Survivor: Arranging a Hit

So it's night 30, and Jonathan has survived Raro's laughable attempt to bully Aitu into voting him off. So he should be happy, right?

Nope -- he's all upset by the names that he was called at Tribal, and he's worried that it's going to turn people against him. And he's talking way, way too much. Give it up, let it go -- do you really care what a waste of air like FrankenAdam thinks of you?

Paranoia and whining are the kiss of death in this game.

The next morning, the two brain cells rattling around Pavarti's head have reached a decision -- do some work around camp. So she helps Becky and Sundra chop coconuts.

Of course, she's chattering away like she's at a sorority mixer, and she's not paying *any* attention to where that machete is going. So what happens next is pretty predicable -- she damn near slices off her thumb.

OK, this was really gross. It wasn't as gross as watching Adam suck face with Candunce, but it was nasty. And they kept showing it and showing it and showing it -- CBS musta thought a little gore would bring in the CSI fans.

So Pavarti screams like a little girl, and Becky and Sundra act like adults and assess the injury, get her to calm down, yadda yadda. The cut's pretty serious, though, so we get a visit from one of the more little-known Survivor regulars, the emergency doctor with the sexy Australian accent.

Hiya, sexy doctor!

SD examines the wound, and stitches Pavarti up right there on the beach. He's cool, that SD is. Yul, Ozzy and Jonathan offer her some moral support (and wow, I'm sure *Jonathan* was just who she wanted to talk to right then) but FrankenAdam hides up the beach. Blood bad! FrankenAdam scared! Arrruuugh!

FrankenAdam says in confessional he's worried because he and Pavarti are "the last of a dying breed." Good. When you two are gone, all the remaining contestants will be homo sapiens.

At the reward challenge, Probst asks Parvarti about her thumb. She says she's cool, but that she can't get it too wet. Probst makes the chuckle of doom, and explains the challenge.

Use a little bucket to fill a big bucket with water. When the big bucket is full, it will raise a flag. First person to raise their flag wins reward -- a picnic with all the trimmings at a cave sacred to the Cook Islanders.

OK, I have a question -- how much did CBS have to pay the islanders to let a bunch of crazy American reality show contestants chew on fried chicken on holy ground?

But it's family visit time! Call me a sucker, but I love family visit time -- everyone's so happy. Jonathan's wife is there, and it's obvious that they are really into one another -- so sweet.

Becky's sister arrives, and sis is smoking! There's your eye candy, Paj! Then there's Yul's brother and ... yep, Yul got the looks and the brains. Sundra's mom is very proud of her girl, and Ozzy and his mom are just cute. Then there's FrankenAdam's dad ... wow -- the exact same vacant-eyed, slack-jawed expression! He looks just like FrankenAdam ... and I'm officially scared. There are at least two of them let loose upon an unsuspecting world.

So the family members are gonna participate in the challenge, because you just can't have enough "Family Double Dare" style action. The Survivors will be blindfolded, and they will have to pitch the water from the little bucket to their loved ones, who will catch it in another little bucket to fill the big bucket.

CBS even helpfully blindfolds a camera so we know that blindfolded means "no see."

Ozzy and his mom are just having fun -- they're not real concerned about water getting in the bucket. Yul, Sundra and Becky also don't have much of a chance. Probst kills Jonathan's wife's winning strategy by blabbing that she's squeezing water out of her shirt and hair to get more in the bucket. Now everyone's doing it.

By sheer dumb luck, Pavarti and her dad edge out Jonathan and his wife to win reward. Jonathan's wife looks pissed -- she's got a competitive streak. Pavarti gets to send someone to Exile Island, and she sends Jonathan. I guess he knew that was coming -- she wants to throw up on his face.

Jonathan gives his wife a big goodbye hug and smooch, as Probst says something about not asking permission. Shut up, Probst -- what are you going to do, pull a Taser out of your pocket? If I hadn't seen my sweetie in 31 days, and someone tried to stop me from kissing him, I would kill them in the face.

Pavarti's dad gets to pick two Survivors and loved ones to go along on the picnic -- but Pavarti can't say who she wants to go. He picks FrankenAdam (probably figuring the big dumb guy was just his daughter's type) and Sundra. The other family members go bye-bye.

The tribe returns to camp with the parentals. Sundra and her mom collect firewood and catch up -- I love it when Survivors put their families to work. FrankenAdam says he calls his father George because he's his best friend. Nah -- Adam's probably too dumb to remember that "George" and "Dad" are the same person. Ozzy and Becky are cranky that the 'rents are mucking up their quiet camp, so they stay away.

The boat arrives for the reward crew, and Yul, Becky and Ozzy are left alone on the island. They bond and talk about how it might end up being the three of them in the end. Since they're my choice for the F3, I'd be OK with that.

Singing islanders greet Pavarti, Sundra and FrankenAdam. Adam looks like he's looking for the bar. The islanders take them to a cave with a deep pool of fresh water, and say they bless the water with fragrant oil twice a year. They want Pavarti to do the blessing.

Nothing says "holy" like a skank with a bottle of scented oil.

They bless the water and then jump in and swim around. Then they leave the cave to find the picnic spread -- chicken, biscuits, meatloaf, corn on the cob, apple pie -- the works. Sundra mentions that FrankenAdam and Pavarti seem more relaxed when Jonathan's not around.

Ozzy, Yul and Becky talk about whether they want to keep feeding the useless. Ozzy says that he's providing the food so FrankenAdam and Pavarti can be strong enough to win challenges, and he thinks that's stupid. "If you can't get your own food at this point, then maybe you shouldn't be in the game."

They agree to hide some of the food from the Terrible Two and Jonathan and pitch coconuts into the jungle. I don't understand why Jonathan got lumped into this -- he's helped them in votes, and he's helped around camp *a lot.* But I guess the "Hate Jonathan" train is at the station, and everyone is jumping on.

This could be a whole different game if Jonathan and his wife had won reward -- I think she could have done a lot for him socially. It's that "at least somebody loves him" theory. Makes someone who annoys you suddenly appear more human.

Sundra, FrankenAdam and Pavarti return from the reward with a ton of food. Bags and bags of it. Everyone feasts and chills out around the fire, and the hiding food thing pretty much goes out the window.

At the immunity challenge, FrankenAdam says bye to his bling. Who does he think he is, Nate? Probst explains the reward. Race out into the water ... I turn off my TV. Ozzy's gonna win.

OK, for those of you who don't believe me ...

Race out into the water and cross and obstacle course to retrieve a bundle of sticks. Do that twice. Untie the sticks and use the sticks and rope to make a pole. Use the pole to retrieve two rings. First person to get both rings wins immunity.

Ozzy's in the lead. Yul and Jonathan are behind. The women are slipping and falling all over the course. Those shots of Becky and Pavarti scooching across the barrels? Just for you, guys. Sundra falls and cracks her arm and back on a platform *hard.* That seriously looked like it hurt -- I was looking for the return of SD.

Ozzy returns to the beach with his second bundle of poles! "Ozzy's working on his pole!" Probst says. "He's figuring out how much pole he has to work with! Ozzy's all about the pole!"

Thanks Jeff -- I needed the giggle.

Ozzy wins -- Yul's the closest to him, and he doesn't even have his pole together. (giggle!) Probst asks who's nervous about Tribal, and FrankenAdam and Pavarti raise their hands.

"The Immunity Challenge was right up my alley. It was actually quite hilarious to see people just eating it all over the place," Ozzy says. Now, since Ozzy apparently has a background in porn, I'm sure he's used to people eating it.

Yul, Becky, Pavarti and FrankenAdam are sitting around eating coconut. When Jonathan approaches, everyone stops talking. It's really annoying and awkward. Jonathan later asks Becky a nice question about her sister, and Becky completely blows him off. She doesn't even answer -- it's like she's been taking bitch lessons from Candice.

Jonathan knows the tide has turned. He tries to talk to Becky and Sundra to confirm that FrankenAdam is the next to go, and they blow him off. It's childish and it's stupid. Even if you hate the guy, he's helped you out and he at least deserves to know the ax is coming.

C'mon Aitu -- don't make me stop loving you. I just ordered the china.

FrankenAdam tells Yul if Jonathan goes tonight, FrankenAdam will ensure jury votes go his way. I'm still not sure how FrankenAdam thinks he has so much influence over the jury. Yul says he feels like the Godfather.

Jonathan tells Yul he's the perfect person to keep around come jury time, and he's got a point. Yul talks to Ozzy to see what he thinks. Ozzy doesn't particularly care who goes next.

At Tribal, Candice comes in with the jury, and FrankenAdam starts doing this freaky tongue wiggle. Probably learned that from his dad. Gross.

FrankenAdam and Pavarti continue ragging on Jonathan. Jonathan points out he saved Aitu's collective ass, and he thinks that deserves some respect. Probst eggs everyone on by asking "so explain to me why you all hate Jonathan so much."

Adam, quit doing that thing with your tongue!!! Quit it!!!

In a vote that shows stupid people getting their way and smart people being not so smart, Jonathan is voted out. As he leaves, he tells them he wants his hat back.

Next week: Let the backstabbing begin!