Saturday, March 31, 2007

The Rant - Blades of Glory

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Now I hadn't jumped on the Will Ferrell movie bandwagon until I saw Anchorman. After seeing Talladega Nights I was officially a fan. In anticipation of Blades of Glory, I seriously considered feigning illness to catch the first viewing, then I actually was sick the day before ruining those plans. From the trailers Blades of Glory looks like just another Ferrell movie where he plays a larger than life character, the kind that Randy Savage and the Village People would look at at and say "Damn, that guy's macho!" This character eventually falls from grace and finds redemption by the end of the movie. Well it is exactly that type of movie, but it doesn't matter. As someone who has sat through every Adam Sandler mildy-retarded savant movie and I sat through every formulaic moment of Blades of Glory and loved it. As usual this is not an actual review just some impressions:


A+++ on the soundtrack. The song listing includes "Con Te PartirĂ²", Billy Squire's "The Stroke", Marky Mark's "Good Vibrations, Queen's "Flash Gordon", and a theme song by American Idol runner up Bo Bice.

Craig T. Nelson, who played the title character on the long running ABC series "Coach" has a supporting role in Blades of Glory playing...a coach.

They did such a great job creating a surreal figure skating world with the inclusion of Nancy Kerrigan, Brian Boitano, Peggy Flemming, Dorothy Hamil and Scott Hamilton. The skating vignettes were also very well done. I'm guessing they had a deeper satirical take on figure skating originally planned, but instead left it at surface parody and focused on the interaction between Jon Heder and Will Ferrell.

After watching the trailers I was worried Jim Lampley would be terrible as the Sports Announcer. He was great though and I don't have to shudder the next time he calls an HBO boxing match. He totally owned Al Micheals and Bob Costas performances in BASEketball ranks right above Brent Musburger and Dan Fouts in Waterboy and right below Bob Ueker in the Major League trilogy.

Will Arnett, who played the self-absorbed, dim, but conniving Gob on Arrested Development has a supporting role in Blades of Glory playing...a self absorbed, dim, but conniving rival skater.

The Iron Lotus ranks up there with the Triple Lindy as the move I want to see at the next Olympics.

As many times as I've seen Will Farrell's self destructive washed up loser act, I still can't help but cringe every time he gets started. I mean that in the best way possible.

There's an awesome bit were Arnett and Amy Poehler have just finished a Hip Hop ice skating routine that is just spot as on a mixture of the hip-hop and ice skating world. After a disappointing result Arnet says something to the effect of not only did we disappoint Marky Mark but we let the Funky Bunch down as well. Double fist pump yo, cause that's what MMATFBWD.

Jenna Fischer, who plays mousy, but smokin' hot pushover Pam, in The Office, has a supporting role in Blades of Glory playing...a mousy, but smokin' hot pushover. Okay running joke or not, for those who care, Jenna Fischer looks awesome in this movie and we get to see her felt up while in lingerie. That by itself makes it worth the price of admission.

Lastly, I hadn't seen Jon Heder in a movie since Napoleon Dynamite. I thought he did enough for me to stop thinking "Lucky" or "I'm pretty good with a bo staff". No small feat since I mentally yell "You shit on my house" every time I see Dr. McDreamy.






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Friday, March 30, 2007

This weekend kicks ass!

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Tonight: Blades of Glory

Saturday: NCAA Final Four and WWE Hall of Fame Induction Featuring Dusty Rhodes, Jerry Lawler, and Mr. Perfect. All three of these wrestlers have recieved at least one drunken tribute from me and my friends.

Sunday: Wrestlemania XXIII

In honor of the Shawn Michaels v. John Cena match that I'm legitimately excited to see here's a battle of their Titan Tron entrances. (I'm pretty sure Michaels will be coming out to the DX theme rather than "Sexy Boy")






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Thursday, March 29, 2007

American Idol-The Results

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This week featured a perfomance by Gewn Stefani and Akon. I'm not going to really mention it because I hate Akon. I swear I had heard that song a million times and had no idea he was even part of it. I mean hell I coulda done the "WEE-HOO's" in that song...

We kind of breeze through the eliminations with the bottom three being Phil, Hailey, and Chris Sligh. Yes, you read that right. Sanjaya is not in the bottom three and the reality of the situation is that he's not going to be at least for a few more weeks.


SHockingly, to me anyway, Chris gets the boot. Unlike last week, he gets to sing us goodbye. In a cruel twist of fate, he actually nails the tempo and does a much better job than he did last night. First Brandon forgets the words and Chris lost his timing. Looks like nerves has claimed two Idols prematurely.


One of my readers suggested that I feature the song that was butchered the most on Idol the previous night. Since pleasing my readership is how I roll here's the actual vdeo for No Doubt's "Bathwater" which was destroyed by Sanjaya last night.



Paj Note: These clips never last long, but here's Sanjaya's Bathwater performance.





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Wednesday, March 28, 2007

Lost: The Man from Tallahassee

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I've been racking my brain on how to give a Lost recap a Wrestlemania vibe.

Umm ... Let's get ready to flashback!!!!!!

Anyway, I've decided this show lives and dies with Locke. When he's whiny and annoying, the show blows. When he's being mystical/mysterious or devious, it rocks. Go Locke!

Although I'm beginning to wonder if they should change the title to "What's Locke gonna blow up this week?"

Flashback opening!

Brown-haired Locke is in a depressing government office being interviewed by a depressing government worker about his depressing life. Single, no girlfriend, raised in foster care. He's eating, though.

Government chick says she's noticed he's not submitting therapy bills for reimbursement anymore, and Locke says he quit going. She tsk-tsks, and then cancels his disability payments, saying that when he goes back to therapy, he can reapply.

Kate, Sayid and Locke hide in the jungle and watch Jack play football with Zeke and cozy up to Juliet. Rousseau has snuck away, because, well, she's Rousseau, and she's sneaky.

Jack and Juliet walk hand-in-hand to one of the houses, knock on the door, and Ben comes out in a wheelchair. Ben and Jack shake hands and chat like old buddies.

In one of the biggest understatements of the night, Locke says that rescuing Jack could be more complicated than they thought.

Complicated, hell! Kate locks and loads and gets ready for an armed invasion into Othersville. WTF? Sayid asks, and Kate makes up some B.S. line about how Jack must be drugged or brainwashed or something, but mostly she's hecka pissed that Jack is cozing up to another girl. She's the Queen of the Universe, dangit! The lame-ass romantic triangle must continue!

Sayid points out that rescuing someone who doesn't want to be rescued is kinda tricky, but Locke interrupts and says that the first time he saw Jack, he was pulling people out of a burning airplane. I'm not sure how that's relevant, but ...

Locke says that Jack must have a good reason for what he's doing, and that they should wait until dark, sneak into Othersville and find out what it is. And if Jack wants to leave, they'll help him.

Flashback!

Locke sits in his depressing apartment and eats a depressing microwave dinner in front of his depressing TV. Someone knocks, and Locke tries to shoo the young guy away by pointing to his "no solicitors" sign.

But the guy isn't selling anything. He introduces himself as Peter Talbot, and says he wants to ask Locke some questions. But Locke's not interested, until Peter says "yo, how many kidneys you got?"

Locke listens to the kid's story. Peter's rich momma has found a new beau, Adam Seward, and wants to get hitched quick. But Peter thinks his stepdad-to-be is shifty, and had him checked out. He can't find much on the guy, but he found his medical records -- and Locke gave him a kidney. Can he vouch for Seward?

Locke looks at the picture of his kidney-stealing daddy that Peter hands him, and then lies and says it was an anonymous donation. He never met the guy.

Later, Locke, Kate and Sayid spy on Jack and Juliet. The happy couple says good night and then Jack heads into a house alone.

Locke tells Kate to sneak in the side door, and that he and Sayid will stand guard. Kate asks if they want to ask Jack about that hussy too, but Locke says it's better if she goes alone.

Everybody does the sneaky bit, and Kate slips into the house. There's piano music. He's got a pie-loving piano? No wonder he doesn't want to leave Othersville! Kate sneaks through the house until she sees Jack playing piano in amid a bunch of mid-century modern furnishings that would go for a bundle on eBay.

Jack finishes his piano interlude and turns to see Kate. She says "hi" in a "I'm trying to be adorable" way, he's all "WTF are you doing here?"

Kate says she's here to rescue him from the hussy. Jack tells her to hit the road. She doesn't get the *obvious* hint and stands there like the idiot she is, until he shouts "they're watching me" and directs her eye to the equally obvious camera mounted on the wall.

The Queen of the Universe stamps her feet like a three-year-old and insists she isn't leaving. I continue to be surprised at just how stupid Kate is, and hope against hope that this time, she'll get the bullet to the gut she so richly deserves.

Two of the Others burst in, and Jack tells them not to hurt her. Awww, c'mon guys! Hurt her!

Two more Others appear with Sayid, who's not as sneaky as he thinks he is. One of the Others pushes Kate to the ground and sticks a pistol in her face, asking her who else is there. She continues to shout for Jack, like he's gonna make it all better somehow. Jack tells her to answer the f'ing question.

Ben is laying in a hospital bed in the dark. He hears a noise and calls for Alex, but when he turns on the light, he finds Locke instead. Locke is sneaky.

Ben says Locke doesn't need the gun -- he'll tell him where Jack is. Locke's all "like I care." He wants to know where the submarine is.

Ben plays dumb, but he's got a evil smile -- he's got a plan. Locke goes on about Patchy told him about the sub, right before he killed him. Locke looks really happy when he talks about frying a guy. It's creepy.

Alex calls to Ben, who tells her to stay away, but it's too late -- she walks in, and Locke nabs her.

There's a knock at the door. Locke drags Alex into the closet, and tells her to be quiet. It's Zeke -- he's there to tell Ben that they've captured Kate and Sayid.

Ben tells Zeke to split them up, and find out how they found Othersville. Zeke asks about Juliet and Jack and tomorrow morning, but Ben says he'll handle it.

Hey, it's the recruiter guy who convinced Juliet to leave Miami! He's here too! Ben tells him he wants to see the Man from Tallahassee.



Flashback!

Locke skulks about in a flower shop and watches Kidney Stealin' Daddy and his new honey pick out a bouquet. KSD sees Locke and heads his way.

Locke snarks about the wedding -- will it be a big shindig, or will KSD do it Vegas style?

KSD wants to know how Locke found out, and Locke tells him his soon-to-be stepson thinks he's shifty. Locke tells him to call the wedding off, "because it's not fair. You come into people's lives and make them feel like family." And he gets all uppity until KSD says he'll cancel the wedding.

OK -- this is dumb. KSD is a con man. He stole Locke's kidney. He faked his own death. Do you think he's going to promise something and mean it? It's not like Locke made him pinky swear.



Locke asks if the "man from Tallahassee" bit was a secret code, and Ben gets the best line of the night, pointing out that the Others don't have a secret code for "help, a man with a gun is holding my daughter hostage in the closet," but it appears that they should.

Locke sends Alex to retrieve his bag of tricks.

Ben asks Locke to help him into his wheelchair -- no tricks. He just wants some dignity. Then he taunts him about not knowing how to pilot a submarine, which ya gotta admit is a pretty specialized skill.

Ben also knows what Locke's got in his bag of tricks. Locke was in the Flame, and he met Patchy, so he knows about the explosives. Locke's gonna make the sub go boom. Man, he really doesn't want to leave the Island, does he?

Locke's all "don't talk to me like you know me, son!" Which is funny, because Sayid did pretty much the same thing last week.

Ben says he does. He knows Locke was born in California, that he was raised in foster homes, that he had a crappy job at a box company. And he knows that Locke spent four years in a wheelchair before he crash-landed on the Island. He even knows how Locke got in that wheelchair.

Duh-duh-DUH!!!!

Ben and Locke stare at each other. "Tell me, John, did it hurt?"

"I felt my back break," Locke says. "What do you think?"

Kate wiggles around on a pool table to get her handcuff hands in front of her. Zeke comments he didn't expect to see her again so soon.

Jack comes in and Zeke tells him to be careful, and that they're listening. He leaves.

Jack wants to know if Kate's hurt. No -- but she's pouting. Stupid wench. Jack explains that this is where the Others live.

Kate wants to know about the kids and the people who were taken -- Jack says they're safe. Kate pouts more and wants to know if he's one of the Others now -- and if he's touched that blonde hussy in her naughty bits.

Kate gets pissy that Jack's not pathetically grateful to be rescued, and Jack points out he *told* her not to come back for him. She didn't think he actually *meant* it -- who would want to be separated from the Queen of the Universe?

Jack explains he made a deal, and he's done his part, so he's going home in the morning. He says he'll bring help, which is either a lie or extremely naive. If these people have gone to the lengths they have to conceal the Island, I don't think they're going to let Jack ring up with Coast Guard.

Kate wants to know why Jack trusts the Others, and he says Kate told him to, when she told him to save Sawyer. Kate pouts some more.

Juliet comes in and tells Jack it's time to go. Kate gives her the look of doom. Jack tells Kate that he told her not to try to rescue him, and that he wishes she hadn't. Then he whispers in her ear that he will return for her. Whatever -- you might find the charms of civilization with Sammich Girl override Stupid Kate.

Flashback!

Two police detectives stop Locke in the parking lot of his apartment, asking about Peter. Locke plays dumb, saying he thought Peter was a solicitor.

Nope, the cops say -- Peter was worth about $200 million. So why did he have Locke's name and address in his pocket? Locke wants to know why they were going through Peter's pockets, and the cops say "Pete's dead, baby. Pete's dead."

Back on the Island, Ben says it was hard being in the Hatch will Locke for so long, knowing that he was supposed to be paralyzed, and not being able to ask what happened. He wants to know now -- did the feeling return immediately after the crash? Was he up and walking around that day?

Locke says Ben's wondering why he's not up and around -- it's been a week since the surgery. And how come he got sick in the first place, since he's on the magic, tumor-curing Island?

Ben asks if that's why Locke wants to blow up the submarine, because he's afraid he'll be crippled again. Locke changes the subject and asks for snacks.

The Others have Sayid chained to a swing set, and Alex stops to look at him. Sayid's guard tells her she's not supposed to be there.

Alex says that her dad told her to get the bag of tricks. Guard dude wants to know why, and Alex is all "dude, like he tells me anything." Guard dude gives her the magic bag.

As she's leaving, Sayid says she must be Alex. She wants to know how he knows her name, and he says it's because she looks like her mother. Alex looks shocked and says her mother's dead, and Sayid says that's what they told her. Guard dude smacks him in the head.

Ben turns on the lights. Locke asks where the electricity comes from, and in the second-best line of the night, Ben says "We have two giant hamsters running in a large wheel at our secret underground lair."

Locke gets some chicken out of the fridge and chows down. Ben says that if Locke blows up the sub, he'll have problem with the Others. Locke wants to know if that's an incentive.

OK, we've got this big banter bit going. It's obvious Ben's trying to goad Locke into blowing up the sub, which is pretty damned easy, because that's what Locke wants to do anyway! And besides -- it's Locke. He has a compulsion to blow shit up. So do we really need to spend this much of the episode on a foregone conclusion?

Sigh. Apparently we do.

Ben says he was born on the Island, but many of his people weren't and they need the illusion that they can leave, even if they never will. The sub provides that illusion. He says that Locke's already made the commitment to stay, so he doesn't need it.

Then he starts talking about a big, magic box, and whatever you imagine is in it. He wants to know what would be in Locke's box. Locke says he hopes the box is big enough to have a new submarine in it.

Ben asks Locke why he's pissy all the time, and Locke says "because you're cheating! You and your people! You communicate with the outside world whenever you please. You use electricity and running water. You have guns. You're a hypocrite! You don't deserve to be on this Island. If you had any idea what this place really was, you wouldn't be putting chicken in your refrigerator."

I'd like to point out that Locke is chowing down on the chicken even as he berates Ben about it, and that he's quite fond of guns -- all the Lostaways are. Damn show looks like an NRA convention. So who's the hypocrite?

Ben says Locke's only been on the Island for eighty days -- Ben's been there his entire life. So what makes Locke think he knows the Island best?

Locke says because Ben's in a wheelchair and he's not. Oooh, sick burn!



Alex returns with the pack, and Locke says she's going to take him to the sub. Then he'll let her go. Ben offers to go in Alex's place, but Locke says no -- he'll slow him down.

Ben tells him about the deal he made with Jack, and that Jack and Juliet are supposed to leave the Island when the sun comes up. Because the purple sky wiped out their communications with the outside world, it's a one-way ticket. If the sub leaves, it can't come back. So even if Locke doesn't blow it up, no one will find the Island again.

Locke and Alex leave. Outside Alex says, "You know he's manipulating you, right?"

"How's that?" Locke asks.

"That's what my father does, he manipulates people. He makes you think it's your idea, but it's his."

Did I mention foregone conclusions?

Alex takes Locke to the dock where the sub is, and he says he's sorry for involving her and lets her go. Rousseau is watching from the trees.

Jack and Juliet arrive at Ben's house, and Jack says he has to ask Ben for a favor -- let Sayid and Kate go. Ben asks if Jack will stay if he doesn't, and Jack says he would.

Ben smiles and says that Jack's friends are only there to rescue him, and since he's rescuing himself, there's no need to keep them. He agrees, with the evil grin back in place, to free Kate and Sayid once Jack has left the Island.

Jack and Juliet walk to the dock, where they find a soaking wet Locke and two Others holding guns on him. Jack asks him what he's doing there, and Locke says he's sorry. Jack asks what for, and BOOM! the submarine goes kaplooey!



Flashback!

Locke barges into KSD's place and asks him if he killed Peter. KSD says of course he didn't -- he's been conning a long time and one suspicious kid isn't going to throw him off his game.

KSD pours two glasses of the same whiskey that was in Desmond's flashbacks. Locke asks him why he's still in town if he's broken things off with his honey.

KSD admits he hadn't ended the relationship -- he was looking for a way to make some money off of it. But Honey's called off the wedding because she's so upset that Peter's dead, and that KSD is leaving town -- he's a con man, not a murderer.

Locke asks if he calls Honey, if she'll tell him the same story. KSD says she will, and gestures toward the phone. Locke moves that way, and KSD shoves him out the window, and he falls eight stories and lands with a big splat.

Dang -- KSD stole Locke's kidney *and* tried to kill him? That's Sopranos cold.

Later, banged-up Locke is in a hospital bed. The detectives are there, and they tell him KSD skipped town.

A nurse comes in and says Locke's got a big day, so the cops have to go. He says Locke's going to get in his wheelchair today.

Locke says he wants to be left alone. Nurse dude doesn't care, and picks up Locke while he argues and puts him in the chair.

"No, please, I can't do this," Locke says.

"John, you fell eight stories and survived. I don't want to hear about what you can't do." Locke sits in the chair and cries.

Locke is chained to some pipes while Ben gloats that he's really done and done it now -- mom's gonna be mad!

"You don't have to pretend to be disappointed in me anymore," Locke says. "We both know that you wanted it to happen. That's why you left the C-4 in Sayid's bag, because you wanted me to make it happen."

Ben tells Recruiter Dude to uncuff Locke.

"Remember earlier when you said I was a cheater?" Ben says. "When you said I didn't deserve to live on this island? Well get this, there I was shaking hands with Jack and thinking that I would give almost anything to come up with a way to stop him from leaving, because to let him go would be a sign of weakness, of failure, of defeat. People would see that. They would know that. And, that, John, would be the end of me. But to kill him, that would be cheating, because my people also heard me make a promise and to break my word, that would be the end of me too. And then you came striding out of the jungle, John, to make my dream come true."

"You're not going to start talking about the magic box again, are you?" Locke asks.

"No, John, I'm going to show you what came out of it."

Recruiter Dude and Ben take Locke down a hallway.

"When I asked you earlier if it hurt when you suffered your injury, I think you misunderstood me," Ben says. "Seems fairly obvious that when a person's back smashes into a hard surface after being thrown from a building, that that's going to sting a little. But I really wasn't asking you about the physical pain."

"What, you want to know if it hurt my feelings?" Locke says.

"No, John, I wanted to know what it felt like when your own father tried to kill you."

Ben says that KSD is the reason Locke blew up the submarine -- that the Island is the only place in the world that KSD can't find him and hurt him again.

Ben continues to say that Locke has a communion with the Island, and that makes him important. Ben wants to help him learn. Locke asks why, and Ben says because he's in a wheelchair and Locke's not.

Recruiter Dude unlocks a door, and Locke looks inside. In the room, bound and gagged, is ... KSD!!!!

WTH???


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Songs You Should Know - Badstreet U.S.A.

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Wrestlemania XXIII is only five days away so Tortilla Chips and Milk is gonna have a wrestling slant for the next few days as we build up to big event. This edition of "Songs You Should Know" features the greatest wrestling music video of all time Badstreet U.S.A., by Michael Hayes and the Fabulous Freebirds. This video features everything that was awesome about wrestling and music videos in the 80's and was (I think) the first wrestling theme song ever sung by the wrestler himself. In the words of P.S (Purely Sexy) himself. There are two things you can do with what I'm gonna give ya...take it and like it.




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Tuesday, March 27, 2007

American Idol - Pop Music ala Gwen Stefani

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Aight, suckas! I ain't gonna perpetrate here, I am totally pumped that Gwen Stefani is gonna be our sit in legend for the evening. I've been a fan ever since I first saw the video for "Just a Girl" with her wearing her little "Gwen" tank top. I've seen her in concert three times and have been left satisfied every time. Even though she's going through her "I don't give a rat's ass, I'm Gwen, dammit" phase, draggin' around those Japanese girls, I still think she's the bomb, yo! I don't care if she's a little B-A-N-A-N-A-S.

Ryan promises songs from No Doubt, and the bands that inspired them like Donna Summer (?), the Police, and the Cure. Did he say the Cure? Anger rising...not a good sign...all I gotta ask is which toolbox is going to sing "Lovesong"?

My anger stems a bit because Lakisha is leading off tonight's show. Her session with Gwen didn't have much to it other than it left Gwen wondering if she should be asking Lakisha for singing tips.

She's performing Donna Summer's "Last Dance" and like I've said before, it's not any fun when they pick obvious songs and they sing them well. She did step it up a bit from last week. She's in it to win it. Randy likes the tempo change for her. Paula says she did Donna Summer proud. Simon likes the boots and says she's 30 years younger this week and liked her big notes. It was a good way to start out the show.

Chris Sligh is up next and he's in the hot seat for one of those bullshit questions. Is he sarcastic and unfunny? Maybe he is or maybe he IS. Anyway, during his session with Gwen where he's previewing "Every Little Thing She Does is Magic" Gwen tells him that he really has to work on the tempo because he's off like a mofo.

He starts out and ...good gawd...he's taken "Every Little Thing She Does is Magic" and turned it into a Police song!!! HOW DARE HE??? Oh wait, never mind. Gwen was right on the money about the tempo because at the end of the very first verse he's already fallen behind. Then he gets panicky and nasally, He still keeps extending notes too and falls behind even more before the second chorus. I swear it's like he's never heard the song before. It really is a disaster even though his voice sounds decent. Karen from "The Office" did a better job with this song though.

Randy totally calls him out on the tempo, and calls it a train wreck. Paula makes "staying in the pocket" this season's pitchy. Simon thinks it was mess, gets cut off by the music and has a mini hissy fit. Chris shrugs it off, but admits that he was off with a simple "My bad".

Gina's next and an emotional moment when she meets one of her inspirations in Gwen. She's singing "I'll Stand by You" by Chrissie Hynde. Gwen thinks it's the perfect song for her voice. I'm thinking it's the perfect song choice. If a rocker chick wants to show her vulnerable side why not sing a song by a rocker chick showing off her vulnerable side. "2000 Miles" would have been better but , whatev.

Gina's looking kinda yummy in her tight tight outfit and looks likes she's going to tip over when she starts out. The only problem I have with this is that I hate this song no matter who sings it. Still. she sounds great and gets to show off her rich voice with some big notes.

Randy calls it one of her best performances and it was the perfect song for her. Paula says she's coming into her own. Simon does a fake out with "It wasn't one of you best performances" (insert boos) "It was your best performance" (insert yays) Gina is totally psyched she's in tears. Good for her. She's back on my favorite list.

If you could hear me groan, that could only mean it's time for Sanjaya. Of course he was the subject of the most obvious parody ever on Saturday Night Live...my guess is that they will milk him for all it's worth. I'm not gonna harp on it but obviously I'm not a fan. It's to silly to even pull the righteous card. The only thing is I wish that they'd stop handling him with retarded kid gloves. I mean he deserves to be treated as harshly as all the other fame whores on this show, but for some reason they tiptoe around him like he's dying or something. This week Sanjaya will be singing "Bathwater" by No Doubt. Gwen pretty much says it's a tough song and good luck. Meaning this is going to suck...again.

Dude, really...you must stop with the hair. At first I though he was going for the Joakim Noah look, but it's actually a Mohawk made up of little ponytails. What really hurts about this performance was my FAVORITE No Doubt moment when seeing them live was seeing Gwen shimmy that fly booty to this song. Now that's ruined. Thanks a lot fuckstick. The sad part is that I think he knows he can just show up and suck and still hang around to suck some more next week. Thank goodness he didn't do the pleading "Why do the good girls always want the bad boys?" part. I would have puked all over my coffee table. To quote the great Kool Moe Dee, "Why in the heck won't somebody kill him?"

Still Randy and Paula are encouraging while Simon admits it really doesn't matter what they say at this point.

Hailey half naked is up and we catch her session with the Gwen in the middle of her torturing "True Colors" Gwen pretty much tells her to cut the shit. Will she listen?

Hailey's performance is notable only for two reasons. The first is that she's actually dressed this week and the second is that the performance is so boring that those "I'm trying so hard to reach you while I'm singing on the stage" gestures are prominent and extremely annoying. Anyway she did listen to Gwen and it was the safest song choice performed in the safest manner. Randy says she didn't grab him and was pitchy. Paula said she came off as an adult contemporary performance. Simon called the performance sweet but forgettable. Yay! If she sticks around next week we could see her in pasties and a thong!

Phil surprises Gwen with his singing of "Every Breath You Take" and says he sounds good when he sticks to the melody. That's the second week in a row Phil has gotten really high praise in the session. I wonder if it's just nerves or his poor wardrobe and song choices have been that distracting.


Wow, immediately it all comes together for Phil. The song about stalking, the bug eyes, and the clothes which are perfect for peeping into a window from a tree...perfectamundo. The problem I have is that the bands tempo for this song is blazing fast. It's more like the "I'll be Missing You" Biggie Smalls tribute. Immediately all I can think about is Puff Daddy dancing around in a white suit. I hate you MTV. Phil's voice is on and he nails the song.

Randy thought it was solid and he kinda liked it. Paula thought the chorus (bridge?) sounded great. Simon thought it was very good and it was the first time he felt like Phil was taking this seriously.

We quickly jump into Melinda's session with Gwen and she's just blown away by her take on Donna Summer's "Heaven Knows" and says she doesn't need any luck tonight.

Okay, I actually have this song on my iPod and I'm really happy she'll be singing this tonight. The original version has a parroting male singer through the verses, but they left that out here. I think it could have been interesting if they left it in, but it works fine without. Now one of the things I like the most about Donna Summer in this song is the desperation in her voice. Melinda's take is just the opposite and the song becomes very assertive. As it should, since it's being sung by an OCD ass-kicking machine. She just rocks it and that's all there is to say.

Randy repeats his praise from last week that she's pretty much a pro in the manner she lives the words. Paula loves the way she tells stories. Simon says vocally she was outstanding but he hated the outfit.

Now we have Blake and naturally, he's the toolbox who'll be singing "Lovesong" by the Cure. Gwen says he should leave the beatbox at home, but she doesn't seem too impressed.

Hmm, it's a ripoff of 311's cover of "Lovesong". I wonder if the judges will miss it like they did with Daughtry's Live "Walk the Line" cover? Well, since Randy and Paula hadn't even heard of 311, I bet it will be one of them that gives him praise for "originality". He plays it safe by not beatboxing, no robot either. He's just pretty much Blandy Blanderson sucking out all the emotion of the song.

Randy didn't think it was the perfect song for him but he liked it. Paula thought it was the coolest take on the song (loser!) and thinks he makes this show contemporary. Simon says he's the strongest guy in the competition. he also compares him to Daughtry and warns him against becoming indulgent, because it's getting boring. Word.

Next we have the fast rising Jordin Sparks who shocks Gwen by picking "Hey, Baby". She shocks Gwen even more by showing her the song is more musical than she thought and that all she needs to add is some booty shake.

Jordin reminds me of last year's Paris Bennett, in that she's really talented, but really wants to perform her age and just have fun. This song isn't a disaster like I thought it would be. It doesn't help that she is wearing a jacket stolen from a picnic table. The booty shaking doesn't deliver, either. It was probably one of those situations where in your head your busting off all these moves but physically you aren't moving all that much...I mean I've heard that happens to people.

Randy thought it was risky, but thought it was brilliant. Paula said she's young and adorable. Simon says she's the most improved but thought it was a bit copycat-ish. \

Finally, in the "Let's put the screws to Dancing with the Stars" spot, is Chris Richardson. He's gonna be singing "Don't Speak". Gwen is keenly aware of his "vocal Olympics" thing that annoys everyone. Once again Gwen says to cut the shit and if he focuses on the melody he'll do well.

There's an R and B feel to the arrangement. It doesn't matter because all I can think of is Gwen walking around barefoot in that sun dress and her little black anklet... Sigh. Oh the songs over. I guess it was okay.

Randy liked the r and B flavor and said he should feel free to embrace his R and B side. Paula said is was good, but in a skeevy way. Simon thought it was a good choice, but that he struggled with his vocals in the middle. Ryan tries to stir up some Grease like smack talk by asking him if Blake being announced the front runner fired him up a little. Chris pretty much backs off which is a good move on a show like this.

My favorites this week were Gina, Melinda, and Jordin

Prediction for elimination: Hailey, with Chris Richardson being saved only because of his spot on the lineup.


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Eddie Griffin wrecks a $1.5 Mil car

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Oh man, TC and M Mt. Rushmore nominee for the role of male madame, T.J. in "Deuce Bigalow and the title role in "Undercover Brother" totally wrecks the shit out of this Ferrari.


How'd he get the money for that car in the first place?


Manwhorin'!


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Stumbling Across the Awesome! - The Best of Soul Train

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"...and then Soul Train comes on and then you know it's all over."
-Margaret Cho

I was flipping through channels at halftime of the Ohio State-Memphis State game over the weekend when I caught a glimpse of Soul Train. I had no idea the show was still on so I let it linger. As I listened, I realized it wasn't the latest piece of R and B crap they were grooving too, but it was Jodi Whatley's "Don't You Want Me". Then it hit me. This isn't just Soul Train...it's Soul Train from 20 years ago!




People all over the world...the SOUL TRAIN! Yes, I did actually do the Soul Train call. If you didn't at least think it when you saw the graphic, get out! You're not allowed to read Tortilla Chips and Milk anymore. I mean it LEAVE! Don't click the read more linky!

No come back! I'm sorry. I didn't mean it reader, you know it's just sometimes I get frustated and scared when people don't understand what Don Cornelius means to me...


Okay, I'm placing this show some time around 1987, which was smack dab in the middle of the deadspot in pop culture between the death of breakdancing and right before rap went mainstream. So yeah, fashionwise, everything was kind of a mess. Plus, I'm pretty sure that this was taped in LA and styles back then were more regionalized than they are now. Therefore, the style equation for this blog is Los Angeles + 1987= Pretty fucked up. The only thing you could count on was the hair. Yep, 1987 was THE Jheri Curls heydey!



I'd hate to be next to this guy and get splattered with activator.


I love the look on the girl. "Holy Shit! It's Ricardo Tubbs...from three years ago"


The distinctive hair also carried over to the women...ALL women back then rocked the Aqua Net Big Ass Hair!


It was the late 80's it was all about, big, shiny, and loud...


Who can forget that awesome "Evil Pappa Smurf Craze" that swept the nation? EPS was the BOMB, yo! Ah, fake good times.


Okay. Admittedly, even back then, Soul Train was kind of a joke. I don't remember ever looking to Soul Train for inspiration for style tips. I mean I had Bon Jovi for that. The only reason I ever watched Soul Train was for the music. Back then it was one of the few places rappers would make live appeariances. I loved every lipsynched moment. This week they have one of my favorites: WHODINI!


I can remember back in the day when I was kickin it, sippin on my 40oz. of fermented Capri Sun, before me and my homeboys would go out and get hassled by the Pinkertons, we'd chill and watch Fat Boys and Whodini videos on "Nick Rocks" on Nickelodeon. Word, yo! We wuz hardcore back then. 'Cause that's how the suburban lower case "g" rolls, sucka! I probably knew only ten rappers back then and Whodini was known as "Fool! I already told you they don't sing Roxanne, Roxanne"

Whodini had the classics "Friends", "I'ma Ho" and "The Freaks Come Out at Night". Unfortunately, they didn't perform any of those songs. So ef that here's "Freaks Come Out at Night" where you can catch a young RUN DMC and see an MC rock it hard even a leather jacket, no shirt, and white shorts.



Sadly, The Best of Soul Train is abridged into only a half hour show, so there was no Soul Train Scramble Board. Still the show ended with the one and only Soul Train Dance Line! There should always be a Soul Train Dance Line at any club. Always. Seriously yo! I shit you not my readers, this week's edition of the dance line was set to "So Emotional" by Whitney Houston. So plug that into your head and enjoy!



If you think that that the little sluts of today dress like ho's, keep in mind this is 20 years ago! Still, I miss those hats. Yes, I'm thinking of you right now Debbie Gibson.


Dang, just when I thought the biker shorts days were the greatest thing ever. Sigh


Dance battle! They weren't just for bubble gum acts...


She's got a rockin' neck for a chick!


What pair of kicks should I buy? Nike or Asics? Nike has Michael Jordan, but Asics has these guys...


Mammas don't let your babies grow up to be gay, black, cowboys


Seriously, I got nothing more to say about this one...


The dance line was also a prayer line. "Please free me from the curse of giant moths!"


That's it for now. Until the next time I'm watching non-sports TV on a Saturday afternoon, PEACE, LOVE and SOUL!!!!























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Sunday, March 25, 2007

Survivor: I've Strength Now To Carry the Flag

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After a week off for some minor thing called NCAA basketball, Survivor returns with one of those episodes that makes me love the game.

Because after a few episodes, you get in a groove. I knew who I liked, (Yau-Man, Michelle) who I tolerated, (Rocky, Boo) who I disliked (Lisi, Anthony) and who I wanted to see painfully killed (Dreamz). Then the show shook up my perceptions, and I've got a whole new group of snap judgments. Woot for snap judgments!

Waking up for another craptastic day at Ravu, Yau-Man finds the silver lining in the clouds at Camp Suck -- he's survived another Tribal.

Anthony's got something to be excited about too -- he successfully got Tree Mail without having to listen to Rocky bitch about how he did it. The messages says something about brainteasers and food, and the Ravu crew psych themselves up -- maybe *this* time they'll win something!



At the challenge field, Probst asks each team to pick a representative. Moto picks Edgardo, Ravu picks Earl. Then Probst utters a wonderous phrase: Drop your buffs.

It's a tribal shakeup. Earl and Edgardo will pick first, then the Survivors will alternate. You can't pick someone who was on your original team.

It's easy to see the division here -- one team is Earl, Cassandra, Boo, Stacy, Yau-Man and Michelle. The other? Rocky, Dreamz (and Rocky picked Dreamz, which was a shocker), Edgardo, Alex, Anthony and Mookie.



Who's left behind? Lisi. I clap my hands with glee.

I don't like Lisi. She's slow and she's stupid, and she's insufferably smug -- a terrible combination.

I think the "Tighty Whities" song on her Myspace page could be considered a war crime by the Geneva Convention. She was *horrible* to Liliana, and I still can't believe that she actually uttered the phrase "diabolical Mexican mind" on national television.

I am, however, amused by the fact that Lisi may actually be Jack Black in drag, something helpfully pointed out by Jonathan on the "Survivors Strike Back" blog.

Do you understand that I *don't* like Lisi?

But what happens next is just ... wow. Beyond belief. So Lisi stands alone, with this dumbass smile on her face. When Jeff says she's still in the game, (she'll go to whichever tribe votes someone off tonight) she laughs, and actually goes on a tirade about how she wants to go home now!

C'mon -- you're playing for a million bucks, wench! Play! What is up with "If I can't have my couch and my cushy alliance I'm going home!" You suck!!!!!

Jeff thinks she sucks too, and just rips into her, snarking that she's on her way to Exile Island where she's gonna get clues to the Hidden Immunity Idol, which she can give to someone else, because obviously she doesn't give a fuck.

Whiner -- she's been on an all-expenses paid vacation to Fiji for 17 days, hanging out in Camp Hilton and stuffing her face. One change, and she wants a seat on the boat to Loser Lodge.

I hate her so much I can't even pick a body part for the sea snakes on EI to bite her on.



Edgardo picks a buff out of a bag to determine where the tribes will live. He gets green -- Ravu. The New Little Rascals are on their way to Camp Sucky.

I'm so happy -- Not only all all my favorite players on one tribe -- Cassandra, Yau-Man, Michelle and Earl -- Dreamz is going to suffer! Woo hoo!!

At EI, Lisi continues to suck. She babbles on about how "You either take me or you put me on Exile Island!" Then she half-heartedly reads the clues that tell her *exactly* where the HII is, and dismisses them with a lame "whut-evaaaar."

Earl races to greet the bed and the couch at Moto, leaving Stacy to snap at him not to get the sheets dirty. Eh, I'll cut her some slack -- this time.

And hey -- there's cheese, crackers, bread, fruit and champaigne waiting for them! Nice to see the room service is good. "Life at team Moto is better than ridiculous--it's ri-donk-culous," laughs a content Earl.

Earl makes his plans. He's going to check out the camp, and start looking for the HII. Probst said the clues are still good -- that means there's one at each camp. I hope he remembers he said he'd help Yau-Man.



Bah. Ravu got the cheese platter too -- and some fishing hooks and line. I guess I'm happy that the lame "have vs. have-nots" plot is being left behind, but I wish they'd have done it earlier. Now it just seems lame to cut Ravu a break.

The guys open the first meeting of the "He-Men-Women-Haters-Club," but grunting and farting and chanting "Ravu Men!" Then they talk about how much they hate girls. I imagine that seventh-grade boys locker rooms sound just like this.

Alex quotes Alexander Dumas, then tries to cover up his Ivy Leagueness by claiming he remember the quote from the movie. Sucker. You're not getting laid for a year, at least.

Rocky gloats about Ravu's all-male powerhouse team. Sure, he likes girls -- he likes to touch 'em and make out with 'em and stuff -- but talk to one? Treat her as an equal? Fahggetaboutit!

Rocky -- the only women touching you are going to be charging double their normal rates -- even hookers have standards.

But poor Anthony is worried. He's a nerd on a team of buff guys and delusional guys who think they're buff. This is not a happy place. He launches into a long confessional about the first time you had to take your shirt off in the locker room in high school, and suddenly, I know too much about Anthony.

Let us wait for a moment -- the awkwardness will pass.

Ahh, there it goes.



Boo laments that the tribal shakeup has upset his plans to win a million bucks, and he's going to have to change his strategy. As far as I can tell, Boo's "strategy" is get through the day with all body parts intact. He doesn't strike me as a big thinker.

Earl and Yau-Man go fishing, and Cassandra visits them with fresh-brewed coffee. This is a good move -- subtle, but an invitation for a possible alliance. Cassandra's moved from "one vote from gone" to "possible swing vote." Very nice.

"A word or two here and there, you paint the picture the right way she could be right on my side," states a confident Earl about Cassandra. "I have Yau-Man. I have Michelle. They're all about the team. All you need's that one vote. And then who has the power then? That would be me."

CBS tries to give Earl the "evil" edit, complete with omninous music. But it doesn't work anymore than the "godfather" bit worked for Yul last season. There's a difference between "evil" and "smart."

Left alone to tend the campfire, Anthony bemoans his fate. Umm -- you don't look tied to that rock. You are not the black male Cinderella. If you want to be on the beach, be on the beach! Take some initative! Sigh -- you seem to be funny and smart and I think you'd be fun to have as a friend. But this is not your game.

Alex approaches Mookie about an alliance with him, Edgardo and Dreamz. Wait a tick -- how did Dreamz get into this? Doesn't matter, because Mookie falls into line like a good little soldier.

I'm also impressed -- they're looking for crabs, they're fishing -- is this Ravu? I thought on Ravu you just lay around and complain all day. Mookie and Dreamz catch five big fish, and all of a sudden, Camp Crappy is a step above sucktastic.



Immunity challenge time!

Each tribe will be belted into a large six point sliding hub resembling a star. By shifting, sliding and adjusting each other they will maneuver through a course of bamboo poles. Along the way the tribes will pass through five gates. Making things more difficult, the tribe paths intersect at four points in the course.

Sounds like a crazy pole dance to me.

Michelle gets squashed at the first intersection, and big, tough Ravu shoves Moto back. At the next crash, Michelle climbs *over* Ravu's poles like a nimble little monkey. Then Dreamz gets caught in the middle.

This is a tough, physical fight -- these people will be feeling the bruises for days. And I can't figure out if they're fighting so hard for Immunity, or to *not* get stuck with Lisi?

They're neck-and-neck all the way to the end, but brute strength isn't enough -- Moto wins! Hey -- did anyone else notice that Earl wasn't strapped onto his pole?



Miracle of miracles, Anthony has decided to try and save himself! He approaches Alex with the sound tactic of "Dude, Rocky is nuts," But Alex is noncommittal. Anthony points out to Dreamz that Rocky is lazy and useless, and while Dreamz agrees, that doesn't mean he's gonna vote him out. Edgardo agrees that Rocky's got a few screws loose, but ...

C'mon people -- this should not be a hard boot! Rocky is batshit crazy ... Anthony would be a grateful follower who would vote however you wanted him to. I know who I'd get rid of.



I'd like to point out that this picture is the only point during Tribal that Rocky has his damn mouth shut.

Because he just goes off on Anthony like an unholy union of Boston Rob and Judd from Guatalmala. His "tough love" approach alternates between screaming "he's a giiiiirrrrllll, bro!" and berating Anthony for not standing up for himself. When Anthony tries to stand up for himself, Rocky yells at him to shut the fuck up.

It is painful, and it goes on *forever.* The rest of his tribe is rolling their eyes -- they know what a loser Rocky is. Why won't they get rid of him?

If you have to rant on this much about "what a man is," you're not a man -- you're a snot-nosed, pathetic little punk. I'm going to defer to Jonathan from the SSB blog again, because he sums it up perfectly.

"Guys and Dolls, where I come from, he who smelt it, dealt it. And any guy who
has to go on and on about how much of a man he is; ISN’T. It’s like he’s
mouthing words he heard somewhere (his father’s knee? A bar?) about ‘how to be a
man’. And what a man ‘is.’ A loud-mouthed, finger-pointing little bitch? I don’t
think so. And everyone knows what I’m talking about. Like a guy who tells you
how great in the sack he is? Isn’t. A guy who tells you how great his social
skills are? Lacks’em. And the guy who keeps saying ‘no offense’, offends
constantly."

I start to hate Rocky more and more and more as he talks and talks and talks. And talks. And talks. And talks. And talks. I would have given anything to see Anthony wack him in the back of the head with his torch.

I dispise him. I loathe him. I hate him more than I hate Lisi. I think Dreamz is an OK guy compared to Rocky. I hate him so much, I've had to invite guest reviewer Chevy Chase in to explain what I think of him.



I'm sorry you're gone, Anthony. You're better off not being in this tribe of losers.



Next week: Lisi and Rocky, sitting in a tree ...


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Thursday, March 22, 2007

Lost: Par Avion

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This episode sat on my DV-R for almost a week, mocking me with its unwatchedness. Mock me no more, foul Lost!

Flashback opening!

Claire wakes up in a smashed car, all gothed-up with long, stringy black hair and too much eyeliner. She crawls out the smashed windshield to find her mom, who's sprawled on the pavement and looking very unhealthy.

And with this, Lost adds another mystery to its long string of unanswered questions. How in pie did blondy-blonde Claire get all that dye out of her hair?

Blonde Claire wakes up to a festive fruit tray and her stalker. Soon-to-be dead Charlie invites her to an breakfast picnic on the beach, and Claire asks him why he's turned his frown upside down.

Charlie says he's decided to seize the day, and there's no one he'd rather seize but her. (Bah dum-dum!)



In the jungle, Sayid consults the map he nicked from The Flame. Locke complains that the map's probably not that accurate, and Sayid replies that it's better than following directions carved on a magic stick.

Locke gets pissy -- you do not mock the magic stick! Sayid gets pissy back because Locke blew up The Flame. Locke says that if Sayid had warned him the basement was chock full of plastic explosives, maybe he wouldn't have pushed the button and made the station go boom.

C'mon Locke -- we know you would have done it anyway! You've got a compulsion to push strange buttons. And to blow shit up. It's who you are.

Kate asks pouty Patchy for directions, which seems pretty stupid. Locke wants to know why they haven't killed Patchy yet, and Sayid asks if that means they should shoot him like a dog.

Nope, Locke says -- he likes dogs. Dang, that's cold.

Rousseau jumps on the Kill Patchy train, but Kate snaps that no one is killing anybody, and since she's the Queen of the Universe, that appears to end the argument.

Charlie leads Claire to her festive beach picnic. As he's expounding on the glories of melon bowls, Desmond appears and asks Charlie to go boar hunting with him. Charlie's all "DUDE! Cock block much?" while Desmond tries to drop him clues that he'll be less soon-to-be-dead if he stops munching fruit with his girl and goes looking for large, dangerous, angry animals with a heavily armed recovering alcoholic.

Claire's misses most of this bizarre conversation, because she's watching a flock of birds fly overhead. She gets all excited and says she knows how to get them off the Island.

Claire runs to tell Sun and Jin her super-cool idea. She needs nets, buckets and fish guts. She wants to catch the birds. Interestingly, Sun has apparently been off the show so long she's forgotten she had an accent, and is speaking the Queen's English.

Sawyer's nearby, reading a book, (Ayn Rand's "The Fountainhead," poor guy) and he snarks about how much fun they're going to have with fish guts. He starts to call her "Barbie," stops, looks pissed, and goes back to his book. I miss Sawyer's nicknames already.

Claire explains that the birds are migratory, and they're tagged. So when they get to Australia or New Zealand or where ever, some scientist will catch them. They can tie notes to the birdies and get saved. This is actually a less stupid idea than some of the other things that have happened on this show. (following the magic stick, for example)

Charlie is skeptical, and quizzes Claire on her bird facts. She says she watched a lot of nature shows with her mom. Hey -- you can learn a lot from the Discovery Channel! Suddenly emo Charlie says she shouldn't waste her time. Claire reminds him he's all "seize the day," and he basically tells her to "seize this" and walks off with Desmond.

Flashback!

Claire is getting stitched up in the emergency room, and a cop enters and starts asking her questions about the accident. She says she was driving, and that a truck came out of nowhere and forced the car off the road.

The cop's asking her how fast she was going when she hit the truck, and she snaps that the truck hit her. He wants to know if anyone has notified her father, and Claire says her father died when she was two.

Claire gets cranky with the cop, who has happily pointed out that the truck driver was okey-dokey. Cop says that this is standard procedure when there's a fatality.

Claire freaks and says her mother's not dead -- she's in surgery. Cop's all "yeah, whatever. Good as dead." Claire screams that the crash wasn't her fault and cop says he never said it was.

Queen of the Universe asks Rousseau why she's not super excited to see her daughter again. Rousseau responds by asking Kate about Jack -- what would happen if Kate didn't see him for sixteen years, and knew he wouldn't remember her or that she had ever cared about him. Rousseau says she hasn't asked Kate about Alex because she doesn't want to know the answers.

Kate offers Patchy some water, and asks how he got to the Island. He starts to recite his "I was a poor white sharecropper" bit, and Rousseau interrupts and says not to believe anything he says.

Kate wants to know *how* he got the Island, not when. Patchy says he came on a submarine. (We all live in a yellow submarine!) Kate asks if the sub makes regular trips to Maui, and Patchy says that they can't leave anymore, because after the purple sky, the underwater beacon stopped working. If they leave, they won't find their way back.

Kate wants to know why the Others would even *want* to come back, and Patchy says she wouldn't understand -- it's an Others thang. Kate presses him, and he says she can't understand, because she's not on the list. Kate tells him to stop stealing moves from other shows -- "the list" is a plotline from Heroes.

Patchy says the man who brought the Others to the Island is super cool. Kate interrupts and asks if Ben is so super-duper, how come he needed Jack to fix his spine? Patchy's confused -- Ben is not ... the guy? Super duper?

Patchy says Kate isn't on the list because she's flawed. She's angry and weak and frightened.

Sayid's all "don't talk to me like you know me, son!" and Patchy does the Others' patented "spout random facts about people" bit. When he gets to Locke, though, he says he knew a guy named John Locke, but that guy was ...

In an *extremely* convenient interruption, Rousseau calls Kate over to check out what she's found -- big black posts in a line. Umm, cool?

Patchy and Locke give one another significant looks. Get a room.



Jin, who hasn't learned enough English to tell stupid white people to buzz off, builds a bird trap for Claire.

Claire helps Sun cut up fish guts, and Sun says that this was her mom's worst fear -- Sun would marry the son of a fisherman and end up elbow-deep in chum.

Claire says things don't turn out how their mothers wanted. Sun snarks about how her mom never worked, and Claire says her mom was a librarian. Sun catches on the "was," but Claire cuts her off and carries the chum away.

Flashback!

Goth Claire, who is strangely cute, walks into her mom's hospital room dressed all in black. Mom's not looking too good. A woman bitches at her about where was she, and Claire says she went home to change and grab a shower -- she had glass in her hair from the crash. Oh, and bitch much?

A doctor comes in and tells Claire and Aunty Bitch that mom is stable, but that she's on life support and there is severe head trauma and brain swelling.

Claire wants to know when mom's going to wake up, and Doc says she probably won't. Claire asks if mom can hear them, and Doc says he'd like to think she can.

Aunty McBitchy Bitch wants to know how much Mom's care is gonna cost her. The doctor says not to worry -- the bill's been paid, bitch. Aunty wants to know who's paying, but doc says he's been asked to keep that confidential. By the way -- you're a bitch.



A bird lands in Jin's trap. Right before they pull the rope to catch the birdie, gun-totin' Desmond appears, pops off a couple of shots and scares the birdies away.

Claire's hecka pissed, and Desmond lamely lies that he was chasing a boar. An imaginary boar. Claire wants to know where Charlie is, and Des says he's back at camp, not dying.

Claire wants to know why Desmond and Charlie don't want her to catch the birds, and Des acts dumb.

Rose and Bernard appear from stage left and remind the audience that they went through *the same damn plotline* last season! Oh, and they're hecka pissed too -- what's up with replacing them with boring, pretty white people? (Paulo and Nikki, I'm looking at you. Losers. Get off my show.)



Sayid, Kate, Rousseau, Locke and Patchy contemplate the big black pylons. Kate starts to walk towards them, but Sayid pulls her back like he's a mom at the museum, smacks her hand and tells her "no touch!"

Sayid asks Patchy what they are, but he ain't telling. Sayid says the pylons are a security perimeter -- an alarm system or a trap. Cross the pylons and bad things happen. He thinks they should find a way around.

Patchy laughs and says it was a security perimeter, but it hasn't worked for years. Sayid doesn't buy it, and Patchy tells him to go ahead and waste his time, but there's no going around -- the pylons surround the Others' subdivision.

Sayid checks his map, and says Patchy's right. Locke takes his pack off, and very deliberately grabs Patchy and throws him into the pylons! OMGWTFBBQ?

BBQ is right, as Patchy is stuck in place. He smiles, says "thank you," and gets fried in a "Scanners" like fashion. He has a seizure, foams at the mouth, blood spurts out his orifices, and then he dies. I'm sorry ABC didn't have any pictures so I can show you just how gross it was.

Kate freaks, and Locke is all "my bad" with an evil grin. Do not offend Locke, keeper of the magic stick!

Sayid thinks Patchy had a cerebral hemorrhage. Kate's still bitching -- she wanted to trade Patchy for Super Jack, which, considering Patchy was willing to shoot one of his own people, wasn't gonna happen. She wants group votes before they kill people, and Locke smugly says no one asked him when they decided to bring Patchy along in the first place.

Locke's all "pardon me for not knowing they had a sonic death fence!" OK, he's not a bit sorry that he killed Patchy, and he's amusing the heck outta me. Sayid asks him why he came -- he doesn't want to rescue Super Jack. Locke lies and says of course he wants to rescue Jack. Sayid says they'll talk about this later, as soon as he has his magic torture bag.

Queen of the Universe says they're not going through the sonic death fence, they're going over it. She asks where the ax is, and Sayid says it's in Locke's bag. Locke dives to keep his bag closed, but Sayid snatches it quick like a bunny, opens it up and finds ... a big block of C-4!

Sayid snarks that he thought Locke didn't know about the explosives. Locke shrugs and says you never know when some explosives will come in handy. I am so digging Evil Locke -- push Kate into the sonic death fence next!



Charlie's putting Aaron to sleep when Claire comes up and asks him what his damage is. He says he doesn't know what she's talking about, and that he's been at the camp all day -- ask the baby!

Claire asks him again what happened to "seize the day." We get it already -- there was no seizing! Shut up about it! Charlie says he didn't want to go catch birds because he didn't want to promote false hope.

Claire bitches that she's sorry her stupid idea offended him, oh, and you're a lying liar, and I don't want my baby around liars. Recovering heroin addicts are OK, but lying recovering heroin addicts? Right out.

Charlie suggests she might be overreacting a wee bit, but she screams that she thought she could count on him, and damn him for watching her kid while she went off to chase birds! Dang Claire -- do you have screaming matches around you kid often? He's gonna need therapy, and the psychologist got shot last season.

Flashback!

At the hospital, a nurse tells Claire she likes the new American doctor. Claire's confused, goes into her mom's room, and who's there? Jack's daddy!

They start to talk, but Aunty Bitchy arrives and starts screaming that Christian shouldn't be there, and if Claire's mom knew he was there she'd ... lie there, because she's brain damaged. Aunty Bitchy tells him to get out -- now.

Claire wants to know who Jack's Daddy is, and if he's paying the bills. And in the least-surprising surprise this season, Jack's Daddy says he's Claire's Daddy too.

Sayid, Rousseau, and Kate watch Locke chop down a tree. I guess that's his punishment for frying Patchy. They make an "X" out of branches and prop the tree up on one of the pylons.

Rousseau suggests using the C-4 to blow up a pylon, and Locke snarkily suggests she walk up and stick it to one of them.

Sayid needlessly reminds people not to touch the sensors when they climb over. Kate's first -- she shimmys up the tree and over. Unfortunately, she lives.

Locke climbs over next while Kate checks out dead Patchy.



Claire complains to Sun about Desmond spoiling her bird hunt. Sun points out that whatever is going on, Charlie and Des are still talking about it, and points down the beach, where the two crazy Brits are arguing. Claire says she's going to get some answers, and takes off.

Flashback!

Goth Claire works in a tattoo shop, piercing some chick's ear. Ooh, Claire can do tats? I hope that doesn't mean Jack's got to have rough sex with her and then insist she ink him.

Jack's Daddy shows up and says he's leaving the country, and that he wants to talk to Claire before he goes.

Claire's emo 'cause Jack's Daddy didn't love her. Christian lays it on the line -- he had a fling with her mom and was back in L.A. when she told him she was preggers. He visited when Claire was a wee one, but Aunt Bitchy hated him and Claire's mom didn't like that he had a family in the states, so he made himself scarce.

Christian says a doctor friend told him about the accident. He says he's checked Mom out, and she's not getting better. It's illegal to turn off the life support, but that's never stopped a brilliant alcoholic surgeon like him.

Claire gets all sorts of pissy and tells him to buzz off. As she gets ready to leave, she says that he may be her daddy, but that she doesn't know his name and doesn't want to.

Pie and a half! Now how are Jack and Claire gonna find out they're family? Is Obi-Wan gonna come tell them?

Christian tells Claire not to keep her mother alive for the wrong reasons. There's hope and there's guilt, and he knows the difference.



Claire follows Desmond to the rocks by the shore, where he's stalking a completely tame seabird that's sitting on patch of neon-green Easter grass. He snags the birdie, which is no trick at all when the darn thing's standing completely still!

Claire wants to know how he knew the tame birdie would be here. Uh, neon green Easter grass? Des tries to play dumb, but she presses him to fess up. Finally, he points to a outcropping of rock and tells her that's where Charlie died, trying to catch a bird for Claire.

Very dramatic and all, but if Desmond hadn't messed up the original bird hunt, would Charlie have been hunting birds there at all? Precognition's too much damn trouble.

Claire shows Charlie her completely tame bird, and says that Desmond told her everything. Hey Charlie -- you are so in! Chicks dig guys facing certain doom!

Flashback!

Blondie pregnant Claire goes to see her mother, who's still out of it. She fusses about and turns on the telly, which is showing a nature show about birds.

Claire tells her mother she's pregnant, and that she's going to give the baby up for adoption. "It's for the best. I don't know how you did it, raising me alone. And I was just awful. So hard on you."

Claire leans down. "I'm so sorry, Mum. So sorry for all the awful things I said to you in the car, that I hated you and wished you weren't my mother, and I wished you were dead. It's all my fault. The accident and everything. I'm so sorry, Mum."

A Lost sappy montage starts. Claire and Charlie stand on the beach with the birdie and read the letter she wrote.

I'd like to point out a few things: She wrote friggin' War and Peace. She *did* not write anything useful that could possibly lead someone back to the Island. And that paper doesn't look very water-resistant.

OK -- it was a stupid idea.

Charlie reads the letter, as a series of images flashes by -- Sawyer reads. He stops to look out over the ocean. Desmond sits in his tent. Sun and Jin play with Aaron.

The letter? "We're the survivors of Flight 815. We've been on this Island for 80 days. We're waiting for rescue, but we might not get rescued. That's OK, because we've got babies. And melon bowls. Don't give up on us."

Claire tells Charlie that she's not giving up on him, and that they'll get through his certain doom together. Then they tie the essay to the bird and it flies away.

Across the Island, Kate watches the birdies fly overhead. They're approaching the Others' subdivision.

Kate sees Jack running towards them. She starts to run towards him, but Sayid stops her. Hey -- he isn't fleeing for his life -- he's playing football with Zeke!

Jack catches the football and spikes it, smiling the smile of the brainwashed. Kate looks on in horror. Stupid jocks.


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