Lost: I Do

OK, so we've got all sorts of mysteries and what seems like dozens of plots. And since this is the last episode until 2007, it should be pretty awesome, right?

Uhhhh no. Instead we get "The Many Loves of Kate." WTH? Did I get the timers on my DV-R messed up and watch "Grey's Anatomy" by mistake?

Sigh ... Flashback opening.

Kate's at a hotel. She goes into a room and opens her shopping bag. Inside it is a wedding veil.

There's a knock at the door, and a voice (oh, pie, I recognize that voice!) says it's the police. He says there's a dangerous fugitive on the loose and they're doing a room-to-room search. She stalls, but she's not freaking like she should be, so this must be a game. Yep, it is -- she opens the door and the cop says "Wanna get it on?" Kate leaps into his arms.

And OMG, that's Nathan Fillion!!!! Mal, I've missed you so!!!!! My TV is a darker place without you, and your very presence on this gorram show is going to make a crappy Kate episode bearable. Browncoats forever!

In fact, what "Lost" needs is a little more "Firefly." Jayne can get Vera and take care of the Others, Simon's a way better doctor than Jack, Zoe can teach Sayid what it means to be a soldier and River can kill everyone who annoys me. It's perfect!

Kate wakes up in her cage. Sawyer's throwing rocks at the fish biscuit machine -- he looks bored and frustrated. Maybe he's been watching this show. She asks him to get her a fish biscuit. Ahh, love.

Jack's looking at the X-rays when Ben and Juliet come in. Jack asks some questions about the surgery facilities, and says Ben's tumor is borderline inoperable -- he's got a week, tops, but the sooner the better. Ben says that whatever Jack needs, he'll get.

Jack says that Ben must of misunderstood him, because he just wanted him to know how long it's gonna take for him to die. Jack won't perform the surgery. He's mean and snarky about it too -- raises him a point in my book. Juliet gets snippy, and Ben says he's very disappointed in Jack's decision. Jack laughs and says he won't have to be disappointed for long.

Flashback!

Kate's in bed with Mal. Inara's not gonna like that! Ooops -- his name is Kevin here, and he's calling Kate "Monica." YoSafBridge might be more appropriate. She says he shouldn't have come, and that it's bad luck for him to see her. He says it's not bad luck unless she's in her dress. Kate ... umm, Monica, gets the worry face, and Kevin says he knows they've moved fast, but that it's right and he loves her. She says she loves him too.

Pickett opens Kate's cage and says it's time for her to go to work, but that they aren't taking Sawyer. Kate gets all bitchy and says she won't go without him. Sawyer says it's cool, but she persists until they take him too.

Locke covers Eko's body with a tarp. Nikki asks what killed him, and Locke lies and says it was some sort of an animal -- maybe the magic polar bears. Locke takes Eko's cross, and says they're going to bury him out in the woods -- the people on the beach have seen too many funerals lately. Maybe some people (Claire, Charlie, Bernard) might want to say goodbye? But nooo, Eko gets dumped out in the restricted section with useless Nikki and Paolo for company. It ain't right.

Locke says he's going back to the beach for shovels, and Sayid volunteers to go along. Once they're away from the rest, Sayid asks Locke what really killed Eko.

Locke says that some people call it the monster, but that he doesn't believe in monsters, so he doesn't know what to call it. He thinks it might be what brought the castaways to the Island. Sayid asks if that means the monster meant for Eko to die. Locke says he thinks Eko died for a reason, but that he doesn't know what it is yet. But he's taking a detour on the way to the beach.

Kate and Sawyer are breaking rocks. A voice on the intercoms says "Compound breakthrough," and everyone goes batty. Danny's shouting into his walkie-talkie for "her, him too," and asks if the doctor got out again.

Alex appears with a wrist rocket and starts popping people with rocks. She yells at Kate and Sawyer to get up and run. Danny points a gun at Alex, and tells her to calm down, and says she's not supposed to be there. Alex says she wants to talk to Ben.

Someone grabs her from behind. As she's dragged away, she tells Kate not to believe The Others, because they're going to kill her boyfriend, just like they killed Alex's.

Juliet shows up and is talking to Danny. Danny, who doesn't look happy, says something about how "it was supposed to be two weeks." They continue to argue.

Juliet approaches Kate and asks her to put a bag over her head and come with her. Kate says "nuh-uh!" and Juliet says she's going to do it because Danny wants to kill Sawyer, and that if Kate cooperates, she might be able to stop it. Kate puts on the hood.

Flashback!

Kate's in a very pretty wedding dress. A woman comes in and tells her she looks beautiful. Kate says that mothers-in-law aren't supposed to be so nice. Mom-in-law gives Monica/Kate a locket that her mother gave her on her wedding day. Kate puts the locket on.

Kevin/Mal and Monica/Kate stand before a minister. The minister talks about how Kevin's been coming to the church for a long time, but that when he met Monica he was struck by how honest she was. Wow, are these people dumb.

The minister says that when he asked Kevin what he loved about Monica, he said "what you see is what you get." Poor bastard. The minister declares them man and wife, they kiss, and walk down the aisle. Kate looks very happy.

On Lostcatraz, Juliet brings Kate in to see Jack. Jack asks if she's OK, and she says she and Sawyer are living in a cage, and not one blonde chick has brought them a sammich, so Jack's living the high life compared to them.

Jack asks Kate if they hurt her, and she starts to cry. She tells him he has to do the operation. Jack gets cranky and wants to know what they offered Kate to get him to do it. Kate says that they're going to kill Sawyer if he doesn't do it, but if he does, they say they'll let them go.

Jack asks her if she believes the Others, and she says she has to. Jack yells that he's done, and to get Kate out of here.

Ben is watching on one of his TV screens, and between his newly frizzy hair and little round glasses, he looks like a crazy combination of Harry Potter and Arvin Sloane. Creepy. Ben tells Juliet to take Kate away.

Flashback!

Monica/Kate is in a grocery store, with a preppy yellow outfit and bouncy hair. She looks very domestic. Her phone rings, and it's Kevin/Mal, who's sitting in a car in the rain. It's taco night, and she's gonna make 'em. This is so cutsey domestic it's making me queasy.

Monica/Kate runs through the rain to an easily traceable phone booth. She sets a timer and puts it above the phone, but since my father-in-law used to work for AT&T, I know that "it takes so long to trace a call" is Hollywood b.s.

Monica/Kate calls Agent Mars. Yeah, that Agent Mars -- the one from the first season. He signals for a trace, and then says it's been too long since he heard from her, and he was beginning to think she didn't care.

Kate says she doesn't want to run anymore. Mars asks who the guy is. Kate says she knows he doesn't want to spend the rest of his life chasing her, and she wants him to "just let her go." Mars chuckles and says that if she really settles down, he'll stop chasing her. But he knows she can't do it.

The timer rings and Kate hangs up.

OK, Kate has just proven she's as dumb as a bag of hair. She calls a U.S. Marshal and says "I know that I'm wanted for murder and a whole bunch of other crimes, but I'm just as cute as a button, so why don't you buzz off and let me get on with taco night?" Like he's gonna fall for that!

Juliet puts Kate back in her cage, and Kate asks her where Sawyer is. Juliet says that she's sorry Kate couldn't help them, and that it seems like she really cares for Sawyer. Danny brings Sawyer back and smacks him around. Juliet gets annoyed, and Danny gives a half-assed apology. He tells Sawyer that if he has anything to say to his girl, he should say it tonight.

Sayid, Desmond, Nikki, Paolo and Locke bury Eko. Locke says that when the hatch exploded (even he doesn't believe it was an implosion) that Eko's prayer stick about bonked him on the head. He didn't think it was right to bury Eko without it. That's what he and Sayid went to find.

Locke begins to pound the prayer stick into the ground. "Thank you for helping me ..." Locke stops and looks at the prayer stick. An engraving says, "Lift up your eyes and look north John 3:05." Locke studies it.

Kate tells Sawyer she saw Jack, and that the Others want him to do surgery on Ben/Henry. Sawyer and Kate are bait. Sawyer says that at least Jack isn't dumb enough to do what they want.

Kate says she told him to do it. Sawyer wants to know why, and she says it was to save Sawyer's life. Saywer tells her to mind her own business, but Kate says Danny is waiting for his chance. She climbs out of her cage. Yeah, the Others' Zoo has a bit of a security problem.

Saywer tells her to stay put, but Kate says that if he doesn't want Jack to save his life, he can save his own -- she and Saywer are going to make a break for it. She picks up a rock and breaks the lock on Sawyer's cage in about three hits. If it was *that* crappy of a lock, Sawyer should have been able to pick it with a fish biscuit.

Saywer tells Kate to run, but that he's not going to, because there's no place to run to. They're on Lostcatraz -- unless she's a mermaid, or she's got a boat, they don't have a chance. Kate wants to know when he was going to tell her that, and he says he wasn't going to, because he didn't want her to lose hope.

Kate kisses him. He asks what that was for, and she kisses him again. They make hot zoo sex on the floor of the cage.

This was actually a very tastefully shot scene, but all I could think was "lots of manual labor, no showers, no shaving, no deodorant, no toothpaste, and all you've been eating is fish biscuits?? You've have really got to want it to do it like they do on the Discovery Channel.

Flashback!

Monica/Kate makes Kevin/Mal French toast with a happy face in powdered sugar. He tells her to look under her placemat, and there's two Oceanic Air tickets. He wants to take her on their delayed honeymoon -- and they're going to Costa Rica, so he tells her to get her passport.

Kate looks anxious. He asks what's wrong, but she says she loves him thiiiiis much. After he drives away in his squad car, her smile fades.

On the island, Kate and Sawyer are in zoo sex afterglow. Saywer asks Kate about the day Danny was beating him, and Kate said she loved him to make it stop. He wants to know if it was true. Kate kisses him, and Sawyer says he loves her too.

OK -- dumb, dumb, dumb! The cage doors are open. Maybe you can't get off Lostcatraz right away, but you can run, hide in the jungle, maybe find whatever means of transportation the Others obviously have (boat, tunnel, magic carpet). You can at least get away from Danny, who's got a murderous hate-on for Sawyer. But noooo, you laze around like you're on your honeymoon! Think, people!

Jack is awakened by intercom static. A voice tells him to try the door.

Jack opens the door to the fishbowl, and goes down a hall. He finds the room with the TV screens. He finds a closet chock full of guns, and takes a pistol and loads it. As he's walking by the TV screens again, he sees Kate and Sawyer in post-coital glory.

Jack's sad. Ben, who's sitting in the corner, says that if it helps, he was surprised too -- he thought Kate would hook up with Jack. Jack points the gun at him and tells him to shut up.

Ben says that Kate is the nail in his coffin. Jack tells him to have the operating room ready -- he'll do the surgery first thing in the morning. He'll save Ben's life, but he wants the hell off this island.

Flashback!

Kate takes a pregnancy test. She's not preggers. She brings Kevin a drink, and asks him what he's working on. He says he's finishing up the paperwork on a fugitive he caught in Tampa.

"What if I told you I was a fugitive?" Kate asks, her eyes filling with tears. "What if I told you I was on the run for blowing up my father and it was only a matter of time before you found out?"

Kevin tells her the pizza joke is funnier. He says to calm down, but Kate's in full-blown whine at this point and she says her name's not Monica, she doesn't like tacos and she was almost pregnant, so she can be hormonal if she wants to be.

Kate says she loves him, but that she can't stay. Kevin gets up to follow her, but he's all wobbly -- Kate drugged his drink.

Kevin looks at his script and says "Hey! This plot worked better in the 'Our Mrs. Reynolds' episode of Firefly! Quit stealing from better shows!"

Kate says she had to drug him, because she didn't want anyone to think he knew who she was. He falls to the floor, struck unconscious by the drugs and the improbability of this scene. Kate puts his mother's locket in his hand as she leaves.

Jack and Juliet scrub for surgery. Jack tells her that it's a difficult surgery, and that he needs her to do what he asks, when he asks. Juliet says she's good at following orders.

Ben is lying face down. He asks Jack if he gets nervous before surgery. Not anymore, Jack says. Danny, Tom and another guy are watching from the viewing area. Ben says that things will be different, no matter what happens. Jack agrees.

Ben asks Juliet if Alex asked about him and she says no. She says they took her home last night, but that she doesn't know where she is now.

Jack makes an incision. Now the Others are dumb! The X-rays have shown the tumor high, almost in the neck. The incision Jack made was almost in Ben's butt.

Danny and the other guy leave. Danny's still cranky Ben is letting Jack operate, and says that "he wasn't even on Jacob's list." WTF is Jacob? Like this show needed another unanswered question.

Danny finds Kate and Sawyer in the rain. Thankfully, they're dressed. Danny tries to get Sawyer out of the cage, and Kate stands in the way. Sawyer tells her to step aside.

Jack and Juliet are working on Ben. A monitor goes "beep, beep, beep" -- Ben's blood pressure is dropping. A random guy asks if that's supposed to happen. Jack says no, and then lays random guy out with one punch. He tells Juliet to back away from Ben.

Jack looks up at Tom in the viewing room, and says that he just cut into Ben's kidney sac. If he doesn't stitch it up in an hour, Ben will die. Jack wants the walkie talkie.

Saywer wrestles with Danny and gets him in a choke hold. Kate fights with the other guy, and first season she'd have put him down. Now she's a girly girl, and yep, now he's holding a gun to her head. Danny tells Sawyer to give up, or they'll shoot her.

How many times have we seen this scenario? At least three? Could Kate just shoot herself and save everyone else the trouble?

Kate tells Sawyer to fight, but of course he gives in. Danny leads him outside the cage, and gets him on his knees. Kate says she'll do anything Danny wants, and Danny says he wants her to watch. Sawyer tells her to close her eyes -- Kate says not to give up. They're playing the sad "someone's gonna die" music.

Danny tells Sawyer "this is for Colleen," which I still don't get. Sawyer didn't have anything to do with Colleen's death -- he was in a cage chewing on fish biscuits. Why kill him?

Tom contacts Danny over the walkie talkie. Danny's all "Killing someone here! Kind of busy!" Tom tells him to give the walkie to Kate, or Jack's going to kill Ben.

Jack tells Kate she has an hour's head start. She should run, and contact him when she's safe. If she tells him the story he told her after the plane crash, he'll know she's OK. If not, Ben bites it.

Instead of saying "Umm, Jack -- Lostcatraz?" Kate cries a lot and says she can't leave without him. Whether "him" is Jack or Sawyer is unclear. Jack tells her to run.

Ah, screw it. This show isn't on again until February. I'm gonna go watch "Heroes."