American Idol - Classic Love Song Night - McPhee's Yellow Dress!

Tonight's guest star is Andrea Bocelli. He brings along producer/songwriter David Foster who in turn brings an entertainingly refreshing breath of brutal honesty along for the ride this week. The intro shows clips of Bocelli singing Por Ti Volare...I mean it I have my steel chair ready to swing if one of the Idols touches this song. I'm hoping now that Ace is gone I can make it through the show without one instance of white-hot blinding rage.

We start out with Katharine McPhee who is going to sing "I Have Nothing" by Whitney Houston. We see her warmup with Bocelli and Foster, who actually wrote the song, and we see some producery changes to the arrangement. Bocelli compliments her voice and Foster poses the question "Do you think she could sing opera?" Katharine answers with a few opera bars and jumps into a full duet. That was friggin annoying. Y'all know that I dig McPhee, but seriously, her gushing abou the duet was like me playing on a Pro-Am golf team with Tiger Woods and saying we were awesome!

We start out...and Hello! Kat's wearing a yellow dress that...umm...is generous with the McPheevage. She really does look gorgeous tonight...until we pan out.

I have no clue about women's styling, but I don' t think her dress was supposed to hang like that. I swear it was like her badunkadunk was exposed to water or fed after midnight or something, because it looked like it multiplied since we saw her last. Seriously , the VPL's were so pronounced it appeared as if she had her hips replaced with mini-butts.
Man, what did she do to her stylist this week??? It's like every other week is a disaster for poor McPhee. I'm kinda like Sir-Mix-a-Lot when it comes to this kinda stuff, so let's just say that "Three-Assed" McPhee is really distracting me.
I don't think that she's doing all to hot tonight judging by her father's reaction...usually when she's "on" he loses his shit.

If that's not enough, her dress, in the spirit of the ambition showed by our finalists, decides to become Ashley Judd's white dress from the Oscars a few years ago. The sudden trepidation, fear, excitement, that comes with someone potentially flashing millions of people doesn't apply since it has been very, very, VERY apparent throughout this performance that McPhee is indeed wearing underwear.

To tell you the truth, I have no clue what to think of the song. The judges jump all over her and are very negative. The message is clear: If you are going to sing a Whitney song, you'd better bring it. Tonight, it wasn't broughten.

Elliott Yamin is going to sing "A Song For You" by Donny Hathaway who also happens to be the father of one of the backup singers. She's really cute too. He may be creepy but I'll have to give the boy some credit. Playa Play! It turns out he's sung this song his entire life and finally gets to sing it on this big a stage. Maybe he won't fuck it up performance-wise like he has the past two weeks. We see his session with Bocelli and Taskmaster Foster and they really work him. They both throw some really high praise his way as well.
The song is kinda boring, but he sings it very well. He also sings it like he understands it, which makes this performance my favorite of his so far. Randy hated the arrangement but loved him. Paula was moved to tears...maybe Seacrest was mean to her during the break...apparently they are feuding. Simon reiterates that there were moments in the song where it was a like a "vocal master class". Seacrest compares Paula to Mr. McPhee...kinda assy, but I chuckled.
Kellie Pickler is next. Ryan interviews her before the song and she brings up the fact that she doesn't have a boyfriend. Okay...then she segues that into introducing that she's singing "Unchained Melody" which segues into the pottery scene from the movie Ghost. She gets some laughs by complaining "She doesn't have anyone to play pottery with." Nope, couldn't make it this week...HATE!!!!
During her session she starts singing and we get this priceless look from the Taskmaster. They work out a Kellie twist to the song. Bocelli compliments her as being very happy. Taskmaster asks the blind singer what color hair she has. Andrea replies "Blonde"....Okay even if that was scripted it was funny as hell.
Okay, I hate "Unchained Melody" and it sounds all kinda awful when she sings it. Also who the fuck did her hair? She looks like she used Cameron Diaz's hair gel from "There's Something About Mary".

The judges really jump her shit. Paula admits to her that she didn't hit the greatness that is expected at this point in the competition. Simon goes as far as to say that the performance deserved tears but not for good reasons. Simon's railing gets cut off by the bumper music and now he is officially in bitch mode. Poor Kellie, in a year from now she'll be begging a casting agent not to get any pottery in her eye.

Paris Bennett picks the song "The Way We Were" by Barbara Streisand. She explains this very wisely that she has to be careful about choosing a love song since she's so young. This is why I root for her. She may be young but she gets it. I HATE when teenagers sing songs too "old" for them and expect to be taken seriously. How the fuck can you take "How Do I Live Without You" seriously when it's sung by a girl in a training bra? Anyway, Taskmaster and Bocelli LOVE Paris.

Alright, all the girls on the show must have been bitches this week. Paris, sans extensions this week, has her hair feathered to the point that 1977 called and said it wanted that haircut back. Seriously though, I could listen to her sing all day...if I liked pop music.

The judges weren't overwhelmed. Simon abruptly says it was old fashioned, still peeved about being cut off earlier.

Taylor Hicks is gonna sing "Just Once" by James Ingram. Oh, I know this one! This is the song about the guy who falls in love with his friend's girlfriend. When the girl gets knocked up and dumped. The guy sells all his stuff including his nice stereo to pay for her abortion. He takes care of her they get it on. He scrapes up enough money to buy her a bracelet for her birthday. When he shows up at her birthday party he finds her making out with the guy who knocked her up. Then he drives away crying. Doesn't ring a bell? Well it would if you had seen "The Last American Virgin". "Just Once" plays over the credits and the dude is driving and crying in the rain no less in the greatest ending to an 80's teen movie EVER!!!

Anywhoo Taskmaster thinks Taylor has the most charisma of all the contestants. Also, I have never seen Randy ever pleased when someone tries to sing this song. I also have no idea how Taylor is gonna spaz out to this one.
I like this song and I like Taylor, but I don't like him singing this song. I just can't see this version playing in the background while some chump drives off crying for not letting a ho be a ho. Randy calls it Karaoke and the wrong song and not half as good as the original. Paula fumbles through a half assed compliment. Simon equates it to a bad hotel lounge act..Paula cuts him off to remind Taylor that we love him.

Chris is going to sing "Have You Ever Really Loved a Woman", by Bryan Adams. Excuse me, I'm going to take a hot poker and shove it up my pee hole now. I knew bringing up the Three Musketeers of Crap last week would come back to haunt me. He calls this song amazing. I not only wish him to not win this contest now, I wish him excruciating pain.

His session with the Taskmaster and Bocelli is somewhat entertaining. They make him lay on the floor and instruct him on using his diaphragm. Wait, that doesn't sound right at all.

This song combined with Chris is so painful the only thing I can do to make it through is to think of Ellen Cleghorne's parody of this song "Have You Ever Really Paid for Oral Sex with a Woman" during the whole Hugh Grant scandal. In his defense, he does pronounce it as "Whoa-man" which is how all the cool kids say it. He does kinda get all psycho killer intense near the end to boot. The judges are all back on the Chris train. Honestly, he probably is the one to beat.

Bottom Three

1. Paris
2. McPhee
3. Pickler

Pickler has to go. Seriously yo!

P.S. I tried to do my best to vote McPhee. after 18 busy signals I gave up. That's perfectly normal right?

Tags: American Idol, TV, Reality TV