Preacher Coming to HBO!!!

This is just incredible news. One of my favorite works in comics, "Preacher" by Garth Ennis, is coming to Cable TV. I'm totally, totally psyched for this. I think I'm gonna start marketing "Fuck Communism" Zippo lighters now. Let the fanboy dream casting begin! The thought of Jesse Custer, Tulip O'Hare, and Cassidy's, ultra-violent escapades every Sunday Night on HBO gives me the chills. All the great characters like, Jody, Hoover, Saint of All Killers, and Herr Starr are zooming through my head so fast, I can't stand it. I'm pulling the first trade paperback from the Tortilla Chips and Milk library right now. If you don't own them, I recommend you head to your nearest bookstore and buy them or camp in the aisle and read 'em! Here's the article from the Washington Post.
http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2006/11/29/AR2006112900139.html
LOS ANGELES (Hollywood Reporter) - HBO has seen the light and is bringing "Preacher" to the small screen.

The pay cable network is developing a one-hour series based on the popular Vertigo comics series.

"Preacher," which ran from 1995-2000, told the story of a down-and-out Texas preacher possessed by Genesis, a supernatural entity conceived by the unnatural coupling of an angel and a demon. Given immense powers, the preacher teamed with an old girlfriend and a hard-drinking Irish vampire and set out on a journey across America to find God -- who apparently had abandoned his duties in heaven -- and hold him accountable for his negligence.

The series -- which developed a rabid fan base -- was known for tackling religious and political issues, its dark and violent sense of humor and its observations of American culture. It also was one of the series that helped define Vertigo, the adult-oriented line of comics from DC Comics.

There have been several attempts to bring the comic to the screen, whether big or small, but nothing stuck. A movie version, to have been produced by Kevin Smith's View Askew production company, among others, got to the casting stage, with James Marsden attached for the title role and a reported budget of $25 million.

The series was created by Irish-born writer Garth Ennis and British artist Steve Dillon. Mark Steven Johnson, the writer-director behind comic adaptations "Daredevil" and the upcoming "Ghost Rider," is writing the pilot, while Howard Deutch is attached to direct. Johnson also wrote "Grumpier Old Men," which Deutch directed.

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TC and M Fight Night: WWE Survivor Series Part One

It's the WWE Thanksgiving weekend tradition where "teams of five strive to survive!" Well that's how it started back in 1986, it strayed from the format, but for the 20th anniversary of the Survivor Series ,we're back where we started with "traditional" elimination style tag-team matches. Now I love the team gimmick and I love even more the team style atmosphere in the buildup, where the teams usually have a collective name influenced by the team captain. In the past this has given us Roddy Piper's "Rowdy's Rowdies" Jake the Snake's "Vipers", Mr. Perfect's "Perfect Team" and Rick Rude's "Rude Brood" I just like cheesy fun like that, 'cause...I just do, okay? Okay WWE, I haven't paid per view in a while, don't let me down suckas...

We're from Philadelphia tonight, which means any ECW alum will be cheered, John Cena will be booed, and one of the heels (bad guys) will make a Donovan McNabb joke.

5:05 WHOOO!!! Ric Flair's Legend's team is introduced. He's teamed with Sgt. Slaughter, Dusty Rhodes, and Ron Simmons. Thank God, Dusty is wearing a shirt. I could live 100 years without having to see Dusty's purple splotch. Jerry "The King" says that you can't look at the American Dream without wanting to talk like him. Word! On those special drunken evenings I break out my Dusty Whothes imperthonashun, if you weel. Okay, I'll be good. "The Enforcer" Arn Anderson is in the Legends' corner. The Arn Anderson who is most famous for being one of Ric Flair's henchmen in beating down Dusty Rhodes. Now if wrestling were real , and you're Dusty Rhodes, wouldn't you hold even a teeny grudge against these guys? I mean those three have a bloody history which includes a broken leg! One time, Arn and Ric Flair tied Dusty to a pickup truck and beat his arm with a shovel! How do you reconcile this if you're Dusty? Heh, Dusty has a suspicious look on his face, totally in character. Now that's a pro! Anyway, I love Arn Anderson, part of deciding to buy the show was to see Arn have one last great moment in the spotlight. I can't wait!

They'll be going against the Spirit Squad. Male Cheerleaders. They are so terrible they don;t even get last names. It's just Johnny, Micky, Mitch, Nicky, and Kenny (I Think).

5:10 Ron Simmons is counted out. He gives Mitch a Sidewalk slam before he leaves. What a bad sport. The referee is also sending Arn Anderson to the back for throwing Mitch into the ring post! BOOOO!!! I get five minutes of Double A? That's it? A small portion of the crowd chants bullshit or maybe that's just me.

5:14 Slaughter hits the Slaughter Cannon and the Cobra Clutch on Nicky. Johnny kicks him in the head while the ref was distracted by Dusty. Sarge is pinned.

5:15 Dusty hits the bionic elbow on Nicky for the 1-2-3. That's his 39th elbow of the match.

5:17 Dusty gets pinned by Kenny meaning that it's 3 on 1 against Flair. Personally, I think Dusty just collapsed from fatigue.

5:18 Flair Pins Mickey in vintage Flair fashion, with the feet on the ropes for leverage. Within seconds he rolls up Kenny with an inside cradle. WHOOO!!! Now it's just Flair and Johnny.

5:19 Chops, shin-breaker, chop block and WHOOO (Now we go to school) Figure Four! Fair is the sole Survivor. After the match, the Squad lays out Ric Flair, while none of the legends come to help him. I guess that's how you reconcile someone breaking your leg. Fun match, except for the Arn Anderson ouster.


5:24 Chavo Guererro v. Chris Benoit for the U.S. Championship. Oh for Jeebus's sake, they are keeping the Mexican wrestlers in Telenovella mode. Okay, let me try to sum it up. Chavo is the nephew of the beloved Eddy Guererro who died last year. In the storyline, Chavo turned on Eddy's best friend Rey Mysterio, because he thought Rey was using Eddy's memory for his personal gain (which he was, actually). In the fight against Rey, Eddy's widow Vicky sided with Chavo and helped put Rey out of action by blowing out his knee. Longtime friend of Eddy's, Chris Benoit comes back to the WWE and has hired an attorney, because something is fishy with Eddy's estate and thinks Vicky is up to shenanigans. So naturally, they are gonna settle things in the ring.

5:34 Chavo pushes Benoit into Vicky somehow leading to Benoit winning with a Crippler Cross face. He somehow endured Chavo and Vicky screaming "Stay out of our business" a thousand times. Vicky took a nasty spill on her backside. This match was pretty good, if not a typical Benoit match. Given a real storyline and about 10 more minutes, this match could have been great. JBL is incensed that Benoit won by hitting a woman and demands that he be fined or suspended. Michael Cole answers with n "Hey, open up your eyes, 1985 Color Commentator!" Awesome!

5:36 We get a back stage interview with Lita for her upcoming retirement match with Mickie James. Edge says "Mickie's gonna go down faster than Donovan McNabb". Who had 36 minutes in the pool? In the background we see Cryme Tyme sneaking into Lita's locker room and leaving with a box full of her stuff. I think after a few more of these segments, it's gonna be NAACP Tyme. I'm looking forward to the match Mickie James usually has a thong underneath her wrestling skirt...so, yay, y'all.

5:47 The "She's got herpes" chant starts. We got the "She's a crack whore" earlier. I love the Philly fans. Mickie is wearing a thong, but it's over some flesh colored shorts...BOOO, y'all. WWE hates me.

5:49 Mickie hits a swinging DDT for the win. Match started out sloppy but had some drama with the near falls at the end.

5:50 Lita calls for the Mic and starts to berate the crowd for not showing proper respect. Out comes Cryme Tyme! They're gonna sell her stuff to the crowd. They announce that it's a "HO-Sale"! Okay, I actually laughed at that. Someone buys her bra...they hawk her Monistat Seven, which she claims she bought for a friend...heh... wait, aren't the Monistats named based on the number of days of treatment? Isn't there a Monistat One and a Monistat Three...why would you buy Seven? JBL offers $100 for her panties...Cryme Tyme takes the money, but throws the panties to the crowd...DILDO!...they keep it covered, but Lita begs them not to sell her dildo , she offers to pay them for it...they end by selling "Lita's Box" which is so big you can stick your head through it...that went a little too long...Happy Retirement Lita!


part two tomorrow, suckas!

Tags: WWE, Survivor Series

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Survivor: Why Would You Trust Me?

Jonathan is up bright and early, as the rest of Raro snoozes. He's off to fish -- and he's pissed at having to play nursemaid to a bunch of spoiled brats. He says Raro has to step up, do some work around camp, and win a damn challenge. "I'm not going to lose because you kids can't get your asses out of bed."

The cool kids manage to drag themselves out of bed, but there's no fire, no wood, and no water. They consider doing some of the work, and Candice waves the flint around in a vague fashion, but they quickly give up and wait for Daddy Jonathan to come take care of them. What a bunch of tools. Raro sucks.

Jonathan gets back, sees that *nothing* has been done, and starts organizing. Nate jumps when Alan Alda tells him to go get water, but then grouses in confessional that no one gets to talk to him like that, and that they're not a bunch of knuckleheads who need to be ordered around.

Umm ... yes, you are. You're a bunch of lame-ass, lazy, stupid jerks with overinflated egos and entitlement issues. Now step -- Daddy's waiting for the water.

Fun Size Aitu is hurting from constantly having to push themselves in challenges. Sundra's knee is all messed up, and Yul's tired and achy and may have injured his leg. But the only option they've got is to keep kicking Raro ass.

At the challenge, Aitu is shocked at the downsize to the Cracka Coalition, and realize they dodged a bullet by winning immunity last time. But instead of giving Aitu Nano yet another chance to whomp on the cool kids, Jeff gives them new buffs and art supplies. Yep, its a merge.

The two tribes agree to live on Raro's beach -- there's no rats, there's more coconuts, and Candunce and FrankenAdam know all the best fuck spots. FrankenAdam's all sorts of happy that the tribes have merged -- Raro has numbers, and he says their future looks bright.

The new tribe -- Aitutonga, which is too annoying of a name for me ever to type again -- is directed to a native catamaran loaded with food, drink and friendly islanders who will take them back to their beach. Everyone does the "we're getting fed" happy dance.

The cool kids have gotten the mistaken impression that they're on the party boat to South Padre -- they down all the booze, gobble the food and barf over the side of the boat. Way to make a spectacle of yourselves, jackasses.

Jonathan, once again, is pissed at the behavior of his "allies." Sorry, Alan Alda -- you picked it.

Nate is confident of the Raro alliance's ability to cut up the new tribe members like poop. He's bonding with Ozzy too -- something that they both have cultivated since Nate was kidnapped to Aitu. They take a romantic walk on the beach and Nate lets Ozzy know that "my five are gonna want to cut off your strong points." They agree to stay friends and work together if they can.

In the shelter, a drunken FrankenAdam is feeling up Pavarti. Ewwww. She protests, but not too much, and when she asks him about Candice he says that they can both enjoy him. OMG -- does FrankenAdam actually think he is so smooth he can set up an island threesome? FrankenAdam drunkenly declares that "It's a great day, the best day since the game started. I touched boobs!"

Becky and Yul talk about what advantages could be gained by revealing that Yul has the hidden immunity idol. They decide that their best option is to try to flip a member of the Raro alliance, and they think Jonathan is the most reasonable, logical choice.

Yul asks Jonathan if they can work together again. Jonathan wants to know why Yul would even want to align with him again, and says that a player who wants to get to the final four needs an alliance with whoever has the HI, and that he wouldn't flip again unless he was aligned with someone who had it.

In an aside, Jonathan says that if he flips, Raro is going to go mental, which is intercut with shots of Raro members grinning like complete idiots. Great editing.

Yul spins a hypothetical in which he says that if he has the HI, either Jonathan aligns with the Aitu alliance or goes home. Jonathan says that he would consider flipping to align with the guy with the HI. "If I was with the guy who had the idol all along and I have to flip back, that's a fantastic twist."

It's fantastic to see two players discussing strategy like rational, reasonable adults. Nothing personal, no vows of everlasting truthyness, no swearing on your kids or the Bible, just "if A then B." This may be a "Survivor" first.

Yul tells Sundra he has the HI, and she is genuinely happy for him -- it's very sweet. She also likes the idea of flipping Jonathan. Becky and Sundra do a happy Aitu dance. They then bring Ozzy into the Circle of Trust. Ozzy feels bad about possibly turning against Nate, but he thinks sticking with Aitu is his best bet.

The cool kids discuss who to vote off next. Pavarti and Candice are threatened by Yul's big brain, and they don't like the fact that he's been talking to Jonathan. They actually have a discussion about how *thinking is bad.*

Candice yanks on Jonathan's leash and demands to know what he's been talking to Yul about. He says that they should target Ozzy. Candice says that Pavarti and Nate are scared of Yul's big words and decent table manners, and he has to go. Jonathan pretty much tells her that Yul's got the HI, but she just doesn't get the hint.

The immunity challenge is pure endurance and willpower. Hang on a pole. The last person to drop wins immunity. Adam is the first to drop -- he only lasts nine minutes. Pavarti, Candice -- girls, I wouldn't get too excited about this guy. No endurance, no stamina -- looks like a two-pump chump to me.

Jonathan says people with bigger feet are at a disadvantage. Yul counters with a explanation of mass, culminating in explaining why elephants don't climb trees. Then he points out that he'll never get a date again. I wouldn't worry about that, Yul -- that was so geeky adorable you'll be swamped with girls. If I wasn't married, I would have already e-mailed you my number.

Candice is doing pull-ups and making ridiculous kissy faces. Jonathan drops, then Nate, then Sundra and Yul. It starts raining. Pavarti falls off the pole. Then Becky. Is it just me, or was Probst flirting with Pavarti?

Somewhere in L.A., Julie from Vanuatu from throws something at her TV.

It's down to Candice and Ozzy, but monkey boy cannot be defeated! Candice falls off, and Ozzy wins immunity.

Nate is happy his buddy Ozzy won immunity. Yul and his big brain are the target. Raro want smash big brain with brick!

Yul shows Jonathan the HI. Yul points out that Jonathan is in theory a great person to take to the final two, because he's made enemies. He does not promise to take Jonathan, he just says it would be a good idea. I love Yul.

Jonathan knows he doesn't have many options besides flip or go home. He says he wants to think about it. He goes to the cool kids and says he's concerned Yul might have the HI. They refuse to even consider the option that he *could* have it, because he was only on Exile Island for "like a day." And if FrankenAdam and Candunce couldn't find it, how could Yul? Wow, these people are DUMB.

FrankenAdam and Candunce make out in the jungle. OK CBS -- this scene was just nasty. Their showmance is not cute, it's not romantic, it's not fun -- it's icky. Please stop, or at least slap those scenes with some sort of warning label.

Jonathan asks Aitu to vote for Nate instead of FrankenAdam. He thinks that if he flips on Candice and Adam, it makes him the guy who has betrayed every person in the game. Aitu agrees to vote for Nate.

At Tribal, Jenny stares with Eyes of Doom from the jury box. She is the new Lex -- you can feel the hate radiating off her. FrankenAdam and Candice get called out on their showmance. Pavarti says they want to make babies, and pouts that FrankenAdam doesn't cuddle as much with her. Ick. Candice tries to turn the discussion to Becky and Yul, but since Becky doesn't spend her days with her head in Yul's lap (see FrankenAdam and Candice) that comparison doesn't fly. Jonathan says he hasn't seen romance between Adam and Candice, which either means he's being *very* sarcastic or is legally blind.

Both alliances agree that this vote will show where things really stand. Jonathan pretty much gives a farewell speech -- happy to have been here, will treasure this experience, boy am I screwed, yadda yadda.

In a 4-5 vote, Jonathan sticks with the Aitu alliance and votes out Nate. Woot!!! A turkey of a player booted on Thanksgiving -- everybody dance!

Nate spews bitter rage in his final statement:

"It hurts to leave this early in the game. Jonathan, you can kiss my ass! You a dirty stanky, whack fruitcake who sold me out, who sold out our tribe when we brought you in. You trading bastard. So kiss my ass, Jonathan. Other than that everyone I love. But that's how it's gotta be in this world." (No, I didn't make this up, it's an actual quote from CBS.com)

Dirty stanky, whack fruitcake? Aww, don't hate the player homie, hate the game.

Next week: No fish for the lazy.

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Happy Thanksgiving!

Thanksgivings are generally not high on my personal lists of memorable holidays. Not that I don't enjoy it, but other than eating myself into oblivion and passing out on the nearest couch, the memories all blend together.

There are some exceptions though, like in High School, when I was a Thanksgiving guest at a friends and in front of his entire family, I had cider go through the wrong pipe and coughed up half of my first serving of stuffing at the table. Good Times!

Also, when I was in Catholic School, we all got to dress up as Pilgrims or Indians. I always dressed as an Indian, but crying everytime I saw a can thrown out of a window got old. The raping of my women and having my land stolen sucked too...those Sacred Heart pilgrims didn't play, yo!

There was the year I drove around LAX for two hours looking for parking and barely made my flight, Seriously, they held the plane for me and I was a ball of sweat by the time I made it on the plane. Thank God it was LAX rather than say ATL or Charlotte. Otherwise, I would have spent Thanksgiving eating at the In and Out next to the The Spot. Hmmm, come to think of it, maybe the Turkey Burger 10x10 (ten patties, ten slices of cheese) is on their secret menu. If anyone *cough* J-Man, wants to try this out, let me know how it goes.

There was also the year I celebrated Thanksgiving in London, which is pretty disrespectful if you think about it...we're giving thanks to annexing from YOU! A friend of mine were on a hot Karaoke streak in London Pubs and we somehow convinced a band to play "Sweet Home Alabama". The band knew the music but they didn't know the words so they LET US SING!!! It was probably the most jingoistic moment of my life. Well,there was the time I started a "USA" chant under my breath at a friend's wedding, but I won't get into that.


One year, I miraculously ended up watching the first ever WWF Survivor Series and it was like Christmas came early . Was there ever a cooler team than "Macho Man" Randy Savage, Ricky "The Dragon" Steamboat, Jake "The Snake" Roberts , "Hacksaw" Jim Duggan, and Brutus "The Barber" Beefcake? The best part was I was a guest of a friend of a friend who was a Hogan fan. He nearly cried when the Hulkster got counted out of the main event leaving Bam Bam Bigelow to face One Man Gang, King Kong Bundy and Andre the Giant by himself. I still say Hulk did it on purpose because he was scared. "So Long, Butch Reed!" is still on the short list of my favorite Gorilla Monsoon calls.

There was also the Thanksgiving where I made this awesome spread of toast, popcorn, and jellybeans. Then, my future gym-teacher friend, who insisted on always wearing flip flops, even in November, came over and made the bitch-face about how we didn't have turkey or pumpkin pie. This was after SHE put me up to making food the whole gang! I was a n f'n kid what the hell did she expect? What an ingrate! Okay fine, you got me. MY DOG made the toast, popcorn, and jellybeans. Oh yeah, and it wasn't me it was Charlie Brown. 'Cause that's how Chuck rolls!


Anyway .here's something to tide y'all over until tomorrow. It's Adam Sandler's Thanksgiving song. Happy Thanksgiving, SUCKAS!

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Inside the NBA : Dancing with the Charles?

It's my second straight sports themed post, but it's hoops season, that's gonna happen here at Tortilla Chips and Milk from time to time, 'cause T.H.I.R., suckas. In case you didn't know, "Inside the NBA" on TNT is back with a vengeance this season. I haven't even watched a full TNT basketball game yet but I try not to miss the late night antics of Ernie, Kenny, and Charles. Even if you aren't the biggest hoops fan, Inside the NBA is a great source of comedy and I suggest checking it out. Otherwise, you might miss clips like these from their top notch video-editing crew.


Oh yeah as an added bonus, here's the full run of NBA promos Ali G. did for he playoffs. My favorite is the Kobe Bryant, followed by Richard Jefferson.

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TC and M Fight Night! Pacquiao vs. Morales III

I've been a life-long boxing fan and tonight is a good night, because I just got finished watching a legit ass-whoopin'. It was the rubber match between Manny "Pac Man" Pacquiao and Erik "El Terrible" Morales, the third fight in a one of the better boxing trilogies of my lifetime. Morales had won the first fight in a unanimous decision in which the Pacquiao's camp claimed was lost because (1) they took Morales lightly and (2) Pacqiao was forced to wear Winning Brand gloves which are regarded as "pillows" effectively negating Pacquiao's punching power.

Pacquiao won the second fight with a 10 round TKO. In the rematch, Pacqioa had switched back to Reyes brand gloves which are known as "puncher's gloves" and had
kept Morales at bay with an improved right jab. After the loss, Morales attributed the loss to the split with his father, his long time trainer, and poor conditioning in order to make weight. Morales claimed that Pacquiao had never really hurt him, rather his legs gave out on him. I really don't understand how someone can hit you to the point you can't stand up anymore but not "hurt" you, but whatever. Pacquiao has the Reyes gloves, Morales is back with his father in his corner and has gone through a much ballyhooed Velocity training regiment so there were no excuses for the this third fight.

I'll say this outright, I'm a die-hard Manny Pacquiao fan. He made a reputation in the Featherweight and and Super Featherweight divisions by being a wild swinger with a devestating left hand. Pacquiao's fights are just that, fights. He's a live wire who is constantly moving with aggression with Mike Tyson-esque punching power in a 130 pund frame. For a fan who craves slugfests, Pacquiao is the most exciting fighter in the world.

I've also followed Erik Morales quite a bit. I rooted against him in his trilogy with Marco Antonio Barerra and have been waiting for him to get his ass handed to him Pac Man style since January. In boxing, more than any other sport, you have to respect someone who knocks you out. Morales has refused to give Pacquiao any respect and for that he deseves a beating.

Pacquiao came into the fight a 2-to-1 favorite over Morales and after watching Pac Man decimate Morales last January, I didn't anticipate a close fight. Still, Morales could have chosen to box his way to another decision. Well he could have, but from the opening bell it was clear that wasn't going to happen.

Heh, Rey Mysterio Jr. is Morales' flag bearer for the fight. Meanwhile Pacquiao enters to a song that he recorded in the Philippines. By the way, Michael Buffer's "Let's Get Ready to Rumble" will never ever get old for me. At this point the hair on my arms is standing up. Larry Merchant warns us to hide the women and children.

Morales came out looking to lay it all out and to his credit wasn't looking to run. Morales looked really awkward and off balance while Pacquiao looked strong. The telling moment in the first round was when Pacquiao landed a nasty right hook near the end of the round. Pacquiao had been criticized in the past for relying too much on his big left hand. Well not only was he not going to revert to that, he had added a new weapon for his weak hand. Round One was a good with some power punches being exchanged ast the engaged and counter-puched their way out. Pacquiao's shots just seemed to be stiffer, with more pop.

There is nothing I love more than Ray Torres, HBO's Spanish translator, adding his own inflection to the cornerman's instructions in between rounds. It's like theatre...from HELL.

Morales landed a few good shots on Pacquiao early in the second round, but Pacquiao just seemed like he was drawing him in just so he could absorb the first shot and respond with his superior punching power. Pacquiao was backed up against the ropes when he knocked Morales down with a booming left to the side of the head. The first knockdown of the last fight didn't happen until the 10th round. Morales made it up but it just signalled the beginning of the slaughter.

Round three started with more of Pacquiao baiting Morales in and knocked down Morales again midway point. Other than his fights with Pacquiao, Morales has only had one knockdown his entire career and that was called when his glove brushed the canvas. For the next minute and a half you might as well have stuck Erik Morales on a Meat Hook, because Manny Pacquiao went all butcher on his ass, tenderizing and carving him up until he put Morales out of his misery at the end of the round. While on his ass, Morales sat there and shook his head "no" to his corner. MORALES GAVE UP! I'm not criticizing him because really it was the right thing to do, but I never thought I'd see a warrior like Morales not get up and fight if at all possible. I guess he just had enough of not getting hurt by Pacquiao.

In the end, Morales was gracious in defeat, admitting that Pacquiao was too much for him. Meanwhile, Pacquiao stayed humble in his post-fight interview, and was careful not to call out Marco Antonio Barerra for his next fight. Whoever that next fight is I highly recommend you check it out. Three years ago Pacquiao was just an exciting wild puncher with knock-out power. Now he still fights like a thunderstorm, but now he's added discipline to his fighting style. He's not a fighter anymore, he's a killer. He fought with aura of invincibility that I've only seen in a handful of fighters in my lifetime. Tyson had it, Marvin Hagler had it, Roy Jones Jr. had it. Julio Cesar Chavez had it. Floyd Mayweather Jr. and Winky Wright have it now. Add Manny Pacquiao to that list.

Tags: Manny Pacquiao

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Survivor: People That You Like Want to See You Suffer

Jonathan realizes that his move to Raro was A REALLY DUMB IDEA. He knows he's next on the target list, and he's going to do his best to make himself useful. Maybe if he's feeding the kiddies, they won't pack him off to a nursing home.

FrankenAdam and Candice make yucky googly-eyes at each other. "I really trust you Candice," FrankenAdam says as he kisses her fingertips. "You're the first girl who's ever let me get this close to her without Roofies."

"I really trust you too," Candice coos in reply. "Please put your thing in me."

Out in the water, Pavarti and Jenny watch and gag. Oh wait, that's me gagging. Jenny whines to Pavarti that she's worried Adam won't stick to their original Raro alliance. Who is she kidding -- FrankenAdam wouldn't boot Candice if there was a gun held to his head.

At Aitu, Aquaman Ozzy fishes while the other three gather wood. Ozzy talks again about how tough it is for Aitu Nano. OK, I realize you guys have gotten dumped on, and it's tough -- but don't overstate the case. Losing two members was not The Greatest Tragedy Ever.

The Tree Mail for the Reward Challenge has a list of nautical flags representing the alphabet. Aitu sits down and starts cramming like it's the bar exam.

At the reward challenge, Aitu is sad that Brad went home, but happy that he's the first member of the jury. FrankenAdam gets this big, stupid grin on his face -- does he think having a pissed off former tribe member on the jury gives him some sort of advantage? It's official -- FrankenAdam has the IQ of a rock.

The challenge is a tough one: Tribes send out teams of two with a compass. They race to a large compass rose, and use coordinates to dig out a treasure chest, drag back the chest to the mat, and get new coordinates off the lids. Gather four chests, and open them to retrieve seven nautical flags. Use the flags to spell "victory" (I hope you studied that list!) and win reward.

Wow, Raro sucks. While Aitu is busily moving through the challenge, Jenny and Jonathan are arguing about the coordinates -- and Candice is yelling the *wrong* coordinates at them. Then Jenny's not digging, and Raro bitches at each other some more. Then Probst calls 'em back because the first team wasn't on the mat yet, and FrankenAdam and Candice bitch some more. He's sorta digging, she's filing her nails. At one point, Jonathan's trying to dig, and Jenny's pushing dirt back into the hole. It's a truly pathetic performance, and Aitu cruises to an easy victory. Ozzy clicks his heels like a happy little elf.

Aitu wins a island feast and gets to send someone to Exile Island. In unison, they count "1-2-3 Candice!!!" It's silly and its juvenile and ... I'm perfectly OK with that. Probst asks why Candice again and Yul says "strategy, revenge, same thing."

On EI, Candice pouts and cries. "It's not fun to know that people you like want to see you suffer," she whines as she sucks on a sea cucumber. Awww, cry me a river. You liked Aitu so much you jumped to Raro at first opportunity. You broke an alliance they thought was solid. I think Aitu has the right to give you the big F.U.

Aitu wins a warrior's welcome and a feast with a group of islanders. Sundra shakes it like an islander, Ozzy smooches all the pretty girls, and Yul gets smushed into a big island love sandwich until he curls up in a fetal position and falls down.



At Raro, Alan Alda is getting fed up with the tribe's suckitude, and decides to try to lead by example. Apparently this means wearing a loincloth of raw fish. He catches *a lot* of fish, but I don't know if I'd want to eat anything that's been that close to his little Hawkeye.

Jenny says that Rebecca has to make a difference in the challenges or she's going home. Congratulations Rebecca -- you're the newest stop on the Raro hate train. The tribe gets a map to study before the challenge, and the responsibility of learning it is dumped completely on Rebecca. And was it just me, or did Pavarti sound really patronizing when she was "teaching" her the map?

Candice returns for the immunity challenge. Probst points out that she's spent more time away from Raro than with them, and she says "yeah -- quit cutting into my sex life, you bunch of haters!"

Here's the challenge. Tribe members swim out to pontoons, dive down and retrieve bundles of island names. Once they have four bundles back on the beach, they have to identify 10 islands on a map.

Ozzy gets Aitu out to an early lead. You know what's interesting? Two weeks ago, Nate was bitching about "nancy boy" Brad not swimming. Here's Nate in a swimming challenge, and he sucks! Ain't karma a bizzle, homie?

Jonathan and Pavarti make up some time for Raro. Sundra has trouble for Aitu, but Rebecca, once again, looks like she's a half a second from drowning and drags Raro down. Why, why, why put some of your weakest players in an immunity challenge when you've got the numbers to pick and choose?

Normally, when some of a Tribe have to sit out a challenge, they cheer and encourage their team from the sidelines. I guess FrankenAdam and Candunce had something better to do.

Guess what? Raro loses again. Have I mentioned they suck? Jeff gives them a bottle with a message in it, and tells them they have to bring it, still sealed, to Tribal. They can read the message after the vote.

Raro contemplates the bottle. They think it might contain magic unicorns and flowers and a merge! With feasts and presents and all the rewards they didn't win. Because they suck. FrankenAdam tells Candice that Jenny will be a threat after this vote, so she needs to go. So much for Raro's "family" alliance -- no one can stop their sweaty island luv.

At Tribal, everyone waves and smiles when Brad comes in, like they weren't hating on him and stabbing in him the back last episode. I don't think he bought it. Probst shoots down Candice's "Raro wins when it counts" theory by pointing out they've only won three challenges the entire game.

It's pretty much a foregone conclusion that Rebecca's going -- for everyone except Rebecca, poor girl. She walks off with tears in her eyes, and doesn't look back.

Probst tells Pavarti to open the bottle. In it is a message that says they have to vote off another member. "That ... not fun," Pavarti says. Raro whines and bugs out their eyes. Sorry kids -- twists happen. If Aitu would have lost, they would have been cut in half. Probst tells them if they're expecting a merge, it might never happen.

Raro votes again. At this point, I'm thinking "poor Jonathan -- he's gonna go, but at least he tried." Imagine my surprise when Team Whitey bands together and votes off Jenny! The only ones more surprised than me were Jenny (who is really frickin' pissed -- imagine the bitter hate she's going to spew at the final vote) and Nate, who looks around and realizes he's the Cracka Coalition's token. "Hey! My name ain't Falcon!" Nate says in disgust.

Poor Rebecca doesn't even get final words. Don't hate, CBS!

Next week: FrankenAdam and Candunce make kissy kissy.

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The Office can do no wrong

Wow, you're very exotic looking. Was your Dad a G.I.?

Holy shit, it was another great episode of the Office last night. Everything they've done this season has been great, and as a bonus they've avoided the Jim-Pam trap. The development of Jim, Pam, and Karen storyline is so well done right now because it's really grounded in reality. Everything about it makes sense. They are three normal, likable people, who react like normal people would, so it avoids all the bullshit manipulations we've seen from other shows *cough* Grey's Anatomy. Anyway, Jenna Fischer's facial expressions were great all through the episode and I hope they let her stretch her character as the season goes on.

This and the Wire are the only non-reality based shows that I really anticipate every week. The addition of the Dwight-Andy rivalry only adds to my impatience for the next episode.

Of course the highlight was another Great Scott production. Lazy Scranton in it's entirety is already up at NBC's The Office site

Enjoy, suckas!

Tags: The Office

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Nip/Tuck--a look back

Aight suckas. Stop your grumbling. Paj and I have lives to live, you know?

So, if you missed Nip/Tuck two weeks ago you should still be hitting yourself upside the head, because it was the best episode I've seen since the Nanny got smacked into next year by a city bus. I can still see the blood trail in my mind... Really I can't do this episode justice, so suffice it to say that Satan the serial killer came back for another face lift, the loser plastic surgeon (henceforth to be known as Waldo. Why? Because I said so.) came back for an "anal retread" after being Satan's bitch for a few years and--oh yes--I believe there was midget sex. Do yourself a favor and do whatever it takes to watch this one. For future episodes, the main thing you need to know is that neither Satan nor the leaky-headed nanny should be bothering Sean anymore.

This Tuesday it was back to the future for some unsettling makeup and baby Connor's second hand surgery. It was finally time to write Julia off the show. Paj will be doing a full recap, so here are a few of my rants:

Connor, now 18, is visiting his therapist trying to get his shit straight before a traumatic surgery to fix his other hand. Apparently his parents haven't spoken in years, his sister is a mess, and he is blaming the whole thing on himself. The therapist asks why, and cue the wavy screen effect:

It was a dark and stormy night. Hurricane Lurleen (I think I have this wrong, but I like Lurleen so I'm sticking with it) is moving in and should hit Miami as a category 5 storm. Now I must vent here for a moment. ANYONE who has EVER been through a hurricane knows that it does not storm for 3 days prior. In fact, it is always creepy calm. So it was a little difficult for me to hear dialogue over my own shouting, "Bullshit! this is Bullshit!"

Back to the future again, and Connor tricks the family into getting together for dinner the night before his surgery. The best part about this episode is that Annie, now older and completely screwed up, gets to say everything we've been mumbling under our breath this season. For example: "You were the worst parents ever! Like, remember when I cut up my dolls' hands to look like Connor's just because I was trying to process, and you completely freaked out? No wonder I'm a mess!" Paj, you know there was a better line but I'll save that for you. Let's just say it was a pleasure to meet her boyfriend. I also couldn't help but notice that she holds her cigarette just like an old Phillipino friend of mine...

Other than that, there were a lot of fake wrinkles and liver spots on the lead characters, and I knew that I had truly entered Bizarro world when Matt was decent looking. Christian was waaaay over the top as a sleazy old man. I bet the outtakes from this stuff were better than the actual episode.

Overall, I thought the episode was pretty weak, but they got rid of Julia and the male nurse, so that's not all bad. It'll be interesting to see what happens next.

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Songs You Should Know: Urban Dance Squad - Deeper Shade of Soul

So the local Hip-Hop/R&B station gets a DJ for live mixes during drivetime and I've been really impressed, especially with the Rewind Wednesday sets he's put together. I've heard cuts of gems like Mellow Man Ace's Mentirosa, K-Solo's Your Mom's in my Business, and Main Source's I'm Looking at the Front Door which are all songs that I never thought I'd be hearing on commercial radio at this day and age. Anyway a song that elicited a huge "OH SHIT!" from me was the song Deeper Shade of Soul by Urban Dance Squad. This was a throwback to the early 90's and I flipped out! It's one of those songs that was released in the wrong period. With it's laid back groove and sampled chorus it really didn't find a place in a hip-hop world that was powered by Gangsta Hardcore, Native Tougue-ish Afrocentrism, or High Powered Dance Jams. Still, it was a buzzworthy clip back then and I think it would have been huge if it were released in the last few years. Not saying it would have been highly original or anything but it just seems perfect for today's airplay.

Anyway, the reason this song got to me was that I was driving and I thought to myself "Hey the chick in that video was really f'n cute". Then I'm thinking to myself how the fuck do I remember that? I mean I don't even know where my keys are currently, but I can vividly recall a chick in a video that I saw a handful of times fifteen years ago? How screwed up is that? What's worse it that when i actually saw the video recently, she's on the screen for like, a second. Yep, it was that same girl taht popped into my head earlier. Then I felt creepy, like Matthew McConaghey in Dazed and Confused. I get older and they stay the same age. And yes, if you have to know I was making a smoothing motion with my hand and I followed it with an "Alright, alright". That's just how I roll.

So I thought it was strange how a throwaway image can link itself permanently with a song, but after asking friends, they also came up with their personal examples. For me, other burned-in images include, Huey Lewis' girlfriend walking on the beach in a white bathing suit, LL Cool J's colagulated deodorant, Baby Spice's skirt flying up, and Steve of the Fabulous JP's boots dangling out of a window. If you got some similar music video images y'all wanna share, post it 'cause suckas gots ta know.

So here's Urban Dance Squad's Deeper Shade of Soul. Oh yeah, the girl in question is like at approximately the two minute mark.

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You Can't Fix Stupid

Pop culture roundup!

OK, so the frat boys in the second half of "Borat" are making big lawsuit against the film's producers.

According to Newsday, the guys say they were duped into appearing in the film, that the producers got them drunk first and that they "engaged in behavior that they otherwise would not have engaged in."

Maybe the setup was staged, but I'm sorry, you can't fix stupid.

It was obvious the guys were trashed, but the Mel Gibson defense doesn't cut it with me. You were drunken, sexist, racist assholes, and you were on film. The fact that you thought you could be drunken, sexist, racist assholes with no consequences because you thought the video wouldn't be shown in America just means you were dumb.

If you don't want someone to see it, don't videotape it or write it down. Don't whine because now you can't get a date or a job because you will always be known as one of those drunken frat boys in the RV.

Next case!

Lindsay Lohan, who should know better because she's always being filmed, has added a new layer to her lame little feud with Paris Hilton (may they both fall off the planet).

Leaving an event, Lindsay is asked about Paris, and calls her something ... not very nice. Then like 30 seconds later, she says she didn't say it. Honey, it just came out of your mouth. And you can't call someone that and then say "oh, I love her." That ain't cricket.

Own up to it, and maybe you two can wrestle in creamed corn on pay-for-view.



And finally, I'd like to congratulate Britney Spears for losing 160 pounds of ugly baby weight, otherwise known as Kevin Federline.

Poor Fed-Ex. He's filed for spousal support and custody of the kids, but it's likely he's gonna have trouble paying for his wifebeaters and fantasy recording career. How much money is there in getting beat down on "Raw"?

But if a report on MSNBC.com is correct, props to Britney for using the most modern of messages to dump the little skeez! How pathetic do you have to be to get divorced by text?



And just because I love seeing K-Fed get his butt kicked ...

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Lost: I Do

OK, so we've got all sorts of mysteries and what seems like dozens of plots. And since this is the last episode until 2007, it should be pretty awesome, right?

Uhhhh no. Instead we get "The Many Loves of Kate." WTH? Did I get the timers on my DV-R messed up and watch "Grey's Anatomy" by mistake?

Sigh ... Flashback opening.

Kate's at a hotel. She goes into a room and opens her shopping bag. Inside it is a wedding veil.

There's a knock at the door, and a voice (oh, pie, I recognize that voice!) says it's the police. He says there's a dangerous fugitive on the loose and they're doing a room-to-room search. She stalls, but she's not freaking like she should be, so this must be a game. Yep, it is -- she opens the door and the cop says "Wanna get it on?" Kate leaps into his arms.

And OMG, that's Nathan Fillion!!!! Mal, I've missed you so!!!!! My TV is a darker place without you, and your very presence on this gorram show is going to make a crappy Kate episode bearable. Browncoats forever!

In fact, what "Lost" needs is a little more "Firefly." Jayne can get Vera and take care of the Others, Simon's a way better doctor than Jack, Zoe can teach Sayid what it means to be a soldier and River can kill everyone who annoys me. It's perfect!

Kate wakes up in her cage. Sawyer's throwing rocks at the fish biscuit machine -- he looks bored and frustrated. Maybe he's been watching this show. She asks him to get her a fish biscuit. Ahh, love.

Jack's looking at the X-rays when Ben and Juliet come in. Jack asks some questions about the surgery facilities, and says Ben's tumor is borderline inoperable -- he's got a week, tops, but the sooner the better. Ben says that whatever Jack needs, he'll get.

Jack says that Ben must of misunderstood him, because he just wanted him to know how long it's gonna take for him to die. Jack won't perform the surgery. He's mean and snarky about it too -- raises him a point in my book. Juliet gets snippy, and Ben says he's very disappointed in Jack's decision. Jack laughs and says he won't have to be disappointed for long.

Flashback!

Kate's in bed with Mal. Inara's not gonna like that! Ooops -- his name is Kevin here, and he's calling Kate "Monica." YoSafBridge might be more appropriate. She says he shouldn't have come, and that it's bad luck for him to see her. He says it's not bad luck unless she's in her dress. Kate ... umm, Monica, gets the worry face, and Kevin says he knows they've moved fast, but that it's right and he loves her. She says she loves him too.

Pickett opens Kate's cage and says it's time for her to go to work, but that they aren't taking Sawyer. Kate gets all bitchy and says she won't go without him. Sawyer says it's cool, but she persists until they take him too.

Locke covers Eko's body with a tarp. Nikki asks what killed him, and Locke lies and says it was some sort of an animal -- maybe the magic polar bears. Locke takes Eko's cross, and says they're going to bury him out in the woods -- the people on the beach have seen too many funerals lately. Maybe some people (Claire, Charlie, Bernard) might want to say goodbye? But nooo, Eko gets dumped out in the restricted section with useless Nikki and Paolo for company. It ain't right.

Locke says he's going back to the beach for shovels, and Sayid volunteers to go along. Once they're away from the rest, Sayid asks Locke what really killed Eko.

Locke says that some people call it the monster, but that he doesn't believe in monsters, so he doesn't know what to call it. He thinks it might be what brought the castaways to the Island. Sayid asks if that means the monster meant for Eko to die. Locke says he thinks Eko died for a reason, but that he doesn't know what it is yet. But he's taking a detour on the way to the beach.

Kate and Sawyer are breaking rocks. A voice on the intercoms says "Compound breakthrough," and everyone goes batty. Danny's shouting into his walkie-talkie for "her, him too," and asks if the doctor got out again.

Alex appears with a wrist rocket and starts popping people with rocks. She yells at Kate and Sawyer to get up and run. Danny points a gun at Alex, and tells her to calm down, and says she's not supposed to be there. Alex says she wants to talk to Ben.

Someone grabs her from behind. As she's dragged away, she tells Kate not to believe The Others, because they're going to kill her boyfriend, just like they killed Alex's.

Juliet shows up and is talking to Danny. Danny, who doesn't look happy, says something about how "it was supposed to be two weeks." They continue to argue.

Juliet approaches Kate and asks her to put a bag over her head and come with her. Kate says "nuh-uh!" and Juliet says she's going to do it because Danny wants to kill Sawyer, and that if Kate cooperates, she might be able to stop it. Kate puts on the hood.

Flashback!

Kate's in a very pretty wedding dress. A woman comes in and tells her she looks beautiful. Kate says that mothers-in-law aren't supposed to be so nice. Mom-in-law gives Monica/Kate a locket that her mother gave her on her wedding day. Kate puts the locket on.

Kevin/Mal and Monica/Kate stand before a minister. The minister talks about how Kevin's been coming to the church for a long time, but that when he met Monica he was struck by how honest she was. Wow, are these people dumb.

The minister says that when he asked Kevin what he loved about Monica, he said "what you see is what you get." Poor bastard. The minister declares them man and wife, they kiss, and walk down the aisle. Kate looks very happy.

On Lostcatraz, Juliet brings Kate in to see Jack. Jack asks if she's OK, and she says she and Sawyer are living in a cage, and not one blonde chick has brought them a sammich, so Jack's living the high life compared to them.

Jack asks Kate if they hurt her, and she starts to cry. She tells him he has to do the operation. Jack gets cranky and wants to know what they offered Kate to get him to do it. Kate says that they're going to kill Sawyer if he doesn't do it, but if he does, they say they'll let them go.

Jack asks her if she believes the Others, and she says she has to. Jack yells that he's done, and to get Kate out of here.

Ben is watching on one of his TV screens, and between his newly frizzy hair and little round glasses, he looks like a crazy combination of Harry Potter and Arvin Sloane. Creepy. Ben tells Juliet to take Kate away.

Flashback!

Monica/Kate is in a grocery store, with a preppy yellow outfit and bouncy hair. She looks very domestic. Her phone rings, and it's Kevin/Mal, who's sitting in a car in the rain. It's taco night, and she's gonna make 'em. This is so cutsey domestic it's making me queasy.

Monica/Kate runs through the rain to an easily traceable phone booth. She sets a timer and puts it above the phone, but since my father-in-law used to work for AT&T, I know that "it takes so long to trace a call" is Hollywood b.s.

Monica/Kate calls Agent Mars. Yeah, that Agent Mars -- the one from the first season. He signals for a trace, and then says it's been too long since he heard from her, and he was beginning to think she didn't care.

Kate says she doesn't want to run anymore. Mars asks who the guy is. Kate says she knows he doesn't want to spend the rest of his life chasing her, and she wants him to "just let her go." Mars chuckles and says that if she really settles down, he'll stop chasing her. But he knows she can't do it.

The timer rings and Kate hangs up.

OK, Kate has just proven she's as dumb as a bag of hair. She calls a U.S. Marshal and says "I know that I'm wanted for murder and a whole bunch of other crimes, but I'm just as cute as a button, so why don't you buzz off and let me get on with taco night?" Like he's gonna fall for that!

Juliet puts Kate back in her cage, and Kate asks her where Sawyer is. Juliet says that she's sorry Kate couldn't help them, and that it seems like she really cares for Sawyer. Danny brings Sawyer back and smacks him around. Juliet gets annoyed, and Danny gives a half-assed apology. He tells Sawyer that if he has anything to say to his girl, he should say it tonight.

Sayid, Desmond, Nikki, Paolo and Locke bury Eko. Locke says that when the hatch exploded (even he doesn't believe it was an implosion) that Eko's prayer stick about bonked him on the head. He didn't think it was right to bury Eko without it. That's what he and Sayid went to find.

Locke begins to pound the prayer stick into the ground. "Thank you for helping me ..." Locke stops and looks at the prayer stick. An engraving says, "Lift up your eyes and look north John 3:05." Locke studies it.

Kate tells Sawyer she saw Jack, and that the Others want him to do surgery on Ben/Henry. Sawyer and Kate are bait. Sawyer says that at least Jack isn't dumb enough to do what they want.

Kate says she told him to do it. Sawyer wants to know why, and she says it was to save Sawyer's life. Saywer tells her to mind her own business, but Kate says Danny is waiting for his chance. She climbs out of her cage. Yeah, the Others' Zoo has a bit of a security problem.

Saywer tells her to stay put, but Kate says that if he doesn't want Jack to save his life, he can save his own -- she and Saywer are going to make a break for it. She picks up a rock and breaks the lock on Sawyer's cage in about three hits. If it was *that* crappy of a lock, Sawyer should have been able to pick it with a fish biscuit.

Saywer tells Kate to run, but that he's not going to, because there's no place to run to. They're on Lostcatraz -- unless she's a mermaid, or she's got a boat, they don't have a chance. Kate wants to know when he was going to tell her that, and he says he wasn't going to, because he didn't want her to lose hope.

Kate kisses him. He asks what that was for, and she kisses him again. They make hot zoo sex on the floor of the cage.

This was actually a very tastefully shot scene, but all I could think was "lots of manual labor, no showers, no shaving, no deodorant, no toothpaste, and all you've been eating is fish biscuits?? You've have really got to want it to do it like they do on the Discovery Channel.

Flashback!

Monica/Kate makes Kevin/Mal French toast with a happy face in powdered sugar. He tells her to look under her placemat, and there's two Oceanic Air tickets. He wants to take her on their delayed honeymoon -- and they're going to Costa Rica, so he tells her to get her passport.

Kate looks anxious. He asks what's wrong, but she says she loves him thiiiiis much. After he drives away in his squad car, her smile fades.

On the island, Kate and Sawyer are in zoo sex afterglow. Saywer asks Kate about the day Danny was beating him, and Kate said she loved him to make it stop. He wants to know if it was true. Kate kisses him, and Sawyer says he loves her too.

OK -- dumb, dumb, dumb! The cage doors are open. Maybe you can't get off Lostcatraz right away, but you can run, hide in the jungle, maybe find whatever means of transportation the Others obviously have (boat, tunnel, magic carpet). You can at least get away from Danny, who's got a murderous hate-on for Sawyer. But noooo, you laze around like you're on your honeymoon! Think, people!

Jack is awakened by intercom static. A voice tells him to try the door.

Jack opens the door to the fishbowl, and goes down a hall. He finds the room with the TV screens. He finds a closet chock full of guns, and takes a pistol and loads it. As he's walking by the TV screens again, he sees Kate and Sawyer in post-coital glory.

Jack's sad. Ben, who's sitting in the corner, says that if it helps, he was surprised too -- he thought Kate would hook up with Jack. Jack points the gun at him and tells him to shut up.

Ben says that Kate is the nail in his coffin. Jack tells him to have the operating room ready -- he'll do the surgery first thing in the morning. He'll save Ben's life, but he wants the hell off this island.

Flashback!

Kate takes a pregnancy test. She's not preggers. She brings Kevin a drink, and asks him what he's working on. He says he's finishing up the paperwork on a fugitive he caught in Tampa.

"What if I told you I was a fugitive?" Kate asks, her eyes filling with tears. "What if I told you I was on the run for blowing up my father and it was only a matter of time before you found out?"

Kevin tells her the pizza joke is funnier. He says to calm down, but Kate's in full-blown whine at this point and she says her name's not Monica, she doesn't like tacos and she was almost pregnant, so she can be hormonal if she wants to be.

Kate says she loves him, but that she can't stay. Kevin gets up to follow her, but he's all wobbly -- Kate drugged his drink.

Kevin looks at his script and says "Hey! This plot worked better in the 'Our Mrs. Reynolds' episode of Firefly! Quit stealing from better shows!"

Kate says she had to drug him, because she didn't want anyone to think he knew who she was. He falls to the floor, struck unconscious by the drugs and the improbability of this scene. Kate puts his mother's locket in his hand as she leaves.

Jack and Juliet scrub for surgery. Jack tells her that it's a difficult surgery, and that he needs her to do what he asks, when he asks. Juliet says she's good at following orders.

Ben is lying face down. He asks Jack if he gets nervous before surgery. Not anymore, Jack says. Danny, Tom and another guy are watching from the viewing area. Ben says that things will be different, no matter what happens. Jack agrees.

Ben asks Juliet if Alex asked about him and she says no. She says they took her home last night, but that she doesn't know where she is now.

Jack makes an incision. Now the Others are dumb! The X-rays have shown the tumor high, almost in the neck. The incision Jack made was almost in Ben's butt.

Danny and the other guy leave. Danny's still cranky Ben is letting Jack operate, and says that "he wasn't even on Jacob's list." WTF is Jacob? Like this show needed another unanswered question.

Danny finds Kate and Sawyer in the rain. Thankfully, they're dressed. Danny tries to get Sawyer out of the cage, and Kate stands in the way. Sawyer tells her to step aside.

Jack and Juliet are working on Ben. A monitor goes "beep, beep, beep" -- Ben's blood pressure is dropping. A random guy asks if that's supposed to happen. Jack says no, and then lays random guy out with one punch. He tells Juliet to back away from Ben.

Jack looks up at Tom in the viewing room, and says that he just cut into Ben's kidney sac. If he doesn't stitch it up in an hour, Ben will die. Jack wants the walkie talkie.

Saywer wrestles with Danny and gets him in a choke hold. Kate fights with the other guy, and first season she'd have put him down. Now she's a girly girl, and yep, now he's holding a gun to her head. Danny tells Sawyer to give up, or they'll shoot her.

How many times have we seen this scenario? At least three? Could Kate just shoot herself and save everyone else the trouble?

Kate tells Sawyer to fight, but of course he gives in. Danny leads him outside the cage, and gets him on his knees. Kate says she'll do anything Danny wants, and Danny says he wants her to watch. Sawyer tells her to close her eyes -- Kate says not to give up. They're playing the sad "someone's gonna die" music.

Danny tells Sawyer "this is for Colleen," which I still don't get. Sawyer didn't have anything to do with Colleen's death -- he was in a cage chewing on fish biscuits. Why kill him?

Tom contacts Danny over the walkie talkie. Danny's all "Killing someone here! Kind of busy!" Tom tells him to give the walkie to Kate, or Jack's going to kill Ben.

Jack tells Kate she has an hour's head start. She should run, and contact him when she's safe. If she tells him the story he told her after the plane crash, he'll know she's OK. If not, Ben bites it.

Instead of saying "Umm, Jack -- Lostcatraz?" Kate cries a lot and says she can't leave without him. Whether "him" is Jack or Sawyer is unclear. Jack tells her to run.

Ah, screw it. This show isn't on again until February. I'm gonna go watch "Heroes."

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Survivor: Mutiny

OMGWTFBBQ????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

How did Survivor go from this season's craptastic "race war" premise to rocking this hard?

Both teams are expecting a merge any second now. At Aitu, the Alliance of Five (Yul, Becky, Candace, Jonathan and Sundra) are making plans. All they have to do is stick together, and they're golden.

But wait! Candace says in confessional that she's just not that into Jonathan -- she still thinks he's shifty, and she wants him gone. And besides, as soon as a merge comes she's going back to the cool kids, aka Pavarti and FrankenAdam.

Jonathan pulls Candace aside. He's got a plan too. He wants to stick with her, and after the merge Team Whitey will rise again triumphant -- Jonathan, Candace, Pavarti and FrankenAdam as an all-caucasian Final Four. Dude, do you actually think that's going to work without a consistent immunity-winner on your side?

Candace doesn't make a commitment to Plan Whitey, but Jonathan says that he is "determined to not be the guy who made the move too late."

At Raro, they're planning for a merge too. Their plan is to stick together, but Brad says a merge means it's "every man for himself." Now Raro's back on the Hate Brad train.

Nate says he doesn't trust Brad, which means he's got to go. Actually, he says that with a lot of "homie" and pseudo-street language thrown in. Just stop it, Nate -- we've heard you speak in perfectly good English before, you can do it again.

The teams gather for the reward challenge, but Probst throws a wrench into the works. He offers each player a chance to "change their fate" and switch tribes. They've got ten seconds to decide.

With three seconds to go, Candace jumps to Raro. At the last second, Jonathan jumps too. Instead of a 6-6 split, Raro is now twice as big as Aitu.

Hey Jonathan -- just because the cheerleader lets you do her homework, it doesn't mean she's going to take you to the prom. You f'ed up big time, Alan Alda.

The new little Aitu is stunned by this development. Yul thought they were tight, yo! Raro does the "we're cool" dance. I hated Raro *before* this development -- now it's official -- Aitu rules, Raro drools.

On to the reward challenge. Two women from each team are stuffed into a barrel. Two guys roll the barrel over a series of obstacles, picking up four buoys along the way. Then they attach the buoys to the barrel and float it across a lagoon, retrieving four underwater flags. Get the barrel onto the beach, hang the flags, dig an axe out of the sand and use it to raise the flags.

Man, who thinks this stuff up?

The ride in the barrel looks barftastic -- bumping over logs, sliding down a steep slope. The teams are tied until they hit the water, where Raro veers way off course. Ozzy hooks the barrel with his feet and drags it while swimming underwater -- the man is part dolphin. Yul flexes his muscles impressively. Ahh, eye candy.

Mean, lean Aitu wins before Raro even makes it out of the water. They get coffee, pastries and letters from home. They also gets to send someone to Exile Island -- see ya, Traitor Candace!

Ozzy does a Bobby Jon style war dance in front of Raro, and proclaims that "traitors die first!" Yeah, I didn't like Ozzy after the whole "let's throw a challenge" debacle, but call me a sucker for an underdog story. Gooooooo Aitu!

Aitu bonds and cries over their yummy treat. I think Raro (in the form of Candace and Jonathan) has made a serious misstep here. Why not wait for a merge? What was once a shaky Alliance of Five is now a tight foursome. Aitu has seriously bonded, and I think it's going to take a lot to get them to go against one another.

Candace pouts because she got sent to EI. Suck it up princess -- did you think Aitu was going to kiss your ass? She also doesn't know why Jonathan jumped too, and she's annoyed he's tagging along.

At Raro, Jonathan is the most unwelcome dinner guest since Sidney Poitier. He's going his best to make people comfortable, but he's just creeping them (and me) out. Nate wonders why Jonathan even thinks they'll accept someone who just sold out his tribe. Interestingly, he doesn't mention that Candace just did the same thing.

The next morning, Raro lounges on the beach while their new slave gathers food and tends the fire. FrankenAdam thinks it's nice having a servant, and he likes Jonathan's idea of the return of Team Whitey. FrankenAdam want Final Four! Arrruuugh!

At the immunity challenge, the teams maneuver glass-bottomed boats to find targets on the ocean floor. They then drop cannonballs to hit the targets, releasing buoys. Collect six buoys, get back to shore and arrange them to spell the right word to win immunity.

Raro jumps to an early lead, collecting four buoys to Aitu's none. But then they start to look like the losers they are, veering off course and bickering. Probst reminds them they suck, and that they're wasting cannonballs. Jonathan tells him to can it. "Jonathan's getting frustrated by me!" Probst crows. Way to snark, Jeff!

Yul figures out he can see the target through the shaft they're using to launch the cannonballs. Aitu leaps ahead, collects their buoys, solves the puzzle and wins immunity as Raro looks on pathetically. At home, I drop my knitting and do a victory wave.

At Raro, Jonathan continues his futile quest for acceptance. Poor little loser. Candace tells Pavarti she's not aligned with him, and she wouldn't mind if he got the boot. Nate says that it doesn't matter if they have to vote one person off, Raro has numbers, and come the merge they're going to cut Aitu up like poop. WTF? Who cuts poop?

FrankenAdam and Nate discuss strategy. (Damn, even typing that sentence makes me laugh!) FrankenAdam says that he still wants to boot Brad, because he might flip at a merge, while Jonathan's got no place to go. Nate and FrankenAdam seem to really enjoy having Alan Alda's lips attached to their asses.

Nate says that he's got to "do a Denzel" and make Brad believe Jonathan and Candace are going to get voted out first. Denzel Washington appears and smacks him upside the head with an Oscar for taking his name in vain.

Hey Nate -- has anyone told you that you put the suck in sucka??

Candace and FrankenAdam continue their showmance. Ewww. FrankenAdam makes Billy look like a good catch. Candace tells FrankenAdam that Jonathan is playing him, that he was behind Adam's trip to EI and that he's scared of Adam's mightyness, or some such bulldrek.

Raaarrrrruuuugghhhh! FrankenAdam want smash Alan Alda with brick!!!! He tries to talk Nate into switching his vote. Nate agrees on the want to kick Jonathan's ass.

OK, the cool kids clique of Candace, FrankenAdam, Pavarti and Nate reminds me of everyone I hated in high school, and I wish to see them humiliated in a cheesy 1980s movie way. I'll see you at the K-12, suckas!!!

At Tribal, Raro is laughing it up like they're at the prom. Probst reminds them that Tribal means they're Losers, and Jenny says they're going to pop Aitu like zits. Enough with the icky analogies! Candace says she jumped to Raro because they have more fun. What an airhead. Nate says that Jonathan is trying to act like a leader, and that Raro eats its leaders. Ewww. Jonathan makes another useless attempt to make someone like him, but Brad admits that he doesn't trust anyone on Raro, and that's pretty much the kiss of death.

But then it's time for Raro to make "oh shit!" faces (Jenny looks like she swallowed a bug) when Probst announces Brad is the first member of the jury.

Next week: Raro still sucks.

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TC and M Update

I'll be back on track soon with the recaps from the O.C. and pinch hitting for Rizzle with a Nip/Tuck double recap. As far as Grey's goes, I'm thinking about dumping the show. I haven't watched last week's episode yet and I really don't think I'm gonna watch tonight's show. I might replace it once I get back into a regular blogging schedule.

It's not like I've been trying to write a screenplay or build a rocket ship with my free time, but the NBA League Pass had it's free preview and it almost has me sold on the $150 for a full years worth of NBA. Anyway to make up for the lack of show recaps, here's a YouTube clip from The Office, IMO the best comedy on TV. SUCKAS!

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The Rant - Borat:Cultural Learnings of America for Make Benefit Glorious Nation of Kazakhstan

I went to see Borat over the weekend with high expectations. I was kind of dismayed when I had heard earlier that the movies release was being scaled back in fear of the movie being offensive. Still, I was excited and it's been on the "must-see" list for me, ever since I saw the first trailer. I've been a fan of Borat and Sasha Baron Cohen ever since HBO's Ali G. Show, but I was skeptical of whether the character of Borat could carry an entire movie. Part of it is that I'm protective when favorites of mine get exposed to the general public like this. Ali G. and Borat were kind of like Mr. Show in the sense that not everyone will "get it", it's something I enjoy, I don't want other people who might not "get it" to enjoy it anyway and ruin it for me. It's very exclusionary 90's Indie Rock of me, and yes, I know it's a shitty elitist attitude. Anyway, as usual, this is not a full fledged review, just some impressions of the movie.

First of all, I haven't laughed so hard in a movie since There's Something About Mary. The first hour or so and the bits therein are TC and M Hall of Fame worthy. Starting with the alternate universe that Borat lays out for us in the opening of the movie to the much publicized nude male wrestling scene the first 3/4 of the movie are non-stop shocking, offensive, laughs. Some of the Ali G. fans will recognize the humor coach and the southern etiquette instructor bits, while the rodeo scene is a more politically charged version of Borat's visit to a minor league baseball game. Still it doesn't matter, in context the old bits still play fresh and the new segments are simply riotous.

The whole concept of Running of the Jew, floored me, and it pretty much sets the tone. While the character of Borat may be an Anti-Semite, don't believe the hype that this is main undercurrent of the movie. Still, I can see people throwing dollar bills to ward off their Jewish friends imitating the act in the movie...well at least that's what I'm going to do as soon as I seen some of them.

What I love most about Borat is what he reveals about the American public. We're tolerant of the things that might offend us if we think the person doesn't know any better. However, we're also more likely to spew openly about our prejudices once we know that the person might sympathize.

Sasha Baron Cohen keeps the character of Borat good-hearted and well-meaning. Anything offensive that comes out of Borat's mouth is in "character" and is never mean spirited. Well except for one scene...

The only negative part of the movie is the slowdown in the last act. The problem is if you have downtime in a movie like this the facade starts to wear thin and it starts to feel like an ordinary movie. Thinking time is bad since it gives you time to wonder what's scripted and what's not, which is poison for this type of film.

So unless you are extremely thin skinned, I highly recommend that you check it out.

I wrote the bulk of this last night...here's a Monday update...
Wow. Borat is the number one movie in America, making apx. 26 million over the weekend, even in a scaled back release!

Borat has also received a staggering 96% on the Rotten Tomatoes Critic Tomatometer, which I've never seen before. A non-formulaic comedy that's both a critical and commercial success? This almost makes up for Snakes on a Plane, Society! (pause) NOT!

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Survivor: Why Aren't You Swimming?

Nate kicks it Aitu style, lounging by the campfire and listening to the talk. And Flicka's the one doing most of the talking -- she was blindsided by the vote to boot Cao Boi, and she wants to know what's going on. In detail. Right now. Now, dangit!!!

Yul's a little concerned they're having this discussion in front of Nate, who's practically taking notes. But he's got bigger problems -- he's got to keep his alliance together. Becky and Candice are rethinking the whole thing, and they want to cut Jonathan loose much earlier than planned. Yul admits it might be worth considering booting Jonathan before Sundra, and thinks of a final three consisting of him, Becky and Candice.

The tribes get catalogs before the reward challenge, so they can pick two items for their reward. Aitu laughs it up and makes picking peanut butter and potatoes a group activity, but over on the Lord of the Flies set, otherwise known as Raro, tensions are brewing.

Brad suggests picking potatoes for some pretty good reasons -- carbohydrates are good, and they'll last longer. But FrankenAdam want bread, arrruuuugh!!! And Pavarti wants a sammich. They argue, Brad gives in, but like anyone who disagrees with FrankenAdam, Brad's now on the outs at Raro.

It's cold and rainy as Probst explains the reward challenge. Each team picks three swimmers and two puzzle makers. The first swimmer will grab a club, swim to a platform, climb to the top and leap off. While in midair, they will smash a plaster box releasing a key, retrieve that key from the water (it'll sink) and swim back to shore. After retrieving six keys, the two puzzle makers will use those keys to unlock a chest filled with puzzle pieces. First tribe to solve the puzzle wins reward. Each swimmer must go out at least once.

Brad insists he's good a puzzles and should be one of the puzzle makers. So Raro puts him and Jenny on puzzle duty and FrankenAdam, Pavarti and Rebecca on the swim team. Aitu has Ozzy, Yul and Candice swimming.

Rebecca is the first to swim for Raro, and she's lucky she doesn't drown. She barely hauls herself onto the platform, doesn't retrieve the key, and crawls back on shore with her boobs exposed to flop down like a dead fish. She's done. FrankenAdam and Pavarti have to pick up the slack, and as much as I dislike the both of them, at least they try. "Parvati is going back up for another swing at her box!" Probst says.

But it's no contest. Aitu dominates, wins reward and sends FrankenAdam to Exile Island.

On the bench, Nate (who was still technically kidnapped by Aitu and didn't participate in the challenge) is questioning Brad about why he didn't swim. Brad's like, "dude, puzzle!" but Nate makes a bitch face.

Aitu celebrates with peanut butter, and Flicka and Candice share a sloppy peanut butter kiss. Somewhere far away in Loser Lodge, Billy cries.

Nate has an unhappy reunion with Raro. He's cranky because he couldn't compete, but he's really cranky because Brad didn't swim. He questions Brad's loyalty to the tribe, and tops it off by calling him a "nancy boy."

I have so much Raro hate. I didn't like this bunch before, and now that Nate's breaking out the homophobic slurs, hate, hate, hate. Grrr.

Pavarti says she wants to punch Brad in the face, and Jenny acts like she does most of the time, which is to say bitchy. Yet no one mentions that maybe Rebecca should have mentioned she can't swim worth a damn.

FrankenAdam's not happy on Exile Island. It's gonna storm, he's huddled in a hole, and he's questioning whether Raro can win challenges -- probably because they lose all the time. "It's hard to soar like an eagle when you're surrounded by turkeys," he says. Thanks for our daily dose of philosophy, King Turkey.

Over at Aitu, Ozzy of the Jungle strolls into camp with a bird he caught with his bare hands. Yul gets the job of killing the bird -- Jonathan holds a small, but dignified, memorial service.

Aitu is once again amazed at Monkey Boy's foodgathering ability. Candice says he's "like half animal, half man, part fish, part monkey, part lord knows what." Isn't that more than 100 percent??

Yul has realized that while he likes eating what Ozzy brings him (snark!) that Ozzy will be a real threat in individual challenges. Umm yeah -- have you seen the guy swim? He's gonna be a powerhouse in anything physical. Luckily, he seems to have the brains of a seagull. Yul thinks they should get rid of Ozzy before the merge.

Ozzy wants to make an alliance with Flicka and Candice. "I might be more of a threat," Ozzy says, "but people that do stick with me are going to be able to enjoy a ride." (snark!)

Geez -- the jokes write themselves!

At the immunity challenge, the teams must arrange a group of heavy poles to build a staircase and run up to a platform. Then three members ride down a zip line to the water, retrieve bags of puzzle pieces and swim back. Then they all climb back up a rope ladder to the platform where their teammates are waiting to solve the puzzle. First team finished wins immunity.

The teams are pretty evenly matched in this one, and Raro might have its shit together for once. "The guys are comparing who has the longest pole!" Probst says. (snark!) Aitu's in the lead at the zip line ("Ozzy's in the monkey position!") but Raro makes up time. Brad swims!

Then Jenny kicks butt with the puzzle while FrankenAdam and Rebecca stand there with their thumbs up their butts. Raro wins, but only because of her.

Aitu is sad. Jonathan knows he's on the chopping block because the women think he's shifty. You know, that's not entirely deserved -- yeah, he's a player, but he hasn't done anything really underhanded so far. Maybe it's because he sounds just like Alan Alda. He suggests booting Flicka.

Flicka, for her part, has gone into full paranoia mode. She wants to boot Jonathan, and she's running around like she's on meth trying to sway people to her side. It's really annoying.

Yul sees that no one trusts Jonathan, and while Yul doesn't have any reason not to trust him, some of the suspicion is rubbing off. Poor Alan Alda.

At Tribal, Flicka does the happy love love thing, and Yul points out that its kind of nice to have someone like her around, because you don't have to worry she's doing anything. It's a nice way of calling her dumb.

Bye-bye, Flicka. You sucked at playing the game.

Tags: Survivor, Reality TV, TV

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Lost: The Cost of Living

Flashback opening!

Lil' Eko breaks into a storage shed to steal food for his little brother Yemi. They get caught by a nun, and she drags them into church and tells Eko he must confess. He argues that his brother was hungry, but the nun says stealing is still a sin, and to confess.

Back on the Island, Sayid checks out a still-unconscious Eko. Hurley says he's been that way for a couple of days. Sayid wants to know what happened, and Charlie explains -- implosion, magic polar bears -- it's been a busy week.

The three leave to find Locke. Hurley, who's been reduced to the "dude" and "whoa" guy, says "Stay alive, dude," to Eko.

Eko dreams a bunch of flashbacks we've seen before -- Eko forcing Yemi to sign forged priesthood documents for Eko so he can smuggle drugs out of Nigeria. Yemi getting shot and dragged on the plane, and Eko being mistaken as a real priest.

Eko hears someone telling him to wake up. It's Yemi, holding a small flame. Yemi says it's time for Eko to confess, and that he will be waiting.

Sayid, Hurley and Charley are maybe twenty steps from Eko's shelter when Hurley says he smells smoke. They turn around and the entire structure is on fire. They pull Eko out, and Charlie hears Eko say "my brother, my brother."

Locke shows up and wants to know if anyone's hurt. Charlie says they rescued Eko, but when they look to where he was lying on the beach, he's gone.

Ben, in hippie wear, visits Jack in the fishbowl, and suggests they go for a walk. He's got a white hippie shirt for Jack, too. Jack points out that even if he doesn't want to go for a walk, Ben will just toss a bag over his head and make him do it anyway.

Jack asks Ben if his neck hurts, or if his fingers and toes are numb. Ben wants to know why, and Jack says that he's seen the X-rays, and that Ben has an aggressive tumor on his spine and that it's going to kill him. Ben says he doesn't know what Jack's talking about.

Jack and Ben walk to the beach in their matching hippie shirts. It's Colleen's funeral, and hey -- all the Others have white hippie shirts! It's quite the fashion trend!

Juliet stops to compliment Jack on his stylin' new shirt. Ben wants to know why Juliet showed Jack his X-rays. Um, Ben? Weren't you the one who left Jack in the room with them for an hour? It's not like you gave him a book to read or anything -- he was gonna look around.

Locke's on the beach with Desmond. He tells Sayid he thinks he knows how to save the Wonder Trio. Sayid isn't sure they should be having this conversation in front of the crazy guy, but Locke says it was Desmond's idea.

The computer in the hatch could communicate with the other hatches. It could be used to contact the others. Unfortunately, the hatch went boom, but it wasn't the only one on the Island.

Charlie and Hurley can't find Eko. "You know what, dudes? We looked everywhere. Eko's gone. Not that we know what a trail, like, looks like." Poor Hurley -- someone give him some decent dialogue!

Locke tells Sayid to get his stuff, because they're going to find a computer. Charlie thinks they should look for Eko, but Locke says it's OK, because he knows where Eko is going.

Eko stumbles through the jungle like a guy who was just mauled by a magic polar bear.

Flashback!

The soldiers take Eko back to Yemi's church, where he finds a picture of the two of them as kids in Yemi's bible. A clinic worker comes in with her kid looking for Yemi, and Eko lies and says he's been called away for an emergency in a refugee camp. The woman wants to know if Yemi will still be going to London next week, and Eko says he's going to take Yemi's place there too.

Eko wakes up in the jungle. There's a puff of black smoke behind him. He breaks off a branch to use as a walking stick, and a guy attacks him with a knife. Eko dodges the throw, yanks the knife out of a tree and goes to kill another man covered in blood, who is on his knees. Eko raises the knife, but before he brings it down, the man turns into young Daniel, the alter boy from Yemi's church.

Daniel tells Eko it's time to confess, and then disappears.

Locke heads to the kitchen on the beach, and says he and Sayid are going to look for a computer, and that anyone who wants to can come. Hurley's confused, because Super Jack would go alone, or he'd only take Sayid or Kate. Locke says it's a free island, and he's not Jack.

Nikki the n00b volunteers to go. Paolo thinks she's nuts. Nikki says he's always whining about wanting to be included, and now is his chance. Of course, we wouldn't know that he's always whining, because these two first appeared on camera two episodes ago!

Desmond wants to know if they're looking for the computer, or looking for Eko. Locke says both, because Eko is headed to the plane that crashed on top of the door to the Pearl hatch. Des thinks that's quite a coincidence, but Locke tells him not to confuse coincidence with fate.

Ahh, there's the old Locke -- the man with the plan, the man connected to the Island. How I've missed you.

Eko practically falls into a stream. You're not looking too sharp, buddy.

Flashback!

Eko washes his hands with holy water. Daniel tells him he's doing the service wrong, but Eko says he's washing his sins away.

There's shooting outside, and Eko goes out to see a group of thugs. The leader is one of the guys who attacked him in the jungle. They've come for the vaccines the Red Cross sends the clinic -- they take 80 percent to sell on the black market, and in return, the clinic is "protected." Eko says he's not afraid of them, and the leader pulls out a gun and shoots a random woman. He says he'll be back on Friday, and that if Eko doesn't want more lives on his conscience, he'll cooperate.

Back on the Island, Eko tends his wounds as best he can. He hears the monster sounds and sees the reflection of the black smoke monster behind him. He turns to face it, and it retreats. Across the stream, Locke emerges from the bushes.

Juliet brings Jack a cheeseburger, and they have their weekly banter about food. Get a sammich show on Food Network already! Ben cuts in and wants to talk to Jack, alone. Jack says she can stay, but Ben says it's private, and to get out. She gets out.

Ben says the Others had a great plan to break Jack, to wear him down and get him to trust them. Then they would make him think that he was *choosing* to do whatever they asked him to. This hinged on him getting "invested" in Juliet, who makes sammiches and looks a lot like Jack's ex-wife.

I, of course, think this entire little scene, cheeseburger and all, is still part of the Others plan to do just that, and I think Ben coming right out and telling Jack what they are doing is fargin' brilliant. But Jack ain't that smart, so he asks why Ben's giving the big confession.

Ben says his groovy plan got shot to shit when Jack saw the X-rays. Jack's all "Ah-ha! So you want me to save your life!" Ben says he wants Jack to *want* to save his life, but now all he can do is ask Jack to think about it.

Ben asks Jack if he believes in God. Jack asks why, and Ben says that two days after he found out he had a spinal tumor, a spinal surgeon fell out of the sky. So yeah, he's a believer.

Locke tells Eko to take a break, but he keeps going. Locke says he knows Eko is going to the plane wreckage, and asks if he's looking for Yemi. Eko gets all pissed and tells him never to say his brother's name again.

Flashback!

Eko quizzes the clinic worker about the vaccine shipments. She tells him not to get involved, and says he reminds her of Yemi, because he's a good man too.

Later, Eko, dressed in his pimp gear, meets his fence and says he has a shipment of vaccines to sell, but it has to be done quick, because he's leaving the country.

The merry band reaches the wreckage of the drug plane. Most of them go down into the Pearl, but Locke asks Eko what he saw in the stream. He says he saw "it" once, and that it was a beautiful white light. Eko says that's not what he saw.

Yemi's body isn't in the plane. Locke says it might have been burned. Eko pulls the picture of him and his brother from his pocket, and Locke gives him Yemi's cross, which he found in the jungle on the march to the cave of the magic polar bears. Locke goes into the hatch.

Flashback!

The thugs come back to the church. The leader says he knows Eko was trying to sell the vaccines, but because he's a superstitious man, he won't kill a priest. He'll just cut off Eko's hands.

Two of the thugs hold Eko down. Since he's twice their size, this is pretty much a joke. So Eko takes the leader's knife away and goes Rambo on them all. The leader ends up on his knees, begging for his life. Eko kills him anyway.

Eko walks out of the church covered in gore, which pretty much horrifies all the villagers.

Inside the Pearl, Nikki watches the orientation video while Locke and Sayid work on the computer's wiring. Sayid says no one paid the AOL bill, and they can't dial out. Nikki points out that the Pearl was an observation station, so what about all these TV monitors? Locke feels dumb. Paolo finds out the potty still works.

Sayid fiddles with the wires and they get a view of another station with a bunch of computers. Success! A scary-looking guy with an eyepatch comes into view, looks cranky and turns the camera off. Locke says Patch will be expecting them.

Juliet shows up with a movie for Jack, but Jack ain't in the mood for TV. Juliet puts the tape in the VCR anyway. She says she's sorry for what's been done to him and his friends, but that the Others were desperate.

On the TV screen, Jack sees a video of Juliet holding a card that says: "Ignore everything I'm saying."

Juliet says Ben is a great guy. On the TV, the next sign says "Ben is a liar." Duh!!!

Jack looks up at the camera that is behind Juliet.

The next sign she holds on the TV says: "And he is very dangerous." Double duh!

Juliet says that even if Jack doesn't think so, that he has a choice, because everyone has free will.

The cards on the TV say: "Some of us want a change. But it has to look like an accident. It has to look like you tried to save him. And that's up to you, Jack."

Juliet says that Jack can trust her, and that doing the surgery is the right thing to do. Because Ben is cool, yo!

On the cards: "It's a complicated surgery. No one would ever know. And I would protect you."

Juliet takes the tape and leaves.

Flashback!

Eko walks through the church with a suitcase. He tells Daniel he's going to London. Daniel asks if Eko is a bad man, because Daniel's mother says he is.

Outside, the vaccine is being unloaded. Eko talks to the clinic worker, who tells him she's not grateful, because someone will just take over where the dead thugs left off.

Other men are boarding up the church. Eko protests that it's Yemi's church, but the worker says its not sacred anymore -- killing a whole bunch of guys in front of the alter will do that. She tells him to go to London and repent, because he will have to pay for every life he has taken. Oh and by the way -- you owe Yemi a new church.

On the Island, Eko sees Yemi, and follows him out to a beautiful clearing with red flowers and the mountains in the background. Yemi asks if he's ready to confess his sins.

Eko says he's not sorry for anything he's done and doesn't need forgiveness, because he hasn't sinned. He just did the best he could with the life he had. He says a boy once asked him if he was a bad man, and he couldn't answer, but now Eko would tell the boy that as a child, he killed a man to save his brother's life. And he's proud of that.

Yemi says that Eko's talking like he's his brother. Eko looks horrified, and asks as Yemi walks away "who are you?"

Black smoke flies behind Eko. When he turns around, it's not there. When he turns back, the smoke monster is in front of him. He starts reciting the 23rd Psalm.

The smoke monster picks him up and beats him silly, banging Eko off the ground and a couple of trees. Inside the Pearl, the crew hears the commotion and hurries above ground.

Locke gets to Eko first. Eko whispers a few words to Locke, remembers being happy with his brother as a child, and then dies.

Sayid asks what Eko said. Locke says he said "we're next."

And damn you, "Lost!!!" Why did we have an entire "rescue Eko" episode, if he was just going to die two episodes later? Why did we spend almost all of last season on the Tailies, since the vast majority of them are now dead!!!!

I swear if I ever meet the guy responsible for "Lost," I'm gonna kick him in the shin.

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