Survivor: I've Strength Now To Carry the Flag

After a week off for some minor thing called NCAA basketball, Survivor returns with one of those episodes that makes me love the game.

Because after a few episodes, you get in a groove. I knew who I liked, (Yau-Man, Michelle) who I tolerated, (Rocky, Boo) who I disliked (Lisi, Anthony) and who I wanted to see painfully killed (Dreamz). Then the show shook up my perceptions, and I've got a whole new group of snap judgments. Woot for snap judgments!

Waking up for another craptastic day at Ravu, Yau-Man finds the silver lining in the clouds at Camp Suck -- he's survived another Tribal.

Anthony's got something to be excited about too -- he successfully got Tree Mail without having to listen to Rocky bitch about how he did it. The messages says something about brainteasers and food, and the Ravu crew psych themselves up -- maybe *this* time they'll win something!



At the challenge field, Probst asks each team to pick a representative. Moto picks Edgardo, Ravu picks Earl. Then Probst utters a wonderous phrase: Drop your buffs.

It's a tribal shakeup. Earl and Edgardo will pick first, then the Survivors will alternate. You can't pick someone who was on your original team.

It's easy to see the division here -- one team is Earl, Cassandra, Boo, Stacy, Yau-Man and Michelle. The other? Rocky, Dreamz (and Rocky picked Dreamz, which was a shocker), Edgardo, Alex, Anthony and Mookie.



Who's left behind? Lisi. I clap my hands with glee.

I don't like Lisi. She's slow and she's stupid, and she's insufferably smug -- a terrible combination.

I think the "Tighty Whities" song on her Myspace page could be considered a war crime by the Geneva Convention. She was *horrible* to Liliana, and I still can't believe that she actually uttered the phrase "diabolical Mexican mind" on national television.

I am, however, amused by the fact that Lisi may actually be Jack Black in drag, something helpfully pointed out by Jonathan on the "Survivors Strike Back" blog.

Do you understand that I *don't* like Lisi?

But what happens next is just ... wow. Beyond belief. So Lisi stands alone, with this dumbass smile on her face. When Jeff says she's still in the game, (she'll go to whichever tribe votes someone off tonight) she laughs, and actually goes on a tirade about how she wants to go home now!

C'mon -- you're playing for a million bucks, wench! Play! What is up with "If I can't have my couch and my cushy alliance I'm going home!" You suck!!!!!

Jeff thinks she sucks too, and just rips into her, snarking that she's on her way to Exile Island where she's gonna get clues to the Hidden Immunity Idol, which she can give to someone else, because obviously she doesn't give a fuck.

Whiner -- she's been on an all-expenses paid vacation to Fiji for 17 days, hanging out in Camp Hilton and stuffing her face. One change, and she wants a seat on the boat to Loser Lodge.

I hate her so much I can't even pick a body part for the sea snakes on EI to bite her on.



Edgardo picks a buff out of a bag to determine where the tribes will live. He gets green -- Ravu. The New Little Rascals are on their way to Camp Sucky.

I'm so happy -- Not only all all my favorite players on one tribe -- Cassandra, Yau-Man, Michelle and Earl -- Dreamz is going to suffer! Woo hoo!!

At EI, Lisi continues to suck. She babbles on about how "You either take me or you put me on Exile Island!" Then she half-heartedly reads the clues that tell her *exactly* where the HII is, and dismisses them with a lame "whut-evaaaar."

Earl races to greet the bed and the couch at Moto, leaving Stacy to snap at him not to get the sheets dirty. Eh, I'll cut her some slack -- this time.

And hey -- there's cheese, crackers, bread, fruit and champaigne waiting for them! Nice to see the room service is good. "Life at team Moto is better than ridiculous--it's ri-donk-culous," laughs a content Earl.

Earl makes his plans. He's going to check out the camp, and start looking for the HII. Probst said the clues are still good -- that means there's one at each camp. I hope he remembers he said he'd help Yau-Man.



Bah. Ravu got the cheese platter too -- and some fishing hooks and line. I guess I'm happy that the lame "have vs. have-nots" plot is being left behind, but I wish they'd have done it earlier. Now it just seems lame to cut Ravu a break.

The guys open the first meeting of the "He-Men-Women-Haters-Club," but grunting and farting and chanting "Ravu Men!" Then they talk about how much they hate girls. I imagine that seventh-grade boys locker rooms sound just like this.

Alex quotes Alexander Dumas, then tries to cover up his Ivy Leagueness by claiming he remember the quote from the movie. Sucker. You're not getting laid for a year, at least.

Rocky gloats about Ravu's all-male powerhouse team. Sure, he likes girls -- he likes to touch 'em and make out with 'em and stuff -- but talk to one? Treat her as an equal? Fahggetaboutit!

Rocky -- the only women touching you are going to be charging double their normal rates -- even hookers have standards.

But poor Anthony is worried. He's a nerd on a team of buff guys and delusional guys who think they're buff. This is not a happy place. He launches into a long confessional about the first time you had to take your shirt off in the locker room in high school, and suddenly, I know too much about Anthony.

Let us wait for a moment -- the awkwardness will pass.

Ahh, there it goes.



Boo laments that the tribal shakeup has upset his plans to win a million bucks, and he's going to have to change his strategy. As far as I can tell, Boo's "strategy" is get through the day with all body parts intact. He doesn't strike me as a big thinker.

Earl and Yau-Man go fishing, and Cassandra visits them with fresh-brewed coffee. This is a good move -- subtle, but an invitation for a possible alliance. Cassandra's moved from "one vote from gone" to "possible swing vote." Very nice.

"A word or two here and there, you paint the picture the right way she could be right on my side," states a confident Earl about Cassandra. "I have Yau-Man. I have Michelle. They're all about the team. All you need's that one vote. And then who has the power then? That would be me."

CBS tries to give Earl the "evil" edit, complete with omninous music. But it doesn't work anymore than the "godfather" bit worked for Yul last season. There's a difference between "evil" and "smart."

Left alone to tend the campfire, Anthony bemoans his fate. Umm -- you don't look tied to that rock. You are not the black male Cinderella. If you want to be on the beach, be on the beach! Take some initative! Sigh -- you seem to be funny and smart and I think you'd be fun to have as a friend. But this is not your game.

Alex approaches Mookie about an alliance with him, Edgardo and Dreamz. Wait a tick -- how did Dreamz get into this? Doesn't matter, because Mookie falls into line like a good little soldier.

I'm also impressed -- they're looking for crabs, they're fishing -- is this Ravu? I thought on Ravu you just lay around and complain all day. Mookie and Dreamz catch five big fish, and all of a sudden, Camp Crappy is a step above sucktastic.



Immunity challenge time!

Each tribe will be belted into a large six point sliding hub resembling a star. By shifting, sliding and adjusting each other they will maneuver through a course of bamboo poles. Along the way the tribes will pass through five gates. Making things more difficult, the tribe paths intersect at four points in the course.

Sounds like a crazy pole dance to me.

Michelle gets squashed at the first intersection, and big, tough Ravu shoves Moto back. At the next crash, Michelle climbs *over* Ravu's poles like a nimble little monkey. Then Dreamz gets caught in the middle.

This is a tough, physical fight -- these people will be feeling the bruises for days. And I can't figure out if they're fighting so hard for Immunity, or to *not* get stuck with Lisi?

They're neck-and-neck all the way to the end, but brute strength isn't enough -- Moto wins! Hey -- did anyone else notice that Earl wasn't strapped onto his pole?



Miracle of miracles, Anthony has decided to try and save himself! He approaches Alex with the sound tactic of "Dude, Rocky is nuts," But Alex is noncommittal. Anthony points out to Dreamz that Rocky is lazy and useless, and while Dreamz agrees, that doesn't mean he's gonna vote him out. Edgardo agrees that Rocky's got a few screws loose, but ...

C'mon people -- this should not be a hard boot! Rocky is batshit crazy ... Anthony would be a grateful follower who would vote however you wanted him to. I know who I'd get rid of.



I'd like to point out that this picture is the only point during Tribal that Rocky has his damn mouth shut.

Because he just goes off on Anthony like an unholy union of Boston Rob and Judd from Guatalmala. His "tough love" approach alternates between screaming "he's a giiiiirrrrllll, bro!" and berating Anthony for not standing up for himself. When Anthony tries to stand up for himself, Rocky yells at him to shut the fuck up.

It is painful, and it goes on *forever.* The rest of his tribe is rolling their eyes -- they know what a loser Rocky is. Why won't they get rid of him?

If you have to rant on this much about "what a man is," you're not a man -- you're a snot-nosed, pathetic little punk. I'm going to defer to Jonathan from the SSB blog again, because he sums it up perfectly.

"Guys and Dolls, where I come from, he who smelt it, dealt it. And any guy who
has to go on and on about how much of a man he is; ISN’T. It’s like he’s
mouthing words he heard somewhere (his father’s knee? A bar?) about ‘how to be a
man’. And what a man ‘is.’ A loud-mouthed, finger-pointing little bitch? I don’t
think so. And everyone knows what I’m talking about. Like a guy who tells you
how great in the sack he is? Isn’t. A guy who tells you how great his social
skills are? Lacks’em. And the guy who keeps saying ‘no offense’, offends
constantly."

I start to hate Rocky more and more and more as he talks and talks and talks. And talks. And talks. And talks. And talks. I would have given anything to see Anthony wack him in the back of the head with his torch.

I dispise him. I loathe him. I hate him more than I hate Lisi. I think Dreamz is an OK guy compared to Rocky. I hate him so much, I've had to invite guest reviewer Chevy Chase in to explain what I think of him.



I'm sorry you're gone, Anthony. You're better off not being in this tribe of losers.



Next week: Lisi and Rocky, sitting in a tree ...