooks" mofo! Her "Thank You" to other words in the English language ratio is about 8 to 1 this week.

This week Taylor is going to sing Sam Cooke's, "You Send Me". Ryan brings up the parody of Taylor on this week's SNL. He takes it as an honor (Hell Yeah!) but he botches the cliched response by saying "Flattery is a great form of humor." Wha huh? Well, maybe he has a point there. My friends and I all like to get drunk together and just sing each others praises and shower each other with compliments as we laaaaaugh all night long. Meanwhile, on Wilmer Valderama's "Yo Momma!", I saw this hilarious exchange:

"Yo Momma is so good lookin', she's more beautiful than a supermodel, yo! Booyah!"
"Oh yeah, Dawg? Yo Momma is so smart, everybody calls her Mrs. Einstein! Whazzup?"

Trust me. It was off the CHAIN funny...yes, I'm an asshole. Rod encourages him not to repress the dancer within no matter what Simon says. He says "you need to grab the audience by the *bleep*" What did he say that had to be bleeped? It couldn't be "balls", since they've already thrown the word "ballsy" around. How can you bleep the noun but not the adjective? He must have said something like "schlong' or "gonads". "Coochie" maybe? "Poonanny"? "Va Jay Jay?" Oh yeah, I forgot to tell you. I'm also a 12 year old asshole.

Taylor is wearing his usual suit and black shirt and like his clothes, his singing stays perfectly within his comfort zone. He's very subdued this week and his gravelly voice really is fun to listen to. He stays subdued until he sees a lit cigarette on stage and really wants to make sure he puts it out. It was just enough to keep it "Soul Patrol" real, but not annoy or frighten anyone. I'm hoping that he'll pull out the John Belushi as Joe Cocker swimming on the floor bit before it's all said and done.

The judges have loved everyone so far and it's totally justified.


Elliott is going to perform "It Had to be You". Yay! I actually went through a Harry Connick Jr. phase while I was in college and I've seen "When Harry Met Sally" at least 80 times. So I have a strong affection for this song. In fact, I'm singing it to myself as I'm typing this, and boy do I sound AWESOME!!! Elliott tells us he grew up singing standards so I think he might knock this one out of the park.

Wrongo! It's not his singing since his voice is great, but first of all, the background singers echo the lyrics during every single fucking pause!! Not only does it suck, but it's suckiness totally distracts the listener from Elliott's voice. Fuckers!

The next criticism is on you Elliott. I think he's trying too hard to emote and connect with the audience. It takes away from the performance of the song, which is supposed to be a personal admission of love. Instead, he sings the song wide-eyed and smiley like he's singing it to cheese. Not just one piece of cheese, but to a whole row of cheese in his dairy section. Y'all know how much I hated his "Somebody to Love" last week so I won't rant again. Trust me, I have sung this song to every girl I have dated and if I sang it like he sang it I'd be single...and alone...just like I am now...sigh.

Anyhoo...Simon tells him the performance lacked a certain amount of personality. Well, if he meant that the performance was creepy then I agree wholeheartedly. The Feelgood Squad band together to defend Elliott even though Simon was totally right.

Kellie Pickler is up next and gets confused when Rod Stewart makes a joke about lyrics and words being the same thing. She ends the coaching session with Rod by saying, "Well, you really took a load off of my chest." To which he chuckles creepily at the camera. Looks like I'm not the only 12 year old asshole. They'll probably be married in five years.

She is going to sing "Bewitched, Bothered, and Bewildered" which kinda sums up everything about the Pickler-Idol experience. She looks great in a hot pink dress. Hmmm Paris wore orange...if the girls all wear bright radiant colors that could be a nightmare for big-assed McPhee. Pickler does have quite the sultry voice and is kickin the sex-ay tonight. Then the train runs off the track. She gets way ahead of the music and develops a panic induced tightness in her voice.

She admits that she "butchered" it and the judges don't disagree. She handles the disaster gracefully, but she still might be in trouble tomorrow night.

Ace...blinding rage...HATE!!! He sings "That's All", which I remember Adam Sandler singing in the "Wedding Singer". I'm gonna keep this short since I'm about to start breaking keys. Ace leaves Rod Stewart and hops into a time machine to the late 80's. Ace Gekko, the Wall Street robber baron pops up on stage, hair slicked back and tied up. The song is the safest possible choice for him and he doesn't do anything to hang himself. He does manage to stick his ultra-painful falsetto near the end of the song, which make me want to hang myself.

To be fair (grrr) he does seem like a nice guy and genuinely gets really excited when Simon simply says "It wasn't bad". He knows he's the weakest one left and the criticism week after week must have really sucked. It's possible that Ace might have leap-frogged Pickler tonight.

The show closes with Katharine McPhee. This night was tailor made for her. She enlists the help of Rod Stewart to help her narrow down her choices from "I Only Have Eyes for You", "The Way You Look Tonight" and an unknown song that Rod Stewart says that he's gonna sing on the show. Man, I hope her last choice was "Young Turks" That song ruled! She settles on "Someone to Watch Over Me". Wow, hell of a choice. I had the Moonlighting soundtrack with Linda Rondstat's version on it and I used to play the shit out of that tape. If there was ever a sure bet for a solid performance this would be it.

She doesn't disappoint. Kat comes out wearing an all black pants suit (whew) and looks amazing. Chris is totally gonna kick her ass though, for stealing his make up as she's got really heavy circles around her eyes. Still, she looks absolutely gorgeous tonight. Okay, an ex-girlfriend once called me out for having a thing for "Plain-Looking White Girls". She was right. Factor in McPhee's ghetto booty and I'm hooked.

Now here's how you get the job done. She's sitting on the steps on the stage and she totally comes off as vulnerable and longing, yet hopeful. Just like the song suggests. The killer though, is that she lets her bubbly personality sneak out and flashes a smile whenever she knows the camera is close up. That McPhee...she's crafty...and she's just my type!
The judges gush. Simon says she makes everyone else looks like "good amateurs" and says she's in a different league. Now here's why I hate Paula...Simon keeps trying to heap on praise while Paula keeps interrupting him and getting all up in his kool-aid with her doped up jibber jabber. HO!

This competition is probably going to remain up in the air up until the very end. For all my wise-ass remarks I'm actually enjoying this years batch of finalists...well, everyone except for Ace.

Bottom Three predictions
1) Elliott
2) Pickler
3)Ace

Elliott is probably gone.

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Updates. Corrections, Excuses, and Bad Archie

First of all I'd like to thank y'all for checking out Tortilla Chips and Milk during its first week. A week ago if you googled "Tortilla Chips and Milk" this blog showed up on page two of the search results. Now it's the first search result...Which might not mean anything at all. At least now I can just tell people to google Tortilla Chips and Milk.

Okay the lyrics used for "Let a Ho be a Ho" were actually from the version off the Geto Boys' self-titled Def American release. The Grip it! On that Other Level version has an extra verse. If you really want to hear it call me up. I'll rap it to ya.

I'll have the American Idol recap up late tonight.

The OC recap...I'm still working on it...It'll be worth it trust me.

I was reintroduced to the site www.superdickery.com recently, which features moments where Superman is being a complete and utter tool. Really funny stuff. The site also has a section called Seduction of the Innocent which highlights intentional/unintentional sexual innuendo in comic books. Here's one of my favorites. Bad Archie!
look out for Spiderman getting an A$$ punch as well!

Later!

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Songs you should know - Let a Ho be a Ho!

While Tortilla Chips and Milk is still trying to find it's identity (How do you like that? I've embodied the blog AND referred to it in the third person!) I'm going to throw out different ideas for recurring topics. Today, I'm going to delve into my iPod and take a closer look at a song that I consider one of my favorites that you probably haven't heard before. For my first choice, we'll take a trip back to apx. 1990 and the Fifth Ward section of H-Town(Houston) and revisit, Willie D, Akshen/Scarface, Ready Red, and Bushwick Bill, the trigga happy muthaf*ckin Geto Boys. Now the first time I heard of the Geto Boys was on MTV news where they reported that the Geto Boys video for "Do it like a G.O" had been banned from the network. They showed the clips of the video and all I can remember was a midget waving a stick or machete around. It was the coolest 15 seconds of music video I had ever seen. Naturally, I had to hunt for this album and purchase it ASAP. Back in the day Tipper Gore was leading her war against profanity in music so I had to go to three different record stores before I could buy it since I was under 18 at the time. I'm not one to complain about the good ole' days, but seriously, nowadays any kid with a computer can download hardcore porn, but I had to be 18 to experience "explicit lyrics". Fuck them, fuck them up their stupid asses!!!!

Okay, so I pop the cassette in my car and had to pull over because I was laughing so hard at the classics "Gangsta of Love", "Read these Nikes" and "Size Ain't Shit" (rapped by Bushwick Bill, a midget) . The album was more vile than anything I had heard at the time. The Geto Boys were worse than NWA, worse than 2LiveCrew, worse than Too$hort, and I soaked it all in like any curious suburban kid would. Most of their songs focused on the usual Gangsta Rap topics like Slangin 'cane, fuckin the ho's, and beatin a nigga down. There was one song however that served as a cautionary tale. It was a four and a half minute dissertation on life that Willie D preached to the other Geto Boys. It was a lesson that, whenever I have strayed from it's teachings, I have paid the price. From Paj's vault I present:

Let a Ho be a Ho
Artist: The Geto Boys
Album: Grip it! On that Other Level

My comments in italics. The song features a sped up sample of Pink Floyd's "Money" the song is upbeat and flows really nicely with the bassline. The introduction is a spoken exchange after some cash register sound effects.

Akshen: Yo D! What's up with this cash register shit?
Willie D: Aw that's just what the average Ho sees every she looks at a modren(sic) day man.
Akshen: Ain't that the muthaf*ckin' truth.
Willie D: Yeah and these fickle ass minded niggas wonder why a ho be with them one day and another goofy muthafucker the next.
Akshen: I say you kick some more of that shit D!

Yeahhhhh! There seems to be a lot of motherf*ckers blind to the fact
That a ho is gonna be just that
And this type of ignorance is the very
Reason why so many niggas in the god-d*mned cemetery
Now before you think this line is silly, think "Helen of Troy" for a sec. Yeah...I gots no love for ho's
Intelligence is on call
You don't treat a ho like a queen who behaves like a dog
Are you the type who wont put a ho in front of a trigger?
Then youse a ho assed nigga
Sadly, my friends and I are all " Ho-Ass Niggas"...as far as I know anyways
Godd*mned hound
Pound for pound
You knew the ho when she was f*cking the whole town
She f*cked you and gave your buddies a blow
But your trick *ss fell in love with the ho
Tried to change her make her be an angel
You keep putting your d*mn life in danger
This is one of my favorite bad rhyme schemes in all of hip-hop. It's second only to "Shawty crunk, on the flo wide open. Skeet so much they call her Billy Ocean"
Fronting niggas about that slutty *ss trifling crow
You gotta let a ho be a ho
In defense of this song I've always stood firm that "Ho" means an actual prostitute and not a woman in general. I have never been sure though.
She's a ho! D, how the fu*k you know?
Every time I see the ho she’s with a new negro
I giggle like a little girl every time I hear this line. Without fail. Every. Time.
She's the type of ho that's bound
To wear shorts up her *ss when your friends come around
She's the kinda ho that'll make you cry
The kinda ho you have to call before you come by
So why do you wanna kill when she says no more?
You ain’t the first to be dumped by a godd*mned whore
Crazy mother f*ckers fighting over ho's
Stealing for their *sses and jumping out of windows
If a ho wants out I let her skanky *ss go
Cos ima let a ho be a ho
Still not sure Willie is talking about prostitutes or women here. Comments? Thoughts? Anyone?

Willie D: Now do you all understand me so mutherfuckin far?
All: (sheepishly) Yeah...
Akshen: Hell yeah! I remember I let this one ho named Tina use my car, the bitch went to go see another nigga!
Willy D: (laughs) I fucked that ho!
Akshen:(in disbelief) muthafuckin right?
Willy D: Ask Bushwick and Red
Red: He went up in that bitch man
Bushwick: On the fer realla my nigga
See? Even the most hardcore gangsta is succeptible to ho trickery. There is no shame in admitting it, even if you are a Geto Boy.
Willy D: Akshen man I'm telling you...

I f*cked that ho before you even knew her
Made her p*ssy go brrrrr when I stuck my d*ck to her
I knew she was a ho the first time I met her
So I got another ho and took them to the other level of the game
Got them high as a kite
And f*cked both of those hoes that godd*mned night
Then I sat back and relaxed
As they 69ed and ate each others cats
I dropped tham off at home
God d*mn look at this sh*t my wallets gone!
This also actually happened to a friend of mine. He got rolled by two girls he picked up in a strip joint. I would say that it wasn't funny because it happened to someone I knew...but I would be a liar.
The ho's beat me but I left it alone
And used that sh*t as a stepping stone
I played it off the next time I saw the hoe
I just laughed and f*cked her *ss some more
She licked my *ss and sucked my balls
And if I feel right now I can get to them drawers
I'm not sure that he says "drawers' here but it's probably closer than my first guess which was "Lou Rawls"(I thought it was some street slang or something)
You gotta let a ho be a ho

Willie D: Yeah buddy Willie D ain't gonna let these ho's get him down. I ain't wining and dinin over none of you ho's I ain't buyin' you no leather, no suede, no jewray, no contacts, lee nails...I ain't buyin you no hair, no make-up, FOOD! None of that good shit!!
I always thought it was great that "FOOD" is included in the "good shit" list.
Bushwick: Tell 'em D!
You gotta let a ho be a ho!

Peace!

Tags: Songs You Should Know, Music

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Inside the NBA Screencaps

Aight, you're gonna get a little bit of everything here at Tortilla Chips and Milk. I'm quite the basketball junkie and I'm especially a fan of the NBA. Last night on TNT's outstanding wrap up show Inside the NBA, Reggie Miller wrapped up his first regular season as "anything is better than Magic" analyst with his Boom Baby Awards using this years Oscar nominated films as the theme.








Some pretty good stuff there, especially Crash and Good Night Good Luck. As a special treat Kenny Smith also gave us the first installment of Gone Fishin' a final snapshot of teams whose seasons are over.



First, we start out with Yao and T-Mac as the Houston Rockets won't be making the playoffs this year...


Then we end with your 2005-2006 New York Knicks and absolutely, this ship be sinkin'

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YACHT ROCK QUOTE DAY!!!

Okay, if you haven't heard of Yacht Rock, then Hi my name is Paj and I've obviously never met you. This will be a regular Friday thing. Seriously, if you haven't already, you must check this show out here at Channel 101

"Gino can get you everything you need. Fame, Fortune... Fashina."

-Oates, Yacht Rock Episode #8 "Gino the Manager"

I hit a snag with the OC recap and the screencaps I wanted to use. It will be up soon. In the meantime don't mope.

Tags: Yacht Rock

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Okay no American Idol recap today...My DVR didn't work right and I missed it while I was out. If I get let's say...five requests to do a recap of the results show I'll do one. Instead, I went out and saw a shitty acoustic duo. Man were they shitty. Put it this way, they were "one-of-their- songs-had-the-line "I see the orphans fly"-shitty." It's not like I had a bad time though. In fact, shitty band Wednesday Night is going to be a regular thing for me. Why? Because for every shitty band that I see I can add them to a very exclusive list. That list is called Bands who are not better than the Fabulous JP's.

Fabulous JP's? Instead of using my own words I'll take the introductions from their press kit:

Introducing your Mid-South Acoustic Tag Team Champions! First with his guitar "Big Money", hailing from "Every Mother's Nightmare, Every School Girl's Dream" The Gangster of Love "Stunnin'" Steve!! His partner is from the rough and tumble streets of JP-ville on vocals, the man with the plan, "Sweet" Stan.

Ah yes the Fabulous JP's, I can hear their theme song now. In the indie-rock alternative days of the late 90's the Fabulous JP's were so awesome that no one had even heard of them. Every time I have to suffer through a shitty band my mind wanders to the kick-ass guitar of Steve and Big Money and Stan's butter smooth vocals. For every pretentious lyric sung by a California Vagina Sailor I think back to songs like "Silent Boot", "Stan and Steve's Opus", and "The White Castle Song" and smile a nostalgia-laced smile.

Enough about the Fabulous JP's though. Fuck them they sold out. They didn't keep the fire. Their story will remain untold...until another band is added to the list.

I'm gonna try an OC recap tonight!

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Me and my iPod bored at work

My longtime friend JP and I were both TV kids so we remember the glorious time in our lives when we couldn't do anything else on Friday night but watch TV from a choice of four flippin channels. Anyway while reminiscing we came up with what is called the The Incredible Hulk-Dukes of Hazzard Effect. It's used to describe the mood swing from being anywhere from mildly melancholy/downright sad to pleased/extremely giddy for no apparent reason other than a change to your immediate surroundings.

Confused? Let's examine. Remember the Incredible Hulk show? Every week Bill Bixby would go to a new town start to form roots occasionally tapping a local, then he would turn into a big huge monster he has no control over and wreck the shit out the new place and then he'd have to leave. (OMG this is starting to sound like an allegory to my life cue the sadness early) Then you'd see Bill Bixby wearing tattered clothes walking down the road alone. To add to his misery he was forced to hitchhike which meant instantaneous death to any kid who watched Public Service Announcements. So you'd see him as the credits rolled and then the saddest piano music ever invented ("The Lonely Man Theme") would start playing. Since I was 8 years old that has been the television embodiment of sadness. Hearing this first notes which you can sample here breaks my tears out of eyejail.

Okay then you wait two minutes for commercials then you hear that rollicking music and the whiskey smooth voice of Waylon Jennings then you see that orange Dodge Charger with the doors welded shut spitting up dust. Fuck Bill Bixby it's Bo and Luke time baby! Dukes of Hazzard =Happiness.

What does this have to do with anything? I've just been recreating this effect since lunch. Sad to Happy, Sad to Happy, all thanks to my on-the-go playlist. Next up...Smooth music...

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Debut Post!!! American Idol - Queen Night!!!

Welcome to Tortilla Chips and Milk. No radical theories or rants here tonight. Instead of starting the blog on a drunken Saturday nite/morning I picked Tuesday which means American Idol. Okay I tried to quit this show I really did for two seasons I ignored it completely but for some reason I got sucked into it somewhere around Hollywood week. I think, for the most part, the finalists they chose are all likeable to a degree and there isn't anyone who makes me want to throw my remote control through my screen. I'm a sucker for cheezy singing and competitive reality shows so here I am.

Queen night! Okay I was a child of the 80's so of course I went through a period where "Another One Bites the Dust" was my favorite song because it was the Junkyard Dog's theme song for awhile. I got psyched up for many many games to "We Will Rock You", I almost wrecked my car trying to recreate the headbanging scene in the Wayne's World video to "Bohemian Rhapsody" and I lived in San Francisco for five years...
Okay, knowing what I know about the show and Queen this has the potential to be a train wreck of massive proportions and it can also provide those with "big" vocals an opportunity to separate themselves from the pack. Sadly, neither really happens but I've already typed a few paragraphs so I'm kinda shit out of luck.

Bucky starts us off with "Fat Bottomed Girls". He's already living on borrowed time due to the fortunate timing of Country Night. It's too bad though because I actually like him. He's genuine, has a non-offensive voice, and apparently he's pulled the twin switcheroo to help his twin brother get out of trouble with the cops ala The Killer Bees WWF tag team from way back.

He's ,of course, going to treat us with a country fried rock version of Queen. Surprisingly, it works well and I'm digging it. Unfortunately, they don't show a second of Katharine McPhee on the screen rockin' out, too bad, that would have been GOLD!!! If you think about it is there a more "If-it's-not-a-country-song-it-should-be" song than "Fat Bottomed Girls" ? Think about that next time you drive though West Virginia.

The judges are kind of meh but it doesn't really matter at this point. See you in bottom threesville Bucky.


Next up is Ace...Sure as a guy, any criticism I give will be written off as hair, looks, cool scar envy... Don't care...HATE!!! Anyway we see his clip rehearsing with Queen and his song for the evening, "We Will Rock You". Honestly, it's a great song choice. It's one of Queen's most popular songs, it's upbeat, and it has the most recognizable handclap cadence of all time. Off the top of my head I can't think of any song from that era that has aged any better. I mean handclaps, primal beats, chantable chorus and a strong guitar riff probably won't go out of style during my lifetime. I'll probably be at the movies using my seniors discount 30 years from now and still see trailers for shitty movies using "We Will Rock You"
Anyway, Ace decides he wants to fuck with the arrangement...ACE wants to FUCK with the ARRANGEMENT. I hear something about "army beats"??? The band diplomatically as possible says "no". I'm screaming to Mr. TV "Who the fuck do you think you are muthafucker!!!!".
The song starts out sucky and gets even suckier as it turns into "We Will Rock You" the cute and cuddly remix. Whenever I hear this song I associate it with football or leading armies into some gruesome primitive hand-to-hand combat. The only army befitting Ace's version would be an army of kittens, newborn baby girls, and otters.
The judges, save Paula, are quite harsh. There is a sign that says "Ace is a Full House" Well if they mean a vapid piece of fluff that owes it's television life to prepubescent girls, then yeah.


Okay, turn around bright eyes, Kellie Picker is up next. She sings "Bohemian Rhapsody" It's surprisingly not annoying to me, even though her vocals are kinda weak and she warbles through it a little. I was entertained. She has the potential to be one of the most charming personalities ever on the show...until she starts the dumb-hick-fish-out-of- water schtick that leads her this week to ask Simon what he means by the phrase "on paper" as in Kellie plus Bohemian Rhapsody "on paper" should have been shitty but it wasn't by the grace of God. I want to stab my left eye and my right ear to make this stop. Hopefully in the next few weeks she'll be sent back home where apparently they don't have calamari, sall-mon, mynx, ballsies, or paper.



It's hard to criticize the remaining contestants since they are either the strongest vocally or performance-wise or both. Professor Chris this week in Rocker-Cred 101 decides to perform an obscure Queen song called "Innuendo" which has never been performed live before. His performances are like European castles , sure they are great, but once you've seen one you've seen them all. Simon calls this performance indulgent and he's right. On these theme sights focusing on popular artists, people want to hear songs they know, sung to them how they are used to. There is no place in this cookie cutter pop music show for bullshit like "originality", especially when you're not being original you're just ripping off styles that aren't normally featured on this show. The guy is gonna be successful regardless on how he finishes on this show, but you're on American F'N Idol for goodness sake save the pretentiousness for when you're washed up, chewed up and spit out by the public. Still best vocals of the night. He sang the shit out of whatever that song was.


Okay I'll admit it. I have a crush..The McPheever if you will. That's why I got all excited to see Katharine bouncing around, rocking out and shakin' dat azz in her rehearsal with Queen. I figured this would be a big breakout moment for her like Kelly Clarkson on Big Band night. Instead, she has a change of heart and reverts to stationary...Boring...McPhee...snoooooorrrreeee.

Now the most entertaining thing about McPhee isn't necessarily her singing, but figuring out whether or not she was nice to her stylist during the week. Her "should be featured in Astronaut Jones" backside poses a problem I guess but is that belt really the answer??? I couldn't stop staring at it and wondering how that ever got the green light. Oh well...


Elliott sings "Somebody to Love". The band drowns him out a little at the beginning but that's not his fault. He's one of my favorites so I'm biased to the performance, which I thought was solid.

However, as a fan of the song, Elliott commits my number one pet peeve on this show. Nothing pisses me off more than when singers don't capture the mood of the song. I've always heard it as a desperate, tired, broken man pleading to have someone to share his life with to help him ease his pain. I prefer longing, I can accept hopefulness, but there is no place in this song for a "just throw your hands in the air and wave them like you just don't care" moment. Grrrr!!! It's okay Elliott I still voted for you 12 times.


Ma! The guy from O Brother Where Art Thou is running amok on my screen again!!! Make him stop!

Seriously though, I enjoy this guy and he's sticking with what brought him to the dance. He's the dark horse sorta kinda. Well not really that dark.



Okay another one of my favorites so I'll keep it short. Simon's recurring theme of Paris criticism has been that she's playing "dress up" with her performances. So when I saw her in front Queen with a simple white shirt and black jacket and her natural hair I was psyched. Hey, she looked so comfortable and great in rehearsal, that I was sooooo hoping they wouldn't fuck it up for her. Apparently, after Paris left rehearsal with Queen she went Beyond Tunderdome. Still, I love her singing and she has the best voice on the show.

Prediction: Bucky, Ace, and McPhee as a curveball for the bottom three.

Later days, Bucky.

Tags: American Idol, Reality TV, TV

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