Survivor: You're a Rat

After the vote (goodbye Nate -- you suck!) the Aitu group is celebrating the turn in the game. They're really happy and excited, like "holy shit, that actually worked!"

Raro ... not so happy. And they're turning their full spoiled brat entitlement bitchfest on Jonathan. Wow ... you're *surprised* that the guy you've been treating like your personal slave saw an opportunity and took it? Doofuses.

Jonathan tells them Yul has the Hidden Immunity Idol, and that he gave him a choice -- flip or go home. The cool kids are having none of it -- Pavarti tells him that she's "so disappointed in him" in the most patronizing, annoying way ever. Then she says she "wants to throw up on his face." She's really proud of that too -- says it four or five times. She also thinks he's a "filthy, disgusting rat."

What is it with these brats and disgusting analogies?

It's Day 28, and Sundra is showing Pavarti how to gut a fish. Which not only means that Pavarti hasn't gutted a fish in *28 days,* she hasn't even been near the work being done. What does she think -- dinner comes from Trader Joe's? Jonathan is amazed that Pavarti is so very, very lame.

FrankenAdam is pouting by the fire -- which I'm sure he didn't start. He tells Pavarti that the game's not any fun like this, which means that if he doesn't have the numbers to lord over the other team and cut them up like poop, he's gonna pout like a three-year-old. Way to play the game, chumpsauce.

Woot! It's Survivor Auction time! I love this challenge!

Each tribe member has $500. Bidding is in increments of $20. Borrowing money is allowed. Sharing food is not allowed. The auction will end without warning.

The first lot is covered, and the cool kids seem confused that they don't get to see what they're bidding on. Jonathan wins a hot dog, fries and a beer for $100. On the way back to his seat, Candice won't shift to get out of his way and he dumps a bunch of beer on her. I'm smiling already.

Pavarti wins a hot bubble bath and a piece of chocolate cake. She tries to slide into the tub in a sexy manner, but just doesn't do it. Give it up, Pavarti -- if Jenna Morasca had won that reward, she'd be naked.

The next time is an envelope that Probst says will provide some power in the game. Yul tells Becky to bid, and that he'll lend her some money. Pavarti pouts "you've got the numbers, why do you need it?" Awww, poor thing. Shut up and eat your cake.

Becky and Candice battle for the envelope, each borrowing cash from their honeys. Becky wins, at $640. Maybe Candice couldn't count higher than that.

Becky gets to send someone to Exile Island immediately and take all the money that person has left. Yul helpfully points out that Candice and Adam still have $500. Candice gets sent to EI again.

Probst points out that the HI could still be there. Yul pipes up and says he can end the suspense -- he's got the HI. The cool kids do their best "Yeahbutwha?" faces. They don't believe him until he pulls the damn thing out and shows them -- even lets Pavarti hold it and inspect it.

I wonder what would have happened if Pavarti would have been smarter and taken the HI, said "cool, thanks," and tucked it away?

The pouts from Raro are classic -- I love this season.

Ozzy (Jeff calls him Dolphin Boy) wins the use of an ice cream machine for the rest of the challenge. He slops a bunch of soft-serve onto himself -- Pavarti looks like she wants to lick it off. Jonathan wins a pepperoni pizza, and makes a spectacle of himself eating it. It's never a good idea to enjoy a reward *too* much.

Sundra bids $140 for a covered lot, and gets a sea cucumber. Jonathan uses the last of his cash for toothpaste and mouthwash. He even tips Probst $20 bucks. Smooth. FrankenAdam doesn't bid at all -- I don't think he understood he was supposed to try and win things. Maybe Jeff should have used smaller words.
Right after Yul says "I hope this doesn't end soon," the auction is over. You gotta be quick to get the goodies!

Back at camp, Jonathan makes a complete ass of himself bragging about all the food he ate, how thirsty he is, and ripping out pizza burps in front of Sundra and Becky.

I can understand him wanting to twist the knife a little for Pavarti and Adam, but it's not a good idea to annoy the people you're allied with. Yul even warns him, saying how hard it is to watch someone else eat when you don't get to, but Jonathan and his tummy just don't get the hint.

Yul, Becky and Sundra discuss just how obnoxious Jonathan can be, and wonder if its time to rethink their boot order. Pavarti overhears, and runs to tell Adam their might be a crack in Aitu.

Pavarti and FrankenAdam make a ham-handed attempt to sway Becky and Sundra to vote Jonathan out. They're not really trying to play the game at this point -- they're just pissed at Jonathan, and they want him gone.

FrankenAdam and Pavarti "go fishing" -- otherwise known as heavy petting. Yul, Becky and Sundra talk again about whether its time to get rid of Jonathan, and Jonathan knows something's up. He's worried about what Becky and Sundra think of him.

Poor widdle Candunce cries on EI. She misses Adam, she wants a hug, blah, blah, blah. Cry me a river. No, really -- cry me a river. It's great getting to watch Candice be miserable -- I could have watched that for a whole hour and not gotten bored. Her sorrow is my joy.

Treemail says the Immunity Challenge will involve questions about what's happened in the game so far. FrankenAdam says he wants to do well to get some revenge on Jonathan. FrankenAdam no like old man! Arrrugh!

At the challenge Ozzy waves bye-bye to the immunity necklace. Probst explains the overly-complicated challenge (and I'm lazy, so I'm gonna quote from CBS.com)

"The tribe members will be quizzed on how well they recollect the events of the last 30 days. First, each tribe member will answer four questions which will have numeric answers. Then, each tribe member will add, subtract or divide the numeric answers to come up with a final number. Then they must untie a corresponding box, searching for a key. That key opens a lock and raises a flag. The first three to raise their flag move on to a final round. The winner of that round wins Immunity."

This challenge is custom made for Aitu and their super big brains, right? But something interesting happens: They blow it. None of them even advance to the second round -- FrankenAdam, Pavarti and Jonathan do.

Now, this could be because they were all legally dead, or FrankenAdam spiked the sea cucumbers or something, but I have a theory: They blew it on purpose. None of them needed immunity, and Jonathan did. If he's got the necklace, Yul and company have an ironclad reason they *can't* vote for him, and they can do it without pissing Raro off even more.

Funny thing happens on the way to Tribal, though -- FrankenAdam wins immunity. Not just wins -- he blows Jonathan and Pavarti away with enough time to do a lame-ass victory wiggle. Now, he could be some sort of Rainman-style idiot savant (which would explain *a lot*) or because the challenge was multiple choice, the sucker got lucky. I vote for luck.

Candunce is smart enough to know her number's up at Tribal. And guess what? She's pouting again! She's mad she's getting voted off before Jonathan. The cool kids try the bully approach -- they approach Yul and say they want Aitu to vote Jonathan off before them.

They're not even *trying* to play the game at this point -- their whole argument consists of "he's a poopyhead!" Every time I think these people can't suck anymore ... they surprise me. Their suckitude knows no bounds.

Yul says that Jonathan's useful to him -- he's a rational, self-interested player, so therefore, its pretty easy to predict how he'll react to something. The cool kids whine some more and accuse Yul of being Aitu's ringleader (which he is). Then they say if Yul doesn't get rid of Jonathan, they'll hold it against him in the jury vote.

Juries are usually full of spiteful hate, with at least one person's question being a variation of "apologize to me because you're a better player than I am." I have a feeling this jury is gonna be a doozy. Rational thought has no place in the cool kids' world.

Jonathan overhears some of this nonsense, and asks what's up. Yul is cool enough to say "pretty much what you'd expect them to do." Now Jonathan's pissy.

Yul and Becky talk over the situation, with Yul talking about what he's going to have to tell the jury and what he needs to do in the final vote. He may be looking ahead too much -- even if Aitu gets to final four, there are still three other people in that alliance besides him, including the person he's talking strategy with.

The look on Becky's face is priceless -- Paj pegged it perfectly. She's thinking "damn, I'm gonna have to marry this motherfucker to get the money, aren't I?"

Candice, FrankenAdam and Pavarti have a cuddle puddle in the shelter, with some kissing and some groping and ... excuse me, I just threw up in my mouth a little. I gotta go brush my teeth.

Ahh, that's better.

The Aitu four and Jonathan have been working hard to make a fish dinner. Jonathan apologizes for not catching more, and then looks over at the cuddle puddle and asks if they really have to feed the useless. Ozzy says there's no such thing as a free lunch, and the five of them proceed to eat.

The remnants of Raro *finally* notice, and apparently, are quite annoyed that the butler didn't inform them dinner was ready. Candice goes into a full hands-on-hips, head swiveling meltdown, demanding to know why the cool kids didn't get a share of a meal they didn't do *anything* to help with. She says "this is gonna come out at Tribal."

What, is that the "Survivor" equivalent of "I'm telling Mom?" What a bunch of babies. STFU!!!!!!!

Then she turns on Jonathan again, talking about how he's a rat and he's betrayed everyone. Jonathan argues, and at one point, their bickering over whether "weasel" was a verb or a noun in a sentence. Grammar Ninja ruling -- it was a verb in that sentence. Candunce was right for once. But Jonathan gets a point for proper use of the word "bollocks".

Then Candice goes into a screamfest about how nobody likes Jonathan, not even Aitu. Yul slaps her down with a confident "you don't speak for me."

Yeah, I'll agree -- Jonathan might be a royal ass. He's not the guy you want to be stuck on a desert island with. He's not even the guy you want to be stuck on a cross-country flight with. But that doesn't matter.

What these people never seem to understand is It's A Flipping Game! I don't have to like you or trust you to work with you, and if I was a contestant on "Survivor," I certainly wouldn't be concerned with whether or not the other contestants were my friends.

I've got plenty of friends. You know what I don't have? A million bucks. That's what's important on "Survivor."

The jury comes in at Tribal. Hey Nate -- Dumb Donald called. He wants his hat back. Also, quit bugging out your eyes, tapping your feet, doing spit takes and touching yourself. You're either the worst mime *ever*, or the most annoying juror since Courtney on "Survivor: Exile Island." I never thought I'd hate you more when you weren't talking.

Pavarti calls Yul out for being the Godfather of Survivor. FrankenAdam and Candice jump Jonathan's shit again. Pavarti says that Raro surrenders -- Aitu can vote the cool kids off, but just vote Jonathan off first before she hurls chunks on him. Pavarti also says she's "twice as mature" as Jonathan. If you've got to say how mature you are, you probably aren't.

FrankenAdam makes some inane comment about how the jury will respect Aitu if they "cut loose their cancer." Whatever.

It's interesting watching Raro try to run the jury, considering (a) they'll all be on it very, very soon; and (b) Nate is the only member who *didn't* get backstabbed by the Tiresome Triplets. If I were Jenny or Brad, I don't think I'd give a damn what FrankenAdam thought.

Nate's bugging his eyes out again. OK, I don't have a million bucks, but I'll give my 401k to whatever jury member reaches over and slaps the shit out of him. Consider it a bonus.

Yul tries to smooth things over a bit. Probst calls him the "U.N." I think Yul may be counting his F2 status before it hatches again. He's thinking more about jury votes than he is getting to that jury vote. Hubris could be what brings him down.

Candice gets the boot, and Probst has a big ole grin when he says she's gone -- I think he'd had quite enough of her too.

The only bad thing about Candice getting the boot is that I won't get to watch her cry on EI anymore ... ahh, memories.

So she gets up, then leans down to Adam and he sucks her face off. It was the most nauseating, no-toothpaste, obnoxious spit swap ever. Nate's eyes bug out so far he has to pick them up off the floor.

Probst grins even bigger as he snuffs Candunce's torch, and then says "A kiss is nice ... Maybe if it were love he would have given you the Immunity necklace."

Oh snap! I love you, Probst!!!!!!

Next week: Pavarti's on the chopping block.