Survivor: A Smile, Velvet Gloves and a Dagger in My Pocket

That episode title sounds like something you'd pay extra for in TJ.

Back from tribal, and Earl's pissy because the Syndicate's split vote allowed Alex to off Mookie. He says that he won't allow anyone to talk him into something he doesn't want to do again, with a "cross me and I'll off ya" vibe. He also sends Boo to break up a conversation between Stacy and Alex.

Earl might be getting into this godfather role a little too much.

For his part, Alex is just happy his slimy ass survived another vote. He says the Syndicate are stressing out and he's gonna go all ninja, laying low and watching the tension rise.

Apparently, doing anything to save himself is not part of Alex's grand plan. Have I mentioned yet that Alex sucks?

The next morning, Yau-Man is asking Earl about putting Stacy in the top four -- she's physically weaker and nobody likes her, making her a great person to take along with you.

Dreamz thinks the top four should be him, Cassandra, Earl and Yau-Man, but why in the hell are we concerned with what he thinks? He's gone all paranoid about how anyone who's not him is a threat, and I half expect him to pull out a shiv.

And Cassandra ... well, if she does that "mmmmm hmmm" thing one more time, I'm gonna reach into the TV and tear out her vocal cords. She's also whining because Yau-Man is playing to win, but I fail to see why that's a problem. Isn't *everyone* playing to win at this point? There's a million bucks on the line, woman!

OK ... who in pie thought up this reward challenge?



There's big hunks of pork hanging from ropes. The Survivors have five minutes to rip chunks of meat off, and then spit them into waiting plates -- you can't use your hands. Person with the most meat wins a helicopter ride, with a river-rafting trip and a big picnic. They also get an advantage in the Immunity Challenge and the chance to send someone to Exile Island. The second and third-runners up will get to go on the river rafting trip too.

The key to this challenge is to work with a partner -- one holds the meat steady with a shoulder, the other bites off a chunk. Everyone teams up except Alex, who can't get anyone to handle his meat for him.



This is bizarre and feral and I can't help but imagine what would have happened if Lisi had been here. Faceplant's mouth is big enough that she would have swallowed the pigs whole.

At the end of five minutes, Boo wins with 8.9 pounds of meat, followed by Yau-Man and Dreamz. Boo proves his loyalty to the Syndicate by sending Earl to EI to find a clue to the Hidden Immunity Idol. I'm not sure why Earl looks pissed.



Yau-Man's happy to get his first helicopter ride and see a place that's like the island where he grew up. Dreamz is cranky about having to share the reward with Boo, and complains that Boo talks to damn much.

Let that irony soak in for a minute: Dreamz is complaining that someone else talks too much.



Everyone enjoys the river rafting -- Boo says it's beautiful, Dreamz says he would have rather brought his family along. Yeah, that's great and all, but it's Survivor -- you wanna bring a friend, apply to The Amazing Race.



At the picnic, Boo, Yau-Man and Dreamz get letters from home. Boo reads about how everyone in his family is "eatin' good" with cheesy fiddle music in the background. They are playing this hick angle this episode!

Yau-Man's daughter got a B in Algebra, and he's frustrated -- why couldn't she have gotten a B in Spanish or something. Yau-Dad is hecka cute -- you just want to hug him.



Blech. Dreamz is tearing up and playing the homeless card again. Shut up, Dreamz! I'm tired of hearing how you've got to win this game because no one in your family is gainfully employed.



Earl's happy again -- he's got another clue to the location of the HII. It's in a tree near one of the paths at the Bula Bula camp, and he thinks he can find it.

Back from the reward, Dreamz and Yau-Man complain about Boo being a Chatty Cathy. Stacy starts bitching about Boo, too, and Alex jumps in, eager to crack on anybody who's not named Alex.

Alex pulls Dreamz aside and tells him that if Boo doesn't win Immunity, he'll help to vote him off first. I'd be more sarcastic, but this is the first decent play Alex has made all game. Then again, he's talking to Dreamz, who probably won't remember the conversation for more than two minutes.

Then Alex gets the standard "I've got to win this Immunity" confessional. There's a shocker -- winning Immunity allows you to stay in the game longer.



Immunity challenge time!

Boo opens his bag to reveal three climbing steps -- his advantage is that he doesn't have to participate in the first half of this challenge.

The rest of them will dig in the sand for their climbing steps. First two to find them move onto the finals with Boo, where they will use the steps to climb a 12-foot pole and grab a flag. First person to the flag wins Immunity.

Cassandra and Stacy are barely moving any sand, and Earl isn't working very hard either -- pathetic. Can't you even try? Dreamz finds his three steps quick. Yau-Man finds a step, and he's tossing all his sand into Alex's path. Alex starts tossing sand back at Yau-Man, and he finds a step.

Since they're the only two people interested in actually attempting this challenge, everyone watches them dig until Alex finds his third step and makes it into the finals.



Alex, Boo and Dreamz will place their climbing steps into pole slots to help them scale their poles. Boo jumps to an early lead. Alex abandons the steps and starts working the pole with his body, wriggling towards the top. He slips and can't reach the top.

Dreamz tries shimmying up the pole too, but Boo actually uses the danged steps, calmly reaches the top and wins Immunity.



Alex says he's not going to beg to stay -- he's gonna wait and the "appropriate people" will come to him. Yeah -- and monkeys might fly out of your butt. Pack your bags, slimeball.

Cassandra tells Alex she's sorry he's going, and he jumps on it, saying that they should blindside Yau-Man now and take him out before he can use his HII. Cassandra is considering it, and Dreamz and Stacy say they'll do anything she tells them to do.

But Earl's not buying Alex's argument that unless the Syndicate votes out Yau-Man, they'll have to start turning on each other. "I'd rather just vote your ass off now. I'll risk it."

Earl says Yau-Man is safe, because he's been winking at Dreamz and Cassandra. Uh ... OK? Dreamz doesn't want to vote out Alex, because Alex is his friend. WTF? When did that happen?

Cassandra makes that "Yau-Man is playing to win" comment again, and says that if they're going to blindside him, they have to keep Earl out of the loop too. I start to worry about my favorite old guy.

At Tribal, Probst clues in Yau-Man to the dissention in the ranks by asking if he can trust the Syndicate or is this the week for one of the six to go. Yau-Man tells Jeff that one might turn, two might turn, but three would be nearly impossible, so he thinks he is safe.

Alex says he's going to fight to stay in the game ... by sitting around all quiet and ninja like. Whatever.

Yau-Man does *not* use the HII. Oh noes!

... But it doesn't matter, because no one flips and Alex is gone. See ya, Horse Boy!



Next week: Let's make a deal.