American Idol 05.02.06 The Top 5 perform

Last week we said goodbye to Kellie Picker, she got cut off during her closing speech and didn't even get a sing out. Granted she played dumb to garner sympathy and votes and overstayed her welcome but she deserved better than that.

This week the Idols get to perform two songs tonight. One song will be chosen from the current top 10 of any of Billboards charts. The other will be chosen from the year each Idol was born which means I'll probably feel very old and somewhat gross during the next hour.

In order to avoid the time crunch of both last weeks performance and results show, we jump right in to Elliott Yamin's baby pictures and then his performance of "On Broadway" which was recorded by George Benson in 1978. Waitaminit the song's gotta be older than that. Is that fair? Shen- oh never mind, Elliott's performance is perfectly non-offensive and non-memorable, just like him. My main complaint is about his tie which is barely loosened and unbuttoned top buttoned which doesn't seem to make sense. He's not sneaking from the boss so why wear it so Subtlely untied. Oh well...

Paris is up next and she was born in 1988, and is going to do a song by Prince, which should mean something from Sign O' the Times or Lovesexy which could mean "Alphabet St.", "Hot Thing" or maybe even "If I was your Girlfriend" but she chooses "Kiss" What??? How is that 1988? Hmmm...okay the Prince Discography from wikipedia does indeed state that "Kiss" was a #1 single in 1986, but was reissued in 1988 as a single. Seriously now!!! Shenan- Oh screw it. "Kiss" should be fun...and it is! Especially since she has to genderfy a song so she doesn't seem queer. "You don't have to be rich to be my girl" gets changed to "You don't have to be rich to be my BOY" which doesn't rhyme with "you don't have to be cool to rule my WORLD". This is so awesome for two reasons. One, it sounds so awkward it gives me the giggles. Two, it puts Paris on equal footing with every sing-a-long jerk like me who has done this. Don't believe me? Wait until you hear my rendition of "You make me feel like a natural...MAN!" Her voice sounds great as usual, but there's something trainwrecky about this performance. I really can't put my finger on it. Oh yeah, it might have to do with a 17 year old singing PRINCE!!!!

Chris performs "Renegade" by Styx. Man if they are gonna fudge the years couldn't he have done "Mr. Roboto"? or "Sailing"? Okay Chris is as safe as anyone can be at this point. European Castles. Good, consistent, crap-rock performance.

Okay on this week's episode of what's Kat wearing...we start out with a sitdown with Ryan where she explains that she had a wardrobe malfunction last week and that she lost a button...a very crucial button which nearly took us to Va-Jay-Jay town! She claimed that she didn't even know about it and after reviewing the replay *cough* a few times I believe her. We see her baby pictures and man does she look evil...I mean really really evil. Kat is going to do a song from 1984. Okay I knew 1984 was going to be her year ahead of time and I tried to think of the perfect song that she could perform. 1984 happened to be the year that Madonna performed "Like A Virgin" in a wedding dress live on stage at the MTV music awards. Seriously, for guys mid 20's to 40, this moment was like the Moon Landing or when Kennedy got shot. Guys remember exactly where they were when they first saw this. Me, I was chillin in the TV room stretched out on a deerskin rug throwing a tennis ball against a skylight when I saw Madonna writhe around and grind on the stage...Test it out with the guys you know...

Okay, the moment I see that dress, brown and tight with belts above and below the boobies and below the knees I know that there's not going to be any floor humping. I mean she reminded me of Donna Martin dressed as a mermaid. I kept on waiting for her to tip over. Anyway, in lieu of "Like a Virgin" we instead get "Against All Odds" which starred Jeff Bridges, who is now reduced to playing the gymnastics coach in the movie whose commercial says it's not called "Gym-nicetics". That old and creepy feeling is starting to set in.

Katharine, on her third paragraph now, butchers this song...it's breathy and she tries to Mariah Carey every other note and she kinda gets confused about where she is in the middle of it. She flubs a lyric and really puts in a disappointing performance over all. I actually thought to myself "Man, I wish Phil Collins was singing right now". Then I smashed my left pinky toe with a Ballpeen hammer. It was so shitty that Simon, in the middle of Ryan going over Kat's phone numbers has to break it up and CLARIFY that this was NOT one of her better performances and his comment was meant to be a negative remark. It was one of my favorite all time Idol moments. It was that good!

Next, Taylor gives us a history of his hair...and sings "Play That Funky Music, White Boy" by Wild Cherry. Hmmm...isn't this song his raison d'etre or his esprit du corps or something like that. I mean has there ever been a more fitting song for anyone ever? Okay, Taylor sits with an acoustic guitarist at the foot of the steps and serenades the crowd tenderly while seated. Okay fine! He spazzes out more so than usual and acts out the closing lyric "Lay down the boogie and play that funky music til you die" and then collapses on stage. Kill me now!!!!

Okay at the halfway point. Paris was bizarre, Elliott was bland, Katherine was crappy while Chris and Taylor were Chris and Taylor.

So now we're going to do songs that are on the current billboard charts. Okay I think I'm going to be lost here.

Elliott performs "Home" by Michael Buble. My Mom likes this song and this artist. God, please never let her find this blog. I've heard this song on the radio a few times and it's recognizable at least. Elliott does a nice fair rendition of this song, but he really is Blandy McBland tonight. At least he isn't making me angry like he usually does. I thought it was nice. He runs off to meet Ryan at the interview nest and Ryan has to shuffle him back to face the judges. It's cute but Paula ruins the cuteness of the moment with her cackling. Randy and Paula both sing his praises. Simon nitpicks Elliott's choice of song since the refrain of "I wanna go home" is not something you want to put in the minds of voters at home.



Paris comes out wearing a camouflage top, silver pants and a big-ass red belt. She stomps out to Mary J. Blige's "Be Without You" She totally rips shit up. I loved it even though I generally hate straight up R & B. Randy and Paula both loved it as well. Simon pulls out another awesome moment when he says something to the effect of "Unlike Paula I thought your performance was superb!" even though she totally complimented Paris. Good stuff there. I'm getting the vibe that Paris might be in trouble though.



Chris sings "I Dare You" by Shinedown. He is the Debill!!!! He screeches the song. The judges think that the choice of song could be better. Simon points out that Chris's voice sounds like it's on it's last legs. Wow that could cause some drama in the next few weeks.


If it seems like I was rushing through the last few contestants, well I was. We have Ryan starting off by saying that Katherine will be performing "Black Horse and the Cherry Tree" by KT Tunstall and that Katherine...is on the floor! Oh man, could it be?? Do I actually get the floor humping? Oh my God...there might be something to this wishful thinking business. Okay, so there is no wedding dress and no Madonna, but I could have never imagined that it would turn out like this. Must...be...good...I'll let the pictures talk now...







Okay I'm going to do my best to keep some composure here and not hit full perv mode. Randy and Paula love her. Paula points out that Simon likes Kat's toes...which are painted teal to match her top. They zoom in on her feet and NO I'm not posting it. I don't think I want that kind of traffic. Simon says the song showed a lot of the bubbly bouncy personality that she displayed throughout the show. I agree it was a very fun performance. Whew, I think I can make it without making an overt sexual commentary.

Ryan meets Kat at the center of the stage and says "You looked pretty comfortable down there" Oh NO...HE..DID...EHNT!!!!!! Pffffftttttt Face turning red...cheeks hurting...okay then he asks the gentlemen on stage what instrument they were playing. They say "box drum". I quit! I gotta stop now

Taylor somehow gets to sing "Something" by the friggin Beatles as his current song since apparently there is a reissue. Okay, I'll let it go SHENANIGANS, SHENANIGANS, SHENANIGANS. Taylor channels the sad basset hound seeing eye dog that he wishes he had. Judges are kinda meh.

What a weird night.

Predictions

1) Paris
2)McPhee
3) Taylor just to get everyone riled up

I think it's so long Paris Wednesday night.

Tags: American Idol, Reality TV, TV