Survivor: Fiji Reunion

It was a great season with a twist in the last episode that will go down in Survivor history, as well as one of the most angry juries in years.

Now it's time for the reunion, otherwise known as "Jeff Probst's shocking and disturbing obsession with guys who act like assholes."

Sorry I don't have any photos -- I'll scrounge around the Internet and see if I can dig any up.

Series of clips of Earl talking about how he's gonna keep his friends close and his enemies closer, and him chopping a snake in half on Exile Island.

He's a good winner -- I am content.

Probst says Earl never had his name written down until it mattered -- and then he got every vote! Not bad for a guy who never won Immunity and didn't even know he was going to be on the show until two days before filming started.

Earl said he hadn't even seen much of the show beforehand -- just the first season. But he learned as he went.

Earl and Yau-Man formed their friendship/alliance on the first day. They were supposed to go all the way together, but the strategy changed and at the Final Five, it was every man for himself.

Yau-Man says that they were stuck together on Ravu, and Earl had the best morals and work ethic, so that made him trust him. They're still best buds. Awwww.

Earl says his key moment to win, unfortunately, was voting out Yau-Man. He says he was shocked by Dreamz's decision, and that he'd already started planning what to say in a showdown with Yau-Man. He says that when Dreamz backed out of the truck deal, he thought "Wow, I just won a million dollars."

What if Dreamz hadn't betrayed him, and Yau-Man had been in the final? At least six jurors (Boo, Lisi, Rocky, Mookie, Alex and Stacy) say they would have voted for him. Ouch -- Yau-Man lost a million bucks, and Dreamz screwed him even though he never had a chance.

So Dreamz screwed Yau-Man, screwed himself, and gave Earl a million dollars. Dreamz jokes that he's a good guy, and I have an urge to hunt him down and kill him slowly.

Commercial break, and a Dreamz montage.

Time for the Dreamz segment. I consider turning the channel, because every time he speaks I want him dead. For the good of humanity, of course.

Probst asks how his homeless upbringing affected his gameplay, and Dreamz says that the conditions didn't bother him, but falling "in and out of humanity" did -- making friends vs. playing the game.

Sorry Dreamz -- I've seen some of the day after interviews. You didn't make any friends. In fact, the usually-friendly crowd is booing your betraying ass, so you may not have any friends for a long, long time.

OK, this is a long, mostly incoherent and annoying segment that I'm not going to recap fully. Probst cannot get Dreamz to answer a straight question. He may be incapable of answering a straight question. I watched a couple of minutes of the show three times, and I still don't have a clue of what he was trying to say.

This is the interview from hell, and we're stuck there too.

Suffice it to say Dreamz thinks he's some sort of freakin' genius. And he had a great plan. Or he didn't.

My head hurts. I may need therapy to overcome my urge to kill this guy.

Cassandra, for some unknown reason, backs Dreamz up and says he was playing the part of a complete idiot, and that he's actually smart and had some social skills. I don't know how much he paid her to look that dumb on national television -- maybe he gave her his truck.

We get some clips reminding us how the truck deal went down, including the "I promise to God" and how Dreamz is "a man of his word." The live studio audience is *not* sounding so friendly at this point.

Lots of Boooos! at the cutback and Boo jokingly waves to the crowd. Probst gives Dreamz *another* chance to own up and admit changing his mind, and instead, we get more non-answer babble. I hate Dreamz so much flames are shooting from my head.

Probst pushes, and Dreamz finally says that when he made the deal, he had no intention of keeping it. He's so full of it. Then he mugs for the camera and shouts "we're all friends, right?" The audience makes it clear that Dreamz is no friend to them.

Probst asks if he had any second thoughts about giving the truck back, and Dreamz says that a few crept in, but then he went back into game mode. He blows.

Probst says that Dreamz's charm too him a long way, because no matter how many people he backstabbed, he still remained likable. Whatever. Jeff has a weird thing for alpha males -- he was totally crushing on Ozzy last season.

Cut back to Earl. When Yau-Man was asking Earl and Cassandra if Dreamz would keep his word, and they assured him that Dreamz would, did he really think that? Earl says he totally thought Dreamz would keep his word.

Back to Dreamz -- did he tell his son that it's only a game? Yes. So lying, cheating and stealing are okey-dokey if it's a game? Remind me never to play Chutes and Ladders with that kid.

Yau-Man montage! Yau-Man says he thought Dreamz would keep his word right up until Jeff asked him what he was going to do with the Immunity necklace.

Yau-Man is very kind, saying that Dreamz is basically a smart guy who's very undisciplined, and that he hopes Dreamz gets some education and can make use of it. It's a lot nicer than anything I would have said.

Yau-Man says he didn't try to convince Dreamz to keep his word because his stubborn streak convinced him that Dreamz would. But he got burned. He says he gets recognized a lot and that the attention is fun.

Rocky montage! Ugh.

Surprisingly, Rocky doesn't irritate me as much as he did on the show. It may be that the ire of Dreamz's presence makes him seem like an OK guy, but he didn't make me throw anything at my TV this time.

Rocky says people stop him and take his picture, and that he'd describe his Survivor experience as "pretty rough, he got to meet Jeff Probst, and all in all a good time."

Clips of Rocky being an ass to Anthony.

Anthony says the showdowns with Rocky were hard to watch, but Rocky was hungry and crazy and Anthony didn't want to force a confrontation. He says he's now better equipped to deal with the lawyers at his job.

Probst tries the "tough love" bit again, and seriously Jeff -- STFU. I realize that bad boys make you tingle in a special place, but verbal abuse is not in someone's best interest.

Probst jokes about Alex's cross-examination of Cassandra, then asks why he trusted Dreamz, giving Alex the chance to babble something about working with the people you're stuck with -- it was Dreamz or Lisi, and Lisi wanted to go home.

OK, that's a great opening to ask Lisi if she's back on her meds after her psycho performance at the Final Jury, or if her shoes are ugly, or even why she was a whiny, annoying quitter. But no -- Jeff tosses her a gimmie question about "wearing her emotions on her sleeve."

If all Probst is gonna do is toss softballs and suck up to the jocks, can we get someone else to host these reunions, please? *Not* Rosie O'Donnell.

Boo tore his ACL. Ouch! He says he might use some of his Survivor money to get it fixed, but maybe not.

Michelle gets lauded for making fire without assistance. She says age doesn't matter -- have the right attitude and a goal. She's still as cute as Muppet, and cleans up very nicely.

Edgardo missed his family. Gary got a *huge* Survivor tattoo on his arm. Fire ants hurt.

Mookie says something, but I don't care. Stacy turned everyone hating her into a positive. Liliana gained 20 pounds before going on the show, but then got booted pre-merge, and had to go on a diet. Rita's kids are proud. Sylvia designed a house that will be on HGTV. Erica, who left her massive 'fro at home, was frustrated she didn't get to play longer. Jessica says she made friends in Loser Lodge.

Survivor's going to China next season! Woo-hoo! It'll be a nice break from tropical islands, and I wanna see a panda. I also want to see a tiger eat someone.

As the show signs off, Earl wishes his mother a happy Mommie's Day, and says he's giving her half the money! Gee -- I got my mom some plants.

See ya next season! Give me a shout if you want to see recaps of Pirate Master -- I'm going to watch the first episode and see if I like it.