Survivor: Mutiny

OMGWTFBBQ????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

How did Survivor go from this season's craptastic "race war" premise to rocking this hard?

Both teams are expecting a merge any second now. At Aitu, the Alliance of Five (Yul, Becky, Candace, Jonathan and Sundra) are making plans. All they have to do is stick together, and they're golden.

But wait! Candace says in confessional that she's just not that into Jonathan -- she still thinks he's shifty, and she wants him gone. And besides, as soon as a merge comes she's going back to the cool kids, aka Pavarti and FrankenAdam.

Jonathan pulls Candace aside. He's got a plan too. He wants to stick with her, and after the merge Team Whitey will rise again triumphant -- Jonathan, Candace, Pavarti and FrankenAdam as an all-caucasian Final Four. Dude, do you actually think that's going to work without a consistent immunity-winner on your side?

Candace doesn't make a commitment to Plan Whitey, but Jonathan says that he is "determined to not be the guy who made the move too late."

At Raro, they're planning for a merge too. Their plan is to stick together, but Brad says a merge means it's "every man for himself." Now Raro's back on the Hate Brad train.

Nate says he doesn't trust Brad, which means he's got to go. Actually, he says that with a lot of "homie" and pseudo-street language thrown in. Just stop it, Nate -- we've heard you speak in perfectly good English before, you can do it again.

The teams gather for the reward challenge, but Probst throws a wrench into the works. He offers each player a chance to "change their fate" and switch tribes. They've got ten seconds to decide.

With three seconds to go, Candace jumps to Raro. At the last second, Jonathan jumps too. Instead of a 6-6 split, Raro is now twice as big as Aitu.

Hey Jonathan -- just because the cheerleader lets you do her homework, it doesn't mean she's going to take you to the prom. You f'ed up big time, Alan Alda.

The new little Aitu is stunned by this development. Yul thought they were tight, yo! Raro does the "we're cool" dance. I hated Raro *before* this development -- now it's official -- Aitu rules, Raro drools.

On to the reward challenge. Two women from each team are stuffed into a barrel. Two guys roll the barrel over a series of obstacles, picking up four buoys along the way. Then they attach the buoys to the barrel and float it across a lagoon, retrieving four underwater flags. Get the barrel onto the beach, hang the flags, dig an axe out of the sand and use it to raise the flags.

Man, who thinks this stuff up?

The ride in the barrel looks barftastic -- bumping over logs, sliding down a steep slope. The teams are tied until they hit the water, where Raro veers way off course. Ozzy hooks the barrel with his feet and drags it while swimming underwater -- the man is part dolphin. Yul flexes his muscles impressively. Ahh, eye candy.

Mean, lean Aitu wins before Raro even makes it out of the water. They get coffee, pastries and letters from home. They also gets to send someone to Exile Island -- see ya, Traitor Candace!

Ozzy does a Bobby Jon style war dance in front of Raro, and proclaims that "traitors die first!" Yeah, I didn't like Ozzy after the whole "let's throw a challenge" debacle, but call me a sucker for an underdog story. Gooooooo Aitu!

Aitu bonds and cries over their yummy treat. I think Raro (in the form of Candace and Jonathan) has made a serious misstep here. Why not wait for a merge? What was once a shaky Alliance of Five is now a tight foursome. Aitu has seriously bonded, and I think it's going to take a lot to get them to go against one another.

Candace pouts because she got sent to EI. Suck it up princess -- did you think Aitu was going to kiss your ass? She also doesn't know why Jonathan jumped too, and she's annoyed he's tagging along.

At Raro, Jonathan is the most unwelcome dinner guest since Sidney Poitier. He's going his best to make people comfortable, but he's just creeping them (and me) out. Nate wonders why Jonathan even thinks they'll accept someone who just sold out his tribe. Interestingly, he doesn't mention that Candace just did the same thing.

The next morning, Raro lounges on the beach while their new slave gathers food and tends the fire. FrankenAdam thinks it's nice having a servant, and he likes Jonathan's idea of the return of Team Whitey. FrankenAdam want Final Four! Arrruuugh!

At the immunity challenge, the teams maneuver glass-bottomed boats to find targets on the ocean floor. They then drop cannonballs to hit the targets, releasing buoys. Collect six buoys, get back to shore and arrange them to spell the right word to win immunity.

Raro jumps to an early lead, collecting four buoys to Aitu's none. But then they start to look like the losers they are, veering off course and bickering. Probst reminds them they suck, and that they're wasting cannonballs. Jonathan tells him to can it. "Jonathan's getting frustrated by me!" Probst crows. Way to snark, Jeff!

Yul figures out he can see the target through the shaft they're using to launch the cannonballs. Aitu leaps ahead, collects their buoys, solves the puzzle and wins immunity as Raro looks on pathetically. At home, I drop my knitting and do a victory wave.

At Raro, Jonathan continues his futile quest for acceptance. Poor little loser. Candace tells Pavarti she's not aligned with him, and she wouldn't mind if he got the boot. Nate says that it doesn't matter if they have to vote one person off, Raro has numbers, and come the merge they're going to cut Aitu up like poop. WTF? Who cuts poop?

FrankenAdam and Nate discuss strategy. (Damn, even typing that sentence makes me laugh!) FrankenAdam says that he still wants to boot Brad, because he might flip at a merge, while Jonathan's got no place to go. Nate and FrankenAdam seem to really enjoy having Alan Alda's lips attached to their asses.

Nate says that he's got to "do a Denzel" and make Brad believe Jonathan and Candace are going to get voted out first. Denzel Washington appears and smacks him upside the head with an Oscar for taking his name in vain.

Hey Nate -- has anyone told you that you put the suck in sucka??

Candace and FrankenAdam continue their showmance. Ewww. FrankenAdam makes Billy look like a good catch. Candace tells FrankenAdam that Jonathan is playing him, that he was behind Adam's trip to EI and that he's scared of Adam's mightyness, or some such bulldrek.

Raaarrrrruuuugghhhh! FrankenAdam want smash Alan Alda with brick!!!! He tries to talk Nate into switching his vote. Nate agrees on the want to kick Jonathan's ass.

OK, the cool kids clique of Candace, FrankenAdam, Pavarti and Nate reminds me of everyone I hated in high school, and I wish to see them humiliated in a cheesy 1980s movie way. I'll see you at the K-12, suckas!!!

At Tribal, Raro is laughing it up like they're at the prom. Probst reminds them that Tribal means they're Losers, and Jenny says they're going to pop Aitu like zits. Enough with the icky analogies! Candace says she jumped to Raro because they have more fun. What an airhead. Nate says that Jonathan is trying to act like a leader, and that Raro eats its leaders. Ewww. Jonathan makes another useless attempt to make someone like him, but Brad admits that he doesn't trust anyone on Raro, and that's pretty much the kiss of death.

But then it's time for Raro to make "oh shit!" faces (Jenny looks like she swallowed a bug) when Probst announces Brad is the first member of the jury.

Next week: Raro still sucks.