Survivor: This Tribe Will Self-Destruct in 5 ... 4 ... 3 ...

We begin with a quick recap of the season, which is pretty cool, because I get to see some of my favorite moments again, like Candice and Billy and the Mutiny. Then they show Candunce kissing FrankenAdam and I'm all grossed out again.

Damn -- is it going to take therapy to block that memory?

Big surprise -- FrankenAdam is sulking in the shelter. FrankenAdam sad. FrankenAdam sad all Raro fuckbuddies are in Loser Lodge. FrankenAdam sleep alone last night. FrankenAdam lonely.

FrankenAdam takes off to look for a monkey with self-esteem issues to be his new girl.

Sundra is the first person to trot out the old "now it's an individual game" cliche. Becky's still thinking about giving Ozzy the big boot.

Treemail arrives, and the clue for the immunity challenge is a spider web. Adam helpfully says "That's a spider web." Then he scratches himself. Everyone else says that it's Ozzy's challenge to lose. Guess they've noticed he's a challenge monster?

Aitu gathers for a pre-challenge huddle, while Adam comes up with a brilliant strategy: If he wins immunity, he won't be voted off.

The challenge is marvel of jungle engineering. Ropes and mazes and things to climb -- it must have taken a week to build. Probst says that the Survivors will race around the course, picking up eight bags of puzzle pieces. They've got to bring each bag back to the start before going out again. When they've collected them all, they can start on the puzzle. First person to finish wins immunity. Oh and BTW -- this is the hardest puzzle they've ever had on 13 seasons. Cheers!

Yul is the first person to grab a bag, but it looks like Ozzy took the hardest obstacle first. Good plan! Yul stays ahead for a while, but gets tripped up when he falls off a rope ladder. Ozzy almost falls off a rope bridge thing, but catches himself at the last second. Ozzy pulls ahead.

Ozzy starts solving first, followed by Yul, then Adam. Becky and Sundra are close enough behind to still be in the race. Ozzy's doing well with the puzzle, but Adam appears to be doing OK too, which just feeds into my idiot savant theory.

Adam's close, but Ozzy's closer. He finishes the puzzle and wins immunity ... again.

So Ozzy's got immunity and we all know Yul's got the hidden idol. Yul says it will be a whole different game once Adam's gone, and he's hoping it won't get too nasty.

FrankenAdam knows he's going out, but he wants to stir things up first. He goes to Ozzy and asks him to vote for Yul in an attempt to force out the HI. He suggests the same thing to Sundra, but she's not buying it.

So at Tribal ... OK Candice, quit making faces!!! Can they put bags over the heads of the Jury or something? This is beyond annoying. And Nate is hobbling and holding on to a stick. Did he trip over his ego?

Probst asks Ozzy if anything happened to change Adam's fate. Ozzy's all "uuhhh NO." Very funny.

FrankenAdam reveals his big plan, but admits he doesn't know if anyone bought it. It doesn't help when he's insulting Aitu and implying that since Becky and Sundra have been riding the guys' coattails, then one of them should give up their shot at a million bucks and let him have it. Because dude, Aitu's boring!

Here FrankenAdam, have some ice -- your brain's starting to smoke.

Probst calls Aitu out for riding on Ozzy's challenge-winning ability, and to some extent, they admit it. Becky denies it, and says that they're going to be trying extra hard now, but really, does it matter? Ozzy is part dolphin and part monkey, and his grandma was a big ol' spring.

Nate, Candice and Jenny -- quit making those faces. Didn't your mom ever tell you they'll freeze that way?

Yul defends Aitu by saying they got where they are by staying tight and working together. Now Adam, Candice and Pavarti are rolling their eyes. Quit it already -- if you didn't suck, you would still have a chance.

FrankenAdam votes for "Yule," because he's a big fan of the Winter Solstice. Everyone else votes for FrankenAdam, and he mercifully gets off my TV. A few people in the jury have the gall to look surprised.

Aitu celebrates their Final Fourness. Yul's happy that the winner is going to be a minority, and then he goes into a long quote about diversity that I tuned out in the middle of. OK, so he's really cute, but he needs to learn when enough's enough.

Treemail tells Aitu to hop in their canoe and row to an island and climb the highest peak, which means it's time for the ritual walk past the snuffed torches.

It's nice that Aitu gets to do this together, but it also means that it is the last challenge, and there are four of them. Yul does his math, and he knows something's up.

On to the torches:

Sekou: "He had a lot of energy," Sundra says. Umm, didn't he get voted off for being a lazy ass?

Billy: "Alright, Billy," Ozzy says. Way to cut to the heart, big guy. Billy says in voiceover that he learned to appreciate that he's a headbanging, rock and roll rebel. Hey Billy? 1984 called -- it wants its attitude back.

Cecilia gets passed with nary a word, and J.P. says in voiceover that "you cannot rest at any time." Unless you're J.P., and then you can sit on your butt and ask people to hand you things. Stephannie gets to talk about those damn potatoes again. Cristina gets a "Tough cookie!" from Ozzy, which I guess is what passes for high praise in his world.

Bye, Flicka, bye Cao Boi -- Aitu don't care about you. Bye Brad, bye Jenny, Rebecca and Nate. Candice gets to talk about sucking face with FrankenAdam and how "what you see is what you get with him." That ain't saying much, hon. I was hoping for a heartfelt "BITCH!" from Sundra or Becky, because that's what I said.

At Jonathan's torch, Ozzy stops to say "thank you, thank you, thank you," which is really sweet. Pavarti says in voiceover that she "thought she was running the game for a while." One time, I thought I was gonna get a pony for Christmas, but that wasn't real, either.

We get to see more of FrankenAdam's teeth in the video, and then its over. Aitu piles the torches on an oversized barbecue grill, and lights 'em up.

The final immunity challenge involves ... standing. Stand on a little platform in the ocean. Every 15 minutes, the platform gets littler, until its about half the size of a postcard. Whoever stays on the longest wins a very important immunity, because yep, it's a final three, not a final two.

Probst settles under an umbrella in his shades and kicky cowboy hat and prepares to banter until people leap off their platforms and choke him to death.

Becky drops at 45 minutes, proving that she has not been a factor in any challenge this season. Ozzy wobbles at an hour, then wobbles some more. Is he doing that on purpose?

Thanks CBS -- closeups of grody island feet. As if Candice and FrankenAdam kissing wasn't gross enough.

Probst asks the three how they're doing, and Ozzy says something about his nether regions itching, which almost makes Sundra fall off her perch laughing. That would have been funny -- immunity decided by an itchy crotch!

Yul's crouching, which is good for his stability but hell on his knees. He tries to stand up, wobbles, and splash! Now we're down to two.

Sundra is working it in this challenge -- you go girl! At two and a half hours, she loses her balance and falls. I bet none of you expected Ozzy to win immunity, did ya?

Back at camp, Ozzy talks about how he almost fell twice. Sundra looks at him like "ass, why didn't you?" Ozzy and Yul talk about who's gonna go, and since they're both safe, it will be either Becky or Sundra.

They decide to force a tie and let the best woman win. Nice -- that was pretty much the only way to avoid the Aitu backstab fest Probst so obviously wanted. I love Aitu again.

In the shelter, Yul offers the HI to Becky, since no one's gonna vote for him anyway. She hesitates to take it, because she doesn't want it to appear to the Jury that she skated in the Final Three on a gift from Yul.

Sundra asks Yul "hey, did you give the HI to your pseudo honey?" He says no, but I sense the possibility of trickery. It's a long shot, because it's Aitu, and they're good people, but it's also a million bucks on the line.

At Tribal, Probst tells the Jury that there will be a Final Three. They ... make faces and roll their eyes! At least they're consistent.

Probst tries to create some dissention in the ranks by implying that Yul gave the HI to someone, and Sundra looks a little queasy. But everyone stayed Aitu true, the vote tied, and when Probst asked Becky if she had the HI she said no. But with the look that passed between her and Yul, I think she did, and she *chose* not to use it.

Tiebreaker -- build a fire, burn a rope, ring a bell. Sounds simple, right?

The women start very methodically building little fire tepees of sticks. No one's rushing. Then they start striking the flints with their knives, and I know it's going downhill fast.

Don't hack at those things! Slide the knife along, like you're striking a match. This is *not* hard. And if you had even *watched* someone like Ozzy make a fire at camp, you might know how to do it.

Both of them are chopping at their flints like they're trees. The sparks are going everywhere but in the kindling. It's ... painful to watch.

Thirty minutes later ... THIRTY F'ING MINUTES ... neither of them has anything resembling a fire. They both officially suck at firebuilding.

An hour ... an hour! No fire. Probst is bored, Ozzy's got his head in his hands, Yul looks like he's gonna cry. The Jury's falling asleep, but Candice still has enough energy to roll her damn eyes and snipe "Come On!"

OK, I understand her sentiments -- come on, already, build a fire! But since Candice's firemaking ability consists of "go sleep in the shelter with Adumb and wait until Jonathan does it," I don't think she's got much room to talk.

A pissed-off Probst announces "OK, now you're gonna get matches." This is pathetic.

Luckily, both women know how to use a match! Unfortunately, neither of them can use one to make a fire. Sigh.

Thirty minutes later -- we're at an HOUR AND A HALF, for those of you counting at home -- they *still* don't have fire. In 90 minutes, Ozzy could have caught dinner, built a fire, cooked the dinner, built a shelter, installed cable and electricity and filmed a porno.

I expected Probst to throw up his hands and say "OK, now you get a blow torch and rocket fuel." Instead, he snipes, quite correctly, on how they suck and how in 39 days on the island, they should have learned to make a flipping fire!

Anyone else think that Probst was two minutes away from smacking someone?

Sundra runs out of matches. No, I'm not making that up. So all she can do is sit and wait for Becky to do that too. But luckily for Becky, lightning strikes her pile of kindling and she gets a fire going and wins the tiebreaker. It took TWO HOURS.

Sundra hugs Becky, and I think she's just glad to get to go home and not look so stupid. Probst snuffs her torch, which struck me as funny, since she'd just spent two hours trying unsuccessfully to make a fire.

Sundra says in her parting comments that someone owes her dinner. Boy, I hope they don't go to one of those Asian places where you have to cook your dinner over the little fires.

The next day, everyone gets to hug and celebrate. Becky's proud of not using the HI, but maybe she should have, because her sucky performance at the tiebreaker has killed *any* chance she has at the final Tribal. She thinks she's played a very social game, if by "social game" you mean "don't talk to anyone but Yul."

Just as I'm saying "hey, they don't get breakfast?" two Islander babes arrive with food and Champaign. Becky's nowhere to be found, having retreated to the Sandbar of Solitude.

Ozzy says it's kind of symbolic that Becky's not around, because the Jury's going to ignore her too. Yul's nicer, of course, he says she's a good friend and that finding a friend may be worth more than a million dollars. Awwww.

Yul wonders if the Jury will hold it against him that he beat them. Umm, yeah! Have you seen the faces they're making?

At Tribal, the Jury files in. Sundra cleans up very nicely.

Yul's opening statement is kinda dry and boring, but emphasizes that he's the one that's been running this game. Becky was funny: "I wasn't the smartest. Or the fastest. Or the strongest. Or the most strategic. Or the most useful around camp. And I can't build a fire. But vote for me!" Ozzy plays the underdog card. Good job, Ozzy.

Nate's first, causing him to go "oh, snap!" Nate, one last time: STFU. He goes into a long confusing monologue about how Yul is the godfather and Ozzy is the warrior. He asks Ozzy what he did that was strategic. Ozzy talks about throwing a challenge to off Billy. Really Ozzy -- don't go there. It wasn't your best moment.

Then Nate asks Becky why she should get the money, and she says she worked a lot with Yul and was very strategic. Nate pushes her some more, and she says there was no godfather, and that she was as crafty as Yul, even if her game was conservative. She talks about refusing the HI.

Sorry Beckers -- I like ya, and I do think you were behind a lot of the moves in the game, especially booting Jonathan, but you don't have a prayer.

Jenny, who has had the Bitchface of Doom for half a season, is surprisingly free of bile. She asks what's more important, strategy or physical prowess. Yul says strategy, and points out that his alliance made the Final Four.

Pavarti asks Becky why she should win, and Becky goes with the "really, I'm crafty!" talk again.

Rebecca, who doesn't know a *thing* about any of them (I'm not sure that pre-merge Jury members are a good idea) asks them to tell her why they deserve the money. Yul uses the "minorities, represent!" card. Ozzy jumps on board, saying that he wants to win to challenge stereotypes of Mexicans.

Someone nudges FrankenAdam awake. FrankenAdam bored! Arruuugh! He tells Ozzy to talk smack about Yul and Becky. Guess we just didn't have enough "Springer" action for him. Candice and Pavarti smile like the stupid brats they are.

Ozzy says they didn't work as hard as they could have and damn, get off my coattails already!

Queen Bitch's question is next. She congratulates the finalists in the most insincere way ever and accuses Yul of being careful with his words. Is that a bad thing? Maybe in Candice's world.

She wants a yes or no answer, and if he gives her anything else, she'll vote for Ozzy. Was Yul pandering to the Jury?

I call bullshit on this entire thing -- she doesn't want to vote for him anyway. If she could, she'd find a way to vote for herself, because obviously she's perfect. She's trying to belittle him and make him jump through hoops, and I would have cheered if Yul had called her on it.

But he doesn't. He's a politician, so he says "yes." Candice says that had to be tough for him, Yul tries to reply, and Candice gives him shit for talking while Princess has the floor. I have so much Candice hate -- is there any way we can send her back to Exile Island?

Brad wants to know the inner Ozzy. Ozzy talks about how he never really knew his dad and how it was hard to know he wasn't wanted and boy actually busts out some tears! Violins play in the background. Way to work the Oprah moment!

Sundra wants to know who's taking her to dinner. OK, she wants to know what people learned about themselves. Ozzy found "pure love," whatever that means, and Becky broke free of her Blackberry addiction. Yul says he got self confidence, and tries to play the "I was a loser" card but falls a little flat.

Jonathan tries to have a memorable speech, but I was focused on how ugly his shirt was. He asks Yul about what his future constituents will think about his lies. Yul points out that "Survivor" is a game, and people lie. Deal with it.

Jonathan then cracks on Ozzy for "acting like a prince," whatever that means, and asks why giving him a million dollars would make the world better. Ozzy's working the "poor little me" routine for all it's worth, talking about how he'd finish college and change the world. Everyone hold hands and sing.

Time for the vote. We didn't see much -- Jonathan voted for Yul and Pavarti was captivated by Ozzy's fire, or something like that. I think she wants to jump him.

Probst grabs the box and heads into the night. I miss the elaborate Probst travels the world montages, where he'd be hanging off helicopters and riding vintage motorcycles. Walking onto a stage in Cali is kinda ... boring, as Adam would say.

Cheers, time for the vote. Whoa -- when did Joey Lawrence get into the Final Three? Wait a minute -- that's a chunked-up Ozzy in a *really* ugly sweater. Becky looks nice, which is surprising, since most "Survivor" women look like ass on the reunion show. Yul looks ... dang ... I like me some Yul. If he had on those sexy little geek glasses, he could start a riot.

Probst reads the votes. I'd be happy of any of these people won, which is different. Normally there's one good candidate, and one chump. Or two chumps. But these three worked it. Go Aitu!

Yul. Ozzy. Yul. Yul. Ozzy. Ozzy. 3-3 tie! Ozzy. Yul. Oooh, very suspenseful. If the last vote goes to Becky, we're gonna have a tie. Anyone bring the fire-making kits?

Yul, Ozzy and Becky are holding hands. Awww, so sweet.

Probst peeks at the vote, and says Becky's out of it. Then he proclaims his manlove for Yul and Ozzy. Just get on with it, Jeff!

The winner of "Survivor: Cook Islands," and the champion of a lame-ass race war is ...

YUL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Yea! Yul!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Woo-hoo!!!!!!!!!!!!!

/em tosses confetti.

It's been a blast all -- I'm passing off to Paj for the big reunion show. See ya next season!