American Idol 5.24.06 Finale!!!

I intended to do just a running diary of this show and jot down little tidbits while I flipped between this and the Mavericks-Suns playoff game. I mean this year's competition kinda ended with a whimper since it should be no surprise at all who is gonna win this thing. Plus, it's two full hours, I mean what could they possibly do for two full hours...well five minutes into the show I put the notepad away and decided to give this the full recap treatment...because tonight, it's a celebration bitches!!!!

The show opens sans hype and we jump right into a performance. Like a reigning Miss America, Carrie Underwood, fresh from the CMA Awards splits the screen and starts into "I Made it Through the Rain" She gets flanked by first Taylor, then Katharine and then all of the Idol finalists. It is what it is but if they are starting out with a group sing it can only bode well.
Ryan announces that 200 million people worldwide are watching tonight. The judges all get extended video introductions which feature Randy's catchphrases, Paula's psychological disorders, and Simon's narcissism.

We have live feeds from Birmingham AL which is Taylor's hometown and Universal Studios which isn't Kat's hometown. Oh well. All of the top 12 finalists will be performing to tonight. Princess P. Paris Bennett is up first and she sounds great but I don't immediately recognize the song.

I listen closely at the lyrics and she says "Al Jerreau" and I'm like, what the hell song is...HOLY CRAP it's Al Jerreau and "We're in this Love Together"
Their voices are so complimentary it's scary and they the performance is so much fun. In hindsight Paris totally should have been in the finals. She's so comfortable on stage even with a legend. I'm really digging this so far.

We keep rolling along with Chris Daughtry and Live. If I didn't hate them both and their music I would be beside myself. Instead Chris and the Live guy seem to be the ones besides themselves.

Attention inspiring alt-rockers. Watch this performance over and over again then run to Hot Topic, follow what you've learned, and you too could be the next lead singer of Fuel.
Still great effort by the producers since for millions that performance was a pretty cool moment. I just wasn't one of them.

Ryan then segues into Kellie Pickler and her adventures with Calamari and Sal-Mon. Apparently the show feels bad about exploiting her provincialism that they arrange culture lessons to be taught by Celebrity Chef Wolfgang Puck in a segment called...I shit you not...Puck and Pickler...which exploits her all over again.

On our first segment Wolfgang is going to introduce her to some French cuisine. Think hard for a second and you'll know what's coming. Pickler finishes your thought with "Esss-CAR-goat-ees?" Puck explains that it's snails and Pickler is horrified. Puck bullies the reluctant Pickler into trying it and she gags and spits it out.

HIGH-LARRY-OUS. Seriously, that's just mean, yo!

Ryan isn't fucking around now. He's out for blood with knocking us on our asses with guest stars. Next up Katharine McPhee and Meatloaf singing "It's all Coming Back to Me Now". Okay this is one of the reasons I've gradually lost the McPheever as the season went along. Kat single handedly sucks the fun out of the show by turning a reverent duet into her fucking audition piece for the next production of "Phantom of the Opera".

GRRR!!! She totally has this intentionally glazed "I wish I could remember"look on her face. ACTING!!!! She keeps holding her hand to her head pantomiming like she's trying to remember shit as the lyrics indicate. ACTING!!! She also once again refuses to sing a melody...HATE...but then again her dress does a great job at showing her cleavage so it's all good. Oh and I think Meatloaf sang along too.

Next it's time for the campy side of American Idol which is like saying it's time for the itchy side of chicken pox. It's the Golden Idol Awards...mainly they choose to package the bad audition highlights. Now unlike most viewers I skip this portion of the season, because fame whores annoy me so I won't say much about these. They give Best Female Vocal to someone who butchers "That's What Friend's Are For." Wow. The winner doesn't show. Best Male Vocal goes to a Crazy Dave Hoover, the guy who made the diving leap in Hollywood. Well, he does show and nearly causes a lawsuit as he leaps into the crowd.Hey you started off so well. Cut the SHIT!!! Well they don't. More fucking Puck and Pickler...this time with "SHANG- HEY-EYE Lobster" okay they terrorize the poor dumb southern blonde for a few more minutes...Hey the Suns are winning!

Group Medley Time!!! In all seriousness the group sing alongs complete with pointy poses are my favorite! They start with an all Guy Medley. Apparently the theme is Homosexual Street Gangs.

They start out with...blech..."Takin' Care of Business" where all the guys get a line. Then Taylor comes out blowing on the harp and they start with "Tobacco Road" Okay they are going with classic rock with a southern tinge. Bucky and Chris sound great. Kevin is 11 years old now.
Ace looks good...Dammit, don't care...HATE!!! They finish off with "Don't Stop" by Fleetwood Mac Wha? I guess the theme really was homosexual street gangs.

The Ford Commercial features Kat and Taylor in Mustang convertible parked in an empty Drive-In...heyyyy allllriiight...set to "Don't Stop" which we just heard two minutes ago. They show the bloopers from all the commercials. It's actually quite touching...they fade out and Taylor gets tagged out for trying to get to 3rd Base...or not.
For the hell of it Ryan gives the finalists each the keys to brand new Mustang convertible. Taylor kinda ruins the coolness of the moment by taking the key and doing this twist dance thing. Seriously voting's done, knock it off.

The Next Golden Idol Award is for Proudest Moment. Nominees are Momma Yamin, Pappa McPhee and Chris Daughtry's soon to be ex-wife. Momma Yamin wins and gets to introduce her son...it's quite a nice Awww moment. The caption says "Elliott's Mum" since Elliott not actually from Richmond Va. but from Wales.

Elliott starts out with one of my "Chill" songs. "Chill" songs are songs that when done right give me goosebumps. "Is it getting better..." my hairs are already standing up. It's "One" by U2. Holy shit is Bono coming out? Elliott, this song is one of the best songs about tortured relationships. Stop FUCKING SMILING! Where's Bono already? A guest star busts out a female vocal from off stage....out comes. MARY J. BLIGE!!!! Oh man, this show is now officially awesome. Elliott rightfully steps aside and lets Mary J absolutely sing the living shit out of this song. Download her duet with Bono or this performance. It totally rocks the hizzy!!!! Seriously, yo...chill song!!!! It's the best performance I've ever seen on this show.



We're back with Carrie Underwood, she's so last year and she sucks...Next!!

Girl Medley Time!!! They all come out decked in black. They could totally kick the guys asses in a rumble. They start with "Man, I Feel Like a Woman" Kat gets all the focus through this song.
Lisa Tucker and Paris Bennett are next and they belt out "Trouble" and even though their combined ages equal mine they are twice as menacing as Elliott when he sings it.
Mandisa, Pickler, and Contestant 12 sing "I'm a Woman. W-O-M-A-N" and it's pretty cool but short.The trio of Kat, Lisa, and Paris trade verses on "Natural Woman" Paris brings it home...really she should have won this damn thing.
Oh wait, it's "I'm Every Woman" I get they're women and they sings songs about women and being women and stuff...Thanks AI..totally missed that. Mandisa get the lead spot and belts it out. That was fun!!! Really it was no sarcasm.

The next Golden Idol Award is for Best Impersonation. There's a hilarious male Cher impersonator. Not in drag either! His "Believe"is GOLD!!! Michael Jackson has an imitator that breaks in and out of character when he forgets the words to "Thriller" which is almost like forgetting the words to "Row Row Row" and a Clay Aiken impersonator. The Clay Aiken Impersonator wins it and they offer him a chance to sing which he accepts. And like Clay he's not very homosexual either. *cough* Now I'm not sure how much of this was scripted, but my guess that had him prepare to sing on stage before he got there and nothing more. Anyway Clay-Mate #1 starts into "Don't Let the Sun Go Down on Me". Then behind him the backdrop splits and out comes... Alan Cumming!!!
No, it's Clay Aiken (BOO) and Clay-mate #1 totally loses his shit.


He then awkwardly keeps singing like he's there to do a duet. His mike is turned off so he's singing louder and louder until Ryan has to lead him off stage.
If it wasn't totally rehearsed then it was mean, but hey the guy got to sing in front of 200 million people and meet his Idol. What more could any fame whore want?

Okay it's going to be tough to top that trainwreck, so we lend a little class and elegance to the show with AI favorite and regular contributor Burt Bacharach. Since he didn't get his own them show this year he'll lead a medley of all his songs.

Taylor starts us off with "What the World Needs Now" followed by Kat who looks absolutely stunning in red.
Ace then comes out with Contestant #12 who is also in red. They actually pull off a pretty good "Look of Love". Surprisingly they had a lot of chemistry there. Seriously their duet was 100x's better than anything they did on the show individually.

Hey all the girls are in red!!! Pickler survived her snail poisoning and does "I'll Never Fall in Love Again" one of my favorite BB songs. Yes I call him BB we're tight,yo! It's cute!
Bucky for some reason has toned down the twang and does a great rendition of "Raindrops Keep Falling on My Head". He sounds wonderful. I think with a different haircut and a name like "Hannon" or "B.C." he could have gone a lot farther in this competition.
Mandisa does a run of the mill version of "Say a Little Prayer For You" I swear I can't hear that song without seeing My Best Friend's Wedding in my head. Yes, I actually saw that movie...SHUT UP!!!
Lisa Tucker with some kickin' eyebrows! Welcome to the O.C. Bitch!!! This is how we sing "Alfie" in Orange County. She's going to be a star.
Elliott does the I'm so so happy to be alone version of "This House is Not a Home" he sounds great.Jaunty trumpets play introducing the most surreal moment ever on American Idol. Holy shit 9 year old Kevin Covais is singing "What's New Pussycat?" For real yo! In case you don't know the song here are the lyrics. Anyway, the Idolettes are doing this choreography where they alternate crouching and they are totally cracking up. I admit I'm losing my shit too. Best. Moment. EVER!!!!!

Chris and Ace and Kevin do "Arthur's Theme It's quite shitty.

Paris then kicks ass with "Close to You" have I mentioned that she should have won the whole thing?

Dionne Warwick then comes out with "Walk on By" seriously since the Psychic Friends nonsense I gots no love for her. But then she probably already knew that. They end with "That's What Friends Are For."


They spend the next segment reintroducing us to the "Brokenote Cowboys". Long story, but during the auditions the producers went so far as to create a "Brokeback Mountain"-esque trailer for these guys. In return for having to be humiliated for months they get to sing "Mamma's Don't Let Your Babies Crow Up to Be Cowboys" In front of 200 million people. Cool moment for those who followed the show all season long. Say what you want about American Idol, but they really know how to give the fans what they want.

Ryan's announces that the surprises are done for and that it's time to get back to the results. The lights change and music starts. That tricky Ryan! Okay Idol who you got for us now...SWEET JESUS IT'S PRINCE!!!!!!!
He does two songs then he goes backstage without even acknowledging Ryan and doesn't say a damn word. He was probably in a hurry to do his dancers. He's still my hero.Unbelievable. This is such great TV. They've turned this into the Super Bowl and the Oscars rolled into one.

We jump back from the break right into the traditional Finalist duet. This year it's "Time of My Life" Kat looks absolutely stunning in her gown. She doesn't overact the song this time and its a fun duet. McPhee totally ducks the melody again I start thinking to myself oh muh guh wouldn't it be cool if they did the lift? How awesome would that be to see Taylor press big-booty McPhee up over his head...or vice versa (the girl has linebacker shoulders yo) I mean we've seen, Clay impersonators, 7 year olds sing about "Pussycat Lips", and Mother F'N Prince!!! Why not the lift? Why not the lift? Come on pleaseeee!!
Umm....I must have been in a trance because Taylor's announced the winner.Lot's a hugs and Kat looks like a gracious runner up. Taylor almost "Whooos" himself into oblivion. He does his single and breaks into awesome showman form as he tosses the lyrics aside he proclaims "I'm living the American Dream!" and thanks the band, the Idols , the judges, the singers, the fans and the Soul Something or other.

Great show. I'm exhausted.

P.S. I know I forgot about the Toni Braxton duet with Taylor.

P.P.S. Happy Birthday Sis!!!!!!

Tags: American Idol, Reality TV, TV