People I don't want to see in 2007

Britney Spears, or more specifically, Britney's used-up poonani. I agree with Paj on this one -- cover that thing up, girl!

I had some hope when you dumped K-Fed and showed up in New York with a makeover and a new attitude.



Too bad you dropped it, and your pants, a few days later. And while we're at it, stop popping out of your maternity tops and stop shaving Golden retrievers and wearing the fur on your head -- you can afford a stylist. And a hairbrush. And a mirror.



Prediction for 2007: Gets tetanus from walking barefoot in a gas station bathroom.

Paris Hilton -- Enough with the celebutants. It would be nice if people were famous for actually having talent. Although it's pretty sad when "friends" like Britney Spears and Lindsay Lohan make Paris look classy in comparison.

Go away, don't come back, and take Nicole Richie with you.

Prediction for 2007: Releases another "reggae-influenced" song and is later beaten senseless by a group of Bob Marley fans.

Jessica Simpson -- It's 14:50 on the fame clock, honey -- bleach and boobs can only get you so far. And every time I see that "I'm hot and stupid" commercial for the digital televisions, I want to hunt you down and kill you in the face.

Prediction for 2007: Grosses-out the entire nation by writing a tell-all book about her "special relationship" with her dad.



Michael Richards -- You're dead to me. Take your "Seinfeld" money and go.

Prediction for 2007: Attempted comeback gig at "Showtime at the Apollo" ends in disaster.

Tom Cruise -- I don't care if the spirit of L. Ron Hubbard told you to jump up and down on Oprah's couch. I don't care if you've transcended to a higher plane of existence, or if you're the second coming of Zenu. Just shut up, already!

You've assaulted me with your stupid baby popping out of your jacket like an "Alien" movie, and you've set back fashion 10 years with your stupid bangs. Can we have a few months that go by without yet another story about how weird you are?


Prediction for 2007: Shoots Katie Holmes when she attempts to escape.

Lindsay Lohan -- Let's see, was it the repeated bouts of "exhaustion" or the public feuds that pushed Lindsay from actress to alcoholic has been? Maybe it was when she went to AA meetings but didn't stop drinking, or when she told friends Al Gore was going to be her savior.

And while there may be appropriate times for a 20-year-old to wear a nude-colored bikini, the birthday party of a 42-year-old bachelor (Jeremy Piven) ain't one of them, unless you're stripping to pay for college (wink, wink)

Prediction for 2007: Enters a convent after waking up in K-Fed's bed after a four-day tequila and coke bender. Gets kicked out of the convent two days later for stealing sacramental wine and calling the Mother Superior the c-word.

Mel Gibson -- Isn't it interesting the things that spew out of your mouth when you're wasted! And isn't it fun watching you apologize but *not* apologize?

"Braveheart" was a cool movie. But you've lost your cred with me, especially since "Apocalypto" was a high-class snuff flick. There are some strange, dark things going on in your head. Seek help.

Prediction for 2007: Gibson's attempt at a kids' movie, "Goodnight Moon," gets an NC-17 rating for gore.


K-Fed -- Bye, bye, Fed-Ex!! Your rapping was a joke, you're a skanky little punk who got dumped by text message, and now you're going to be poor. Awww!

Prediction for 2007: Working at a Wal-Mart in Bradenton, Fla.

Mary-Kate Olsen -- You're over 18 -- the child molesters can't hurt you now. Please stop dressing like you're Tom Joad. Bobo makes you look bozo.

Prediction for 2007: Olsen's designer cutting kit is a big hit with the Tweens.

Ryan Seacrest -- You're just freaking annoying. And you're everywhere. Please go away. Now.

Prediction for 2007: Disgraced when sex tape showing Seacrest with an 8x10 glossy of himself hits YouTube. Simon disses his performance as "over-the-top."

Candice from "Survivor" -- Really, I just wanted another chance to hate on Candunce. Get thee to Exile Island, bitch!

Prediction for 2007: Still trying to explain why her mutiny was a good strategic decision.