Lost: Greatest Hits

Sorry for the RL interruption, I know you've been eagerly awaiting ...

Been kinda interested ...

Been bored and wanted something new to read.

Anyway, sorta flashback opening. Someone (we can't see who) gets in an outrigger canoe and paddles fast. Uhh, OK?


Hey look -- it's a nature hike! Super Jack is leading Charlie, Hurley, Claire, Juliet, Sun, Jin, Sayid, Kate, Sawyer and Desmond into a meadow, and nobody has a bloody clue as to why.

Charlie complains about how there's too much secret stuff on the Island, and I've gotta agree with the little stoner. Hurley brings up Parachute Chick, but Charlie says hiding her was different -- they weren't playing football with the enemy.

Desmond stops and stares. He's either having a vision, or he needs a potty break.

Charlie asks about the pained staring, but Desmond isn't talking.

They stop in the middle of *nowhere* and Jack announces that they're "here." He then grandly announces what everybody already knows -- Ben sent Juliet to the beach to find out which of the women were preggers.

Kate, who seems to be 10 minutes behind lately, chooses *now* to get upset. Shut up!

Juliet says the Others are coming for the women tomorrow, and oh -- sorry for lying to you, Sun. Juliet's a wench.

Sayid points out that Jack's honestly is about an episode too late, but Super Jack will not be upstaged! He calls out to Danielle, and Rousseau steps out of the trees holding some wires. Then she blows up a big f'ing tree.



Hey! No one gets to blow shit up on his Island but Locke!

Jack says that when he heard the Others were coming, he wondered where the Lostaways could hide this time. But there's no place to hide -- it's the Others' Island, after all -- so he wants to fight. He's going to load the marked tents with most of the sweaty dynamite from the Black Rock, and then blow them up in a big, showy, mostly useless explosion that will look super on a season finale, but be easy to explain how pretty much everybody lives through it.



Flashback!

Two guys are sitting in a van listening to the radio, and Charlie and his brother Liam are trying to change a tire in a downpour. Guess they lost the coin toss.

Charlie wants to chuck it all and go home, but that's kinda hard when you still need to change the tire, doofus.

Liam argues they've got to get to the gig, they've got fans, they're headlining, yadda yadda, and Charlie says they're a joke, no one's buying the album, and sod off!

One of the guys sticks his head out into the rain, and tells them both to shut it -- their song is on the radio! He cranks it, and sure enough it's that same damn Driveshaft song they've been playing for three seasons (Ya'll Everybody? You Are Everybody?)

Liam and Charlie do a happy dance -- they're on the radio, and they're gonna be rock stars.



On a piece of paper, Charlie writes, "#5 The first time I heard myself on the radio."

Parachute Chick wanders by, and asks him about the Others. He says it's a long story, and to ask something else.

"Are you having a laugh," Naomi says, and all of a sudden I'm having flashbacks to this season of "Extras."

Charlie ends up telling her he was in Driveshaft, because he's gotta tell *everybody* at some point.

Naomi tells Charlie's he's the "dead rock star." They made a big deal of it when the plane wreckage was found -- big memorial service, greatest hits release -- the whole deal. But, she says, the good thing is he's not really dead, right?

Charlie smiles, but then he sees Desmond and gets that "soon to be doomed" look on his face again.



Jack and Juliet are working on rigging the bombs, but Rousseau points out they're gonna need a lot more wire or someone's getting their nose blown off. Jack says he'll get some of the Lostaways to strip the airplane wreckage.

Sayid wants to talk about Naomi's satellite phone, but Jack's not interested in any plan that's not his -- he's Super Jack!

They pee on each other's shoes for a minute, and finally Sayid gets to explain that Rousseau's rescue beacon is blocking the phone's signal -- if she'll tell him where the transmitter is, he'll turn it off and then phone the ship.

Juliet says that won't work -- Ben's blocking all the outgoing signals from an underwater Dharma station -- the Looking Glass. She doesn't know where it is, other than it's under the sea with the mermaids and the singing crabs.

But Sayid thinks he knows.



Charlie plays with Aaron, as Claire fusses over whether the Others are out to kidnap the baby again. Charlie vows to protect them both.

Desmond interrupts this happy family scene to ask Charlie to help him with "something," and they walk down the beach.

Desmond did have a vision, and a potty break, so now he's ready to tell Charlie about the vision. He saw Claire and Aaron get into a helicopter and fly away -- they get rescued.

Charlie's all sorts of happy -- he thought Desmond was gonna tell him he was gonna die again!

Oops -- there's the catch. For Claire and Aaron to get rescued, Charlie's got to shuffle off the mortal coil.



Flashback!

Kid Charlie's standing on the side of a pool, afraid to jump in. His father keeps urging him to do it, promising that he'll catch him. Liam paddles by and says Dad won't catch him, and Dad tells him to shut it.

Charlie takes some tentative steps toward the pool, takes a deep breath, and then jumps in. Under water he panics a bit, but his father grabs him and lifts him. They have a happy father-son bonding moment.



Under what he wrote before, Charlie writes, "#4 Dad teaching me to swim at Butlins."

Desmond asks about his list, and Charlie shoves it in his pocket. He tells Desmond he wants to know how he dies.

Desmond says he's inside a hatch, in a room full of equipment. There's a switch with a yellow blinking light. Charlie flips the switch, the light goes off, and then ... Charlie drowns.

Lesson here -- avoid switches and blinking yellow lights near bodies of water!

Charlie asks if Desmond is sure Claire and Aaron will get rescued, if he flips the switch. Desmond says yes, and Charlie says it's time to find the switch.



Sayid, who took all sorts of goodies out of Patchy's house, shows Jack and Juliet a diagram of the Looking Glass. Juliet says no one she knows has been down there -- Ben told everyone there was an accident and it's flooded.

Jack asks how the jamming equipment is still working, and Sayid says that's irrelevant -- it is working, and they've got to get it to stop. I am so loving Sayid's attitude these days.

Sayid says the Looking Glass is attached to the Island by a cable -- the same one he found on the beach. Follow the cable, find the station. Swim down, go through the hatch where the submarine docked, find the switch and flip it.

Getting back -- yeah, that's a little trickier.



Jack says he won't let Sayid go on a suicide mission. Charlie and Desmond walk up, and Charlie says he'll do it -- flip a switch underwater? Hells yeah! He even says he was British junior swimming champion and can hold his breath for four minutes.

Jack says no -- he wants to focus on blowing up Others. Sayid and Charlie argue, but Jack says he's wearing the bossy pants, and he gets to make the decisions.

Please, please, can we vote this asshat off the Island?



Rose and Bernard tie knots in wire. I'm convinced they're here just to dissuade bloggers like me who've cracked on the producers for forgetting them. Look! Not forgotten!

Jin asks Sun when he's going to tell him what's up -- he heard their names on Juliet's tape, saw the concerned faces -- what's the deal? Is the baby OK?

Sun says that Juliet took her to a medical station, and that she saw the baby on the ultrasound. And that it's healthy. She does *not* mention the "btw I'm doomed to die before the birth" part. They hug. Awwww.



Hurley spots someone paddling toward the beach. Hey -- it's the dude in the canoe! He comes ashore, runs towards the Lostaways, and promptly gets tackled and beatdown by Sayid, because Sayid is *all* about the beatdowns these days.

Sawyer pulls Sayid off ... hey -- hiya Karl! We haven't see you in ages! You been hanging with Rose and Bernard in the extras' lounge?

Karl, aka Paul Revere Jr., tells the Lostaways that the Others are coming. Sorry Junior -- they already know that. But do they know that the Others are coming now?



Six hours ago ...

Alex confronts Ben when he comes back to Camp Othersville alone. He doesn't want to talk to her, but he does give back the gun she gave to Locke.

Ben tells Eyeliner Boy that Jacob wants them to attack the Lostaways five minutes ago. Eyeliner Boy wants to know where Locke is, and Ben says he had an "accident."

Ben calls over some dude named Ryan, and tells him to take ten guys and attack the beach. If Juliet hasn't marked the tents, then take all the women. And if anyone gets in their way -- kill 'em.

Ben's tasted blood and he wants more ... more ... more ... MORE!



Alex gets emo and runs into the jungle to find Karl, who's apparently been hiding out all this time, and tells him to take the canoe and go warn the Lostaways -- Sawyer and Kate saved Karl's life, so they owe them a favor.

Karl protests that Ben will kill him if he catches him this time. "Is he my father?" Alex asks. She gives him the gun and a kiss and sends him on his way.



Super Jack's not sure whether or not to trust Karl, but Karl, ever the bringer of almost useful knowledge, points out that Juliet's a spy, and Jack's trusting her.

Sun wants to hide. Bernard wants to know where -- it's the Others' Island, after all -- they're gonna find the Lostaways sooner or later.

Rousseau doesn't have enough wire to blow the dynamite. Sayid suggests shooting, but Jack says they don't have enough guns.

Not the Others, you idiot -- shoot the tents. That old, sweaty dynamite is already unstable -- shoot it and it'll blow. Karl offers up his gun, and Rousseau says she'll be one of the shooters.

Super Jack overrules her, taking her gun, but saying that Rousseau is gonna lead the Lostaways up to her radio tower and disable her rescue broadcast. Because you really need like 30 people to do that.

Jack says that everything has to happen at the same time, because it's gonna be the season finale damnit -- we need action! So the Lostaways will go to the radio tower, three people will shoot the tents, and Charlie's going for a swim.

Desmond volunteers to go with Charlie, and they give one another "DOOM!" looks.



Flashback!

Charlie's asleep in a bed with two babes, proving that even geeky rock stars get laid.

Liam wakes him up, comments on the babes, and says that since they're in Finland, and it's Christmas, and Charlie's the only drug-free rocker in the world, he's got a present for him. Then Liam takes off a big, heavy ring with "DS" on it and gives it to him.

Charlie protests -- Ma gave that to Liam! And it's been in the family for three generations.

"And it's a family heirloom and that's why we named the band after Dexter bloody Stratton, I know," Liam says. "But, Charlie, let's be honest. We both know that I'm a sodding mess. But you, you're going to get married, have a family, a baby. I'll be lucky if I hit 30. The ring has to stay in the family, Charlie. So please, take it. Mom would want it this way. Pass it on to your little one someday. I need to know it's safe."

Charlie agrees to keep it safe, but says he's just holding it for Liam.



On his paper, Charlie writes, "#3 The Christmas Liam gave me the ring."

He goes over and asks Claire if she needs any help. She pouts because Charlie didn't tell her he'd volunteered to swim to the Looking Glass -- it might be dangerous.



Charlie says it has to be done so they can be rescued. Then he makes Claire promise she won't worry about him while he's gone.

Charlie smooches Aaron and tells him he loves him, and then puts him back into his crib. He kisses Claire and says he'll see her soon.



Flashback!

Charlie's singing in London, and it's the same song (Wonderwall) that he was singing in Desmond's flashbacks. It starts to rain, and he packs up his guitar and walks away.

Walking past an alley, he hears a woman call for help. She's being mugged, and Charlie runs down the alley and wallops the guy with his guitar case. The mugger runs.

He gives the purse back to ... Nadia! Sayid's Nadia! Is everyone in this crazy show connected?

Charlie makes some crack about having a heart attack, and Nadia tells him he's a hero. He protests that he did what anyone would do, and she says three other people passed by and did nothing. He's a hero.



Charlie writes on his paper, "#2 Woman outside Covent Garden calls me a hero."

Desmond's making Charlie a weight belt, to help him descend faster. He asks Charlie how long he can really hold his breath.

"Does it matter?" Charlie says.

Bernard's shooting Dharma brand cans like he's Doc Holladay. Rose protests that this isn't pheasant hunting, but he says nothing will happen to him.

Rose says she'll stay with him, but Super Jack overrules her, because he's f'ing Super Jack and he can tell a group of adults what to do!

Rose argues, and Jack says that if they don't kill the Others, it's not gonna matter where Bernard is.



"I like you better since you got back, Jack," Rose says. "You're almost an optimist." See why I like her? She takes Bernard to find appropriate clothes for hiding in the bushes.

Jack tells Sayid to get ready to leave, but Sayid says he ain't leaving -- Jack is. Jack's gonna lead the Lostaways to the tower, and Sayid's gonna shoot some dynamite.

Jack whines that he owes the Others a good explosion, and Sayid says that if he's going to be a leader, he can start acting like one. So what is he more with concerned with -- revenge or helping his people get rescued?



Charlie and Desmond are getting ready to leave, and Hurley wants to come too. He says he's tired of nature hikes and explosions, but he's a good paddler.

Charlie says he can't come, and when Hurley asks why, Charlie says he's too heavy -- he won't fit in the canoe.

Hurley's hurt, and he turns to leave. Stoopid hobbit! But then Charlie stops him and hugs him.

Hurley's all "I didn't want to go on your stupid boat anyway," but Charlie tells him he loves him. They don't kiss or nothin' -- they're hetrosexual life mates. Awwww.

Everyone gets ready to leave. Kate tries to flirt with Jack again, and gets cock blocked by Juliet. Jin's gonna stay to be the third shooter. Hurley offers to help Claire with Aaron, and as they walk away, we see Charlie's ring in Aaron's crib.



Desmond and Charlie find the cable and follow it into the ocean.



Flashback!

The night after the crash, Charlie sees a very preggers Claire, and offers her his blanket. They make small talk about plane crashes, and he assures her that they'll be rescued soon.



Charlie writes, "#1 The night I met you."

Charlie gives the paper to Desmond, telling him to give it to Claire -- "The five best moments of my sorry excuse for a life. Greatest hits. Memories. They're all I've got."



Desmond offers to swim to the Looking Glass in his place. He says that maybe he keeps seeing Charlie die because he's supposed to take his place.

Charlie asks about Penny, and Desmond says Charlie's got to think about Claire. He gives him the paper back and gets ready to dive in.

Charlie konks Desmond on the head with an oar, knocking him out. He puts the paper back in Desmond's pocket, saying that they both know Desmond's not supposed to take his place.

Charlie jumps into the water, and damn it all, I'm actually shedding a few tears for our doomed, stoic hobbit. He does this scene very well.



Charlie lets the weight belt take him down, then drops it and struggles into the station. He swims upward ... and comes up in a room? With air?

Charlie does the "I'm alive!" dance. Then a door opens and two babes enter with guns. They don't look happy.