Survivor: Let's Just Call Jeff on the Phone

So what have we learned from Survivor so far this season? People who are given every material advantage perform better in mental and physical tasks than people who are severely mentally and physically deprived.

Thanks Mark Burnett -- I would have never figured *that* one out on my own. Next season, are you going to take up the burning question of what's heavier: a bowling ball or a feather?




Returning from yet another sucktastic Tribal, Ravu decides to try to talk their problems out. Yeah, this isn't going to go well.

Rocky just goes off, blaming Anthony for everything from losing challenges to Iran's nuclear crisis, in an incomphrensible rant that mainly consists of "Sexist, racist, sexist, homophobic. Meaning no disrespect." "Sexist, sexist, racist -- I don't want to offend you." He talks a lot about "brawds."

Congratulations Rocky -- you get this week's first STFU award!

Anthony gets an honorable mention for his passive-aggressive apologies while looking up through his eyelashes like a sorority girl trying to get extra credit on a chem exam.

Anthony talks about how people picked on him when he was a kid. OK, that's legitimate, but I'll bet ninety percent of people in the U.S. have got that scar on their psyche. He says he's not giving up, and if Ravu wants him out, they're going to have to push him off the island.

Anthony, Anthony, I'm trying to like you, but quit crying! I've seen you cry three times in two episodes. New rule: You get one crying jag per episode. That's it.

Earl knows Anthony's on the bubble, but he doesn't know what he's going to do to save him -- he wants to do something. Maybe he'll do nothing -- he doesn't know. Survivor is so confusing!



It's another beautiful day at Camp Tea Party, and Lisi and Stacy are soaking up the Fiji sun and enjoying a swim. Oh, and they're gloating. There is lots of gloating.

Apparently, Lisi, Stacy, Alex, Eguardo and Boo have formed an alliance. Now, this isn't the perfect alliance, because Lisi is useless in challenges and Boo's likely to cut off his foot soon, but they're happy with it.

Gary's doing what he's been doing for a few days now, holding his head and talking about how the room keeps spinning and how he can't breathe. Papa Smurf is in some sad shape.



Cassandra, who seems to be a nice enough person, is very worried about Gary's health. Lisi's pissed that he's not improving on her schedule, and she says she's sick of babysitting him. Apparently, babysitting means handing him a coconut. How awful for Lisi that she's so put out.

Because it's Lisi's tribe and Lisi's rules, she's made a decision -- either Gary gets better, or he gets out. Wench -- I'm starting to actively dislike you.

Reward challenge time! Hey -- it's the old balance beam challenge. Gee, I'll be people who have slept on feather beds and fed like kings will have better balance than people about to collapse from dehydration!

The tribes will line up side-by-side on balance beams. Moving one tribe member at a time, the Survivors will make their way across the beam, stepping around their tribemates. If they fall off or if they're knocked off, those members will start over. Once a tribemate is across the beam and on the final platform, the next member can go. The first tribe to get all tribe members across their beam wins reward.

The reward? Pillows, blankets, fish, spices and rice. (Tasteless edit of the night -- a cut shot of Yau-Man and Mookie when Probst mentions the rice.) Oh yeah -- and a king-sized bed with all the trimmings back at the winners' camp.

These reward challenges are out of hand. What's next? Cars to drive to the challenges? A butler? I thought this was Survivor, not Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous.



Michelle makes her way across the beam easily for Ravu. Yau-Man follows -- and gets bonus points for getting his head into the chest of every female on the team.

Lisi's sucking hard for Moto -- four or five attempts, and she's still not across. Moto switches to the "squat and climb" strategy, and she gets to the platform. Alex and Edgardo follow.

Ravu tries the same thing, but Mookie's touching two people at a time, and gets yelled at by Jeff. Then Anthony won't squat or move, and gets yelled at by Mookie and Rocky. They bicker while Moto wins again. They get a bunch of stuff they didn't need, and send Yau-Man to Exile Island.



Back at Camp Crappy, Rocky loses it, throwing shit against the walls of the cave and having a complete hissy fit. "Why don't we just go to Tribal Council right now and vote somebody off, because that's all we do every week. So why don't we just call Jeff up right now, on the Jeff phone."

WTF? Jeff phone? And while it really, really, really sucks to be Ravu, temper tantrums just make you look like an asshat. STFU. Anthony wisely keeps his mouth shut and lets Rocky look like a dick.



Hey Rocky, I know you're hungry and cranky and all, but do you and Mookie do *anything* but lie on palm fronds and bitch? Saving your strength for challenges doesn't mean much when you haven't won one yet.

Oh, and I don't know about Rocky's claim that homeless people are in better shape than he is. Maybe we should ask Dreamz.

On EI, Yau-Man is stunned when he reads the clues to find the Hidden Immunity Idol, because they've degenerated to "DIG HERE, IDJIT! NO, WE REALLY MEAN IT, DIG HERE!" He makes plans on how to get the HII when he gets back to Camp Sucky.

At the Moto Hilton, the team looks over their new king-sized bed and are very annoyed that the sheets are only 300-thread count, and that the frame isn't teak like they ordered. They put in a snippy call to their decorator.



Then there's more gloating. "Not only did we have comfort with the cushions and the blankets, but the fish that we got and the seasoning… I was like, 'Oh my gosh! I'm in heaven,'" gushes Liliana.



After gorging like little piggies, the tribe relaxes with massages. Liliana is the first to indulge in the traditional "I'm hot, and I'm gonna flirt with the guys" strategy, taking her top off and giving Edgardo a full rubdown.

Lisi is pissy. She says she's Latin (she looks Irish, but OK, whatever) so she's hip to what chicks do. "It's funny because Liliana tries to be so sneaky," Lisi grouses, but I know in her DIABOLICAL MEXICAN MIND she's trying to come up with something."

Diabolical Mexican mind?? WTF? Did she actually just say that? Lisi = teh suck.

Gary's getting worse, and no one on Moto really cares that much. Dreamz does -- but he says its because Gary's one of the only people on the tribe who will talk to him.

Oh, here comes the sexy Australian doctor again! Gary's got about a million bug bites, and his vital signs aren't great, so he opts to quit the game and leave the island with sexy doctor.



Now, in other situations where people have been pulled out by the medical team, there's been much crying and sympathy and worried confessionals. Moto's attitude is "Yeah, whatever -- hey, lets go see if the servants have finished fixing the frozen yogurt machine!" Gary gets a half-assed wave, and he doesn't even get the sad music sendoff. Moto sucks.

And they've lost more than they realize -- even hurt, Gary always performed well in the challenges. This will hurt them.

Even though his tribe didn't give a damn, I thought Papa Smurf seemed to be a good guy, so I'm glad he's OK.

Rocky sheds his clothes -- and his sanity -- and wanders around camp nekkid. Michelle is unimpressed, and Rita gives him her halter top and a set of coconut tits. Ravu has crossed over into Crazyville -- I wonder if they'll meet Britney Spears there?



At the Immunity Challenge, Ravu shows more concern for Gary than Moto ever did. Poor guy.

Probst explains this week's overly-complicated challenge: Four tribe members will begin locked in floating cages. One tribe member will start on shore and race out to unlock the first cage, releasing the first tribe member. The newly freed tribe member will run across floating lily pads to free the next member in a locked cage.

Once the fourth tribe member is freed from their locked cage, those tribe members will get on a boat where another tribe member will be waiting with a ring of keys. The teams will paddle back to shore, picking up the stranded tribemates along the way. Once back, the Survivors will form a human pyramid.

The person at the top will use a ring of keys to unlock a series of padlocks, freeing their last tribe member from the last cage. The first tribe to get all members back on their tribe mat wins Immunity.

One twist to the challenge: a sealed bottle with a message inside will be opened by the winning tribe after the challenge.



I look at those lily pads, and I realize that Ozzy would run across them like an eager little monkey. I also know that someone at CBS has been watching "Sinkers and Floaters" on MXC.

Rocky loses his key on the first leg, giving Edgardo an edge. He frees Dreamz, who stumbles over to free Alex. Rocky lets Yau-Man out, but Yau-Man has *a lot* of trouble with the lily pads, increasing Moto's lead. Alex frees Boo.

Yau-Man frees Rita, but she can't even crawl over the lily pads, and Moto gets a big lead. Boo gets Liliana out and they start heading back to the beach. Rita finally frees Mookie, who scurries over the lily pads and lets Earl out. They gain some time back.

On the beach, Stacy struggles with the locks for Moto, giving Ravu time to catch up. Wow -- Ravu must really think Anthony sucks -- they've got him in the final cage. He would have been a better paddler and lily pad climber than Yau-Man or Rita.

Stacy gets Cassandra free just in time, and Moto wins. Tough break Ravu -- that was a close one.



Twist time! Moto opens their bottle, and they have a choice -- keep immunity and surrender Camp Cushy to Ravu, or give up immunity and keep their pillows. They ponder, but the lure of the pillows is too strong, and they surrender immunity.



This would have been a tough call. On the one hand, the comfy camp gives you a *huge* advantage. On the other, you *never* surrender power on Survivor, and numbers are power. Moto has gone from being two up on Ravu to even numbers. And a merge is coming.

Back at camp, Dreamz calls a meeting and gives a long, rambling rant about snakes and going to get water, and how the tribe should decide now, in the open, who's getting voted off. And he's not going to point any fingers. Then he literally points at Lisi and Cassandra and says one of them has to go. I was laughing so hard I damn near fell off the couch.

Everyone ignores him and gives those bland smiles people give the very, very stupid.

Stacy and Lisi meet up with Alex, Edgardo and Boo. They want Liliana off -- the guys, understandably, are hesitant. Cassandra would be a better choice. Lisi says they can sit Cassandra out in challenges. Sorry wench -- no one's sitting out in challenges now, not even you -- and I notice your ass has been on Bitch Bench for at least half of the events so far.

The women continue to insist Liliana and her perky boobs and diabolical Mexican mind must go.

Alex vents that there is *no* reason whatsoever to vote off Liliana, but I don't thinks he's doing the math. Alliance of five. Three people want Liliana to stay. Two want her to leave. Why are we voting off Liliana again?

And WTF was that shot of? A snake reguritating an eel? Damn CBS -- that was gross!



I'm disappointed at Tribal. Jeff gave Yul shit for twenty minutes last season about a damn hat, but he says nothing to Moto about giving up immunity for pillows.

Dreamz bitches about how the louder he screams, the less anyone listens to him. He says he's disappointed that someone didn't stop him during his "Shaquilleowee."

Moto also complains that they've run out of Thin Mints, the ice cream machine only makes 31 flavors, the Jacuzzi needs to be cleaned, and that the masseuse keeps forgetting to do Swedish, not Shiatsu. They'd also like to have pizza delivered to Tribal.

Liliana points out *amazingly* stupid it would be to vote someone like her off now. Cassandra pipes up with how cool and strong Liliana is, and that she'll go really far in the game.

That was great! Talk about sealing the girl's coffin -- point her out as a threat!

Bye-Bye Liliana -- Moto will now have to rely on Lazy Lisi, and they're gonna miss you more than they know.



Next week: Rocky and Dreamz throw down?