The Rant- X-MEN 3: The Last Stand

Man, this movie made an ass load of money this weekend! I got to see it and it's definitely worth checking out, but only if you've seen the first two films. Otherwise, this will just be a dimly lit film with a bunch a funnylookin' peeps wrecking shit up.

SPOILER ALERT!!!!
Stop reading now if you don't wanna be spoiled. I'm not really gonna review it but I just wanted to blurt stuff out.


The plotline has complex layers which isn't common for a superhero movie. Worthington Industries has developed a cure for the mutant gene that gives any mutant who accepts the cure to become "normal". The conflict isn't just between mutants and sell out mutants who want to be normal, but also includes the militant mutants who see this as an oppurtunity for the haters to wipe them off the map so they decide to organize.

Old Characters!

Jean Grey!!! Back from the dead! Hey you got schizophrenia in my powers! No you got powers in my schizophrenia! She's also 100 times more attractive to me in this movie than in the previous two. I really hope that it's not just because she's crazy. Anyway, crazy is always crazy and it happens in the worst way in this movie.

Cyclops gets put out of his two dimensional misery when he gets killed dead as shit by the back from the dead Jean Grey!!!

Rogue - Sells out and wants to be normal when she see's that Iceman ain't gonna put up with the no touchin' or you die rule.

Professor X...gets blown up into a million bald, pompous particles when he gets in Jean Greys way! The lesson as always: STAY AWAY FROM THE CRAZY!!!

Mystique - hit by the cure bullet and turned to normal. She gets blackballed by Magneto and out of the franchise. She had more camera time on American Idol pimping this movie than she had in the actual film. By the way she's now been involved with Uncle Jessie from Full House and the fat kid in Stand By Me, his name wasn't Chunk, that was Goonies mofo's!

Storm - Spends most of the movie getting her ass beat by some other chick. It's pretty hot stuff though.

Wolverine - Kills lots of people with his claws. Gets macked on by the Crazy Jean Grey, then has to stab the bitch for the good of all mankind. Yeah, whatever...no, I'm not taking notes....shut up!

Magneat-o Injected with the cure and is left playing chess with himself alone in the park staring angrily at one of the pieces. Sounds like how I'm gonna end up in 30 years. Hell, that could be me by the end of this one.

New Characters!!

Beast - I couldn't help thinking of Sideshow Bob and Frasier the entire time he was on camera. It's that distinctive Kelsey Grammer voice. They should have had him sing Tossed Salad and Scrambled Eggs at the end...maybe that was the mystery scene at the end I missed.

Kitty Pryde, Iceman, Pyro, Angel, Colossus, Spiny Guy - Just shitheads to wear the costumes and pose for the CGI...they could have been replaced with manequins they had such little to do acting-wise.

Juggernaut - The next time you're in the mall you'll probably hear someone yell "I'm the Juggernaut, Bitch!" at least once or twice. If you're the actor playing the Juggernaut you'll hear this phrase every day for the rest.of.your.life. The Juggernaut=the new Rick James. I'm also kicking myself now for not making a pancake and basketball joke at the end of my Prince performance recap in the American Idol finale post. DAMMIT!

Anyway, it was actually a fun movie. I hope there's a fourth. Oh yeah if you don't already know, you should stay until the end of the credits. Apparently, there's a scene at the end that's supposed to keep the idea of the franchise alive.

Tags: The Rant, Movies