Lost: The Man from Tallahassee

I've been racking my brain on how to give a Lost recap a Wrestlemania vibe.

Umm ... Let's get ready to flashback!!!!!!

Anyway, I've decided this show lives and dies with Locke. When he's whiny and annoying, the show blows. When he's being mystical/mysterious or devious, it rocks. Go Locke!

Although I'm beginning to wonder if they should change the title to "What's Locke gonna blow up this week?"

Flashback opening!

Brown-haired Locke is in a depressing government office being interviewed by a depressing government worker about his depressing life. Single, no girlfriend, raised in foster care. He's eating, though.

Government chick says she's noticed he's not submitting therapy bills for reimbursement anymore, and Locke says he quit going. She tsk-tsks, and then cancels his disability payments, saying that when he goes back to therapy, he can reapply.

Kate, Sayid and Locke hide in the jungle and watch Jack play football with Zeke and cozy up to Juliet. Rousseau has snuck away, because, well, she's Rousseau, and she's sneaky.

Jack and Juliet walk hand-in-hand to one of the houses, knock on the door, and Ben comes out in a wheelchair. Ben and Jack shake hands and chat like old buddies.

In one of the biggest understatements of the night, Locke says that rescuing Jack could be more complicated than they thought.

Complicated, hell! Kate locks and loads and gets ready for an armed invasion into Othersville. WTF? Sayid asks, and Kate makes up some B.S. line about how Jack must be drugged or brainwashed or something, but mostly she's hecka pissed that Jack is cozing up to another girl. She's the Queen of the Universe, dangit! The lame-ass romantic triangle must continue!

Sayid points out that rescuing someone who doesn't want to be rescued is kinda tricky, but Locke interrupts and says that the first time he saw Jack, he was pulling people out of a burning airplane. I'm not sure how that's relevant, but ...

Locke says that Jack must have a good reason for what he's doing, and that they should wait until dark, sneak into Othersville and find out what it is. And if Jack wants to leave, they'll help him.

Flashback!

Locke sits in his depressing apartment and eats a depressing microwave dinner in front of his depressing TV. Someone knocks, and Locke tries to shoo the young guy away by pointing to his "no solicitors" sign.

But the guy isn't selling anything. He introduces himself as Peter Talbot, and says he wants to ask Locke some questions. But Locke's not interested, until Peter says "yo, how many kidneys you got?"

Locke listens to the kid's story. Peter's rich momma has found a new beau, Adam Seward, and wants to get hitched quick. But Peter thinks his stepdad-to-be is shifty, and had him checked out. He can't find much on the guy, but he found his medical records -- and Locke gave him a kidney. Can he vouch for Seward?

Locke looks at the picture of his kidney-stealing daddy that Peter hands him, and then lies and says it was an anonymous donation. He never met the guy.

Later, Locke, Kate and Sayid spy on Jack and Juliet. The happy couple says good night and then Jack heads into a house alone.

Locke tells Kate to sneak in the side door, and that he and Sayid will stand guard. Kate asks if they want to ask Jack about that hussy too, but Locke says it's better if she goes alone.

Everybody does the sneaky bit, and Kate slips into the house. There's piano music. He's got a pie-loving piano? No wonder he doesn't want to leave Othersville! Kate sneaks through the house until she sees Jack playing piano in amid a bunch of mid-century modern furnishings that would go for a bundle on eBay.

Jack finishes his piano interlude and turns to see Kate. She says "hi" in a "I'm trying to be adorable" way, he's all "WTF are you doing here?"

Kate says she's here to rescue him from the hussy. Jack tells her to hit the road. She doesn't get the *obvious* hint and stands there like the idiot she is, until he shouts "they're watching me" and directs her eye to the equally obvious camera mounted on the wall.

The Queen of the Universe stamps her feet like a three-year-old and insists she isn't leaving. I continue to be surprised at just how stupid Kate is, and hope against hope that this time, she'll get the bullet to the gut she so richly deserves.

Two of the Others burst in, and Jack tells them not to hurt her. Awww, c'mon guys! Hurt her!

Two more Others appear with Sayid, who's not as sneaky as he thinks he is. One of the Others pushes Kate to the ground and sticks a pistol in her face, asking her who else is there. She continues to shout for Jack, like he's gonna make it all better somehow. Jack tells her to answer the f'ing question.

Ben is laying in a hospital bed in the dark. He hears a noise and calls for Alex, but when he turns on the light, he finds Locke instead. Locke is sneaky.

Ben says Locke doesn't need the gun -- he'll tell him where Jack is. Locke's all "like I care." He wants to know where the submarine is.

Ben plays dumb, but he's got a evil smile -- he's got a plan. Locke goes on about Patchy told him about the sub, right before he killed him. Locke looks really happy when he talks about frying a guy. It's creepy.

Alex calls to Ben, who tells her to stay away, but it's too late -- she walks in, and Locke nabs her.

There's a knock at the door. Locke drags Alex into the closet, and tells her to be quiet. It's Zeke -- he's there to tell Ben that they've captured Kate and Sayid.

Ben tells Zeke to split them up, and find out how they found Othersville. Zeke asks about Juliet and Jack and tomorrow morning, but Ben says he'll handle it.

Hey, it's the recruiter guy who convinced Juliet to leave Miami! He's here too! Ben tells him he wants to see the Man from Tallahassee.



Flashback!

Locke skulks about in a flower shop and watches Kidney Stealin' Daddy and his new honey pick out a bouquet. KSD sees Locke and heads his way.

Locke snarks about the wedding -- will it be a big shindig, or will KSD do it Vegas style?

KSD wants to know how Locke found out, and Locke tells him his soon-to-be stepson thinks he's shifty. Locke tells him to call the wedding off, "because it's not fair. You come into people's lives and make them feel like family." And he gets all uppity until KSD says he'll cancel the wedding.

OK -- this is dumb. KSD is a con man. He stole Locke's kidney. He faked his own death. Do you think he's going to promise something and mean it? It's not like Locke made him pinky swear.



Locke asks if the "man from Tallahassee" bit was a secret code, and Ben gets the best line of the night, pointing out that the Others don't have a secret code for "help, a man with a gun is holding my daughter hostage in the closet," but it appears that they should.

Locke sends Alex to retrieve his bag of tricks.

Ben asks Locke to help him into his wheelchair -- no tricks. He just wants some dignity. Then he taunts him about not knowing how to pilot a submarine, which ya gotta admit is a pretty specialized skill.

Ben also knows what Locke's got in his bag of tricks. Locke was in the Flame, and he met Patchy, so he knows about the explosives. Locke's gonna make the sub go boom. Man, he really doesn't want to leave the Island, does he?

Locke's all "don't talk to me like you know me, son!" Which is funny, because Sayid did pretty much the same thing last week.

Ben says he does. He knows Locke was born in California, that he was raised in foster homes, that he had a crappy job at a box company. And he knows that Locke spent four years in a wheelchair before he crash-landed on the Island. He even knows how Locke got in that wheelchair.

Duh-duh-DUH!!!!

Ben and Locke stare at each other. "Tell me, John, did it hurt?"

"I felt my back break," Locke says. "What do you think?"

Kate wiggles around on a pool table to get her handcuff hands in front of her. Zeke comments he didn't expect to see her again so soon.

Jack comes in and Zeke tells him to be careful, and that they're listening. He leaves.

Jack wants to know if Kate's hurt. No -- but she's pouting. Stupid wench. Jack explains that this is where the Others live.

Kate wants to know about the kids and the people who were taken -- Jack says they're safe. Kate pouts more and wants to know if he's one of the Others now -- and if he's touched that blonde hussy in her naughty bits.

Kate gets pissy that Jack's not pathetically grateful to be rescued, and Jack points out he *told* her not to come back for him. She didn't think he actually *meant* it -- who would want to be separated from the Queen of the Universe?

Jack explains he made a deal, and he's done his part, so he's going home in the morning. He says he'll bring help, which is either a lie or extremely naive. If these people have gone to the lengths they have to conceal the Island, I don't think they're going to let Jack ring up with Coast Guard.

Kate wants to know why Jack trusts the Others, and he says Kate told him to, when she told him to save Sawyer. Kate pouts some more.

Juliet comes in and tells Jack it's time to go. Kate gives her the look of doom. Jack tells Kate that he told her not to try to rescue him, and that he wishes she hadn't. Then he whispers in her ear that he will return for her. Whatever -- you might find the charms of civilization with Sammich Girl override Stupid Kate.

Flashback!

Two police detectives stop Locke in the parking lot of his apartment, asking about Peter. Locke plays dumb, saying he thought Peter was a solicitor.

Nope, the cops say -- Peter was worth about $200 million. So why did he have Locke's name and address in his pocket? Locke wants to know why they were going through Peter's pockets, and the cops say "Pete's dead, baby. Pete's dead."

Back on the Island, Ben says it was hard being in the Hatch will Locke for so long, knowing that he was supposed to be paralyzed, and not being able to ask what happened. He wants to know now -- did the feeling return immediately after the crash? Was he up and walking around that day?

Locke says Ben's wondering why he's not up and around -- it's been a week since the surgery. And how come he got sick in the first place, since he's on the magic, tumor-curing Island?

Ben asks if that's why Locke wants to blow up the submarine, because he's afraid he'll be crippled again. Locke changes the subject and asks for snacks.

The Others have Sayid chained to a swing set, and Alex stops to look at him. Sayid's guard tells her she's not supposed to be there.

Alex says that her dad told her to get the bag of tricks. Guard dude wants to know why, and Alex is all "dude, like he tells me anything." Guard dude gives her the magic bag.

As she's leaving, Sayid says she must be Alex. She wants to know how he knows her name, and he says it's because she looks like her mother. Alex looks shocked and says her mother's dead, and Sayid says that's what they told her. Guard dude smacks him in the head.

Ben turns on the lights. Locke asks where the electricity comes from, and in the second-best line of the night, Ben says "We have two giant hamsters running in a large wheel at our secret underground lair."

Locke gets some chicken out of the fridge and chows down. Ben says that if Locke blows up the sub, he'll have problem with the Others. Locke wants to know if that's an incentive.

OK, we've got this big banter bit going. It's obvious Ben's trying to goad Locke into blowing up the sub, which is pretty damned easy, because that's what Locke wants to do anyway! And besides -- it's Locke. He has a compulsion to blow shit up. So do we really need to spend this much of the episode on a foregone conclusion?

Sigh. Apparently we do.

Ben says he was born on the Island, but many of his people weren't and they need the illusion that they can leave, even if they never will. The sub provides that illusion. He says that Locke's already made the commitment to stay, so he doesn't need it.

Then he starts talking about a big, magic box, and whatever you imagine is in it. He wants to know what would be in Locke's box. Locke says he hopes the box is big enough to have a new submarine in it.

Ben asks Locke why he's pissy all the time, and Locke says "because you're cheating! You and your people! You communicate with the outside world whenever you please. You use electricity and running water. You have guns. You're a hypocrite! You don't deserve to be on this Island. If you had any idea what this place really was, you wouldn't be putting chicken in your refrigerator."

I'd like to point out that Locke is chowing down on the chicken even as he berates Ben about it, and that he's quite fond of guns -- all the Lostaways are. Damn show looks like an NRA convention. So who's the hypocrite?

Ben says Locke's only been on the Island for eighty days -- Ben's been there his entire life. So what makes Locke think he knows the Island best?

Locke says because Ben's in a wheelchair and he's not. Oooh, sick burn!



Alex returns with the pack, and Locke says she's going to take him to the sub. Then he'll let her go. Ben offers to go in Alex's place, but Locke says no -- he'll slow him down.

Ben tells him about the deal he made with Jack, and that Jack and Juliet are supposed to leave the Island when the sun comes up. Because the purple sky wiped out their communications with the outside world, it's a one-way ticket. If the sub leaves, it can't come back. So even if Locke doesn't blow it up, no one will find the Island again.

Locke and Alex leave. Outside Alex says, "You know he's manipulating you, right?"

"How's that?" Locke asks.

"That's what my father does, he manipulates people. He makes you think it's your idea, but it's his."

Did I mention foregone conclusions?

Alex takes Locke to the dock where the sub is, and he says he's sorry for involving her and lets her go. Rousseau is watching from the trees.

Jack and Juliet arrive at Ben's house, and Jack says he has to ask Ben for a favor -- let Sayid and Kate go. Ben asks if Jack will stay if he doesn't, and Jack says he would.

Ben smiles and says that Jack's friends are only there to rescue him, and since he's rescuing himself, there's no need to keep them. He agrees, with the evil grin back in place, to free Kate and Sayid once Jack has left the Island.

Jack and Juliet walk to the dock, where they find a soaking wet Locke and two Others holding guns on him. Jack asks him what he's doing there, and Locke says he's sorry. Jack asks what for, and BOOM! the submarine goes kaplooey!



Flashback!

Locke barges into KSD's place and asks him if he killed Peter. KSD says of course he didn't -- he's been conning a long time and one suspicious kid isn't going to throw him off his game.

KSD pours two glasses of the same whiskey that was in Desmond's flashbacks. Locke asks him why he's still in town if he's broken things off with his honey.

KSD admits he hadn't ended the relationship -- he was looking for a way to make some money off of it. But Honey's called off the wedding because she's so upset that Peter's dead, and that KSD is leaving town -- he's a con man, not a murderer.

Locke asks if he calls Honey, if she'll tell him the same story. KSD says she will, and gestures toward the phone. Locke moves that way, and KSD shoves him out the window, and he falls eight stories and lands with a big splat.

Dang -- KSD stole Locke's kidney *and* tried to kill him? That's Sopranos cold.

Later, banged-up Locke is in a hospital bed. The detectives are there, and they tell him KSD skipped town.

A nurse comes in and says Locke's got a big day, so the cops have to go. He says Locke's going to get in his wheelchair today.

Locke says he wants to be left alone. Nurse dude doesn't care, and picks up Locke while he argues and puts him in the chair.

"No, please, I can't do this," Locke says.

"John, you fell eight stories and survived. I don't want to hear about what you can't do." Locke sits in the chair and cries.

Locke is chained to some pipes while Ben gloats that he's really done and done it now -- mom's gonna be mad!

"You don't have to pretend to be disappointed in me anymore," Locke says. "We both know that you wanted it to happen. That's why you left the C-4 in Sayid's bag, because you wanted me to make it happen."

Ben tells Recruiter Dude to uncuff Locke.

"Remember earlier when you said I was a cheater?" Ben says. "When you said I didn't deserve to live on this island? Well get this, there I was shaking hands with Jack and thinking that I would give almost anything to come up with a way to stop him from leaving, because to let him go would be a sign of weakness, of failure, of defeat. People would see that. They would know that. And, that, John, would be the end of me. But to kill him, that would be cheating, because my people also heard me make a promise and to break my word, that would be the end of me too. And then you came striding out of the jungle, John, to make my dream come true."

"You're not going to start talking about the magic box again, are you?" Locke asks.

"No, John, I'm going to show you what came out of it."

Recruiter Dude and Ben take Locke down a hallway.

"When I asked you earlier if it hurt when you suffered your injury, I think you misunderstood me," Ben says. "Seems fairly obvious that when a person's back smashes into a hard surface after being thrown from a building, that that's going to sting a little. But I really wasn't asking you about the physical pain."

"What, you want to know if it hurt my feelings?" Locke says.

"No, John, I wanted to know what it felt like when your own father tried to kill you."

Ben says that KSD is the reason Locke blew up the submarine -- that the Island is the only place in the world that KSD can't find him and hurt him again.

Ben continues to say that Locke has a communion with the Island, and that makes him important. Ben wants to help him learn. Locke asks why, and Ben says because he's in a wheelchair and Locke's not.

Recruiter Dude unlocks a door, and Locke looks inside. In the room, bound and gagged, is ... KSD!!!!

WTH???